chapter 8: Finding Sleep

The following morning was a welcomed commotion. The tents swayed to the ground as their pegs were removed, almost releasing a sigh as the cotton exterior folded to the ground. Clearing out of camp was done in general silence, as most men were hungover. The bitterness of the cold did nothing to improve the throbbing of their heads.
Yurii was in a fowl mood himself after his first sample of kvas and proceeded to sulk every time Artyom was nearby. The elder healer only laughed and teased him, as Seraphine provided the youngling with the antidote to his headache. Kara was checking her inventory to verify that nothing had been forgotten in packing. Every herb, potion and draught was precious and could be used on the road or for the next battle. She took great care in wrapping the glass vials and decanters in folds of cloth, to avoid any damage during the several days on the road that awaited them.

Once the wagon with the infirmary material was full, Artyom checked that the horse had been well fed and watered before attaching him. Seraphine was fussing over Yurii to dress warmly for the cold and to stay in the wagon with the material. Kara saw that Seraphine was limping more than usual. "My old bones are tired of the endless winter here", she grumbled, " I shall soon retire or see myself blessed by the saints in eternal sleep on a battlefront. What good would that do?". Kara chuckled but was worried. Indeed the old crone seemed to have grown even older in the past few weeks. She hoped that the warm air and awaiting feast in Os Alta would do her good. We are too small a team, thought Kara. Even if he ever wished to become a healer someday, Yurii was too young. Seraphine was getting too old. As for Artyom, he was ambitious. if another opportunity presented itself, he would have little remorse in leaving her. Kara was not worried about finding work elsewhere by herself, but she did not want to leave the First Army infirmary without healers. When the time came for her to leave, she wanted to leave well-trained healers in her stead.

Seraphine and Yurii were wrapped in a warm blanket at the back of the cart when the horns blew to announce their departure. Kara climbed to the front of the carriage with Artyom. She planned to check on some of the soldiers on the way and kept a leather case at hand with basic healing material. They would be slow enough in their progress that she could jump off the carriage to see to one of her patients. As she settled she saw Ania stepping into a comfortable travel carriage with her two apprentices.
Kara scowled, seeing that the Second Army infirmary seemed to be better equipped than that of the First Army. Ania nodded to her and hesitated a moment. Then she shook her head and closed the door to the carriage. Kara made nothing of it. If Ania wanted to tell her something, she'll do it in her own time. Another blast of a horn in the morning air gave the go to start their long trek to the south.

Most days were tedious, and Kara would alternate between walking amongst the soldiers and sitting at the front of their wagon so Artyom could stretch his legs as quality of her sleep did not improve. For whatever reason, her mind would in pitch darkness, either recall those she had been unable to save or imagine the worst scenarios possible. Sometimes, her nightmare would show one of her team members dead or mangled beyond healing. Other times she made technical mistakes during her interventions and did more bad than good. She would wake up in cold sweats and quickly dress to go about her day to make the images in her mind fade. Some days she dosed leading the wagon. luckily their pony was a well-disciplined creature and followed the rest of the army without really needing a lead.

It was on one of those days that she almost took a hoof to the head. She was exhausted, her mind still foggy, her movements sluggish as she cut through the lines of soldiers one morning to check on a soldier with a wounded arm. She did not anticipate the movements around her as a black horse came charging through camp. It was only the rider's quick reflexes which avoided her being trampled. The horse reared as the rider pulled on the reins, swerving to the side to avoid Kara. She stared stupidly and blinked, her mind perceiving just what could have happened. The Darkling, calming his black stallion with a pat to the neck, was not amused. He was about to yell angrily at the careless bystander he almost crushed when he noticed who it was. Kara was almost as pale as he had seen her that night when she had reported to him after her interrogation of the prince's cousin. Her clear blue eyes, beautiful on a good day, were unfocused and outlined by the darkened hollow of her orbits. He realized he feared she might faint again.

He swiftly dismounted handing the reins to a horse-boy nearby who quickly lead the stallion away. Before Kara could say anything, General Kirigan had grabbed her forcefully by the arm and dragged her out of the bustling path in the middle of the camp. He brought her closer to the tents, in a calmer less crowded area. Kara noticed that several soldiers had seen them and some frowned worried and wondering if they should interfere. The general let her go and look sternly at her, " May I know what you were thinking? It is foolish to remain in the middle of a rider's path!". He pursed his lips, " you look like you are about to drop". Kara was slightly shaking from both fatigue and realization of a near incident. " I apologize. I did not hear you coming". The general huffed, " My horse is not known for being discreet. All the others on foot stepped out of the way on time." He stepped closer and place a finger under her chin, gently pushing upwards. Kara had been staring at her feet, trying to focus on where she had been going before running in with the Darkling. She had a faint recollection of having to check on a patient but unsure as to which one. When her eyes settles on the general's dark glare, she swallowed hard and held his gaze. She did not want to appear weak but she knew she was in a poor state.

