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Souls of the Night
10.
12 hours later we woke up, me still half-sitting on Nash, all in a loose hug, which we broke open to stretch and yawn. Then we looked at each other, all blushing quite a bit.
"Sorry for my outburst," Nash said unusually meekly, rubbing his beak where he'd gotten a bad bruise from one of my punches before petrifying. Now that I had literally slept on it, I couldn't believe what had driven me to challenge him to a fight! Nashville was so much stronger, faster, more agile than me. Nevertheless, I had been able to keep him halfway on his toes. But one night later - the whole thing made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn't someone who picked up a fight! Nobody who was so willing to take risks just because he was nosey and the other person didn't want to talk to you. Nathaniel Sharif was the kind of person who would smile embarrassed and awkward, would say "okay, sorry to bother you" and shuffle home to crawl under the covers in his bed, ashamed that he'd even brought it up. Yes, that had to be it. Just like my increased sexual lust, it had to be this gargoyle body. I had no choice but to blame it on my gargoyle side for being so out of control.
Lex had stepped back from us but was still close enough to rub Nash's upper arm comfortingly. "It's all right. Talking about feelings clears the air. Like a thunderstorm."
"I'd be grateful ... if this didn't come up in front of anyone. Not in front of Brooklyn, not in front of Davis. Not in front of anyone. Okay?"
He looked at us inquiringly but uncertainly. Lex and I nodded reluctantly, even though we knew it would take a lot more talking.
"If that's what you want ... okay," I said reluctantly.
"Thank you, Hercules. You were pretty brave yesterday. And I thought Lex only had a thing for wussies."
"Hey!" my friend blurted out scandalized while I laughed at his cute indignant face.
"So ... and how was that?" Nashville said, scratching his neck in unconvincing disinterest. "You visited my ex-girlfriend? The meanest, nastiest mob chick on the East Coast? And you saw her in the Jacuzzi?"
"He even sat in it with her. And they had a sauna session afterwards," Lexington chuckled with a sly look in my direction.
Nash was obviously choking on his own saliva. "What?" he croaked, half laughing, half coughing.
Nashville had just admitted that he couldn't get away from this woman. I didn't know if I wanted to go into so much detail about my visit with her or if it would push him into further action, or worse, make him jealous. Although the latter would be far-fetched because I didn't like women in that context and he knew that very well. I should rather be pitied for my Graziella-Dracon-experience. It was more this side that I wanted to push as I rubbed my upper arms as if I were shivering.
"But not by choice, you can believe me. Sonny caught me snooping, tasered me, then threw me in the hot tub in just my underpants. And then they played their mobster psycho games and - I was completely terrified the whole time."
Instead of being repulsed, Nash grinned as if he got one hell of a kick out of hearing about his ex's non-crime related nastiness.
"That must have been traumatic for you," he said, but it didn't sound sympathetic when he grinned like that at the same time.
"Yes!" I said snappishly. "I probably peed in the pool out of fright! Sonny then manhandled me into the house. I thought they were going to kill me! But he "only" ripped off my underpants and pushed me into the sauna where he used his fat black cock to menace me and I had a private word with Graziella that would have inspired Vito Corleone."
Nashville laughed loudly and enthusiastically and I needed to laugh too. Even my boyfriend laughed and stroked my dreadlocks comfortingly. When I had first mentioned the matter of Sunny's threatening nudity - in the privacy of my room - he hadn't been quite so cool.
"She was naked in the sauna too?"
"What do you think? And they kept calling me buttercup!"
Nashville laughed so genuinely and so intensely that I had to lean back to keep his beak out of my face. So that was it. I'd let Nashville fall apart yesterday because of my curiosity - and now I had to pull him back up with cheery Dracon stories. The gargoyle in me, who wanted to cheer up a fellow species, thought that was only fair. And ... okay, the human endured the shame too, if it pulled Nash out of his burgeoning summer depression for a few days.
"Damn, that's my bad girl." Nashville mumbled as he had laughed himself into blissful exhaustion and wiped the tears of laughter away with the back of his hand. "Buttercup. Why didn't I think of that?"
I took a deep breath. And patted him on the shoulder. "They're both appropriate nicknames," I said with a defeated sigh. I couldn't even be mad at Nashville. Not now that I realized how the bond made him feel and suffer. And yet, Nashville still hungered for anything that had to do with Graziella. He was probably hurting himself. His gaze, which he had now lowered, with that now much milder, nostalgic smile - it hurt just to look at it.
"Was the little one there?" he asked much more seriously.
"Yes. And he has-"
"Let me guess - he touched your horns. And cuddled you afterwards."
"Yes. It was ... scary but so sweet. All under Sonny and Graziella's wolf stares."
"They're good at those stares ... What was she wearing? Graziella."
"Uhhh in the jacuzzi? Ähm a bikini but not one of those string types. One with lots of fabric. Burgundy red."
"Mhmmm," Nash said and grinned as if he had just been served a little tidbit. Even though I was gay, I didn't want to turn him on while I was still sitting on his legs.
"So," I said a little uncomfortably and reached under my sloppy man-bun to rub the back of my head. "She was doing really well."
