Chapter 14
For their final performance of the year, freshman are required to sing a musical number for their professors. If they can't perform a musical number of their choosing well enough, their enrollment at NYADA is questioned. It sounds cruel, but they're all here to be on stage, whether Broadway or off-Broadway or something similar. If they can't show promise here and now, it's unlikely they'll be successful. Kurt and Rachel spent weeks beforehand choosing their songs and helping one another rehearse. Of course, they also got Rachel's mom on FaceTime to give feedback. Rachel is going with "People" from her favorite musical, Funny Girl. She can only hope she can live up to the incredible Barbra Streisand. These performances are not public, nor are they done in the round room. Each student performs in a classroom for anywhere from three to five professors. Madam Tibideaux is free to attend any performance she wishes. Rachel is not alarmed when she walks in to find five professors and Madam Tibideaux. However, the presence of three extra adults she doesn't recognize does set her on edge. Yero senses this and jumps up, putting his front paws on her. She scratches behind his ears, then signals for him to sit. She doesn't want the adults to know she's nervous.
"Good afternoon, Ms. Berry."
"Good afternoon, Madam Tibideaux."
"I'd like to explain why you have a larger audience today. While you won the winter showcase and mostly caught up your missed work from your time away from campus, there are still members of the board who hold…..concerns…..about your continued enrollment as a student here. They are here to personally evaluate you."
A wave of fear washes over Rachel and her heart speeds up. She pulls from the skills she's learned in acting class to keep her expression calm. "Very well."
"You may begin whenever you're ready."
The look the woman gives her is a clear warning. Perform well, or else. Rachel connects her iPod to the speakers and presses play. She takes a cleansing breath and focuses on doing what she does best. Sing. She lets the music flow over her and throws herself into it.
"People
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world"
She wonders about that. She'd been alone for a long time when she was young and hated that she needed people and didn't have anyone around. Then she finally had people in her life to spend time with and she loved it. Not too long ago, she and her friends had a bit of a falling out over her "needing" them. But she does need them. And as it turns out, they need her too.
"We're children
Needing other children
And yet letting our grown up pride
Hide all the need inside
Acting more like children
Than children
People
People who need people
Are the luckiest people
In the world"
The music ends and Rachel waits patiently. She knows she rocked it. She could feel it, especially at the end when she belted the final verse before dropping it down softer for the final line. The adults are silently writing down their notes. Finally, they all stop and wait for Madam Tibideaux to react first.
"Good pitch, excellent belting and emotion, and superb job changing volume and intensity. Still, check your diction. You should have separated the p sound between the words up and pride. It was fine, but it could have been better. You can blend them in pop singing, but not in a musical number."
"Yes, ma'am. Thank you."
She eyes the other professors who are smiling. They give their own thoughts, which are all praise.
"I'm not surprised. You did win the winter showcase, after all."
She smiles and nods. She looks to the three board members. They share a look and their appointed spokesman clears his throat.
"Ms. Berry. That really was excellent." She doesn't respond. That was a given. "You are clearly a very talented young lady. However, we are a little concerned. You took an extended break this semester and ended last semester early."
Rachel is careful not to display the anger that ignites. "To be fair, I did nearly die."
"You did die. Your heart stopped on campus. Not dying was a condition of your attendance here at NYADA."
Rachel's lips twitch at that ridiculous statement. "I survived. And I returned and continued classes."
"Missing many."
"Only as necessary and I worked hard to make up everything I missed."
"Not all."
"I've already arranged to make up the last of my missed classes over the summer. If you recall, we agreed that that was permissible before I became a student."
The only thing keeping her from flipping out is the tiny smirk on Madam Tibideaux's face. The woman knew this was coming but apparently fully expected Rachel to be able to hold her own in this battle. Bolstered by this, she stands a little taller.
"True. We just want to be clear…..if you do not make up your missed classes before August 1st, you will not be accepted back at NYADA next year."
"Even though I won the winter showcase as a freshman, aced all of my classes, and just sang exceptionally at my final?"
Finally, the exasperated man drops his stern mask. "I'm going to be honest, Ms. Berry. We're doing this for legal reasons. We want you here and you deserve to be here. However, we do mean what we say. If you can't physically handle it because of your illness, you won't be accepted back."
She holds back a sigh. "I understand."
The men stand and gather their belongings. One of them turns to her. "Off the record, I have a recommendation."
"Which is?"
"If things don't go as we'd like, meaning if you are unable to make up your missed work this summer or get worse and aren't accepted back to NYADA in the fall, but do eventually go into remission, I'd skip trying to return to NYADA altogether." The man smirks at her stunned expression. "What I mean, is skip NYADA and go straight to auditioning for Broadway. You've got the talent. You just need the experience. And the health."
"Not that that'll be necessary." Madam Tibideaux interjects. "She'll complete her missed lessons this summer and return to us in the fall."
Rachel nods her agreement, hiding a smile at the faith that man just showed in her abilities. She assumes it's safe to say she got an A on this final. She has A's in all her classes.
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The graduating class of NYADA always throws a big end of year party at Callbacks and invites all current students and friends. The bar is packed with eager young adults who love performing. The night is filled with performances which get funnier as the night goes on as the older students drink more. Kurt and the others are amused because it sort of resembles how they handle the benefit; minus the alcohol. They have a line up of sorts, people can sing solo, duets, or in groups, and they even have a section that's more game like. Kurt loves getting to listen to his peers sing; it doesn't happen very often freshman year. More than that, he loves getting to sing in front of them and strut his stuff. However, he can't deny that he gets just as excited when Rachel performs. Not just because she's literally always awesome, but he loves watching everyone else's reactions; those who aren't used to her sheer talent. The more often he watches her perform here, the more he realizes how much she has grown as a performer. She's always been incredible, but now she has more of a stage presence than when she was younger. There's something charismatic and almost magnetic about her once she's on a stage. She effortlessly pulls everyone's attention. As jealous as Kurt is, he's proud of her.
"Alright, everyone, listen up. Our next category is: how your year went." There's some laughter and the senior, Brian, holds up his hands to quiet them. "I know, I know. Just…..choose a song that represents how this past school year as gone for you. If it's the whole song, great. If it's just a line or two, hold up your hand to signal the part that relates."
Kurt starts excitedly thinking of what he could sing. He turns to Rachel to ask her opinion and has to smirk. He knows the look in her eye; she already has a song in mind. She's the third person to go up. He watches as she stands on the stage with Yero beside her and grabs the microphone. She squints into the audience.
"Quick question…..anyone from my dance class here?"
That causes an immediate reaction. Rachel made a name for herself from day one. Day one, her name was connected with her need for a service animal and not very flattering. As people got to know her and her talent, she became the "talented girl with a service dog". Then she won the winter showcase and her name was on everyone's lips. Everyone knew it in a positive way. However, word also spread about her severe attack in her dance class and how she nearly died. So bringing it up now causes everyone to start talking louder. Some amused, some wary. Knowing her sense of humor, Kurt is both.
"Not that it matters." Rachel goes on. "Just wondering. The song I'm gonna sing…..I'm not completely sure what it's supposed to be about, but it does reference dancing a lot. I love dancing, but I prefer singing. Anyway, I know there's a bunch of people waiting their turn to sing, so I'll just start. I also asked our wonderful pianist to skip a couple verses to keep it short. I really only need two lines."
She nods to Pascal and he starts playing the piano. She effortlessly falls into the song. Kurt is mesmerized.
