Part 8b, Worth Suffering

After running out on Cordelia, then having long and unproductive arguments with himself as he wandered around town, Xander needed to talk to someone, someone with a better understanding of the female perspective, to help him figure things out. Talking to Buffy was an obvious non-starter. Same for Dawn, out with Buffy this afternoon taking care of estate business. Talking to Giles might have been a possibility given his general experience in life, but...No. Just...no. He eventually found himself near the UCS campus and decided to take advantage of providence.

Tara opened the door on a thoroughly morose Xander, frowning in deep concentration, staring a hole into the floor, shifting from foot to foot.

"Xander?"

He jumped at the sound of her voice, and smiled nervously. "Hey Tara. Hi! Is, uh, is Willow around?" he asked, standing on his toes trying to peer over her shoulder.

Tara crossed her arms and leaned against the door frame. "She's in class." She shrugged. "I think maybe it's still too soon after everything, but she thought a sense of the normal might be helpful." It looked like he was about to turn on his heel when she hurriedly invited him in. "I think she'll be back soon. You can wait here, if you want?" She stood back in invitation without actually saying anything. She'd learned that much caution no matter who showed up at the door, even if it was early afternoon.

"Um, yeah, OK. Thanks." Ordinarily the thought of entering the boudoir of a sexy lesbian couple would cause his mental fantasy projector clicking at a high frame-rate. But when that couple was his life-long buddy Willow and his new friend Tara, and the—well, everything else—it just didn't click. They were friends, confidants, people he could talk to, pal around with. The sexuality never became an issue (except for the occasional bad joke or pun at the perfectly wrong moment, which was just Xander being Xander).

He crossed the room and plopped down on a chair by the window. Tara had frequently been over to his and Cordelia's place for Saturday morning cartoons and brunch, and of course the movie marathons with the whole group, but she was not used to having a male alone with her in her own room. With Xander, however, it just felt kind of normal. "Can I get you anything? Something to drink?" She gestured towards the room's mini-fridge.

Xander shifted his gaze from looking out the window to Tara. "Ah, no. I'll just keep quiet over here." He waved at her desk. "You keep doing whatever learn-y thing you're doing."

She shrugged and busied herself, returning to her studies. Joyce's passing had been upsetting, but Tara hadn't known her nearly as well as Willow or Xander and was more upset on Willow's behalf than in mourning of her own.

Though he tried not to fidget, Xander was nevertheless impatient. This issue with Cordelia would have been a worrisome deal no matter when, but the timing and circumstances—while grieving right after Joyce's funeral—added magnitudes of worse upon worse. After fidgeting a bit more, and considering the triangle of people involved, he began to think perhaps broaching it first with Willow was not the best idea after all. He thought to make his excuses and leave but when he turned to Tara to say goodbye another thought occurred.

"Hey, uh, Tara?"

She looked up. "Yes?"

"Can I ask you something? I mean, even with Will not here?"

Tara put down her pencil and sat back. She was secretly very pleased Xander felt comfortable enough to confide in her how he was handling Joyce's death, the turmoil and emotions, and trust her to help. And maybe at the same time as they worked through it, help herself understand how Willow might be feeling and better deal with that. Tara lifted her hand in invitation. "OK. I know losing Mrs. Summers hurt us all, but I have the sense she had a special place for you?"

Xander was taken aback. "Uh, yeah there's that." His eyes were blinking rapidly, sighing as he wiped his hand down his face, tugging on his chin. "That makes this even more twisted," he mumbled. He was able to put those thoughts aside with quick shake of his head.

"There's something else?"

"Yeah. Yeah. So this is kind of a," Xander waggled his hands back and forth, "a boy-girl thing. Which works out cause, hey, you're a girl, right?"

She looked up at the ceiling, thinking for a moment. "Yeah, last time I checked. Just a sec..." She raised her hands to her chest to cup her breasts, then down to stroke between her legs. "A-yep: Still girl," she said cheerfully, nodding her head in confirmation.

Whoah, that was an unexpected cross-over from 'just friends'-land into fantasy-land! The sudden lewdness from the usually demure and chaste-like Tara left him a bit glassy-eyed.

"Xander?" Tara waved a hand in front of his face, causing him to jump.

"Ah, sorry, what was I?" He shook his head sharply. "I mean, where were we?"

Tara smiled playfully at Xander. She had no interest whatsoever in Xander in anything other than a good-friends capacity. That didn't mean it wasn't fun to wind him up and give him a dose of his own medicine from time to time.

"A boy-girl thing?"

"Right. Right!" Xander frowned. "Um, can you please not do that again?"

"Sorry." She obviously wasn't, but she nodded for him to continue. "You were saying?"

"Yeah, right." He shifted forward in his seat to face her more directly. "So it's like this. See, this friend—a guy friend, umm, from work—knows this girl. And he had a question about, y'know, about relationships but wanted a different perspective. A female perspective."

"Uh-huh," Tara nodded along, "and he came to you first, is that it?" she asked skeptically, causing him to blush. She chuckled at Xander's clear embarrassment. "Xander, I can see through your clever and tactful use of deceptive strategy #8 to, shall we say, 'protect the guilty'. It'll be OK if we stop pretending it's not you."

He was relieved and glad to drop the pretense. "Good, I was probably going to fluff it anyways. Well anyway, that like gives you double-plus good understanding of how girls think. I mean when it comes to a-a, ah, a..."

"Yes?"

"A relationship where we both like a girl."

Tara frowned. "You mean where we like the same girl?" Waitaminute, was Xander after Willow? Again?

"What?!" Xander's voice cracked. "No! No, nothing like that! Different girl! Different. You like Willow-girl. And I, uh, it's Someone-else-not-Willow-but-is-also-a-girl girl. And you'll have some insight I'm lacking on how girls work. And think." He looked away, blushing again. "Especially when things get more, ah, 'involved'?"

Tara relaxed now she understood Xander wasn't after Willow after all. But... "I don't know, Xander, I don't think it's quite the same. I mean about the kinds of girls we like."

"Yeah. Well I thought maybe if I could talk to someone..." He waved his hand, unsure how to continue, overcome by a sudden shiver of deja-vu. Aspects of this conversation were too much like one Willow had had with him, only with him on the other side of giving and receiving of advice. He could only hope the outcome would be better.

"Can I take wild guess?"

Xander looked left then right, pursing his lips in thought. "Um, yeah, I guess so, yeah," he said, ducking his head.

"This other girl, this 'Someone-else-not-Willow-but-also-a-girl'?" Tara paused to make sure she had Xander's attention. "It wouldn't happen to be Cordelia, would it?"

Xander jumped out of his chair. "Hey, how'd you know?!"

"I'm kinda smart." Tara smiled. "And you're kinda smitten."

"I'm smitten?" Xander hung his head and collapsed back into the chair with a thump. "Is it that obvious?"

"Pretty damn." She nodded. "More 'involved' you said? With Cordelia? And that's a problem?"

"It could be. Did Willow ever give you the backstory?"

"How you and Cordelia broke up before? I got the gist of it."

"Right." He was glad he wouldn't have re-hash that episode, and could just barrel forward with current events. "Y'see, things have changed a lot since then. I think it's been working out great with her and I thought we were in a really good place as-as friends—"

Tara interrupted him. "You 'were' friends? Past-tense?"

"Yeah," he said impatiently. "Something happened last night. And maybe got a little out of hand. Then a whole lot out of hand. So very, very 'involved'." Xander shook his head back and forth slowly in dismayed wonder. "And it's not something you can take back or apologize for or un-do, not ever, and everything could be totally messed up—which would be bad!—and, whoaboy, I did not react real well this morning, and-and—" Xander was now waving his arms about like wild windmills.

