TW: Anxiety
***

"Hello mate, come in" a cheerful, disarmingly handsome man opened the door, slightly older than Rachel. Eddie had never seen him before. "Where's your chair?" The man asked like it was a very reasonable question.

"Sorry?" Eddie stumbled over the word.

"Lucky for you I brought six but the girls will eat you alive. Come through" he laughed. The man led a bewildered Eddie through the kitchen and out to the garden where he was met by a group of people he also didn't know. All of them in coats, wool hats and gloves. "Here" the man placed a beer bottle in his hand. "Guys this is… I don't actually know. What's your name mate?"

"Eddie Lawson" he replied. He was met by a chorus of hellos.

"And you didn't bring a chair?" A woman in a bright green coat asked.

"Sorry, where's Rachel?" He said.

"No chair" the man that greeted him at the door answered.

"For god's sake. I thought we were banned at the door if we didn't bring a chair?" the woman was outraged but kept her smile.

"Eddie's new, leave him alone" a pretty woman with black hair laughed. "Come sit with me".

"He can sit on my knee" another man joked. Eddie hastily moved towards the friendly woman.

"Hi Eddie. I'm Charlotte" she shook his hand.

"Why is everyone talking about chairs?" He asked.

"It's a running joke… although it's beyond a joke now, I think. Whenever we meet up, nobody comes prepared and we have to draw straws for who sits on the floor" she rolled her eyes. "How do you know Rach?"

"We work together. Where is she?"

"Oh you work together? How is she doing at work?" green coat woman cut across the table.

"Erm fine. She's the best" he replied, falling back to his usual defensiveness when it came to the topic of his boss.

"Yes, well we all know that. I'm asking if she's okay?" Eddie looked confused. "Oh never mind" she sighed and moved her attention elsewhere.

"I think… She means we are all a little worried about her. We adore her, that's all" Charlotte explained. Eddie decided to brush over the observation. He ran his eyes across the garden, new territory. It was average size and lined with fruit trees, daffodils were starting to appear. He assumed she had someone to tend to it for her, but he moreso hoped she cared for it herself. Hoped it offered her relaxation.

"What is this? And why are we in the garden?" He asked and Charlotte laughed at his bewilderment.

"We do this every summer and last summer was Rachel's turn to host. But, for reasons I'm sure you're more than aware of, it didn't happen. So we all committed to winter instead. I think Rachel's looking for hot water bottles" she laughed. "If I'm honest, I'm not so sure she's happy we're here. And that's not judgment of course, I just mean… well if you know her well enough, you'll know what I mean" Charlotte trailed off and Eddie smiled in empathy.

"Yeah. I think she's doing better. But… I'm never quite sure she's being honest with me" he replied, feeling a pang of guilt at talking about her behind her back, let alone with strangers. He swallowed a mouthful of beer.

"Yes, I think perhaps we're all getting that treatment" Charlotte sighed.

"She'll get there, strongest woman I've ever met" Charlotte's smile softened and she seemed to be surveying him closely.

"This is all I have, I'm afraid. So if you're going to fight to the death for them, please do it over there" Rachel's familiar voice appeared across the garden and she gestured to a patch of brambles towards the back of the garden, holding three hot water bottles. "Eddie?" She laughed and smiled brightly. "You lot, leave him alone!".

"You didn't make him bring a chair?" The man that met Eddie at the door swung an arm around Rachel's waist, clearly a practiced gesture.

"That, Danny, is because he wasn't invited" she laughed. "But you just let any old stranger into my house, that's fine" she shook herself free from the man's arms and walked over. "Not that you're not welcome, obviously".

"It's too late now, he's being fed and watered" another woman walked over and placed a bowl of soup in front of Eddie.

"I'm so confused" Eddie laughed, handing Rachel the five envelopes that he had yet to put down.

"I find it's best to just go with it" she smiled back with her old charm. "And I didn't make the soup, so you're safe"

"You could poison me with soup?"

"I could certainly get close" she shrugged.

"Like that curry in 2004. That was a genuine assassination attempt" Danny said. Rachel groaned and wandered back towards the kitchen, using the envelopes to smack Danny's thigh as she walked by.

...

