The chill settled in her bones quickly after she arrived at Azkaban as requested. The thick fog had started to clear, with less dementors around to produce it, but the chill and wind remained.
A few others Aurors were arriving just as she was, the rest had already arrived. She was still in shock at how much of their department had been taken out during the war. She also assumed Tristan and MACUSA's Aurors were watching the department if everyone else was here. However, Roofie was not here, and she wondered if he was stuck on a mission somewhere. Dawlish was standing near a group of St Mungo's employees, but they wore grey robes. She couldn't recall ever seeing St Mungo's employees in grey robes. Three white tents had been conjured, standing out in contrast to the crumbling prison.
Dawlish approached the gathered Aurors. "This morning, the fog cleared enough to see North of the prisoner cemetery, Magical Patrol was here to transport a new prisoner and noticed the ground had been disturbed. When they investigated, they found a mass grave." Dawlish said loudly, his voice competing with the wind. "St Mungo's is here to count and transport the bodies as they are brought out, but we need identification. So far, they have found ten of our missing, we need you to identify them. Each body has been preserved, so we can not tell how long they have been deceased for, but this means it will make identification easy."
Dawlish pointed to one of the white tents. "Those are the Aurors. Eight were found wearing their robes, two were not. All of you need to go and identify them, St Mungo's wants at least three confirmations before they will try to contact family, to avoid any mistakes. The second tent contains unknown Ministry employees, please check them too. The third tent is for the bodies not wearing occupational robes. Check that one as well, just in case." Dawlish continued. "St Mungo's will be requesting various Ministry departments to send employees to check identities too, so try to make it fast so we can get back to the Ministry and get out of the way."
They followed Dawlish, all heading in different directions among the ten bodies. It uneased her, how perfectly preserved they all were. Really, they should have all been at different stages of decomposition. She signed for Annie Florence, a female Auror she had only met two or three times. Annie, she knew, had been one of the best at international work and would be gone for weeks or months at a time. She had two older children as far as Tonks could remember and had been widowed in the first war, and she wondered if her children had assumed her to be gone on another long mission, only for the months to stretch on and on, Annie never returning home. Now she could, and they would get closure.
Tonks could see Savage, Proudfoot and Willamson had confirmed Bradford Higgins and Henry Laurel, two Aurors who had disappeared a few weeks after she had lost her job, but it was the next body she froze at. His magical eye and false leg were gone, but it was Alastor. A year and a half later, and there was no sign the man had been dead that long.
She wondered why the Death Eaters would have preserved the bodies.
Dawlish stopped next to her. "Do you think it was for polyjuice?" She asked. "Would that work?"
"I'm not sure anyone's tried, but maybe." Dawlish said. He held out the form, where his name was already signed. The form was a typical form St Mungo's would use for someone's files, but most of Alastor's was blank. No family, no emergency contact, nothing. There was an extra area at the bottom added for people to sign to confirm the identity of 'Body #13', which she felt was a somewhat dehumanizing description. It was likely typical for a mass casualty scenario, and she had never worked one before, but she didn't like it. Dawlish had already signed, and they would need one more, but there would be no shortage of people who knew Alastor Moody among them. She signed, handing it back to Dawlish.
"By the way, what was the date?" Dawlish asked, and she looked at him. "That he died. St Mungo's wants the dates they died or went missing recorded."
"July 27th." Tonks said.
"July 27... 97." Dawlish muttered, writing it down. "Are you alright?"
Was she? "Yeah." She said after a moment. "I mean, we knew he was dead. I just, uhm... it's weird, it's been a year and a half, yet he looks like he's just died."
Dawlish didn't say anything. "He didn't have kids." Dawlish said. Tonks didn't know how to respond. Everyone knew that, his parents had died long ago and he had no siblings, either. He had no family at all. "But, he really liked you, you know. When he first found out he had to train a girl, he was so mad."
A small smile pulled at her lips. "Yeah, I know."
"They never last, it's a waste of my time!" Dawlish said, in a poor imitation of Alastor's gruff accent. "But then he met you, and that stupid betting thing the Senior Aurors do? God, anyone who tried to bet against the tiny pink haired trainee was called an idiot. He saw something in you, I think."
