Gabriel paced in front of the small black coffee table in his apartment living room, hand over his mouth, lost in his own thoughts, while Amélie poured herself a glass of wine in the kitchen. She came to the living area, sat herself back on the sofa and looked at Gabriel over her glass of wine.
"You may begin," she said.
"You're gonna judge me, I know it." Gabriel glanced over at her as he continued pacing.
"Of course. You would not have asked me here if you wanted sympathy, you wanted rationale. Out with it." She sipped her wine casually as Gabriel sat down next to her on the sofa. He stared at one of the decorative bird skulls he kept scattered around his house, his mind now starting to replay the events of that day.
"I think I fucked up, really bad. I don't know where to start." He sat with his head on his chin, shaking his leg, trying to think straight while he felt yellow eyes on him like a spotlight.
"You went on a mission. Did it not go well? You've had missions fail before. They've never distressed you like this," she said, in a very matter of fact manner. She had known him a long time, and picked up his habits long ago.
"No. I don't know. It's complicated."
"Start from the beginning."
"We went to the safe house to prep for the mission." Gabriel started, and ran a hand through his hair. "It didn't go exactly to plan, he shouldn't have had to get involved." He took a deep breath. "But we got what we needed."
"Mmm. Is that it?" Amélie asked unenthused, as she leaned back onto the sofa and took a sip from her glass.
Gabriel paused for a minute as he replayed the events in his head. "It's when we got back to the safe house."
He looked away as his face turned red in embarrassment.
"Ok, go on." Amélie prompted, when he didn't continue on his own.
Gabriel took a deep breath in his nose. He stood back up, and started to pace back and forth in front of the coffee table again.
He stared down at the ground as he recounted the events. "When we go back to the safe house, as soon as we got in the door, Val started stripping down in the hallway like he's a pole dancer, running around the house in his boxers, half naked." He stroked his facial hair out of habit as he thought, and continued. "I went to take a shower. He said he would wash my clothes with his, so when I showered I left the door unlocked, I guess."
Amélie squinted, only nodding as Gabriel spoke. "I felt like I was in the shower for a few minutes, you know what this crazy bastard does?" He stopped pacing to turn toward the woman sitting on the couch, now passionately recounting his tale. "He climbs in with me! Stupid bimbo starts chatting me up like it's the breakfast table."
"And he's still up and walking after that?" Amélie asked as she raised her eyebrows.
"I told him to get out!" He started again, flustered. "He started yelling at me that I'd been in there an hour and I had to get out so he could wash the blood and guts off of him."
"So, did you get out, or did you make him get out?" Gabriel bit the inside of his lip, hand still on his now burning face, the worst part yet to come. "Or did you two decide to fight right there in the shower?" Amélie took another sip of her wine, staring over her glass expectantly. Gabriel stared back at her, then glanced away for a second in guilt, not sure how to respond.
"I was tired." He said back flatly, unsure how else to respond.
"You let him stay?" Amélie asked, a little shocked and confused.
"I didn't want to fight," Gabriel said as he ran a hand through his hair.
"Hmm." She sat up and set down her glass on the end table, maintained her pristine posture and said, "Continue." He paced a few steps again before sitting back down next to her, shaking his leg.
"We were showering, he came onto me." Amélie only stared back, waiting for him to continue. "And I didn't stop him." Gabriel stared forward at the small skull on his coffee table, avoiding her gaze, not wanting to try and guess what judgment she was passing.
"I see." Amélie placed her cold hand gently on his arm. "Gabriel, what do you mean by 'you didn't stop him', did you not want him to?" She asked, tilting her head.
"This bitch wants me to say it out loud," he thought to himself, groaning.
Glaring at her, he said, "I wanted him to, alright? I had a long day, I needed a distraction, he was already throwing himself at me in the shower." He pulled his arm away, sitting back and crossing his arms over his chest.
As he glared at her, he caught the corner of her mouth as it twitched into a smirk.
"Right, screaming for you to get out is quite the seduction tactic."
"Shut up. He gave me the once over in the shower and then started frisking me, alright? It's not like it came out of nowhere."
"And you did nothing to contribute to that of course," she said sarcastically, leaning over to pick up her glass.
"Hey, it's not like I invited him into the shower! He's been flirting with me for days, getting in my space, leaning on me, lifting his shirt up to show off, and I wasn't interested."
Amélie raised an eyebrow at him. "Gabriel, you don't have to justify yourself, I don't care."
"You're making fun of me. I'm in existential anguish and you're making jokes.
"You're acting like a toddler."
"Quit making fun of me."
