Hours had passed. Days. All in the same broken darkness. Merlin had never considered what blindness was like, why would he? But he was learning, and he hated every second of it.
The darkness was whole and endless and devastating. It didn't matter whether his eyes were open or closed. There were no shadows, or the feeling of light on his face, nothing. He was locked in a room with the darkness washing over him and giving him no reprieve.
If that wasn't bad enough, there was also the pity. Merlin couldn't stand it, but there was no way to stop it. Gwen frequently came by, sitting beside his bed and resting her palms next to him, pressing down occasionally as a silent tell of where she was. Gaius had fashioned a long walking stick and had been trying to teach him how to use it by listening to the sound of what it hit to know where he was.
Even Morgana had visited him. She'd sounded sincere in her well wishes, and she'd had a pleasant conversation with him and Gaius for several minutes before leaving, but still Merlin was suspicious. The worst, however, had to be Arthur. He'd been in to see him almost every evening, even if only for a few minutes.
At first Merlin had encouraged and enjoyed his visits, because the prince was the only one who didn't speak to him with pity in his words. But then he'd come with the news on his third day that Merlin should have seen coming from the start. Arthur had hired someone else. Someone who would, and had, taken over the warlock's job.
Since that day Merlin had barely left his room, choosing to stay in bed unless forced out by Gaius. Everything in his life was falling apart. He couldn't even try to use his magic to heal himself because he couldn't look through a book or read the spells. He was useless.
And that was where his train of thought was when there was a knock on his bedroom door. He didn't respond, instead hearing the door creak open a minute later.
"Lounging in bed again." Arthur commented, the door closing behind him.
"Problem with that?" Merlin asked, his voice quiet as he shifted and sat up, pushing himself until he felt his back press into the wall behind his bed.
"You're already too scrawny, it will get worse if you never move." The prince muttered dryly, and the warlock heard the chair near him scoot before the blond sat down with a sigh. "So. I've had my men out the last few days, searching the forest for what did this to you."
Merlin could hear the frustration in his friend's tone, and his fingers curled into small fists against his knees. "Oh?" He asked as if he were interested.
Even if Arthur or any of the knights found the sidhe, what could they do? They didn't stand a chance. But the more likely option was now that they took him down like they wanted, there was no point in remaining in the forest to be found by just anyone.
"We've searched all over, but we can't find even a trace of what caused this." Arthur sounded regretful. Funny. Merlin didn't feel a thing.
"Not like it matters. Finding what did this won't change what happened." The warlock said bluntly, resting his head back against the wall and listening to the prince breathe.
Since losing his sight he'd been required to depend more on his hearing, and Arthur was by far the easiest to understand. The way he breathed, or sighed, or shifted, it was all very indicative of what he was feeling or thinking. Or maybe Merlin just knew him too well. Perhaps it was some of both.
Arthur shifted twice in the course of a minute, and Merlin knew he felt uncomfortable. "You don't need to stay." The warlock finally spoke, feeling the tension building in the air with his words.
He didn't care if he sounded rude though, he just wanted to be alone. He wished everyone would just leave him alone.
"Right. Well. I'll check on you later." Arthur said, his voice tight, and the sharp sound of his chair scooting back made Merlin cringe.
"You don't need to, it's not as if anything will have changed." The boy muttered, turning away from the blond and curling once again on his bed, tucking his hand beneath his head.
Arthur moved through his room and for a moment the warlock felt him right beside him, his presence undeniable. But whatever he was considering doing he thought better of, and quietly left the room, pulling the door shut behind him.
After that, Merlin lay in bed for hours. Not moving. Not eating. Not drinking. He wasn't even sure that he slept. He just laid there with his thoughts, in the dark, alone. And the one thought, prominently at the front of his mind, was that he didn't want this anymore. He didn't want to exist.
He'd never considered just how much he depended on his sight, or how much he cared about his destiny. They went hand in hand, and now he was nothing. He had no purpose. No use. And he hated himself for that.
More time passed in silence with his dark thoughts until he heard his door open again and Gaius cleared his throat. "I've prepared dinner."
