In Charge
Chapter 8 – Break
By Threshie
AN: The chapter title this time has a double meaning...
Okay, time to pull you back up from that cliff you're hanging on now, eheh...
Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.
Beeping.
A steady, slow beeping.
Was the thermometer beeping again?
He didn't feel anything stuck in his mouth...come to think of it, he couldn't feel his mouth. The same went for his hands, his body, his feet...for all he knew, he had been beheaded and was just now noticing. What an illogical thought... His voice sounded hazy and faint, even in his mind. Ugh....what has happened to me?
Opening his eyes felt like an arduous task...he wasn't sure that he was up to it.
Whatever the beeping thing was, it didn't seem about to stop.
Besides the beeping, things were terribly silent. Matt, Near thought suddenly, Where is he?
He forced his eyes open, ignoring how heavy his eyelids seemed to be right now, and took in the sight of an unfamiliar room with beds and dozens of kinds of equipment lining both walls. He didn't pay too much attention to the background, because there was something much closer that grabbed his attention. Something was on his face. ...An oxygen mask, the white-haired boy identified it after a long moment. ...Intensive care? Why am I here...?
He saw several people moving around quietly across the room, but they seemed so far away that he barely even acknowledge them. I am on oxygen...does that mean that I can't breathe on my own? He wondered, uneasiness starting to turn into real fear. If he couldn't breathe without assistance, his body must be in bad shape. And he was alone...where was Matt? Matt had always been right by the bed every time since that first morning when Near had awakened alone.
I wonder if I will die. The idea formed itself slowly, thoughtfully, as if it was just occurring to him. His mind didn't seem to be working right...it was too slow. Everything seemed to take a moment to sink in before he could go on to analyze it. I want Matt, he thought hazily, wondering if there was a nurse call button anywhere that he could press. He was so worried about me before...I want to see him and show him I am awake.... Though he didn't think it, he knew that he also didn't want to be alone...if he was going to die, more than anything he didn't want to be alone.
He didn't remember what had happened for him to end up here...the last thing he could recall was laying back down after the bothersome coughing test, and...asking Dr. Lidner to hurry up with the rebound test. After that, his mind drew a complete blank.
My chest hurts, he realized vaguely, looking down at it without movving his head. He couldn't feel his mouth, or his arms and legs, but he could feel his chest? How strange.
It didn't make any sense...nothing seemed to make sense right now.
He tried to reach out and feel for the edge of the bed, but his arms felt far too heavy to move, and besides, he couldn't feel what his fingers came in contact with.
Numb was the word his mind had been struggling for since he woke up.
I feel numb.
Even after mustering up as much strength as he could, the most he managed to do was to turn his head and note faintly that there was, indeed, a button on the side of the bed.
Now all he had to do was to force his uncooperative body to reach out and press it...
The hallway was cold.
Every time somebody opened a door, the rush of chill air from outside made Matt shiver. He insisted on sitting outside on the hard plastic chairs, though, because if he went back into Near's now-empty room he knew that he wouldn't be able to handle it. He wouldn't be able to get the images of Near's pale and lifeless body out of his mind.
He's not dead, he told himself firmly, wrapping his arms around himself a little tighter.
Down the hall, someone opened and closed a door.
Whoosh.
He shivered, hanging his head. This's all my fault...
Dr. Lidner had had to do CPR to get Near breathing again. Around the time that his chest shallowly started to rise and fall on its own, Mikami—who apparently had gone for help at some point that Matt didn't remember—returned with a bunch of doctors and nurses. They had wheeled the white-haired boy off with an oxygen mask held over his nose and mouth, leaving Matt sitting there in shock with no one to ask what had happened.
He had been so stunned, so shaken, that he hadn't even tried to follow them.
After about 45 minutes, Dr. Lidner returned and explained everything. Near's fever had spiked, causing him to stop breathing. The human body could only handle a temperature of 107.6 degrees before it was too overheated to function properly. Mikami had called the fever "mild" when he had tested the white-haired boy's temperature, and then when Dr. Lidner had done the test again, it had risen to 105.1—considered a high-grade fever. It must have been rising for awhile, and had finally gotten too high...
