The smuggler, Han Solo, sat in the Cantina, having just disclosed a deal with Ben Kenobi and Luke Skywalker. It didn't show on his face, but he was genuinely excited to do this job.

This was more money than he could've hoped for and once he completed the task, him and Chewie could payback Jabba the Hut and live like kings.

When Han got up however, a gun pressed itself to his chest as a familiar face showed its ugly head.

"Going somewhere Solo?" asked Greedo sarcastically.

Han's usual prideful smirk turned into a frown as he begrudgingly sat back down while saying "yes Greedo, I was just going to see your boss. Tell Jabba that I've got his money".

Greedo sat down at the chair across from Han, gun still aimed at the smuggler's head while saying "It's too late. You should've paid him while you had the chance. Jabba has put a price on your head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will come looking for you."

Greedo then lightly chuckled to himself before saying "I'm lucky I found you first."

Han rolled his eyes and said "yeah, but this time I've got the money"

Greedo nodded his head at that statement before saying "If you give it to me, I might forget I found you."

Han sighed and said "I don't have it with me, tell Jabba-" but before he could continue speaking, Greedo interrupted with "Jabba's through with you"

While Greedo spoke, Han was unlocking his blaster from under the table, preparing for the inevitable shootout that would escalate.

Greedo continued talking, unaware of what Solo was doing and said "Jabba has no time for smugglers who drop their shipments at the first sight of an Imperial cruiser."

Han began pulling his blaster out of its holster as he responded with "even I get boarded sometimes, you think I had a choice?"

Greedo cockily said "tell that to Jabba, he may only take your ship."

Han was now ready for a confrontation with Greedo as he said "over my dead body."

Greedo just said "that's the idea."

The bounty hunter then cocked his gun and said "I've been looking forward to this for a long time."

Han just sarcastically responded with "yes, I'll bet you have."

Greedo then finished the exchange with "maclunkey."

Han immediately jumped out of his chair and pulled out a chainsaw. He then swung the metallic device wildly with the intent to decapitate Greedo, but the Rodian blocked it with his bare hands.

Greedo had actually trained for ten years in Shaolin Kung Fu and had turned his body into iron, so the chainsaw shattered against his fist, before Greedo then kicked Han Solo in the chest.

Han Solo's body crashed through a table, before the smuggler just said "well Greedo, seems like you're better than I gave you credit for-"

Han then reached into his pocket and pulled out a Thanksgiving Turkey and finished his statement with "-but let's see you handle this."

Han then threw the turkey at Greedo's face and hit him dead-on, causing the Rodian to go crashing through the wall, directly outside the Cantina where the blazing hot sun of the desert hit his face.

Han then followed Greedo into the outdoors and punched the Rodian in the face once again, making Greedo fall on his ass.

As Greedo was reeling from that punch, Han looked at the desert around him.

"You know, this reminds me of a really funny quote about sand, but I can't remember it for the life of me" said Han.

Greedo stood up once more and opened his mouth, unleashing a torrent of ice breath on Han, freezing him inside a cold block of ice.

Greedo then said "I believe the joke you were thinking of was this!" before summoning the Spider-Man villain, Sandman.

Han just nodded inside his icy prison and internally said "yeah, that's it!"

Sandman then lifted Han into the air, and slammed him down onto the ground, wounding the smuggler and causing him to bleed lowfat Yogurt from his new wounds.

Greedo and Sandman highfived before Sandman then said "I have to go now. There's sand that needs saving" before turning into a rocket ship and flying away.

Greedo then put on a pair of brass knuckles that were made of black holes and punched Han in the face with the power of darkness.

"Give it up Solo, there's no escaping from your responsibility to Jabba" said Greedo before punching Han in the face once again.

Greedo then winded up his fist a third time, but Han caught it in midair and said "no Greedo, I don't think I will and do you know why that is?"

Greedo shrugged his shoulders and nonchalantly asked "why?

Han then struck a dynamic pose and an explosion went off behind him as he said "because this is my Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope."

Greedo just stood there and asked "wut?"

Han then headbutted the Rodian before uppercutting him so hard that he flew up into the cold blackness of space and landed on an asteroid.

Han then hopped onto a giant pizza and flew up into space to go and join Greedo.

Meanwhile in space, Greedo was searching for the smug smuggler with a furious effort.