"Sometimes I wonder if I should be medicated
If I would feel better just slightly sedated
A feeling comes so fast, I cannot control it
I'm on fire, but I'm trying not to show it
As it picks me up, puts me down
Picks me up, puts me down
I hear the music, I feel the beat
And for a moment when I'm dancing
I am free
Is this how it is?
Is this how it's always been?"
Rachel raises a hand in the air, holding up her pointer finger.
"To exist in the face of suffering and death
And somehow I keep singing?"
Kurt, his friends, and just about everyone in the bar breaks out into hoots and applause. Even those who don't know any details know enough about her illness to understand the importance of those lines.
"Oh, like Christ up on a cross
Who died for us? Who died for what?
Oh, don't you wanna call it off?
But there is nothing else
That I know how to do
But to open up my arms
And give it all to you
'Cause I hear the music
I feel the beat
And for a moment when I'm dancing
I am free
I am free
I am free
Oh, I am free"
Kurt sits amongst those applauding and beams up at his sister. He knows how true the song is for her. Not the part about Christ (she's Jewish), but the rest. He knows how important music is to her, how it impacts her and sets her free. She falls into music in good times and in bad. She uses it to express every possible emotion. So does he. They both feel free when singing. To exist in the face of suffering and death and somehow she keeps singing. Tears prick his eyes and he blinks them away. She has no idea how many of them actually look up to her and respect her for how she has handled everything.
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Pushing the swing with her foot, Rachel watches the sun set behind the trees. Yero is curled up, his upper half on her lap and she pets him lazily. They're all pleased to be home. She'll have to head back to New York in a couple weeks, but for now, she's home. All this travel back and forth between New York and Ohio is more exhausting than she thought it'd be. Despite this, she is feeling good. Really good. She hasn't had a moderate attack in a long time. She hasn't had a mild attack in over a week. She still gets headaches and still struggles to wake up in the morning, but even that isn't as bad as it used to be. She doesn't need naps anymore, though she still tires after too much physical activity (such as dance class). She can stay up later and do more. Even her treatments are going better. The side effects are less severe these days. Wooziness, some dizziness, tiredness, mild nausea, or a headache. Or some combination of those. But nothing as bad as it used to be. She smiles slightly, wondering if she should finally ask her mom to tell her what stage she's in. If she had to guess, she'd say stage one. And if she's wrong, it'll soon be stage one. That makes her smile widen. Nah. She'll wait and talk to Dr. Reed at her next appointment, which is in a few days.
Part of her still can't believe she finished her first year of college. There were several rough patches. Many rough patches. Nearly dying being one of them. Her mind drifts over all the attacks she had on campus (mild, moderate, and severe), the dizziness, the migraines, all the days she missed, and the near passing out episode she had. She also thinks back on all the people who started out being nasty to her merely because she had a service dog with her and was obviously ill in some way. They didn't think she deserved to be at NYADA. Rachel smirks, thinking about how she proved them all wrong by winning the winter showcase. She also thinks about the people who were kind and/or supportive right from the start. She definitely ended the year with more friends than she started with. And grudging respect from those who initially dismissed her. It was a rough year with many challenges, but she faced them all as she always does; with her head up and friends by her side. It was worth it. Overall, she enjoyed herself. Their last Friday in New York had been spent at Callbacks, singing their hearts out in a 'farewell' party with other NYADA students. It'd been a lot of fun.
"Hey. You coming in anytime soon?" Her mom steps out onto the patio.
Rachel shrugs. "It's nice out."
Her mom nods. "It is. And you can't do this in New York."
"True. Or sit with my mom."
Her mom grins and nudges Yero off so she can join her on the swing seat, snuggling in with her. Yero huffs and wanders away to lie on the grass. Rachel leans into her mom.
"I do miss this." She admits softly.
Her mom kisses her head. "Me, too."
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"Are you sure?" Her mom wrings her hands. "We can reschedule it. Or I can take off of work."
Rachel shakes her head. "It's fine, Mom. You said you really can't miss work tomorrow. And I'll be at McKinley, preparing for the benefit."
The benefit is in two days. Rachel and the others have been going to McKinley every day to rehearse and prepare. Every year is bigger than the last and they raise more money. She hopes this year goes even better. She frowns, realizing she probably should ask Dr. Reed about her current stage since she's gonna have to talk to the audience again. And that's what her mom is worried about. She has an appointment tomorrow with her doctor to discuss her progress. The original plan was for her mom to take her. However, the principal asked her mom to stay and help out with some end of year teacher stuff, and since her mom still feels a little guilty about how much time she missed of work through Rachel's illness over the years, she agreed. Rescheduling the appointment will be tricky because of preparations for the benefit, their plans for next week, Dr. Reed will be on vacation for a week after that, and then Rachel will be heading back to New York. Even though she's doing well, they don't want to delay her appointment for more than a few days, let alone over a week. That means that once again she'll be going without her mom. It's fine. In New York, Kurt and Finn would go with her. Tomorrow, those two and maybe Scott will go with her. She won't be alone, so she's not sure why her mom is so anxious about it. Then again, it's probably just guilt from not being able to go with her for months now.
"If you're sure."
"I am." She says confidently, wanting to reassure her mother. The woman is carrying around enough unnecessary guilt, she doesn't need this added to it.
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Rachel loves being back at McKinley with all the others. Especially since Mercedes, Quinn, and Mike have returned as well. Since she's doing so much better, she's not worried about wearing a mask anymore. She still keeps her distance from the high schoolers, but that's the only precaution she's worried about. She loves singing on the auditorium stage again. She loves the proud looks from Sue and Mr. Schuester. She loves the mixed looks of awe and jealousy from the younger members. Although she's proud of the New Directions for continuing to work hard and learn to work together despite the early end to their competitions, and loves that they're more of a team and better than ever, she won't lie. She's secretly, selfishly, thrilled that the graduates (and Blaine) can still easily out sing them. She keeps that to herself, though. No need to rub it in.
"Alright, it looks like we've got our lineup for Saturday." Mr. Schuester announces. "We have members of the Warblers coming to rehearse with us tomorrow. And our out of town guests, right Rachel?"
"Right. Brody and Lydia will be arriving tomorrow with just enough time to settle in before joining us here for rehearsal."
"Good. Then we're all set. Students, head to your next class. Graduates, you can either hang out here or go home. We'll see you tomorrow."
The students, even the seniors, head off to their respective classes. Most stop to pet Yero before departing; a fact he loves if his wagging tail is anything to go by. Kurt loops his arm through hers. "Would you be okay if I didn't go with you to your appointment tomorrow?"
Rachel frowns. Everyone is bailing on her now? Granted, all she needs is Finn. "Sure, but why?"
"I want to do something special with Blaine since he graduates next week. And next week he'll be really busy with family stuff. And he's anxious about hearing back about NYADA. I want to help distract him, so I want to plan a special afternoon tomorrow after rehearsal."
She smiles at him. "The good boyfriend." Kurt smiles widely. She knows her brother's relationship with his boyfriend has been a little rough because of the long distance and has worried about losing Blaine. He's going overboard now, trying to make up for it. What he doesn't seem to realize is Blaine has the same fears and is also trying to go overboard with Kurt. Rachel is amused by the whole thing but is staying out of it. "I think that sounds fabulous. What do you have planned?"
Kurt bounces on his toes as they walk out of the school and rambles on about his plans for the next day and how romantic he hopes to make it. He doesn't come out and say it, but it sounds like he's also hoping to lose the big V as well. Rachel doesn't prod that. She's jealous. If she were healthy, she and Finn would have crossed that bridge long ago. Instead, she has to wait and she hasn't been happy about it. She pushes her own feelings aside and refocuses on her brother.
