So the truth is out for you readers... but Claudine and the rest of the world can't ever know that Maya is still alive. Claudine, and all the rest of Maya's friends, must come to terms with their cruel new reality and do their best to move on...
Disclaimer: I do not own Shoujo Kageki Revue Starlight.
Chapter 4. Farewell
There's nothing that can describe it.
That immense, devastating agony.
The feeling of ache so deep in Claudine's veins that it feels like a disease, thick and churning, through every inch of her body. She wants to be sick, but nothing comes up.
It wasn't possible. It just wasn't.
Tendo Maya.
The thoroughbred. The un-defeatable. The Top Star.
Gone.
Just gone.
Claudine had been with her for the past 3 years, through everything Seishou had to throw at them.
Every exam, every lecture, every after-school training, every weekend practice…
Every revue, every fight against the Korosu, every trial the giraffe had ever tossed them into.
They'd faced it all, and overcome it all together. She'd been with her every single day and damn near every single night as well, to the point where they might as well have been roommates.
And now… she was just supposed to accept the fact that she'd never ever get to be with her ever again…?
Claudine had just seen and spoken with her a few days ago.
And now… she was never going to see her or speak to her again…?
A deep-rooted shuddering begins shaking her from the inside out, originating at her core and spreading like fire through every inch of her body. She chokes, but no tears come just yet. Her legs tremble, and her knees buckle.
Futaba and Mahiru manage to hurry forward in an attempt to catch her, but even in spite of their efforts the weight of Claudine's grief is too great. She collapses between them and lets out a terrible wail, something raw and guttural.
The rest of them cry with her, though not even all of them in the room combined sob louder than Claudine alone.
It all hits her at once. The denial, the anger, the grief…
All but the acceptance.
She can't accept it. She can't.
She had just seen Maya a few days ago. She had just spoken with her…
And the last thing she'd said to her was telling Maya not to contact her. The last thing she'd ever done with her was fight.
That crushes her most of all.
That the last thoughts and memories Maya had of Claudine in particular were of her shouting at her and storming off. Never knowing that Claudine intended to apologize, talk, and even confess to her today.
It was all over. Everything.
She cries for hours there on the floor. Hours. No matter which of her friends comes to sit beside her, Claudine never even lifts her face from the carpet. She cries so hard she nearly makes herself sick.
Hours pass. Hours and hours.
It's the middle of the night by the time she's finally shed every tear, and her voice has gone hoarse. Her friends and instructor sit beside her, and explain what they know when Claudine is finally ready to hear it.
Kaoruko is pressed in against one of her sides, with Futaba on the other, Mahiru and Nana supporting her back, and Junna, Karen, and Hikari huddled around. They pass around tissues, having gone through at least a dozen boxes already, but their tears still don't stop.
It's dark and quiet and cold outside. Claudine almost wishes the sun would never rise again. It wouldn't seem fair if the rest of the world got to continue on without Maya.
After half a day, it's finally started to sink in.
That this is reality.
That Maya is really gone.
That Claudine will never be able to see her again, never get to apologize, never get to tell her how she feels…
"When…?"
Her voice is so raw from overuse from all the crying that the word barely makes its way up her clogged throat. But Professor Sakuragi hears her. Dabbing a tissue at the corner of her eye, the woman lets out a long sigh.
"A few days ago," she says. "The very day she went home to her parents. They went out to dinner and got into a terrible accident…"
She must've already told this to the other girls days earlier when it had happened. But now she had to do it again to inform Claudine. They'd all come here to meet Claudine upon her return so they could tell her the news in person right away.
The professor shakes her head in solemn grief.
"At the very least, reports say it was instantaneous. None of them suffered or felt a thing."
Claudine chokes, folding forward into her own lap and letting out silent caterwauls. Her friends embrace her as best they can.
A while later, Claudine barely manages to push herself back up again.
"When is the funeral…?"
Professor Sakuragi sighs again.
"There isn't going to be one. Evidently, their relatives didn't want it. The house will be torn down, and then plaques will be erected there for each of them. However, the school did reach out and was granted permission to hold a memorial service so that we'll be able to properly say our goodbyes. Trauma specialists and therapists are already present on campus to offer their services."
Claudine blinks hazily. Her vision blurs and she sways. Someone catches her, but she doesn't even know who.
"No… why…? Why-?!" Her voice, which starts so small and broken, mounts in volume until it explodes. Claudine screams and throws herself forward again, weakly beating her fists against the floor. She clenches her hands so tightly the nails dig into her palms and start to bleed. All around her, her friends reach out to hold her steady.