Tara held up both hands to stop Xander's version of Willow-babble. "Xander, how long were you with Cordelia that first time?"

He slumped back and sighed. "About a year, give or take." He knew the answer to the minute but didn't think that much information was needed.

"A year? And in all that time, you two never—"

"You mean..." He bumped his fists together twice.

"Yes," Tara shook her head and rolled her eyes impatiently. "Sex. Fornicate." She started to rattle off various other euphemisms, some of which even Xander hadn't heard of. "Shag. Have carnal knowledge of. The Devil's Dance. Pelvic pinochle. Bedroom rodeo. Go patrolling. Dancing in the sheets—"

"Tara! Jesus!" Xander could feel his face turn flaming red all the way up past the hairline and found it impossible to look Tara in the eye, or actually anywhere near her.

"I'm a lesbian, Xander, not a prude," she scolded him.

Gulp. "Uh, yeah." He squirmed uncomfortably in the chair, crossing then un-crossing his legs. This lewder, more outgoing side of Tara was a bit of a shocker. "Yeah. Just give me a moment to, umm...re-orient."

Tara waited a few moments, smiling innocently. "Better?"

He nodded. "It wasn't the lack of wanting, exactly. I mean, y'know: male teenager here, right?" He waved at himself and Tara nodded her understanding. "And sometimes things did get kinda hot and heavy, but, umm...ah...no. No, we never went that far. And then, well, you know the ending." he finished quietly.

Xander still wasn't sure how to describe his thoughts and feelings regarding sex with Cordelia during their relationship. He tried to remember exactly why he hadn't been in a rush, especially given his overt obsession with the topic. Why neither of them seemed to be in a rush. There was certainly plenty of heavy petting—especially in the closets, which seemed to really turn her on—but 'going all the way'? As he recalled, it was like there had been a kind of mutual but unstated agreement they should, and would, wait as their relationship evolved.

"Why? I mean, you said it: male teenager, right? And I don't get the sense she was inhibited or anything?" Tara paused but Xander, still deep in thought, didn't fill in the silence so she continued. "Maybe she wasn't 'just some girl'? She was someone special and you wanted everything to be just right, taking it slow, waiting for the perfect moment? And then an unexpected 'Fluke'?"

"Something like that, maybe," he admitted, half a question as much statement.

"Is it fair to say you were..."

Xander looked up quizzically.

"...falling for her, perhaps?" She shrugged. "Just askin'?"

Xander sat back and really concentrated, nodding slowly. Perhaps that was it. Every time he saw her, his heart raced, tripping over itself. Whenever they touched he'd felt the warmth of her spread like a fire over his skin. If she smiled at him it was an effort not to fall over from knees suddenly gone weak. He knew sex with Cordelia could not be casual. It would have to be more than just hormones and 'fucking'. Rather it would have to be an expression and confirmation of the depth of their feelings for each other. Despite her raw physical attraction, the more time he spent with her, getting to really know her, the more certain he didn't want it any other way.

The intimacies of sex must wait in order to acknowledge that they were inextricably bound together, that they could freely admit to themselves and to each other they were in love (or as close as teenagers could be). He knew now—too late—she had indeed fallen for him, she had been ready. It had been his own doubts and insecurities, his confusion, that prevented him from seeing that in her and in himself, letting himself be distracted by Willow's own blossoming allure. Nevertheless, he thought, perhaps given just a little more time—and no dalliance with Willow—he would have been able to understand where they were together and joyfully been able to take that next step with Cordelia, to truly make love with her.

So what did that say about last night's events? Or the other way round, what did his current feelings toward her say about last night? Was it love? Was it merely an accidental frolic? He shook his head in angry, befuddled frustration.

"And now—after a messy break up, a lot of time off and some growing up—you are friends again. Good friends, you say. And adults of the consenting type. You've been living in close quarters for awhile now; you two finally got 'involved'. Looking back at it, it does seem kind of inevitable, doesn't it? So what exactly is the problem?"

Xander gave a doubtful snort. "Well, so far you've only heard my side of it. Maybe she doesn't feel the same way I do?"

Tara's eyes squinted suspiciously. "You didn't rape her, did you?!" She didn't believe Xander was capable of such a thing, but he was a man and—

Xander jumped up as if kicked by a mule. "No! How could you think that?" He glared at Tara, looking ready to walk out that instant.

"Sorry, no!" She waved him back. "It's just well...well, I just needed to be sure." Tara ducked her head in contrite apology. Satisfied, he sat back down. "Hmm. So in the middle of all this 'involved'ness, she didn't go 'Yikes! This is a bad idea'?"

He wasn't exactly sure who initiated what and when, but he did vividly recall she was giving back to him as good as she got. Neither were reluctant nor holding back. Xander made a scrunchy face and shook his head. "No."

"OK, so you woke up in the morning, all happy, but she looked over and went 'Yikes!'?"

"Worse than that," he mumbled into hands that now covered his face.

"Maybe you'd better explain."

She listened to Xander's quick overview: returning home after the funeral, the wine, the more wine, a dream that seemed so, so real. And before there was any chance to talk and figure everything out this morning, the confrontation with Angel confirming it was no fantasy or dream but in fact very real, ending with his quick escape when he finally grasped the truth of the matter.

Xander groaned and slumped miserably, head in his hands. "Good lord, she must hate me."

"I get there was a lot awkwardness and all, but why would she think that?"

"Angel figuring it out first—before I realized—and there are not enough words to explain how bad that was! She looked pretty upset, and-and...and I just ran out. Literally. I've lost her." Face covered by his hands, he rocked back and forth in misery. "What can I possibly say when I see her again?" He looked up in alarm, eyes wide. "Christ, if I see her again! She's probably cleared out and half-way to LA? Maybe I shouldn't even go back?" The mere thought he might return to an empty apartment was already making him nauseous.

Tara realized something her subconscious had been working on while listening to Xander. "Can you rewind just a bit? You said Cordelia was talking to Angel?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, slumped back in the chair again staring out the window at nothing.

"He was outside the door, in the hallway?"

He shook his head, still trying to ease the twisting knotted tension in his gut. "No. They were having coffee together."

"In your apartment? In the kitchen or something? Cordelia let him in?"

"Yeah. At the table." Xander shrugged impatiently. "So?"

"Could I or Willow have invited him in?"

Xander sat up and looked up at the ceiling, thinking. "Hmm, I'm not sure. 'The Rules' on that get kinda fuzzy sometimes. But I think... no. No, it's not your home."

"And therefore?" Tara prompted.

"Bu—" The word was barely out when he realized the full import of Cordelia's successful invitation to Angel. Somehow, even though her name was not on a lease or any other paperwork, and her stay was supposedly 'temporary', she was able to invite a vampire in just as if it were her own home.

Actually, nothing 'as if' about it!

Tara echoed his unspoken internal awareness. "Whether she realizes it or not at a conscious level, she thinks of it as home. Your home. Your home together." She smiled. "Perhaps that adds an interesting perspective on where's she at?" Tara gave him a warning look. "But really, it would be better if you were talking to her right now, not me."

"Wow. I think maybe I better get back."

"One of your better ideas today."

He paused uncertainly, halfway out of this seat. "If she's still there?"

"I think she will be," Tara said with some confidence. "But the sooner you get back and have it out the better."

Xander stood and held open his arms as Tara stood too and he gave her a big warm hug. "Thanks, Tara, you're the best!"