"Well, the morphing thing gave me such an advantage-"
"No, no, he rarely mentioned that." Dawlish said. "He'd always go on about how fast you were, how you picked up spells so quickly. I remember overhearing Pembleton- he was the one retiring just as you started training- saying that you sounded just like Alastor. I think that's what it was, he was just seeing himself."
"Do you think that's still true?"
Dawlish shrugged. "He had already been an Auror for nearly twenty five years when I started, I wouldn't know anything about his early years. I can answer that when you've been an Auror for thirty years, we'll see if the resemblance sticks."
Tonks figured there wouldn't be any Aurors left who would remember the start of Alastor's career, he had qualified in 1949, and she couldn't think of any remaining Aurors who were the same age as he had been.
"That's his entire life." She said quietly. "Forty five years at this job, that's his legacy. Remus said eventually people forget things like this, when the next tragedy comes along. Victims get forgotten eventually."
Dawlish nodded.
"People are going to forget everything he's done, won't they?"
"An Auror being killed by Dark Wizards isn't a rarity." Dawlish said. "An Auror serving the Ministry for decades isn't a rarity. Being an Auror like Alastor Moody... that's a rarity. I think people will remember his work." He put a hand on her shoulder. "Besides, an Auror's real legacy is their trainees."
With only two days until Christmas, the Order had gathered for another funeral.
It hadn't been ideal, but the discovered mass grave had lead to days upon days of rushed funerals to lay them all to rest. St Mungo's had counted fifty four bodies. Of those fifty four, ten had been Aurors- including Mad-Eye- and only twenty more bodies had been identified. Twenty four remained unidentified and Harry wondered what would happen to them. He only went to Mad-Eye's funeral, he hadn't known any of the others, but Tonks was gone constantly for nearly three days straight, ending with Mad-Eye's funeral. Since she had been the only person named in his will, the entire job of arranging it had fallen on her. It was simple enough, there was a magical cemetery hidden in the mountains of Scotland where a lot of witches and wizards were buried if they did not choose a Muggle area first. From Harry's understanding, there were a lot of Aurors buried there, because it didn't sound like a lot of them had families. He wondered why, but then he supposed it could make sense. It was a demanding job and it sounded like Aurors worked pretty much around the clock, even if not at the Ministry.
Any Aurors in attendance were wearing the black versions of their robes with the gold Ministry 'M' embroidered on them, and Harry found himself hoping he'd never have to wear his, but when he had said so, Tonks had said it was inevitable that he one day would.
They had been home for two hours, most of which Tonks spent staring at the clock above the fireplace, when she finally spoke. "I'm relieved."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked. He had almost said something a few times, but seemed to decide against it each time. Harry kept quiet because he just didn't know what to say. He was tired of funerals, he was tired of the war's death toll rising, he was just tired.
"It's been in the back of my mind, since he died- the constant wondering..." She said. "Was he really dead, did they just kidnap him, where was his body, just constant shit..."
"It was a Killing Curse." Remus finally said. Harry wondered if he remembered on his own or that was a memory uncovered by the pensieve. "We did know that."
"Did we?" Tonks challenged. "That whole night was a mess, you said you saw Severus curse George but Harry saw memories making it sound like Severus was on our side, so why would he-"
"He did curse George." Harry said. "I think it was an accident, though. He wasn't aiming for George."
"Aiming for Remus doesn't make him much better."
"No, he was aiming for a Death Eater." Harry said. "A Death Eater who was aiming at Remus."
Tonks leaned back. "Well, fuck." She muttered. "You never told us that."
"Why didn't you tell us that sooner?" Remus asked. "Does George know?"
"No, I honestly didn't really think of it." Harry admitted. "Severus wanted me to see that memory in particular, and I didn't understand why, it seemed so small. Maybe this is why, maybe it was to show me that he was helping the Order when he could. Or, to give me information to help convince the rest of you."
"I wish things hadn't been so secretive." Tonks said. "I'm so tired of it all."
They fell into silence. Harry had to agree, he had gotten tired of all the secrecy years ago. He just hadn't realised most of the Order had been kept in the dark, too.
