That evening, he drew the curtains to the bedroom with a distinct sense of defeat, unable to let go of a day that had turned from bad to worse. It was the kind of crushing sequence of events that could rob a person of their drive.
Sienna Mueller's family would never be able to receive the closure they had hoped for after their only daughter's brutal murder. At least not the type of closure that came with watching a killer in prison blues being led away to spend the rest of his sorry days behind bars.
Emilio Vasquez had chosen the coward's way, killing himself with a shotgun blast to the head as they broke down the door to his apartment.
The sight of it had been as disturbing as the moral injustice. And there hadn't been a damn thing Kevin could do about it.
The hunt was over, the case closed, onward to the next homicide.
He wasn't sure why this particular case stood out from the crowd, why it bothered him more than other, similar cases before. Perhaps he'd found himself in a different state of mind this time around, being a proud father of two wonderful children who meant the world to him.
It brought seeing other people's children brutally raped and murdered that much closer to home.
SG was still so little, so fragile in a world full of monsters. And Nicholas Javier…Jesus, what would it take to raise his kids right when there were so many wrongs out there, so many temptations, threats and evil?
Go to sleep, his taxed mind ordered him, and he glanced over at the clock, realizing that midnight was quickly approaching. Jenny was still up, her stomach recovering after a bout with the flu the previous week.
He'd spent most of it at the precinct, working overtime hunting Sienna's killer in hopes of a solid indictment.
But fate had different ideas.
Clenching his jaws, he returned to the living room, joining Jenny who was propped up in the recliner, slowly sipping on a steaming cup of tea, the flowery aroma filling the entire apartment.
"The kids are sound asleep.", he said and received a grateful nod in return.
"At least half of this family is getting some rest.", Jenny replied wearily, then patted the empty seat on the couch next to her, "You look like you're about to fall over."
There was no denying that, Kevin thought and sat down, subconsciously opening the top two buttons of the expensive dress shirt he still wore.
For the longest time, neither one of them said a word; instead, they relished the relative quietness and peace that came with young children sleeping.
Eventually, Jenny cleared her throat and ran a nervous hand through her long blonde mane.
"Hillary told me that her company is hiring security guards…"
Hillary…how much he loathed that name by now. Jenny's sister had made it her lifetime goal to get him to leave the police force, doing so by continuously suggesting alternative, and presumably safer, occupations.
Half the time said opportunities would take him halfway across the city or paid less than what he was making now. Nonetheless, the unsolicited advice continued, making it a weekly topic in the Ryan household.
"Mhm."
He didn't have the energy for that discussion today, even though his mind was longing for a change of scenery, leaving behind the blood and gore, the broken hearts and distraught next-of-kin.
Deep inside, he was desperate for a release from his pent-up frustration, let go of some of the steam he'd been holding inside for weeks. But tonight wasn't the night and Jenny didn't deserve any of the anger about to bubble out of him.
Instead, he bit his lip, letting his silence do the talking in hopes of a change of topic.
After a while, Jenny nervously fidgeted with the wool blanket in her lap, then twirled a loose lock of her hair, before reaching for his hand.
"Kevin, where do you see yourself in ten years?"
The seemingly innocent question was anything but, that much he knew.
As such, he drew in a deep breath, buying some time, before smiling sheepishly.
"Probably suffering from SG's puberty mood swings and saving Nicholas from all the little ladies that want to be his girlfriends. Why?"
With an insecure chuckle, Jenny shook her head, then let her gaze drop to the floor before proceeding.
"That's not what I meant. It's just…how much longer do you want to stay in Homicide? It's a dangerous job, especially for somebody who has a family."
He was getting ready to rebut when she raised her hand to stop him, her eyes welling up with tears.
"You've been kidnapped…shot…trapped in a burning building…beaten. When will it end? And how?"
Kevin felt his heartrate speed up at the eve of a conversation he wasn't ready to have.
Surely, there'd been days he shared Jenny's concerns. How many close calls had he narrowly avoided over the years? How many times had he gotten hurt? Was it fair to drag his family into this, potentially making them targets as well?
The same thoughts had been bugging him for a while, especially when things got too close for comfort. Obviously, the last thing he wanted was for his family to be in danger- or for his kids to grow up without a father.
But he loved his job. And he was great at it- or at least so he thought.
There was no better feeling in the world than to put the bad guys behind bars, stop crime one arrest at a time. And without ever having served in the police force, how could he possibly make Jenny understand that feeling of truly making a difference out on the streets?
Yes, there was violence and death and human dysfunctionality, but what about the brotherhood? The heroism? The deeply altruistic motive that made them get out of bed every morning? What better way to secure his children's futures than by keeping the streets safe?
"It ends when I retire.", he replied quietly, already sensing Jenny preparing to argue so he reached for her hand and kissed her palm gently, meeting those worried eyes with unquestioned certainty, "You don't want me sitting behind a desk and leave this job to somebody else, do you? Who's going to protect the city? And you and the kids? Nobody is going to protect it as fiercely as I am, trust me."
"I know.", she began, but was disrupted by the buzzing of his cell phone on the corner table.
The apology on the tip of his tongue never made it out when Jenny nodded in unspoken understanding, then pulled back as he reached for over, seeing Javi's text message on the display and acknowledging it with a thumbs up.
"Another homicide?", came the tired question from behind and he cocked his head solemnly, then got up and grabbed his blue dress jacket hanging over the dining room chair.
"Somebody got beat to death in Central Park. Javi's already there. I gotta go."
"I know."
There were tears building up in her eyes again that she blinked away as she drew in a ragged breath, waiting until he grabbed his keys before she spoke up again.
"Be safe out there chasing shadows and fighting monsters, Kevin Ryan."
Feeling each word pull on his heart strings a little bit more, he walked over and kissed her on the forehead.
"Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning, Jenny."
With his hands shaking, he walked out and closed the door behind him, heading down the dimly lit corridor to the elevators, feeling the weight of the world weighing him down a little bit more that evening.
