"Take me in, into your darkest hour
And I'll never desert you
I'll stand by you
Won't let nobody hurt you
I'll stand by you"
Lisa closed her laptop and let out a deep sigh. The last couple of weeks had been a whirlwind, to say the least. Even though Bravo's status with Command was still up in the air, an emergency mission in Colombia called for the best DEVGRU had to offer, and for better or worse, that was still Bravo team. Given the importance and time-sensitive nature of the mission, Command had decided to send Lisa along with them to assist Ray, who was going to be acting as OIC.
So here they all were again, on the flight back to Virginia Beach after achieving mission success just like they had done countless times before. She had to admit that it felt great to be back in the action with her boys and she was especially grateful that she was able to be there to watch over them on this particular mission. Though as happy as she was, the significance of Sonny's confession before they had spun up still weighed heavily on her heart.
2 weeks earlier…
Lisa was in her office, putting together the files she needed to bring with her to Colombia, when she got a text from Sonny asking her to come to the cages. The guys were gathered in the center of the room when she got there, apparently waiting for her to arrive. "What's going on?" she asked hesitantly, her eyes seeking Sonny out for some kind of indication as to what this was about, but his gaze never met hers. Instead, his eyes darted all over the room bouncing between the walls and back down to the floor as he started fidgeting with his hat, a telltale sign that he was nervous about what he was about to say.
"Listen, I…uh…I know we don't have much time before we head out, but there's something I need you guys to know about the last time we were in Colombia. I'm sure you all remember that I wasn't exactly at my best during that deployment. The truth is, I was in a pretty dark place, and when I left the safe house on my solo field trip, I didn't really know where I was going; all I knew was that I had to get the hell out of there. You know, Hannah and Leanne leaving and movin' back to Texas, it truly knocked me on my ass, and I guess what I really wanted was for it all to just stop — the hurt, the emptiness, the pain, you know, all of it,'' he paused to clear his throat and to get his emotions under control a bit before continuing. "So I uh, I ended up in Dibulla, where I got my fill of broads and booze and, um, even drugs. Bottom line, nothing was off limits if it meant that I would just stop hurting, if I could just stop feeling anything at all, if only for a little while. When Clay finally tracked me down, I was neck deep in a situation that I probably wouldn't have walked away from. Maybe that's why I did it; I don't know…Basically I uh, I got on the bad side of some local gang bangers, and if it wasn't for Clay, well, I probably would have ended up in a Colombian prison or dead in a ditch somewhere. I ain't proud of what I did, or the position I put Clay in, and I spent every single day after that doing whatever I could do just to make it up to him. Anyways, I uh, really didn't feel right going back there without reading you all in on what happened last time."
He paused to catch his breath and let it all sink in with the team. His eyes traveled around the room, trying to gauge everyone's reaction and he finally allowed himself to look at the one person whose gaze he'd been avoiding ever since she walked into the room. He looked at Lisa and could tell she was doing everything she could to keep her emotions in check, shoulders down and back with her jaw set tight. And when he looked into her eyes, he could see the tears that were starting to form despite her best efforts.
"Look," Sonny continued after a few moments. "I understand if y'all feel like you can't trust me right now and if you think it's best that I step aside for this mission, then that's what I'll do." He then turned to look at Jason, his team leader, his mentor and one of his best friends. "All I want is what's best for Bravo and I promise you, I will do whatever I need to do to earn your trust and respect back…all of you," he added as he turned to the rest of the team. "You know, a lot has changed since the last time we were in Colombia and I..uh…I'm not the same person I was back then. I know I tend to let my emotions get the best of me and act irrationally sometimes, but I swear to you, nothing like this will ever happen again. Ever." He turned to look at Lisa when he made that vow. It was a promise to the entire team, but especially to her.
