AN: ...Fucking Hangovers...

Disclaimer: Bonesboy15 doesn't own Helluva Boss or Naruto. The following is a written work of fan-fiction. It contains adult language and situations. Reader discretion is advised.

One Knuckleheaded Glutton

Hamburger Royal


"We're going to have to pay for so much yard-work." Stella groaned into her hand.

"Come now, darling–"

"Oh, save it you Imp-fucking shithead!" She snarled and then glared out the window at the damage to her lawn. "I never should have asked about that offer Bee-Lzebub sent out…"


"I can't fucking believe that little bastard has his own business! And he's using it?!"

"Yeah, I know, I'm watching it now." Vortex rubbed his face as he watched his girlfriend's dumbass brother interact with his boss' toxic ex-boyfriend on Channel 666.

He was still a little thrown by the fucking professional interview that aired just before the founder of the Instant Mutilation Professors or whatever showed up. He didn't know how the cocky shit pulled off surviving that barrage on top of the explosion, but the why behind the latter was straightforward. More of a smokescreen than an actual act to retaliate with. A set up for the ambush that followed. It was disturbingly effective and very much something that someone with military training did.

Tex, himself, had never enlisted, but his father served a few years after his stint in Wrath's Hellhound Academy. His accolades got him clients and friends that Vortex would rather forget existed. He pushed memories of the past aside and focused on the here and now. His girlfriend's brother was always sort of different – Foxfiends were an offshoot of Hellhounds, Bee claimed – but this kind of military planning was more than most Hellhounds–Shit, it was more than most of the fucking nobility got. Their plans usually consisted of throwing waves after waves of minions at their enemies.

"...I mean dropping a fucking bomb on someone?! Overkill much, Blitzø?"

Ah, Verosika was in rant mode. This hadn't happened in a couple of months, not since before she went into rehab. He needed to keep her from popping a bottle open.

"Boss, maybe go back to working on the next tour? If you don't come up with something, then Bee's buying us out."

While he had absolutely no problem with that – shit, he might even get a decent fucking pay bump out of the whole thing if his girlfriend bought his boss' label – he had no desire to be Bee's bitch. Well, not anymore than he currently was. His crotch still hurt from last week's little fun-run she needed to get over her stress of her brother's overnight disappearance.

At least they'd planned for him to be gone this week, so unless Bee was watching Pride News – which was highly fucking unlikely – Vortex was good to sit back in his recliner and recover.

...Where did his phone go?

"Vee, babe, Tex just gave me a brilliant fucking idea!" Oh, fuck his life. A familiar weight slipped over his shoulders and a sweet familiar scent wafted into his nose. A furred cheek brushed against his and another hand started going past his shoulder to his chest. "Tell you what, you write a bomb track for my Baby Bro an– ...What? Oh, look up 'Bee You '98' and jump to nine minutes on VoxTube. Yeah, you'll get it. – Anyway, you write a track for him to drop and I'll not only buy out your label, I'll pay off your debts and get you a new work office! Any Ring, any price!"

Oh, no...He had to stop this from happening. He had to–Wait, what was th–?!

"Babe!" Vortex yelped when one of her talented hands slipped below his waistline and squeezed. Hot breath cooed into his ear before a tongue lashed over his cheek. His head was tilted to the side and familiar lips melded together all too briefly. Then, as sudden as it started, it ended.

"Shh, shh, I'm on the phone. Just sit tight and relax, babe." Fuck, he almost wished he couldn't do that just to spite her. "Vee? Still there, or are you masturbating to our pre-gaming again?"

There were times that Vortex hated his life in Hell, and even as Bee's hands started to entice him into some fun activities while she teased his boss over his phone, he could only determine that this was not one of those times.


The excitement of the previous day passed, and a new day dawned on the home of the Goetian Prince and his family. Octavia, back in her preferred dress and cardigan, poked her head around the corner of the doorframe. Left, clear. Right, clear.