Merlin didn't respond. He'd been hungry the first two days, but after constantly knocking things over and spilling every meal he tried to eat, he'd just given up.
"Merlin." Gaius hadn't lost his patience with him yet. The elder still tried relentlessly to get him to eat, and there was always fresh water at his bedside, even when the warlock dropped or spilled it. "Merlin, you've got to eat something." His guardian sighed, walking closer and settling into the chair near his bed.
"I'm not hungry." Merlin murmured, curling tighter in a ball on his bed. He just wanted to be left alone.
When the physician still didn't leave, the warlock turned his head a fraction and swallowed. "Is there.. Is there nothing you can do?" He asked softly, barely able to stand the silence that followed.
"I've searched every book I own, Merlin. I'm sorry." The man finally answered, and the warlock felt his world break apart. Again.
Turning his head into his pillow, Merlin drew in a trembling breath. "I'm going to sleep." He said, trying to ignore the thickness of his voice. He refused to move again until Gaius had risen and left the room.
"I'll be here if you need me, Merlin." The physician said softly before the door closed and he left the boy. In the silence. In the darkness. Alone.
Arthur couldn't stop pacing. Back and forth. Back and forth. He was certain he was wearing holes in the floorboards of his chambers, but he didn't care. He had too much nervous energy that had built and he hadn't been able to find a way to get it out, even with all the training he'd taken up in the last few days.
What was even worse was that as he paced, a too quiet servant was cleaning his floors. Arthur might have felt bad about walking all over his work if he wasn't so frustrated. The man was working. Quietly. And efficiently. Arthur couldn't help but glare. He understood he hadn't had a choice in needing a replacement for Merlin, but it wasn't the same.
"You missed a spot." Arthur spoke before he could stop himself, pointing to a spot on the floor that was still wet but pristine, having obviously already been cleaned.
Merlin would have frowned, asked if the prince was blind—he cringed at that thought now—and would barely swipe his rag over it before turning away. This man, however, quickly looked to the floor, wrang out his rag, and scrubbed the spot on the floor where the prince had pointed.
"N-No, I was.." Arthur paused, watching as the man's head whipped up, barely making eye contact with him until the royal sighed. "It was already clean. I was messing with you."
"Sire?" The servant asked in confusion, rag still on the floor, and the blond frowned.
"Never mind." Turning away, he heard the scrubbing resume, followed shortly after by his continued pacing.
He hated this. He—and the thought almost made him gag—missed Merlin.
When he could no longer stand the sound of the cleaning, Arthur turned on his heel and stormed out of his room. He was bored and he was lonely. He never really considered just how much he had gotten used to Merlin always just being there. Because Merlin was always around.
He went with the prince on hunts and adventures and tasks. He was there during day to day life. Arthur would never say it aloud, but Merlin was his friend, his closest friend, and it was strange seeing his absence everywhere he went.
As the prince wandered the citadel, Arthur's mood worsened. He had nothing to do. No one to mess with. Well, there were plenty of people he could pick on, but none that would react like Merlin; therefore it wasn't worth trying in the first place. And this time there was nothing he could do. No flower to fetch to heal him, no promising remedy. He had no way to fix what had been broken.
The longer Arthur walked, the more he found himself needing to avoid everyone else. Even the idea of seeing Guinevere wasn't one that cheered him up like it normally would. The problem was that there were so many people all around the citadel.
Before long, the prince found himself ascending a winding set of stairs and walking a short way to the tower that Merlin frequented. The previous Court Sorcerer's tower. Arthur rarely went up there, only when he was in search of his servant and hadn't been able to find him anywhere else. Now he couldn't help wondering if Merlin would ever return. How long would it take him to adjust to the loss of one of his senses?
Arthur's shoulders slumped as he kicked open the door and stepped inside, surprised to find it much cleaner than the last time he'd seen it. The floors had been scrubbed, the walls cleaned of cobwebs, the windows wiped of dust. It still smelled old and forbidden, but the prince knew that was possibly just because of how he viewed the tower. As something forbidden.