"I'm going to start making dinner." Harry said after a few moments of silence passed.
"You don't have to, I can-" Remus started.
"Well, no, you can't." Tonks said and Remus looked like he was about to argue. "I'll do it."
"I don't mind, I like cooking and cooking for you lot is way different than cooking for the Dursleys."
"Did you cook for them often?" Remus asked.
"I mean, yeah, when it was on the list-"
"What list?" Remus asked, frowning.
"The list of chores they'd give me when they were annoyed with me. Things like cleaning Dudley's room, clearing out the garden, cooking-"
"You're kidding." Tonks said. "They'd make you clean up your cousin's room? Why couldn't he do it?"
"I-I don't know, he just didn't." Harry said, starting to feel a bit flustered. "I do chores around the Burrow and here, it's not a big deal-"
"Chores are normal, those do not sound like chores a child should be doing." Remus said. "I never liked the Dursleys. You should have told someone, Harry-"
"It wouldn't have mattered, I had to be there."
"Someone could have done something, checked on you more often or... I didn't even know where you were living until I started teaching at Hogwarts. I had my suspicions, but I had no idea how to find you." Remus said. "I didn't know why Albus refused to tell me, I thought maybe because he knew I wouldn't be very consistent in your life with how often I had to travel for work, but now I wonder if it was because he knew the Dursleys were awful to you and that we may have fought to have you somewhere else."
Harry wanted to ask who the 'we' would have been but didn't.
It was a moment before Remus spoke again. "Did they ever hurt you physically?"
"No." Harry said quickly. It was true. Petunia had swung a pan at him, Vernon had dragged him around sometimes, but they never really laid a hand on him otherwise. However, judging by the look on their faces, neither Remus nor Tonks believed him. "They never hit me." Harry insisted.
"That's not what I asked." Remus said. "Did they ever lay a hand on you, in any way?"
Harry didn't want to answer. However, he knew the silence answered for him. Even blind, it was obvious Remus was able to read Harry's silence.
"Maybe someone should send them an exploding letter." Tonks said, after a moment.
"Dora." Remus sounded exasperated.
"I'm just saying, it would be really funny and less than they deserve."
Harry entered the kitchen while she was trying to finish brewing the Wolfsbane. It was cutting it close, to be trying to brew it on Christmas Eve, when Remus needed to start taking it the next morning. If she messed something up, she wouldn't have time to restart it, Harry had heard her swearing earlier about it.
"I was wondering something." Harry said. "Would it be okay if Ginny came over for a few days?"
"On Christmas? Would Molly be okay with that?" Tonks asked, looking up from the cauldron for a brief second before resuming her studious gaze on the potion.
"I don't know." Harry said. "But I guess they've argued a ton today, and Bill and Fleur are staying for a week-"
"That's my fault." Tonks said. "Petra wants to target whoever killed Greyback, and it sounds like she knows where they live, so I told them to go elsewhere on full moons until she's arrested."
Harry frowned for a moment. "Right, so anyway, I guess Ginny's just at her wits' end because Hermione and Ron are apparently gone to Australia and I'm not going over there. Can she come here?"
"Yes, she can." Tonks said. "But you're not married, so you can't share a room. Someone takes the couch."
"If that's the rule, why aren't you sleeping on the couch? Or is that rule only for me?"
"Okay, I didn't think you'd actually have a comeback, I was joking." Tonks said, setting her wand down. "You don't need to ask permission to do stuff around here, Harry. Just don't do anything stupid, Molly seems to think I have control over you."
"I mean, I do listen to you." Harry offered. "Maybe that's why. I don't listen to everyone."
"Well, Roofie did once say I'd make a convincing cult leader but I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not."
"I think it depends on the cult."
"Hmm, yeah, but there's not really any good cults." Tonks said. "I haven't seen any owls, have you two been writing to each other, or-?"
"That takes too long. We've been talking with our patronuses. She doesn't really understand phones yet." Harry said.
"They're easier than patronuses." Tonks said. "But she can do that? Pretty impressive, you're lucky she's able to do magic out of school now. Has she passed her Apparition yet? She missed it last year."
"They're doing it in the spring. Seventh years will just do it with the sixth years." He said. "I'm going to Side-Along with her."