He knew all too well her feelings about drugs and had seen firsthand how Danny's troubles had affected her when they were together. The last thing he ever wanted was to cause her any kind of pain and he couldn't bear the thought that his recklessness could be the final straw for them — the one thing that they couldn't come back from. He held her gaze for what felt like an eternity, desperately waiting for any indication of her reaction, good or bad. He saw her take a deep breath and just as she was about to speak, the moment was broken by the ringing of her cell phone.
Lisa swallowed the lump in her throat and answered her phone. Her head was spinning with questions and every possible emotion imaginable following the bombshell Sonny had just dropped, but as usual, duty was calling and all of that would have to be set aside for now.
"Yes, Sir. I understand. I'll be right there," she sighed as she clicked the phone off and turned to the guys. "Blackburn needs to see me before we take off…I'll uh see you guys on the plane." With one last look in Sonny's direction, Lisa tucked her phone back into her pocket and made her way out of the room.
Sonny hung his head and nodded slowly as he watched her leave. He understood why she had to go, but he couldn't help but feel the cruel irony that this job always seemed to find a way to come between them. He knew that he and Lisa wouldn't have been able to really have the conversation they needed to have with the entire team there, but he was still hoping for the slightest bit of reassurance that things between them would eventually be okay.
There wasn't much time to dwell on that though as the rest of the guys quickly got their bags together and headed out of the room after Jason asked to speak to Sonny alone. "This is it," he thought to himself. He'd finally pushed Jason to his limit and he was going to lose his spot on Bravo.
"Listen Jase," Sonny started once they were alone together, needing to say his piece before Jason kicked him off the team. "I know I broke Bravo's number one rule, I lied to you and to the entire team and there's no excuse for that. All I can say is I'm sorry, man, and I understand if this means that my time with Bravo's done. I get it. I just want you to know that being a part of this team and operating alongside of you has been the greatest honor and privilege of my life. My only regret is that I let my carelessness cost me one of the best things that's ever happened to me."
He let out a shaky breath as he held back his tears. His Bravo family meant everything to him and he couldn't believe that he was about to lose it all.
Jason sighed and ran his hands across his face. This definitely wasn't what he thought was going to happen when they had unexpectedly been called in while they were all on temporary suspension, but years of leading Bravo had conditioned him to be ready for just about anything. He had noticed that things had been rough for Sonny the last time they were in Colombia and he could definitely see that he was spinning out a little, but he'd just assumed that he'd pull himself out of it like he always did. Now that he knew just how bad things had gotten, he couldn't help but feel like he had let his brother down, even though he had been dealing with his own issues at the time and hadn't really been able to focus on anything other than his TBI and getting through the mission. Sonny could certainly be one of his most volatile teammates, but he was also one of the most loyal and Jason knew that when he put his mind to it, Sonny was just as capable as any of the other senior members of Bravo. Despite his reactive tendencies, Sonny always came through when they needed him and as far as Jason was concerned, that was what mattered most.
"Technically, we were Omega the last time around. Can't break Bravo rules if there's no Bravo."
"That's bull and you know it," Sonny scoffed. He appreciated what Jason was trying to do, but he didn't want him making exceptions for him. Actions had consequences and as much as it killed him to lose Bravo, he would take full responsibility for what he'd done.
Jason nodded in recognition, he should have known that Sonny wouldn't go for his lame attempt at rationalization. For all his faults, Sonny always owned up to his mistakes. Jason sighed and stepped a little closer to Sonny, his hand firmly gripping his shoulder.
"I'll tell you what I know," he kept his voice low even though they were the only ones in the room. "I know that in spite of everything that happened in Dibulla, you got your shit together when it mattered. You came through for the team, like you always do. Without you, we would have never taken down that enrichment facility and the Venezualans would have nukes by now. I know that when Clay got hit by that RPG in Mali, you used your own med kit to help him and you're the one that stayed back with him in Ramstein. When they finally brought him back to the States for his recovery, you were the one that was with him every step of the way at Walter Reed, that is what I know."
Sonny shrugged a little and looked down. "Any one of us would have done the same. He was our brother. Besides, Clay saved my life that day, if anyone was going to step up for him, it was going to be me."