She darted across the hall to brace herself at her father's study. Another quick scout. Still clear. Another dash, this time to the corner that led her to the left wing and hopefully freedom. She had to have enough time on her hands by to wait out—

Sploosh-clatter!

Cold!

"What the fuck!?" Octavia didn't shriek so much as she screamed. Her beak started chattering and her legs were knocking and—ugh, being drenched sucks! Where the flying shit did that bucket of ice water come from?!

"Dead." Her bodyguard chirped. Octavia pulled the water-soaked cap out from her eyes, she looked left, right, behind– "Up here, Princess."

She looked up, and gave the Duke the biggest, hardest middle finger she could muster while she was suffering from hypothermia's first stages. Of course her freak of nature bodyguard was sitting on the ceiling. Just– of fucking course, he was! How the shit did he even do that?!

"That's fifteen-nil, in my favor." And then he was on the ground, crouched in front of her. His stupid not-cute – oh, who was she kidding, it was so fucking cute and she wished she had one like it – tail wriggled about behind him like a racing ferret as he gave her a grin. "So, you still think head slaps are the worst I can do?"

"F-F-Fuck y-you."

The back of her head still throbbed from the morning of borderline abuse she suffered whenever he 'caught' her. The first five times where she tried to ignore him were the worst. It was only after the fifth time that he offered to not be as obvious about his job if she could escape his sight for a solid five minutes, anytime between then and noon, that she tried taking it more seriously.

"That's what I thought." He offered his hand and after deliberating it while giving him the darkest glare she could muster, she accepted his offer. He hoisted her to her feet and then put his thumb on her forehead. "Hold still, still working the kinks out with this."

Okay, that's one way to dry off instantly. The rest of the hall was a mess now, though.

"You do realize my Father has a Grimoire that could have accomplished what you just did without the explosive end, don't you?" She asked, taking in the splotches of neon that were spread around the hall.

"Yeah, but...I think the hallway needed some color." Naruto grinned down at her. He plucked her beanie off of her head and ruffled her feathers – Prick – before the cap was put back. "So, are you done 'dying' now?"

"Fucking, yes. I'm done being the focus of your immaturity." She groused with crossed arms. A claw tapped on her beak and her bodyguard grinned at her.

"Our immaturity. I saw you smi-ling." Octavia glared at him. She was not fucking smiling and even if she was, he couldn't–when did he take that picture?! Four minutes ago?! Oh, the absolute amount of teeth in his smile was too fucking much! "Yeah, you take too long scanning your surroundings. Don't worry, that's going to be something we work on this week."

"How th-When-Delete that!" She grabbed for the phone, only for it to be hoisted out of her reach.

"Absolutely not! Did you see how wide and adorable that smile was! Nah, this is gonna be your contact pic," he said, grinning as he messed with his phone, likely to do just that. Well, okay, that wasn't so bad. Octavia could live with the Duke of Gluttony having a picture of her grinning like she's an owlet. He'd be the only one who saw it, so that was okay.

"Oh, wait. Almost forgot something." He tapped a few more times on his phone. "Annnnd sent."

Whoosh.

Sent? What the fuck did that mean...? Wait. Wait a fucking second. No. No! He wouldn't fucking dare. No, no-no-no! The first thing her father will do is post that picture on Voxtagram! And then he'll tag her in it! NO!

"Yeah, I'm contractually obligated to send any particularly adorable pictures to the parents of anyone under the age of eighteen. What Hellborn doesn't like seeing their precious baby be a mischievous little devil?" Naruto grinned at her, all teeth, while his stupid too-cute-for-its-own-good tail wriggled around behind him. "Your father will be so happy."

Ah, so he's chosen death then? Very well.

"I'm going to take that phone and make you break up with your stupid girlfriend over text!" She hissed. His smile didn't break, but once she made true on her words—

"Hate to break it to you, Princess, but I don't have a girlfriend."

Bull-shit! He'd been looking at his phone almost every other glimpse she had of him. Probably waiting for a sex pic or something. Like he was now.

