Chapter 13 – Into the Fire

I stood there, unable to move or think clearly. I could barely believe Jasper was alive and in such a state, his body completely broken and divided. His eyes were closed, his expression almost peaceful as if he had accepted his fate, unlike most of his companions whose eyes were open in panic and agony.

Carlisle's hand brushed gently against my shoulder, startling me, but still, I could not take my gaze away from Jasper, I simply couldn't. Now I felt a squeeze on my shoulder and I had to look at him this time. His eyes were compassionate but determined, reminding me that there was no time, we had to get out of there as fast as possible and get to safety. Then we could start asking questions.

I nodded and reached for Jasper's left arm in order to free it, Carlisle for his head. I tried by best not to let the horrid disposition of his body parts disturb me as we freed the rest of our friend and then it was time to wait for his body to regenerate itself. But we waited and waited and it remained quite the same, as if he wasn't awake and alive. Carlisle stated that we could not afford to wait any longer, we had to carry him out which made our task from very difficult to mostly impossible.

We wrapped his body in a crimson Volturi cape that was in one of the rooms and carried it through the only corridor available. After all, we could not turn back from where we came from since that door was impossible to open from the inside, so the only way out was forward. We walked slowly with Jasper and our flashlights in the hopes that the path would lead us to an exist. And at last, after a few wrong turns, we found what looked like exist stairs leading up to the surface. As we approached the stairs, a sharp noise cut through the silence. The alarm. They had found the dead Volturi. We speed up our pace, reaching for the staircase trapdoor. And just like that we were again in the streets of Copenhagen, next to the river bank, the light of the full moon shining upon us. I almost sighed of relief as I breathed in the fresh air for the first time in hours. But such peace was short lived.

We feel as one of the Volturi collided with me, leaving Jasper's body unprotected on the ground. He went straight to my head, attempting to take it off as I tried to stop him to no avail as I felt by body tearing slowly. I lost my vision for a few seconds thinking that I was all over for me and in a way, I was glad, relieved even. At least I was dying in the name of something and I wouldn't be able to hurt him anymore.

As I accepted by fate, I could suddenly breath again, my vision coming back to me and my enemy gone, burning beside me. Carlisle attempted to reach me, so concerned that he did not notice another Volturi behind him. Before I could say anything, Carlisle's body started to brake on its own in impossible positions, his screams were so agonizing that I can still hear them to this day. I immediately cast my shield onto him, realizing our new enemy had another horrid ability, and wondered if this was a new addition to Aro's collection of gifted vampires.

Getting up, I ran towards Carlisle to help with our enemy but before I could do so, I saw another Volturi about to burn Jasper's body. I had to make a choice in those moments. Who should I save? No…no, no. I could not do this again. Why did I have to choose between saving the man that I loved and doing the right thing once more? Hadn't I paid the price for my mistakes? Why? Why did have to be him? He had nothing to do with my sins! Nothing!

I was panicking, I told myself. I could save both. I could, I knew I could. I had to. Because I knew who he would tell me to choose if he were right here beside me.

I ran in the opposite direction of Carlisle, praying that even with my shield weakened from not being able to concentrate fully on him that it would be enough for him to survive. Again, it had to be.

Reaching Jasper's body, I was able to stop the other Volturi from burning him. As I fought my enemy, I felt the shield that protected Carlisle weaking even more, try as I might to keep it up. At last, I was able to destroy my opponent, burning him instead. I reached for Jasper's body and was relieved to find it safe and sound. I sighed. Then, I turned my attention to the other side of the street.

Carlisle's body was completely broken as the Volturi prepared to burn it. I ran with all that I had, though it seemed that I was running in slow motion, like no matter how hard I tried I would never make it in time. I had felt something similar before in Italy but this… this was somehow so much worse.

I watched as the torch kissed his chest. My heart broke as anger started to boil deep inside of me, a visceral and haunting grown grew inside my throat. I was able to decapitate my enemy with the element of surprise, not even bothering to burn him, I just had to save my beloved. He had to live. He had to…

Reaching for his burning chest I tried to put out the fire with my own hands, burning them in the process. I screamed as some of fingers turned into ash, darkening but it mattered not. I had to put out this fire, this was not the end, I could not be.

To my enormous relief the flames faded away, leaving a large darkened scar in his chest though it wasn't disintegrating anymore. Still, I did not want to take any chances. Leaving his body for a while I walked to where the trapdoor was closed and locked it as best as I could. I did not want to take the risk of more Volturi coming out from there, though we also weren't safe in the streets. I had to take them both to the hotel as soon as possible and ask for help. But first, I had to make sure Carlisle was out of the woods for good.

I took some water from the canal and placed it into his wound. It seemed to help as his body appeared to be regenerating itself but still, he had not regained conscience and as such I remained worried. What if it didn't work? What if I was too late? What if he remained like so forever? It would all be my fault… again…

"Please, don't leave me…"

My hands remained on his chest still wet, as I was not able to gaze upon his features. I was too much of coward of that, after all, if I hadn't made the choices that I had this would never have happened and he would be alive and possibly happy…

He made me believe that I deserved forgiveness for my sins, that somehow, I deserved to be happy and like a fool I let myself be swept away into this fantasy. But now as I looked at his burned chest it was almost comical how silly I had been. Everyone that I loved ended up this way because of me.

"Never…"

As I heard these words, I looked up and my eyes meet his leaving me no choice but to breaking into a smile as I repressed the impulse to wrap my arms around his body.

"There you are…"

"I suppose I owe you thanks" he said with a smirk, his hand stroking my cheek.

"I suppose you do" I replied with a gentle smile. At least his sense of humor was intact.

"And Jasper…?"

"He's alright" I said as we both looked to where his body was.