He kept getting more and more tired, Matt thought heavily, I-I just thought it was because his medication made him want to sleep, but...his body must have been shutting down. He felt a pang in his stomach at the way that his thought stated it, hugging himself tightly again, but couldn't deny that it was the truth.
The fever, as it turned out, was caused by an allergic reaction to the antibiotics that were in the IVs. If he didn't feel responsible for Near's well-being before, now he truly was kicking himself for what had happened.
When he had filled out Near's paperwork, Matt had assumed that the white-haired boy didn't have any allergies, and had written that in...
That makes the fever my fault. I did that to him...by being stupid. He'd already kicked himself for it dozens of times, but no amount of doing so seemed to make him feel any less guilty.
Nevermind that he hadn't talked to Near much before this whole appendicitis incident.
Nevermind that he had no way of telling what allergies the white-haired boy may or may not have.
Excuses like that were as believable to him as someone shooting somebody else, then claiming that because a different person loaded the gun, it wasn't their fault. Bottom line, he had been responsible for this, whether he meant to be or not. And that was a crushing feeling...
How could the whole world come crashing down like that in seconds?
Back in that hospital room, for a moment time had seemed to freeze. For a moment, Near was dead, and Matt had failed him, L and even himself...and now, when that moment had passed, the feelings behind it were still stubbornly clinging to him.
I-I feel...sick. He knew that he should call L again, let him know what had happened...but admitting that Near had almost died because of him...he knew that he couldn't face L right now, not even just talking to him on the phone. Dammit...how could I make such a basic mistake? This's why I'm only number three...this is why Mello and L and Near will always be better than me.
Slam.
Whoosh.
More shivering.
He wished that he could visit Near, but the nurses had shooed him away when he had tried to visit the Intensive Care Unit earlier. Near was there because, until the drugs were cleared from his system, he needed to be monitored constantly. Dr. Lidner had said that he would likely stop breathing again unless he was on oxygen.
What would I say to him, anyway? I-I feel like I don't even deserve to see him. Maybe if I stay away, he'll get a chance to get better without me there to mess things up... He knew that he couldn't do that, of course—he'd promised himself, and more importantly he had promised L, that he would stay with Near while he was in charge.
How can I do that if they won't let me sit in there with him, though? The ICU wasn't a private room—that's what the nurses had said. They would call him when Near woke up, they had said.
That means he'll wake up alone—he'll know I left him alone in there. As if I haven't done enough to make his week hell, now he's gonna be alone, too! Dammit! He mumbled the curse aloud bitterly in an echo of his thoughts, feeling tears prick at his eyes, and buried his face in his palms.
This must be why L never made even one mistake. Just one could make up for all of the past ones you avoided.
"Matt?"
He must have been imagining the familiar voice. It wasn't possible that it was real—he was off in some other city, and besides, he might not even know which hospital they were--
"Hey, don't ignore me!" He felt a hand connect with his head, a light cuffing type of blow. Voices he could imagine, but being hit on the head?
Looking up, he stared in disbelief at the unmistakable form of a certain blonde teen clad in black leather. As usual, he had a chocolate bar clenched in one hand, and an irritated expression on his face.
Somehow, though it made no sense, Mello actually was there.
"M...Mello!" Matt stood immediately, still staring at his friend, "H-how did you....get here?"
"I rode my motorcycle," the blonde cocked his head, eyes narrowing dangerously, "Which was in the open garage, might I add. Care to explain why in hell you left it sitting there, free to get snatched for over three days?"
Matt wasn't really listening, though. Mello's here...if he's here, he's in charge. I'm not in charge anymore... Relief flooded through him, a feeling so strong that he couldn't have hoped to fight it. His knees suddenly felt weak. It's okay. He's in charge now. He's in charge, not me.
Matt seemed to be in some kind of daze; his face held a look of blank shock, and he was staring off into nowhere. Mello was about to conk him on the head again for ignoring him twice in one conversation, but just as he was raising his hand, the redhead did something entirely unexpected.