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Rachel is on the couch at the Hummel-Hudson house, her legs thrown over Uncle Burt's lap. The two have been talking happily for the past half hour. It's comforting. Especially as she directs the conversation to more important topics.
"But you think Finn is happy enough?" Rachel frets.
Uncle Burt squeezes her leg. "I do. Princess, he'll be thrilled as long as he can be with you."
"He hates New York."
"But he loves you."
"Is that enough?"
He gives her a look. "Maybe you're underestimating the power of love. Or just how much that boy loves you."
"He's happier when we come back here. And he's happy working in the shop."
Uncle Burt nods. "He is. And he's good at it. But he wants to be a teacher."
"I know he'll be an amazing teacher." Rachel declares. "He has a way with people that is often overlooked by others. But will he be happier as a teacher in New York than a mechanic in Ohio? Or would he be happier as a mechanic?"
"Rach…..these choices are his to make, not yours. He will choose what he thinks he'll be happiest with. And he already told me that you have given him your support no matter what. And that you'd support him if he changed his mind and switched careers."
"Of course."
"Then stop worrying and trust that you two will make a happy life for yourselves. And for each other."
"I know. I just want to make sure he's as happy as I am. I re—"
The doorbell rings and her head snaps over to the front door. She jumps up and runs for it, shushing a barking Yero on the way, and yanking the door open. Brody and Lydia are standing on the front porch with their bags and wearing bright smiles. Brody sweeps her into his arms and carries her into the house. Lydia follows, laughing. Finn and Kurt come downstairs to greet their guests. Brody sets Rachel down so he can greet the other guys. Lydia snags Rachel and the two girls squeal and hug. Lydia will be staying with Rachel and her parents while Brody will be staying at the Hummel-Hudson house. They catch up and joke before heading to McKinley for rehearsal. When it ends, Kurt takes Blaine out for their special time, Noah and the other New York based friends take Brody and Lydia out, and Finn takes Rachel to her appointment. Scott is already waiting for them when they arrive.
"Are you gonna let him tell you what stage you are this time?" Scott grins at her.
Rachel slumps down in the waiting room chair and huffs. "I suppose I have to. I'm supposed to talk at the benefit tomorrow. Mom wants me to do what I did last year; say my current stage and symptoms, then talk about my personal experience battling Danton's aplastic anemia."
"You haven't known what stage you are in, like, eight months." Finn points out with a small smile. "I think it's time for you to hear it."
She shrugs. "It's enough that you know, but I suppose you're right."
"So can I tell you?" Finn asks, eyes bright.
Rachel smiles, knowing in her heart that she's stage one (or at least very close to it). She also knows that Finn and the others have been dying to tell her. Despite her reservations, she can do this one thing for him. "Sure."
"You've been stage one for a while." He kisses her cheek.
"And it's been torture not letting me know." She says knowingly.
He nods. "It really has. I understood your reasoning, but you stopped going back and forth between the two stages a while ago."
"Well, I thought as much but I—"
"Rachel Berry."
Rachel, her boyfriend, stepfather, and service dog all follow the young lady down the hall to Dr. Reed's office. The medical assistant takes Rachel's vitals and leaves the room. They're not waiting long before Dr. Reed enters.
"Good to see you, Rachel."
"It's good to see you, too."
She doesn't often mean this, but she doubts she'll be receiving bad news today. And if she is, she'll at least have started off polite and friendly before melting down on the man. As usual, he starts by having her describe her current symptoms. He takes careful notes.
"So headaches and tiredness are your main constants? Struggling to wake up some mornings?"
"Yeah. I don't struggle to get up every morning, but some. And I'm really tired of the headaches."
Dr. Reed nods and finishes writing, a small frown on his face. They've known one another for years now. Seeing the look on his face has the little hairs on her arms standing up.
"What?"
His lips twitch. "Always perceptive. Well, to be honest, it wasn't what I was hoping to hear. However, I'm also not surprised."
Her heart sinks and she fears she's dropping to stage two. "So…what does that mean? What stage am I?"
"Technically?" He shrugs lightly. "None."
Scott and Finn sit up straighter. Rachel stops breathing for a moment, then blinks. "Come again?"
Dr. Reed's smile is small but real. "Technically, you're in remission again, Rachel."
Her heart leaps into her throat and her eyes widen. Besides her, Scott squeezes her hand and Finn lets out a short laugh.
"Really?" Stunned doesn't begin to cover it. She expected to hear stage one confirmed. Probably a high stage one. But remission?
"Really."
"So soon?" She squeaks out.
His lips twitch again and he teases her gently. "Right. Because you haven't been fighting this for long. Just a year and a half. That's nothing, really. No time at all."
She glares at him but without any heat and can't maintain it. "I just…..I went from fluctuating between stages one and two to remission? In just a few months?"
"No. You went from fluctuating between stages one and two for months, then you sat at stage one for a while with your numbers slowly creeping upwards. Now you're in remission."
Scott pulls her into a tight hug. "God, I wish your mother could have come for this. She's going to be so upset that she missed it."
Finn gently tugs her away from Scott and into a deep kiss. Needing to hear it repeated, she pulls away from Finn and faces her doctor once more.
"I'm really in remission? I'm healthy?"
"Yes."
He said it in an odd tone. Rachel is instantly on alert. "What did you say it like that?" When he doesn't instantly answer, she turns to Finn. "Why did he say it like that?"
Finn's own jubilant expression has faded to wariness. "Good question. Doc?"
Dr. Reed sighs. "Rachel…..you are in remission. However, I said technically. Your numbers are up into a safe range, beyond stage one."
Her heart is thudding uncomfortably. She entwines her fingers with Finn's. "But?"
"But you're not exactly healthy."
It all comes rushing back. All the times Dr. Reed, Dr. Morgan, and Dr. McCann have mentioned how she'll need to redefine what "healthy" means once she was in remission.
"I have to redefine healthy."
He nods. "I'm sorry. I wish I could just say you're in remission and all is good and send you on your way with a lollipop. But I can't. You're in remission, but your body has been through a lot. And for a long time. It's worn out. That's why you're still tired a lot. And why you still get frequent headaches."
Rachel swallows hard. She has so many questions but no words are coming. Scott helps out.
"So what does this mean? What do we do?"
"Because her last remission was so brief, we're going to handle this one differently. Last time, we had her do one final treatment after she was officially in remission, then stop. This time, we're going to have her continue treatments for a while. Once a month for at least a couple months. And we'll check her numbers and symptoms once a month for a year. From there….we'll see."
"So—" Finn has to clear the raspiness from his voice. "So what does this mean for her right now? She's in remission but not healthy. What does that mean?"
"It means she's on the mend. It means her body needs to recuperate. It means she doesn't have to expect any more attacks. It means she can resume a normal life…..at a slightly slower pace for a while."
Her thoughts are swirling, but she thinks she's beginning to understand. "I'm in remission but worn out. No attacks, no nose bleeds, no breathlessness, no frequent nausea?"
"Correct."
"Will my appetite fully return? It's been improving, but it's still not….." She trails off, uncertain if the word "normal" works in this situation. It sounds like nothing with her health can be considered normal.
He nods. "Your appetite should return soon. Frequent dizziness and fatigue should no longer be issues for you, either. But you are still anemic, Rachel. You probably always will be. Dizziness and easy bruising are pretty standard with people who are anemic. After you stop getting treatments, we'll prescribe you a special pill to take that's basically a beefed up iron supplement with some added benefits in it. That should really help."
