CHAPTER 5: Love Me, Love Me

After a week or two, Naruto was visiting Gaara.

"Haha, take that, loser," Naruto laughed childishly as he totaled Gaara's car in a racing game.

Gaara rolled his eyes and chuckled at his friend's enthusiasm. They played a few more rounds, kicking each other's butts in a virtual world. When Naruto lost, he threw the controller away in frustration, but the times he won, he cheered like a world champion.

"You're so silly," Gaara said with a smile.

"Yeah, but that's why you like me," Naruto grinned and batted his eyes like a model.

"Sure," Gaara chuckled. It sure was nice hanging around with his friend, having a guys' night, just like in good old times.

"Say, Gaara," Naruto started, and suddenly sounded pensive, "Are you dating anyone?"

"Yeah," Gaara said, and started another round of the game.

"Oh, okay," Naruto responded, sounding disappointed. The way he played the game seemed unenthusiastic and Gaara easily won the round.

As Gaara looked at Naruto, a familiar feminine presence made itself known inside of him. Internally panicking, Gaara tried to force the inappropriate feeling away. These emotions had no place in this evening, in this friendship.

However, the presence within made itself at home and stared at the blond, handsome man. Gaara felt a difference in his facial muscles, and panicked that he might be wearing an inappropriate look on his face. He wanted this strange feeling to cease. Instead, he got a phantom feeling of breasts he didn't have. He pouted, and swung his head like he had a ponytail. He froze. What if Naruto would notice?

"Is everything alright?" Naruto asked, as Gaara hadn't started another round and refused to look at him.

"Super fine, no worries, heh," Gaara responded. Slyly, he turned to Naruto, eyeing him from head to toe. "Why would it matter to you if I'm dating anyone or not?"

"Er… I… I was just wondering… for a friend."

"Nah, I've seen all your friends. Forget it," Gaara rejected, and inspected his nails femininely.

"Come on, eh, she… she's really nice, and I'm sure you guys would hit it off really well," Naruto probed.

Gaara rolled his eyes. Or were they hers? Gaara knew she wasn't interested in women, and the only person she felt interested in was the clueless blondie. In Gaara's mind, she sighed.

"Sorry, not interested in her," Gaara responded, slightly annoyed.

"Oh, okay. It's your loss, then. But if you change your mind, do let me know," Naruto said with a little smile.

"Oukie doukie."

"Cool. I just want the best for you, you know?"

"I know. Too bad I'm already committed to someone", Gaara avoided, stopping at how wrong it felt to say it aloud. As conflicting as it felt like, this part of him didn't feel like it was dating Kiba.

"Can I ask how long you guys have been dating?" Naruto inquired.

"For over half a year," Gaara shrugged.

"Oh, okay. It's just, I mean, that's wonderful!" Naruto changed his tone from stammery to somewhat cheerful. "I had no idea, though, you've kept me in the dark, bro."

"I know, bro," Gaara admitted, uneasy.

"Can I ask who it is that got your heart?" Naruto grinned, unable to erase all melancholy from his tone of voice.

"Oh, you don't know h-her," Gaara kept secretive, not feeling safe enough to tell the truth about his boyfriend.

There was a wistful look in Naruto's ocean blue eyes. "Look… We've been friends for a long time already, and I thought I knew you pretty well. But this caught me by surprise. I know you're a private man, Gaara, and I respect that."

"Thanks," Gaara said, feeling uneasy about the topic of love life. It was not something he felt comfortable discussing. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"That friend of yours that you said might be a good match with me… She didn't happen to be Ino, did she? Or are you saving her for yourself?" Gaara asked.

"Oh, n-no, nothing like that. Ino and I… aren't like that," Naruto corrected, caught off guard. "I didn't have her in mind, but if you're interested in her, I can put on a good word for you, bro," Naruto stammered, sounding disappointed.

"Oh, no need, I was just curious. You just seemed to enjoy her company a lot at the party," Gaara pointed out.

"Yeah, she's a nice girl," Naruto agreed.

"You got her favorite profiteroles, she seemed delighted," Gaara went on with a knowing glance.