"Kuro-chan…"
"It's gonna be okay…"
Claudine can't even make sense of anything anymore. She tries to pull away from them without thinking, both wanting the comfort of their touch, and also not wanting anyone to touch her or be near her.
She only wants Maya.
Her senses jumble, and she feels as though she even blacks out for a brief amount of time.
When she's next aware of herself, she'd been lain on one of the couches. She can still hear her friends murmuring and crying around her, and hears Professor Sakuragi say something about staying with her tonight. That, not only was Claudine in shock, but she was also exhausted from her flight, hungry and dehydrated, that she wasn't herself.
Claudine half-sobs, half-scoffs at this. Herself? What even was her own self anymore without Maya? Without her partner? Her rival? Her best friend…?
How could Claudine ever hope to be 'herself' ever again…?
Warm tears continue spilling free all night long, staining sticky trails down her face and neck. Her friends huddle up around her against the couch and on the floor, offering kind words. But she hardly hears or understands any of them.
It's a long, endless, painful night.
Claudine doesn't sleep. She only passes out when her body completely crashes, and then wakes up again in spotty, inconsistent bursts.
Her mind just keeps replaying the last time she'd seen Maya; the argument, the guilt, and hurt in Maya's eyes…
Then she imagines how the accident must have gone. The leisurely drive to dinner suddenly shattered by a deafening impact, crushing debris, and blazing heat. She lives through that moment as if Claudine herself had been the one to die.
All night long. Over and over.
Not even the break of dawn brings that terrible night to an end. Even when she opens her eyes to see the room bathed in sunlight and colors returned to the furniture and walls, Claudine doesn't budge.
How dare the world welcome another sunrise? Another day, as though nothing had happened? How dare life continue as it always had when hers had been cut short?
It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair…
For hours, Claudine lies there motionless, falling in and out of consciousness. Her friends only barely manage to sit her up in the late afternoon and try to coax her to eat, but she can't manage anything but some water.
She doesn't even feel like she's in her own body at some points, like when they help her to the showers and help wash her hair and back for her. The next thing she knows she's dressed in fresh clothes back at the lounge, because no one wants to leave her alone just yet.
At one point the nurse comes in to check on her and states she'd caught a fever. At some hour of the night, Claudine stumbles to the trash bin and throws up, though it's only liquid.
Pure agony. Misery. Devastation.
And it doesn't stop the next day, either.
Or the day after that.
Her friends made it a point not to turn on the television or radio, no doubt because every single station was still covering the tragic story of the famous Tendo family.
Claudine's friends take turns staying with her throughout each day and night, always making sure someone is by her side at all times.
But even after her fever breaks, she doesn't really get better.
She doesn't laugh anymore. Doesn't smile. She can barely eat and walk around with how despondent she'd become. She isn't the same Saijou Claudine anymore. And she knew she never would be.
Because the Saijou Claidine she'd been until a week ago had been a girl who'd existed together alongside Tendo Maya. Maya had been a part of her. And now that she's gone… Claudine was missing that vital piece.
Without Maya, she was falling apart more and more each day.
When classes resume after break, Claudine doesn't attend. Even though she knows it's what Maya would've wanted and expected of her. She just can't find the physical strength or the mental fortitude to get up, let alone make the trip to school, focus in lectures, or move in the studio.
All kinds of caring adults come to sit and speak with her, but she doesn't have anything to say.
When she has the strength to reach for her phone, she would spend hours reading over old conversations with Maya, imagining the texts spoken in her voice.
She would go back through the photo albums and look at her face and cry.
She would pull up old videos she'd recorded and listen to Maya's voice.
Claudine engraves Maya into her heart like a scorched branding. She never wanted to forget that smile, that voice, those eyes.
One night, when Karen, Hikari, and Mahiru had fallen asleep around her, Claudine even types out a shaking message to Maya's number and sends it.
Are you there, Maya?
She waits.
And waits.
But no response ever comes.
Hey.
Please answer me.
Please, Maya.
Tell me it's not true.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Never a response. Never anything at all.
Claudine would send texts to that empty conversation every night after that. From one-worded pleas for a response to an essay's worth of feelings and memories and apologies.
But of course, those texts were never read or responded to.
At the special request of Claudine's closest friends, the school had delayed the memorial service for Maya until Claudine was well enough to be able to attend.
That day, classes are canceled.
All of the students and staff assemble out on Seishou's field, dressed in mourning, clutching pale white flowers. Claudine sits in the front row with her friends, but she doesn't hear any of the speeches given about Maya's talent, wit, and tenacity. About the people she had inspired, the goals she had achieved at such a young age, and the legacy she'd left behind.
Claudine had always known all of those things about her - how incredible she was, how motivated, how impossible flawless and skilled…
And she'd known more about Maya than everyone else had known, too.