"But anemic…..I mean, I've worked with people who are anemic. Even healthy people sometimes black out or get lightheaded from standing up too fast." Scott says with a furrowed brow.
"Unfortunately that is common and still a possibility for Rachel."
Rachel sighs. "So I'm in remission and can live a normal life, but still have to expect to be tired for a while, still might get dizzy if I stand up too fast, still might bruise a little easier than normal, and still might get frequent headaches?"
"Those are all possibilities, but none are definite." He attempts to soothe her.
"Will I always be this tired?" She asks in a quiet voice. She's trying not to sound as defeated as she feels. She's standing at a finish line, only to realize there's no trophy in sight. Just another track to run.
"No. Your body just needs time to fully recover. You may always have mornings where waking up and getting out of bed are a challenge, but not to the degree you've been dealing with. And not as frequently. As I told you last time, you may never return to waking up early in the morning on a regular basis. Or you might. Your body, as battered and worn out as it is, honestly handled this second diagnosis better than I could have expected." Dr. Reed smiles warmly. "I think when it comes to you, Rachel, we can never assume the worst. You always rise above our expectations."
Despite feeling uncertain of her exact emotional state, Rachel manages to grin at her doctor.
"So…..can I still get that lollipop?"
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Walking out feels weird. She's in remission but not "healthy". Not yet, at least. She needs time to recuperate. Things will keep getting better, just slowly. Last time she was in remission, she truly thought she was done with AA. This time, she knows that's unlikely. It could always come back. At any time. Rachel isn't really sure how she feels. Scott can tell and is giving her space to think it through. Finn is still holding her hand. He tugs her a couple steps away from Scott.
"Hey. I know that was a lot to take in and not what we were expecting. It sucks that you're still not, you know, healthy. But Rach—" A smile spread across his face. His eyes are shining. "You're in remission. You beat it. Again."
She beat it. Again. The disappointment slowly fades away, being replaced with relief. "I beat it." She lets her smile grow. "Thank you for helping me fight it, Finn. Thank you for always being my anchor and my warrior and my home."
He kisses her hard. "Always."
They turn to where Scott is pretending to watch clouds move slowly across the sky. Realizing their moment has passed, he smiles. "I'm really happy for you, Rachel. And I'm so proud of you!"
"Thanks, Scott." She hugs him tight.
"Your mom is going to be thrilled and relieved and so upset that she wasn't here to hear the news with you." Scott laments. "But she'll be thrilled when we tell her later tonight."
Rachel stops walking. The two men turn to her with curious looks. "What is it?"
Her thoughts are racing. She can't wait to tell her mom the good news, even if it's tempered by the less good news. Then again…"What if we don't?"
The guys share a look. "Don't what?"
"Tell her."
Both men go rigid in alarm. "What?" Even Fiyero's ears are pricked.
"Rach, no. I can't keep this from your mom. She's my wife! We share everything! Do you have any idea how angry and hurt she'd be if we didn't tell her right away?"
"I know!" She's quick to assure them. "And I can't wait to tell her! But….but what if we just waited a few more hours? Make it special?"
"Babe, just hearing that you're in remission is more than special." Finn points out.
"I know. But she was with me when I was told last time. And it was great, but…but this time I have an opportunity to really surprise her. I want to do it in a fun way. In a theatrical way that she'll appreciate."
She's positive they won't deny her. Especially now. And she's right. For better or for worse, they cave in and agree to go along with her plan.
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Scott conveniently returns to work and says he'll pick up extra hours to avoid being home until late. That way he has less of a chance of being interrogated by his wife. They all know he'd cave and ruin the surprise. Since Kurt is out with Blaine, Rachel has Finn take her to where the others are hanging out. A quick text to their group chat confirms that they're at a diner, so the couple joins them.
"You can't say nothing to your mom." Finn points out. "She's gonna wanna know about how the appointment went."
"I know. I'll figure something out. Hopefully she'll be too busy to think of it."
Finn gives her a disbelieving look. "Your mom? Forget about your doctor's appointment?"
Rachel sighs. "You're right."
He is. It's less than half an hour later that she gets a text from her mom.
"How'd it go with Dr. Reed?"
Figuring simple and vague is best, Rachel responds with "Good! He gave me a lollipop and everything."
She even sends a picture of the lollipop that he did indeed give her. She wonders if it'd be possible to frame it. Thankfully, that was enough to satisfy her mother. For now. She'll want to know more later, but with a guest staying over and the benefit tomorrow, she hopes she can hold off a little longer. Later, they all meet back up at McKinley for one final discussion of how the benefit will go the next day and answer any final questions. Rachel's mom pulls her into a hug as soon as she's in reach, but doesn't interrogate her in front of everyone. After, the close knit group of friends and their two visitors decide to hang out at their spot in the woods. The adults ask them not to stay out too long since they have a busy day tomorrow and the teens are quick to agree. They just figured they'd be too tired from singing all day to do this tomorrow night. And, it keeps Rachel out of her house a little longer. There'll be no one home for her mom to question for hours.
They grab a couple pizzas on the way, then meet up at their spot. For the first half hour, they eat and chat. Once it's dark enough, they light the fire. Fiyero prances around it like he's doing a ceremonial dance, much to everyone's amusement. Brody and Lydia comment that Rachel and Kurt have told them about this place, but it's even more awesome in person. They spent a while either catching up or, in Brody and Lydia's cases, getting to know one another better. They do a little singing, but hold off on any more since they'll be singing all day tomorrow. Rachel becomes distracted by firelight flickering across Finn's handsome face. She's in remission. That means he'll finally let them make love. Heat blooms through her and her heart picks up. Just the thought of his large—
"Oh! Tink, how'd your appointment with Dr. Reed go?" Kurt asks.
Rachel blinks, glad the firelight is hiding her blush. Everyone stops talking and turns to hear her response. Finn keeps his expression carefully neutral, giving nothing away.
"Good." She takes a sip of her water.
Finn looks down and she holds back a grin. The others exchange looks.
"That's it?" Blaine asks. "Did you let him tell you your current stage?"
"Yeah, I did."
"And?"
They watch her expectantly. She sets her water down. "First, let me ask you something. Would you be willing to do me a huge favor?" Once she has everyone's agreement, she goes on. "I haven't had a chance to talk to my mom yet. And I don't want to until tomorrow. So what I tell you has to stay between us for now."
"Your mother will murder you." Santana says, eyes wide.
Mike nods. "She's right, Rachel. Your mom will be pissed to find out she's the last to know."
"Or it'll hurt her feelings." Mercedes points out gently.
Rachel swallows back her uncertainty. "I know there's a chance of either or both of those happening. I don't want to hurt her or upset her. But I do want to surprise her and I thought of a way to do it. Something just a little theatrical that's right up our alley and the benefit tomorrow will give me the perfect opportunity."
Quinn's eyes are wide. She leans forward. "Wait…..are you saying…are you…"
Rachel lets her smile stretch from ear to ear. "I'm in remission."
She is immediately swamped by the others. Hugs, laughter, tears, hands squeezing hers, cheering, and happy chatter fill the woods. It takes a while for them to calm down, and even when they do it's with big smiles.
"Look, I love my mom. She's amazing and I truly don't think I could have gotten through this without her love and support." The others nod knowingly. "But it's the same for you guys. And to be fair, I've known most of you longer than I've known my mom. You've been my support from the start. Even when I didn't want or need your support." She adds with a grin, making the others chuckle. "You are my family. And you deserved to know first this time. Mom will understand. She knew first last time. And this time, I can surprise her with it."