As he looked around, he saw that one window had been left partially open, allowing the owl that the boy had adopted to come and go as it pleased. Suddenly Arthur understood why Merlin was constantly in the tower. The owl—what had he named that thing again—was bigger now, nearly full grown, and the prince had to admit that it was beautiful as it sat in the open frame.
The creature was well behaved as well, as Arthur had rarely seen it, and when he did it always listened to Merlin. He wasn't sure what kind of magic that was, but he wanted some of it. He was certain that Merlin was some sort of animal whisperer, as he'd yet to see a creature that didn't respond well to his servant.
"Hello." Arthur said aloud, lifting his hand in a partial wave before dropping it immediately after, his cheeks warming at how foolish he felt from the action. The owl's head tilted however, studying the blond a moment before squawking, almost as if returning the greeting.
"I'm allowed to be in here." Arthur said slowly, beginning to walk throughout the room as the bird's eyes tracked his movement and squawked again. "Hush now, I have more right to be here than you do." The man stated, jabbing a finger in the creature's direction.
Making his way off to the side and going into the adjoining room, he found it just as clean as the main room. When had Merlin done all that? And why weren't his chambers as clean as this place?
A third squawk sounded from the other room, though this one was alarmed, and the noise made Arthur turn on his heel to poke his head out to see what was the matter. The last thing he needed on top of everything else was for something to happen to that bird and for Merlin to end up blaming him for it.
"Keep it down! Why are you so loud?" Arthur shouted, pushing open the door and stopping in his tracks, his blood turning to ice in his veins. Standing in the shadows on the other side of the door, which had since been closed, was a face he had never wanted to see again.
"A guard owl, how interesting." The Court Sorcerer crooned, staring at the owl who was frozen in place.
"What are you doing here? How did you even get inside the citadel?" Arthur demanded, his hand dropping to his waist only to curse himself. He'd left his sword to be cleaned.
"You think I can't get into what was once my own tower? You must think very little of me, Prince."
"What do you want?" Arthur ground his teeth, and the man smiled.
He looked as the prince remembered, though less filthy. In the shadows he couldn't see the scales that he remembered from before, and he took note of the fact that while he didn't block the door, it was clear Arthur wasn't allowed to leave.
"I heard about that friend of yours. Merlin."
"And what of it?" Arthur asked, his fingers tightening into fists at his sides.
"I can help."
"No." The prince replied immediately. "I won't make any more deals with you."
"Who said anything about deals?" The sorcerer's head tilted to the side, a twinkle in his eyes that made them gleam in the dark. "I have what I wish from you already, Prince. What happened to this boy, well, it wasn't meant to happen."
"And how would you know?" Arthur scoffed, taking a step closer. He wished he had his sword, and he regretted leaving without thinking to grab it.
"Because I know the course things are supposed to take, and they've veered so far off the path that I've had to step in."
"Why do you care?" He was curious, genuinely curious. Why should this sorcerer care what happened to Merlin?
"Let's just say that I'm invested in his future. And yours."
Arthur couldn't stop the sigh that left him, an ache beginning in the back of his head the longer he tried speaking with the sorcerer. He couldn't even threaten him, couldn't even try and hurt him because of what he'd done for Merlin the last time the boy was in pain.
"I no longer care what you're invested in." Arthur said tightly, and for a moment the man's eyes turned cold and hard, just like a reptile.
"All you have to do is pour this in his eyes." Lifting a vial as he spoke, Arthur squinted to see a mud colored liquid sloshing around inside.
"I don't want to see Merlin suffer, but I won't risk making a deal with you again."
"There is no deal!" The sorcerer bellowed, and Arthur felt the room grow cold. And suddenly, he realized he had the upper hand.
"Why do you care so much?" The prince asked again, taking a step forward and feeling a distinct chill in the air.
"Will you really let your friend suffer for your actions?" The man asked in a deep voice, unlike anything Arthur had ever heard from him, or anyone, before.
"You have some ulterior motive to gain from this."
"So?" The sorcerer snarled, and the prince heard a hissing in the word. "What I want and what you want align. Why does it matter what else comes from it?"
The room was freezing now, and even that ridiculous owl had taken the hint and flown away, but Arthur was still stuck with the door closed.