"Oh, suddenly confident in Side-Along, are we?"
"The more I do it, the more comfortable I'll be." He said. "Or whatever it was you said."
Christmas passed nearly silently. She had nearly forgotten it altogether until Molly's sweaters arrived along with a letter complaining of Ginny's absence. Ginny, on the other hand, was immediately in a good mood when she arrived and had been giving Teddy more attention than she gave Harry.
Then, Tonks felt terrible, because she hadn't planned anything for Teddy and it was his first Christmas. Even stranger, she didn't hear from her Mum at all. In the afternoon, she tried reaching out but got no response. She wondered if Andromeda went to her grandparents' cabin instead of having them at the house.
She didn't think much of it over the next few days. They had argued before and she knew eventually Andromeda would respond to her letter or return her call. Roofie came by for a brief visit, in between very long consecutive shifts. He was delighted to finally meet Remus, and stayed so long he was very nearly late for his next shift.
And then, it seemed like she had blinked and it was the day before the full moon. Ginny was still over, but had promised to the leave the next morning so as not to be in the way, but Remus said there was no need. He seemed to enjoy having extra company around, which surprised Tonks, especially this close to a full moon.
Among the other symptoms he faced, Remus was a restless sleeper this close to the full moon and it had taken her a moment to realise why she had woken up, because Teddy had not yet woken her that night. It was entirely possible, however, that Harry or Ginny had something to do with that- she had found them awake with him the day before, after Ginny woke up from a nightmare and they had heard Teddy starting to fuss. She didn't mind, and had joked that they could just keep him permanently if he helped their nightmares.
Remus apologised for waking her when he realised she had turned on the lamp, but she found she didn't mind.
"Sometimes I almost forget you're here, and then I wake up and there you are." Tonks admitted. "I like having you back."
"Luckily for you, it does not seem I'll wake you often... you divorced me, after all. Divorced couples don't usually stay living together." He said, but there was a hint of amusement in his voice. "And you're about to be gone again, we will no longer be together anyway."
Tonks rolled her eyes. "We could get remarried, and then you can't bring up the divorce anymore."
"That's not a very romantic proposal." Remus said and she scoffed.
"You asked me to marry you in Aberforth's pub."
"So I did." He said. "If it is what you want, I think we could redo things. You deserve a proper wedding, and all the things I couldn't give you before."
"I don't need all of that, I just want you, but I am tiring of Petra. I wonder what her next plan is, if nothing happens tomorrow."
"We can stay quiet for a while." Remus said. "I can go back to my father's, you leave Teddy with your Mum while you finish the training... wherever you three have been, and we work on it slowly."
She took his hand. "I'd like that, except the part when you move out." She said. "You're not moving out, I don't want you there."
"So I stay, and I can be an extra burden on you?"
"You're not a burden."
"You're tired, I can tell." Remus said. "I don't want to be the cause."
"It's not just you, Remus. I guess I just never realised how hard it was going to be to balance it."
"It doesn't help that you're doing it mostly alone." Remus said.
"Was. You're here now, and we need to be his parents together." Tonks said. "And not mostly alone, Ginny's so obsessed with him, I'm starting to wonder if she'll ever leave."
Remus laughed. "Well, she's his godmother, it's good she likes him." He said. "It's all temporary, though. I will make this right, I will find a job- if any will take me-"
"You'll find something." She said.
"If I were able to work, would you work less?"
"I- it's not really how being an Auror works, I'm afraid." Tonks said. "The shifts may change, but I'll always be working nearly every day. I worked so hard to become one and I never really planned for the baby and marriage thing- I guess I never thought how the work hours could affect my family. You... you don't need a job, you know that, right?"
"I want one." Remus said. "I can not let you support our entire family alone."
"I mean, entire family makes it sound bigger than it is, it's only us three. Harry doesn't count, he's just here." Tonks said. "And if we sell your Dad's, or this place, we'll have that to fall on too-"
"We'd sell my Dad's." Remus said. "It's too isolated to raise a child there, you said this neighbourhood has other families. I don't want Teddy isolated."