"That's true, and they were delicious indeed. She has a good taste," Naruto admitted, blushing a bit.

"She does," Gaara agreed, feeling a bit dizzy. "You let me have credit for the way your apartment was organized, a credit I didn't deserve. I'm sorry."

"Hey, no biggie. It was nothing. Everything's alright," Naruto assured. With a mysterious look, he asked, "It just left me wondering, you never replied to my messages back on that day."

The dizziness increased, and suddenly an empty feeling overcame Gaara. His mind was blank, and it felt like all his social skills had diminished. It felt exhausting to hold a conversation, what would he even say?

"I'm sorry."

"Oh, no need to apologize," Naruto said gently, and smiled a little sad smile. "I was just worried, that's all."

"I don't know if I'm worth your worry. I'm sorry," Gaara mumbled, and noticed how the outlines of his body were back to normal again.

"Hey, it's alright, no worries," Naruto assured, and quickly squeezed Gaara's hand in a friendly way.

Naruto started another round of the game, and silence fell over them. As they played a few rounds, it gave Gaara time to relax. His memories were blurred when he tried to get back to the day when Naruto had sent those messages. It scared him that he couldn't coherently approach the past. All he got was vague feelings of anxiety and threat, whose root he couldn't figure out.

"Man, I think it's time for me to head back home," Naruto groaned reluctantly, as he glanced at the clock.

"It's been fun," Gaara smiled.

"Yeah, it was," Naruto smiled back.

Oh how sunny he was. Cerulean eyes and hair like golden meadows.

In a blink, Gaara felt like he was all feminine again, as if he had always been like this, he simply couldn't remember a different state of being. If ever had he thought that he was something else, someone else, it simply had to be just a mistake. This was his true self, and everything else had to have been just his imagination.

"Hey, um," Gaara stammered shyly.

Naruto perked up, and Gaara bit her lip, feeling suddenly self-conscious.

"I'm sorry the messages weren't responded to," the redhead told, a little panicky. "I didn't mean to leave you in trouble. I wanted to help. Something came up. I really like spending time with you, Naruto, and I wish there was something I could do to fix things."

"Hey, it's alright, there's no need to fix anything, as everything is fine, I promise," Naruto assured gently.

"You promise?" Gaara asked, holding his breath.

"I promise," Naruto chuckled, and grinned, "Did you know you're cute when you're looking at me like that?"

"I do?" Gaara wondered, enhancing his expression even more. It got Naruto to chuckle gently, and his blue eyes twinkled.

"Now you're doing that on purpose," he knew.

"I am?" Gaara continued playfully.

"You gotta stop it, I'm not immune to such cuteness," Naruto grinned. "With a look like that, you'll get everything forgiven."

"I'm happy to hear that," Gaara cooed, and batted his eyelashes. "I just want things to be alright between you and I. I was worried, you know?"

"There's no need to worry. I promise," Naruto assured. His eyes twinkled when he looked at his friend, and there was a slight blush on his cheeks.

"That's amazing," Gaara smiled, and hugged him good. After a second, Naruto hugged him back. To have Naruto in his arms, felt just amazing, it felt right. He didn't want to let go, but he did, as he didn't want it to start feeling awkward.

Infinite joy was filling Gaara up, and he couldn't even fathom what anxiety felt like. He was healthy and social, and his childhood and life had been happy. World was full of possibilities, and he was certain that he would be welcomed with open arms to every place he would choose to go, because his charming nature would work its magic on people's hearts.

"If you want a ride home, I'd be happy to drive you," Gaara offered. "It's getting dark, and it might be raining already. Also, you live on the other side of the town."

"That would be too much, and I'd hate to bother you like that," Naruto declined, and lifted up his bag from the floor.

"Nonsense. I'll drive you home, it's the least I can do," Gaara told, and put his hands on his hips.

"Well, alright, you win this time," Naruto surrendered.

On their way to the front door, they bumped into Kankuro.

"Oh, hey Naruto, nice to see you," the brunet greeted.

"Nice to see you too, my man," the blond responded.

"I'm giving Naruto a ride home," Gaara said, "I'll be back in a bit."