"Pour this in his eyes." The man began again, and his shadow seemed to grow larger in the darkness as he lifted the vial with one hand, and a scrap of paper in the other. "You'll each read from the scroll, first you, then him. Cover his eyes tightly, and within two days his sight will be restored."
"Tell me what you stand to gain from this." Arthur demanded.
"Magic!" The sorcerer hissed with laughter, and a breath of cold air washed over the blond with the words. "I want you, the prince of Camelot to use magic to save your friend."
"You've already used magic to save him."
"But you will be the one using it this time."
Scoffing, Arthur folded his arms over his chest and glowered at the darkness hiding the man. "I have no magic."
"No?" The man cackled. "Then you have nothing to fear from trying."
Staring at the vial, Arthur took another step, backwards this time, and shook his head. "No. I will do nothing you want again." And before the sorcerer could say another word, the prince slipped out the door and didn't look back as he returned to his chambers, hating himself the entire way.
The darkness of his room was suffocating, and as Arthur tossed and turned in his bed, he found sleep impossible. This was how Merlin felt, wasn't it? Only instead of seeing shadows and outlines as Arthur did, the boy saw nothing.
The more time that passed, the more he thought of the sorcerer and his deal. Did he make the right choice? He wasn't so sure. He thought he had, but then he'd gone to see Merlin again and the boy wouldn't even talk to him.
"I'm afraid he will waste away, refusing to eat or speak." Gaius had said when the prince went to leave, and Arthur knew the man was right.
Merlin had given up. He wasn't sure why, Arthur knew those that lived fully with no sight, yet the boy seemed to think his whole world was over. It was frustrating in a way, because if he could just learn to adjust, Arthur wouldn't be faced with this guilt.
Pulling a pillow over his head and groaning, Arthur heaved a long sigh when a brisk wind blew through his room and he heard the sound of his window smashing open. Jolting up out of his bed and scrambling to the other side to retrieve his sword, Arthur's bare feet landed on the floor as he circled his room slowly.
"Who is there?" He demanded, the cold air washing over his bare chest as he grit his teeth.
The window panes on his far window were open and his curtains waved in a warm breeze. Despite the weather his room was frigid, and as Arthur turned to survey his chambers again he froze in his tracks.
Sitting in the middle of his table was a small vial containing a mud colored liquid. Beneath it were two scraps of paper, and as Arthur neared, his guard was up. He half expected the sorcerer to appear out of the darkness and demand he use it, but a piece of him knew that wasn't needed. He wouldn't turn down a cure a second time.
Setting down his sword and grabbing the vial, Arthur found the first scrap of paper was old and weathered and contained the same strange, scrawled words that he'd found with Merlin long ago in that tower. Beneath it, in the same handwriting but in a modern language and on brighter paper, was a simple note. 'Help him and help yourself. I require nothing else.'
Scowling, Arthur clutched the vial tightly before setting it back down and hurrying across the room. In minutes he was dressed and tucking the paper and cure into his pocket before hurrying across the citadel to the physician's tower.
This was a bad idea. He knew this was a bad idea, but he reasoned that the last few choices he'd made were all bad ideas, and Merlin was the only one who shared in all of them. The accidental potion they'd spilled. The bargain for Merlin's life. And now this.
If he didn't do as the sorcerer said, who knew what fatal acts would occur? And if it helped Merlin in the long run, doing what that man said, at least there was a silver lining, right? He was justifying it, he knew, but as he knocked on the physician's chambers he knew he no longer cared.
He waited a few moments before knocking again, hearing nothing on the other side but seeing light pooling beneath the door. Pushing it open and stepping inside, he found the place empty.
"Merlin?" Arthur called, making his way to his servant's room and pushing the door open a fraction, peering in and finding the boy exactly where he'd left him hours earlier.
"Gaius isn't here." The boy muttered, somehow managing to curl tighter in on himself as he spoke. "He went to check on a patient."
"I'm not here for him. I'm here for you." Hesitating in the doorway a moment longer, the prince closed the door and made his way to the chair near the boy's bed.
"Why?" Merlin asked, his head tilting towards him while his brows pulled together in confusion.