"Teddy's going to start confusing the neighbourhood kids if he morphs in front of them." Tonks said. "Trust me, we're going to be really friendly with the Accidental Magical Reversal Squad. Some of them still remember me."
Remus laughed again. "I guess I never considered that. How old were you when you could fully control it?"
"Never. I just have to have most of the control." Tonks said. "It doesn't matter what I did, there'd be so many times something would trigger a change I had no control over."
"I guess I just assumed..."
"It was really bad when I was a kid, though. A lot of Muggle kids got Obliviated." Tonks said. "I got pulled out of Muggle primary. So... maybe you can homeschool Teddy, if it came down to you being a stay at home Dad."
"Sometimes I think it might. I worry people won't change their minds about hiring werewolves." Remus said. "But how will I manage? If I can not see-"
"I'm sure after a while, you'll find a way. It might just take time." Tonks said. "We'll be alright, I think, if you didn't work." He didn't look too enthusiastic about the idea. "Are you alright, otherwise? Up until now, you've been quiet all day and with the moon tomorrow-"
"I'm alright."
"Are you sure? You seem a little tense-"
"That's how I naturally look, I think." He said with a slight smile. "Dora, it's nothing to concern yourself with."
"No more secrets, Remus, remember? You said you'd be open with me."
"It's not a secret, I'm simply not telling you how I feel right now because we're discussing other things."
"That sounds a bit secretive."
He sighed. "Dora, you're busy telling me how you're struggling and we're trying to discuss how to move forward, and all I can hear is an annoying voice in the back of my head saying horribly descriptive things about you."
"Oh." She said.
"It's just the moon, it's always just the moon. This annoying voice telling me to give into these animalistic urges, and somehow, you make it all stronger."
"I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Remus asked incredulously. "I'm telling you that there's a voice in the back of my head saying unspeakably disgusting things about you and you're the sorry one?"
"Remus, it's fine to have dirty thoughts about your wife." She said. "Obviously it's different with you and our situation is... complicated, at best. I'll let you in on something, most people think of dirty things they want to do to their spouses. It's normal."
"No, this is not." Remus said. "Closer to the full moons, it's always louder. I've always disliked it."
"When we were at Grimmauld together, did it happen?"
Remus shook his head. "No, well, yes... not like this, it was different. It was never like this back then, it was just being near you."
"You avoided me a bit when we first met."
"Yes, because there were a couple of meetings at the beginning where I just had to hope no one would try to use Legilimency. I hated when Severus attended, mostly because of the bickering between him and Sirius, but also because he was skilled at it and I worried he'd try to take information we weren't volunteering and the idea that he might hear something was mortifying."
She laughed. "I would have loved to see his face if he did."
"I probably would have died from the shame. It was better to avoid you, anyway. It felt one sided at that point." Remus said. "This is different, though."
"Would it make you feel better if I told you I thought you were cute from the moment we met?" She asked, and his cheeks reddened slightly. "Listen, maybe it's just changed because things have changed between us." She said, caressing his hand. "You said your transformed state changed as you aged, maybe that's not all that changes. Since we've had a baby together, maybe that's triggered a change."
Remus was quiet for a moment, frowning slightly. "What?" She prompted. "Tell me what you're thinking."
"Dora, that's not-"
"Remus, I care about you. You care about me, maybe it'll help to talk it out. Maybe it'll give me a better understanding about how your other side functions this close to the moon. If we want a redo, I think it's important I understand more. I can try to find ways to help, even."
Remus was quiet for a moment.
"Your shampoo smells strong tonight, stronger than usual. It always does. It's familiar, I think of the smell every time I think of you. Being this close to you, it comforts me and... it drives me a bit crazy."
"So you like my shampoo." She said. "Not so scandalous."
"Usually." Remus continued. "But tonight, all I can think of when I smell it, is how I want to hold you down and-" He sighed, pulling his hand away from her, covering his face.
"And?" She urged. She could imagine, of course, but wondered if it could help Remus to actually vocalize any feelings he had.
"It's a voice that gets stronger closer to full moon, and I think you're right. Having Teddy has changed it because now I know you're- that you can have kids. It's all that little voice wants- more cubs."
"I thought you didn't like that term."