"Anything for a friend."

He started to head out the door then stopped, turning to face Tara. "Ah, Tara, when Willow gets back—"

Tara nodded her understanding. "I'll let her know you stopped by to see how she was doing. I won't mention Cordelia."

Relieved, Xander waved goodbye as Tara returned to her studies, feeling pleased with herself.

–––

Xander quietly entered the apartment, the door barely snicking shut as he slowly closed it. He looked around warily, not seeing Cordelia at first. Stepping further in he noticed her at the kitchen table, her back to him, putting down whatever she had been reading. He looked more carefully around the apartment, craning his neck.

"He's not here, in case you're wondering," she said archly. "He left as soon as the sun went down, so stop looking." Cordelia turned around to face him. "It's just us."

Xander continued over to the table, opposite Cordelia, but remained standing, fingertips tapping a nervous beat on the table. She stopped looking up at him and assumed an almost bored, neutral expression, which greatly worried Xander. Didn't she care? he thought. After several endless seconds passed with no word from her he opened up. "We got some talking to do."

She barely flicked a glanced at him before staring at the table surface before her, seeing his blurred reflection in the polished wood. "Do we? After the way you took off—" Cordelia choked on the ending, finally showing some emotion.

He winced. "That was wrong, I should have stayed and dealt. I can only say I'm sorry."

Her brief smile was cold. "You're getting good at that."

"I guess I gotta be good at something." His own smile was fleeting as well. More seriously he continued, "But I'm back. Here and now. And I'm not running anywhere any more. This is important."

She finally looked up at him. "Is it?" Cordelia's expression was unreadable but her voice was too casually light. She agreed this was important. What she needed to know was if Xander understood exactly how important, if he took this as seriously as herself, did he really understand what it could mean?

"Damn it, Cordy," he hissed, "we, we—" he leaned over the table toward her and whispered, "—we made love!"

Her eyebrows went up a fraction. "Of which I'm aware! I was there as a matter of fact. Which you barely remember." She practically spat out the accusation.

"I remember fine. It just spun me for the a loop, a-and..." He pulled a chair out, sat and waited to see if she would interrupt. When she didn't he continued. "Well? Doesn't it mean anything to you?"

He watched her intently as she re-organized her thoughts in the light of Xander's admission.

"Of course it does," she began slowly. "What I'm trying to figure is, what it means for us, not just me." She took a deep breath to help calm herself, looking down at her hands flat on the table while she continued more quietly. "Look Xander, we're best friends now. You can't imagine how good that's been for me. I don't want to lose that—"

"Good, neither do I." It was a small comfort to him that she seemed to have been having some of the same kinds of internal dialog as he this day.

"—and maybe it was just once-only 'grief-sex'." She shook her head in amazed dismayed wonder. "Incredible, and incredibly inappropriate and badly timed. Yet..." she stopped but wouldn't look him in the eye.

"Hmm?"

"And yet," she spoke carefully, "I'm really not sorry about it."

He sat back, somewhat relieved. "I'm not either."

"But—"

"But?" There's a 'but' in all this? he wondered, his stomach suddenly flipping over. That one word could lead to so many different kinds of badness.

She sat up straighter, squared her shoulders and looked at him intently. "But Xander, let's get something straight: I will not do 'friends with benefits'. Roommates either. That's not me." She paused, shaking her head. "Yet staying here after what we did, maybe it would be better if..." She took another deep breath, reaching a decision.

Xander blinked. Angel has gotten off the crazy juice. She's been talking to the others back in LA and now she's leaving. His insides stopped flip-flopping and he now just felt hollowed out. It was not an improvement. It always amazed him how so few words from this woman could turn him completely inside-out.

She restarted, either ignoring or not noticing his distress. "As crazy it sounds, Xander, after everything we've been through—or maybe because of, I don't know—you are my very best, closest friend," she explained, almost pleading for him to understand how much that truly meant. She looked down at her hands now clasped tightly together to avoid meeting his eyes. "W-w-we did it. And there's no taking it back." She actually blushed and looked away. "And I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I think it'd be best if we," Cordelia closed her eyes, "if we..."

Oh boy, here it comes, Xander thought, closing his own eyes, pushing himself against the chair to brace himself for the worst. He would accept whatever Cordelia wanted because he knew with a certainty he wanted her in his life. If only as a long-distance friend, so be it. But after a re-introduction of their new, more mature selves to each other, and their shared experiences of the last few months, he had begun to hope there was a real possibility for a deeper and more lasting friendship. Now, despite his earlier confidence after talking with Tara, he really had had no inkling how Cordelia felt. Apparently this new "fluke" was too much for her and she wanted back to the big city, away from him as fast as possible, never to be heard from again.

Oh boy, Cordelia thought, taking a deep breath. Last night wasn't anything so crude as just sex, not to her. Nor did she believe it was merely comfort in a time of grief. Of both she was certain. It had meant more. But what exactly? For her, or the both of them? As wonderful as her new-found friendship with Xander had been so far, she was startled to realize she really did hope for more with him, that despite qualms and natural fears it was worth discovering what they could be together.

Because he had said "made love", rather than "boink" (or any of a thousand other boorish euphemisms she might have expected of him), was that enough to show he was in the same place and looking for the same thing as her? Her heart suddenly pounding, unable to fully suppress doubts, she had to swallow hard before giving voice to those wants.

"...if we're a couple. Again."

She cringed. Oh God, had she just made the biggest mistake of her life? Wasn't this the definition of insanity, doing the same thing twice but expecting a different result? Or had they both changed enough it really wasn't the same thing, and there was a chance? Cordelia fiercely hoped for the latter. She shook off her doubts, gathered her courage and looked him squarely in the eye, challenging him to see how he responded.

"—"

Xander was stunned speechless, wide-eyed, mouth hanging open. Such a bad look, he knew, but he couldn't help himself.

"Well?" she demanded impatiently, suddenly anxious, frightened, already regretting her decision, biting her lip.

"Bu-wuh-huh?" Of all the myriad possibilities he could have imagined here, this was from so far out of left field it came from Venus. Or wherever it was women were supposed to be from.

Cordelia's fear rapidly morphed to anger. "Oh, for crying out loud, talk to me, Xander! Or so help me, I'm out that door in five seconds flat!"

Dazed, blinking rapidly, he looked at her pointing toward the door, then looked at the door. A door through which he might be seeing Cordelia's departing backside any moment now for the very last time. He knew he had better say something, say it now, and say it right.

"Y-you could do that?" He groaned inwardly at his pathetic first attempt, but now that he'd at least answered, Cordelia seemed satisfied for the moment, her anger and fear subsiding.

She hesitated then reaffirmed, nodding her head decisively. "Yes."

"Oh wow, yes!" He stood and came around the table to her. She stood as well to meet him and he gently grasped her shoulders to reassure himself she was really still there. "Yes, I want you, I want to be with you!" Then he frowned with deep worry. "But...I mean...are you sure?"

Cordelia looked down, her uncertain expression matching Xander's. How could she possibly want to be with him again? The reservations were inevitable and numerous given their history.

"Absolutely sure? No. We'd have to work on that. Still a 'work in progress' right?" She gave a flicker of a smile at their own recent description for themselves. She tried looking him directly in the eye but couldn't, couldn't hide the total sense of vulnerability starting to overcome her, needing to sit down again, yet somehow taking enough strength from the earnest heartfelt desire in his eyes and the warmth and strength of his grip on her. "Xander, I'm putting everything on the line here."

