In Charge

Chapter 9 – Bad

By Threshie

AN: Writing Mello's character is too fun to be called work...ironic, since I DO have to work at it to make him believable. LOL; now I want to write another fic sometime that has him in it a lot more, because he's that much fun.

Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.


The ICU was a much more comfortable temperature than the chilly hallway has been, but Matt still felt cold when he went inside. Everybody here looks like they're ready to die, he thought uncomfortably, trying not to stare at the frail, silent and sleeping people in beds lining either wall. A lot of them were elderly, and many were plugged into various life-support systems. The equipment made a very low hum, accompanied by the soft chirping chorus of heart monitors, and the occasional hiss of an air pump.

Near was on oxygen, so Matt looked in the direction of the latter sound. The patient in the bed wasn't the white-haired boy, though—it was an old man with deep-set stress lines in his face. He was laying very still, hands curled uselessly by his sides. The air pump slowly pulsed up and down like a large piston beside his bed, forcing air into his lungs through the mask strapped over his nose and mouth. His pale eyes flitted toward Matt as he passed--just for an instant, a passing glance—and the redhead felt a pang of pity.

Poor guy...he'd die if he took his mask off. I wonder how long he's been here? He bit his lip, trying not to imagine Near hooked up to the same kind of device. He...if he was scared before, then now, being surrounded by all of this stuff...and all by himself... He looked away from the unfortunate man, suddenly feeling bad for being reluctant to come here. Near couldn't even breathe on his own, and here the redhead was only thinking of how uncomfortable he would be to talk to him again?

That's terrible, Matt. Really.

"You can visit with your brother for as long as you'd like." The nurse's soft voice tugged his attention away from the self-deprecating thoughts he was sinking into; he looked at her, then quickly to the bed that she was pointing at. A familiar small form lay there wrapped in a pale blue blanket. Fluffy white hair curled against his face and across the edge of the pillow. A clear oxygen mask was strapped over his nose and mouth, and his eyes were closed.

Near, Matt felt his chest tighten in an unpleasant mix of guilt and pity. He...looks so weak... He also looked like he was sleeping, but Matt knew that he had to talk to him, even if it meant waking him up. He was awake a few minutes ago, so he couldn't be sleeping too deeply. I have to apologize...and to let him know he's not in here alone.

The redhead sank down to kneel beside the bed, so that his face was eye-level with the smaller boy's, and ventured softly, "Near?"

Behind him, he only barely acknowledged that the nurse quietly slipped away, leaving them alone to talk.


Matt...! Near opened his eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, glancing to the side. Looking around took a lot of effort at the moment, but he was glad that he did—the redhead was a comforting sight. It was a relief to have someone he knew nearby, albeit such an unhappy-looking someone. You left me alone, Matt, he thought, unable to say it aloud. The oxygen mask was in the way, and besides, when he'd spoken to the nurse before it had been exhausting to even say a few words.

He didn't blame Matt for leaving; watching him sleep couldn't have been very interesting. He just wished that he hadn't had to wake up surrounded by strangers in an unfamiliar room by himself. He's back now...don't worry, he told himself tiredly.

Matt looked tired, too, and sad as he whispered, "H-hey...hang in there, okay?" Near wished he could at least nod, but the best he could do was to keep a steady gaze to match the redhead's. He felt his hair being ruffled; Matt was patting him on the head, he realized with faint amusement. Do I look so very childish...right now? He keeps patting my head... Matt had done this when he had first awakened after his surgery, too...he wasn't sure if it was for his comfort or the redhead's, but it wasn't a gesture he was used to at all.

He actually was feeling considerably better than he had when he first woke up. Now he didn't feel so numb anymore, and if not for a persistent ache in his chest he probably could have sat up. The nurses had made enough of a fuss when he'd yanked the oxygen mask off to tell them to get Matt, though—he doubted they would appreciate it if he tried to move around yet.

Besides, I have no energy.

It was true—his whole body felt exhausted, like he'd been running until he collapsed or something. Running...heh. He never ran, so the metaphor was kind of funny. His mind seemed to be a bit vague and strange right now, but at least his thoughts didn't take a long time to process themselves anymore. That had been extremely frustrating earlier.

Matt was talking to him, he realized. I...I must have spaced out. He did his best to focus on the redhead, wondering if he was going to explain what had happened. It would be nice to know why I am in here.

"Near, I-I'm really sorry," Matt was saying, "This...it's my fault this happened to you, and i-it was a stupid thing I did. I'm sorry..." He truly did look sorry, but Near was confused. How...could this be his fault?