"I don't, I hear people say cubs or pups and it makes my skin crawl." Remus said. "But it's also all I hear in my own mind. It's worse when we're alone, last night was hard, because I know you put up a silencing charm so you can hear people- or Teddy- and no one can hear you. It's a habit you have from Auror training, you once said. You want to hear anyone approaching your room but you don't want people to hear you responding. And then I think, no one would be able to hear us, and there the voice goes again."
"It gets loud sometimes?"
"Unbearably." Remus said, his voice a low whisper, his hand finding hers again. "Right now, it's screaming. We're alone, you're so close to me, it's screaming for me to do something."
"But you won't." She said.
"No." He said.
"Not unless I say so."
"Exactly, because as loud as that voice is, I know who I am and what control I have, and when to let you control things." Remus said. "The years it took to learn any control over myself... I can feel it slipping. I just have to learn to control the things that change."
"What if I do say yes?" She asked.
"You have before, so many times, without really knowing." Remus said. "The entire time we've known each other, after we finally realized how we felt, you've given into my advances before full moons, not fully knowing why I've made them."
"It was only a handful of times, and I made advances plenty of times myself." She said. "That's how relationships are, Remus. Give and take."
"But for me to not disclose why I've made the advances at those specific times. In hindsight, it feels manipulative."
"Remus, once again, I made them too. You think those times didn't start out with me thinking awfully dirty things about you?" She reached for his hand as soon as he pulled it away, pulling it to her. "That I didn't think about how good I believed it would feel to have your hands all over me and you inside of me? I'd watch you during Order meetings and couldn't wait for everyone else to leave so I could corner you and-"
"Dora." He muttered, closing his eyes tightly. "You are not helping."
"My point is, it's normal." She said, pressing kisses to his hand. "People are attracted to each other, and they make love. I trust you, I love you. And I love that you opened up to me. Let me make you feel better. What if I said I did want more kids? Would you want more?"
"I would say you can't ask me that right now."
"Why not?"
Remus sighed. "Part of me would say we should wait, like responsible adults, until the Petra thing is over and we have figured things out."
"And?"
"The other part of me would ask if you meant right this second." He said quietly. "Which is why, if we have that discussion, it can not be close to the full moon, because everything I do or want will forever be swayed by the moon's influence. It is better to ask me those types of things a few weeks away from it."
"So we can only have honest discussion on new moons?"
"I wouldn't say that's the only day, but around there would be best. Furthest from the full moon would always be best."
"Well, there's no harm in practicing, is there..." She said, tracing circles over his palm.
"I- Dora- are you being serious?"
"Did I offend you with the suggestion?" She asked, and he closed his hand over her fingers. His tight grip almost surprised her. "It would help you feel a bit better, wouldn't?"
"You are bold and I'm used to it, so you don't offend me." Remus said. "But this- Dora, I don't want you to do something because you think it's what I want."
"Did I say that?" She asked. "We've been apart nearly half our marriage, Remus. I spent our first anniversary alone and we never even really had a honeymoon. We just got married and went back to Order duties the next day. Why can't we enjoy each other until I'm gone for work?"
"You're right, and I'm sorry. Our relationship has been nothing but complicated for you." Remus said. "I did say I would try to make it up to you."
She shifted so she was straddling his lap. "Good, because someone pointed out my habit of one way silencing charms and I want to test them."
"Didn't you just complain about being tired?" Remus asked, his hands finding her hips.
"I went from studying for my OWLs to studying for my NEWTs to Auror training to Order work to training Aurors and being a Mum, all without any kind of break... I have a hard time imagining any time in the near future where I'm not tired."
Remus' hands were massaging her hips, almost absentmindedly. "I've spent years working on gaining full control over myself and here you are, constantly testing it."
"Then stop fighting yourself all the time." She said quietly, leaning down to close the distance between them. "I trust you."
"If a werewolf has no control, people die."
"I doubt you'd do anything to hurt me."
"Maybe not on purpose, but accidents happen." He said. "My biggest fear is that I'll hurt you more than I already have."
"You won't." She said. "I believe you won't. But we don't have to, only if you want to."
His grip on her hips tightened. "You have no idea how much I want to."