Before he could lose what resolve he had, Arthur hurried through the explanation, from meeting the sorcerer again to finding the vial left on his table in the middle of the night.
"Arthur, no." Those were the first words out of the boy's mouth, and the prince wasn't surprised.
"We have no other choice, Merlin. Not unless you want to remain blind."
"We can't."
"What difference does it make?" Arthur snapped, causing Merlin to fall silent as he sucked in a breath and slowly let it out. "It's a potion and a spell, it's not that difficult. I don't think."
Merlin sat up then, tucking his legs up to his chest as wide, white eyes stared blankly at the wall behind the royal. He seemed scared, and Arthur couldn't blame him. Magic was outlawed, and since stumbling on that tower, the two of them seemed caught up in it more and more.
"I can't." Merlin whispered, and Arthur clutched the vial tightly.
"We'll both read from it. I'll go first, and slow, and all you'll have to do is repeat it."
"We both will?" He asked, his head tilting in curiosity as Arthur nodded before remembering he couldn't see him.
"Apparently it will only work if we both do it." At that, the boy's brows drew together again, and he shook his head once, firmly.
"Why would you agree to this? You know what your father thinks of magic. You know the consequences."
"I didn't agree." Arthur said quickly, rolling his shoulder and looking away. "It was left, and I see no point in not using it when he doesn't want anything else in return."
Merlin was silent for a few moments, and then he reached out, his hand flailing in the air until it settled on the prince's wrist. "But that doesn't explain why you're willing to use magic."
Scowling, the man pulled from the boy's grip and rose, beginning to pace the room. "As opposed to the other times we haven't? That potion we found accidentally? Or what about the deal I made to save your life? This is no different than those times."
Justification after justification. He wasn't fit to be king. Not after this. Yet here he was, fighting with Merlin to go through with it. Why?
"Are you sure?" Merlin's quiet question interrupted Arthur's thoughts, and he found himself stopping at the end of his servant's bed.
"Not at all." He answered honestly, and Merlin nodded once.
"How would we explain it? If it works, we'd need to explain how it happened."
"We'll call it a miracle." Arthur shrugged, the realization dawning on him what the string was that was attached to all of it. There wasn't a way to properly explain how his eyesight had returned. Everyone would know it was because of magic. Everyone.
"You know no one will believe that."
"I know." The two descended into silence then, and a hopelessness washed over the royal. How was it that he failed even when making the wrong choice? "Has Gaius tried anything for you?" Arthur finally asked, walking over and collapsing on the end of Merlin's bed as the boy tipped his head back and let out a low hum.
"A few remedies here and there, a couple of potions, a few salves."
Nodding to himself, Arthur stared up at the ceiling as his mind raced. Bolting upright, the royal turned, curling one leg up on the bed and leaning closer to the boy.
"If we do this—"
"Arthur—"
"Shut up. If we do this, there's no going back."
Merlin blinked, milky white hues darting around without sight as he swallowed once. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out, and it took another moment before he cleared his throat and tried again.
"We don't need to do this. I can handle this."
Arthur couldn't help the scoff that left him, ignoring the offended look the boy dawned. "You're wasting away. Gaius told me that you haven't been eating, and I know you haven't left this room in days."
"I'm adjusting." Merlin said softly, and Arthur shook his head, more to himself than anything.
"Do you want this?" After several seconds, when the boy still hadn't answered, Arthur reached out and gripped his shoulder tightly. "Do you want this, Merlin?"
"Yes." His answer was so quiet the royal could barely hear it, but he did hear it.
"Then we'll do it." He said firmly, taking in a deep breath. "We'll do it, and we'll praise Gaius for his potions that were mixed in such a way that it finally worked."
"No one will believe that Arthur." Merlin murmured, sinking his chin down onto his knees.
"No." The royal sighed, tapping his fingers against his leg. Suddenly the man surged forward, his hand reaching to the back of Merlin's head as he felt the boy stiffen.
"What are you doing?"
"Didn't you have a bump on your head?"
"Yeah, but the swelling went down a couple of days ago."
