Finally a little time to write again :) I hope I have not let you wait too long :D
"Obi-Wan?" A firm but gentle hand settled on his arm, startling him out of his daze. He hadn't even noticed Master Che's approach. Too strong was the pain that seemed to burn in every part of his body.
Slowly he turned his head in the direction from where he thought he heard the healer's voice. There was still only darkness. And his mind refused to believe that this state would never change again. He opened his mouth to speak, but somehow it was suddenly so dry that he could do no more than croak.
Master Che must have noticed this because her hand disappeared and he heard her moving around the room turning on a faucet for a moment. Then her shallow footsteps came closer again and he felt her sit down on the edge of the bed next to him.
"I have a glass of water here," she spoke softly, "I'll help you sit up a little, okay?"
Obi-Wan nodded only slightly, his head far too heavy to lift on his own.
Carefully an arm slipped behind his shoulders and a hand braced his neck, before he was slowly pulled upwards a bit. His head began to hurt even more from the change of position and he sucked in a sharp breath.
"Easy there, breathe slowly," Vokara said, her hand steadying him, "Just tell me when you're ready."
Obi-Wan waited a few seconds until his head didn't feel like it was about to explode right here and there. "I'm ready," he rasped.
Slowly, the breathing mask was slipped from his face.
"Okay, don't drink too fast. You've been out for a while," she explained in return while she lifted the glass towards his lips. The cold water felt like balm on his dry throat.
After a moment the glass was removed again and his mouth finally didn't feel like it was filled with cotton anymore.
"Thank you," he muttered quietly. Obi-Wan heard how she set the glass down somewhere next to him.
"Do you want to lay down again?", she asked.
"No," he answered, "My head hurts way too much to move again."
The bed shifted a little as Vokara stood up and she propped up some pillows behind his back so that he could lean against them. "I see. Then please be honest with me, Obi-Wan. How bad is the pain?"
I feel like my head was split open. Oh wait..
"Bad enough that I for once in my life admit that it hurts," he grumbled dryly.
"An achievement none of us was looking for," she retorted, sorrow lacing her voice, "I'll inject you with some painkillers."
Again Obi-Wan heard her moving around, rummaging through some drawers and ripping open a package. Something was laid down on a table he guessed had to be somewhere next to the foot of his bed. The squeak of the wheels of a stool followed next, telling him that she was probably sitting next to him again now. Still, it didn't change the fact that he was startled when a hand grabbed his forearm unexpectedly. He flinched, his wrist uselessly pulling at the restraint that still held him.
He was trapped. He couldn't see. He couldn't move. And somehow that let a wave of panic rise up inside him.
"Sorry, I should have warned you," Master Che tried to calm him down but the apology fell on deaf ears.
"Please take them off," Obi-Wan pressed out instead, tugging on his wrists, the panic visible in his face despite the bandages covering his eyes.
"Obi-Wan, those are…," she began, but he cut her off.
"Do you have any idea how it feels to lose your eyesight?", he grounded out, not caring that he probably was too harsh considering she only wanted to help him, "And if that isn't enough you take the little freedom I have left as well."
The healer was definitely taken aback by his sudden outburst, as she pulled her hand back and remained silent for a moment. The sudden loss of contact made him involuntarily shiver. Obi-Wan wished he could see her face, to gain at least a glimpse of what she was thinking.
But then a click sounded and the cuffs fell away from his wrists. Slowly he pulled his arms together, absently rubbing his forearms. Finally, the panic lost its grip on him.
"Thank you," he whispered, "…and I'm sorry."
"You don't need to apologize, there's a lot to take in," she said reassuringly, "You might not remember but you woke up a few times before – confused, trying to claw at your face."
Obi-Wan hummed resigned. "No, I don't remember."
"Can you give me your arm?"
For once, he complied with the healer's orders. He just wanted the pain to stop.
This time he expected her grip on his forearm and didn't flinch away. She sprayed something cold in the crook of his elbow, before she grabbed something from the table.
"I'm going to prick you now, try not to pull away please," she declared, waiting for him to acknowledge it.
"Just do it."
"Okay," Master Che said and pinched his skin with the needle without much fanfare. After she was done, she started putting the things away. "You'll feel better in a few minutes."
"Physically at least," Obi-Wan muttered absently, before he could stop himself. Emotionally he still didn't know how to handle this.
"Is there someone I can call for you?", she asked tentatively, sitting down at his side again.
Satine. That was the first name that rang in his head. But she was gone. Because he had failed to slay that Sith like he had been supposed to.
Anakin and Ahsoka. He could feel neither of his padawans. Right next to the gaping hole that the bond with Satine had left behind, their bonds vanished into nothingness.
His best friend hated him. And his dear grandpadawan probably resented him for not helping her. For letting them sentence her for a crime she didn't commit.
No. There was nobody. He was alone.
Not having enough strength to speak anymore, he shallowly shook his head and pressed his lips into a thin line. Obi-Wan felt like he was on the verge of breaking down and before he knew it, hot tears slipped between the bandages, burning on the sensitive skin, trailing down his cheeks.