Kurt is bouncing slightly, eyes still damp from happy tears. "So what's your plan?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The auditorium is packed. Every year gets bigger than the last. It's awesome and humbling at the same time. While Rachel knows that they're here to hear them all sing, they're mostly here to donate money to finding a cure for aplastic anemia. And most of them are here specifically hoping to find a cure for her. They even get more doctors every year. Dr. McCann even made a point of joining the virtual audience because once again they're making that an option as well. Their virtual audience is larger this year, too. She hasn't seen Dr. Morgan in a long time, so she is pleasantly surprised to see the woman again. She hugs her and they briefly catch up. She asked all of her doctors not to say a word to anyone about her being in remission. After explaining why, they tentatively agreed. Both Dr. Morgan and Dr. Reed invited more of their coworkers and friends to come, so more doctors are here, more strangers, and more people willing to donate. It's thrilling. Every couple months Rachel goes online to check the progress of the cure. And every year she hopes that this benefit is able to raise enough money to push it along. The sooner they get a cure the sooner she can truly relax.
Once again, Rachel's mom starts them off by thanking everyone for coming, explaining in detail what aplastic anemia is, what the Danton's variant is, then having Rachel herself share her experience with everyone. This year, she manages to get out of stating what stage she's in by explaining how she kept fluctuating between stages and got frustrated. There were plenty of chuckles over how she has been refusing to be told what stage she's in. She chanced a glance off stage and saw her mom shaking her head in exasperation. Rachel brought everyone to tears while discussing what it was like being stage four, all the severe attacks she's had (including the one that nearly killed her months ago). Then she pulled laughter out of them by talking about some of the more humorous aggravations she deals with and how she did (or did not) handle them. She had Yero demonstrate a few of the things he has been trained to do for her and lists the other things. Finally, she received a round of applause after sharing her triumphs and how she has handled and overcome the challenges presented to her by Danton's aplastic anemia. She made sure to credit the love and support of her loved ones.
"So the more you're able to donate, the sooner they can create a cure, and the sooner I can finally truly relax and focus on enjoying my life. Please donate what you can and spread the word. I really can't imagine living my life with this illness always hanging overhead like my own personal storm cloud, threatening to strike at any moment." A tad dramatic, but accurate. And fitting. "Thank you for coming and thank you for your support."
While the audience is still applauding, her mom joins her on stage and they sing "Wind Beneath My Wings" together. As always, their voices blend and harmonize beautifully and it's a huge hit. They hug tightly through their enthusiastic standing ovation and Rachel heads off stage. Her mom remains on stage.
"It's hard having a sick child." Her mom begins. Before Rachel shared her experiences, her mom had shared what it's been like for her being a mother of a child with a life threatening illness. "I already talked about that and how hard it was for me to let her go to New York for college while still sick. I have tried my best to be supportive and provide what she needs. However, I never want to let her go. I always want my baby girl close to me. It's been hard to push that aside to focus on what she wants and what she needs. But, I'm the mother and she's the child. I'm older and wiser and I know best, right? There've been many times when I've put my foot down with her. There've been times I've backed off. We've butted heads a handful of times. Usually at times when she wanted to live her life and not be coddled, but I wanted her to rest and take care of herself, even if it meant she missed out on something. I always think I know best, but the truth is…..sometimes I don't. It's hard for a parent to realize they're wrong. It's even harder when the stakes are so high. When your child's life is at stake, even minor decisions can be frightening. You always want to think you're right. I've been learning how to support her without crowding her or being too overprotective. She's eighteen. It's been hard, but I've been learning to back off a little and let her handle more of her own care and make more of her own decisions. It's not easy. There are still times I assume I know best and step in, for better or for worse." Her mom turns and flashes her a small grin. Rachel returns it. "So, to recognize that I am well intentioned but not always right, I am going to sing a song."
Her mother quirks a finger at her, beckoning her back on stage. When the music for "Mother Knows Best" from Tangled begins playing, Rachel can't help but laugh.
"You want to go outside? Why, Rapunzel.
Look at you, as fragile as a flower.
Still a little sapling, just a sprout.
You know why we stay up in this tower"
Rachel, knowing her part well, interjects. "I know, but—
Her mom puts on a haughty expression.
"That's right…to keep you safe and sound, dear
Guess I always knew this day was coming
Knew that soon you'd want to leave the nest
Soon, but not yet"
"But—"
Her mom holds out a finger.
"Ssshh, trust me, pet.
Mother knows best.
Mother knows best
Listen to your mother
It's a scary world out there
Mother knows best
One way or another
Something will go wrong, I swear
Ruffians, thugs
Poison ivy, quick sand
Cannibals and snakes
The plague"
Rachel gives a dramatic gasp. "No!"
"Yes!"
"But!"
"Also large bugs
Men with pointy teeth and—"
Her mom puts a hand to her forehead and leans like she's about to faint.
"Stop, no more, you'll just upset me"
She then steps closer to Rachel and wraps an arm around her.
"Mother's right here
Mother will protect you
Darling, here's what I suggest
Skip the drama
Stay with mama
Mother knows best
Mother knows best
Take it from your mumsy
On your own, you won't survive"
Behind her dramatic mask of fear, Rachel is highly amused by the song choice and her mom's singing and acting. And the fact that she has is definitely going to survive. She's in remission and her mother doesn't know it yet. Her mom grabs her by the shoulders and pretends to scrutinize her.
"Sloppy, underdressed
Immature, clumsy
Please, they'll eat you up alive
Gullible, naive
Positively grubby
Ditzy and a bit, well, hmm vague
Plus, I believe
Gettin' kinda chubby"
Her mom lightly squeezes her side and Rachel breaks character, letting out a giggle. Not only did it tickle, but she has finally put on some weight. She's still skinny, though a normal person skinny. Not a sickly skinny.
"I'm just saying 'cause I wuv you
Mother understands
Mother's here to help you
All I have is one request
Rapunzel?"
"Yes?"
"Don't ever ask to leave this tower again."
"Yes, Mother."
"I love you very much, dear."
"I love you more."
They're smiling widely because contrary to how the scene is supposed to be acted, they're saying it with full sincerity.
"I love you most.
Don't forget it, you'll regret it.
Mother knows best."
Laughing, Rachel falls into her mom for a warm embrace. The audience is chuckling and applauding. Feeling a little guilty for still not telling her the big news, Rachel doesn't release the hug until her mom does. The woman releases her and heads off stage. Rachel's first solo song of the day was chosen a month ago. She's not going to change it now, despite recent changes. Besides, she feels it's still fitting, just not to the degree it was when she chose it.
"I'm pretty sure this next song is about drug addiction." There are some chuckles from the audience. "That's…..not my issue and never will be. But I still chose it partially because it's literally called 'I Wanna Get Better'—" She has to stop there to let the audience clap. She goes on when they quiet down. "—right, a perfect title for me! It's also a fun song. I just changed a few little words here and there to make it less about drug abuse. I couldn't change too much, though. Still….I wanna get better."
The audience cheers and claps. It's true. She's in remission, which only a few know at the moment, but she's still not healthy yet. She still wants to get better. The music starts and a couple friends join her for back up vocals and just to dance and have fun.
"Hey, I hear the voice of a preacher from the back room
Callin' my name and I follow just to find you
I trace the faith to a broken down television and put on the weather
And I've trained myself to give up on the past 'cause
I froze in time between hearses and caskets
Lost control when I panicked at the blood test
I wanna get better
While my friends were having fun and dancing in parking lots
I was losing my mind because the love, the love, the love, the love, the love
That I gave wasted on a nice face
In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet
Counting seconds through the night and got carried away
So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars
'Hey, I wanna get better!'
