In Charge

Chapter 10 – Lies

By Threshie

AN: In which Mello and Near have a little chat, and for once Near can't pull his verbal domination tactics... I guess it's only fair that Mello doesn't get to have any chocolate for this scene, either. LOL.

I'm beginning to think my portrayals of these guys have a bit of psychosis to them. (Sweatdrop) They definitely live up to the title of the fic. Being "in charge" doesn't just mean being the one who tells the others what to do in this fic. To Matt, Mello and Near, being "in charge" is acting as L while he's not there. To be "in charge" permanently is to BE L, and is what each of them dreams of doing someday. That's their thought process.

Thinking about the above explains a lot about what's written below. :)

Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Tsugumi Ohba and Takeshi Obata.


Near wondered why the blonde had bothered to smirk at all. Almost as soon as Mello looked at him, his expression changed to a troubled frown. A "little chat"...well, I can't exactly refuse.

He sighed, asking faintly, "About...?" It could only be about Matt or L, he figured. What else would Mello have to talk to him about? Obviously an argument was coming. He didn't have any energy to fight with Mello right now, so pure willpower would have to do. If I just ignore him, he'll assume that I have no good reply... Even as tired as he was, he refused to let that happen—to lose a fight not because he lacked the ability to win, but because he lacked the energy to speak, seemed rather unfair.

He was bracing himself for at least a verbal attack...so it was a bit startling when the blonde knelt beside the bed, reached a hand out, and patted his hair just as gently as Matt had done. What...what are you doing?

"Since when are you and Matt so chummy?" The blonde spoke quietly but darkly, eyes narrowing. So that is what this is about... Near tried to ignore the gloved hand still resting atop his head, suddenly realizing how weak he really was. I suppose, if he were a more hateful person...he could do whatever he wanted to me. I certainly couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't afraid, though. Actually, he trusted Mello more than the majority of people he had ever met. He won't hurt me.

He understood; Mello was only patting his head to point out that that was what he didn't like Matt doing. Even knowing that, it seemed very odd for the blonde to do anything so gently, especially toward him of all people.

"Matt is a good person" Near said, choosing his words carefully. Mello seemed to have about as much patience as he had energy at the moment; he hadn't seen him shout at Matt like that in a very long time. He kind of deserved it this time, though—it's foolish to blame yourself for someone's allergies.

"That's it?" Mello's blue eyes looked icy; it had always seemed strange to Near, how they could seem darker or lighter depending on his mood. Right now they looked pale...stark. It was a piercing kind of stare.

"He's nicer...when you're not here," Near concluded tiredly, wishing he could sit up. Looking up at Mello made him feel small, like he was losing ground before the conversation even really began. Patting my head like I am a child doesn't help that feeling. I don't mind when Matt does it, but you mean it condescendingly, Mello.

"Hmph!" The blonde sat up abruptly, thankfully withdrawing his hand from Near's hair in the process. Thank you... "So you guys are friends now?" He said bluntly, scowling.

Near blinked. Friends? We barely know each other...

He and Matt hadn't bothered to get to know each other before this whole incident. Both were anti-social by nature, and each always absorbed in their own tasks, so if not for Near's medical emergency, they probably wouldn't have ever talked to each other as much as they had in the past few days. It was true that he had learned a lot about how Matt dealt with people in the short time, but that didn't mean that they were best friends suddenly or anything. Not like him and Mello.

Near had never understood why the two of them were so close. He never really felt the need for companionship, especially not from someone who wanted to talk all the time...but, having Matt around had been infinitely more pleasant than being stuck in the hospital room alone. And he's quiet enough that he didn't bother me. Hmm.

He looked at Mello thoughtfully, ignoring the impatience on the blonde's face at how long he was taking to reply. I wonder if Matt takes care of Mello...or the other way around? Matt seems to do things for him a lot, as he has done for me these past few days, but...without Mello he seems very unsure of himself.

A growl brought his attention back to the present.

"Don't ignore me!" Mello glared, clenching both hands into fists. "Are you two friends or what?! Matt doesn't act that way toward just anybody, you know!"