I tried to stand up but he grabbed my arm.
"What did she say about me?"
"Nash, I think that's enough. Anything more won't help you," Lexington said, standing up himself and patting off his pants. If I made the young bond-sick gargoyle crave rather than cheer him up, he and I didn't see the point.
"Nothing can help me and you know it, Lex. Leave me my breadcrumbs if you want me to get through the next few months until Halloween. So Hercules?"
"She didn't actually say anything about YOU. Just about your relationship. That you hurt each other and can't stop."
"That's fitting, I think."
"And that I should stay out of it or it would get bad for me. And that I should ask you if I want to know more." I frowned in irritation and felt my massive brow furrow. "Whereby ... I only now realize that she used words like "nudge him in the right direction a little" and "poke him a little". And that you would appreciate the direct approach." I grabbed my horns in mute horror. "Wait a minute? Did she push me into a confrontation with you because she knew you'd beat the snot out of me?"
Nashville laughed, this time as warmly as it was agonized.
"I think she did. She's fantastically sneaky, isn't she? After a short time, you don't know what's coming out of your head and what she's just planting in you."
Now I really shuddered. That Nashville had been under the influence of someone like that. That a part of him still wished that ... It had taken Jussuf years to push my mind break forward. His gaslighting had been cheap and flat but it had been enough. How long would it take someone like Graziella Dracon to do that without her using physical force?
Nashville looked at me again and his smile towards me was warm for the first time in weeks. Friendly. Strange ... familiar. As if the fight and his tears had really cleared the air between us.
"In any case - you're as crazy as you are brave and self-endangering. Plus a lucky bastard when it comes to surviving," he said with an irritating level of appreciation and approval.
"And ... that's good?" I asked, unsure and eager for confirmation.
"Sure. Those are the basic requirements for people who want to interact with Gargoyles on a permanent basis. We attract weird and dangerous situations. Maybe ... you'll really work it out. Being human and staying part of the clan," the young gargoyle admitted.
"I - I really want to make it work. We. Lex and me." I pressed my forehead against the arch of the brow of my dearest beside me. He stumbled back with a stupidly happy smile and flushed cheeks. Nashville watched the rare direct display of affection from me thoughtfully without making a snide comment. He looked rather downbeat.
"But that doesn't mean I apologize for being so bitchy to you. You still annoy me with your obtuseness and ignorance. I'm probably ... just being a dick to Lex, but mostly to you because you bug me so much, Nate," he admitted, slowly unwrapping the strips of cloth from his hands, maybe just so he wouldn't have to look at me at that moment. Because I could feel myself looking at him in horror.
"I didn't want to, so Lex and I-"
"No, not because you make out almost every night in front of anyone in the clan or we smell sex on you all the time," Nash huffed, giving me that frustrated glare again.
"It's MY problem that I have with you guys and you with your 'I'm going to be human again' bullshit. You are SUCH a princess, Hercules. You think love is almighty because it saved you. And it IS powerful. But it's not always beautiful, it's not always pure, it doesn't always give you wings. No. I'm sorry that I'm lumping your situation together with mine and Graziella's, but Graziella chose her path back then. She didn't want to be good. She wanted to take over her father's empire. I would have given her everything she needed to be happy and she wanted none of it. She threw away happiness and clan and love AND me. And here I have to put up with the same shit and you don't even have an agenda like she had!"
Lex and I exchanged glances again. Before I cleared my throat, uncomfortable but with hot cheeks and a fluttering heart.
"Nashville," I said hoarsely. "Do you think ... if I became human again, that would be my way of putting distance between me, Lex, and the clan? Are you just being mean to me because you're afraid I'll leave you? Like she did?"
The youngster, so vulnerable the night before and openly admitting what he was afraid of, huffed and sputtered indignantly.
"Don't make a fool of yourself! As if I want a weenie like you in the clan - permanently. I don't have a problem - you have a problem. I'm super chilled. Like I'm going to be clinging to you like Heather after only three months. I don't even like you!"
Lex smirked and stroked now Nash's hair.
"Oh, Nash-chan. You big softy." We both wanted to hug him (a little to tease him but mostly out of genuine affection). Underneath both of our laughter, Nashville made a frustrated shrill noise and pushed us away.
"Can you guys please be a little more gay!" He sarcastically railed with a bright red head, pushed me off him and jumped to his feet. "Enough with the homoerotic fraternization! Be cool, will you?"
Shaking off the stone chips and dust, he stepped up to the punching bag and lifted it grunting from the carabiner hanging from the iron chains.
My friend and I grinned.
"We're your gay uncles - we don't have to be cool," Lex joked. "Nate and I plan to stay together, though. We're going to try really hard."
"Don't think I don't get you," Nash grumbled as he carried the bag, which probably weighed three hundred pounds, down the hall. I jumped up to open the door hidden in the wood paneling behind which the training equipment was stored. Lex also followed to listen to Nashville's rare candor, which he now brought up like trivialities that were always obvious.