I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
'Cause I'm sleeping in the back of a taxi
I'm screaming from my bedroom window
Even if it's gonna kill me
Woke up this morning early before my family
From this dream where she was trying to show me
How a life can move from the darkness
She said 'you gotta get better'
So I put a bullet where I shoulda put a helmet
And I crash my car 'cause I wanna get carried away
That's why I'm standing on the overpass screaming at myself
'Hey, I wanna get better!'
I didn't know I was lonely 'til I saw your face
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better
I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change
I wanna get better, better, better, better
I wanna get better"
She finishes with a flourish to much applause. The rest of her friends join her for their first group number. They start off with "Take on Me" before moving on to the calmer "What the World Needs Now". From there, they move into solo numbers, duets, and smaller group numbers. Not having had an audience for many months means the members of the New Directions are happily monopolizing the stage. The others don't mind. Like last year, it's a whole day event. They all need breaks but they all have plenty of time to perform as much as they'd like. Rachel and Brody duet with "How to Be a Heart Breaker", with help from the others. Not only do the others help with singing the chorus, but they put on a spectacle with a whole dance routine involving couples tangoing and Rachel and Brody moving amongst them. It's a fun and well done number. Later they sing "Creep" together. Brody and Lydia sang a duet, and they each sang a couple solos. Rachel and Lydia sang two songs together. Finn, Sam, Noah, Kurt (acting as straight as he can but just coming across as more gay, making the whole thing hysterical), and Brody did a funny over the top mash up of N'Sync songs that had all the girls screaming and pretending to swoon. The funniest part for them was Blaine joining the girls and pretending to swoon over Kurt. Not wanting to be out done, Rachel, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes, and Quinn perform the popular Spice Girls song "Tell Me What You Want".
Kurt and Rachel team up to sing "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead", in a very theatrical and amusing manner. They pull out props and even minor costumes and just have fun with it. Noah pulls out a classic from high school and sings "Sweet Caroline", getting the audience to join in. Mr. Schue and Coach Bieste crack everyone up and get everyone singing along as well to "One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer". Rachel and Finn sing several duets together; love songs and fun songs. She couldn't convince him to sing a musical number with her, but she swore she'll get him to sing one with her next year. He'd laughed at that.
Rachel is drinking water in the choir room between sets when Santana sits beside her and whispers in her ear. "Wanna drop a hint before your big announcement?"
She grins back. "What'd you have in mind?"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"Okay, next up we have Rachel and Santana." Mr. Schue announces.
The house lights are down, so it's hard to see the audience. Rachel squints into the darkness to where she knows her family is sitting. They reserve a seat on the end for her mom. That way, she can go do whatever she needs to do to help out, but has a good seat open so she can just enjoy the performances when she wants to. While she never misses Rachel's performances, Rachel still wants to be 100% sure. She's there. She relaxes and focuses on having fun. The music starts and she and Santana start casually dancing in place to the beat. Rachel takes the first verse with Santana backing her up, then they switch.
"Fresh cut grass
One cold beer
Thank the Lord
I am here and now
Here and now"
"Summer dress
Favorite park
Bless your soul
We are here and now
Here and now"
They sing the chorus together, harmonizing.
"I'm wide awake
So what's the point of dreaming?
When your life is great
Celebrate the feeling
Celebrate the feeling
Oh!
Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
We'll scream it out
We'll scream it out
I believe we'll be okay"
Santana takes the next verse with Rachel singing back up.
"Sun kissed skin
On my lips
Thank the Lord
I am here and now
Here and now"
Rachel gives a little spin before taking lead.
"Fireflies
After dark
Bless your soul
We are here and now
Here and now"
"I'm wide awake
So what's the point of dreaming?
When your life is great
Celebrate the feeling
Celebrate the feeling
Oh!
Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Can't complain about much these days
I believe we'll be okay
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
We'll scream it out
We'll scream it out
I believe we'll be okay"
The girls dance and sing, taking turns vocalizing or repeating one of the lines. They end with "We'll be okay." Standing shoulder to shoulder with arms around their waists and happy smiles on their faces. Her mom is looking up at her proudly, smiling back. The audience cheers and the girls take their bows. Mr. Schuester comes on stage clapping.
"Well done, girls! I love the positivity! It's a great way to face things."
He places a supportive hand on Rachel's shoulder and she has to nudge Santana when she snorts.
"Thanks, Mr. Schue!"
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Rachel is back out on stage for her next solo number. She brings out a stool to sit on while singing because while she feels fine now, she knows she still has a bunch of numbers to sing and doesn't want to tire out too soon. Once the microphone is adjusted to her appropriate height, she addresses the audience.
"I said before that I couldn't have gotten through this without the love and support of my friends and family and I meant it. I also told you a little bit about how that was also a struggle at times. Despite our arguments and disagreements, stresses and frustrations, I still always appreciated their support. I always needed it, even as I was arguing against it. I didn't want to need them. And I didn't always need the amount of support they were trying to provide, and we didn't always agree on that. But they were always there for me." Or close enough. She ignores the niggling thought that some of them sent her away. That's water under the bridge and not something that needs to be brought up right now. Besides, she always had support, even if it wasn't always from the same people. She never had to fight this on her own. "So, to honor their support and recognize that I wouldn't have made it without them, here's the song 'Helium' by Sia."
"I'm trying but I keep falling down
I cry out but nothing comes now
I'm giving my all and I know peace will come
I never wanted to need someone
Yeah, I wanted to play tough
Thought I could do all this on my own
But even Superwoman
Sometimes needed Superman's soul
Help me out of this hell
Your love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up when I'm down down down
When I've hit the ground
You're all I need
And if you let you
I'll float towards the sun
I'm stronger 'cause you fill me up
But when the fear comes
And I drift towards the ground
I am lucky that you're around
Yeah, I wanted to play tough
Thought I could do all this on my own
But even Superwoman
Sometimes needed Superman's soul
Help me out of this hell
Your love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up when I'm down down down
When I've hit the ground
You're all I need
'Cause you're love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up like helium
You lift me up and I am found
You lift me up before I hit the ground
You lift me up when I'm down down down
You lift me up before I hit the ground
You lift me up and I am found
You lift me up before I hit the ground
You lift me up when I'm down down down
You lift me up before I hit the ground
Your love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up when I'm down down down
When I've hit the ground
You're all I need
'Cause your love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up like helium
Your love lifts me up like helium"
She gives her bow to the applauding audience, nods to the section with her family watching with teary smiles that reflect her own tear streaked face, and leaves the stage. As soon as she's off stage, she is engulfed by Kurt, then Blaine, then all the others. They've had their disagreements and even fights, and they still argue or fuss at times, but she knows in her heart she has always needed them. After all they've done for her, they deserve to know that. She hugs and kisses everyone before finding her extended family in the hallway and doing the same with all of them. It really drills in just how many people she's had loving her and supporting her this whole time and it warms her heart. She is a very lucky girl. And she can't wait for the rest of them to learn of her remission.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The entire group of New Directions, new and old, gather together to sing "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," led by Finn, that was a big hit with the audience. They then moved into "Somebody to Love" just for old time's sake. They leave the stage, but Kurt quickly wanders back on stage carrying a large poster board, held backwards so that the audience can't read it. Rachel's mom is back on stage holding her clipboard and getting ready to call the next number. She stops to look at Kurt.
"Kurt? What's going on?"
"Hi, Aunt Shelby." He says, not bothering to lower his voice. "Sorry for not letting you know sooner, but we made a quick change to the schedule. We've got a little number to do before Finn and Puck do theirs."