"I'm not making fun of you. I'm sure you weren't interested before, but I don't think you were upset with the stroke to your ego either." Gabriel glared at her, clenching his jaw as he started to grow aggravated with her. "I just don't see the issue here," she said in response to the tendrils starting to leak off of his body.
"The issue is I slept with Val, I feel like shit, and I don't know why." Gabriel leaned his head back on the couch, staring at the ceiling, his arms still crossed.
"Well, isn't that quite the predicament? You're both adults, he clearly wanted you. And you wanted him too?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Did you not enjoy it?"
"That's," He took a moment to answer, embarrassed to admit it. "That's not it."
"Did he?"
A couple memories of Val's voice made his heart beat hard.
"Oh, he did."
"So after, then, did something happen? I can't imagine he wanted something more."
"I might have," Gabriel covered his eyes with hand. "I might have misread the situation."
"Gabriel," she said disappointed.
"Don't do that," he said and looked over at her. "You weren't there!"
She gave him an irritated look. "What did you do?"
"I didn't do anything! It's all him, I'm telling you!" She gave a flat stare back while waiting for a real answer. "I didn't want him to get the wrong idea, but I already felt like shit about it the next morning. I just didn't want to talk about it."
"The wrong idea? Have you heard the names some of the agents call him? I think I heard one of the girl's call him the 'village bicycle' the other day."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"
"Middle schooler's use that one, are you serious?" She rolled her eyes. "Because everyone gets a ride."
"Oh…" Gabriel raised his eyebrows, nodding. "To be fair, I already thought he was wearing my shirt, then he started calling me by my first name, and I thought he made me food. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him we shouldn't talk about it, and we didn't. Probably because I ignored and blocked him. Which might have been the wrong move because he didn't make me food, we wear the same size shirt, and we were on the same page all along and he didn't think anything of it." He rushed through his story quickly, already embarrassed enough as is, and even more by how stupid he handled the situation after, and his isn't what they were supposed to be talking about.
Amélie rubbed her forehead. "You dumbass. You are truly a special one. I don't see where there was ever any problem besides you causing them."
"Do you always feel the need to be a cunt and make me feel like shit about myself, or just when you come to my house?" He leaned his head over, turning his brow down both in curiosity and anger. She was blunt enough as it was, but he felt she was being unnecessary.
"If you wanted someone to rub your nuts for you maybe you should've called V," Amelie said into her drink, which maybe would have muffled her sentence if he wasn't looking at her through the glass.
"I'm going to need you to fix your fucking attitude right now Lacroix." Gabriel's blood pressure rose very quickly, his face heating up, blood boiling, and already the tendrils leaking off of his body grew exponentially.
"Now, don't expect me to take your attitude lying down."
That was not a sorry, and Gabriel exploded, launching himself off of the sofa.
"Look, I know on planet Widowmaker where it's ok to murder your husband, you can be an insensitive prick to other people in their house, but for the rest of us humans with emotions, you have to be fucking sensitive to other people's feelings! So I'm gonna need you to check the attitude, or get the fuck out of my house!" He pointed at the door angrily, black smoke steaming from his body as he breathed heavily.
"Wow," Amelie said, staring up at him. "Are you done with your tantrum now? Wonderful. That would really hurt my feelings, frankly, if I could give a shit. Fortunately, I can't. That's why you talk to me, because I'm the rational one, even when you lash out like this. Now, is this any way to treat your closest friend?"
He only stared back silent, clenching his fist, continuing to breathe heavily, his body burning and stinging from the destabilization.
"That's quite the sore subject for you. Why? There's no reason to be upset."
"I don't know why! I just feel a cloud of guilt hanging over my head and you're not helping right now!" He said, as his body started to stabilize.
"You don't have any reason to feel guilty. You both wanted it, you both seem to agree it's nothing more, you're the only one taking issue with it now."
"I know! That's the crazy thing you wouldn't understand without any feelings, they aren't always rational!" He started to pace the living room again, the cloud of black vapor growing smaller as he started to cool off from his episode.
Amélie sighed. "Ok, I will be the rational one, and make this short for you, because you are not looking at the entire picture here." She took a sip of her drink before setting it down, then leaned forward, her hands on her knees. "You presented disinterested to V, correct? And then changed your mind, which would be fine, but it was very sudden. Have you considered that, perhaps, you may just be displeased or still grappling with the thought of being attracted to him at all?"
He was so taken aback he stopped, turning to Amélie.
"… Are you asking if I'm homophobic? After knowing one of my best friends was gay? Lacroix, I don't care that he's a man." He said, now more confused than angry, only a few tendrils trailing from his body.