"You know, you can tell yourself that you did all that because you felt like you owed Clay but we both know that you have done the exact same thing regardless. There isn't anything you won't do to help a brother in need. I'm just…I'm just sorry that none of us realized how much you needed us in Colombia."
"C'mon J., you know this ain't on you. I was the one you pushed everyone away and besides you had enough on your plate down there."
"Yeah, that's true, but you remember what you told me when we were looking for Ray in those mountains a few years ago? This world is a hell of a lot easier to navigate when you've got someone to lean on. I think we both lost sight of that during the Omega."
"Yeah, I guess we did," Sonny admitted quietly.
"Alright, so how about we make a pact right now? If we're ever in a tough spot again, we'll reach out for help. What do you say?" Jason held out his fist to Sonny, as he waited for his response.
"Wait. You mean, you're not kicking me off of Bravo?" Sonny asked with a bewildered look on his face.
"There's no Bravo without you, man. So, are you just going to leave me hanging here or do we have a deal?"
Sonny smiled and bumped his fist with Jason's in agreement, "Deal."
"Alright then," Jason wrapped one arm around Sonny's shoulder and grabbed his bags with the other. "Let's go show those cake-eaters what Bravo can do."
"Roger that, Boss."
Lisa leaned back against her seat on the C-17 and took a few calming breaths trying to digest everything that had just happened in the last hour. She had hated leaving the way she did earlier, but she had no choice, the mission had to come first and if she was being honest she had no idea what to make of Sonny's confession right now anyway. She had known that something serious must have happened down there by the way Clay had given Sonny the cold shoulder when they got back but never in her wildest dreams would she have ever imagined that Sonny would have gone so far off the rails. Drugs? Gang bangers? What in the world had happened during those two days he had been gone? The anger and confusion she was feeling quickly made way for overwhelming guilt. Her best friend had been off the grid for 48 hours and she had barely noticed. He'd already been gone for a day when Clay had asked her if she knew where he was and it wasn't until that moment that she realized that he hadn't been back to the safe house.
For over a decade, she and Sonny had been practically inseparable while on deployment. Whenever they had any kind of downtime, they always gravitated towards each other and spent countless hours hanging out together. But all that changed when she had decided that they couldn't be friends, right before they were deployed on the Keating. She hadn't wanted to completely cut him out of her life, but she knew that being so close to him and not being able to be with him would hurt too much and she was just trying to make things a little easier. She'd convinced herself that it was for the best but in hindsight, she couldn't have been more wrong. They had both tried to move on but their attempts had been in vain, and resulted in Sonny spiraling worse than he ever had before, while she eventually ended up completely immersing herself in her work after things went south with Grant.
The sound of the guys boarding the plane breaks her out of her thoughts. Her gaze immediately drifts to Sonny and their eyes lock for a moment as he makes his way towards her. She quickly looks back towards her laptop in a desperate attempt to appear busy, but Sonny isn't deterred as he quietly takes a seat next to her. "Listen, Lisa, I know I messed up real bad this time" he sighs softly as he tries to find the right words.
"Sonny, we can't do this right now," she cuts him off, unable to keep the quiver out of her voice, "not here."
Sonny lets out a defeated breath. "Yeah, you're probably right. I, uh, I'll just let you get back to your work." He stands to leave but Lisa grabs his hand before he can walk away.
"Sonny, wait…"
He turns back toward her with a confused look on his face. She squeezes his hand reassuringly and repositions her hand so that she's holding onto his index finger with her whole hand. She's not sure how or when that became a thing for them but she was grateful for it now because it allowed her to convey to him all the things she couldn't say out loud yet. They'd been through so much in the last few months and she couldn't help but remember what Sonny had said to her the night of Clay's send-off… 'you're the only best friend I've got left'...
She still didn't know how she felt about everything that had happened in Colombia, but she knew that she wasn't willing to sacrifice their friendship for anything. They'd already lost so much precious time over the last couple of years, and in spite of everything, she knew that she needed him in her life just as much as he needed her. She looked up at Sonny with tears in her eyes. "I'm not going anywhere, okay? I just need some time."