"Where are you Solo?" said Greedo

"Right here" said Han Solo before landing yet another punch onto Greedo's face. Han then followed up his punch by bashing Greedo in the face with a kitchen sink and finally finishing his combo by slamming Greedo on the head with an anvil, sending the Rodian careening through numerous asteroids until he bonked his head on a random X-Wing.

Han then hopped from asteroid to asteroid until he was standing right next to Greedo. Han then kicked Greedo in the balls before slamming the Rodian's face directly into his knee.

Greedo was now bleeding hefty amounts of blue cream soda as Han finished his attack rush by kicking Greedo so hard that he went back in time to the prequel era!

Obi-Wan stood on the fiery hot mountains of Mustafar as his recently corrupted apprentice dwelled underneath him.

"ITS OVER ANAKIN, I have the high ground!" declared Anakin's former master.

"You underestimate my power" declared Anakin Skywalker.

Obi-Wan began shaking his head as he said "don't try it."

Anakin didn't listen as he attempted to jump onto Obi-Wan's level and cut his former friend to shreds.

However, this did not take, as a portal opened up and Greedo fell directly in Anakin's path.

"WAIT WHAT THE FU-" said Anakin as the Rodian's body pushed him directly into the lava.

As Anakin sunk into the deep depths of the lava, he began screaming "HOLY FUCK SOMEBODY SAVE ME!"

Obi-Wan then began laughing as he said "wow bro, you're trash."

Han Solo then hopped through the portal and kicked Greedo directly in the stomach.

Han then noticed Obi-Wan's lightsaber and said "do you mind if I borrow that?"

Obi-Wan just said "go right ahead."

Han activated the blue blade and began trying to decapitate Greedo once more.

Greedo bobbed and weaved through Han's attacks before setting his sights on Anakin's lightsaber.

Greedo grabbed Darth Vader's old lightsaber and lit the blue blade up. The two scoundrels then began doing battle on the rocky terrain of Mustafar.

Han raised his weapon and began blocking Greedo's precise strikes while Greedo said "you're going to be paying Jabba back, one way or the other."

Han continued parrying Greedo's swings as he said "never Greedo."

Both warriors seemed to know what the other would do before they ended up actually doing it. It truly was a swordfight for the history books.

As Han took one second to catch his breath, Greedo took advantage of this and fired a blue blast of lightning from his hands with the intent on cooking Han alive. The smuggler immediately saw this coming and raised his lightsaber to deflect it.

As Han deflected the force lightning, he pulled out his blaster once more and began firing a stream of kittens at the bounty hunter.

Greedo stopped electrocuting Han as he began slicing each kitten to bits in midair.

Han just stared in shock at the recent kitty massacre he'd just witnessed before saying "oh no, let's hope PETA aren't reading this."

Greedo didn't answer, he instead just raised his hands and fired another blast of force lightning in the smuggler's direction.

As Han deflected the lightning once more, the combined force between the saber and the force powers caused another portal to open, sucking the two scoundrels in.

….

Darth Plagueis sat in his bedroom with his apprentice, Sheev Palpatine, as the both of them drank happily in celebration of their newfound political power. If things continued like this, getting revenge on the Jedi order would be a snap.

Plagueis said "my apprentice, this is a wonderous day. I'm glad to have you by my side" before taking a sip of his drink.

Palpatine grinned and said "I would say the same to you, master"

Plagueis took one more sip and said "my experiments on influencing the midichlorians have almost concluded. Once I've found out how to conquer death, I'd be glad to share this gift with you."

As Plagueis continued drinking, the Sith Lord soon began stumbling and slurring his words.

Palpatine's grin grew even wider as he said "right, the ability to conquer death. It's a real shame that your quest to overcome it ends here."

Darth Plagueis then stopped laughing as he said "I'm sorry what?" before a blast of force lightning began enveloping his entire body.

As Palpatine began torturing his former master, a portal opened up in the middle of the room and Han Solo and Greedo exited, still clashing with their lightsabers.

"Give it up Greedo, you're a failure as a bounty hunter" taunted Han Solo.

"No" said Greedo

"And you've failed your family" continued Solo.

"NO" said Greedo.

"And you crucified Jesus" finished Solo.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Greedo as he ran over and grabbed Palpatine. He then proceeded to use the Sith Lord as a makeshift pair of nunchuks and began to beat Han Solo with the future Chancellor of the Republic.

As Greedo beat up Han he uttered the famous phrase.

