"There's nothing to explain! Whatever has gotten into you... I... I don't know who you are anymore! At least, not my master."

The words stung. Anakin squeezed his eyes shut, letting his head flop against the door. But it was the truth. He had no right to call himself her master. Not anymore. Not after everything he had done.

Suddenly, all the strength he had gathered to keep himself upright faded into nothingness. His legs gave out and he let himself slide down the wall.

"Anakin… please listen to me."

Obi-Wan's words still echoed inside his head. He had heard them. But never really listened. The way out had been that simple, just strike. Let him feel the pain he had felt under his skin for years. The feeling of not being at home here, of being an outsider. In some way he had let his master feel it, had excluded him from his life after his undercover mission. Had shown him that he was not welcome.

Anakin didn't understand how Obi-Wan could have done such a thing. Not after Qui-Gon had died in his arms.

But he had never asked for answers either. His trust had been broken, so he had seen no reason to rebuild it.

Still, he knew his anger had been misplaced. It had not been Obi-Wan who was to blame for everything. It had been the Jedi. The Council. But above all he himself.

The Chosen One. How he cursed that prophecy. Anakin had seen the fear in the eyes of the other Jedi, had fed on it. Had reinforced his conscience that he possessed powers no one else could control.

The only one who had never confronted him with that had been Obi-Wan. Not a word had he lost about the prophecy.

And yet he was the one who had taken the brunt of Anakin's anger on a daily basis.

Anakin pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. "I should have never left Tatooine. They should have never found me."

Tears began to trail down his cheeks. For all the mistakes he had ever made in his life – this was the one he would never be able to come to terms with. He didn't know how to make amends. He had destroyed everything in just a few seconds. Just because he didn't know how to control himself.

Sniffing, Anakin pulled his head up again and let it rest against the wall. His fingers ghosted over the commlink on his arm. He thought about calling his wife.

How right she had been. She had warned him of what could happen. Had begged him to speak with his master. But Anakin didn't listen. He had always been stubborn and wanted to get his head through the wall. No matter whether he was right or wrong. He had gotten away with it for too long.

Maybe he deserved that, being hated. Padme had every right to ignore him, to hate him, even to divorce him.

But still, he had to talk to her. At least he should try to explain himself. With that, Anakin heaved himself to his feet and wiped the tears from his eyes. When he reached out with the Force, he found that Ahsoka was long gone. Silently he stared at the closed door. He knew he should let her go for now. Only he hoped that she knew where she was going. And that maybe she could forgive him someday.

Anakin pulled his hood deep into his face, walked down the hall, past the receptionist and out into the pouring rain.

He had only one goal. 500 Republica. Nightfall gave him the protection he needed as he approached a parked speeder. No one gave him a second glance. Anakin deftly swung himself into the pilot's seat and tampered with the cables under the controls. It didn't take long for him to hotwire the vehicle and bring the engine to life. It was an outdated model, but he could fly just about anything. As he set off, he wondered if maybe he should have been a pilot after all. But no, he had wanted more. To be a Jedi. To help others.

Anakin bit into his cheeks. Instead of helping, he had hurt the ones he trusted most, cast them out. His fingers tightened around the wheel, his prosthetic almost leaving marks. He wondered if he would be able to face Obi-Wan ever again. He couldn't take back what he had done – or what he said. The damage was done.

Lost in thought Anakin almost automatically landed the speeder between the tall buildings and hopped out. He looked up to where he knew Padme's apartment was, rain drops blurring his vision. He wasn't so certain anymore if he wanted to do this.

Maybe he should just disappear. Leave it all behind. His life. His family, his friends. Who he used to be.

"No," Anakin muttered to himself, tearing his gaze away. He couldn't run from his mistakes forever. Not anymore. For far too long, he had sought the faults of others. Never with himself. It had been simple. His ego had grown with his power. But with it also the attitude that he was infallible, invincible. Obi-Wan had been right. After one of Anakin's outbursts, his master had said words that he had not forgotten to this day.