Leaning forward suddenly, Matt hugged him.
No, "hugged" was too casual a word. The redhead was clinging to him, hanging on as if Mello might disappear if he didn't hold tightly enough.
"Wh-what the hell, Matt?!" The blonde exclaimed, stiffening at the very tight embrace. He was stuck with one arm held above his head and the other pinned to his side, but quickly stopped caring about that when he realized that he could feel Matt shaking. Trembling. One of his hands rested on Mello's shoulder—it was cold to the touch.
He's really chilled—what, has he been so worried about stupid Near that he forgot to take care of himself? A bit awkwardly, the blonde lowered the arm he'd raised and wrapped it around his friend, patting the redhead's back.
"Hey, pull yourself together..."
Matt mumbled something too quietly to be heard; it was muffled by Mello's shoulder. The taller boy frowned, debating whether he should try to struggle out of the hug or if it was necessary to endure it for Matt's sake. What's he so clingy for all of a sudden? ...Probably after Near's "company", he's thankful to have somebody interesting to talk to... He kind of knew that that wasn't the truth, but he didn't particularly want to think too much about why his best friend was suddenly acting so strange.
There were only a few things Mello knew of that could make Matt this subdued and..well, vulnerable, and as far as he knew none of them could have happened, as they typically involved him being there and being a jerk. Okay, what did I say now that made him think I hate him...?
He stopped short, though, when he felt the tears on his shoulder.
"...Matt, you're freaking me out," Mello said pointedly, leaning away from the hug and redhead both so that he could look his friend in the eye. Matt looked so odd without his goggles...it was a really rare sight to see those vivid blue eyes, and even more rare to see them full of tears.
"S-sorry," the redhead sniffled, hanging his head. "...M'just s-so glad y-you're here now, Mell...y-you have no idea....h-how glad I am...." He dissolved into tears again, sobbing quietly and hugging himself. Maybe he was so cold because he had only the boat-necked, black and white striped shirt on—no vest like he usually wore when he went outside the house. It made him look kind of small...
Feeling half-guilty and half-alarmed at the situation, Mello sighed and pulled Matt into a hug of his own.
"Okay, okay, hug me if you want! God, did you miss me that damned much?" We haven't even been gone a week--what the hell happened, exactly? All L told me was that Near got appendecitis and ended up in the hospital, he thought, patting Matt's back as the redhead slipped his arms back around Mello's waist and buried his face in the front of the blonde's black vest. He said he's 'glad to see me'...is that really all this is about?
He didn't believe that.
Matt knew that he was probably weirding Mello out, hugging him and crying like some little kid, but he couldn't help himself. He hadn't realized how much of a strain being in charge had been until he wasn't anymore. I-I don't belong in charge—Mello knows how to be in charge, l-let him do it...
"...Matt, what happened?" Mello's tone had softened quite a bit; he sounded like he was trying his best to act neutral, but there was obvious concern behind the words.
The redhead tried to think of an answer, but all of them sounded horrible. Oh, nothing, I just almost got Near killed,he thought bitterly, directing all of the bitterness at himself. ...I've got to get a grip, though. Mello's in charge now, s-so it's okay...relax, he told himself, taking several deep, shuddery breaths and trying to get the tears under control.
This was silly; Near had gone through so much, and hadn't so much as said that he was scared, and here he was, falling apart when the worst thing he'd done in the past few days was to write the wrong thing on a piece of paper. But, just that one little thing almost cost Near his life... Mello didn't know anything about that, though—to him, it must look Matt was having some sort of emotional breakdown.
Suddenly self-conscious, he awkwardly pulled away from the hug and scrubbed at his eyes, sniffling, "S...s-sorry, um..." He wasn't sure what to add to the apology, so instead trailed off, trying not to focus on how he felt like sinking through the floor right now.
Am I really this pathetic?
"It's fine," Mello answered somewhat warily, watching him with a bemused look on his face. Without breaking the wide-eyed stare, he brought the chocolate bar to his mouth and snapped off a piece, cocking his head. "Matt....L sent me back since the case is pretty much solved over there. He said Near's staying here in a room, so...what are you doing sitting out in the hallway?"