Sonny softly rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, "I'll wait as long as you need, Leese."
Lisa had spent every single second she wasn't working in Colombia, scouring news articles, police reports and anything that could give her any insight into what had happened with Sonny and Clay in Dibulla. From what she had gathered, the gang that Sonny had apparently gotten himself mixed up with was known as Hijos del Diablo. Given that they were a low level local gang, the police had seemingly chalked up the body count at the hotel to run-of-the-mill gang violence that was common in the area. As far as she could tell, there were no open investigations, but Lisa had still asked Mandy if she had any old contacts in the area that could help them make sure there was nothing that could ever lead back to Sonny. The last thing they needed was for a witness or some old surveillance footage to come back to haunt them.
She pulled out her phone and quickly read through Mandy's last message one more time, thankful that her friend was able to come through for her so quickly. She wasn't surprised though, Mandy always found a way to make the impossible possible and there wasn't anything she wouldn't do to protect any one of the guys. She didn't know exactly what Mandy did but she had assured her that there wasn't anything that could ever lead back to Sonny. Her exact words were, "it's like they were never there." Lisa smiled as she put her phone away. She definitely owed Mandy several cases of beer and maybe even a nice bottle of champagne.
Now that she was sure that Sonny was in the clear, she felt like she could finally relax a little. She knew that she and Sonny had a lot to talk about, but for the first time since she found out about everything that had happened, she finally felt like everything would be okay. She looked across the plane and spotted Sonny sitting on his own at the far end of the aircraft. It wasn't unusual for the guys to go off on their own as a way to unwind on the flight back, but she knew that wasn't why Sonny was sitting alone right now. He was giving her time, just like she had asked him, but she knew that not being able to talk to her was killing him. It would probably be best to wait until they were in private to talk, but if she was being honest, the distance between them was starting to get to her too and she really didn't want to wait any longer.
"Hey." She said softly, as she approached him. Sonny nods in acknowledgment and whispers "hey" without looking up. She sits next to him and puts her hand on his back. "I wish you would have come to me. I knew that you were hurting, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it was. Or maybe I just didn't want to see it."
He finally turns to look at her. "Yeah well, it's not like I was being all that agreeable at the time. I mean, the way I was treating you, I don't blame you for staying away. Besides, you had other things to worry about. It ain't on you to stop me from self-destructing."
"But you're my best friend Sonny and I just abandoned you when you needed me the most."
Out of everything that came out of Sonny's confession, that was what was troubling her the most. How could she have let herself get so consumed with work that she had completely missed that her best friend was falling apart? When he had angrily lashed out at her and blamed her for Hannah leaving, she had convinced herself that what Sonny needed was some time and space to cool off, so she had kept her distance. But in her heart, she knew that was a cop out. The truth was, she wasn't willing to admit that maybe Sonny wasn't entirely wrong. She hadn't set out to make Hannah feel like there was still something between her and Sonny, but that's what always tended to happen whenever she and Sonny were around each other. Even before they became more than friends, they had been giving people the wrong idea for years. The bond that they shared was just something they couldn't hide, even when they tried. She was sure the only reason they had been able to hide their relationship from the team for so long was because they were all so used to seeing how close she and Sonny were, but that wasn't the case with outsiders. She couldn't even remember how many fights she'd had about it with various boyfriends over the years.
"I uh I don't know why I always do that," she continued softly. "I push you away whenever I start seeing someone else and that's not fair, Sonny. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I get it. I mean the lines between us do tend to blur pretty easily. I guess it's just easier to try and make a clean break. Besides, I'm sure Grant wouldn't have been too happy to have me dragging you into my messes."
Lisa scoffs a little at the mention of Grant. "Yeah well, making Grant happy wasn't exactly a priority of mine anymore."