One day your anger will get the better of you if you don't learn to control yourself, Anakin. And I don't know if I will be there to stop you.

Obi-Wan had left him alone after that, an expression of disappointment carved into his face as he shut the door behind him. Anakin had called him a coward after that. How wrong he had been.

He still stood in front of the apartment complex, contemplating about his master's words. Obi-Wan hadn't stopped him. Hadn't even lifted a hand to stop the strike. His stomach twisted painfully. Had his master foreseen what he was about to do?

That Anakin would ultimately be his downfall?

He unhooked the lightsaber from his belt with a trembling hand. Lightsaber wounds didn't bleed. And yet he almost felt the blood that was now clinging to the weapon, to his hands. The pain and fear he had caused with it.

Obi-Wan's scream echoed in his head. That broken whisper of his name when he had turned to leave the man who had raised him.

Anakin's fingers slipped from the cylinder in his hand. With a wet thud the weapon dropped down into the mud. He stared at it, numbness overwhelming his senses.

This weapon is your life.

No. It wasn't anymore. He didn't know where his place was now. The place he had called home was his no longer. Anakin swallowed thickly and picked the sword back up from the ground. His fingers traced the scratches and nicks on the surface, remembering how they got there. How many times he had saved a life with it. And how many times he had taken one.

Detached, he lowered the weapon to his side and focused back at the apartment block in front of him. It was time.

His wet boots squeaked on the floor as he hesitantly entered the complex. Immediately he was surrounded by beautiful painted walls and pristine floors, a cleanliness that contrasted harshly with the rest of Coruscant. That had always been something that had bothered him. Anakin needed a little chaos to feel comfortable. He had often infuriated Obi-Wan with it, but at some point his master had given up on it.

A shallow smile stretched across his face. He could still remember the day when Obi-Wan had discovered that Ahsoka was just as much of a mess as her master. His friend had stared at them both in disbelief for a moment before silently turning around and marching into the kitchen to pour himself a not-so-small glass of whiskey.

Both of them had insisted that they weren't that bad but Obi-Wan had merely shook his head, taking another swig from the glass.

Now that memory left a sense of bitterness behind. His smile faded again as quickly as it had appeared. He had destroyed everything he had held dear. And probably had not only torn his own life apart, but Obi-Wan's as well. Hearing that Satine had died right before all of this had happened… it explained why his master hadn't been able to be much help. Anakin could only imagine how grief and shock must have been eating him up from the inside.

And what had he done instead of helping his brother? He destroyed maybe the last anchor Obi-Wan had had that kept him from falling into that dark hole.

His lightsaber still in his hand, Anakin trailed towards the elevators, leaving muddy footprints on his path. He pressed the button and the doors opened smoothly with a soft ping, revealing its mirrored interior.

His reflection kept staring back at him, tired blue eyes peeking out underneath the hood. Anakin had never felt more out of place. Lowering his gaze, he stepped inside and turned around to face the still open door. His finger was hovering above the button that would bring him up to Padme's apartment, as he noticed the little droid. With a little wipe in front of it, the little droid pushed forward, removing Anakin's muddy footprints, leaving a shiny trail behind. With a whir, it bumped against his feet, then emitted a displeased-sounding beep and moved back. Entranced, Anakin screwed up his face and at first glanced after the cleaning droid until his gaze caught on a small speck of dirt just in front of the tops of his feet.

"You missed a spot," he muttered to himself, somehow resigned, and hit the elevator button with a bit more force than necessary.

The door swooshed shut and the lift began to move. His heart pounded in his chest and Anakin fought to get air into his lungs. He was afraid. After all the things he had encountered over the years, he was afraid of this. Of the reaction of his own wife.

Anakin involuntarily flinched as the lift grinded to a halt and announced its arrival with a ping. With a heaviness in his steps, he stepped out into the hallway and headed for the door that led to her apartment. Absently, he pulled the dripping wet hood from his head, his equally wet hair falling into his face. As he arrived in front of the door, he briefly thought about using the biopad to open the it since his imprint was stored on it, but then decided against it. Instead, he knocked and waited.

