Happy Tuesday, folks. Hope everyone enjoys this one. We're forging ahead in the story, I know that it might seem like there are some repeated ideas or things like that, but I wanted to show how this was progressing in my mind. When I originally wrote this I was listening to two songs on repeat - Hey, Ma, by Bon Iver, and Goodpain, the Spotify acoustic one, by Yoke Lore. Neither has anything to do with the story at all. But hey, if you're curious about what was playing in my mind, that's what it was. Great songs if you have the time to check them out. Alright, away we go!
At 2:30 the next morning Lauren found herself awake. Bo was lying beside her, mercifully sleeping, and Zeus was snoring near the bedroom door. Lauren quietly got out of bed, gulped down a quick glass of water, and then slipped back between the sheets.
She settled back, listening to the sounds of the house. If she was perfectly still she could hear the mechanical whir of the freezer as it made ice, the rustle of trees outside as a breeze blew by, the ticking of the clock on the living room wall. Bo seemed restless beside her, fidgeting in her sleep, her legs twitching as she moved in some unknown dream. Lauren closed her eyes and tried to find sleep again.
Sleep proved elusive as she became increasingly aware of the sounds of Bo. She heard a whimper, and she felt her heart seize at the sound. Bo sounded tortured. She sounded like she was crying. I have no mouth and I need to scream. The title floated through her mind and made her shiver. Lauren continued to listen, wishing there was something she could do. Knowing there wasn't, she just continued her silent vigil.
By 3 Lauren had begun to drift towards sleep when she heard Bo awaken with a jolt, her breathing fast. Before Lauren could speak to her, she heard Bo slip from bed. Assuming she was going to the bathroom, Lauren continued to lay quietly, waiting for her to come back.
Lauren dozed lightly, listening for sounds of Bo returning. She heard ice drop in the freezer. She heard a branch scratch the window. She heard the clock tick, tick, tick. She heard the click of the front door as Bo slipped outside for a run.
At 7, Lauren sat at the kitchen counter, drinking coffee. The front door opened and Bo came in, sweaty and breathing heavily. Lauren said nothing, but turned her head to look at Bo, who gave a slight jump when she saw Lauren.
"Hey, what are you doing up?" Bo asked, kicking off her shoes and pulling off her sweatshirt. Her tank top underneath was stuck to her back with sweat, plain white today, and strands of her hair were loosing from her messy ponytail.
Lauren didn't answer, just took another sip of coffee, while Bo crossed to the pot to pour her own mug. Without adding anything to it, Bo took a sip of the black liquid, looking at Lauren who was still silent.
"Everything okay?" Bo asked when Lauren continued to not speak.
Lauren regarded the mug without comment. "What time did you leave to go running?" Lauren asked, trying to keep her voice calm.
Bo gave Lauren an odd look, and then shrugged. "I don't know, not long ago, why?"
At the response, Lauren felt a spike of adrenaline as anger sparked in her. "How long ago is 'not long ago'?" Lauren pressed.
Bo looked back at her, her face carefully blank. Like she's evaluating how much I know, Lauren thought. "I'm not sure what time it was," Bo answered, noncommittally.
Lauren set her mug down with force. She saw a bit of coffee splash over the edge. "Did you have a panic attack today?" She could feel the anger coursing through her now as she tried to keep herself even.
Bo regarded Lauren was confusion, like she was a new creature Bo had never seen. "I'm fine, Lo, what's going on?"
The nickname inexplicably made Lauren snap. "You're not fucking fine, Bo."
Bo put up both hands in mock defense, taking a half step back. "Okay, okay, what's wrong?"
Lauren ran a frustrated hand through her hair and took a steadying breath. "You've been gone for four hours. Four hours, Bo!"
Bo looked surprised. "Okay, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was that long. Did something happen?"
Lauren was seized with the sudden urge to cry, or laugh, or scream, or some amalgamation of all. "Are you serious right now?" Her voice had a whispering tone as she struggled to maintain some thin veneer of composure.
Bo continued to stand still, seemingly afraid to move, continuing to assess Lauren.
Lauren sighed, gathering herself, trying to redirect her thoughts. "This isn't sustainable, Bo. Four hours? Running four hours in the middle of the night? And when I ask you about it, you deflect, or you deny, or tell me not to worry about it. How can I fucking not worry about it?"