"Wait what? What the hell are you talking about, Davis?" He knew that she wasn't seeing Grant anymore but he had thought that was a more recent development. Had Lisa really stopped seeing him back then? She hadn't mentioned anything when he told her that Grant would also be proud of her when that captain said he wanted to try and fix the issues she had brought up in her paper. Although, now that he thought about it, she did seem a little squirrely when he mentioned Grant but he'd just assumed it was the natural awkwardness of discussing your current relationship with your ex.
"Forget it. It's not important," she shrugged and shook her head dismissively, but he saw the hurt that briefly flashed in her eyes before she quickly tucked it away.
"Come on now, that might work on the others, but I think you're forgetting how well I know ya darlin'. What am I missing here?"
She sighed and gave him a small smile. She should have known he'd see right through her. "Actually, I'm the one who missed something. I missed a whole lot of somethings really, like a whole other girlfriend in DC."
Sonny can't hide the look of utter shock from his face. He shakes his head in disgust and mutters, "idiot."
"I know. Some intel officer, right? I can't even recognize the signs that the guy I'm dating is seeing someone else."
"Not you, Lisa! Him. He's the idiot."
"Oh…" she says, giving him a small sheepish smile. "Well, idiot or not, I never should have let my relationship with him pull me away from our friendship." She sighed a little before continuing.
"It used to be easier, you know, convincing them that we were just friends. But after things got real with us, I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't argue that we didn't mean anything more to each other than just friends. I guess I thought it was just better to avoid the whole thing by keeping you at a distance. Conflict avoidance — it's a classic Davis move. See, I told you I was an idiot."
"Hey, quit talking about my girl that way." He lightly bumped her shoulder with his, keeping his tone light and joking even though the look in his eyes revealed his true feelings.
Lisa blushes a little at the term of endearment and looks down at her hands. "You still think of me as your girl?" she whispered softly.
"Yeah, you'll always be my girl," Sonny admits quietly, reaching out to take her hand in his. In spite of everything that had happened between them and everything they had been through, Lisa was still the woman he loved. She was the first woman he ever truly loved and he knew that he would never love anyone else the way he loved her. "I just hope that I haven't completely ruined my chances at calling you that." He squeezes her hand softly before continuing. "I know saying I'm sorry doesn't even come close to cutting it right now, but I am so sorry, Lisa. I swear to you, nothing like that will ever happen again. I know I tend to go all scorched earth when I'm upset or hurt, but I'm really trying to get a handle on all that. You know, trying to find better ways to cope and all."
"You are?" she asked with genuine curiosity and the tiniest hint of disbelief.
"Yeah, uh, I was helping Naima at the vet center the other day. She, uh, needed someone to set up some more bookcases in the library they've got there and well, see, they had this book there about different ways to cope when things get rough. Figured it was worth a shot, you know. Turns out, it ain't half bad. It's um giving me a different perspective on things and, uh you know, helping me understand things about myself a little better," he admitted quietly.
"Wow, that's incredible. I'm so proud of you," she nods softly as tears fill her eyes. "And I'm really glad it's helping because I don't ever want to see you hurting yourself like that again, Sonny."
"I won't. I promise," he says, brushing away a stray tear that had made its way down her cheek.
"I'm going to hold you to that, Quinn. I mean it, because if anything were to ever happen to you, I don't know that I'd survive it."
"You have my word, Lisa," he promised. "So does this mean we're good?" he asked tentatively.
Lisa saw the hopeful look in his eyes and bit her lip. There was still one thing she needed to know before she could truly put this whole thing to bed.
"Were you ever going to tell me?" She blurted it out before she could change her mind. "I mean if we hadn't gone back to Colombia, would you have told me what happened?"
"Lisa, you have to believe me; I never meant to keep it from you this long, I swear," he sighed heavily. "It's just between the ambush in Mali and what happened to Clay; there just never seemed to be a good time. Things were finally starting to get back to normal with us and I didn't want to risk losing it again so soon. Of course, then I went and messed it up anyways with my irrational temper. I'm really tryin' to work on that," he rambled a little and she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze. Only then did he notice that she was still holding his hand. A wave of relief rushed over him as he realized that Lisa hadn't let go of his hand. Even though they were surrounded by all their teammates and various other staff members, even though he'd kept all this from her, even though he'd given her every reason to give up on him, she was still here holding his hand.