"Oh, okay."
"Hey!" Finn comes on stage carrying his own board, also held backwards. "Where do we put these, Kurt?"
Kurt rolls his eyes. "Just hold it for a minute!"
Finn groans, pretending to be put out. Blaine hurries on with his own board.
"I've got mine! Where do I go?"
"Just….just stand next to Kurt, Blaine. I think."
"Works for me." Blaine grins and joins his boyfriend.
Rachel is standing off stage watching this with an excited smile. Her poor mother looks confused.
"Okay, I'll let you guys do your number." Her mom turns to leave the stage.
"Wait!" Kurt calls her back. "We're gonna need you to make sure we have these in the right order."
Her mom looks at them in confusion. "Okay? Should I close the curtain? This isn't very professional."
"Nah, it's fine." Finn assures her.
Santana is carrying the biggest board and joins the others on stage. "Finally! Now where's Berry? This was all her idea."
Rachel rolls her eyes. Figures Santana would make it clear from the start that it was her idea. That way if her mom is upset, Santana won't hold any of the blame. Clever coward. Not that Rachel can blame her. Her heart rate is picking up as her nerves increase. It is possible that her mom will be upset by this. She just hopes that's not the case. Or that her happiness overrides her anger or hurt. She doesn't want to upset her mom. She wants to surprise her with good news in a fun way. Setting her nerves aside and putting on a smile, Rachel walks onto the stage.
"Oh, good. Here, this one is yours." Santana hands the long poster board over to her. Rachel takes it, careful to keep the word on it hidden from view for now.
"What exactly is this performance?" Her mom asks.
"It's a voiceless performance!" Brittany says, dancing onto the stage. She turns Blaine's board, showing the word "AM" on it in large letters.
Her mom nods slowly. "O-Kay."
Finn glances down at his board. "Blaine, I think you need to stand on my other side."
He flips his board around, displaying the word "IN".
"No, Kurt's in the wrong spot." Blaine argues.
Finn and Blaine flip their boards back around so the audience, and Rachel's mom, can no longer read the words. While the two of them argue over whether or not Kurt is standing in the right spot, several things happen. First, Kurt turns his board to the audience, showing them the word "I". Once they read it and some people starting putting the three words together, especially with the longer and still hidden fourth word, excited murmurs start up. Her mom turns to the audience to see what they're reacting to, only to immediately be distracted by the rest of Rachel's close friends wandering on stage to join the commotion. Her poor mother looks lost and mildly annoyed.
"No, Rachel's in the wrong spot."
"She's not! She's last."
Noah laughs. "She's always last. Slow poke."
Rachel would cross her arms if she weren't still holding the sign. "I can't help that!"
The others playfully wave off her defense. They go back to squabbling over the order of the signs. While they do, Rachel makes sure her mom is still distracted. She then turns to the audience (focusing on where the rest of her family is sitting) and flips her board around, displaying the word "REMISSION". There's a collective gasp from the audience. Rachel quickly shushes them, signaling for quiet, and hides her board from her mom when she turns to look at her. The others "help" until they're in the right order.
"Alright, I think we've got it." Kurt says. "Aunt Shelby, can you read them to make sure we have the order right?"
At their cue, they all turn their poster board signs around so that Rachel's mom, and the audience, can read them. In order. Rachel is anxiously watching her mother, waiting for the woman to read them and react. No one says a word. They simply stand there holding the signs with huge smiles on their faces.
"I"
"AM"
"IN"
"REMISSION"
There's gasps and excited chatter from the audience before applause breaks out, building throughout the room like thunder. Rachel only cares about her mom's reaction. The woman's eyes had quickly scanned the signs, then she blinked and slowed down, clearly reading them again slower. Her eyes stay on the sign Rachel is holding. "REMISSION". The clipboard slips from her lax fingers and clatters at her feet. Struggling under this unexpected revelation, her mom slowly drags her green eyes up to meet Rachel's brown.
"You're—"
Rachel nods.
"Remission?" Emotion is clearly clogging her mom's throat, making the word come out a little hoarse.
"I'm in remission, Mom." She can feel her eyes well up, matching her mom's.
The moment her mom starts moving towards her, Rachel tosses her sign to the side and moves to meet her halfway. They catch one another in a fierce embrace, crying and laughing and hugging tight. Her mom dances her around a little, though she never releases her. She kisses her head repeatedly, murmuring "you did it, you did it" over and over. The entire audience is on their feet, cheering and applauding even louder than before. It is deafening. Her mom pulls back to wipe her eyes, laughing with sparkling eyes. And then she seems to become aware of her surroundings. Her smile falters, her brow furrows, and her eyes rove across the stage. Rachel watches, nerves rising again, as her mom puts two and two together. She takes in the signs and her friends holding them. She stares out at the audience for a moment and they go quiet. And then she turns back to Rachel, eyes narrowing.
"Rachel," she begins with an edge to her tone. Rachel's eyes widen and she backs up a couple steps. "Did you seriously tell me that you're in remission—in public?"
She takes a step closer to Rachel.
"On stage?"
Another step closer, more indignation filling her voice.
"In front of an audience?"
As she takes another step closer, Rachel takes another step backwards.
"And I'm the last to know?!"
"Run, Rachel!" Dylan shouts from the audience.
She doesn't need to be told twice. Rachel takes off running, her mother hot on her heels. First, she hides behind Kurt. He and Blaine are quick to grab her arms and push her forward to face her mother. She'll remember this betrayal later. When her mom reaches for her, she takes off running once again. Mother and daughter begin a dance, swirling and weaving between the people on stage; one sort of laughing but honestly a little scared and guilty, the other angry and a little hurt, and yet unable to stop the small smile on her face. The audience is torn between laughing and oohing, resulting in uncertain chatter. Finn, ever her hero, steps between the two of them in a crucial moment and faces her mom with his hands up in apology. That momentary pause gives Rachel enough time to race across the stage and disappear from her mom's view. What she wasn't expecting was to run through the stage's side door and straight into her grandparents. The couple is standing with arms crossed and glaring at her. She freezes.
"Um…hi?"
Her grandmother's stern expression wavers and tears spring to her eyes. She quickly softens and holds out her arms. "Oh, Rachel."
"I'm sorry, Nana! I thought it'd be fun! I didn't mean to upset anyone!"
"Sweetheart, right now I just want to hold you and celebrate the fact that you're in remission. We'll deal with how you shared the news later."
Safe in her grandmother's arms, she doesn't panic when the door behind her opens and the clack of her mother's heels approach them. The four of them end up in a teary group hug. When they pull apart, her mom still looks a little upset.
"You kept this from me?"
Guilt makes her feel like she's all of two feet tall. "I'm sorry, Mom! We found out yesterday and Scott and Finn wanted to tell you right away, so don't be mad at them. I thought this would be more…..fun and theatrical. And I only waited one day to tell you. It wasn't real long."
Her mom cups her cheek. "But I could have known yesterday. I could have had last night and this whole morning knowing my daughter is healthy." Rachel can feel her expression change despite her best efforts. She drops her eyes. "What is it?"
"I'm…..not. Not exactly."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm not technically….healthy. Yet."
"You're not in remission?"
"I am! But remember what they said before? That we'll have to redefine what healthy means for me? We're there."
The look on her mom's face breaks her heart. "I don't—"
"Shelby."
Her mom turns. Dr. Reed is standing further down the hall, waiting patiently. She nods to him. Sue is standing nearby and steps forward to make her presence known.