He nodded. In paradoxical reaction to her uncertainty, he was filled with a sense of quiet, confidant certainty. He nodded again, more firmly. Gently, Xander gathered both her hands in his and waited for her to look at him. He brushed a stray tuft of hair back off her face, thumb briefly caressing her cheek. "Cordy, there have been very few things in my life I am absolutely certain of: Twinkies are manna from Heaven." She couldn't prevent chuckling. "Vampires suck." He let go her hands to hold her by the waist and drew them closer together, almost nose to nose, her palms now flat against his chest. His voice dropped almost to a whisper. "And the one I am most absolutely certain of, above all others, is you." Her eyes closed and she felt the lightest brush of warmth of his lips on hers. "I do not want to lose you again, ever. Not as a friend...or, or in any way. Yes, I want more with you, Cordy. I wish to be yours."

She settled back in his embrace, still feeling the kiss on her lips, wanting this moment to last.

But he didn't stop.

"Before, when you asked me why I kissed Willow, you let me skate by without a real answer. I think I have one." He paused to make sure she was paying attention, make sure he said this right. "I'd never been as close to anyone as I was with you, not even Willow. I don't know if you can imagine how confusing that was, that I could feel that way about someone, especially you. And how unbelievably scary it was they way you seemed to feel about me." He was still amazed by the memories and his lips quirked into a smile.

She angrily twisted out of his arms, hands on her hips to his look of surprise. "Don't you think I was scared too?! Me, Queen C, in love with the King of Cretins?" She rolled her eyes at the remembered confusion. "But I was honest enough to admit it to myself."

Xander stood his ground. "Well I'm not scared and I'm not confused anymore," he countered softly. "I'm being honest now, too. I know how I feel about you, being with you. I want all of that. I hope you do too."

Her eyes suddenly brimming with tears she hit him on the chest. "Damn-it, Xander, I hate how you do this to me!"

He waited a moment before moving to gently gather her back in. She let him. "I want to be with you, Cordy. I want you holding me and letting me hold you. I want all the craziness and fire you bring. Let me help you through bad times, and you help me. When times are good lets share them together. I need to hear every clever and insulting moniker you can come up with for me to put me in my place. I want all of it, Cordy, for as long as forever if you'll have me."

She returned his embrace. "Do you? Do you really? With me?" She looked up when she felt his answering nod. "You do know forever is a pretty long time?"

"Yeah." He shrugged. "Not long enough, but it'll have to do."

Though slow at first, her emerging smile gradually grew bigger and brighter. Sighing with contentment, her mind at ease, she just wanted to enjoy this moment, entwined together, with Xander. Then something occurred to her and she actually giggled a moment before she could stifle it.

"What?"

"Next time we see him I'll have to tell Graham he was right after all."

"Graham?" wondered Xander. "Riley's friend Graham?"

"Hmm hmm. He said I was your girl." She looked into his eyes searchingly. "I guess I am." He own lop-sided smile was broad as he returned her gaze.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

–––

As everyone continued to deal with Joyce's death in their own way, each only now beginning to appreciate how truly important she had been in their lives as nominative matriarch, life on the Hellmouth blithely continued on. Glory was still the same overwhelming merciless threat as before and that still had to be dealt with in addition to dealing with the few vampires and other demons remaining in town.

Prior to Joyce's passing, Willow and Tara, in addition to a "Sunshine" spell, had had some ideas on forms of defense from Glory since no one had any idea how to employ the Dagon Sphere. Even before Joyce's death Buffy had been strongly encouraging them to continue along those lines.

Tonight they achieved a minor breakthrough. They were able to devise a spell which would create a field whose energy reacted in the presence of extreme mystical power, causing air within its boundaries to vibrate at an audible frequency. To the human ear it would sound like a chime, the closer and more powerful the source the louder the chime. They made plans for testing, but verifying on Glory would be problematic, a true test under fire. Nevertheless they were pleased with the night's work and decided to settle down and relax in each others' arms for the remainder of the evening.

–––

Returning after dinner, though they had crossed the threshold of their apartment hundreds of times together in the preceding months, this first time as a couple felt very different. It felt like coming home.

Dinner had been a much needed time-out. For a short while they were able to ignore the overwhelming terror of Glory, set aside the lingering grief over Joyce, and just be a young couple out on a date. Now, standing together in the quiet entrance he could sense she was feeling it too and reached to hold her hand.

"Hmm-mm." He pulled them even closer and she stepped into his embrace. It was both incredibly wonderful and yet incredibly strange as well. He felt her grasping him, shivering and he tightened his hug, but they didn't kiss. How long they remained like that he couldn't guess. Surrounded by her warmth, the light berry scent of her shampoo, the strength of her arms around him, it was the best sensation he had ever felt and he never wanted to let go.

After some time she playfully squirmed. "Eventually we're going to need some sleep," she mumbled against his chest.

He cleared his mouth from a stray curl of her hair. "You can't sleep dressed, standing in 3-inch heels, being hugged by a royal cretin, all night long? Huh, who'da figured?"

She laughed and swatted his shoulder. They let go, still holding hands, he with a bewildered, almost disbelieving smile, she with a glassy-eyed look like her head was still swooning.

"The funny thing is," he said, "we've known each other practically our whole lives, everywhere between hating each other and dating each other. Enemies, roommates, best friends. Now," he shook their arms gently, "this. And I can't believe how awkward I'm feeling."

She returned a small smile. "I know, I feel it too. It'll be strange but we'll take it one step at time." She took a deep breath. "And I think the first step is in that direction." She inclined her head in the direction she meant.

"Mine?" he asked, genuinely surprised. "You'll stay with me tonight?"

Cordelia sighed, shoulders rising and falling in mild exasperation. Now that she was committed she was all in. "We're together now, Xander. We've already 'sinned'. So..." she explained, this time hesitating more, but then nodded firmly and waved at the door to his room, "yes."

"You're sure?"

She nodded sharply again. "But no sex tonight. Not yet."

"Err, ah... ooo-kay."

She looked at him sideways and grinned. "Don't you worry. It's just for tonight."

He grinned back sheepishly. "Well, not being seventeen anymore, I am actually able to think about a few things other than sex."

"Really?!" she asked in mock disbelief. "Linoleum doesn't get you all hot and bothered still?" she chuckled.

"No," he laughed in return. "But on the other hand, an oak hardwood floor..."

After entering his room they stood together at the foot of his bed—their bed now, she thought—hand in hand, and the awkwardness returned, amplified a hundred-fold. They both silently stared at the bed, neither willing to make the next move.

Xander cleared his throat. "Err...lefty or righty?"

"Huh?"

"Do you prefer the left side of the bed?" Xander pointed. "Or the right?"

Though far from virginal, Cordelia had never actually spent many nights over with men. After the disastrous one-night stand with the demon spawner, none at all. She really didn't know what worked best for her.

Her brows crinkled in uncertainty. "I, uh, I dunno. Which do you want?"

"Well, if it's OK with you, I'll take the left. It's next to the alarm clock and I won't have to crawl over you or wake you up or anything early in the morning.'

"Sounds good."

After changing out of their clothes (rather chastely, each using the bathroom in turn), he down to shorts and a T-shirt, she into a long pullover sleeper fetched from her room, they sat down on either side, turned off the lights, then fussed a bit as each stretched out, pulling the covers over themselves.

Xander eyes were closed, but his mind churned like a tornado. 'I am in bed next to my girlfriend Cordelia Chase!' he kept thinking, over and over again, round and round. After a long time trying to lie still, he was more awake than ever. Her warm presence beside him in the dark, the seductive curves of her profile outlined by the streetlight filtering in, the sound of her soft even breathing, with the knowledge she would be there in the morning and then again tomorrow night (and the next, and the next!), conspired to make sleep impossible.