Because I almost killed him. Matt resisted the urge to burst into tears all over again, saying somewhat hoarsely, "Th-they moved him to Intensive Care."
"What?" If Mello didn't have a tendency to grit his teeth, the piece of chocolate he'd bitten off would probably have dropped right out of his mouth. "Why in hell would they do that over an appendectomy?"
Matt focused on the toes of his boots—and trying not to let any more tears make them blurry—explaining quietly, "'C-cause I wrote the wrong thing...on the paperwork." He bit his lip. Don't you dare start crying again...the least you can manage is to explain what's going on. Then, Mello can be in charge...and he'll know what to do, because he'll know what happened. He didn't stop to think that maybe Mello wouldn't know what the right thing to do was...Mello always told him what to do, and if he did as he was told, usually things turned out okay.
That was how it had always been. That was how, thank god, it was again now that he wasn't in charge anymore.
Mello wasn't sure what to make of the situation. From what he could tell, Near had had some kind of complication and had been moved to Intensive Care, and Matt for some stupid reason was blaming himself for the white-haired boy's health problems...
Damned Near, he thought, looking at poor Matt, who stood there with his head bowed and arms wrapped tightly around himself. I don't care what Matt says, there's no way this can be his fault. If anything, the doctors aren't good enough to avoid complications!
"...Okay," he said as evenly as he could, trying not to let the irritation in his thoughts leak into his voice. If I sound mad, he'll just think I'm mad at him. Matt's always been like that...
That was why Matt was one of the very few people that Mello made a point of speaking to nicely. Him, and L of course. When they were kids, Mello had once lost his temper and yelled at Matt, and the resulting tears and self-hate had ensured that he never made that mistake again. He's laid-back, but he takes it really hard when he doesn't live up to other people's expectations...
That must have been what was going on now, he realized. Oh...Matt, you idiot, he thought half-heartedly, patting his friend's shoulder. You're kicking yourself for Near being sick, even though it's not your fault! You're a lot smarter than you give yourself credit for, but...this's just stupid. Come on, how is this your fault?
Matt looked up at him, and now his eyes were full of weariness instead of tears. He didn't say anything, just looked.
He's looks...really tired. What the hell? I leave for a few days, and he ends up a mess?!
Mello blinked, "How long since you got some sleep, Matt?"
"...Awhile," the redhead admitted flatly. It seemed that crying had drained him; he looked more tired than anything now. He swiped at his eyes again, mumbling, "C-can't sleep now, though...gotta be awake w-when Near wakes up."
"If he gets to sleep, it's not too much to ask for you to sleep, too," the blonde growled, irritated again at Near simply for being the reason Matt was so worried. For once he couldn't actually blame the white-haired boy for any of his actions, but slipping into the familiar pattern of directing anger at him was easier than trying to decide who was actually responsible for Matt's state.
Unfortunately, the most likely culprit was Matt himself.
As he'd expected earlier, Matt seemed to cringe at his angry tone of voice. Dammit...stupid Near! If it wasn't for thinking about you, I wouldn't have talked like that and he wouldn't think I was mad at him! The blonde switched to growling inwardly, chomping on the edge of his chocolate bar to keep from scowling too noticably.
"Y-you're gonna stay, right?" The redhead asked in a small voice; he seemed afraid to look Mello in the eye.
"Huh? Of course," the blonde blinked, surprised at the question. "L's just finishing things up—he told me to go make sure you and Near are okay. I'm not going anywhere."
Matt nodded, taking a few more deep breathes. Okay...it's okay, stop acting like such a crybaby, he chided himself, looking at the floor.
"Mr. Kennedy, there you are!" Blinking, he looked up quickly at the sound of a female voice. A nurse was heading toward the two of them down the hallway.
"Mr. Kennedy?" Mello asked, staring at her weirdly and snapping off another chunk of his chocolate bar.
"Yes, this young man here," the woman nodded at Matt, looking sympathetic.