Nothing happened. Frowning, Anakin knocked again, this time a little louder. "Padme? It's me... Please, we need to talk."

Again, no answer was heard. He reached out with the Force and realized that his wife was indeed not home. Where could she be now?

Making a decision, Anakin put his hand on the scanner and entered the apartment.

Nothing looked out of the ordinary as he stepped into the living room. As always, the room was neatly made, just the way Padme preferred it.

"Master Ani, what a surprise!", a voice suddenly piped up from somewhere across the room and Anakin turned to look at the new arrival. C-3PO. Of course.

Groaning inwardly, he put on a forced smile. "Hello, 3PO," Anakin said and before the droid could start with babbling nonsense, he quickly added, "Where is Padme?"

The droid stalked further into the room, its golden color shimmering as if it had just been polished. "Oh, she suddenly left in a hurry. Just mumbled that she had to get to the Jedi Temple."

Anakin's breath got caught in his throat.

Padme knew. And instead of looking for him, she went to the jedi temple. To Obi-Wan.

A pang of jealousy and also anger surged through him before he knew better.

Unwanted. Second choice. Outcast. Monster. The words echoed in his head, stoking the fire inside of him.

"No," he muttered silently, shaking his head, "That's not right." He carded one of his hands through his damp hair, the other still clamped around the lightsaber.

"Will you leave me for a moment...?" he asked then, his voice unnaturally unsteady, "I need… to think."

3PO looked at him with his big yellow photoreceptors and probably would have tilted his head if he had been able to. But thankfully the protocol droid didn't push the subject und instead started to leave again. "As you wish," he said with his typical tinny voice and disappeared around the corner.

When he was finally alone again, he let out a breath he hadn't even been aware he had been holding. He dragged himself over to the couch and dropped down, placing the lightsaber carelessly on the table in front of him.

Anakin didn't know why he hadn't expected Padme to decide to check on Obi-Wan. The two had always been friends, even if he had never wanted to admit it. What was he doing now? His heartbeat quickened again and Anakin felt a panic attack begin to creep up on him. He needed to talk to someone.

With trembling fingers, he picked up his commlink and stared at the small black device before hesitantly dialing the ID.

He hadn't called her in a long time. Maybe he should have.

With a crackle, the connection established and a feminine voice answered.

"Hello?"

Anakin's throat was suddenly dry as he answered. "Hello, Mum."

"Ani? Is that you? Oh my gosh, I haven't heard from you in a long time." Her voice was filled with joy and somehow that made his heart ache.

"I know, I'm sorry. It's just... a lot happened."

A moment of silence followed before Shmi said something again. "Is everything okay? You sound depressed."

He suddenly remembered going to Tatooine together with Obi-Wan when he was younger. The nightmares had plagued him so much that he almost woke up every night, screaming his lungs out until his master had somehow managed to wake him up. Both of them had been shaken to the core by this and neither of them had been able to ignore the issue any longer, even though they had started to avoid each other after this. Their arguments had gotten worse before this, reaching their peak when Anakin literally told Obi-Wan that he wished that Qui-Gon would have been his master. The silence that followed had stretched on and Anakin had gotten angrier as the time passed. Maybe it had been the lack of sleep or maybe it was the knowledge that he would not receive help from the jedi. It didn't matter anymore.

Obi-Wan had simply woken him up one morning, telling him that they were going on a trip. Anakin had been confused, had almost refused to go because he didn't really have the energy to deal with his master.

"Just leave me alone," Anakin grumbled, turning over and pulling the blanket over his head.

His master stood in the doorway with his arms crossed, the lines of exhaustion carved deeply into his face. "Come on, Anakin. At least give me the chance."

"You had your chance," he grunted in annoyance, trying to block out the other man's presence.