"Oh yeah, then who is Charlie?" She countered with a scowl. She remembered that phone call, it wasn't like she was her father or her mother, who had very narrow-minded attention spans.

"My pseudo-niece."

"...What?" Octavia furrowed her brow. She hissed when he patted her on her knit-cap covered head.

"Silly little Owl child, use the brain that I know you have." She glared at him, as if she was going to give him the satisfaction of wasting more than the time she spoke with him any attention. "Very well, allow me to spell it out by riddle." This fucking monster. "I'm a notable member of Hell's Court, a member of its House of Sin. I'm very active in the Pride Ring. And Charlie is short for my name. Who am I?"

Despite her desire to not humor his antics, Octavia mulled the riddle over. Her jaw popped open and her eyes went wide as she stared at her bodyguard.

"You we're on the phone with Princess fucking Morningstar?!"

"Well, I dunno what her body count is, but she does have a girlfriend who I'd guess she probably treats like a princess." Octavia felt her face burn as her bodyguard hummed. "But yes, well deduced, Octavia. Now, c'mon, it's about lunchtime and I think I can teach the cooks how to make Ramen."

"What the fuck even is ramen?"

A thick, acrid miasma filled the hallway with the smell of ozone. Glowing white eyes turned to her and a shiny black, almost chiton-like material began to spread across parts of his body. Three blue dots sprouted through the Seal on his headband, glowing almost as bright as the eyes in his sockets. One of the black and orange arms grabbed her shoulders and Octavia flinched.

As suddenly as it started to appear, the miasma and altered appearance were gone, and her bodyguard stood, a tight smile on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Of all the things I will teach you in this trial week, this has just become the most important of lessons." Before she could think to say a word of protest, Octavia was hoisted onto his shoulders and he pointed toward the kitchens. "Quickly, we must make haste before another second passes!"

And then they shot off.

Why were adults so fucking stupid and weird?!


(Do you want it to be one?)

Lying in her bed, Loona stared at the screen of her phone, the message box enlarged for her to type. She still hadn't responded yet, and with good fucking reason. Getting mixed up with nobility was not in her life plans; for all the shit talked about them, the part where they tended to forget about the smaller people wasn't too far off. The ones in the orphanages that just wanted a home; the ones fending for survival in the streets; the damned souls that were wiped on a yearly basis — alright, she didn't give a shit about that last group. She may have an axe to grind about orphanages and street life, though. It might've only been a month before she was hauled into a 'care' facility, but that was considered lucky.

Prostitution life avoided, lucky fucking Loona.

(Do you want it to be one?)

"Fuck," she growled and flopped her head back on her pillows, an arm over her eyes. She wasn't sure how to answer that. Was it the subtle trap of a secretive selfish Noble? Was it an innocent inquiry from the idiot she spent a night with? Did it really matter either way, or was she looking for a reason to say "no" again? Ugh, going over it in her head wouldn't get her anywhere, she needed another soundboard.

She couldn't ask her fucking coworkers; Fatty and Millie were private about their pasts, and they respected her own privacy when their jobs weren't on the line. She felt it was fair to give them the same fucking courtesy.

Blitzø? Fuck that. Not only did he keep cursing Naruto out after he fucking let the dumb Imp motherfucker off with a goddamn slap on the wrist, but he did so while counting out the contents of the five fucking literal suitcases of money that bought him off.

Which he'd been doing for the past fucking day. Which meant he wasn't taking calls for jobs. Which meant she had to actually schedule fucking appointments all fucking day. Which left her with little time to herself until when she got home, and left her in her current fucking situation. So yeah, her dad's bias was more than fucking apparent.

Morningstar, er, Charlie, was another no-go. The Princess of Hell was biased as fuck — apparently, she thought Loona and Naruto were a cute couple; Loona refused to admit if and how fast her tail wagged at the thought — and she kind of dropped the ball in regards to the whole situation yesterday. That girl was the fucking daughter of Lucifer and needed to grow a fucking spine!