Mello felt strange.

He'd expected to see Near in terrible shape, really he had. He had expected some sort of life support equipment, and for his rival to look unwell. What he hadn't expected was the strange, guilty feeling he was getting when he looked at him.

Near didn't seem to notice that he was there. He was watching Matt with dull, dark eyes, the mask hiding any expression he might be making. Judging by how slowly he had looked up when the redhead first spoke to him, he could barely move, much less talk...

Seeing him like that made Mello feel...bad.

Bad for what, he wasn't sure. But definitely bad.

He didn't like it.

Irritated by his own weird emotions, the blonde focused on chomping on his chocolate bar to try and distract himself. Stupid Near... The thought was half-hearted; what was the point in hating somebody who didn't even know you were there? He'd never seen Near look so sick. You can tell something's seriously wrong just by looking at him...

Matt patted the smaller boy's pale hair very gently, whispering something too quietly for Mello to hear. The gesture surprised the blonde; since when were Matt and Near so close, anyway?

The white-haired boy blinked at whatever had been said, then shakily raised a hand and tugged at the mask on his face.

"Don't...!" Matt exclaimed, startled, but before he could stop him, Near had tugged the mask down below his chin.

He let his arm fall limp across his chest, too tired to hold it up anymore, and frowned, saying faintly, "Y...you don't."

Having missed the first part of the conversation, Mello blinked, snapped off another piece of chocolate and blinked again. Obviously he can breathe without that damned thing...why are they still making him wear it? Stupid doctors—making a fuss over nothing just makes Matt feel worse, you jackasses...!


Matt wasn't sure what to do. Doesn't he need to wear that? I-is it okay for him to take it off...?

"Don't what?" He asked, leaning closer to hear what Near was saying. He sounded very quiet and slightly raspy at the moment.

The white-haired boy let his eyes fall closed, drawing a shallow breath. He seemed to be mustering up the strength to reply.

"Apologize. Don't."

Seeing as he already had a moment ago, Matt wasn't sure what to say. You mean you're going to forgive me? Just like that...? That's...too easy. I don't deserve it... His heart felt heavy again.

"Sorry," he said quietly, looking down at his left hand, which was resting on the edge of the bed. The other was still resting lightly on Near's hair. "I...don't know what else to do."

The smaller boy fell silent again, looking tiredly at the ceiling.

"Wh...what happened?" He asked shakily.

He's looks so tired...he shouldn't talking, Matt thought worriedly, but explained, "The medication they gave you after the surgery caused an allergic reaction. You stopped breathing from it...s-so they put you in here on oxygen 'til the medicine's out of your system. Dr. Lidner says you're gonna be okay, though."

He tried to smile, but couldn't quite make himself do it. He still felt too guilty...the apology didn't seem to have helped anything at all. It's still my fault, even if he tells me it's okay with him...how can somebody be "okay" with almost dying? How can he just brush off being stuck in here and strapped into all of this stuff...? I even let him wake up in here alone!

Even if Near did somehow forgive him, he just couldn't forgive himself.

"That's not your fault!" He jumped at the sudden loud protest from behind him, remembering just then that Mello was there, too. Glancing back, he saw the the blonde had finished his chocolate bar and was now crumpling the wrapper in one gloved fist angrily.


"You said it was your fault Near ended up almost dying," Mello said pointedly, "But how the hell are you responsible for an allergic reaction?" This is it? This is what you were in tears over?!

"On the paperwork I wrote that he didn't have any allergies," the redhead answered heavily, cringing a bit at the angry tone of voice.

"As far as you knew, he didn't," the blonde pointed out, wishing he'd brought another chocolate bar in with him. He didn't mean to yell at Matt, but this didn't make any sense—from what he was hearing, the only thing at fault was Near's health.

The redhead lowered his gaze to the floor, brows furrowing unhappily. "B-but, maybe if I'd said that he had one, they would've been more careful about what they gave him."

"That's...stupid!" Mello growled, waving the fist with the chocolate wrapper in it emphatically, "You might have written the wrong one and gotten the same results. So you wrote something you thought was true and it turned out that it wasn't—that doesn't make it your fault. You didn't even know he had some stupid allergy!"

"But he still did!" Matt stood, turning to face him. His voice had risen to match the blonde's, but unlike Mello's there was no anger behind it. "He still almost died from it, okay?! Th-that's my fault, whether I knew it was gonna happen or not!"