"Oh, take your time, you guys," Kankuro only said, and evaluated them mysteriously. The way his little brother was glancing towards the blond with a happy aura around him, made him smile knowingly. "Drive safely, guys."


"You wanna come in and have some tea?" Naruto asked, when they arrived in the parking lot of his apartment building.

"It's getting late," Gaara noted, but when he looked at the twinkly blue eyes and golden hair, he lost all resistance.

At Naruto's place, the blond was immersed in preparing tea. From the corner of his eye, he kept on glancing at his redheaded friend. Gaara was silently sitting at the kitchen table, legs crossed, inspecting his nails. When his eyes were cast down like that, those black rims around his eyes looked even more prominent. His fiery red hair was shining under the lamp, like a setting sun.

As was common, he was wearing black from head to toe. Such a color of secrecy really suited him, for it gave nothing away.

"Here's some green tea for the man in black," Naruto quipped as he served the supper.

"And sandwiches?" Gaara noticed.

"Are you surprised that I can make sandwiches?" Naruto chuckled, amused.

"No, I didn't mean it like that," Gaara quickly corrected, waving his hands in a panicked way. "I just didn't realize you'd be making sandwiches for someone like me."

Naruto raised his brow in a questioning manner. "Er, of course I'd be making sandwiches for you. You're my friend, Gaara."

"Oh, okay. It just feels so special, and I appreciate it," the redhead thanked.

"You're welcome," Naruto responded, and sat down across from his friend.

Small bite by bite, Gaara ate his sandwich, and it reminded Naruto of a squirrel. It was cute, and what made it even more endearing, was that Gaara seemed to be unaware of it all.

"Hey Gaara," Naruto started softly, "Would you like to someday come over and cook together?"

"Oh, I'd love to," Gaara got excited, and almost fidgeted from joy.

It got Naruto to chuckle, seeing his friend so excited.

"Recently I saw this recipe of nachos and salad on a pizza, it looked delicious," Gaara informed animatedly.

"Really? Well, we must try that out, then," Naruto decided, with a small smile.

"Sure. How about this weekend?" Gaara suggested, as it was now Thursday.

"This weekend sounds great," Naruto confirmed happily. "If I get the pizza supplies, would you bring the nachos and the salad ingredients?"

"It's a deal," Gaara agreed. "Should we watch a movie while we eat?"

"Absolutely. There's this one action movie I've been dying to see, and I'd be happy to share it with you," Naruto got excited.

"I'd love to see it with you," Gaara grinned.


In the dimly lit hall, Gaara was putting on his jacket. His heart fluttered and felt heavy at the same time. Fluttered, because being around Naruto was an immense joy. Heavy, because even though he could feel his body was all feminine, he knew that to any outsider, it looked like a man's body.

Naruto was looking at him like that again, and it made his stomach flutter. As if there were sparks between them. Surely, Naruto had to be feeling it, too?

"It still catches me by surprise that you got engaged without telling me," Naruto murmured.

Gaara blushed. "We're not engaged, it's not on that level, you know."

"Well soon you'll be," Naruto predicted.

"It's not a given. It's not like that," Gaara tried to explain.

"How come? Is her family horrible, or is there something else?" Naruto's blue eyes were serious again, and Gaara wanted to drown in them. If only…

"It's just… we haven't known for a long time yet, and I can't be sure where things will lead," Gaara avoided.

"Surely you know it in your heart, what to do," Naruto murmured, with a sad little smile.

Gaara flashed a smile, and hugged Naruto. The redhead lingered in the hug, letting his head rest on his friend's shoulder. Naruto was taller than him, he was warm and smelled of musk and vanilla. It always felt safe around him.

"You have to get home," Naruto reminded him, but kept his arms around Gaara.

"I know I do," the redhead sighed.

"Please follow your heart. I know it will lead you in the right direction," Naruto murmured cryptically.

Gaara lifted his head to look at him, and the gentle way Naruto gazed at him melted his heart. There was a blush on Naruto's face, and almost a smile, too, as if he was too scared to let his joy blossom. The blond looked thrilled and pained at the same time.

"You tell me to follow my heart," Gaara murmured back, "But do you practice as you preach? Do you follow your heart, Naruto?"