Grinning, Arthur ruffled the boy's hair and drew out a disgruntled sigh from him. "That's what we'll do! We'll blame it on the bump!"
"The bump?"
"I've seen men lose sight from a strong enough hit to the back of their head." Arthur explained, grasping futilely at the straws presented to him. "We'll say that when the swelling went down, your sight slowly returned. We'll fabricate the whole thing, as if it were from the very start."
"But why?"
"Because it's the only thing that might convince people."
"No," Merlin shook his head carefully. "I mean, why are you doing this?"
"Because I won't have you left like this." Arthur answered sharply, lifting his chin and gripping the vial tightly. "Magic did this to you. It's only right that magic fix it."
The boy was quiet at that, and Arthur didn't wait for him to argue as he went into the other room in search of supplies and returned a moment later with a long strip of fabric. Before he could stop himself or think better of his actions, Arthur sat on the bed directly in front of Merlin.
"Tilt your head back and keep your eyes open." He instructed, removing the cork from the vial and holding it over the boy's eyes.
He hesitated one moment, two, and then carefully poured the concoction into his servant's eyes. Merlin blinked several times, his fingers digging into the fabric of his trousers, but otherwise remained silent.
"Alright, hold still." Reaching the fabric around, Arthur carefully wrapped it around his friend's head and eyes, securing the wrap tight enough to hold. "Now listen carefully, because you'll need to repeat what I say when I'm done."
Merlin nodded, but again said nothing, and Arthur pulled the parchment from his pocket. Unfolding it, he squinted down at the words and cleared his throat before slowly stuttering through the spell that meant nothing to him.
"Bord, wip stende hine, aliese." Swallowing, Arthur nudged Merlin and the boy sat up straight, opening his mouth and reciting the words back.
"Bord, wiþ stende hine, aliese."
A chill raced down Arthur's spine at hearing the words, and when Merlin was finished he inhaled sharply, his hands reaching for his eyes.
"Don't remove it. He said it would take two days." Merlin obeyed, his hands slowly falling to his lap. "You pronounced that far better than I expected you to." Arthur said after a few moments of tense silence, and Merlin offered him a sheepish smile.
"Irritated I'm better at something than you?"
"As if. If I'd have heard it properly before having to repeat it I'd have done far better."
Neither spoke again for several minutes, sitting in silence as the prince thought over what they'd done. They wouldn't even know if the remedy worked for a couple of days, and if things proved that it had, that was going to open the door to an entirely new set of problems. Finally, Arthur rose, muttering something about leaving before Gaius returned and questioned why he was there.
Before he managed to take a step away, however, Merlin reached out, his fingers wrapping around the prince's wrist. "Thank you, Arthur."
Staring down at his friend, curled up and without sight, Arthur swallowed thickly. "Thank me if it works."
Pulling his hand away, he left the boy alone, closing the door quietly behind him before leaning against the rough wood. There was a pit deep in his stomach, and guilt raged through him.
It had been one thing to consider it, and another to have it happen accidentally, but today he had used magic. He had used magic. Bile rose in the back of his throat and Arthur worked to force it down, taking slow and deep breaths. All of this was going to bite him in the ass one day, and he had a feeling that day would be soon.
A/N
Both of these boys are making the wrong decisions and I love it because Merlin means so much more to Arthur than he will ever admit and he would only do these sorts of things for him.
Also, I think Merlin would have been fine without his sight, but I do think he has put so much of his self worth into his destiny and protecting Arthur, that when faced with the reality that he would not be able to do it, or he would be greatly hindered, that he would just shut down. Plus, you know, angst.
ANNOUNCEMENT
I am putting this story on a short, few month hiatus! I WILL RETURN TO THIS STORY!
I have a lot planned, and soon I want to reveal what exactly Elacard is, but for right now I'm losing my joy for this story, and I don't want to make this a chore. HOWEVER you will not have to go without Merlin angst!
I will be putting my time into a new, single storyline fanfiction with these loveable idiots, and keeping to the same three week posting schedule as before, so keep an eye out for the first chapter in a couple of weeks!
Thank you all for the kind words and comments, and I hope to see you all in my new story!