"MAC-" said Greedo as he bashed Han Solo.

"-LUN-" said Greedo as one of Han Solo's teeth flew out of his mouth.

"-KEY" finished Greedo as a cracking noise came from Han Solo's skull.

Greedo's assault was relentless, the Rodian wouldn't let up in the slightest. The only thing that drove Han was sheer willpower as he stood up and headbutted Greedo, dazing the Rodian for a second.

Han then ran over to Darth Plagueis and grabbed the former master of Palpatine.

"Bring it on Greedo" said Han.

The two scoundrels began beating each other senseless with the two Lords of the Sith and neither of them seemed to be faltering whatsoever.

As Han blocked another hit from Greedo, he reached into his pocket and pulled out Obi-Wan's lightsaber once again.

The smuggler was now duel wielding a lightsaber and a politician at the same time. The battle hardened aura he exuded was unmatched by any warrior in the galaxy. If one were to see him, they would think he's an unstoppable force of nature, fit to take on any challenge thrown at him.

Greedo then sprayed Han's eyes with Cheese Whiz and the smuggler immediately fell to the ground in agony.

Greedo then began hitting Han repeatedly with Palpatine as the smuggler was helpless to do anything about it.

Very few people knew that Han Solo's weakness was Cheese Whiz, so for Greedo to use the fabled artifact against the smuggler was mega devastating.

Greedo hit Han on the head with Palpatine and caused the smuggler to bleed maple syrup, then he slammed him in the legs with Palpatine, making the smuggler bleed raspberry jelly, and finally, he slammed him in the chest with Palpatine, making the smuggler bleed Cherry Coke.

Before Greedo could continue his assault, Han Solo's eyes lit up and fired a stream of heat vision at Greedo's head, making the Rodian catch on fire immediately.

As Greedo ran around the room screaming "MY HEAD IS ON FIRE", Han got up, pulled out a plate of mac and cheese, and happily munched on the delicacy as Greedo burned in horror.

After a while, Han grew tired of his mac and cheese, and tossed the rest of the food onto the Rodian.

Greedo began screaming even more because that Mac and Cheese was made of the same material that's used in the Death Star laser, so Greedo's flesh began melting off, exposing Greedo's skeleton to the world.

As it turned out, Greedo did not have a skeleton, instead, he had a pretzel stick in place of where his flesh used to be and this stick of salty goodness was PISSED!

The pretzel stick pounced on Han Solo and began beating up the smuggler with his salty exterior.

The sheer what the fuckery of this moment was so powerful that it caused another portal to open up and suck the two scoundrels in.

….
The green grassy field was lit up with violence as Din Djarin fired blast after blast at the stormtroopers who wanted to hurt his son, Grogu.

Moff Gideon yelled "KILL HIM! HE DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH SHOTS FOR ALL OF YOU!"

Mando quickly pulled out a second pistol and just said "wanna bet?"

As The Mandalorian unleashed a red hot flurry of violence against his enemies, a portal opened up in the middle of the battlefield and Han and Greedo exited, once again doing battle with their politician nunchaku, and Greedo had all his flesh back because fuck you.

Mando and Moff just stared in awe as the two scoundrels battled with their political weapons.

Han and Greedo continued doing battle, neither one of them letting up until-

*CRACK*

Darth Plagueis went limp in Han's hands as the smuggler said "damn, they don't make politicians like they used to" before casually tossing Palpatine's master away.

Greedo laughed as he raised Palpatine above his head, ready to strike Han down, but suddenly a *CRACK* came from Greedo's weapon too.

As Greedo tossed Palpatine away, Sheev just abruptly said "I'll return someday".

The two enemies looked around for new weapons to use, until Han spied Mando.

Han immediately ran up to Din Djarin and said "you mind if I borrow this?" before removing Mando's helmet in front of everyone.

The Mandalorian immediately began screaming "MY FACE! GIVE ME BACK MY FACE!"

Han didn't hear the man's pleas, as he punted the sacred helmet at Greedo, knocking the Rodian flat on his ass.

Greedo got back up and dusted himself off before running over to Din Djarin's side and casually picking up Grogu.

"NOT MY BOY!" yelled Din Djarin.

It was too late, as Greedo punted Grogu across the battlefield and hit Han Solo square in the face, causing the smuggler to cough up a tooth.