Seraphine had been nagging her about sleep for the past week. A few seconds passed with their eyes locked on one another, until General Kirigan released her with a sigh. " Have you considered trying to rest at night rather than sleep-walking under a pair of hooves?". Kara rubbed her neck and readjusted her medical bag on her shoulder. The air was getting warmer and her army uniform was getting too hot. " You don't think I know I lack sleep?!" She snapped, irked to be lectured yet again. She was walking restless to-and-fro in front of the general. " I WANT to sleep! I haven't had a full night of peaceful slumber since I've joined the army!". The general frowned, " If it is the load of work that shortens your nights, then you should address that issue with your general, Biryukov". She looked at him irritated, " I have had many short nights before joining the First Army. I know how to manage". He stepped close to her so she could had to stop her pendulum movements, " Then why is it that you seem ill and ready to faint at any moment?". She was startled. Did she really look that out of shape? She realized she was tired of fighting. Tired of hiding how exhausted she was. Tired of smiling it off. She look at the Darkling taking a shaky breath. " The truth is I've been plagued with nightmares ever since I joined a year ago". There was silence, she was unable to decipher what the general was thinking. He was standing tall in his dark cloak, impeccable as always and looking her over. He turned away from her and whispered, " follow me".

She did not argue and followed him as they made their way to his tent. The Oprichniki standing by the entrance, held the tent open as they passed through. Kirigan untied his cloak and dropped it over a wooden trunk by the entrance. The young healer stood unsure what to do as the general made his way to the firepit over which a teapot was heating. He ushered her in and nodded to the cushions by the fire. She slowly removed her bag from her shoulder and sat cross-legged on a plush black pillow. She watched as the general poured two cups of tea and offered her one. She thanked him and wrapped her fingers around the ceramic. Alexhander sat across from her, leaning back to observe her. "What nightmares?" he said.
She sipped the tea and sighed happily as the heat washed over her. " They are nightmares associated with my practice. Fears of not measuring up to what is required of me, fears of being unable to save those I should, fears of losing those I care for." Without thinking, in an attempt to diverge the conversation away from her, she added, " Do you not have any nightmares?". He seemed startled by the questions but the corner of his mouth twitched in a slight smile, "I don't think I have ever had this question before." He thought for a moment, " I have recurrent thoughts that worry me but I find I can push them away at night, so that the few hours of sleep I have are restorative". She looked at him envious, " How? How do you push them away?".

He took a sip from his own cup, " I cannot let my mind be overwhelmed by things I cannot change or that are but figments of my imagination. If I want to be efficient and protect the Second Army, I have to be fully focused." She shook her head, a few strands of hair falling to frame her face, " That still does not tell me how you do it. I know it would serve me well to rest. I've tried breathing deeply and clearing my mind. I've tried all kinds of sleeping draughts. I've tried writing down what bothers me to alleviate my mind. Nothing seems to work. And when I do manage to find sleep, The sounds and noises of the camp wake me up. Or I am shaken awake for an emergency or a new patient that needs tending to". The general was sympathetic to her problem. He had fought against his own nightmares for almost a century. It had taken many years to perfect his routine to sleep effectively. He had not noticed he was staring at her insistently until she started to shuffle uncomfortably, " Why do you care how I sleep?" she asked.

A cold feeling washed over the general. Why did he care? It was not his responsibility to watch over the First Army head-healer. He straightened his back, making him less accessible, his gaze gone cold. " I do not care. However losing a competent healer due to her carelessness and exhaustion would be folly". He saw that his remark had hurt her as she flinched. Good, he thought. Better that she remove any idea of him caring for her. However, he could not stop trying to think of how he could help her. She spoke softly, " You are right, I am a danger to those around me in this state. It's just...I don't know what to do". She looked so fragile, the general caught himself thinking that she felt alone, just as he did. She felt alone with her problem and unable to solve it. He had a flicker of a desire to tug away the strand of blond hair behind her ear and to whisper that she would be alright. He pushed the thought away. Kara saw that his gaze had somewhat softened when he said, " You cannot stay this way Kara. It does not bode well for those you care for." He leaned forward, " what would you need to be in the best conditions to sleep?". She tried to think back to when sleep was easy to find, when she traveled the world with little responsibility, learning her trade. " I would need quiet. No sounds, no noise, no calls, no interruptions. I would need darkness but it seems that my nightmare prey upon me at night." She laughed, " I don't know where I could find these conditions considering my position as a head-healer." She stopped her laugh when she saw a glimmer of an idea forming in his eyes. "What if we could create the environment to gather these conditions?". She did not understand, " what is it you are thinking exactly?".