Bo stood quietly. "I just…needed to run. I'm sorry."
"In the entire time I've known you I don't think I've seen you go running before this week."
Bo didn't say anything.
"I understand that you manage your anxiety through physical activity. Running, sex, whatever. I get that. But you need another outlet, and it needs to be something that addresses the root of the anxiety. Constant action isn't sustainable. We need to work on this."
Bo continued to stand silently, taking in Lauren's words.
Lauren sighed. "Please say something," she said, wearily, exhaustion threatening as the adrenaline began to ebb.
Bo took a sip of coffee and then sat her mug down. She took a breath. "Doing physical things keeps me from fixating on problems. Running, working, having sex…it takes my energy and refocuses it somewhere positive. It helps me."
Lauren nodded. "There's nothing wrong with that, but there has to be more than that. You can't just run until all this is over. Your body will give out eventually. You don't sleep. There's no way you aren't the edge of a full collapse. The panic attacks make me think that's coming sooner rather than later."
"Panic attack," Bo corrected. "Just one."
"Do you honestly believe another one isn't coming?"
Bo shrugged. "Maybe not."
"C'mon, Bo, you're not delusional. It happened once, it can happen again."
Bo shook her head. "It's not delusion. Maybe it happened once. There is no evidence that it will happen again."
Hello, adrenaline, old friend. Lauren looked at her sharply. "So, that's it then? Hope that was the only time?"
"Lauren…"
Lauren shook her head and took a drink of coffee. They lapsed into a tense quiet.
"What do you expect me to do, Bo?"
Bo shrank back from the words.
"I mean that honestly. If you were me, what would you be doing right now? You won't talk to me. You barely look at me. When I come near you, you're constantly startled or look like you want to run away. I try to get you to sleep and you leave in the middle of the night to run. You hide that you're having panic attacks." Bo moved as if she were going to correct Lauren's use of the plural again, and Lauren froze her with a sharp look. "And you downplay every goddamn part of it," she concluded.
Bo took a sip of her coffee, absorbing Lauren's words. Lauren watched her, feeling like she could almost see the wheels turning in Bo's mind. She watched Bo squeeze her eyes shut and prepared herself for what Bo was about to say, already sensing the blow that was likely to come.
"I'm fine," Bo said, her voice a whisper.
Boom. There it was – that was the blow. It felt like a crack of a hand punching against her chest. Blood thundered in Lauren's ears, and Lauren would have sworn in that moment that she heard some door deep inside of Bo slamming closed.
Lauren wanted to scream. She wanted to rage. She wanted to break something.
She began to cry, the exhaustion and frustration overtaking her.
Bo immediately came to her, putting her arms around her, trying to comfort her, and its only effect was to make Lauren cry harder. She struggled to get her breath as Bo held her. Her body was a live wire, and Bo's touch both comforted and hurt.
She wanted to hold her tighter.
She wanted to push her away.
She wanted to vomit.
She wanted to be alone.
She wanted to stop feeling so utterly, completely, goddamn alone.
When she finally started to find herself again, she choked out, "why can't you let me do this for you?"
Lauren felt Bo shudder slightly, but she remained quiet. Lauren felt herself further deflate. "What am I doing wrong?" she asked, as she pulled back from Bo's arms. She felt her own arms draw up, trying to self-soothe.
She was almost startled to see the tears on Bo's face. Lauren ran her thumb across them, clearing them away.
"It's…it's my fault," Bo said, her voice quiet and vague, distant.
"What's your fault?" Lauren asked back, softly. She felt the broken pieces of herself orbiting, threatening to fall away.
"I can't…" Bo paused and opened her hands flexing her fingers out as she searched for words. "I don't know how to…I don't know."
"Am I doing something that is making it harder for you to open up, or that makes it more difficult for you to communicate with me?" Lauren asked.
Please say no, please say I'm not hurting you.
Please say yes, please say I can fix it.
Bo quickly shook her head. "It's me," she said, "it's…I'm just…"
Lauren put a hand on Bo's cheek, stilling her. "After everything we've been through, after everything we've shared, you have to know that there isn't anything you could say to me that would change the way I feel about you."