He doesn't? Near hadn't ever bothered to watch how Matt acted before this week. He'd only really done so this week because, being bedridden, he had nothing better to do. This is foolish...does Mello honestly think that I am trying to take Matt's friendship from him? As if a few days could override years of him being Mello's best friend... He had to admit that Matt had been very nice to him, though. He did everything he could to make sure that I was comfortable...but...

No, it wouldn't work. Even if he wanted to be friends with Matt, with Mello around that would only create conflict for the redhead. There is no way that Mello and I would start to get along suddenly—he hates me. For Matt's sake, I had best just stop this before it becomes something troublesome...

"No." He said it flatly, coldly. Truth be told, it took too much energy to put emotion behind it...and he wasn't sure which emotion he would have used, anyway. Was he supposed to sound like he cared if Mello was jumping to conclusions? He glanced up at the angry boy by the bed and added glumly, "He is kind. That's all."

Do you understand, Mello? No matter how it looks, we aren't really friends—we can't be friends. He is only being so kind to me because I am sick. That was the truth, he told himself, determined to believe it. Matt was Mello's friend—befriending Mello's rival wouldn't go over well with him, so Matt wouldn't do something like that. It might have seemed like he actually cared what happened to Near, but... He's a kind person, so he feels sorry for me. Or perhaps he only took such good care of me because he told L that he would. It isn't friendship. I don't have friends.

That was how it had always been; just like Mello and Matt had always been best friends, Near would always have no one. He was resigned to that fact.


Kind.

Mello opened his mouth to protest, then shut it again. No, he's right about that--Matt's a good guy. ...But that's not the problem, here!

"Kindness has nothing to do with this," he said, frowning at the white-haired boy on the bed. Near didn't look back. His eyes were closed again, and he was breathing shallowly. Feeling that same twinge of some bad feeling squeeze at his heart, the blonde boy gritted his teeth, irritated at himself. Why? Why the hell do I care if he's suffering, anyway!? As many times as he'd wished misfortune on Near over the years, seeing him like this held no victory. It only made him feel...hollow.

Perhaps that was because Mello had considered Near his rival for as long as he could remember. And as such, Near was always up to a confrontation with him. That was how it had always been...so, with Near unable to fight back and be his usual damned annoying self, all was not right in the world.

God, I'm twisted, he thought, disgusted. Denial didn't help, and obviously shouting at Near didn't either, or he'd be feeling better by now.

"Mello..." He directed his attention back to the owner of the small, faint voice. "M-Matt...isn't my friend." Mello stared at him. That's it? You're not even going to argue with me about it...? He felt a bit miffed at that. And not just for him, but for Matt, too! What is he, not good enough to be friends with you? Do you even realize what a great friend you're denouncing like this?

"...However," Near whispered, frowning slightly with his eyes still closed, "I-it was...nice...to borrow his friendship, if only for...for a little while."

Mello frowned, too, unhappily. There went the bad feeling again...guilt, maybe? No, he thought instantly, I'm not guilty! He refused to feel guilty about accusing Near of things when speaking was obviously difficult for him. Since he already felt something, the best he could do at this point was to just refuse to name it...yes, just calling it the "bad feeling" would suffice, that way he didn't have to own up to it.

It didn't make sense, but it made him feel better, so he didn't care.

"Yeah, well..." He fidgeted, wishing like hell that he had some chocolate to distract himself with, "I'm back, so now the little loan is off, got it?" Like Matt could be loaned back and forth, anyway! He's not an object, dammit...

"I..." Near's mouth curled into a ghost of the familiar infuriating smirk he got when he had the upper hand in an argument. "I expected that. I-it's all right..."


He was lying, of course.

If Matt leaves, I'll be alone again. He didn't like that at all. Matt was going to slip back into his usual pattern of accompanying Mello everywhere, and when he did, the last place that Mello would want to be was here with Near...so, he would end up alone.

I'm scared.