She'd known her childish side, her ridiculous side, her girly side…
How her eyes would light up at the sight of baumkuchen at dessert.
How she would sometimes snore faintly in the early hours of the morning.
How she would snort in the middle of a particularly hearty bout of laughter.
Claudine could've spoken about Maya for weeks on end if she'd wanted to. But as she was, she'd been completely unable to speak about Maya at her service.
Only Junna, as Student Council President of the school, had been able to speak a brief piece on behalf of the students.
The plaque in memorium of Maya was a sleek black slab, printed with grey letters:
In honor and remembrance of Tendo Maya
Seat 18 of the 99th cohort
Singer. Dancer. Performer.
Student. Classmate. Friend.
You will forever be missed
And forever in our hearts.
Claudine can't even bear to look up at the stone as Junna steps down and another teacher ascends to the podium to speak.
All the while, Claudine's mind never stops racing through the memories. Memories of moments with Maya that only she knew. Memories that were theirs alone, that only she and Maya had shared.
But now, Claudine was the only one who could cherish them.
Everyone around her had started to cry at different intervals of the ceremony. But Claudine doesn't even realize it when her own tears start coming. In fact, it happens so quickly, and so unexpectedly, that she lets out a loud, scream of a sob right in the middle of the ceremony.
And from there, she just can't stop. She's completely inconsolable, to the point where she nearly drops to her knees out of her chair. Nana and Junna hurry over to get her up and take her away.
But it was almost as though Claudine's outburst had lifted a stifling weight of sorts. Where everyone had been struggling to stay quiet and grieve silently, now that someone had come out and made such a heartbreaking sound, everyone else began to crumble. The speeches need to be put on pause as the entire audience starts to sob out loud, breaking the silence and finding some sort of release.
Claudine's friends bring her back inside the school to a quiet room and wait for her to calm down and collect herself as much as possible. She sobs apologies - some to them for interrupting the ceremony, and some to Maya for fighting with her. They tell her it's all right; the same sweet nothings she'd been told for the past week now.
The three of them stay there for a while, joined eventually by a teacher. They wait with Claudine and stay close to her as she cries her heart out.
At last, the speeches come to an end, and Maya's friends, classmates, kouhai, and teachers are permitted to line up and take turns saying their final goodbyes. Knowing they can't possibly deny Claudine this small mercy, they eventually guide her back outside.
As different people go up to lay down their flowers around the plaque that will forever sit in Seishou's courtyard, Claudine's other friends come to hug her and stand beside her.
When at last it's their turn to go up, each of them are beside themselves with tears and sorrow. They lay down their flowers before turning to crumple into each other's arms.
Finally, when it's Claudine's turn, her friends opt to stay with her. But she manages to lift her head enough to look at them past her hair. And as defeated as her eyes may be, there's a faint glimmer of conviction there.
"Please…"
It's all she can manage to ask of them, but they all understand. And so, her friends step back to give her a moment alone.
Claudine inhales a choppy, shaking breath before turning back to the memorial. She drops to her knees, clutching her flowers so tightly that a few of the stems snap. Quivering, open-mouthed sobs escape her throat, and her entire body trembles in spite of the sunlight shining down.
It almost didn't feel right, speaking to Maya like this when all it was was a plaque. It wasn't even a gravestone. Maya wasn't even here beneath her to hear her words. Evidently the extended family had had the bodies cremated and the ashes spread at sea. Maya wasn't even here. All Claudine could talk to was a rock with nothing and no one beneath it.
But it was all she had.
"Maya…" She can't even get through saying her name without breaking down quietly. "Tendo Maya… Ma Maya…"
She'd wanted to say so much more. So, so much more.
But the words don't come. Instead, she can only manifest her feelings in memories.
When she thinks of Maya shining onstage, she almost breathes again.
When she thinks of her snorting at a stupid pun Futaba had made, she almost chuckles.
When she remembers her falling victim to Karen's eraser-on-top-of-the-door prank and getting covered in soot, she almost smiles.
The obstacles they'd overcome, and the beautiful battles they'd fought in the revues…
The plays they would perform for their audiences, as lead or supporting roles…
The afternoons spent practicing, the evenings spent studying, the nights spent screaming at scary movies or playing card games…
And especially the more recent of nights, when they'd started to sleep in the same bed together, growing ever closer, ever warmer…
She stops. She can't think of any of that now. Not now. Not when it was too late.
Today, not only does she lay Tendo Maya to rest, but she also lies those feelings to rest.