Bo's eyes looked cold. "You don't know that."
The look in Bo's eyes terrified her. "I know you," Lauren replied, desperate to fight back against the ice in Bo. "And I know how I feel about you."
Bo was shifting her weight from foot to foot and Lauren forced herself to ignore it, waiting for Bo to speak again. When she didn't, Lauren pulled in a breath, relenting.
"Did you want to go to the bar today?" It was a concession, a tacit surrender that they weren't fixing this, not now at least.
Bo cast her eyes down and nodded. "And I…I need to go by my office, too."
Lauren stilled.
Bo sighed. "I know that's…" she shrugged. "I have court tomorrow, and I need to at least look things over so I know what's going on."
Everything felt distant. They were both broken, both flinching back emotionally from another attack. At this point Lauren didn't know who was teetering closer to the edge.
She turned Bo's words over in her mind. It was a reasonable request. Rational, even. And there were no words for how much Lauren hated it.
Bo and Lauren went about their morning routine in a calm, if a bit tense, quiet. The air had the feel of a storm about to hit, both of them acting carefully, as if they could sense any small jolt could set things wildly off course again.
At 11, Bo picked up her keys, and then stood for a moment, looking at them as if they were alien things. She then pushed them into her pocket, walked to Lauren, and kissed her soundly.
"I'll meet you at the Dal in a couple of hours," she said, quietly.
Lauren, her eyes still closed from the kiss, nodded. Bo dropped another quick kiss to Lauren's cheek and walked out the door.
Lauren pulled up at the Dal and put her car in park. She shut off the engine and sat back, not ready to get out yet, not ready to face her friends and act like things were okay, like progress was being made. She wanted to…what? Wallow. Commiserate. She picked up her phone and dialed Vex's number.
"1-900-feet pix," the accented voice greeted her.
"Really? That's how you answer the phone?"
"Oh my, is that Lo? Well this is right embarrassing, here I thought you were that nice podiatrist I meant round the bar last week."
"Dave is a podiatrist?'
"That was catty, even for you," Vex answered. "To what do I owe the honor of this call?"
"I want to be bitchy," Lauren said, flatly.
"As do I, always. Topic?"
"Being in love sucks."
"Darling, I have been waiting for this call for years. Talk to Vexie."
"I can't get her to talk to me about what she's feeling. All she wants to do is exercise and have sex."
Vex didn't reply.
"Hello? Vex? This is the point where you tell me I'm right and I'm brilliant and that everything I do and feel is perfect?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," Vex said. "I didn't know we'd gotten to the problem yet. No feelings and sex with someone with an addiction to perfecting their body? That sounds like my dream scenario."
"Vex."
"But, yes, I can see why, for you, that could be a problem."
"Thank you."
"She's really not doing well this time, is she?"
Lauren sighed. "Everyone keeps saying that. 'This time' or 'this one.' But I don't have any history with her like this, not really. I mean, I saw her that time she went to see her mom, but that…by the time we got back here she was Bo again, you know? It wasn't like this. I just…I don't know what to do."
"Would it help if I told you that you're right and beautiful and perfect?"
"Not really," Lauren replied.
"What if I called Bo a right bitch?"
"She's not a bitch," Lauren said absently. "I might be, but she isn't. She's just so shut down. So closed off. She always been so…open, you know?"
Vex barked out a laugh. When Lauren was quiet, he spoke. "Oh, Christ, you were serious?"
Lauren was coming to greatly regret this call. "Vex, c'mon, give me something here!"
"Darling, she's open and mushy and all that nauseating nonsense with you. That isn't Bo's resting state, at least not with us mere non-beautiful, non-perfect mortals."
"I never thought I'd hear you admit that you aren't beautiful or perfect."
"I am commiserating, I assumed humble lying was called for."
"And if it's not her resting state, does that mean that the person I knew is gone? Am I going to get her back? What do I do now? How do I get my wife back?"
"Darling, you're spiraling."
"I'm approachable, right? I have a good bedside manner. People can talk to me about things."
"I feel like you're fishing for compliments…"
"So why is it different now? What is so different about this that she won't talk to me at all?"
"I had tapas for lunch. Delightful."