"Hey, hey," Vokara spoke with a quick and hushed voice, failing to hide that she was overwhelmed by the situation.
Obi-Wan had never cried openly. Even after Qui-Gon's death he had refrained to do so until Anakin had been settled in. Only in the silence of his room in the middle of the night had he allowed the tears to fall.
Unexpectedly, tender hands settled on his neck and pulled him closer against a shoulder. "I'm so sorry," she breathed, sending soothing waves through the Force. They sat like this for a while, Obi-Wan still silent and unmoving, while the master healer simply held him close.
When his tears finally ceased again, he pulled back from the embrace, not quite knowing what to do or to say. His shoulders slumping, he lowered his head as if he tried to avoid her gaze. Logically, Obi-Wan knew that he wasn't able to tell if she was even looking at him. And yet he tried to hide from those analyzing eyes, concealing the pitiful existence he had been reduced to.
"How come you don't ask what happened?" he finally dared to ask, his throat painfully dry once again.
Her silence already made him suspect that she was hiding something from him and this was a bad omen, but it caused him to stiffen when she finally vocalized it anyway.
"I don't know how to say it, Obi-Wan… but there are recordings. Of your and Skywalker's fight."
So everybody knew. The images had probably already spread rapidly on the HoloNet. Obi-Wan didn't know what to say. It wasn't enough that his best friend had attacked and injured him - no, of course this had to happen on camera and would now possibly lead to a political conflict.
"We have also received news from Mandalore," Master Che spoke softly, but it still made his breath catch in his throat.
"Please don't," he interrupted her hoarsely, "I can't talk about it yet."
"I understand."
No you don't. You have no idea. No one understands what I am feeling.
Obi-Wan wanted to yell, to shout. But he knew it wouldn't change anything. So he resigned to silence trapping the thoughts that tore him apart inside.
"I should change the bandage, if that's okay for you."
He honestly didn't care. But a small part inside of him whispered that it was not the healer's fault that he was sitting here like this. She was just doing her job. It was unfair to let her get the brunt of his frustration.
"Just go ahead," he muttered exasperatedly.
This time he was prepared for her touch. Obi-Wan felt the layers on his eyes slowly diminish until only the Bacta patch remained, covering them directly.
"This might hurt a little," Vokara said, her hand on his temple where the patch ended. "If it gets too bad, give me a sign."
Sitting up a little, Obi-Wan prepared himself for the pain and took a deep breath. The Master Healer was gentle and precise as she removed the patch, and he felt her use the Force to numb the skin a little. When it was finally off, he visibly relaxed, his fingers detangling from where they had unconsciously grabbed the blanket.
The cool air tingling against his skin, he found himself almost wanting to rub his eyes out of reflex, but fortunately Master Che was alert and caught his hands halfway.
He froze. "Oh, yes... bad idea."
Calmly, she let go of his hands again and Obi-Wan dropped them into his lap. "It's a normal reaction, don't worry too much," she assured him and set about gathering her things. Again, Obi-Wan heard her moving around. It was hard to concentrate on all these things. He tried to put all these perceptions together into a picture that would at least give him an impression of what he could have easily seen before. He did not want to succeed. Whether it was due to the drugs that clouded his mind or whether his plan was simply too complicated and doomed to failure, he could not say. What he did know was that it made him angry and frustrated. He did not know how to deal with this helplessness. Obi-Wan couldn't let himself be dependent on others again.
'I see where this has gotten me,' he thought grimly, his mind wandering to Satine, who had died because of his failure, and his two Padawans, who had left him in the end because he had not been there when they needed him.
When he was alone, he couldn't accidentally hurt anyone either. And the other way around that also meant that one could not hurt him.
"I can practically hear your dark thoughts," the Jedi healer voiced after a moment, pulling up the chair next to the bed with a scrape and then sitting down.
Obi-Wan grumbled to himself, gnawing on his cheeks and slammed his shields into place. There was a beat of silence where neither of them spoke but in the end Master Che caved in.
"It's not healthy to keep it all in," she sighed, "I'm here to listen, you know? Not just as a healer but as a friend."
"I said I don't want to talk about it right now," he gritted out between clenched teeth, his voice darkening.
"I know what you said," came her sharp response, "But you seem to me like you don't want to talk about it all. And as a healer, I cannot and must not approve of that. Either you talk to someone you trust, be it Master Koon or even your commander... Or I have to assign you a mind healer."
Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose. If it were up to him, he would prefer to avoid company of any kind right now. Ignoring what Vokara just said, he asked a different question instead.
"When can I go home?"
"Obi-Wan, have you even..."
This time it was him who would have liked to roll his eyes. "Yes, I listened to you, and I'll say again that I don't have the strength or the nerve to deal with this right now." His mood quickly declined and this was noticeable in his presence. Normally, he was known to always keep his calm and be level-headed but now those attributes just slipped away from him.