His soup was finished, he'd drunk two beers and declined a third and Rachel was nowhere to be seen. Making his excuses to Charlotte, he stood and entered the house. He glanced into the lounge but it was empty, then to the dining room where Rachel was squatting on the floor, holding the table with her hand, with her forehead resting on it. She'd removed her coat and gloves, leaving a black long sleeve. Somehow she was smaller than he realised, having lost the authority that came with being at work. He panicked for a second.

"Rachel?" He said softly.

"Jesus" she stood quickly with a gasp. "Sorry".

"Are you okay? What was that?" He stepped into the room, surprise and concern obvious in his tone.

"Nothing, just needed a minute" her words were almost strangled and her eyes were watching the doorway, debating how easily she could slide past him and escape, he presumed. He stared at her, waiting patiently for her to break the silence but she didn't.

"Is it anxiety? You… have anxiety" he said, voicing a thought he'd kept inside for months. She rolled her eyes and groaned.

"Well spotted" she said sarcastically, squatting back down against the table.

"Is it new?" He asked.

"No" she replied, her eyes closed.

"How long?" He asked. She didn't answer for a moment, taking a deep breath instead.

"On and off since I was about eight" she admitted, standing and sitting back against the table so she didn't have to look directly at him. He pondered the implications of her admission. He had once thought he knew her inside and out, and yet this was a side of herself she hadn't willingly shown him before. She worried about everything, but this was different. He knew she'd had some sort of panic attack on her first day back at work, although he had never called it that or tried to talk to her about it. But that was the result of genuine threat. Now she simply had friends around her. Her mother had died when she was around eight years old, but Melissa had told him that, not her. He watched her knuckles turning white. "It's fine, they're all wonderful, it's obviously all me, nothing to do with them. I have literally no reason to be... and they're doing this because they…" she sighed and stood up, pausing her frustrated rambling. "I'm just having a bad day" she said, seemingly changing her mind about confiding in him. She blinked rapidly and he tried to look for tears in her eyes but couldn't see any. Pity flooded through Eddie, which wasn't something he was used to feeling with her.

"I'm sorry" he stepped closer, but she took a step backwards and shook her head. "If it's work, if you need help, I can take more on" he offered.

"It's not" she said bluntly.

"Okay, but I can still-"

"I didn't realise they'd corrale you into the garden, hope you didn't have urgent plans" she tried to return to normal conversation but a distinct blush was crawling up her neck. Then he realised she was embarrassed that he had caught her like this.

"No, nothing" he managed a laugh in an attempt to settle her. "They're a nice bunch. Charlotte seems great" he said.

"Yeah, they are" she gave him a smile but there was something else in her expression, exhaustion and something he couldn't identify. Guilt perhaps.

"Just give it time… whatever 'it' is" he whispered, cursing the words as they left his mouth, desperately searching for something more useful to say and finding nothing. She gave him another barely there smile and looked away. It was a new smile, one he was almost certain meant she didn't want to talk anymore, meant she wanted him to leave. A familiar unpleasant feeling crept up his spine, maybe he was anxious too, at least a little bit. She was uncomfortable and clearly had no immediate plans of confiding in him further. "I'll see you on Monday then" he said gently.

"Okay" she walked with him towards the front door.

"I know you don't want to hear it, but-" he began, choosing to open the front door rather than look at her.

"Then don't say it!" she cut him off. "God, I'm sorry" she covered quickly, it sounded remorseful but he wasn't convinced.

"Okay" he spoke coldly as he stepped outside.

"Eddie!" He turned back when her hand landed on his arm, the contact surprising him. "I'm sorry. It's really not you, or them. I just-" to her credit, it was more genuine this time.

"A bad day" he parroted back to her, saving her from any further explanation.

"Yeah" she said but it lacked conviction.

"I know you're going to say no, but I am here if you ever want to talk" he looked back at her.

"Thank you" she gave him a soft smile that only served to make him feel worse. Her reaction was exceptionally soft and polite and she looked like she appreciated it, like his words meant a lot to her, touched her somehow. It was so practiced that Eddie was left utterly certain she was pretending solely for his benefit. She didn't believe him. She wouldn't be taking him up on that offer, but he hadn't really expected her to. Once again he seemed to recognise her less than ever.