A/N: Turns out the only change necessary is Fiona's narration. Though, I did say possible scenes in the previous chapter.

Shrek: Tale of the Ogre Princess

Chapter 3: Lord Farquaad

Meanwhile, a masked man was pouring a glass of milk while another man was shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he was let into the room by two guards, the other man was apparently abnormally short.

"Back then, I had no idea that there was someone so pompous, self-centered, and... well, short. That someone is Lord Farquaad. Honestly, I don't know what I even saw in him. Well, I was bound to find out sooner or later, but we'll get to that one later.", Fiona narrated.

The masked man was dunking what looked to be a small person into the glass of milk.

"That's enough. He's ready to talk.", Farquaad spoke, stepping forward.

It turned out that a small person was none other than the Gingerbread Man himself, Gingy. He was pulled out of the milk by the masked man named Thelonious and was slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Lord Farquaad laughed evilly as he walked over to the table. When he reached the table, he was too short to see above it. All he needed to do was clear his throat and the table was lowered. He picked up Gingy's severed, or in this case, broken, cookie legs and played with them.

"Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!"

"You're a monster!", Gingy gasped.

"I'm not the monster here, you are.", Farquaad began, throwing one leg at Gingy. "You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world..."

He even crumbled the other leg into dust.

"Now, tell me! Where are the others?!"

"Eat me!"

Gingy spat into Farquaad's left eye.

"Ugh! I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME OR I'LL...!", Farquaad threatened as he grabbed one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons.

"No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!", Gingy pleaded.

"All right then. Who's hiding them?", Farquaad demanded, moving the lamp toward him.

"Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?", Gingy asked.

"The muffin man?", Farquaad asked.

"The muffin man."

"Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?", Farquaad asked.

"Well, she's married to the muffin man.", Gingy replied.

"The muffin man?", Farquaad shouted, shocked.

"THE MUFFIN MAN!", Gingy shouted.

"She's married to the muffin man.", Farquaad said.

Suddenly, a door opened and the Captain of the Duloc Guards stepped in.

"My lord! We've found it.", the captain said.

"Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!", Farquaad said excitedly.

More guards entered, carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mounted it on the wall and the Captain removed the sheet. It was the Magic Mirror. Everyone stood in awe, especially Gingy.

"Ohhhh..."

"Magic mirror...", Farquaad began.

"Don't tell him anything! NO!", Gingy shouted as Lord Farquaad smacked him off the table and into a trash can to silence him.

"Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?", Farquaad asked.

"Well, technically you're not a king.", Magic Mirror responded.

"Uh, Thelonious?"

Thelonious held up a hand mirror and smashed it with his fist as a threat to the Magic Mirror.

"You were saying?"

"What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.", the Magic Mirror assured with a chuckle.

"Go on."

Magic Mirror chuckled nervously.

"So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And...here they are!"

Just then, a Bouncy gameshow music started to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror revealed three shadowy portraits of princesses, two of which were familiar enough. Lord Farquaad seemed confused, but watched on silently.

"Bachelorette number 1 is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her 2 evil sisters. Please welcome...Cinderella!", Magic Mirror spoke as an image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Lord Farquaad looked at her approvingly and the Captain clapped.

"Bachelorette number 2 is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy."

An image of the 7 Dwarves then flashed on the screen. The guards laughed at the Mirror's joke as he explained.

"Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on, give it up for Snow White!"

The mirror then showed a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Lord Farquaad seemed even more pleased, and everyone else clapped this time.

"And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number 3 is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!", Magic Mirror spoke as he then showed an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shone and Lord Farquaad covered his eyes. Nevertheless, this didn't seem to deter his interest.

"But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piƱa coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!"

This time, as he said this, the mirror showed a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again, everyone else clapped.

"So, will it be: bachelorette number 1, bachelorette number 2, or bachelorette number 3?", the mirror asked, flipping through each princesses' portrait.

The guards shouted out different numbers while Lord Farquaad frantically tried to decide.

"2! 2! 3! 3! 2! 2! 3!"

"2? 3? 1? 3?", Farquaad whimpered.

Only Thelonius had the right idea, despite holding up 2 fingers instead of 3, that is.

"3! Pick number 3, my lord!", Thelonious suggested.

"Okay, okay! Uh... number 3!", Farquaad shouted.

"Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona."

Wild applause erupted from the guards as Lord Farquaad was captivated by the portrait of Fiona.

"Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...", Farquaad began to himself.

"But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.", Magic Mirror warned.

But Lord Farquaad didn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.

"I'll do it."

"Yes, but after sunset..."

"Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament!", Farquaad announced, grinning evilly.