Something occurred to him while his mind was spinning those thoughts around, something not mentioned yet. He rolled to his side, facing her, arm supporting his head as he looked down on her shadowed curves, her back to him.

"Cordy? You asleep?"

"You're not getting any, Xander," she mumbled into the pillow.

"No, I know that." (A small part of him, deep down, was just a teensy bit disappointed, but he easily suppressed it.)

"Then yes, the sheep are counted, sheered, and back frolicking out in the grassy fields. And I'm very deeply asleep. Deeply." She sounded both as exhausted and yet also as keyed up and awake as he.

"I'm serious. There's something we need to talk about." Xander gently shook her shoulder. "I mean, it is about the sex, but not the having of. It's about the afterwards."

She twisted around onto her back, sheet drawn up all the way under her chin, and gave him her full attention. "What?" she asked irritably.

"What if you're pregnant?" Cordelia didn't answer right away. "I'm all good with couple-y us. But I don't know if I'm ready f-for parent-y us." In addition to the abrupt newness of the situation, certainly neither had had the best role models for parents, nor was being in the middle of the current crisis conducive to parenthood. "At least not yet."

Cordelia sighed deeply. He wasn't sure but he thought it was as much sob as sigh, he couldn't really tell in the darkened room. He flipped on the light by his side of the bed so he could see her better. Xander continued quickly. "I-I don't think you're on the pill?" After being with Anya for so long, and girls in general, and months now with Cordelia in very close quarters, he thought he might just be aware enough to know. "And I don't remember using any protection, a-and—"

"There's nothing to worry about," she blurted sharply, clearly upset.

"Then you are on the pill?" He was relieved, but also confused by her obvious anguish.

She forcefully shook her head once, eyes tightly closed.

"Something else?"

"No."

"No? But if I got you pregnant—" He looked panicked. The last thing he needed to worry about was getting Cordelia knocked-up.

"I said there's nothing to worry about!" she spat out.

"You're sure?" he asked dubiously, confused by her anger.

She forced herself to calm down and sighed deeply. Well, she thought, if she was going to be committed—and she had said they were—that meant sharing some things she might not have otherwise. "I am certain because..." she took a deep shuddering breath, "Because I can't get pregnant. It's impossible." She quickly rolled away, her back again to him, taut neck muscles standing out, body shivering.

"Cordy!?" He snuggled closer and held her gently, lightly brushing his hand back along her hair. She gradually relaxed, by small degrees, under his gentle comfort and concern.

He didn't press her on the matter, but after a minute or two her explanation came out haltingly. "It was a while ago. This guy—there was th-this guy," who was everything she once believed she wanted in a man: wealthy, well-known, charming and witty, handsome and sexy as all get-out. And who turned out to be the worst kind of bastard she'd ever met, enthralling her, raping and impregnating her with the spawn of a demon. She told the whole sordid story, Xander getting sicker and angrier as she continued.

He lay silently for a few seconds when she finished, thoughts darkly contemplating. He sat up suddenly. "Where is he?!" Xander swung his legs off the bed, looking back at her over his shoulder. "I'm going to track him down and-and—" He looked around for the weapons chest where he had a couple of razor-sharp Bowie knives, some double-edged axes and a tomahawk. Although he was generally squicked and repulsed by the idea of anyone of his gender being castrated for any reason, he now just discovered it seemed a perfectly rational, reasonable and measured response for some situations.

"Stop, Xander, stop!" Cordelia broke into his ranting and pulled on his shoulders. He fell back against the pillow, breathing hard. "Angel already took care of it." Nonetheless she appreciated the sentiment behind the gesture.

His face twisted in a confusion of emotions. "Darn!" At Cordelia's sharp look he explained. "It means I owe him one." He shook his head ruefully.

"Hmmph," snorted Cordelia. "Well, it damaged me. My uterus." She turned away from him, covered her eyes and softly cried, "I'm damaged goods, Xander. I-I-I can't have children. I can never have a family!" Her sniffling rapidly became outright sobbing as she clutched at him.

His thoughts ground to a numbed halt at the sight of her in such despair. He had no idea what to say or do that could help. He just held her closely, murmuring soft encouragement as she shook in his arms. Gradually her shaking subsided and they both eventually drifted off to a fitful sleep.

–––

"He's getting to be soooo impossible!" whined Glory as she sprawled back on the sofa in her suite's sitting room. "I'm losing him, I'm losing control." She conveniently forgot all the other times over the centuries she had been unable to entirely control Ben's opposition.

"You are speaking of Ben?" softly queried Chrrkan'k, "most Esteemed and Beloved?"

"Who else, you festering lesion." She stabbed Chrrkan'k in his chest with her finger, causing him to double over and gasp for air.

Murk tried to distract her from further attacks on his brother. "Oh Your Most Sublimely Supreme-ness, we have the new knowledge the key is human. Brother Jinx died to provide you this important information that Ben revealed to him."

Glory's attention flicked over to drill into Murk. "Of course he died. He's supposed to die! That's the best thing you schmucks are good for, to honor me by dyin' for me!" When Murk and the others didn't immediately drop to their knees in acknowledgment she growled, "Right? You do want to die for me, right?"

Amid a chorus of assents and genuflections, some of the minions looked sideways at each other. Her comments were not particularly new or noteworthy, but were again a harsh reminder of their place in her world. Some significant few were giving more serious consideration if that was still a world they wished to inhabit.

The mercurial Glory was momentarily pleased by the insincere fawning. But she was not as pleased by the news as they had hoped. "Great, so we know something. Big capital-F Friggin' deal," she snapped, sitting up. "If time runs out and all we've got is knowing more shit, then we're just brown and squishy and smelly. Just like you little rat doodles." She again poked Chrrkan'k in his brown squishy mid-riff to prove her point.

"Oh, surely not!" protested Chrrkan'k in a wheezing gasp.

Suddenly despondent, she threw up her hands. "Nope. I'm screwed!"

"You are a God," declared Murk. "The Sacred Glorificus!"

Glory was having none of the usual toadying. "A God in exile. Trapped in this prison." She yanked at her cheeks, pinched her butt, banged her head on the coffee table, splintering it. "Far from the comforts of home." She growled in frustration. "And worst of all, sharing this body with an enemy that stabs my boys in their fleshy little tummies." She poked Chrrkan'k in the stomach yet again, right over the original injury, causing him to groan and double-over, falling to the floor with a thud, curled tightly around himself. He suspected he had just suffered massive internal damage, soon to join Jinx and do great 'honor' for his Glorificus.

She flopped back again, fuming and mumbling to herself, ignoring Chrrkan'k's writhing and fading gurgles. Murk made a step to help him but Chrrkan'k gestured him away lest he too suffer from one of her outbursts. Now more than ever, Chrrkan'k believed with his last thought, they needed to get her through the portal, out of this dimension, and out of their lives. Even if some of them had to make sacrifices.

"So the Slayer and a human Key are connected, hmm?" She nudged Chrrkan'k's carcass with her toe. Glory suddenly had one of her infrequent but thoughtful insights. "Maybe it's someone in that clump of fungus she calls 'friends and family'?" She issued her orders. "I want you to watch her little shit pile. Find out which of those mushrooms are new and special."

Murk bowed deeply and responded. "We can do that, O', ah ... Thou, Thou Terrifically Titanic."