He took a steadying breath and continued, "Listen, Lisa, honestly, I think part of me was always worried that this whole mess would come back and bite me in the ass one day and I just couldn't stand the thought of putting you in a difficult spot with Command because of it. You've come so far and I'm so proud of you and I can't bear the thought of it all being compromised because of me. It's bad enough that I nearly wrecked everything with that whole Decker mess." Sonny sighed and hung his head a little.
"Hey, look at me." Lisa reached over and gently tilted his head up so he was looking at her. "First of all, I already told you, Decker deserved it and my only regret is not getting the chance to punch him myself. So you can stop feeling guilty about that, okay? I mean, sure, we had some fallout to deal with, but it was worth it. And you know, maybe we can both hold off on punching people for a little bit."
"Yeah, I think we can manage that," he chuckled.
"And as for what happened in Dibulla," Lisa continued. "You don't have to worry about that either."
"What? What do you mean?" he asked incredulously.
"Police records show that there aren't any open investigations about it and it seems like no one's really interested in pursuing the matter further. But I had Mandy look into it anyway and she made sure there wasn't anything to find even if someone were to ever look into it."
"When did you have time to do all that?" he asked, still trying to process everything she had just said.
"Well, we did have some down time during the mission," she shrugged and gave him a small smile.
"I...I don't know what to say. That's incredible. I can't believe it," he stammered, still a little shocked that she would do all that for him. "Thank you, Lisa. I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, but I'm so grateful to have you in my life. And if you'll let me, I'll spend the rest of my life doing whatever I can to prove it to you."
"I don't need you to prove anything to me, Sonny; just no more secrets, okay? No matter how bad you think it is."
"No more secrets, I promise. But that goes both ways, too. I mean I know you're basically Wonder Woman, but that doesn't mean you have to go through everything on your own. I know how much it must have hurt to find out that jackass was cheating on you and I hate that you felt you couldn't rely on your best friend for support."
"Okay, that's fair," she agreed softly. "But for the record, I do know that I can rely on you, it's just that old habits are hard to break sometimes. I'm sorry if I ever made you doubt that."
"It's alright, just as long as you know that I'll always have your back, no matter what. Even if all we can be right now is best friends." They were, as usual, in murky territory in their relationship. While they had grown so much closer ever since they had made up at Clay's memorial at the Bulkhead, nothing had really changed for them as far as the UCMJ was concerned. He knew they would have to figure it all out soon, but for now, all that mattered was that they were still a part of each other's lives.
Lisa smiles back at him and whispers, "I know," before lifting his hand up to her lips and lightly brushing her lips across the back. She then took his arm and draped it over her shoulder as she settled in closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder.
Sonny was a little surprised by this open display of affection, but if she was okay with it, he certainly wasn't going to complain. Relief washed over him as the anxiety he'd felt about everything that had happened in Dibulla finally started to lift.
"I can't believe this is really over," he sighed, breaking the comfortable silence that had settled between them. "I never realized just how much this whole mess was weighing on me. I'm definitely going to owe Miss Mandy several cases of beer and maybe even some of that fancy champagne she likes."
Lisa let out a soft giggle and it was the sweetest sound to his ears. "Yeah, I was thinking the same thing," she admitted. "We definitely owe her for coming through for us so fast."
"We…" Sonny sighed contentedly, "I like the sound of that, you know, us being a 'we'."
"Me too," she smiled and snuggled in just a little bit closer to him, shifting so that her head was resting on his chest. She let her eyes drift close as she enjoyed the comfort of his embrace. After the emotional rollercoaster they had just been through, she was more than happy to let the sound of Sonny's steady heartbeat lull her into the most peaceful sleep she'd had in quite some time.
