Chapter 52: The Decision
"Excuse me?" Elaine asked a soldier. "Can you tell me where Minister Frollo is?"
"Just at the end of the street." The soldier replied.
Elaine thanked him and continued down the road with Quasimodo, whose anxiety was showing.
"Are you okay?" Elaine asked.
"Yeah..." Quasimodo replied. "Just nervous. I don't know if Esmeralda is ready to talk to me. And Frollo's going to be there..."
"You don't have to talk to him." Elaine reminded. "We're only going there because Esmeralda is with him at this time of day."
"Right... I'll just pull Esmeralda aside and take care of this."
Claude stretched his tired arms. He used a cloth to wipe some of the sweat from his bare upper body, being careful around the scar.
The construction was coming along nicely, but the midday break was much needed. The soldiers had dispersed for the time being, so he was alone at the moment. Claude wondered if Esmeralda would be turning up soon. This was the time when she would normally come to see him, but Claude wasn't sure if she would be coming today, since she'd seemed to be in need of some alone time.
But soon, Esmeralda did arrive. Claude was glad to see her, but his mood changed when he realized how sorrowful the look on her face was.
"Is something wrong?" Claude asked.
Esmeralda was speechless. She didn't know what to say at a moment like this. How could she even begin to break the news?
"Esmeralda?" Claude said with concern, putting a hand on her shoulder.
Esmeralda flinched at his touch. Claude was surprised. Recently, he'd always been welcome to touch her. What was different now? He pulled his hand away from her, worrying even more.
"What happened?" Claude asked.
Esmeralda hesitated.
"...Nothing." She replied. "I'm just a little nervous..."
"There is no need to be." Claude assured. "What ever is on your mind?"
Esmeralda took a deep breath, then frowned.
"I've made my decision." She said sadly.
Claude's expression mirrored hers. It was obvious from Esmeralda's mood that her decision wasn't the one he would have liked.
"I see." Claude acknowledged. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Esmeralda felt every word run from her. Her heart started beating faster. Images from her terrifying dream stuck in her head.
Claude saw the fear all over her face. It was shocking. Esmeralda wasn't a fearful person. And yet she'd recoiled at his touch, as if she felt threatened by him.
"Esmeralda..." Claude whispered. "What are you afraid of? That I'm going to hurt you?"
Esmeralda struggled to compose herself.
"...Yes." She replied.
Claude was overcome with devastation. Esmeralda, who meant more to him than his own life, was afraid of being hurt by him. What had he done? If this was anyone's fault, it was surely his.
"What have I done?" Claude asked. "Did I scare you, somehow?"
"You haven't done anything." Esmeralda assured. "It's... That nightmare I had. It was about you..."
Claude immediately understood why Esmeralda had punched him that morning. It hadn't just been a nightmare-induced frenzy. He had been the nightmare.
"Esmeralda..." Claude struggled. "That wasn't real. I would never hurt you..."
Esmeralda looked at him pitifully.
"Not long ago..." She said nervously. "You were going to kill me if I rejected you..."
Claude felt a powerful guilt rush through him. Of course Esmeralda would have a nightmare about him. He'd been her villain until just recently...
"Esmeralda," Claude said pleadingly. "I justified that by telling myself you were evil. I know better now. You are good... And kind... And I couldn't stand to hurt you."
Esmeralda looked at him sadly.
"I know..." She whispered.
She did know it. Rationally, Esmeralda was aware that Claude would not harm her. The nightmare had merely left her in fear. Fear of the old version of Claude...
Claude felt that she needed more assurance, so he went on.
"You are an unbelievable blessing to me." He continued. "One that I do not deserve. It's already hard for me to live with what I've done to you in the past! I would never harm you! I couldn't harm you!"
Claude felt his heart pounding in his chest. His eyes dampened as he looked into Esmeralda's.
"I love you." He finally said.
Instantly, every amount of fright within Esmeralda vanished. Those three words stole all of her attention.
Claude couldn't believe he'd said it. He'd resisted saying those words for a while. But he had to now.
"I love you." Claude repeated. "And it would be quite contrary to love... If I punished you for not loving me..."
A tear leaked out of Esmeralda's eye.
"I do love you, Claude." She clarified. "But as you can see... I'm not over some things. I wish I didn't feel anything complicated... But I do. And I can't go into something with you when I feel like that. It wouldn't be fair to either of us..."
Claude nodded in understanding.