Yes, he could admit it to himself now—after all that had happened this week, being moved from room to room and bed to bed by complete strangers, dressed and undressed by them, cut and stitched up by them, he was finally ready to admit that he was scared. Soon to be scared and alone, at the rate that things were going...

Mello was talking to him again...he sounded alarmed, but Near just couldn't muster up the strength to find out what there was to be alarmed about. Everything seemed blurry and muffled...his eyes fell closed, heavily, and refused to open again.

I'm scared.

His voice sounded distant even in his head...

He felt something being pressed over his face, noticed the brief scent of leather, and then everything was fading...

I...


Mello could feel his heart pounding, as he watched Near slip out of consciousness. It was normal for the white-haired boy to be silent, and he hadn't said anything for Near to reply to, so he hadn't noticed anything was amiss until he'd tried to talk to him again. After shouting didn't so much as yield a glance from his rival, he had assessed that there was actually something wrong and had slipped the oxygen mask back over the smaller boy's nose and mouth. That should have helped, right?

It didn't seem to have any effect, though. Near didn't open his eyes again. He didn't wake up.

A quick look at the vital signs on the monitoring equipment showed that his heartbeat was still there, if a big sluggish, and that he was breathing.

Watching uneasily as the white-haired boy's chest rose and fell in a slow, shallow rhythm, Mello wondered again why that bad feeling in his chest refused to go away. It wasn't like this was his fault...nevermind the fact that Near was exhausted, and talking as much as he just had probably hadn't been good for him. As far as Mello would tell, he had just run out of energy and fallen asleep in the middle of their conversation. Stupid Near...you shouldn't push yourself so much, you...

He scowled, dismissing the thought half-finished, and snagged a chair from beside somebody else's bed, dragging it over next to Near's and plunking down on it in one motion. I hate this. I feel weird! To hate somebody this....this.... Pathetic? No, there went the twinge in his chest again.

...Vulnerable?

No, make that defenseless—he's completely defenseless, so hating him right now just makes me feel like a jerk. I can't not hate him, though... He glanced down at Near, who lay very still and silent, and bit his lip. Hate sure didn't feel like what he was feeling right now. Hate felt satisfying, like he was in the right. Now he just felt...bad. He couldn't seem to look at the small person on the bed and not feel bad. Even when arguing with him, he'd had to hide his discomfort at even looking at Near like this.

I need chocolate, he thought wearily, propping his chin against one fist. There was probably a vending machine somewhere in the hallway that sold chocolate of some variety... It wouldn't be his favorite brand, but it would be chocolate, and at the moment he didn't care about much else.

I told Matt I would stay here with Near while he was gone, though. He glanced at the white-haired boy and scowled. Dammit! I should have told him to bring me some! If Near were up to it, he was sure he would have pointed out that not making such a request while he had the chance had been really stupid. That didn't exactly help him feel any better.

He's unconscious...if I left and came back, he wouldn't even know. Matt would know if he came back while the blonde was gone, though...and he had already been gone for awhile.Unless he wants to sit and catch up with L on the phone, making the call and picking up some toy dinosaur from Near's room can't take too much longer.

No, leaving at this point would be foolish. If Matt would be back soon anyway, he could wait just a little longer for chocolate, he decided (albeit bitterly.) He could go get some good chocolate from his motorcycle, even. I'll use that as an excuse to escape this room when Matt gets back, he decided.

Crossing his arms, he focused on the blue blanket on the bed instead of the small person wrapped up in it, and waited.


Matt was waiting, too. He cradled the phone against his ear with his shoulder, the dinosaur held in the crook of one arm and both hands full of little green army men, and listened to it ring. L was taking a long time to pick up.

The redhead scanned the hallway, now cast in comforting and familiar golden hues. He'd retrieved his goggles from the room along with the toys, and felt a little less easy to read with them on again. Maybe that's why I felt like I didn't want Mello to see me when I was upset—my eyes weren't covered up, so he could just look right into them. Eheh...nah, on second thought, that's a pretty silly concept. More likely he'd been extra-stressed from nicotine withdrawal... Ugh...now that I have time, I don't have any smokes on me. Go figure.