What the hell...? Mello involuntarily took a step backward, eyes widening. He believes this so much he's getting in a fight with me over it? That was pretty startling. Even when he thought his side was right, Matt had always backed down from arguments with Mello...because he seemed afraid that if his best friend was mad at him, they wouldn't be friends anymore. Well, I've got news for him—I'm going to win this argument because I'm his friend. No way am I gonna let him sit and blame himself for something so stupid!

"If I did the paperwork, I would've written the same thing you did," he pointed out, taking a deep breath and trying to force the anger out of his voice. Shouting at Matt never worked—all it did was make him feel bad when the redhead cringed away like he was somehow being abusive. How would L handle this? Definitely not like I'm doing...

"Then it would've been your fault," Matt said sadly, looking down at the toes of his boots. Like Mello, he had regained some composure in the brief moment of silence between them. He sighed, "Look...I-I just feel responsible, okay? I was supposed to take care of him...I promised L, and myself." He looked down at Near, who was watching the verbal battle with sleepy bemusement.

"I'm sure you took care of him as well as you could," Mello crossed his arms, frowning down at Near, too. There went that twinge of...something bad...again when he looked at the white-haired boy. He gritted his teeth, wishing again for chocolate, and hurriedly looked back at Matt.

The redhead stood there with his arms hanging at his sides, staring at him again with those vivid blue eyes. He looked tired and depressed; the energy had left him with the words he'd shouted a moment ago. I wonder if my yelling hurt his feelings? He's so busy blaming himself that he doesn't even seem to notice...

"...I agree."


Near thought for sure that he would be too quiet to hear, but apparently that wasn't the case—Matt and Mello both turned to stare at him so fast that he felt a bit intimidated. As if I've never agreed with Mello before...he just insists on disagreeing with me, he thought sleepily, mustering up his strength again to murmur, "Matt took very good care...of me. I...I agree with Mello."

He still wasn't sure how Mello was even there, but judging from the noisy argument he and Matt were having, the two of them had had a chance to talk for awhile before coming to visit him.

The blonde stared at him incredulously, like he couldn't decide whether to nod and prove to Matt that it couldn't possibly be his fault or to be offended that Near was taking his side in the first place. As if my agreement makes it the wrong side suddenly. Mello, you'll never change...

"I will be all right," he pointed out, meeting Matt's eyes. "Forget...if it was anyone's fault. It's done." Stop it, Matt. Unless you're determined to hate yourself, this doesn't accomplish anything useful at all.


Matt understood was he was trying to say. He could have died...but he didn't. That's what matters. Near doesn't just forgive me, he doesn't even think it was ever my fault! If Near couldn't blame him, blaming himself seemed kind of pathetic.

He suddenly felt very aware of the fact that the other two boys were watching him.

Worriedly.

Concern was practically written on Mello's face, despite the irritated expression that lingered there, and Near's eyes...his face was calm, as usual, but his eyes were brighter than they had been a moment before. Concerned.

Look at this...Near's tired, Mello just got back, and here I am making a scene over...nothing. They don't deserve this...

Matt came back over to kneel down by the bed, sighing.

"I'm sorry, Near. I...I guess you're right." He glanced back at Mello, "Y-you too, Mell...you're right. I'm being stupid, I guess...I'm sorry I yelled at you."

The blonde rolled his eyes, "That barely even counted as yelling."

Matt couldn't help but smile at that. That's how he says he's sorry, too, he thought knowingly. Mello had never been good at the making up part of arguments; they usually just considered things to be settled when everybody started acting normal again.

"...Near," he turned back to the white-haired boy, who was looking decidedly exhausted again, "Is there anything we can do to help make you more comfortable?" It's the least I can do...

Near glanced at him, blinking, and was silent for a moment.

"...My dinosaur," he said finally, looking down at the hand that still rested across his chest. He curled his fingers into a loose fist, but didn't attempt to move his arm. Is he too tired to...?

"I'll get him for you," Matt smiled, ruffling the smaller boy's hair again. Maybe it was because he was so tired, but Near didn't seem to mind as much as the first time he had done it.

He closed his eyes and murmured, "Thank you."

So that was it, then.

It was over just like that.

I'm not sure they understand why I blamed myself in the first place...but I guess Near's right. It doesn't help anything. I'll just...do better from now on. Now that Mello was there, he was in charge, but Matt doubted he wanted to take over watching over and caring for Near. No, it'll probably still be me. I'll do my best.