He didn't blame her for this. He couldn't. After all of his wrongdoings, it was only natural for Esmeralda to feel this way. He didn't deserve her forgiveness.
And yet, Claude couldn't help wondering if anything else contributed to Esmeralda's decision.
"You don't need to answer this," Claude started. "But I am curious if there is any other reason."
"My friends are the other reason." Esmeralda explained. "Quasimodo especially... He couldn't handle this. I would lose him..."
Claude couldn't believe he hadn't thought of that. Quasimodo hadn't been on his mind much recently, since he hadn't seen him. But Esmeralda was right. The poor bell ringer would not react well to the news of her and Claude being in love. Claude hated the idea of that. He didn't want to hurt Quasimodo, who had already been so hurt by him, nor did he want Esmeralda to lose such a good friend.
"You're right..." Claude admitted. "I should have thought of that..."
Esmeralda hated that she had to do this to Claude. She hoped that if nothing else, he didn't feel like this was due to any inadequacy on his part.
"Those are the only reasons." Esmeralda assured.
Claude looked at her with gentle doubt.
"It's not because of..." He started. "...My concerns about having children?"
"No." Esmeralda replied. "To be honest, I'm concerned too. It's intimidating, the idea of being a parent."
Esmeralda had never given much thought to the idea of parenting, since it had always seemed so far away from her. But after hearing Claude's concerns, she'd realized her own. Raising children would surely be difficult, so she didn't blame Claude in the slightest for feeling uneasy about it.
Claude nodded.
"And it isn't about the age difference?" He asked.
"If I cared about that, you would know it by now." Esmeralda assured. "And the gap is actually smaller than I thought. So no, it's not about that."
Claude believed her, although it was somewhat difficult. He was amazed that someone like Esmeralda could possibly be attracted to him. He wouldn't have been offended if she'd turned him down because she preferred to be with a handsome young man like Phoebus, but that wasn't the case.
"And it's not..." Claude resumed.
He struggled. This was still hard to talk about.
"...Something to do with my childhood?" He finished.
Claude felt like his childhood had ruined him. If anything about him seemed unattractive, it was the trauma he'd suffered, the nightmares it gave him, and the unsightly scar it had left him with. Although she'd always indicated otherwise, comforting him and even kissing his scar, Claude couldn't help worrying that Esmeralda was put off by the effects of what had happened to him. He was especially worried about that after last night, when the memory of his worst punishment had kept him from making love to her.
Esmeralda looked at him compassionately.
"No." She said in a firm, yet gentle tone. "I have never thought of you differently for that. You know I never would..."
Claude looked down at his scar.
"I know." He admitted. "But it's so hard not to worry about it... I know I disappointed you last night."
"You did no such thing." Esmeralda insisted. "It wouldn't bother me if we couldn't always make love. Just being with you last night was... Lovely..."
Esmeralda thought fondly of the time she'd spent in Claude's arms. She loved every close moment she had with him. It hurt her to think that there might not be any more of those moments. She wanted them so badly. She wanted Claude.
"There is nothing about you that isn't good enough for me." Esmeralda told him. "I love our time together so much, and if I were choosing purely based on what I want, I would easily choose you. I'm just not ready... Not with these circumstances..."
Claude finally shed a tear. He hadn't expected this to be so bittersweet. It meant a lot to know that he was good enough in Esmeralda's eyes, but it broke his heart to know that they still couldn't be together.
"I understand." Claude said sorrowfully. "But... Those circumstances could change, couldn't they?"
"Maybe." Esmeralda admitted. "But right now... I just can't do this."
Claude nodded, another tear rolling out of his eye.
"I'm sorry..." Esmeralda sobbed.
"You have nothing to apologize for." Claude assured. "And as I said before, your friendship will always be enough for me."
Esmeralda was grateful for how easy Claude made this. He was a better friend than she'd ever thought he could be. It hurt her to not be able to give him a better answer.
They hugged each other tightly while they both cried. It was a few minutes before they slightly came apart.
"Can I kiss you one more time?" Esmeralda requested.
"Absolutely." Claude replied.
They kissed slowly, keeping their arms wrapped around each other. They stayed in that position for what seemed like hours, never wanting this to end. If this was their last kiss, they would cherish it, feeling every ounce of the love between them.
It was the longest kiss they'd ever shared.
"Esmeralda?!"
They broke the kiss when the interruption came, turning their heads.
Quasimodo stood on the street, frozen in a horrified shock, with a visibly surprised Elaine at his side.