"Good, I'm glad you were able to get to him first" He expressed with a sigh of relief. I bit my lip. I wanted to say that I was not glad about any of what went on, that I could not bare to make such a choice again, that for once I wanted to be selfish but I knew I could not admit these things. What would he think of me? Besides, it was indeed not the time to have such conversations, so I opted to simply nod, not able to bring myself to say anything at all.

The two weeks that followed after that horrid night weren't exactly any better. We were able to return to Forks safely and without anymore Volturi encounters but each day felt incredibly long and painful. Carlisle was still getting back up on his feet after almost being killed. His scar had diminished slightly but I knew it would never truly fade away, just like I would never get back two of my fingers that had burned when I tried to save him. And to make matters worse, Jasper hadn't woken up yet. His body was slowly regenerating but it was taking much longer than normal for a vampire as he hadn't even opened his eyes yet. Carlisle reassured me that it probably had something to do with being dismembered for a long period of time but still it was just a theory. We had to be patient.

And believe me reader, I was worried about Jasper and wished that this worry occupied my every thought but it did not even do me such kindness. If I was honest, I had been living in torment ever since that night. It was like I was relieving constantly what had happened nine months ago and I could not bare it. Every single time I closed my eyes I saw Carlisle amongst the flames and I lost it. I got lost in the what if's – what if hadn't gotten there in time? What if he would have died? How could I live with myself?

For too many times I had cursed these feelings that I had for him. Not only were they not right but they also put me in a vulnerable position once more, something that I vowed not to do again. I had something to lose for the first time in a long time and that… well… that scared me because I could not take that kind of pain again. Why did I let myself care for him…? Especially when I knew I was leaving in the end.

It made me question everything that I had learned these past few months. Was I truly allowed forgiveness? Did I truly have permission to be happy? Did I deserve such a thing? Thanks to him I had been leaning into the maybe yes but now… I did not know what to think.

Since then, I had buried myself in my writing as it was the only thing that gave me some piece of mind and it was a good excuse to avoid being in the same room as Carlisle. I could not bare to look at him and… truly I did not know what to say. So, I hid all of myself in the words I put to paper, even my love for him, as I knew now more than ever that I would have to hide these feelings for his own good. Or, so I liked to tell myself.

At present, I sat beside my daughter's grave, reflecting on such matters, as one does, when I heard footsteps approaching.

"You shouldn't be up" I said, not able to lift my gaze towards him.

"I already rested plenty" He expressed as he sat beside me "And besides, this wound won't heal any more than what it already has. But then again, you already knew that"

Try as I might I could not fight any longer the urge to get up and leave and that was exactly what I did like the coward I was. I just… did not know how to move forward. And I knew I was hurting him but I…

"You have been avoiding me"

It was not a question but a simple statement and one that I could not ignore, after all, it would only make things worse.

"Have I?" Said I as I stopped walking altogether, still with my back turned to him. Maybe I could still walk away from this conversation. Maybe…

"Isabella…" His voice was hard when he said my name, so different from when where were in the bliss that had been Provence. It seemed now like a lifetime had passed since then. I heard him get up and walk closer to where I was still standing but I sensed him hesitate "Was it what I said on that night…?" His voice was softer now and I could not help but to turn to face him. I regretted doing so immediately because well… there he was, with those eyes, like always telling me that I could trust him, that I could burden him with my problems, that he was there for me and I just lost it because I had missed him. I had missed home.

"It's just that… for once I wish I did not have to choose between who lives and who dies" I confessed, though not fully, as my gaze lowered to the ground "And then you seemed so pleased that I choose you last… like your life did not matter… but, Carlisle, I do not know what I would do if I lost you; you have been my lifeboat throughout this whole journey and without you I would be adrift. I know it is selfish of me but- "

He rushed to my side and embraced me deeply, his hand running freely throughout my back and hair. It had been so long since he touched me like that even I was surprised by how much I missed it, how much I truly needed it as sinful it was of me to feel such things I just could not help myself.

"So, now you know how I feel…" He whispered softly against my hair "Every time you tell me you wish to leave this world" His hand ran through my hair and I contemplated his words. He was right, it was indeed painful and for that I wondered what had I done to him this whole time? Because if he felt a fraction of what I was feeling… well… I wouldn't wish that on anyone "But, I still believe your decision to stay should have nothing with the people that love you but with what you want and think is best for you, no matter how much such a choice makes me suffer. If my sins have taught me anything is that everyone deserves to be free to choose what to do with their life"

"I'm sorry…" Was all that I was able to say as I was grateful to him for such words, for such compassion because I did not know if I could do the same thing. But that was exactly what he deserved. Only the best.

"No… I should be the one to apologize. In truth, I would gladly give my life to save one of those I turned and condemned to this eternal existence and…" He hesitated, pondering his words carefully I sensed "I did not think that it would matter to you that did so…"

"What? How can you say such thing?" I questioned, confused and a bit angry. He truly was blind to what was right in front of him, wasn't he? It should have made me happy but somehow… it did not. I pulled away from the embrace in order to gaze upon his features, trying to decipher his words.

"Bella…I…" He whispered not able to look at me directly as I noticed that for first time since he showed me his paintings, he hadn't called me by my birthname "I have been a fool; you are still- "

In those moments we heard a new familiar sound around the house. Another vampire was walking about inside Carlisle's study, his breathing being the sound we had been waiting to hear for two weeks. Jasper had finally woken up.

Author's Note: Dear readers, thank you so much for reading chapter 13, especially if you are here since the beginning. I know I took a long break from this story, life got busy, but I finally got around to writing this chapter that is long overdue. It is short but it felt like a natural way to end it as I wanted to dedicate a whole chapter to the conversation with Jasper. Anyhow, thank you so much for your support and I hope to see you in the next one!