"God knows I've tried. I've tried yelling, I've tried being gentle, I've tried going to work with her, having sex with her, taking care of her…"
"They used this lime sea salt? It was divine."
"But it doesn't change anything, she still looks like a cornered animal every time I try to come near her."
"I might get another piercing…"
"So, do I let it go? I know it's killing her. How can I just let that go?"
"Or maybe a tattoo. Something tasteful on the ass."
"You aren't that trashy and you know it."
"Oh, I didn't know you were still talking to me," Vex deadpanned.
"Vex," Lauren said, her voice resigned. "What do I do?"
Vex took his own breath. "I don't know, Love. You've reached her more than the rest of us have. You're off our map now, in your own territory. We don't know how to guide you through this."
"Thank you, Sacagawea."
"I don't know what that means."
"She's the woman who led the Lewis and Clark expedition."
"Terribly unattractive names."
Lauren clicked the red button on her phone, hanging up on Vex.
Bo arrived at the Dal several hours later. Lauren eyed her warily, not sure how or if she should approach. Lauren just felt…raw. And fucking tired. She turned back to stocking glasses, lost in thought, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and found Bo standing behind her.
"Hi," Bo said, extending her hand. "I'm Bo Dennis."
Lauren looked at her in confusion. "Um…"
"And you are?" Bo continued, her hand still extended.
A small smile played at the corner of Lauren's lips. "I'm Lauren," she responded, going along with the ruse.
"Wow, Lauren, such a hot name. And just one name, like Cher. Very cool."
Lauren felt a strange unraveling in her chest at Bo's tone. She sounded like…Bo. Her Bo, back from the dead. "Yes, well, my parents were very edgy, as I'm sure you can tell from how unusual the name 'Lauren' is."
"They must have been visionaries. Do you have siblings with exotic names?'
"I do, yes, I have a brother named Michael."
"Michael? Fascinating. Is it Dutch?"
Lauren laughed lightly then. "So, I guess work went okay?"
Bo shrugged, reaching down to help Lauren with the glasses. "I have a lot to catch up on. It'll get done."
Lauren nodded, regarding Bo carefully. "That's very…optimistic for you to say."
Bo glanced at Lauren for a second before grabbing the next glass. "Yeah, well, it's time, right?"
Lauren stiffened slightly and didn't reply, waiting for Bo to continue.
Bo stocked three more glasses. "I mean, I have to move forward. I have to start getting back to normal."
Lauren reached for Bo's wrist. "Bo…"
Bo stocked another glass. "I'm fine, Lauren. This will be a good thing." Her tone was gentle, and God, how Lauren wanted to believe it.
Lauren chewed on her lower lip, thinking about Bo's words. She then gently pulled Bo's wrist and led her to the back office. Once they entered, she shut the door.
"Bo, listen…"
"I'm okay, Lauren, really. I just need to focus on regular life, on us, on all the positives…I'm fine, honestly, I'm moving forward."
"We still need to talk about what happened, Bo, just pretending that it –"
"I don't want to wallow," Bo cut her off. "I told you, I like action, I like moving. Wallowing in the past…I need to focus on the now and the future."
"Bo –"
"Baby, listen to me," Bo said, resting her hands on Lauren's upper arms. "I know, I mean, I understand that therapy can be a really good thing, okay? But, it just…that isn't me. I have so many good things in my life, I have Kenzi and Dyson, and Zeus, and above all I have you. And that's all I want, honestly. I just…I want…I can do this, I swear I can. I'm just…I think…I feel good for the first time in a while. I don't know, maybe it's just a moment and maybe I'm still going to struggle, but…if I can feel this way right now, then I can keep feeling this way. I can capitalize on this. I can do this, I swear I can."
Lauren was quiet, trying to find the words to explain how colossal this mistake seemed, when Bo leaned forward and kissed her quickly before walking out of the room.
"Hey, Kenzilina," she said to Kenzi as she walked past her, headed towards the kitchen.
"Um, hi?" Kenzi replied, uncertainly.
Kenzi then looked at Lauren, who shrugged. "I think we're headed into a manic phase."
Kenzi sighed. "Fan-fucking-tastic."
Lauren nodded. Fan-fucking-tastic indeed.
Review if something strikes you