"I'm trusting you boys to get it for me. If you love me, which I know you do—" Murk looked up, "—you'll get it for me. I'll finally have my beautiful Key. All mine mine mine! Yep." She snapped her fingers together in well-earned satisfaction and nodded to herself. "I've been working too hard today, time for a bubble-bath."

The minions gathered together later to make their plans for following each of of the humans surrounding the slayer. They would find out which one was newest in the slayer's life since Glory had destroyed the Brotherhood those several months ago, and then they would finally have the Key. For some of them, the ones in the secret cabal who were thinking of staying, the sooner they had the real Key, and the sooner Glorificus was gone from this reality, the better. It didn't occur to them, even as bright and forward thinking as they usually were, hurting anyone in the Slayer's coterie would hurt their own chances for a peaceful coexistence in this reality.

–––

Xander was confused at first by the soft weight on his arm and the heavy warmth against his chest as he slowly regained consciousness. It was an awakening unlike almost any other he'd had as Anya had tended to thrash around in her sleep and was not at all cuddly in the morning, then demanding morning sex as soon as her eyes opened, whether or not Xander was also awake.

With a start he realized it was Cordelia who was very much a presence in his arms, still closely spooned against him from shoulders to calves. It was giving his body all kinds of happy. He luxuriated in the sensation, moving to hold her more tightly yet, lightly drawing his finger down her cheek. Gliding his hand down her neck he was about to cradle her breasts, but then remembered both her prior warning regarding 'getting any' and the sensitive subject they were last speaking of before finally drifting off. He knew he needed to back off before his hard and insistent presence against her rear woke her up, and he began releasing her as gently as possible.

As he was about to slowly roll away she wriggled back against him, pressing the cleft of her butt around his still stiff penis. The weighty throbbing intensified and he moaned softly.

"Feeling good, are we?" she teased sleepily over her shoulder. She reached behind herself, down and between them to take hold of him.

He responded after taking a moment to get back under some semblance of control. "I-I-I thought you said—?"

"That was last night." She turned over to face him, nose to nose, not losing her grip. "After all, today is another day." She grinned wickedly. "Still interested?" She squeezed.

"Ahhaannghaa!" he replied, getting harder yet.

"Good answer."

She let go of him to slowly pull her sleeper above her hips, then pushed his hand down over the soft fur of her pubic mound, guiding his fingers between her legs. Taking the hint he gently stroked his fingers over her while he also leaned in to kiss her throat and chin as she arched backwards.

She lifted his chin to kiss him on the lips, let his tongue slip between hers and touch her own, tasting each other. Their eyes closed as they continued touching, caressing and kissing each other, very much an easy, natural continuation of their previous times together, hidden in the school's closets.

As the heat and passion built, both started to move against each other more strongly. She nodded to him and rolled back, dragging him on top of her, tugging on his penis to bring him close to her vulva. Despite her evident willingness and desire, he still raised his brow in question once more before he tried entering her. Cordelia answered by releasing her grip and hitching forward, wrapped her legs around his waist and pulling them together, just touching, his glans barely wrapped by her folds. He hissed involuntarily, eyes closing, and he held still for a several seconds, savoring the sensation.

Eyes open again and leaning down, gently cupping her face between his hands, Xander looked into sparkling, hazel eyes, seeing desire, acceptance, need. He descended slowly, letting his weight gently slide his length into her. Cordelia's eyes closed and she gasped as he stopped and pulled back, then pushed in again, a little further, pausing to indulge in the enclosing wet heat of her around him. And again and again, deeper into her each time, continuing until he was fully engulfed. He was fully surrounded by her hot slickness, needing to surrender to her, also wanting her to give herself to him as he held her tightly.

Cordelia brought her arms around Xander's neck and pulled him forward and they kissed again, lightly at first, nibbling on lips, but more passionately as he began to stroke in and out of her. She circled her hips to press her clitoris against him each time before he drew back, sending gentle sparks through and along her skin. Their breathing quickened between kisses as the tempo increased, building up a rhythm of ecstasy.

Xander knew enough never to compare Cordelia to Anya, but his previous lover—a thousand years old and hearing the complaints and wishes of hundreds of women, often regarding sexual frustrations with their husband—had taught him a thing or two. One lesson was to pay close attention to the woman's needs, not just his own desire to simply 'fuck'. He watched her as she responded to where and how he touched, listening her in-drawn gasps or hisses, feeling her body move and react when he touched or nipped her skin.

He caressed her breasts, rolling the nipples between his fingertips, occasionally kissing and lightly flicking his tongue over each as they stiffened with arousal. When he felt himself getting too close he slowed the pace, causing Cordelia to groan softly in frustrated anticipation. She reached up and pulled his head down hard onto her chest and he started a trail of feather-like kisses starting from the nipple, up over her collarbone, continuing along her neck and onto her earlobes. She trembled in pleasure.

Soon a hot tightness in his glans started a spreading heat down his shaft and throughout his body, lacing down to his toes and up to scalp. He could feel his cheeks burning, his fingertips tingling. An insistent, overwhelming need to be entirely consumed by her caused him to begin thrusting as deeply as he could, faster and faster.

She was greedily accepting, heels drumming against his back, drawing him in as her own body moved without conscious control. As he got closer to release, rational conscious thought sloughed away, leaving an overpowering desire to slam into her on every thrust, pausing a moment as he was deepest, wanting to drive further still, demanding to be as flesh made one.

She began to moan at a higher pitch, her breathing fast and shallow, as her whole body seemed to suck him in. A quivering starting deep within her abdomen grew stronger and stronger; she suddenly bit his shoulder as the first wave of ecstasy flowed and rolled within her. From down between her legs, each crash spread further throughout her body, and she cried out with each push. Feeling her shaking under him pushed Xander over the edge, all tingling tension suddenly converging back into his rigid penis, forcing him into her as he released over and over again, gasping with each convulsing eruption.

They both lay breathless, spent and un-moving, still coupled, holding each other tightly for a time. Presently Xander shook his head, kissed Cordelia on her forehead, gently on each eyelid, her nose, and lips, before rising off her, sticky skin peeling apart reluctantly. As they drew apart and fell back on the bed, patches of skin still damp with cooling sweat, he lay on his back and she moved to pillow her head on his shoulder. It tickled a little where her gradually subsiding breath ruffling his chest hairs.

On a whim he reached around with his free arm and ran his nails very lightly down her spine. With a surprised in-drawn breath, she hummed in rapture, arching into him. "Hmmm...That's almost better than the sex," she murmured sleepily, the corners of her mouth turning up slightly. He grinned and continued to scratch, his finger tips lightly following her curves down to the small of her back. When he was done she wriggled in contentment and they both drifted into a light restful doze.

–––

Earlier testing of Willow and Tara's magical field found that Buffy caused it to gently "ring", fading away as the field gradually aligned with Buffy's power. A newly minted vampire, its energy still developing, barely made it chime at all. From that, Giles theorized Glory, with her God-like, literally other-worldly powers, should set off a panoply of sirens, fire-alarms and boat horns, even at quite a distance. While not a shield per se, both Buffy and Giles were pleased because it would provide some early warning Glory was near and therefore a greater chance they could evade and escape.

Exactly where to escape to was a matter needing more work. Even as the merits of the field were being discussed they were still uncomfortable with the state of affairs, running rather than fighting, but couldn't think of anything better. But they knew there had to be a point when the running must end and they retake the initiative.

The gang was at their usual back table in the shop, going over the necessary supplies and logistics needed to set up the field at the shop and each of their residences. While Willow was doing some of the explaining Tara kept sneaking glancing over at Cordelia, sitting next to Xander as usual, to see if there was any difference between them. She caught Xander's eye and shrugged her question. He responded with a very small smile and a barely perceptible nod. Tara smiled and rejoined Willow's exposition.