That was the best he could do. It wasn't perfect, but, then, he wasn't perfect. That's why I'm only number three.


"Did you tell L about this whole allergic reaction thing yet?" Mello asked, wondering vaguely why Near was talking about dinosaurs. Right...probably some toy. This is Near we're talking about...

"No, I, um..." Matt fidgeted, trailing off into embarrassed mumbling and looking down at the floor.

He must have been too busy kicking himself for Near's stupid allergies, the blonde assessed correctly, frowning.

"Okay. You go get the dinosaur, or whatever, and call him while you're at it. I'll watch Near." I've got a few things to say to him that you don't really need to hear...

Sitting up, the redhead glanced at him a bit warily.

"You will, huh..."

Mello blinked, "Yes, I will. Is there some problem here?"

Matt sighed and stood. "No..." Turning, he smiled down at Near a bit uneasily, "Take it easy, okay? I'll be right back."

It's like he doesn't trust me to be left alone with him or something, Mello thought, slightly irritated by this behavior.

"Matt, Near won't shrivel up and die if you're gone for awhile!" He came over to stand beside the bed, waving the poor crumpled chocolate wrapper in the white-haired boy's general direction, "What, do you think I'm not up to sitting here and watching him?"

"It's not that..." Matt glanced at Near, who looked unimpressed by Mello's words, and sweatdropped. "Y-you offered to stay with him too easily. It makes me wonder why."

...Damn it, this is the problem with having a best friend! He knows me too well... The blonde shot him a look of amusement, switching to a more persuasive tone.

"Honestly, Matt. I hate Near, but I want to beat him at doing what L does, not beat him up. And even if I did, I'm not low enough to beat up somebody who can barely move. What do you take me for, anyway?"

"...It's okay, Matt," Near joined the conversation, sounding very deadpan. Mello carefully made it a point not to look at him. If he looked at him, he might get that bad feeling again. What's with that, anyway? He didn't like it at all.

"Okay, fine. I'll go," Matt sighed, holding up both hands, "If you two are gonna team up on me, what else can I do? Mell, he's really tired—be nice, okay?" Before the blonde could reply, he had made a beeline for the door; he seemed to hurry especially past the old man with the air pump near the door.

The last few days must have been pretty hard on him, Mello thought, frowning after his friend's retreating form. He agreed a bit too quickly to give up with all of that blaming himself...

Oh, well. It was a start.

He turned to Near, smirking.

"Now we get to have a little chat."

--End Chapter 9


AN: Apparently Near can make Mello mad even when he's almost too weak to move... (Sweatdrops and shrugs) This chapter's title refers to Matt's self-blaming tendencies being bad as well as the fact that he feels bad for what happened to Near. It also refers to Mello feeling bad when he looks at Near in his current condition (and his dislike of feeling bad...LOL), and as a nod in general to the "bad" tone finally lightening up toward the end of the chapter.

More Mello and Near interaction next chapter...not necessarily good interaction, but they'll definitely be interacting. (Sweatdrop) Thank you very much for all of the reviews on the last chapter—I was so happy that that one chapter received 5 reviews. Each and every review encourages me and keeps me writing--thank you! (Hugs you all) Don't worry, the next chapter won't be full of Matt-angst like this one and the last one. He had a kind of rough time for awhile, there, but now that Mello's here he feels a lot better. :)

See you in Chapter 10!

-Threshie


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In Charge Akugi! Volume 9

Akugi #33

Narrator: Mello felt strange.

Mello: Blehh...I think that last chocolate bar was laced with something...

Akugi #34

Near: (Pulls oxygen mask off)

Matt: "Don't...!"

Near: "...." x.x

Matt: T_T

Mello: (Sweatdrop)

Akugi #35

Matt: "But he still did!" (Gets up, now yelling as well) "He still almost died from it, okay?! Th-that's my fault, whether I knew it was gonna happen or not!"

Mello: What the hell...? (Sweatdrops and tries to come up with a retort to that) "....Well, er...." (Throws chocolate wrapper ball, which bounces off of Matt's head) "...So there!"

Akugi #36

Mello: "Okay. You go get the dinosaur, or whatever, and call him while you're at it. I'll watch Near."

Matt: "No way."

Mello: T_T "D-don't you trust me...?"

Matt: (Gulp) "Okay, okay! I'm going--take good care of Near!" (Runs for hallway, utterly susceptible to guilt-trips)

Mello: (Evil grin at Near)

Near: "..." Matt, you aren't such a good guardian after all...