"… No, you iron-domed birdbrain. I'm asking if maybe, after having been married to one woman for decades, you may not have been ready to be with a new person." She crossed her arms and her legs, sitting back into the couch and staring at him, waiting.
He glared at her. "Why do you feel the need to bring that up? I'm not still hung up on Martina."
"I didn't say that. I simply asked if you were ready to be with a new person," she answered, glaring back.
"If you and everyone else in my life stopped bringing up old shit maybe I fucking would be at this point." He gave a dismissive wave, and started pacing again, as clearly Widow would be no help today.
"I see. So we aren't ready to address that one then. I'm out of wine."
"And I'm out of patience. And beer money. I spent it all on your stupid wine."
"And it's box wine. Shame. I suppose everyone is disappointed today, Gabriel." She set the glass down on the coffee table and stood up.
"Yeah, yeah, get out of my house."
Gabriel walked her to the door, and waved her goodbye. Just as he was about to close the door, he felt a vibration in his pocket. Rolling his eyes, annoyed, he pulled out his phone to find a notification from Val. He groaned and shut the door aggressively.
After getting ready for bed, he sat on the edge of his bed and decided to finally check his messages.
Val
I'm in town tomorrow text me if you wanna hang out or something
Gabriel sighed, and rolled his eyes, tossing his phone onto his nightstand. He laid down and stared at the ceiling, lamenting for a few minutes how this man would not get out of his head for one day, until he finally decided to get under the covers and go to sleep.
The next day he did have plans. He had to spend his first day off like he spent every first day off a contract: cleaning his apartment. Unfortunately, now in the late afternoon he stood in the middle of his living area after cleaning his apartment top to bottom, and had to find something to fill the rest of his day.
With a few hours to spare, he decided to sit on the couch, watch basketball, and clean his guns. Just like he did every other time he was off. Once he finished, finding it unusually tedious today, it was late and he was getting bored. Was he only going sit around, watching TV, the entire time he was home? Or drink, or both? And it's not like he had a ton of friends to hang out with, which reminded him of the text he got from Val the day before.
Now wanting to punch himself for letting that man continue to invade his thoughts, he stared at his phone sitting out on his coffee table that now seemed to stare back at him.
"He did say we could just hang out, but if I text him right now it's not going to be to just hang out."
He opened his messages.
Val
Yesterday 12:00 pm
I'm in town text me if you wanna hang out or something
Today 9:00 pm
Hey.
What are you doing right now?
Laying down watching tv
What's up?
Come over.
Right now?
Right now.
I'm not even dressed lol it'll be a minute
Don't come dressed then
Did you hit your head?
Did you fall and can't get up?
You fell in the shower and need my help
On my way!
Shut up
Nevermind
I'm just teasing!
If you want my help in the shower you can just say that 😜
Don't have to throw yourself on the ground for me to come rescue you
You're a brat you know that.
I'll put you in your place one of these days.
Is that a promise?
You can put me in my place right now
Im already getting dressed.
Now why would you go and do something like that?
So only you get to see what's under duh
This present is just for you
When do I get to unwrap it?
I'll be there in 20
By the time Val showed up, strangely with his hair down in a leather jacket and accessorized much more than usual, Gabriel now realized he might have been in over his head.
"So this is what it looks like in here." Val looked up and around, inspecting the living room, running his hand along the coffee table, as Gabriel became increasingly embarrassed watching the other look around the apartment. "You don't like to decorate a lot I guess? You don't have anything up on the walls."
"I'm hardly here, I might have to pack up and relocate, it doesn't seem worth the money." Gabriel said flatly, as he stood with his arms crossed while he observed the other.
Then Val looked over expectantly and asked, "Can I see your room? If you don't sleep in a coffin I'm going to be so sad." Gabriel scoffed, and shook his head, but waved for him to follow, letting Val through the bedroom door first.
Val quietly said, "I feel like I'm being let in on government secrets," while perusing Gabriel's various items and objects on top of the dresser, including a couple bottles of cologne, a stick of deodorant, a couple of watches, and what looked like a couple of rifle cartridges. "Can I look at your stuff?"
"As long as you don't break anything."
Gabriel took a seat on the bed and watched Val take off his black leather bracelet, swapping it with a watch for a moment, stare at it on his wrist, then set the watch back down. Forgetting his bracelet, Val picked up one of the cartridges next and inspected it closer.
"Why do you just have ammo out?" Val asked, and when he picked up the cartridge it revealed a lightweight chain attached to the end.
"Hey, be careful with that. That's my dad." Val's eyes widened before quickly putting the bullet shaped keychain back down.
"Sorry, my bad." He said to Gabriel, then whispered towards the keychain. "Sorry Mr. Reyes."