Soon Xander was bored of the details once he knew when the apartment would be done. He cleared his throat. "This is great, guys, but I've got some errands to run." To Willow and Tara he said, "I'll see you later tonight then, after you do the others?" They agreed on a time when the two witches would come over to apply the spell and he got up leave.

"Hey Xand, what's on the marquee tonight? What crazy theme have you got in store for us this time?"

"Oh. Ah, Buff, I mean—" Disconcerted, Xander looked around at everyone to get their reaction, his brow furrowed in uncertainty. He shrugged. "I just figured movie night was going to be canceled for awhile, you know, cause..." He didn't want to say it, but everyone nodded in understanding. Such social frivolity in the aftermath of Joyce's death seemed...not quite right.

Buffy at first looked crestfallen, but then turned obstinate. "No, I need this! Don't you understand? I'm—Dawn and I will be hurting for a long, long while. The pain and loss? I can set it aside some of the time by patrolling and doing some dusty deeds. But Dawn has nothing. Believe me, Xander, we need the distraction. We need our family. Please?" she pleaded.

Though Xander originally thought it would be too soon for something so trivial, Buffy was clearly adamant he should not cancel, desperately needing to be reminded of what joy and happiness were like, needing some relief from the long dark shadow of her mom's death. She needed to be with her people in non-end-of-the-world contexts. She also knew her sister needed that as much or more than herself.

"OK, Buffy, movies are back on. Showtime will be right after Will and Tara zap our place?" He looked around and everyone nodded their agreement.

Buffy looked up in thought. "Just keep it on the light and silly side."

Xander grinned. "You've got it! One Movie Marathon-achino, three squirts of frothy lightness, double-extra-silly, coming up." Xander turned serious. "You're sure about this, Buffy?"

"Is Glory a suped-up, frizz-headed, fashion-challenged dingbat so full of herself she should be popped like an inter-dimensional zit?"

–––

Tonight was a double-header at Xander and Cordelia's. Not only was it the un-canceled movie night but it also their turn to have the place magicked-up with Willow and Tara's new defensive field.

The original plan, from before Joyce, had 70's disaster films on the playbill, with something big crashing, burning, sinking, falling, breaking, getting swallowed or blown up, or any combination of the above. They were always chock full of idiotic dialog and absurd heroism, providing ample fodder for the usual snide commentary, mocking mimicry, and throwing of popcorn. But given the circumstances and Buffy's expressed needs, Xander had to come up with a new theme, extra light and silly, as little violence as possible (he assumed pratfalls fell within the bounds of "silly"). And no one dying. Dawn's presence further limited his choices: nothing R-rated (Buffy had stomped her foot down despite Dawn's protests).

After much consideration, Xander choose beach movies and mad-cap comedies from the 50's and 60's, hopefully opening up a whole new world of possibilities for derisive catcalls and much merry-making at the on-screen silliness, maybe even some fun dancing when Elvis's was on-screen to sing.

Willow and Tara were due to arrive first in a little while. After Xander and Cordelia made sure throw-pillows were all out and the tables set with drinks and an assortment of snacks, they sat together on the sofa. Cordelia leaned against Xander, holding his hand and playing with his fingers, thinking about themselves and Willow's imminent arrival. "This time it's got to be different," she informed him.

"Different?" He looked down at the top of her head, "What's different how?" He brought his arm around to hold her, enjoying the feeling of having her so close.

She looked up. "We have to tell Willow. When she and Tara get here."

Cordelia was prepared when she saw his alarmed expression. She looked down at her own hands holding his. "I've been thinking about a lot of stuff, about back then. And one of the mistakes I made—and this does not let you off the hook for the rest—but...I shouldn't have kept it secret." She looked up again at Xander's face, verifying she had his undivided attention. "I always talked a good game how everyone needs a solid dose of 'honesty'." She gave a small ironic laugh. "I wasn't always so good at playing by my own rules, sometimes?" She could feel Xander's non-committal shrug. "Maybe it wouldn't have made a difference later on, but I never should have wanted to hide it. That was dishonest. I think I've learned that much." She had been speaking in a musing tone but now her voice became certain. "And if we start off like that again then we'll keep finding reasons to keep it secret, and that's a path right back to—."

"Fluke-ville?" Xander had been following along, immediately understanding Cordelia's train of thought, agreeing with it.

Cordelia tipped her head in acknowledgment. "I was thinking 'Gut-tearing-rip-your-heart-out Pain City', but yeah, same diff." She sat up and poked him in the chest. "And you've got to tell her."

"Me? We've got to be honest, but I have to do the big reveal?" he observed dryly. "An interesting division of labor."

Cordelia folded her arms across her chest and glared at him. "She'd never believe it coming from me. And she's your best friend."

Xander sighed. "To admit, forced I am, a valid point have you," he quipped in his best Yoda-voice, leaning over to grab a tortilla chip off the table for himself, crunching on it while he thought out how to bring up the topic with Willow.

Several minutes later Xander ushered in Willow and Tara when they arrived, right on time. They settled around the kitchen table as Willow and Tara began to unpack various items from their bags to prepare. It wasn't a particularly difficult spell as spells went, but there were a lot of finicky little steps to be performed in just the right order. It would be a few minutes before they could really get going.

Xander cast another look at Cordelia, who gave him an encouraging shooing motion. He sighed in final resignation and turned to Willow. "Hey Will, can we talk for a minute? Maybe go for a walk?"

Willow looked up from her work, a little peevishly. "Ah, Xander, this is a—." Before Willow could protest any further Tara let her know she could handle the initial set-up on her own. She glanced at Xander and give him a quick encouraging wink.

"All right." Willow left her items and let Xander lead her out. Xander wouldn't respond when she pestered him about what he wanted as they continued outdoors. But finally, once outside, she spun around on her heels to face him and stop him from going any further. "OK, what's up, bub?"

Before answering her demand he replied, "Let's head this way." He indicated a path that would take them to a small neighborhood park just down the block. She stood firmly, glaring at him. "Please? I'll start explaining as we go." She reluctantly moved alongside him and they started off at an easy pace.

He began speaking after a few moments. "After what I've got to say, well, you may not like it much—or me—once you hear it."

Willow nudged him with her shoulder, causing him to stumble a step. "C'mon, Xand," she scoffed, "we're best for life, there's nothing you can't share with me." Will seemed almost offended he could think so little of her and their friendship.

Xander looked sideways at her as he considered carefully. "I'll let you take that back in a few minutes, if you want."

They arrived at the park's small swing-set, empty now that it was getting dark, the sky turning deep blue in the east. Willow plopped down into one swing while Xander took the one next to it. Instead of swinging back-and-forth, they both twisted around on the chains to look each other, Xander pivoting around with one heel in the bark chips, Willow with both feet planted.

She stopped smiling and heaved an exasperated sigh. "I'm serious, Xander. We've known each other our whole lives. Long before Buffy, long before we knew the creatures-of-the-night thing was real. We've been through the best of times, we've been through the worst of times." She smiled at her little quip. "But you and I, we always make it through together, better and stronger than before." She reached over to slap him on the knee. He squinted skeptically and she rolled her eyes. "Yes, even when the in-betweens get messy." To Xander's raised eyebrow, she added, "And I'll claim half of the getting it messy." She took his hand and shook it. "So fess up, buster. See this?" She pointed to her 'resolve face', her eyes bugged out a bit, making Xander laugh. "So you have to talk. Or else."