"I'm sorry-" she whispers. The tears cascade down into the flowers and soil below. "I'm sorry… Goodbye…"
She stays there for a while longer, until her friends finally come forward to help her back up. They lead her away, leaving the mountain of white flowers and the plaque behind.
Claudine barely stays conscious enough to eat and bathe before collapsing onto the couch again with her grieving friends around her.
She wishes time would just stop. Just long enough for her to process and come to terms with it all.
But time doesn't stop. It just keeps on marching through to the next morning, the next day, the next night.
Eventually, Claudine starts going back to classes.
Eventually, she starts dancing and singing and acting again in lessons.
Eventually, she starts talking to her friends and classmates again.
Although, the unofficial after-school lessons she'd used to hold with Maya for their underclassmen quietly taper out and never resurface.
But every day, regardless of the weather or the hour she makes it there, Claudine goes to visit Maya's monument.
Every day she sits there, reminisces, grieves, and talks to her.
Some days it's the good memories and she comes away healing.
Some days it's the bad memories and she comes away hating herself.
She tries everything.
She tries apologizing to Maya for the way she'd treated her the last time they'd seen each other.
She tries thanking her for being the best rival, classmate, and partner Claudine ever could have hoped for.
She tries asking her to come back, wondering if she could still somehow find the giraffe and ask him for an impossible wish…
But the one thing she never does is say those feelings out loud.
The feelings she'd desperately sent in a text message to Maya's phone.
The feelings that she'd been planning on telling her.
The feelings she'd been too late on recognizing.
Claudine had decided she wasn't going to put those feelings into words. Not now. Not when it was too late and nothing would come from it.
She buries those feelings since she hadn't gotten to bury Maya.
Deep down, she'd like to believe that she knew Maya had always felt the same way about her. It had been obvious in the knowing looks she gave her, the flirtatious commentary, the lingering touches.
If only to selfishly help herself, Claudine lives the rest of her days at Seishou Music Academy telling herself that Tendo Maya had loved her, too. And she tells herself that that will be enough for her to move on with her life.
Day after day, she sees the therapists and the teachers, talks to them, opens up. She goes through the cycle at her own pace, moving on from the denial and the anger and the bargaining.
For months, she pushes forward, until at long last, on the week of her graduation, she comes to accept it all.
She's still broken. Still incomplete. But she's moving on, and that's enough for now.
At the ceremony, the teachers announce Maya's name for her diploma, and the loudest round of applause goes up. They also reveal a scholarship that will be offered to prospective students in her honor.
Along with all the rest of her friends of the 99th cohort - all but one - Claudine goes up to receive her diploma and officially graduate.
When the time comes for them all to throw their caps in the air, she likes to imagine that Maya is there with them. Claudine hugs everyone she can, still wishing more than anything that Maya could be here too.
But she isn't. And nothing anyone ever said or did was ever going to change that.
It was still going to take a lot of time and a lot of healing for her to finally be able to move on and be at peace. But that would start with one thing.
So after the confetti and the pictures and the hugs and kisses from her friends and parents, Claudine makes her way to the memorial plaque. With her own diploma in one hand, and Maya's in the other, she kneels down there in the grass and the flowers that had been placed there, and closes her eyes.
Through the past several months, when she'd come here to visit every single day, Claudine had thought through all of her memories of what had been, and entertained the possibilities of what could have been.
She'd told Maya how childish she was at some times, how infuriating at others, how beautiful she was, how arrogant, how impossibly perfect…
She'd already said all of those things.
The grief, the anger, the melancholy…
The happiness, the peace, the warmth…
She'd already felt all of those feelings.
But now it was time to move on.
It was time to leave Maya behind; not because she wanted to, but because she had to. For her own sake.
And so, after gently moving the flowers aside to make room, Claudine lies down Maya's diploma. She breathes in deeply, listens to the chatter from the ceremony behind her, feels the breeze…
She braces herself, and then says it.
"Farewell, Tendo Maya."
Not goodbye. Because there was no chance of ever seeing her again.
And so, Claudine gets to her feet and turns away.
She rejoins her friends and family as they start making arrangements for where to eat dinner.
At last, she is able to leave Maya behind, and start living the next chapter of her life.
But even though Maya would never be able to be with her again, Claudine promised she would never forget the incredible girl she'd never gotten the chance to properly fall in love with.
A/N: People always say that "time heals all wounds" but it really doesn't... Not completely, anyway. Not a wound as deep and irrevocably terrible as losing your very soulmate. Maybe you can learn to smile again, in time, but your heart will always be missing just a certain piece of itself.
Even so, Claudine is resolved and trying to move on however she can. It isn't a goodbye. It's a farewell. The knowledge that she will never, ever see Maya again - no matter how badly she might want to.
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