Chapter 5: a painful remembrance

Kara tried to sleep. She really did. Artyom was relieved to see Kara unscathed and Seraphine who was back from the market with Yurii, agreed on the fact that she should rest.
Seraphine was old enough to be a grandmother except she had had no such luck. Her crooked back and hooked nose had made her unattractive to the men in her village and she had long given up finding a mate, preferring the comfort of plants and animals. She was the team's botanist and Kara had loved exchanging recipes for potions and tonics during the long winter nights on the Ferdjan Front. If it had taken Kara months for Artyom to trust her, Seraphine has taken her under her wing right away. If her physique was that of a grizzled witch, her behavior was that of a dotting mother. Since Kara could not remember her own mother and had lacked a feminine example for years, she enjoyed the warm fuzzy feeling that came with being cared for. " you look exhausted Dorogaya (sweetheart)" Seraphine said stroking her cheek. You should get some sleep." However, after an hour of tossing and turning in her cot, she returned to the infirmary. She lied and told her team she was refreshed from her nap so that they would not worry.

The prince had awoken and she had sent word to her general. After a moment hesitation, she sent Luka to warn the Darkling. He had a hard time concentrating on Seraphine's explanation of the different uses of seaweed and was thrilled at the opportunity to stretch his legs.
The prince had asked about his cousin and was both relieved that he was safe and alarmed at his state. Artyom had tried talking with the count but his eyes were still vacant and asking questions seemed to wake a deeply embedded terror. Kara had tasked Seraphine, who was of a more gentle nature to care for the man. However, she had little luck in bringing him out of his stupor.

Once the prince had shaved and had a cup of tea, he was ready to receive visits. Indeed, both generals were present as well as Ania and Igor who had participated in his recovery. Once told how he was found and how he was healed, the prince had only thankful words, " I thank all of you for your quick and effective intervention". He took a moment to add, " I know my father and many of the court distrust Grisha but I will see to it that he sees the wonders you have done in healing me". He thought for a moment, " When we leave this place victorious, I will see to it that you may be presented before the king, my father, at the Palace of Os Alta so that your actions may be acknowledged." Kara did not know if that promise would hold but if it did come to be, she would sneak a peak at the Palace library. She took a look at General Kirigan who, for some reason, had kept staring at her, only looking at the prince to receive graciously his gratitude. As she was about to rise from his bedside, the prince caught her hand in his, " If I could ask for your help once more..." He also scanned the room to look at everyone individually, " If there is anything you can do for my cousin so that he may recover his sanity?". Ania looked embarrassed, " Moi Prints, Grisha Small Science manipulates physical matter. I may not have the most experience as a healer, but I do not think we Grisha can do anything for your cousin". Alexhander was thoughtful. Kara could see the flicker of an idea appearing in his eyes but he said nothing. She had an idea of something she could try in theory but she had never put it into practice. She had heard of a way to delve into a person's mind through the use of appropriate words, but it was a long time ago during a brief tea at a fortune teller's home in Kerch. She had taken notes, but she would have to study them meticulously before attempting anything. Kara turned to the Prince, " A solution may not yet appear to us Moi Prints, but I am sure we can try". He sighed and patted her hand, " that is all I ask". He was looking tired and so she suggested they all leave the prince to rest.

As she stepped out into the main room of the barn, Kara had to concentrate hard not to falter and trip. General Kirigan saw this and frowned. General Biryukov turned to Seraphine, " make sure she drinks one of your potent sleeping draughts early tonight,". She nodded and headed to the stockroom to gather what was needed. The grey-haired general patted Kara on the shoulder and headed back to his tent. Ania and Igor were talking heatedly, both boasting on their new medical feats of the last two days as they walked in direction of the canteen for diner. Snow had started to fall and blurred their silhouettes as they grew smaller with distance.

