Sweet Russian Tortellini - (Genshin Impact, SI x Fem!Childe Antics)

Liyue, empty cup of tea, it was a morning.

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

Workday, the paperwork was stuffing the desk as usual, my brain was too deep into the shift.

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

Lady Yuheng was upset since Lady Tianquan had another 'brilliant idea'. The budget is getting shaken up for the other posts too. Usual business, still distressing- sent more tea to my boss.

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

Life as a secretary in Liyue following my isekai situation is nothing short of annoying. The pain passed after a year of good work. Zhongli has not retired just yet but... soon. The old man needs his pension AKA his freedom from a bunch of nagging old-speech animal morons. Can't say I fully sympathize, but maybe that's because I am still too young to deal with that shit.

Scribble, scribble, scribble.

Another stack vanished, a new one appeared. Nothing new, the day was going as intended when frequent agent of chaos made an appearance.

Scribble, scribble, scri-

THUD!

Fuck.

"Возлюбленный!"

The door was abused again. I lifted my gaze to greet the intruder, mouth open to tell her to leave and wait as intended- get rewarded by big fat pseudo-Russian tiddies on my face.

Perhaps I forgot to mention one thing: Childe is already there and he is a chick. And no, it's not just a case of slim guy with tiddies, I am talking about a femme fatale with an obsession in trying to stalk the fuck out of me.

I am resilient, but this shit is nuts. Luckily, I didn't stick it inside her. She wanted, but I was as chaste as an eunuch at this point.

"Tartaglia," I flatly called her out, causing the red-haired woman to pull away, her lips pressing in a smug smile, her blue lipstick really concerning. "Our deal-"

"I was bored!" She whined, then smiled giddily. "Did you look at any girls while I was out?"

"Nope, only paper and ink and stamps."

Her grin faltered, and a pout soon replaced it. "Why do you want me to suffer?"

"Why do you want to hurt people so badly?" I asked back and she kept on hugging. The Millelith guards had gotten to the broken door, eyeing the scene with a mixture of 'really?' and 'blink twice if she is hurting' you. I merely nodded, and they left much to the Fatui Harbinger's delight.

"Because I want to prove myself worthy of you, my Возлюбленный~!"

I felt my shoulder sags as I shifted my focus to 'non-dangerous papers' to avoid that I was fired, trialed and potentially executed for showing a foreign agent anything dangerous. I was indeed facing a threat to my existence by letting this toxic relationship happen but... it wasn't like I had a choice.

I had one when I made that comment at the bar, pointing out what Childe was not understanding of the Inazuma perverts calling her all sorts of crude stuff. She was miffed, retaliated against the whistlers and then she stuck to me like a leech.

The shift ended, and it was soon time to leave and... I stopped by Lady Yuheng's office.

"John and... Hello Tartaglia."

"Keqing, you look so stressed!" The taller woman remarked, a devious smile on my face. "You should take some rest before you get wrinkles so young. Also... is your skirt shorter or-"

"Ignore her as usual, Lady Yuheng. She is a provocateur of the highest caliber," I flatly remarked, causing the Harbinger to appear like a child that has been denied candy. "Alas, here is the papers you asked from me."

By proper regulation, I didn't have to do this, but the files that I was handing to my boss were not part of my job- they were part of something greater. Something that had her full attention as she swiped the papers out of my hands as swiftly as humanly possible.

Tartaglia noticed, but she merely rolled her eyes at it. She already saw the content of it despite my assurances to Lady Keqing that no one had seen what was up with it. After all, how embarrassing would it be for Lady Yuheng to be infatuated with Miss Ganyu?

Despite her loud speeches about being 'against relying on the divine', it was clear to me that my boss was kind of fetishizing the idea of banging the 'divine' and Ganyu was hitting all those sweet spots that made the fake cat-girl's neurons activate all at once upon gazing at the half-Qilin.

Walking out of Keqing's office, Tartaglia and I left the Qixing building and were walking around without a plan in mind.

"Oh, we could go to Wanmin. I am feeling kind of hungwy."

"Don't."

"I am paying," She huffed, rolling her eyes as she knew how much I hated her 'Uwu' voice. Whoever taught her that deserved to die a slow and outrageously unpleasant death. "And it's too in the open for me to get handy~."

Would public exposure truly stop this bitch? No. It would not. I didn't even need to ask- this was for any 'naysayers'.

Chef Mao knew of me since I was a frequent client. Same for Childe. He also knew I was a young man struggling with a crazy GF situation. Uncaring of the fact this bitch was not my girlfriend to start with but... I wasn't too tempted to call this out in the open.

'You would want to break my heart, right?' she had once said when I told her to stop spreading lies on the matter.

I sat down, she sat beside me, tits pressed against my arm as I ordered some tofu. She got herself a spicy dish and soon we were enjoying our 'usual date'. Nothing unusual, I was given a 'free meal due to our love' as Tartaglia tended to call this but-

"You have no Mora?"

Today was a different day.

"My apologies. It seems I had... actually forgotten my wallet," A refined voice owned by a tall woman sitting two seats away from us caught our attention. To me, it was an immediate case of recognition while Childe was...

Merely intrigued by her mature beauty.

After all Rex Incognitus is a canon thing and this Zhongli has Tits!

I then remembered I had a crazy stalker sitting beside me and turned my attention back to 'yummy tofu'. For a very long moment, I thought Tartaglia had seen my ogling and had drawn assumptions that this woman, who was in truth a God in disguise, was competition. After all, she still stared at Zhongli and-

"I'll pay for her stuff, Chef Mao."

Her offer sparked interest as Zhongli turned to look at us- no, at Tartaglia and the Snezhnayan grinned.

"And don't worry about repaying me, it's only fair a cute lady gets saved once in a while. My boyfriend definitely approves."

I didn't say anything!

"I see," Zhongli nodded, shifting a bit too close for my tastes as she was now seated right on my other side. "My apologies, this is the first time I visited this part of the Harbor. I am Zhongli."

"Tartaglia, and this quiet one is John. He is my shy cute boyfriend."

I merely nodded my head. Knowing that this was me walking on thin ice by merely being there, sandwiched between the oldest Archon and the most murderous entity in Liyue as of now (barring unsealed Shenhe).

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance and... it's quite rare to find a young couple to wander through simple dates in the city."

"I know, right~?" The Harbinger hugged my arm some more, smiling like a maniac. "He is just the best boyfriend I ever had. He just knows the true me at first glance."

"Yep."

She giggled at my curt agreement, causing Zhongli to hum.

"I see, then... I leave you two at your date. I wish not to further distract you."

"Oh, you did not. It's always interesting to make new acquaintances, especially with someone I have never seen in Liyue."

Something of what Childe said seemed to unnerve Zhongli as she moved fast out of sight. I could tell that Zhongli's acting was not as good as she thought it to be and... the Harbinger seemed to have a lead on who she may actually be.

Rather than tell me something about it, Childe just 'escorted' me home and told me that she had a surprise for the weekend.

So...

Life was back to normal, but now Zhongli was there so... was the plot going to move 'forward' and get this stalker out of my life for good?


AN

This is not as serious as other pieces I wrote. Consider it a genuine 'series of snippets' with some of the canon plot mixed with crack elements. Alas, it's more of a romcom between a good man (prey) and his crazy girlfriend (predatorially insane).

Also, most chapters will be extra short to add more to the substance and lack of 'weight'. As next time... Childe struggles with the notion of not knowing where her boyfriend comes from.

Lastly... Возлюбленный seems to translate in Beloved or Boyfriend. Google told me, so be gentle with me.