"I need more friends." Loona growled as she raked a claw down her face. Then sighed and lifted her phone back up. "Well, when in fucking doubt; look to the internet."

Twenty minutes of mindless searches and scrolling later, and she was still stuck at square one. Ugh, if only she knew someone who wasn't biased and kind of understood what she was going through.

Wait. Loona perked an ear up and went through her contacts. Did she manage to-yep, the weird purple cyclops that was dating Morningstar was there under Purple-Eye-WTF. She should probably change that after this call. If she answered—oh, answered on the first ring? That's a great sign about how her life is going.

"Look, I don't want whatever the fuck you're selling, so fuck off." Huh, blunt and to the point. She might actually be able to get along with this chick.

"Good, because I didn't want to fucking sell you anything." Loona snarked back. There was a brief pause.

"The fu—Oh, right, you're the Hellhound that called Charlie yesterday." She felt a little special, being remembered as that Hellhound. "You're not trying to chew her out through me are you? She couldn't have known—"

"Wow, very pessimistic." Although an interesting idea, no, Loona had an agenda. "Look, so, you know Naruto-"

"Hang on a sec—" the phone was muffled on the other end but still audible. "Charlie, what the fuck are you doing?! …Dazzle, get her down from there! No, I don't care how crooked the chandelier looked, you have no reason to climb up there! …Well maybe if either of us had fucking wings then I wouldn't be so pissed! ..I'm only shouting because you freaked me out!"

Shit, Loona would've grabbed snacks if she knew she was going to get a free audio show.

"Please stay on the ground while I finish this phone call. It's that Hellhound, Loom or something—Wait, no! Shit, Charlie, get-!" Huh, that sounded like Spanish. There was a rustle and then a new voice.

"Loona! I'm so-so-so sorry! I tried to talk him into getting my help, I promise-!"

Huh, maybe she should just shoot Morningstar a text saying they were square.

"Charlie, give me my phone back! She's not even calling about that!"

Another minute of half-finished apologies followed before the cyclops managed to wrangle the phone free.

"Fuck, sorry about that. Uh, she feels bad, I guess."

"No shit." Loona snorted. She shifted her phone and sat up in her bed. "So, anyway, about my question?"

"About that estupido Zorro? What do you want to know, because Charlie would be better to ask-?"

"I…Look, the first time we met he asked me out and I said no."

"Naturally."

"Fucking, right? It wasn't creepy or anything, just-"

"Off-putting, surprising, too sudden, and blunt?"

Loona's brow furrowed before she groaned into her hand.

"Did Charlie-?"

"Do the same fucking thing the same fucking way? Yeah." The other girl snorted. "Not 'same day same time', but way sooner than I fucking expected. So, you turned him down, now what? Upset you missed your shot at bagging moneybags and friendzoned him?"

"Fuck no." She could give two shits about how much money someone had, as long as they weren't total fucking assholes about it. And she did not friendzone him—fuck, did she? "It's-he asked if I wanted to do something Saturday, through text." Loona felt her ears burn. "And I said 'it's a date'."

"Oof. Poor choice of words."

"Yeah, well, I wasn't even fucking thinking about it." Loona growled.

"Obviously." This bitch was so fucking lucky."So, what, is he assuming it is then?"

"No, I don't think so." She felt her tail curl around her ankles as she brought her chin to her knees. "He asked if I wanted it to be one."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well, do you?"

"Do I what?"

"Dios—Do you.. want it ..to be ..a date?" She reiterated, slowly.

"..I.." Loona shook her head and scowled again while she played with the tip of her tail. "That's not why I'm calling. What if this is a-?"