The Darkling lingered behind. Kara rubbed her temples as she felt an oncoming headache. She wanted to drink Seraphine's potion and crawl under her quilt. However, the Darkling seemed to be expecting a conversation. He opened his mouth and closed it again, unsure on how to start. Kara scowled, " Have you stayed to finish this morning's lecture? For your information I've had it with General Biryukov after you forcefully summoned me to your tent". Alexhander looked like a crow ruffling his feathers under his black fur coat, " That was not my intention no." He thought for a moment," I wanted to share an idea, see what you thought". Kara was taken aback. The Darkling wanted her advice? she sighed," I am unsure if I can help". Alexhander smiled, " I'm only asking that you listen and give my your insight. Maybe something will emerge." He sat on a chair near a small table which served as Kara's office. The table was covered with books for inventory, checking soldiers in and out of the infirmary and jotting down the remedies given to them. he joined his gloved hands together, palm against palm, " what have you heard of my Grisha powers?". She frowned, unsure of herself" I heard you can summon darkness and shape it to your will". He nodded, " Not only that. I can associate different... textures to that darkness. I can make it cold and wreathed with dread. I can also make it blot out any sounds to create absolute silence. I can also make it profoundly dark so as to become invisible". Kara's curiosity was captured, " and why are you telling me this?". He paused and slowly said, " The prince's cousin...do you think I could help?". Kara was startled but liked where this was going. She rubbed her chin in thought, " You mean use darkness to...reassure him in a way? Make him resurface?". Alexhander nodded, " To be clear, my motive is not to save a pompous count who had no place on a war front such as this." he readjusted his black coat to better shield him from the chill, " I believe the man was tortured by our Ferdjan adversaries and that he may be the key in locating their base. That key is out of reach, so long as he remains petrified as he is". Kara rubbed her eyes, trying to keep them open. Her headache was turning into a migraine. " Can this wait until tomorrow? If I do not rest I cannot guarantee that out trial will be efficient". Alexhander got up from the chair, " No, we try this now. This oversized skirmish has lasted long enough". Kara was irritated by his lack of empathy, however she also understood the responsibilities that must rest upon his shoulders. She bit her tongue to avoid saying something snappy that she would regret, " Fine, give me an hour and we'll try something together".

Kara slipped to the stockroom where Seraphine had just about finished showing Yurii how to do the sleeping draught, seated by a brewing cauldron. The old woman raised her gaze from her young apprentice to Kara and stiffened. " you don't plan on resting do you?". Kara rubbed her temples to push away the throbbing of her head, " The Darkling wants us to try getting the prince's cousin talking." Seraphine was appalled, " I've tried already, in many different ways! I spoke gently to him, I tried to shake him, bargain with him, beg him. All I got were weeps, whimpers and cries." Yurii looked frightened, " what's wrong with him then?". Kara sometimes forgot how young and naive the boy was. He was too young to be a healer's apprentice on the war front. No older than 12 years of age, Seraphine had found him begging for food at Chenast's food market, too poorly dressed against the bitter weather of the north. After finding out that the scrawny boy has not eaten in 3 days and with no family to call his own, Seraphine had taken pity and brought him back to camp. Kara had had to find a reason to justify his bread and board by the First Army and declared he had to make himself useful. she had thought of negotiating with Magda, the head cook, to hire him washing dishes, but the boy had refused to leave Seraphine's side. She had reluctantly accepted he remain in the infirmary as an apprentice but kept him away from the most gruesome wounds. Kara turned to Yurii, " We do not know what is wrong with him, but General Kirigan believes he was tortured. Pain can break a man's mind. That is why it is important as healers that we know how to relieve a patient's discomfort". Yurii played with the corner of the blanket on his lap, " But how do you remove pain from the mind?"
Kara smiled gently, " that is an excellent question. Being kind and knowing how to listen are important but sometimes insufficient". Kara turned to Seraphine, " Where can I find feverfew Seraphine?" She scowled, " If you want to treat an incoming migraine, better add white willow and rosemary". Kara nodded and went to retrieve the herbs from their jars on the shelves. She drank the herbal mixture from a steaming metal cup while reading her notes on how to tap into the subconscious mind.

There had been a lot of hocus pocus around the fortuneteller's explanation for mind inquiring as she called it, but the base of it was to find a way to ground the person to something real, an anchor to which the inquired could hold onto to feel safe and reveal their most profound feelings and desires." Kara has left their discussion, deciding not to use such practice since it delved into a patients intimacy and could provoke irrevocable damage if not used properly. However, considering the state of the prince's cousin, she felt she had no choice to make him resurface.