"My heart has strange wishes. I may not surrender to all of them," Naruto only whispered, and caressed Gaara's cheek gently. The redhead leaned into the touch, and closed his eyes. He was sure that the blond had to be feeling the spark, too. Maybe Naruto truly saw him for who he was, a girl within a man's body. Maybe Naruto had seen this side of him all along, and was welcoming him with open arms. Naruto stopped caressing his cheek, and Gaara leaned his head against his friend's shoulder once more.

Naruto was quiet, as if he was holding back his thoughts. After a long time, he finally spoke in a comforting tone: "I only want the best for you, Gaara. If you hesitate, it's alright to take a time out. I know you will find the right girl for you."

Gaara was still in his friend's arms, but when he heard the last of Naruto's words, something dropped inside of him, and the magic disappeared. Hastily, he peeled free from Naruto's embrace and straightened his clothes.

"You're right. The right woman will come along," Gaara muttered, feeling vulnerable and bare. Once again, he felt like a broken and hopeless individual, with a lot more closed doors than opportunities ahead. Naruto was successful and charming, and he would not see Gaara as anything but one of his friends.

Internally, Gaara shuddered. He had just spent an indecently long moment in his friend's embrace, acting like a lovesick fool, what must've Naruto think of him now? Head hung in shame, Gaara furiously fumbled his pockets in search of car keys.

"Hey, it was nice spending time with you. It's getting late. You could always stay the night, if you don't want to drive in the middle of the night?" Naruto suggested.

Gaara stared at him hollowly. What was that again? Just moments ago, there was that magical moment with his feminine part around, that got broken by the innuendo of rejection, a reminder of heteronormativity, and now his friend was asking him to stay the night? Gaara listened to his soul closely. It was quiet there. He asked if she - or anyone - was around, if she wanted to spend the night, but there was no one there.

It was just Gaara, feeling hollow and confused by the mixed signals. Or maybe the signals were perfectly clear, but he himself was confused, and couldn't read them correctly.

In any case, the idea of spending the night on Naruto's couch felt awkward, and the image of them sharing a bed made him uneasy. Naruto was his long-time friend, and he harbored no romantic feelings for him.

"Thanks for the offer, Uzumaki, but I have to get going," he declined, and looked at his friend. He could not understand what he, or she, or whoever, had seen in Naruto just moments ago. It felt crazy, to be infatuated by him. It had to be a mistake. Gaara's brow furrowed. His feelings for Naruto were nothing but platonic, and he was certain Naruto felt the same.

"Good night," Gaara bid.

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," Naruto chimed in, and there was yet again that sad little smile, and that sorrowful look in his eyes.

With his brow furrowing even more, Gaara wanted to slap him to stop being so complicated and confusing. Gaara wanted things to be logical and clear, and the messy labyrinth that seemed to be Naruto's psyche, clearly didn't fit his ideal.

Letting the matter be, Gaara closed the door, and disappeared into the night.


"Hey, do you want some coffee?" Kankuro asked, as Gaara returned back home.

"It's half past midnight," Gaara looked at him unbelievingly. "Don't tell me you're having caffeine at this hour?"

"Well, I couldn't sleep," Kankuro shrugged.

"And you thought coffee would help?" Gaara squinted.

"Hey, it doesn't affect me," the older of the brothers defended. "Anyway, you sure took your sweet time driving Naruto home."

Gaara shot him an angry glare, and Kankuro almost choked on his coffee.

"Let's not talk about Naruto for a while," the redhead seethed through gritted teeth. "He's manipulative and cruel, and I couldn't care less!"

"Oh, o-okay," Kankuro said, and took a long sip of his coffee. "Didn't know he had a side like that in him."

"He has," Gaara confirmed, and crossed his arms. "He's the worst."

"Sorry to hear that," Kankuro consoled, and subtly evaluated his brother. "Did something happen?"

"No," Gaara avoided quickly. "Sometimes he just is like that."

"Oh, that's unfortunate," Kankuro dodged, and looked at his little brother empathetically. "Well, what are you going to do? Have you tried talking about it with him?"

"I'm going to hurt him," Gaara only whispered, glaring at his brother.