"Trap, a trick, a ploy? Then fucking deal with it when it happens." Right, because it was that simple. Her huff must've been audible because there was another smattering of Spanish — maybe the word 'puppy', what the fuck? — before she heard an aggravated growl. "Look, I barely fucking know you, and I barely fucking like him, but if there's one thing Charlie and I agreed on, its that you two like each other. What's the worst that comes of it? He turns out to be a polygamist with four other side-bitches?" Loona felt her lips curl at the thought and her tail tightened around her legs. "Newsflash, Bitch, you're in Hell; sixty-five percent of the people here are like that, about three percent are pretty decent, and then there's the fucking rest of the bunch who just fucking suck."

That…Was a fair point. It wasn't like Loona herself was a saint. Her lack of sexual partners was more due to Blitzø playing a fucking masterful game of interference than it was a lack of desire. Shit, she was so close to getting in on a ménage a trois last Sinsmas, and then Blitzø fucking crashed that party. She needed to get back at him for that. The scheming for that could wait, she had to get back to the problem at hand.

"Did you feel any pressure to say yes when Morning-er, When Charlie asked you out?"

"Well, fuck. That's—I mean, I did, but probably not for the same reasons you do." Huh, that was curious. She was a Sinner, right? Just smelled like spoiled chicken? Whatever, that was semantics. "I still did it, because I wanted it, and you know what? I don't regret a fucking second of it."

"Aww! Vaggie! I love you, too!"

Loona snorted as another hushed altercation occurred over the other line. She looked at the tip of her tail pinched between her claws and chewed her lip.

"Fuck," she sighed and rubbed her face. "I'm going to regret this: Thanks for the help, both of you."

"You're welcome!"

"Yeah whatever. Next time you call, make it a worthwhile reason instead of your bullshit personal drama."

"Vaggie, c'mon, be nice!"

"No."

"Bitch." Loona scoffed around a laugh and hung up. She opened her messenger app and looked at the foreboding text that lingered there.

(Do you want it to be one?)

Loona stared at it before she brushed some of her hair out of her eyes. Her thumbs danced across the screen and pressed on 'send' before she could overthink it again. She flopped back on her bed and let her phone rest on her stomach until it chirped an alert that the message was read.

(Did I fucking stutter?)

Loona waited with baited breath. Was that too sarcastic? Too obtuse? Too direct? Fuck, why didn't anyone hand out manuals to this whole maybe-start-a-relationship thing? Fuck, fuck, fuck, she just told herself not to overthink it—She jumped when her phone whined and almost threw it up into the air when she lifted it to see the response.

(Wear something comfortable)

If capable of it, Loona's entire head would have burst into fire. Her tail whipped around so fast she thought it might snap off. Her lips pulled back into a wide smile as she let her eyes drift close and cradled her phone on her chest, just like she had a certain Foxfiend pillow a week or so ago. Blitzø would wake her a few hours later from a great dreamless sleep. She'd eat a larger portion of dinner than normal, and her tail would be whipping about non-stop. By the time she retired for bed, she'd looked back at the message no less than ten more times.

The rest of the week couldn't go by fucking fast enough.


(Wear something comfortable)

Naruto sat on the edge of the weight bench that resides within the rarely used in-house gym. He was half through with his routine — Octavia was in the midst of a lesson on astrology, being supervised by no less than three of his clones and some fussy pompous demon prick older than their bloodlines — when Loona's response came through. Sarcastic and crude it might have been, it wasn't an outright no.

Briefly though he knew her, he figured Loona would have just said 'no' if she didn't want it to be a date.

Naruto stared at his sent message for another moment before he set his phone to the side and let his claws rake over his head. The slight sting of broken flesh told him it was real. This wasn't a dream, it was fucking real. His tail whipped about like a twister and the way his lips pulled up into his face hurt.

It stopped when a thought occurred.

Loona knew he was a member of Bee's House.

What if she only accepted because of that? He knew how power-hungry demons could be; he knew the weight his name carried in the circles of Hellborn and Sinners alike. Worse, what if she thought he wasn't giving her an option? No, that didn't make sense, he accepted her answer last time and they'd platonically slept together since then.