Obi-Wan sighed and turned to leave. "If that's the way you want it, then stay here. Shall I at least give your mother a message?"

Immediately he was on his feet.

"Is this a bad joke?" he hissed as he stomped over to Obi-Wan and glared angrily at him.

"Why would I lie?" his master countered him wearily, seemingly unaffected by Anakin's anger, "So we can continue to fight...? And make you hate me even more than you already do?"

Somewhere this had struck a nerve inside him, but he hadn't dared say anything about it.

"So you're serious about this? We're going to Tatooine?" he asked incredulously.

Obi-Wan shrugged his shoulders. "If you don't want to, all you have to do is say so. I won't force you."

Anakin couldn't remember ever being ready faster. When they had finally set out, an almost uncomfortable silence had hung between them again, and that hadn't changed much when they had finally landed near Mos Espa. He had immediately walked ahead in the direction of Watto's store, hoping to find his mother there. Instead, he had only found the Toydorian who, after a little more or less forceful persuasion, had told him where his mother was.

Obi-Wan had silently accompanied him, hadn't even said a word when he had threatened Watto. It wasn't until they were both in a speeder, Obi-Wan in the driver's seat for once, that Anakin had decided to say something.

"It's not true," he murmured, his gaze fixed on the redhead.

His master didn't look at him, his eyes still roving over the endless amounts of sand as he drove the rust bucket forward. "What do you mean?" he asked anyway.

Anakin swallowed. "What you said this morning. I don't hate you. And I'm sorry that I wished Qui-Gon was here and not you. I know you're trying your best."

Still Obi-Wan didn't look at him, but Anakin noticed a hint of sadness enter his eyes, and his grip on the steering wheel became almost steely. When he tried to reach him through their training bond, he hit a wall that seemed impenetrable.

Resigned, he pulled back and looked at Obi-Wan. "Master, please... I know that..."

He was interrupted when the other suddenly stopped the speeder. "I think we're here," said Obi-Wan, pointing at a small hut ahead.

Anakin looked ahead, noticed the small, makeshift building. His heart felt like it was about to jump out of his chest. Seven years. That's how long he hadn't seen her. He was sixteen now. Hesitantly he got out of the speeder, starting to walk towards the hut until he noticed that Obi-Wan still hadn't moved from his spot.

"You're not coming?", he asked, turning around again to face his master.

"Do you want me to?", Obi-Wan returned simply, as if he actually expected his padawan to say no.

"Of course," Anakin answered, the all-familiar sting in his chest returning, together with that sense of wrongness.

They had walked the short distance together and Anakin had finally met his mother again, together with her husband Cliegg. She was no longer a slave, had finally earned her freedom. For a few hours, Anakin's world felt complete. But when they were about to leave again, he hadn't felt comfortable of the two staying on Tatooine.

"I don't want you to stay here, mum," he said, pulling her into a tight hug.

"We'll be fine, Anakin," she tried to calm him, running a hand through his hair, "I promise."

Anakin vehemently shook his head. "No, you don't understand," he shot a look at Obi-Wan who had stepped back to give the family some space, "I've been having dreams… of you dying."

"Oh, Ani," she caressed his cheek with her hand, "I know that Tatooine is a dangerous place but I assure you that I am safe here with Cliegg. Besides, we can't afford to move to another planet."

He bit his lip, thoughts running through his head. "I'm sure if I ask Pad… Senator Amidala, that she will be able to help us out."

Again, his mother shook her head. "Ani, we can't…"

But before she could end her sentence, Obi-Wan interfered. "Ms. Skywalker, I don't want to sound rude, but I think your son is right. You shouldn't stay here."

Shmi sighed and pulled away from the embrace. "And where do you suggest we go then, Master Kenobi?"

Obi-Wan suddenly looked a bit insecure and swallowed thickly, but still he kept his voice steady. "Well, there is a small farm on Stewjon… the place is a bit rundown and the barn needs to be rebuilt because a fire destroyed it but… with a bit of work it could definitely be called a home."