Val leaned forward, a stack of necklaces Gabriel hadn't noticed before hanging down as the younger man looked over the CD rack on the dresser, his top riding up showing a bit of the small of his back. He pushed his hair out of his face and over his shoulder, then traced his finger over the spines of the CD cases.
Gabriel's eyes were firmly planted on the elastic waistband peeking out from under Val's jeans, until his indecent train of thought was interrupted.
"You really like AC/DC, huh? You have a lot of their albums." Val said, before standing up straight and pulling up his jeans.
"Yeah, they're classic." Gabriel watched as Val poked at his CD player, and popped open the disc reader.
"Oh, Arctic Monkeys, some nice variety." Val closed the CD player, and pressed play, the speakers letting out a smooth bass line.
"I don't even remember the last time I listened to that. I hardly use that thing."
"Really? I love listening to CDs, I collect them. I used to anyway." Val picked up one of the small bird skulls scattered across the room, inspecting it closely. "Is this supposed to be a bird skull?"
"It is a bird skull. It's real, don't break it."
"Oh, right." Val set the skull back down on the dresser and then not so subtly wiped his hand on his jeans.
"Let me put up your jacket." Gabriel stood up and held out his hand toward the other.
Val took off his jacket and handed it over, revealing his toned arms in a band t-shirt, the sleeves cut and bottom slightly cropped, before turning back to look through the dresser clutter. Gabriel slowly approached his closet, opened his closet door, and placed the jacket very carefully on a hanger, noting it carried a sweet smell, like cinnamon and something else.
Once it was neatly placed on the hanger, Gabriel turned back around to find Val laying on his bed, his legs hanging over the edge, holding a copy of V for Vendetta.
"Where'd you find that?"
"It was on your nightstand." Val flipped through the pages casually, skipping through to the middle of the book. His tank top was already cut to just barely cover his stomach with his arms down, but holding up his toned arms like that showed more of his lower abdomen and hips. "Have you finished this already? I've never read it."
"Yeah, a few times. I first read it back in highschool I think." Gabriel said as he sat back down on the bed, with a generous space between them, of course. Val gave a side eye from behind the book, and adjusted his grip so he held the book in one hand and lowered the other hand to the bottom of his shirt, tracing it and raising it ever so slightly for his partner to see more of his stomach.
Gabriel clenched his jaw, feeling completely out of his element. He had a lot of thoughts racing through his head, and maybe half of them were about what he should do next. Val glanced over again and lifted his hand to turn the page. Then, hand moving back down, strategically he stuck his thumb into his waistband, showing off slightly more of his hip bone. Gabriel closed his eyes and bit his tongue.
Frankly, he would rather die than admit it, but he was afraid of making a mistake. What kind of mistake he hadn't quite figured out yet, but the purple haired twink was already in his bed.
"Hey. If you, um, if you changed your mind that's ok. It won't hurt my feelings." Val spoke softly, and Gabriel opened his eyes again. Val had closed the book and rested it on his chest, looking over at Gabriel with a half smile.
"What? No, it's fine." Gabriel huffed and avoided eye contact, the other propped himself up on his arms and pushed his hair back out of his face.
"If you just wanted to hang out instead that's ok, too. But I don't have to stay. You just don't seem very comfortable."
"It's fine," Gabriel grunted, getting frustrated with Val for not listening and himself for not being able to relax.
It was quiet for a moment as Gabriel tried to calm his frustration. Then the bed creaked as Val stood up off the bed and went to the closet, opening the doors.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, I'll just go."
"Val." Gabriel said firmly as Val started to grab his jacket off the hanger, making him stop and turn his head slowly. "You don't listen to a damn thing I say, come here. I want you to stay." Gabriel rubbed the bridge of his nose as Val placed it back on the hanger, then walked to stand in front of him.
"Okay, but you need to relax." Val said firmly while looking down at him, before furrowing his brow in confusion for a moment. He leaned down closer to the older man. Then stood up and grew a devilish grin on his face. "Are you wearing cologne? You are taking this seriously. Are you taking me to dinner and a show too?"
"Shut up, you smell like a damn spice cabinet."
"You don't like it? It's apple cinnamon champagne." Val still smiled, twirling a strand of hair around his finger.
"I only smell the cinnamon."
"Do you want to smell it? I put it on my neck, it smells good." Gabriel waved a finger for Val to come closer, which the younger man responded by sitting on the bed and pulling his hair off to one shoulder.
The two leaned in close, and Gabriel looked down, a little embarrassed being so close to the other's face. Now he could smell the sweet apple, along with the cinnamon and a hint of the champagne as he leaned into Val's shoulder.