Loona wasn't an idiot like he could be, but that brought back the first concern: was she saying yes because of his status? He wanted to say that wasn't the case, but he couldn't be sure. He'd have to wait and see what Saturday brought.

Fuck, first things first, he had to get the location he wanted squared away.

Please don't be having sex with Vore-Tex. Please don't be having sex with Vore-Tex. Please don't be having sex with Vore-Tex, he implored as he picked his phone back up and pressed on Bee's contact information. First ring? Okay, good sign. That meant she wasn't screwing her boyfriend...at the moment. Naruto cautiously held the phone just a bit away from his ear–Nope, still too loud.

"Baby Bro!" Well, she sounded like she was having fun at least, but then, when didn't she? "What's up? Already missing your usual goodnight hug from big sis Bee? And here I'd thought after last week you'd gotten past that with a little bit of Beelzejuice aid."

"Well, it also helps to know how easily I can go to sleep without my ribs feeling like they were crushed." He shot back with a smirk as he leaned back on the bench. The gasp on the other end gave way to snickers.

"Bitch."

"Fuck off."

"So, what'd you want? I'm in the middle of something, you're fucking lucky you caught me at a good time."

"I appreciate you not telling me what sort of disgusting carnal act you're performing with your fuck-toy-boyfriend." A lesson he learned early that helped him keep his relative sanity? Always praise his over-sharing sister for withholding information. The 'Shirtless Satan' incident was not to be repeated if he could help it.

"Nah, that got boring about two hours ago. He's still recovering from the night you stayed out."

"TMI." Naruto deadpanned. Bee snorted over the line.

"You'll jerk off to it; I know I will." The things his 'sister' said to him, Naruto just didn't understand her sometimes. He had to repress those thoughts later and deal with her right now. "Nah, I'm redecorating! The lounge needed a new light scheme for the next party night."

"Cool. That's only, what, the eight-hundredth time you've redecorated for one party? You need more hobbies, Bee."

"Alright, smartass, then what did you call for?"

"I need access to C.H.R. Fifteen: 'The Garden' on Saturday and a pass for a guest." He could just hunt a meal during a walk there. People still hunted together, right? Or was that the last life's courtship he was thinking about?

"I mean, sure? What, are you going to record some fucking action shots for a commercial or something?"

"...Yes." Naruto lied, expertly. The last thing he needed was for Bee to know exactly how yesterday went. He may not have won Blitzø over, but he paid him off, and that was a weighty investment from his personal savings. It didn't break the bank, but he wasn't keen on it being lower than the amount it was. Especially if he was going into the dating scene; he'd heard enough of drunk Vore-Tex's horror stories of the early dates with Bee.

Thoughts of such horror were shunted aside when Bee snorted.

"You're so fucking adorable sometimes." He was not going to dignify that with a response. "Alright, sure, I'll get some hours set aside for you. Anything else?"

"Uh, no. Nope. That's pretty much it."

"Cool…" ...Uh-oh, she was still on the line and it got quiet. He didn't like where this was going. "So, then, do I have to ask what the fuck happened yesterday or am I just eating random fucking Imps off of the street for the next few days until I get the right one?"

Oh, shit. She knew about it.

"You, uh, you watched Channel 666 yesterday?" If that was the case, it was a fucking miracle she hadn't stormed the Goetia compound with 'Hounds and Honey at the ready.

"No, but I'm going to find the VoxTube video of it to see what the fuck actually happened. I've gotten messages from fucking Luci–" Of course! Of course it was the fucking Devil himself! Fucking Lucifer kept screwing him over, and it was for no goddamn reason! If ever there was someone Naruto wanted to put in the fucking dirt more, let them get a fucking pass so he can put the Douchifer in the ground first! "–About your new business stirring shit up and interrupting his projects. All he said was that I needed to keep an eye out for Imp, whatever the fuck that means! So, I reiterate, are you gonna explain?"