He hesitated, his proposition could be wrongly interpreted so he had to choose his words carefully. " I once told you I could morph the darkness I conjure to take the shape or form that I wish." He shuffled and looked kindly at her, which was very surprising to her. " I never thanked you for the timely report you gave me to finish the never ending battles up north. I think I can help you with your sleeping problem. At least improve it somewhat." She eyed him suspiciously but did not say anything. He explained his idea, " I have a reputation disliking being interrupted in my affairs, which means no one enters this tent without my prior approval. I therefore have the luxury of having several hours to myself without interruption." Kara shook her head confused. "I don't see what that has to do with conjuring darkness as you like". The Darkling seemed annoyed at having to spell out the details. Or was it that he was uncomfortable? Kara could not tell.
He placed his cup on a low table between them and crossed his fingers, " I am merely suggesting that you could rest here. I have a bed which is quite comfortable. No one would dare bother you. I work in relative silence so I would not mind your presence. I can also conjure darkness to diminish surrounding sounds and help you sleep during the day." She seemed startled and unable to think if she should accept. He added quickly, " Please accept. I owe you for your good service with the prince's cousin. Allow me to repay my debt". The general seemed so pained with the burden of owing her that Kara did not have the heart to refuse. She had little energy to spare anyway.

"Are you not afraid of what people might think? My absence for the few hours I spend here are bound to be noticed". He chuckled, " I cannot help what people think of me and care very little of what they might say". Kara bristled, " It's an easy remark from a man. Some will say that I am another woman charmed into your bed. It will be easy to bare in your stride. However, men sneer at women easily swindled. I do not want that thought to mark my professional reputation." The general's eyes twinkled with amusement. " Konstantin!" the general called out to one of the Oprichniki by the tent entry. The stern man came into the tent and bowed low, awaiting instructions. Without looking his way, still looking at Kara, General Kirigan said, " Let it be known that Dama Kara and I are discussing improving healing procedures and that we are not to be disturbed". If the soldier seemed surprised, he did not show it, " yes, Moi General". he bowed once again and made his way out. Alexhander looked at Kara still amused, " Is that acceptable for you in terms of discretion?". She seemed unsure but nodded slowly. He stood up and held out his hand to help her in turn. She was surprised to find his hand quite warm and gentle. He let her hand go once she was standing and led her to an extension of the tent she had not seen previously. hidden behind another tent flap, was a lavish bedroom. It was adapted to a mobile military life. The bed did not stand on a wooden structure but the mattress on the ground was thick and covered with warm black covers. several pillows of different sizes and shapes decorated the head of the bed.

Kara suddenly felt awkward. Kirigan noticed and cleared his throat, " I will only stay time enough to summon the darkness to help you sleep. I will leave promptly after that, do not fret". She nodded and dropped her satchel near the bed. She started to unbutton her military coat, aware of his eyes on her back as she had turned away out of modesty. She kept her cotton shirt and dark brown pants. She sat on the bed to remove her boots. She felt she was overstepping boundaries between them by being in a place which was very intimate. To feel slightly more at ease, she made sure that her belongings were neatly folded and piles to take the least space possible. The Darkling watched in silence, amused at her unease. Once she was done she laid slowly onto the bed, feeling her back sink into the soft and warm covers. She folded her hands on her stomach to stop them from trembling and looked at the ceiling to avoid looking at the general she barely knew. " Are you comfortable?" he asked softly, still standing at the entrance of the bedroom. She nodded, not looking at him, anticipating the darkness she had seen unfold when they had interrogated the prince's cousin. General kirigan waved his hands and darkness appears instantly, muffling all sounds and light from the room. Kara felt her heart race. The darkness was so profound that she could no longer tell which way was up or down. Her ear, unable to hear anything, made her feel lightheaded.

"Please" she pleaded, " not so dark, it's unsettling". She could not see him, the room was so opaque with black vapor. He answered reassuringly, " Do not be afraid of the dark. This cannot hurt you, I promise".
Silence followed, she wondered if he had left. She tried to empty her mind and breath deeply to lower her heartbeat. She almost jumped when she felt a hand gently hold hers in the darkness. " I do not intend to frighten you. Only if I let the darkness lessen, it may not be enough to help you". She nodded and shut her eyes, tightening her grip on his hand, an anchor in the darkness surrounding her. His hand tensed for a second, out of surprise, but he did not pull away. " How do you feel in such darkness?" she asked softly, trying to wash away the fear which clawed at the edge of her mind. He answered simply, " Darkness is home to me. It's a place which others cannot see, feel or hear. Therefore, it is a place where I am safe." She had not thought of it that way. Could it be then that her nightmares would leave her alone in this place? Her heart had slowed and she began to relax, letting go slowly of the hand which had reached out to reassure her. " Thank you" she whispered to the darkness. There was no answer, but she was almost sure she felt a certain smugness to the shadows. She closed her eyes and slipped into a deep slumber.