"Hello...?" He jumped at the voice murmuring in his ear, reminded abruptly that he was in the middle of making a phone call.

"L?" He asked, even though he knew that was who it was. Nobody else sounded quite like L did.

"Matt?" The detective mimicked in return, sounding amused. "It's nice to hear from you—has Mello arrived yet? He left here late last night, you know."

"Um...yeah, he's already here. He's watching Near so I can call you," Matt explained, feeling uneasy all over again. If telling L that Near was in the hospital had made him feel like he was admitting to doing something wrong, he really felt that way now that he had to explain about the allergic reaction and Intensive Care visit...

Maybe...hmm.

"Hey, L," he ventured, "Does Near have any allergies? To medication or anything?"

"Not that I'm aware of..." That tone of voice brought to mind the image of L with a look of wide-eyed curiosity on his face. "Why, do the doctors think that he might?"

So, even if L did the paperwork, he would've written the same thing as me. That made him feel a lot better. L never made mistakes. If L would have done the same thing in that situation, then he had done the right thing himself.

Feeling braver, Matt took a deep breath and explained, "Actually, he does. He had a reaction to some of the stuff they gave him."

"...Is he all right?" L sounded troubled now. I didn't mean to worry him...I'd better explain.

"Yeah, he's gonna be okay, don't worry," the redhead explained quickly, shifting slightly to squeeze the dinosaur more tightly with his elbow; it had been slipping down out from under his arm. "They took him to Intensive Care, though, and put him on oxygen for awhile. I just talked to him, he's okay, really."

Recalling the conversation in the ICU kind of made him cringe—he'd shouted at Mello! Him, Matt, the quiet guy who usually just did whatever his best friend said and was happy doing so... And I thought I was right, too. Sometimes I can really be an idiot.

"I'm glad to hear that," L said after a long moment. There was the sound of something shifting from the other end of the phone. Rustling—papers? That's what it sounded like, anyway... "Has anything else noteable happened since your last call?"

Let's see...cried, freaked out Mello, apologized to Near for something stupid, got in a fight with Mello for the same something stupid...and left Near alone with Mello, which still feels like something incredibly stupid to do.

"Nope," he said brightly, trying not to sound as embarrassed as he felt at the barrage of awkward memories, "Nothing 'noteable', anyway." I'd better get back there quick... He doubted that Mello would hurt Near, but he had obviously been up to something. There was no way that Mello would actually volunteer to stay with Near otherwise...

Maybe I'm being too suspicious. Maybe, with the mess I've been since he got back, he decided to take pity on me and let me not take care of Near for a little while. He sweatdropped, So, he sent me on errands to tell me to rest. That does sound like Mello's logic, actually. Going to get the dinosaur and make the phone call had gotten him away from the ICU, which was the thing that had been bothering him the most besides the fact that Near was in there.

And look at me, thinking he's up to something instead of being thankful. He shook his head, sighing. I've gotta stop jumping to conclusions. Poor Mell...I didn't mean it. You're just trying to think of me...

"...Matt?" He blinked, hearing L's voice. Oh...I'm still on the phone! "Are you still there?" The detective asked a bit skeptically. He's probably holding his phone at arm's length and looking at it... He smiled. That seemed like just the kind of thing that L would do.

"Yeah, I'm still here," he said sheepishly. "Sorry, um...I-I was thinking. I've gotta get back to Near and Mello, actually."

"If it's so important that you are spacing out thinking about it, then yes, you should." L sounded amused again. "Please take good care of Near until I return—Mello will help you. I should be able to leave tomorrow morning, so I will arrive sometime during the evening."

"Okay," Matt nodded, glancing down at the dinosaur with a sweatdrop. It was trying to slip out from under his arm again... He turned one handful of green army men upside-down on top of the other, heaping them all into one hand, and tried to retrieve the dinosaur before it escaped completely. It was hanging from the crook of his arm by its neck at the moment...

"Thank you for keeping me informed. I'll see you all soon." L hung up promptly after saying this last, and the redhead thankfully dropped the receiver and grabbed the dinosaur.