Anakin hadn't realized what Obi-Wan was suggesting at the time. Stewjon. The name had sounded somehow familiar in the back of his mind. But back then he had been much too euphoric that there was an option to get his mother away from Tatooine. He had asked no questions. Neither how Obi-Wan knew about the farm, nor why he seemed so absent and depressed when he mentioned it. For him it had only mattered that they had managed to convince Cliegg and his mother.

They had brought the two to Stewjon after this. Obi-Wan became dangerously quiet again the longer they stayed. He obviously didn't want to remain there longer than necessary so Anakin took mercy and said goodbye to his mother after they had helped them to set up the most necessary things. He felt like a heavy burden had been lifted of his chest. But still, not everything was alright.

On their flight back to Coruscant he had finally gained the courage to address the issue.

"Is there something you want to tell me?", he queried, eyeing the man next to him carefully.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "No. It's fine."

"You're acting strange," he pushed further, trying to get through to his master.

"The visit just stirred up some memories, that's all."

Anakin furrowed his brows, confused. "What memories? What do you…?", he stopped himself as it suddenly dawned on him, "Stewjon is your home planet."

"Yes." Obi-Wan answered tight-lipped avoiding his padawan's gaze.

"And the farm belonged to… your parents?"

He only got a shallow nod in response but it was confirmation enough. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't know." They had to be dead.

"It's okay," his master muttered absently, "I wouldn't have offered it if I didn't want them to have it. At least like this the place at least gets a purpose again and you don't need to worry anymore."

"If you say so," Anakin mumbled, still unconvinced.

They hadn't talked about it ever again. It only came up years later, when Ahsoka had found an ominous envelope at some point while cleaning up the living room, somewhere far up on a shelf. She had given it to Anakin, who had then opened the envelope after short moment of hesitation. Inside had been an official letter from Stewjon. He had read two names which at first meant nothing to him, until he had seen the last name. Kenobi. Hectically he had read on, suddenly having a bad feeling about it.

Accident… Fire... We are regret to inform you that they did not make it out…

It was dated about 6 years year before they had gone and picked up his mother from Tatooine.

Silently he had folded the letter and put it back into the envelope, trying to close it again. Then he had given it back to Ahsoka, telling her to put it back and forget she had ever seen it.

Anakin somehow felt sick, as he stared at the commlink in his hand.

"Anakin? Are you still there?", his mother asked suddenly, concerned.

"Yes… sorry. I must have drifted off," he forced out, trying to hide the quivering in his voice, "I am fine. Just wanted to check if you're doing well."

"Oh, of course… me and Cliegg are doing well. The farm is thriving. You wouldn't believe it. Maybe you and Master Kenobi want to come and visit us again."

He couldn't tell her. He didn't have it in him. His mother had always been so proud of him. It would break her heart, to know what her dear son had done.

No, he couldn't tell her. Even if that was the wrong decision.

"Sure," he said instead, "We'll see when we have some time to spare."

A noise could be heard from the other end of the line and Anakin heard how his mother spoke to someone.

"Sorry, Ani," she then spoke up again, "Cliegg needs my help with something, we can talk again later, okay?"

"Of course," he attempted to sound composed, "Don't let me stop you."

"Take care of yourself. And give my regards to your master."

Anakin laughed shallowly. "Will do. See you, Mum."

The line disconnected. And then the silence was back. And with it, the dark thoughts, the fear. With shaky fingers Anakin put his commlink on the table, next to his lightsaber. He finally had to do the right thing.

A small piece of paper and a pen lay on the table and Anakin quickly wrote down a few words, before he placed the note next to the rest of his things and stood up with the intention to leave.

As he reached the elevator he glanced back for a last time. He needed to do this. Not just for his own sake, but also for everyone he held dear.

As the lift door closed behind him, the note was left on the table, somehow sealing his doom.

Only one sentence was written down on it:

I'm sorry.


Finally :D Two months of not writing is definitely too long. I hope I have not made you wait too long.