She put away her notes and walked slowly to the prince's room, no more than a privatized corner of the barn. He would be moved to his private quarters the next day. She knocked on the door and waited for his approval to come in. His eyes were still foggy with sleep and she apologized for the inconvenience. " Moi Prints, I am trying to think of a way to help your cousin." The prince sat straighter in his bed, listening intently. Kara continued " To attempt what I have in mind, I need a happy memory, a place where your cousin might have felt safe and loved?". The prince scratched his chin, " I have not seen much of my cousin in the past few years but we played often as children. My father would sent me to my uncle's manor every summer." He smiled as the memories came to him, " We used to bathe in this pond behind the manor and hide our clothes in the crook of a weeping willow. We would dry out in the sun and his nyanya (Nanny) would bring us Oladyi with honey and a glass of milk." The prince sighed, " I know I am fond of those memories but what of my cousin? His father was hard on him so I do not know if that manor is a good memory to call upon". Kara drank his words, trying to remember everything he said. " How was his mother?" The Prince hesitated, " She was a kind woman who dotted on him. However her health was frail and she hardly left her room. I know that my cousin missed the times they would have sweet tea by the fireplace where she would read him fairytales of all sorts". He looked at Kara, " He loved her that is certain but did he feel safe with her, I do not know. She never interfered when his father decided he had earned himself a beating. The only times his father left him alone was when I was there. He was too afraid I would say something to my father. I did eventually and my cousin came to study in Os Alta away from his father when his mother died". Kara's eyes softened, moved by the kindness shown to a suffering boy. Kara hesitated, " I do not mean to pry, but I was wondering if you remembered if his mother called him by any special diminutive?". The prince's eyes shifted as if looking deep into murky souvenirs. He licked his lips, his eyes shining with tears, " Solnishko... she called him Solnishko". Embarrassed by the sudden show of emotion, he dismissed her.

The Darkling had been reading some letters in his tent when he received word from a soldier that the Otkazat'sya healer was ready to interrogate the prince's cousin. She had shown talent and intuition so far and he hopes she would be as lucky in this attempt. His patience had grown thin on this war front and he could not wait to head back to Os Alta. Soon would be the time to send his Grisha emissaries to the four corners of Ravka to test young children and find new Grisha students to train. Each year he hoped to find one with a sun summoner's gift. Every year he felt defeated when no such child was found...and every following year he would hope again. If he was indeed the King's General and thus, his servant to beck and call, his most secret and precious mission was to save and protect Grisha. What he was currently doing was out of obligation.

Kara was waiting for him at the entrance of the infirmary. she looked sickly but Alexhander paid no attention. She led him to the room in the back where they had operated Vasily who had been moved to the central part of the barn with others on the mend. The room had been cleared for the prince's cousin who sat in a corner of the room, his arms around his folded legs, his body rocking back and forth, his eyes haunted. Alexhander faced Kara, " no one is to know what happens in this room. I will not have it said that I followed the orders of a Otkazat'sya healer." Kara scoffed, " Saints forbid that non grisha might think you human. Think of what that might do to your reputation!". The general hissed, " I have a reputation to uphold amongst Grisha who distrust Otkazat'sya at best. We have been hunted, burned at the stake, drowned for generations. What do you think they would believe if they learned I submitted to a healer for the sake of a distant relation of the royal family? I will have no such rumors". she raised her chin, her eyes flashing in irritation. Alexhander found her pride almost endearing if it were not for her lack of knowledge concerning how easily reputations are destroyed. she knows nothing of court life, he thought. she pulled the gloves off her hands and crouched down to the frightened man. " As you wish, now come here and do as I do."