"You're kind of annoying," he told the plastic beast, before sighing and shoving it under his arm again. He then returned the phone to its receiver and headed for the ICU again. About halfway there, he came across a vending machine. God, how long since I ate anything, anyway? He blinked, pausing to consider the brightly-wrapped foods through the glass. His reflection looked tiredly back at him, red hair mussed, stripey shirt rumpled, and eyes safely hidden behind the goggles again.

The nurses had brought him some food the first few days that they had been there, but he'd pretty much ignored it...and after the whole allergic reaction upset, he had been far too distracted to even think of food. The funny thing is, I don't really feel hungry now, either... There were several kinds of chocolate bars included in the machine's inventory, though. Recalling Mello's mangling of the poor chocolate wrapper before, the redhead realized that he hadn't brought more than one bar along.

Hmm. I could get him some chocolate... He knelt, heaping the dinosaur and the small army of green men together on the floor, and rummaged in the pockets of his jeans for change. None of the chocolate bars behind the glass were Mello's favorite brand, but that was because it was imported. Doesn't matter...he'd rather have this than nothing, I'm pretty sure. His pockets yielded a little over a dollar in coins. Shoving several quarters into the machine, he waited until it dropped a candy bar down to the bottom, then reached into the slot and retrieved it.

Now he had to carry chocolate as well as the dinosaur and army men. Good thing my goggles go on my head, or I would've had to leave them, he thought, resorting to shoving the army men into his pants pockets. Now please, please let me remember to take them out before sitting down...

Snagging the dinosaur and chocolate, he set out again, feeling a lot better than he had that morning. Mello was there now, Near's condition had stabilized somewhat, L was informed and he felt like he could smile again and mean it. I knew things would be fine once Mello got back. I'm lousy at being in charge...even though I did my best. His best just wasn't good enough, apparently. He smiled slightly, shaking his head. That's why I'll always be number three.

--End Chapter 10


AN: Matt's self-esteem needs some help... (Sweatdrop) I guess growing up in the shadows of L, Mello AND Near wouldn't exactly help your self-esteem, but it's still kind of sad.

Buying Mello chocolate was Matt's way of apologizing for being so much trouble. With how often Mello refers to his guilt as "the bad feeling" in this chapter, I halfway think I should've named this one "Bad" instead of the last one...

Hope you're still reading and enjoying "In Charge". The story is arcing its way along...hopefully I made the character development believable. Near's starting to realize that he's usually very solitary, now that he has a few days of having Matt as a constant companion to compare his usual lifestyle with.

This chapter's title refers to Near lying about wanting Matt to be his friend, Mello lying to himself about what "the bad feeling" is, and Matt lying to L about whether "anything noteable" happened other than Near's allergic reaction.

I really love character-centric stories that get into the characters' heads, focus on how they feel, and, hopefully, make the reader feel for them while reading. If this fic comes close to that, then I've succeeded. :)

-Threshie


!-- page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --

In Charge Akugi! Volume 10

Akugi #37

Mello: (Pats Near's hair) "Since when are you and Matt so chummy?"

Near: (Sigh) "Since when does everybody pat me on the head...?"

Akugi #38

Mello: "Yeah, well..." (Fidget) "I'm back, so now the little loan is off, got it?"

Near: u.u "After I die, you can have him back."

Mello: "Then you better die quick!"

Near: "About 90 years and he's all yours again." (Smirk)

Akugi #39

Near: If Matt leaves, I'll be alone again. Unless....hmmm. (Scheming glance at Mello)

Mello: (Doesn't like that look at all) "...What are you staring at?!"

Near: (Smirk) "Nothing. I'm going to sleep now. (Does so)

Mello: (Growls and puts oxygen mask back on as the script calls for) I'll get you back for....er....staring at me funny!

Akugi #40

L: "Has anything else noteable happened since your last call?"

Matt: (Innocently) "Oh, let's see...I found out the secret ingredient in chocolate is bat guano. Let Mello know for me, 'kay?" (Getting vengeance for all of those things Mello upset him with in chapter 8's Akugi)