"Alrighty." He launched right into it. "Something happened between me and Cordy. We're not roommates anymore—"

Willow's expression quickly twisted with anger. "What did she do?" she growled, smacking her left fist into her right palm and leaned forward to get out of the seat. "She promised! I'll kill her if she's hurt you. I'm gonna—"

"No! Wait, stop!" Xander reached up and caught her arm before she could go anywhere or pummel her palm one more time, and gently pushed her back down. "No, it's not like that."

Willow relaxed a bit. "Then what? Is she bailing out now, heading back to LA?" Not as furious as a moment ago, Willow was now just very disappointed. While she and Cordelia would never be best of friends, she thought they had reached an understanding and were at least good friends of a sort. She had just hoped for more from this "new" Cordelia.

"No, not that either."

Willow fully settled back on to seat of the swing. "Well, what, then?" she demanded impatiently.

This time Xander stood up and started to pace in front of her, the bark chips making crunchy sounds beneath his boots. She twisted in the swing to keep him in front of her.

"You're doing that pacing thing, this must be more serious than I thought." Now she started to really worry. What could it possibly be between those two?

Xander stopped. "The reason we're not roommates is... Is because we're together. As in 'Together' together. Again."

"Together?" she mumbled the question, shaking her head in confusion. "What does that mean?"

"A couple. Boyfriend-girlfriend." He clasped his hands tightly to help indicate what he meant." Y'know, with the kissing and hugging and, uh..." he looked away from Willow, "stuff."

"Stuff?" she asked quietly.

He nodded.

Now it was Willow's turn to look away. Xander waited several moments for her to say something. "Talk to me, Will." Xander looked down at her, worried. "You've stopped breathing. Are you OK?"

"H-H-How?" Willow stalled for time to help sort out how she felt.

Xander gave an uncertain shrug, like he could still hardly believe it himself, but his tone was sure and confident. "We've been roommates for a long time. A-and seeing a lot of each other. Obviously. The good and the bad. The ugly too. It's different, we're different somehow." He shrugged again. "I'd like to think for the better, that we're both better people. Better enough she's willing to give me another chance. Better enough I can be what she deserves."

Being honest with herself, and remembering how more and more cozy and comfortable those two were with each other every time she saw them, she was chagrined to realize this should not be surprising at all.

But this was still Cordelia 'Queen C' Chase they were talking about, raison d'etre of the 'We Hate Cordelia Club'! Willow looked sideways at Xander through slitted eyes as she twisted her swing away. "And you're telling me this why, Xander? You're an adult—mostly." She flicked her hand dismissively. "You don't need my permission." She was beginning to think and worry that perhaps he didn't need or want her around at all anymore now that he had Cordelia back. Willow was more upset than she realized, and continued to turn away from Xander.

"Because we're friends, Will," he said to her back, "Yeah, maybe I don't need to tell you, but I know I should tell you. And maybe telling you straight out like this doesn't make it any easier for you, but you're my best friend, Will."

She looked back over her shoulder at him thoughtfully for a few moments. She turned completely around after wiping her eyes, sniffling once. "I'm still your best friend?"

Xander was stunned. "Of course! We'll still share and stuff, y'know, just without the kissy's. A Fluke-free zone." Xander grinned but quickly turned more serious, earnestly hoping for the best. "Please, Will, can you understand? Can you be my friend? And be happy for me?"

Will leaned back, grabbing onto the chains to keep from falling out of the swing, and gazed at him between her outstretched arms. Xander did not press her, instead just calmly waited. She considered a lot of things, the complex interplay of relationships, how all of them had changed over the years, and gradually she smiled. Willow nodded to herself, pulled herself back up and forward and shoved him playfully on the shoulder. "All right, all right, enough with the puppy-dog eyes, Xand, I get it. I'm happy for you."

She remembered their earlier conversation when she told him how proud of him she was, and seeing him again in this evening's light she noticed even more positive changes in him, forced to admit some might be due to Cordelia. "You've always been a pretty great guy, Xander." She sighed in contented understanding. "But now I think you've become a real mensch."

Xander frowned in puzzlement. "That wouldn't be anything related to a putz, would it?" Xander's knowledge of Yiddish pretty much began and ended with 'bagel' and a few other words to call people a jerk (or so he guessed from the way Willow used them).

"No," Willow laughed, "very very much the opposite." Bemused, she shook her head. "Xander & Cordelia, Round 2. I don't expect Cordy and I will ever be close like I am with Buffy, but that's OK because I want what's best for you. And I don't get to decide that. Even if I think you're a little crazy." She paused and looked meaningfully at him. "You're sure this is what you really want? Even if I said I have my doubts?"

Xander nodded his head. "She drives me crazy, sometimes. Heck, most of the time. One minute I just want to—" he made a frustrated 'grrr' noise—", and the next I just want to hold and kis—"

Willow grinned, with a knowing look.

"What?"

"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Love makes you do the whacky."

Xander returned Willow's grin, scratching his eyebrow. "Yeah, I think I heard that a ways back." He nodded his head back toward the apartment. "Head on back?" She stood and joined arms with him as they retraced their path back.

Buffy and Dawn had arrived by the time they returned, leaving Giles to find a parking space. After the greetings Xander separated from Willow and went to stand by Cordelia, nodding his head that everything was OK and took her hand.

Buffy noticed immediately, eyes widening and shot him an open-mouthed questioning look. Xander held their clasped hands up. "We're a 'we'." He shuffled his feet and looked down at the floor. "I know the timing is, ah, awkward with everything else going on—"

Buffy brought him up short with an upraised hand, grinning ear to ear. "No! This is good. I'll take all the good news I can get. Truly, I'm happy for you guys." Then she grinned wickedly and glanced behind her. "But I think Dawn should get to deliver the 'Shovel Speech'."

Dawn, already hopping up and down on her toes like a spastic rabbit, clapped her hands together in anticipation, barely keeping herself from squealing.

Uh oh! Xander and Cordelia looked warily at each other. "To which one of us?" asked Cordelia.

"Good point. Hmm." Buffy nodded in considered agreement. "I think maybe the both of you."

Dawn squealed.

She rushed up to them, hooked their arms in hers and dragged them outside to the patio. "Now?" peevishly asked Xander and Cordelia together over their shoulders.

"No time like the present," answered Buffy.

Once outside, the sliding-door carefully shut tight, the gang saw Dawn sharply point at the outdoor chairs, ordering them to sit and listen. They heard Dawn's stern but muffled voice go up and down in volume, but couldn't make out the words as she stalked back-and-forth, letting them know what's what and the severity of consequences. Both seemed cowed in the face of her lecturing and gesticulating.

Giles finally arrived and asked what was going on when he saw the three people outside. "About bloody time!" he sardonically commented when told of Xander and Cordelia. He pointed. "What's Dawn doing?"

"Oh, that's The Shovel Speech," answered Willow.

"Ah." He nodded approvingly. "Good show, that."

When Dawn was finished she gave the new couple a final warning look and they immediately agreed to whatever she was saying. Even after Xander and Cordelia stood and took a big hug from Dawn, her demeanor returning to her normally happy self, they both reentered the living room still shaken and glassy-eyed. Dawn smirked, smug, skipping along over to the coffee table to check out the yummies.

Shortly, Tara called from the kitchen table. "OK. Warning spell's all set."

"So that's it? We're all protected-up for the night?"

"All cozy and snug like a bug in a rug," confirmed Willow.

"Great!" Xander clapped his hands together briskly. "Who wants popcorn?"

(to be continued)