It felt awkward for Alexhander to kneel down to be seated on a dusty wooden floor. Once he had settled, dignified as always, to Kara's disbelief, he asked " what should I do?" She thought for a moment, " We need him to feel dry and warm. Summon a darkness which muffles out outside noises and smells as well as applying to it warmth. It should not be too dark, he's already spooked as it is." The general nodded and clapped his two hand together, making an intricate sign with his hands. The room dimmed and Kara felt the air warm and clear, as if the dust had been pushed to settle by the shadows. She no longer heard the sounds in the other rooms of the infirmary nor could she smell the herbs in the storeroom or the bloodstained clothes waiting to be washed and boiled. They were cut off from the rest of the world so that she almost lost her sense of balance. She looked to Alexhander in wonder," That's...amazing". The general's eyes softened slightly at the compliment but he quickly regained his composure. The count's body had slightly relaxed, no longer harassed by the light, noises and smells. She took a deep breath, " Here goes nothing". She called out to the man softly," Mikhail? Can you hear me? You are safe inside the First Army infirmary. You've been with us for three days now. You can let your guard down now." The man whimpered and his arms grew tighter around his knees. She shuffled to reposition her body in front of him, " Do you remember your cousin, Prints Dimitri? He's here as well in the next room. You used to spend time together as your father's house in the summer as children. You would bathe and have a snack near the pond, do you remember?". The count did not respond, his body still rocking to and fro. They tried for the better part of an hour to no avail. General Kirigan tested different levels and textures of darkness and Kara repeated the prince's story, describing with detail the pond, the warmth of the sun's light on a wet skin, the taste of sweet honey on Oladyi pancakes, but nothing seemed to pull the man from his trance. He stopped rocking and his eyes drooped out of fatigue. Kara could feel the effect of the migraine herbal tea waning. Her migraine was making her head throb and her knees felt sore from maintaining the position. The General clapped his hands, removing the effect of darkness on the room and stood up, " I think we can call it to an end lady Kara. We did our best." Kara wasn't ready to give up, " Please wait! I am sure if we could just try one more time!" Alexhander shook his head, " I have other duties to tend to. Tomorrow we will try another scouting mission and hope we find the Ferdjan base. I need to plan the details with General Biryukov." He hesitated, " Being a good healer and creating the right atmosphere is not enough here. We are at the limit of what we can achieve it seems." He bowed his head slightly and left.

Kara felt like weeping. Her exhausted body was trembling and her head was painful and yet she only thought of this poor man, reduced to a pale resemblance of what he had been. The man who in this instant, looked like a scared little boy. She did not know what pushed her to do it, but she stroked the man's cheek and whispered sadly, " Solnishko... ". The man suddenly stiffened, his eyes focusing on something that wasn't there, " Mama?". Kara's hair on the nap of her neck stood on end. Should she really delve that deep into his mind? trick him to resurface? She prayed to the saints, hoping that she would not cause harm. She softened her voice and cooed, " yes, Solnishko. You seem hurt my son. What happened to you?" She continued to stroke his cheek. he leaned into her palm, closing his eyes in relief. He started to sob uncontrollably." They hurt me mama. They whipped and flayed my back, they burned my hands". He showed her his bandaged hands and she cupped them gently in hers. She whispered softly, " Who did this to you my boy?". He looked puzzled, " I'm not sure, they spoke a different language. their clothes were not Ravkan made. They had wolves instead of dogs". It sounded like Ferdjan's indeed, thought Kara. She sat next to the man, hesitant. She gently pulled his head and placed it on her shoulder, caressing his hair as he cried, " Solnishko, do you remember anything from where it happened?". He sniffled, " I don't know, they had my eyes covered and I didn't understand what they were saying." Kara sighed, she would not be able to extract any information on the Ferdjan base. She let him cry on her shoulder until it became a light sob. " You know what the worst part is mama?" She felt uncomfortable maintaining the pretense but she thought he might need to say some things to resurface. So she answered, " What is it Solnishko?". His body shook in her arms, " They tortured my men in front of me. They did far worst to them than me. Then they killed them. I don't know why but I think they wanted me to escape to set an example. To frighten us and make us go away." He cried out, " I can still hear them screaming." Kara could hardly breath. Now she knew why he had dived deep to hide in his subconscious, the trauma was too much to bear. As a healer, her reflexes kicked in. She had to relieve him of his pain. She cooed, " It's not your fault what happened to your men Solnishko. You had no control over what was happening." He nodded, wiping the tears from his face, exhaustion etched on his face, " You know what I liked though? when they were not hurting me? I liked the sound of rushing water. It helped me to fall asleep." Kara was about to ask him what he meant but he had fallen asleep, his face more relaxed than she had seen since his arrival. She pulled the blanket over him and unable to shed her role-play just yet, she kissed the top of his head and whispered, " sleep well Solnishko, remember that I love you. But you cannot hide away forever my boy, your life awaits".