Han Solo did not seem to be bothered by this, instead, the top of the smuggler's head opened up to reveal his brain. Han's brain then fired a penguin out and hit Greedo in the face, this time causing the Rodian to spit out a tooth.

Greedo wasn't bothered by this whatsoever, he just calmly walked up to Han and kicked him in the balls.

The reaction Han gave wasn't as expected though. Han just smiled as he dropped his pants to the ground and exposed his testicles for the world to see.

As Greedo looked on in awe, Han's scrotum exploded and two balls of blue energy exited from Han's scrotum.

The energy balls exploded in Greedo's face, sending the bounty hunter flying through the field.

Greedo coughed up a stream of hot sauce before saying "impressive Solo, however, I have a little surprise of my own!" before lifting up his shirt at Han.

Instead of a pair of nipples, Greedo had two miniature Death Star lasers attached to his chest.

"Now become one with the Force" said Greedo before firing the lasers at Han Solo, hitting the Smuggler dead-on.

Han flew across the battlefield as both Mando, Moff Gideon, and his leftover Stormtroopers couldn't even believe what they were seeing.

Han got back up and said "well Greedo, it seems like your nipples are more than a match for my testicles, but can you beat THIS!?"

Han casually pulled out a glass of water. He then walked up to Greedo and said "thirsty?"

Before Greedo could answer, Han splashed the water in the Rodian's face.

Greedo just stood there, soaking wet, and asked "what's the trick this time?"

Han said "oh there's no trick, its just simple disrespect."

Greedo stood there in silence. Han stood there in silence. The Mandalorian and the leftover remnants of the Empire stood there in silence. Everyone watched Greedo and waited to see what the Rodian would do as time seemed to stand completely still for all the inhabitants of the galaxy.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" yelled Greedo with the fury of the gods as he tackled Han Solo and began attacking him with all the ferocity he could muster up.

Absolutely nobody disrespected Greedo like this and he'd make sure that Han Solo wouldn't live to see tomorrow.

Greedo punched Han, stomped on Han, headbutted Han, and even bit Han as he did his damndest to make the smuggler hurt.

After a while, Greedo finished his attack rush by pulling out Donkey Kong's coconut gun and firing a blast directly into Han Solo's face.

Greedo stood there, breathing heavily as he had gotten all of his anger out on the smuggler. Now the Rodian had to sit down catch his breath.

In order to reclaim his strength, Greedo pulled out the food that his people favored most. That food being, Lunchables!

Greedo happily munched on a Lunchables pizza like his life depended on it.

As Greedo feasted on his pizza, he felt a finger tap his shoulder.

"Mind if I have some?" asked Han Solo.

"Sure, here you go" said Greedo happily as he gave Han a slice of pizza.

"Thanks" said Han before devouring his slice.

Suddenly, Greedo had an epiphany as he said "hey wait a minu-" but it was too late. Han slapped Greedo across the face with a dildo before punching Greedo in the face so hard that the boogers in his nose went up in mini mushroom cloud explosions.

Han then kicked the Rodian across the battlefield, and a portal swallowed the scoundrels up, leaving nothing in their wake.

The Mandalorian and Moff Gideon just stood there, speechless at what they'd just witnessed.

The two enemies just stood there awkwardly before Moff just casually said "nice moustache."

….

Han and Greedo finally found themselves back at the Cantina of Mos Eisley, as if nothing happened for the past few hours.

Greedo just said "Solo, that was weird."

Han responded with "you said it pal."

Greedo then said "why don't we finish our drinks and call it even?"

Han smiled and said "that sounds delightful."

The two scoundrels then sat back down at the table, sipping their drinks happily.

As Greedo sipped his drink however, he began eyeing Han Solo suspiciously.

Han drank his drink while doing the same to Greedo.

Both of them knew they couldn't let it end like this, and only one of them was leaving here alive.

Silence permeated the air as both scoundrels locked eyes with each other. Neither one of them blinking as they both had a laser trained focus on their enemy.

Suddenly, the silence was broken as Greedo pulled out his blaster and fired a shot at Han Solo.

Han's head moved slightly to the left, causing Greedo's blast to miss completely. Han then pulled out his own blaster in return and fired a shot at Greedo, hitting the Rodian dead-on, killing him immediately.

Han then sheathed his blaster, before getting out of his chair and flipping a coin to the barista.

"Sorry about the mess" said Han.

Han then walked away in a cool fashion in order to join Luke and Ben Kenobi.