"You think all the time you're doing each other favors by not telling each other what you really want. By dancing around your truths, by not even taking a few minutes to look inside yourselves to understand yourselves and your reasons for anything. When you love someone, you want them to be happy and you both want that for each other. Fantastic, wonderful, it sounds SO simple. But you two Dorks don't even KNOW what makes the other happy. That you only need each other. Just you." With a snort, he tossed the sack onto a rack with wheels in the dark storeroom. His eyes reflected the light from the hall as he looked up.
"Graziella and I - we never had a chance. Because she's been trying to prove something since she was a kid. But you, Hercules - you don't have that excuse."
"Nash, stop it. It's his choice," Lex said.
"Yes, it is. And I wouldn't have a problem if he made good choices, either. I can't have Graziella. And she can't have me. But damn it, Nathaniel. You already HAVE each other and are dancing around each other when all it would take is ONE open conversation. And that just pisses me off! You didn't really want to know what it was with me and Graziella when you came into the hall yesterday morning - "
"Of course I did."
"NO! No, you didn't. You might think that, but the truth is that your own insecurities drove you to me and obviously to her too. You've noticed how I've changed in the last few weeks, how I've become more silent and at the same time more snippy towards you. And you must have thought - like most egocentric people with depression do: What have I done? How can I get back on his good side and make him like me again? I'm definitely getting too much for him. How could I even think that someone could like me permanently when I'm such a pathetic wimp? All the more reason to let myself be turned back. And even though I thought our little training fight was cool, I don't want to be your excuse for not dealing with your own shit. You don't want to be a gargoyle anymore. But why?"
Once again wearing the mask of the cool bad boy, looking at me inquiringly cold, his words struck me to the core. Of course he knew what made depressives tick - he had swum in those waters himself - and it looked like he still did, even if he wasn't currently holed up in his bed. I kneaded my wrist with one hand as if I could still feel the traces of my human life on it.
"I- um... my family. And - and Jussuf. I- just need to become human again. I-I'm not a gargoyle. And these strange powers," I stammered. There was no way I could tell anyone the truth. I couldn't possibly admit that I wasn't necessarily afraid of my fire and wind powers, but of this gargoyle body. Because it turned the miserable but familiar human Nathaniel Sharif into someone completely different. Someone who enjoyed his body, someone who loved erotic romps with my partner and sex in general, someone who sometimes became courageous, even aggressive. Someone who sought conflict and didn't avoid it wherever possible. No modern person ought to have to live like that - so ... at the mercy of his body. I swallowed because Nashville had also used the words "at the mercy" yesterday. Maybe we were more alike than either of us would ever admit. Being at the mercy of something inside you that you couldn't run away from. It was simply terrifying. Why shouldn't I shy away from it if I could have that opportunity with Alexander's help? I wanted a quiet, safe life. Yes, I wanted Lexington and clan life too - but to become fully one of their own... To gradually lose my old human self completely - that's what I was afraid of. I knew none of the others would understand. I wanted to cling to my humanity because it was safe and familiar - even though I had suffered mentally and physically as a human for as long as I could remember.
"It may be ... that my life as a human didn't give me much ... but ... I want to try to change that," I said quietly, unable to look at Nash. And neither at Lex.
"We all know you could solve this shit with your human family as a gargoyle using only the patches. The clan and Lexington would help you get revenge on your rapist either way."
I looked at him dumbfounded. When Nashville bent down to get his cigarettes and Zippo from some hiding place and lit a cigarette, I gazed at Lex. He was standing there with his arms crossed, not looking at me. Did he too ... yes, he had talked about revenge on my first night as a gargoyle. I had begged him to stop reminding me about it and he had remained silent until now. But was his brilliant mind already working on a diabolical plan to make Jussuf suffer? And again ... I had to - to protect my sanity - blame it on this Gargoyle body that I found the idea of making Jussuf Massoud suffer fantastic.
Payback. I had never thought of that word in connection with Jussuf Massoud. I hadn't wanted to think about him at all in the last three months. Not even about my family. Because I was afraid to face them. And I didn't know how I could tell them the truth about Jussuf so that they would believe me.
And again, Nashville Wyvern proved that he was much more receptive and attentive than he seemed. He patted me on the shoulder as he walked past, the cigarette quivering in the corner of his beak as he spoke.
"I'll try not to be so bitchy to you anymore, Hercules. Maybe we can train together again. If I want to practice beating up human opponents. But I'd advise you to take care of the mess on your own doorstep before you start trying to figure out and patch up other people's relationships. Because in a week's time at the latest, when Alex turns you back, you'll have to. Because then you won't be able to run away from your human life."
I'm not running away, I wanted to shout after him. But I could only stare after him with a stern expression on my face.
"Don't let him crawl under your skin. He - he just wants to make you insecure because he's attached to you."
I smiled at Lexington.
"No. He's right. I can no longer let my cowardice on this subject determine my actions. I have to slowly put one foot back into my human life. Otherwise, despite all the help from the clan and you, I won't be able to cope."
I turned and walked through the hall. Behind me, I heard Lexington sigh unhappily. I imagined it was because of Nashville's brutal honesty.
Thanks for reading Q.T.
