Chapter 6: What You Want Most

"Bella, come outside with me?"

Jasper's arm tightened slightly around Bella's shoulders and he narrowed his eyes at his sister. Bella just blinked up at Rosalie for a minute before her mind registered the completely out of character request. "Um, yeah. Yeah, sure."

"Down, cowboy," Rosalie rolled her eyes at Jasper. "I just want to talk."

"I've heard somethin' like that before."

"It's okay, really," Bella reassured him, rising from the couch to follow Rosalie outside onto the balcony off the living room. She closed the door behind them and crossed her arms over her chest as the cool night settled around them. "So, um… what's up?"

Rosalie was never one to beat around the bush. "You have no idea what you're getting yourself in to."

"Excuse me?"

"I've heard you and Jasper talking. And I envy you, Bella."

Bella frowned. "That… that doesn't make sense. I mean, you own a mirror, right? But, um… thank you? I guess?"

Rosalie shook her head. "I envy your choice. I never had one. None of us did. You do."

"It doesn't feel like it. Not when he… I can't be without him."

"Being with Emmett, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But if I could," she said, with a wistful smile, looking back into the house where Emmett was laughing at something Jasper said, "I'd take him and leave everything else behind, just for a chance to be human again. A chance to have the one thing that was taken from me, from us, that I want more than anything."

"I don't want anything else."

"I know you think that now, but someday you might change your mind. As long as it's not too late."

"What was it that you wanted?" Bella asked with a slight frown.

Rosalie smiled sadly, her eyes shining with tears she would never again shed. "A child. A family. I wanted to be a mother more than anything. To have a home of my own, a husband to kiss me when he came home from work, a sweet baby to cuddle and love, and I almost had all of it… until it was taken from me."

"What happened?"

"Royce King," Rosalie hissed, her pretty mouth twisting as though the name still left her with a bad taste after all these years. "The most eligible bachelor in town. I was eighteen and completely in love with the idea of love. I didn't know what he was really like until that night. The last night of my human life. I was walking home from a friend's house later than I'd meant to. He was with some friends, drinking. He called me over to them and, naively, I went. He grabbed me and tried to… to show me off to his friends. All of me. When I refused, he and his friends…" she trailed off, still unable to think too fully on that night even after all that had come to pass since then. She trusted that Bella would be able to fill in the blanks, and by the look on her face, she most certainly had.

"Rosalie, I'm… God, I'm so sorry," Bella whispered, horrified by what she'd had to endure.

"I got my revenge eventually. I saved Royce for last, so he'd know I was coming for him. I even wore my wedding gown. The bastard got blood all over it." She sighed, lacing her hands together as she looked out over the balcony. "Things got a lot better, almost perfect again, after I found Emmett. But we'll always be this. Frozen, never moving forward. That's what I miss most, the possibilities. Sitting on a front porch somewhere, Emmett and I both with grey hair, surrounded by our grandchildren, their laughter as they play…"

"I'm sorry that was taken from you," Bella said softly, hoping Rosalie understood just how much she meant it, "but I've thought a lot about this. All I'm ever going to want is to be with Jasper."

"Wrong again," Rosalie sighed, a small, sad smile on her lips. "After you've been changed, there's one thing you'll want more. One thing you'll kill for… blood."

With one last look, Rosalie turned back toward the house, passing Jasper on his way out to the balcony. "You're welcome."

"You didn't have to do that," he said softly. He knew how much she avoided talking about her last few days as a human, with good reason, he thought. So to bring it up now, to remind Bella of the consequences of the choice she was making, he truly did appreciate it.

Rosalie shrugged and headed into the house. Jasper shook his head and moved to take Bella into his arms. She curled into his chest. "I had no idea she'd gone through all that."

"None of us like to talk 'bout the night we became what we are now. Except maybe Emmett."

"Why Emmett?"

"I'll let him tell you," he said, resting his chin on top of her head. "Forewarning, Rose plays a staring role, but I think the bear deserves more credit."

Bella laughed lightly. Jasper began to card his fingers through her hair. They stayed wrapped in silence for a minute or two before Bella asked, "Is it true, what she said about wanting blood more than anything else?"

His voice was soft, his answer almost carried off on the breeze, "That was certainly my experience."

Bella was quiet again as she thought about that. The Cullens made it look so easy, she could, and frequently did, forget there was a monstrous side to this decision she was making. "You'd be there to help me though, right?"

"Of course, darlin'," he answered immediately. "Every step of the way."

She nodded against his chest. "I'm sorry you didn't have anyone to help you."

His arms tightened around her ever so slightly and she suddenly felt a sinking feeling in her chest. She pulled back to look up at him, a deep frown carved into his features. "What is it?"

He kept his gaze focused on the landscape around them, darkness falling rapidly and stars beginning to poke through the black sky. "Got a call from Peter today. Maria's dead."

"Oh," Bella said softly, waiting to hear his reaction first before sharing hers. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah. It's just… strange."

Not the word she would've picked, but alright. "What do you mean?"

He frowned again, words and emotions and memories all tumbling around in his mind. "Maria's always been a… a constant. In my head. An unwanted one, but a constant all the same. I… it was like she was this reminder, always lurking, of who I once was. Who I always felt like I was this close," he said, holding his finger and thumb less than an inch apart, "to becomin' again."

Bella pulled them apart and kissed his hand. He smirked, then sighed and stepped away from her to pace a bit. She watched, wanting to help but understanding right now, he just needed someone to listen. He stopped and leaned against the balcony rail. Ran his hands through his hair. Over his face. "The hell I put people through… God! What I did for her! You know, Carlisle knew who I was, when Alice an' I first found 'em? I had gained such a reputation while I was with Maria. Fuck, even after… The carnage I left in my wake… Vampire. Human. It didn't matter. If Maria wanted it done, I did it. For a while it got to where I didn't know which were my emotions, my desires, an' which were hers. If I'd been stronger, able to control my power better…"

That was enough. Time to step in. "Jasper," she said, crossing the balcony to stand before him. She took his hands in hers and held them tight. "She used you." His eyes met hers as she continued, "You can feel me, right? My emotions?"

He nodded.

"Can you feel yours?"

He nodded again.

"Ok, see? You told me you've never messed with my emotions. Well I've never messed with yours either."

Jasper frowned and she could tell he was beginning to understand.

"She used you. She used your powers against you. I know you think you're some sort of… villain or whatever, but she was the one who was really the monster. Not you."

"I'd like to believe you," he said softly, running his thumbs over the backs of her hands.

She smiled. "Good thing I've got literally forever to convince you."


A/N: So, it occured to me that if Jasper is affected by other people's emotions, then couldn't his gift be used against him? By someone named Maria? Anyways, cheers and see you in the next chapter!