It must be obvious that he had been crying recently, the redhead thought self-consciously, asking, "Wh-what is it? Is Near awake?"
"Yes, that's exactly it," The nurse nodded. "He's asking for you, Mr. Kennedy. He's very weak at the moment, but you should probably go visit him while he's conscious..."
He's awake. Matt realized suddenly that if he talked to Near, he would have to face up to his mistake. Wh-what could I possibly say to apologize for this...? He hesitated, unsure how to answer the nurse.
"I-I..."
"We'll visit him," Mello interrupted, frowning. "I have a few things I'd like to say to him, anyway."
The nurse blinked, no doubt wondering who the punky-looking blonde with the chocolate was, but only said, "P-please follow me, then." Turning, she headed back down the hallway the way she had come. Mello immediately trailed after her, chomping on his chocolate and looking irritated again. I wonder if he's mad at me...
Knowing he had no choice, the redhead followed his friend. The least he could do was to apologize to Near for what had happened.
He owed him that much.
--End Chapter 8
AN: And so we have Mello! (Smile) Although, I think Matt freaked him out a bit...LOL. I'm crossing my fingers that I did his awesome personality justice. (A tough thing, since my first scene with him tosses him into a situation he never encountered in the canon.) What do you guys think?
Chapter 7's title is probably pretty obvious now, huh? Near's sudden unconsciousness and the chapter's sudden ending both count, as well as Near suddenly feeling tired, Matt's sudden interruption of his thoughts when Dr. Lidner arrived, and also suddenly feeling useless a little later. I try to name the chapters things that hint at what will happen, but that don't spoil anything.
For this chapter, "break" stood for both Matt's break from being the one to care for Near and his breakDOWN when he meets up with Mello again and finally doesn't have to be the one in charge. Poor Matt, he's used to following, not leading, so this whole situation really stressed him out...
The end of chapter 7 seems to have upset some people...I don't know if I should be happy that my writing must be good enough to pull you in THAT much, or if I should feel bad for all the upset. (Sweatdrop) I do apologize if I freaked you out—don't worry, I may be mean enough to write cliffhangers, but I'm not mean enough to kill off Near. I am far too fond of him to do that, and besides, think of how much poor Matt would kick himself then...
These author's notes seem to be getting longer and longer... (Sweatdrop) Oya. Oh, well—I'm sure those who don't want to read them skip them entirely, anyway. :) Oh! One more thing...as of this chapter, this story is now over 20,000 words long. Wowee!
See you all in chapter 9!
-Threshie
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In Charge Akugi! Volume 8
Akugi #29
Narrator: Numb was the word his mind had been struggling for since he woke up.
Near: I feel dumb...I mean...numb. ; Actually, having to struggle to think of a word in my native language makes me feel pretty dumb, so that, too.
Akugi #30
Narrator: Slam. Whoosh. More shivering.
Matt: (Twitch) "What is this, the indoor equivalent of a rainy angst scene?! Do I have to be cold on top of everything else?! Don't you think I already feel bad enough?!"
Threshie: (Shifty eyes) "Maaaaybe....to all of the above."
Akugi #31
Narrator: ...as far as he knew none of them could have happened, as they typically involved him being there and being a jerk.
Mello: (Thinks back) Let's see, there was the time I deleted all of his save files, the time I got all of his cigarettes wet, the time I hid all of his clothes and left a pair of "Video games make my brain atrophy" boxers laying around as the only option...wow, I'm mean. O_o I wonder if this could be my fault subconsciously?
Akugi #32
Nurse: "Mr. Kennedy, there you are!"
Mello: "Mr. Kennedy?" (Stares at her weirdly) "You mean MEESTER Kennedy, right?"
Nurse: "...Uh..." (Glances at Matt)
Matt: "Finally! Somebody who knows how to pronounce it right!"
Mello: (Smug look at nurse)
Nurse: (Sweatdrop) "But that's the salutation, not the actual name..."
Matt: "It's only my name if you say the whole thing right! 'Meester Kennedy' is here--if you're looking for 'Mister Kennedy', you've got the wrong guy."
Nurse: "..."