"You smell nice." Gabriel breathed, not wanting to lean away.
Violet eyes stared down at the older man's mouth from behind long eyelashes, the usually quick witted man suddenly very quiet. Gabriel noticed he was leaning on Val's knee with his hand. He shifted to lean on his own knee, putting a little more space between them, clearing his throat.
Getting a better look, Val's face was flushed as he looked down smiling, and he tucked his hair behind his ear.
"I'll lead this time, if you want me to." Val said, before looking up expectantly. Gabriel licked his lips, he felt like a highschooler with his voice caught in his throat.
"Can I kiss you now?" Val asked softly.
Gabriel nodded, and Val gently placed a hand on the older man's cheek. Gabriel's eyes started to close as he leaned into the warm hand.
He could feel his heart beat harder as the other leaned in, and the younger man's breath against his facial hair, before soft lips pressed against his finally.
Gabriel was hyper aware of every point of contact, their knees touching, their lips pressed gently together, Val's hand against his chest. Could he feel his heart pounding?
Val's hand started to wander up to his shoulder, then trailing down his arm, to his hand, never breaking the kiss as Gabriel's hand was lifted up to the back of Val's neck. The younger let go of his hand and rested his hand on Gabriel's knee.
Val pulled away, and smiled.
"Gabe, relax, you're trying to tear a hole in your sheets." With the hand not on his knee, Val patted the other's fist that was involuntarily clenching the comforter. "Why are you so stressed?"
Gabriel paused for a moment.
"I don't want to make a wrong move."
"Since when has a bad decision ever bothered you?" Val chuckled and squeezed Gabriel's knee. "It's not that serious. Just do whatever makes you feel good, you're not gonna hurt me."
"I might."
"I'd like to see you try."
—-
The leather of Val's jacket rubbed against itself as he pulled his hair back into a bun. Gabriel sat on the edge of his bed, resting with his hands clasped together in front of his mouth, watching Val pat himself down for his keys.
"Sorry to be in a rush but I have to go smoke so bad. I had a great time though, I'll see you later." Val said, waving with his keys in his hand before walking himself out of the room and closing the door behind him.
The room was quiet now. The CD player had been turned off a while ago, leaving Gabriel alone with his thoughts and his decisions. He stood up to shower and walked over to his dresser, opening the top drawer. There were hardly any shirts in there, he needed to do laundry, and he pulled a t-shirt out of the bottom of the drawer. Underneath he saw a few of his personal items left from his past stuck to the bottom, old family photos. One of him and his wife on their wedding day, and another of his son the day he was born.
Groaning, Gabriel slammed the drawer closed and grabbed the rest of his clothes from the other drawers. He forgot those were there. Walking over to the bathroom the house was quiet as always as he padded down the hallway. Into the bathroom, he turned on the hot water, and already getting late he went to brush his teeth while the water got warm. Unfortunately, the tube just happened to be running empty, and he opened the medicine cabinet to see if he had a spare still. He did luckily, right next to where he kept his old wedding ring. The glint of the gold band made his stomach turn at the moment, and he didn't want to think about why.
Furiously, Gabriel brushed his teeth, not wanting to look at himself in the mirror. He tossed his tooth brush back in the holder, spit in the sink, and quickly got in the shower. The hot water ran across his chest and face like burning hail, not untwisting the pit in his stomach.
Why did he feel like this? He was a mercenary. Rinsing off blood in the shower was no issue, but casual sex made him quake in his boots apparently. It's not like he hadn't had sex before, even casual sex he had before. It wasn't even that he was out of practice for so long.
Gabriel closed his eyes as he leaned forward and let the water run across his back. The glint of his wedding ring was burned into the back of his eyelids. He shouldn't feel attached to a wife who thought he was dead. No, attached wasn't the right word, committed. It's not like he was cheating, he was quite literally dead to her and by all technicality they weren't even married. But with all these technicalities, all these lies, something still felt wrong about it to him. Not that he's ever had a problem doing something wrong, just like Val said.
"Val would tell you you're not doing anything wrong."
The thoughts ate away at the back of Gabriel's mind as he showered, his inner monologue going back and forth with itself. On one hand they were both consenting adults, and it was pretty nice, he shouldn't feel guilty. Should he? On the other hand, if it was perfectly fine then why did looking at those old family photos make him feel so damn awful in the moment.
He climbed out of the shower and dried off, crawling into bed. He was too tired to debate with himself anymore, and there wasn't any taking it back now.
As Gabriel fell asleep, thoughts bled into memories that blended into senseless dreams, his eyes fluttering while closed.
Wree4e5