"Hey, um, maybe…" Kankuro reasoned, until he noticed Gaara was leaving the room. "How are you planning on hurting him?"

Gaara stopped in his tracks. "Where it hurts him the most."

Kankuro sighed and abandoned his coffee cup. "And what would that be?"

"His sense of safety. He's an orphan, and he has a pervasive fear of abandonment and rejection. I'll just have to remind him of his deepest fears, to get him on his knees," Gaara explained.

"Wow, that's a great idea," Kankuro said flatly. "How about we have a good night's sleep and come back to that plan tomorrow?"

"But I'm inspired now," Gaara whined.

"Of course, but as your older brother, I order you to go to bed now. There's plenty of time to hatch plans tomorrow, after work," Kankuro decided.

Reluctantly, Gaara did as he was told.


In the morning, Gaara woke up reluctantly to his alarm going off. The hurt and shame from last night washed over him like a wind through a graveyard. Defeatedly, he fumbled his phone and managed to turn off the alarm.

Hours of the day crawled forward in mute apathy. Fury melted into sorrow. After work, he shopped for the nachos and salad ingredients anyway, just in case the sun would emerge from behind the clouds. A small bottle of ouzo and some lime-flavored soda were reserved for his Friday night's plans.

After dropping the groceries home, he headed to Kiba's.

No surprise there, his boyfriend was in the middle of a gaming session, talking loudly with his friends via his headphones. Gaara had wanted to ask Kiba how his day had been, and open up about his own, but given how Kiba was already engaged in a conversation with his friends, it was futile.

Defeatedly, Gaara mixed some ouzo and lime soda, and snuggled comfortably on the unmade bed. As he sipped his poor man's cocktail, he went through the news feed on his phone in hopes of finding some juicy gossip or drama he could immerse in, just to distract himself from his own life.

"Fuckin' assholes!" Kiba shouted and hammered his desk with his fist, as his team faced apparent misfortune in whatever task they were trying to accomplish. "Die, you little piece of shit!"

It went on like that for a long time. At some point, Gaara discarded his jeans and shirt, in hopes that bare skin would attract Kiba's attention, and lounged now on the bed with only his boxers on. During his third or fourth cocktail, the familiar and pleasant dizziness lingered up to him like a numbing hug.

The heavenly poison paralyzed him to a point he had to lay down on the bed. In the faraway distance, Kiba's loud voice had dimmed down to a non-disturbing instrument. His arms and legs tingled, his head felt dizzy. Within himself, he floated inside the cage of bones and meat. Within himself, he turned and tossed like a spirit, but his body had shut down and lay unmoving.

It felt safe and vulnerable at the same time.

"Hey, babe," carried a sound. It came closer.

Hands sliding up his bare legs, stopping at his waist. Seductive, innuendo clear.

Gaara mumbled yes, when he was asked. Then his boxers were slid off. In his mute, defenseless state, he felt like a prey. Now Kiba was preparing him, and he could feel his lubricated fingers moving inside of him.

Within himself, his spirit floated nervously and let it all happen. Even if he realized the happenings, he wished they would be forgotten once he sobered up.

Afterwards, Kiba was wiping him with a wet cloth. In its own way, it was thoughtful, yet a hidden part of him accused Kiba of covering up the traces.

A blanket was put over his body, it felt nice. But Kiba did not accompany him, instead he went back to his computer.

If Gaara heard it correctly, Kiba said he had visited their local hardware store, too. What a strange detail, as if the person he was talking with, was a local, too. Maybe it was just a dreamlike misunderstanding, a malformed shape of truth caused by intoxication.

"I know, man, I love that show, too. Glad you get me," Kiba smiled at the screen, until another crisis caught his attention. "Oh shit, you're gonna die, and I'm too far away to help. Hey, someone go heal LeoTheGreen, he got hit!"

Despite all the noise and lights, night veiled them. Saturday morning came, and Gaara cracked open his eyes. Kiba smiled a "good morning" at him, and crawled to lay next to him on the messy bed. Soon, he began to snore, and Gaara felt so lonely all over again. Once he had sobered up enough, he took a hasty shower and left.