"...Okay, look, it was a huge misunderstanding and I handled it. It won't happen again." There, the problem was solved. She had no reason to go on a 'Binger'.

"It's resolved, huh? Just like fucking that?"

"...Pretty much, yeah." Naruto was pretty fucking sure that as soon as that payoff dwindled to scrap cash, or he got word of their date this saturday, Blitzø would go on the fucking war path again. Hence, why the only thing he thought about next was a mantra: Buy it. Buy it. Buy it. Buy it. Buy it.

"Okay, so what was the fucking misunderstanding?"

"...Uhh…" Clever, dammit, be clever! Think! What is the last thing you should say in this scenario, and then say the opposite of that! "The Imp thought I kidnapped his daughter, went on a total rampage. I stopped him though – There, see, I just saved you like five minutes of your free time, so you don't need to watch the video!"

"...How'd you stop him?"

Fucking, what was this? The Interrogation Hour on Radio Demon Nightly?!

"A little bit of misdirection and uh, clones."

"...So there wasn't a massive explosion that knocked the camera crew off of their feet?"

...She was watching it right the fuck now...That cheating bitch! Fuck, he couldn't lie his way out of this one, dammit!

"Well, now, I didn't say that. Don't go putting words in my mouth."

"Naru-Lzebub," fuck, no, not the full name! "Give me one fucking reason to leave the Imp in this fucking video alone."

"I–"

"If he's still alive, you didn't fucking take care of it. Try again. Last chance."

FUCK.

Dammit, that meant he had to tell the truth. Ugh, the ammo she was going to have from this...Naruto slumped back to lay flat on the workout bench and draped an arm over his face.

"He's the father of the girl I got drunk with and spent the night with."

"Wait, hold on, what?! You got drunk with a girl? And spent the night with her?!"

"You say that like there wasn't a chance of that happening." Naruto moved his arm to glare at the ceiling. There was silence for once on the other end. He snarled and sat up. "Come on, what the fuck Bee!?"

"I mean, you get hung up on a lot of shit, Baby Bro. I thought you got wasted and slept it off with a fellow crybaby."

"Fuck you!"

"Bitch, I would, but you can't handle any of this!"

"Ugh, there is not enough therapy in existence to deal with you!" Naruto groaned as Bee laughed. He rubbed his face and sighed. "Look, be honest with me–"

"Show me the same fucking courtesy and I might."

"Fu–" He swallowed the knee jerk reaction that he almost spat out. He took a deep breath and worked his jaw. "Bee. Seriously. Do not go on a 'Binger'. I handled the Imp thing. I'm fine. My charge is fine. No one was hurt. Please, trust me and let me do this."

"...Fuck, be so fucking adorable about it." Let it slide, Naruto. There's more at stake right now than your fucking pride...just prank her later. Bee, unaware of the vengeance that would be fucking wrought upon her, sighed. "Fine! The Imp lives. For now. But if anything else happens this week..!"

"Please." Naruto scoffed. "Nothing will happen. It's the fucking Pride Ring."

"Alright...But I'm giving you a serious Vibe Check when you get home."

"Sure, whatever." He sighed. "And Bee? Thanks for the pass to 'The Garden'."

"Of course, Baby Bro." Bee's smile was audible, her sweet nature back in full force. "I can't wait to meet that friend of yours you're bringing over."

...Fuck. He hadn't even thought about that. Before he could argue further, the call ended. He stared at his phone and slumped down onto the weight bench again.

"Fuck my life." He growled before he raked his fingers over his eyes. "No. It's fine. It's all good. There is no fucking way this week could get any worse."


AN: ...Spoiler alert, it gets worse. Well, only slightly. Not much better at the workfront, but at least I'm off tomorrow. I guess I'll just write the next few chapters while people blow their hands off and go back in Friday to see how that shitshow goes.

Happy Independence Day Eve motherfuckers!

Annnd remember, it's just fucking Fan-Fiction.

AN2: Thank you, Sly Dragneel, for the callout!