She let out an exasperated sigh and Obi-Wan knew he was more than a little on the healer's nerves.
"Definitely not today," she replied curtly, "Now let me check the wound, I have other patients to attend to."
A certain coldness had replaced the previous warmth in her voice. The rational part in his brain whispered to Obi-Wan that his behavior was not okay, and that he should actually apologize. But as before, the words stuck in his throat. Against his nature there was suddenly the need to just be alone. Subconsciously, he shut himself off, even from the Force, which still led a wild turmoil inside him.
His body did not twitch as Master Che's hands now touched his face and worked on the sore skin around his eyes. Obi-Wan felt numb, as if he were no longer connected to his body. He was so lost in thought that he didn't even notice that the healer had finished her examination and was talking to him.
"… well. I think we can leave it off as long as you don't touch it…"
"Hm?" Obi-Wan turned his head into the direction where her voice came from, "Sorry, what were you saying? I – I must have drifted off."
Vokara paused for a moment. When she spoke again, her voice carried a hint of sympathy and the coldness from before had vanished. "I said we can leave the bandage off for now. The wound is healing well and I am optimistic that the scarring can be reduced to a minimum with the bacta."
"… That's good to hear. I guess."
"There are ways to see with the Force, you know? Of course, it will take time and energy, but there have always been Jedi who have managed to make their way despite their blindness."
"I know."
Tahl. A good friend of his own master. One had hardly been able to tell she was blind. So gracefully had she moved in battle and so confident had been her demeanor. Obi-Wan had liked the woman. She has always been gentle. And a good listener. Back in his days as a padawan he had found himself at her apartment more often than not. Especially when he had gotten into yet another argument with his master.
Unfortunately, she was no longer with them. Like Qui-Gon.
"Is there perhaps a way to get some fresh air?" Although he couldn't see his surroundings, they felt like the walls were getting closer and closer.
"Your room has a small balcony. Are you sure you want to get up?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay," Master Che stepped closer, "Then sit up and swing your legs over the side of the bed. But slowly, I'm warning you."
Obi-Wan did as instructed. The tiles were cold under his bare feet, but he didn't mind. It gave him at least a small impression of what surrounded him. When he finally sat upright, the nausea and headache returned. Propping his arms on the mattress, he tried to even out his breathing.
"Doing all right?" the healer inquired, placing a steadying hand on his shoulder.
Nodding, he swallowed the bile that had started to make its way up his throat. "Just… a little dizzy."
"Okay, just grab my arm whenever you are ready."
Obi-Wan took his time before placing his hand on the arm that was still holding his shoulder. Slowly but steady Vokara guided him to his feet then until he was standing mostly on his own apart from the arm that was being held tightly by the healer.
As he made his first step, he almost stumbled had she not caught him. Scrunching up his face, Obi-Wan stood still for am moment. "It feels strange. Like my sense of balance is completely messed up."
"Your body hasn't gotten used to missing some information input yet," she explained, "Give it time. Besides, the drugs I gave you are quite strong. Normally, no man would be able to take even one step after that. That you're still standing here amazes me."
Together they moved toward the balcony until they stopped and Obi-Wan heard the hiss of the door as Master Che opened it.
"We're almost there. There's a small step in front of you."
Carefully, Obi-Wan pushed his foot forward, felt the edge, and finally lifted it to climb up. Already he felt the shallow breeze that tingled against his skin and made his eyes itch a little.
At last, they entered the balcony fully and Vokara led him to the side as he at least suspected.
"There's a bench behind you. You should sit down."
Reaching his hand back and feeling the bench, he sat down and blew out a breath. The walk had been more strenuous than he wanted to admit.
"I must go on now, Obi-Wan. Padawan Dellian will check on you from time to time. Is that okay with you?"
He leaned back a little and let his head rest against the wall. "Yes. Thank you, Master Che. And sorry about earlier. I don't know what got into me either."
"You have a lot to deal with," she briefly put a hand on his upper arm, "Just remember you're not alone."
With that, she left him and Obi-Wan was again alone with his thoughts.
For a moment, he wondered if Anakin was still at large. Somehow it surprised him that they didn't want him to make a statement about the incident. Even if he was not sure if he wanted to give it. On the one hand there were enough recordings and on the other hand he didn't want to have to testify against his own brother. Even if Anakin had hurt him so much. Not only physically, but above all mentally.
And Ahsoka? Force, the poor child. Obi-Wan did not know what to do. He didn't know what they were doing to her now. What the Senate had decided. Maybe he could take her place. Ahsoka was a minor, and as her grandmaster, he had the position of a guardian in a way.
It was clear that only a scapegoat was being sought. Just another blow of the Senate against the Jedi. If they would now get a Jedi Master instead of a simple Padawan, that would only be fine with them.
Obi-Wan had nothing left to lose. And if it meant he could give Ahsoka another chance, it was worth it to him.
Maybe he would see Satine again sooner.
As always, I appreciate all your comments and if you want to, feel free to check out my other story 'Rock Bottom' :D