"You can use my office. For as long as you need."
"Thank you, Sue."
Rachel cowers at the look Sue gives her. But then the woman winks. So someone approves of how she shared the news, at least. Or at least isn't angry about it. In Sue's office, they all find somewhere to sit, though her mom refuses to let go of her. Rachel stays quiet and mostly zones out while Dr. Reed goes over everything with her family. She already knows it all and doesn't need to hear it again, but knows better than to ask to leave. The way her mom phrases a question pulls her attention back to the conversation.
"Are you saying she'll never be healthy?"
"No, no, nothing like that. She's not healthy right now. Not yet, at least. At the moment, she'll most likely continue to tire easily after strenuous activity or a long day. She'll probably continue to bruise easily, though not as badly. And she'll never be…she'll never be as healthy as she could have been if she'd never gotten sick. She'll probably always be anemic and have to watch that carefully. She may continue to struggle to wake up some mornings, even years from now. She may still get sick easily, though not as easily as she did while going through treatment. Though, I must say, I'm pressed she managed to avoid getting sick this past year."
The others nod in agreement. They all expected her to get sick more frequently than she did. Headaches and nausea aside, anyway.
"And the frequent headaches?"
"May or may not continue, though I'd assume not. Or at least not as bad as they've been."
"So, eventually, these things will fade and she'll just be left with being anemic? And possibly struggle to wake up some mornings?"
Dr. Reed shrugs. "Basically. Most symptoms will fade over time. The anemia will not, though the severity of it will. She's fine, Shelby. And she'll get better as time goes on."
Her mom releases a breath and runs a hand through her hair. "I like that we'll be continuing treatments for a while. Just to be safe. I don't want her to relapse so soon again. I mean ever, but—you know what I mean."
Her grandparents have been mostly quiet, only asking the occasional clarifying question. Now, they look at Rachel with soft looks. She understands their expressions. It's how she feels; relieved to be in remission, disappointed to still not be healthy, hopeful for a long remission, but afraid it'll be short once again. Now that all of her questions have been answered, her mom turns to her.
"And how are you feeling?"
She shrugs. "Fine. Thrilled that I won't have to deal with attacks anymore."
Her mom smiles. "Me, too. Though I'm still mad you told me in front of an audience! I'm not letting that go so quickly, Rachel."
"I thought it'd be fun and theatrical!" She continues her defense.
"How was that theatrical?"
"Well I was going to break out into song after our emotional hug, but then you got mad and started chasing me around the stage."
Her mom gives her a look that's a cross between irritation and curiosity. Curiosity wins. "What song?"
"You'll see. I'm still gonna sing it."
Dr. Reed promises to be available to answer any further questions that occur to any of them, then takes off. Rachel spends a couple minutes talking to her mother and grandparents before they all leave as well. When Rachel enters the choir room unscathed, she is greeted with relived sighs.
"Oh, good. I thought for sure your mom was gonna murder your scrawny ass." Santana admits.
The others nod.
"She's not happy about how and when she found out, but she's so happy that I'm in remission that she decided to downgrade from murder to mild torture."
"Torture?" Tina laughs.
"She'll be arranging whatever she wants to do to celebrate me being in remission again and I just have to go along with it and participate happily; no complaining allowed."
"Are you still gonna sing your song?"
"Of course."
Rachel and her friends head back to the stage. Finn and Noah are finishing up "You've Gotta Fight (For Your Right to Party)". They wait side stage while the boys finish rocking out. When Mr. Schue turns around and sees her, he immediately pulls her into a tight hug.
"I'm so happy for you!"
"Thanks, Mr. Schue."
The boys leave the stage. Noah gives her a hug and kisses her cheek. Finn kisses her on the lips before letting her head on stage. The moment she's on stage, the crowd is back on their feet applauding and cheering. Blushing but happy, Rachel laughs and clasps her hands together. When it goes on, she gives a slight bow. It's only then that they calm down and retake their seats. She stands before the microphone.
"So. I'm in remission. Here's hoping this one lasts longer than five months. It has been a long and arduous battle. I've had some close calls, but I survived. I get to live. To commemorate this, I found a fitting song. It's called 'Reaper' by Sia."
Behind her, her friends take their places. They'll be back up singers, they'll dance, and they're there just to celebrate. At her nod, the music starts playing.
"Broke down, thought that I would drown
Hope that I've been found, 'fore I hit the ground
Sun rays out the corner of my eye
Hey
Saw you weeping, saw you creeping
Saw you sneaking in the shadows of dawn
I feel so strong
Saw you out the corner of my eye
Don't come for me today
I'm feeling good
I'mma savor it
Don't come for me today
I'm feeling good
I remember when
You came to take me away
So close I was to heaven's gates
But no baby, no baby, not today
Oh, you tried to track me down
You followed me like the darkest cloud
But no baby, no baby, not today"
The audience is on their feet. Rachel can't express the joy she feels singing this chorus. This is her victory song. She escaped the grim reaper. Having the audience clap along and be on their feet through it amplifies her own emotions.
"(Reaper) Oh reaper
(Reaper) Oh no baby, no baby, not today
(Reaper) Oh reaper
(Reaper) Oh no baby, no baby, not today
So come back when I'm good to go
I got drinks to drink, and a man to hold
I got good things to do with my life, yeah
Oh, I want to dance in the open breeze
Feel the wind in my hair, hear the ocean sing
I got good things to feel in my life, yeah
Don't come for me today
I'm feeling good
I'mma savor it
Don't come for me today
I'm feeling good
I remember when
You came to take me away
So close I was to heaven's gates
But no baby, no baby, not today
Oh, you tried to track me down
You followed me like the darkest cloud
But no baby, no baby, not today
(Reaper) Oh reaper
(Reaper) Oh no baby, no baby, not today
(Reaper) Oh reaper
(Reaper) Oh no baby, no baby, not today"
The music keeps playing and her friends keep singing the word "reaper" a couple more times while the audience is cheering. They'd gotten on their feet to clap along while she was singing the chorus the first time. They stayed on their feet and are now applauding, cheering, and whistling. Rachel has the biggest smile on her face as she takes in this moment and laughs when Kurt comes up to hug her as the music fades. She takes her bow to even louder applause and cheers.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Her mom runs her fingers through her hair. Rachel stays quiet and waits, knowing her mom needs this. Once again, they're curled up on the swing on their patio. Yero is running around the backyard, enjoying having the space to truly run again. It makes Rachel's heart pang with guilt. Dogs aren't meant to be cooped up. Especially not big dogs. Both Fiyero and Finn prefer a life like this. Hell, if she's being honest, so does she. She loves the city. She also loves having a home in the suburbs like this. But she loves Broadway more. That means living in the city. She wonders if there's a way to split their time between city living and small town life.
"You'll be healthy one day."
Startled out of her musings, Rachel blinks and looks up at her mom. "Huh?"
"You will be healthy one day."
She nods. "Yeah. Once they make a cure."
Her mom slowly shakes her head, the corner of her mouth tugging up into a soft smile. "Even before then. You continue to defy all the odds. You'll be truly healthy one day. I know it."
"I will. After all, I'm your daughter. I have the crown to prove it."
Her mom laughs and hugs her.
Straighten your crown, princess. There are still battles to be won.
xxxxxxxxxx
A/N: For "Free" and "I Wanna Get Better", go to YouTube and search for Kelly Clarkson's covers of those songs (that she sung on her show). Those are the versions I love and imagined Rachel singing. Obviously, the "Be Okay" is supposed to be sung the same was as it was in the show by Rachel and Santana.
