Chapter 33
Ahsoka hadn't visited again. He only knew from Shmi and Cliegg that the girl had returned to the farm and had barely left her room since.
He was worried, to say at last.
"Mister Kenobi?", his therapist ripped him out of his thoughts.
"Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry…," he excused himself, "Could you please repeat what you said?"
The woman sighed as she moved his leg again. "You're worried about that girl, aren't you?"
Obi-Wan pressed his lips into a thin line. "She's… she's like a daughter to me."
A chuckle escaped her throat. "I can see that… she adores you."
"… I don't deserve her."
"That's not true," she chided, "… and you know that."
She put her hand against his foot. "Come, try to push my hand away."
Obi-Wan screwed up his face in exertion and did as she told him. It was a slow and painful process but the result still seemed to satisfy her.
"Good," she praised him, "If you keep going like this, we can try standing up in a few days."
In a few days?
Obi-Wan swallowed around the lump in his throat. They had attached his first prosthetic today. A dingy thing, scrapped together from a broken droid.
But Stewjon was a poor planet, he was glad for everything they could offer him.
"Okay," he rasped, "What about my back brace? Any chances at removing that?"
She made an apologetic noise. "Your back is still not stable enough… something is holding up the healing process."
That damn collar.
It was a struggle to breath around it and every few days the doctors had to put bacta around it as the sharp metal teared into his skin.
"I understand," he said, despair leaking into his voice.
The therapist paused for a moment and he knew that she was ogling him with sympathy.
I don't want anyone's sympathy. I don't want to be reduced to… whatever this existence is.
He was angry.
"I think we are done for today," she finally said, "Do you need anything?"
"No," Obi-Wan bit out, sounding harsher than he intended to, "… thank you."
My back and leg still feel like they have been set on fire, but it's not like they can keep pumping me full of drugs.
He had to learn to deal with the pain – his limitations.
"Very well," the woman replied, "Just call if anything changes, okay?"
Obi-Wan only nodded in response and waited unmoving until she left his room before letting his shoulders drop. Shaking hands found their way up to his face.
He forced himself to take a deep breath, as a wave of nausea threatened to overwhelm him.
Not another mess for them to clean up.
It was tiring – being dependent on everybody. There was barely anything he could do on his own.
Eating was troublesome. Not to mention his constant needs like relieving himself or wanting to take a shower.
It was embarrassing. Even though he finally upgraded to using a wheelchair to get to the refresher now.
Never unassisted though.
Time ticked by painfully slow. Padme, Dex, Cliegg and Shmi kept visiting throughout the day, keeping him from losing his sanity.
Ahsoka still did not visit.
Obi-Wan forced himself not to dwell on it. It still hurt.
It was on the fourth day right after he finished his first walking exercise and was sitting at a small table in his room, that a soft knock sounded from the door.
"Come in," he called, not really paying attention as he suspected that it was one of the healers.
The door opened slowly and was closed again.
Obi-Wan finally lifted his head from where he had been focusing on the glass of water in front of him. "Hello?", he asked cautiously, furrowing his brows.
Another second ticked by, doing nothing to help with his uneasiness.
"Hey," an all-familiar voice finally piped up.
His heart grinded to a halt.. "Ahsoka," he breathed, a chill running down his spine.
He heard how she tip-toed closer, coming to a halt on his left side. Obi-Wan twisted on his chair, would have loved to stand up but knew he should – could – not.
"I…," the teenager started hesitantly, before falling silent again.
In moments like this he missed his capability to see. Without the Force – it was almost impossible to guess what someone else was thinking or feeling just by their voices.
Instead of saying anything he opened his arms – waiting for her to decide.
His confidence shattered as Ahsoka remained unmoving. Slowly he let his arms sink again.
Almost as his hands had reached his sides again, he was suddenly engulfed by a pair of arms.
Obi-Wan gasped surprised, his breath momentarily stolen from his lungs. But before she could pull back again, he looped his own arms around the girl, pulling her close. The embrace sent searing waves of pain through his body but he didn't dare to let go.
His head dropped on top of Ahsoka's head, his beard catching on her montreals.
"I'm sorry…," he whispered.
Underneath him, Ahsoka shook her head. "No…," she objected, "I shouldn't have yelled at you. None of this is your fault."
Gently, he pulled back. "I know that you want to help me, but…," he shook his head, "… I really don't think that Bo-Katan will help us." Obi-Wan huffed a laugh and turned away. "She has never been fond of me. Always a true Mandalorian."
"And then there is this whole fiasco with Maul and Satine…," he continued calmly "…she has enough on her own plate."
"You're looking for excuses," Ahsoka murmured with a hushed voice, "Asking costs nothing... if she declines... then we look for different ways."
Obi-Wan grimaced. "No... you don't understand," he rubbed a hand over his face, "One of the last things I was allowed to see was Bo-Katan's face... how she said that I should pray for my life that we would never cross paths again... that it was her last mercy to let me go after everything I did to Mandalore and Satine."
He could only guess the look Ahsoka must be giving him. "… she threatened you?"
"You could say so," he responded, "… and I don't know how to feel about one of them coming close to my neck."
"That's…," Ahsoka bristled with anger, "How dare she?"
A sigh escaped his throat and he massaged his temples as a headache started to make itself known. "Please, calm down, dear."
"Sorry," the padawan's voice was much quieter now, "…sorry."
He tried to crack a smile as the roaring in his ears reached new volumes. "It's alright."
The girl went silent for a moment before speaking again. "… are you okay? You're… pale?"
The buzzing was persistent. "I…," he started, his tongue feeling unnaturally heavy, "Could you help me get back to the bed?... I admit I feel rather tired."
He held his arm out for her to take.
"Oh… sure," she said quickly, insecurity leaking into her voice.
Ahsoka lightly took hold of his arm but soon noticed that he was lacking more strength than she thought and increased her grip on him. Obi-Wan gritted his teeth as he used his other arm to push himself up, both his legs protesting in different ways.
The prosthetic creaked loudly as he put his weight on it.
His frame shook from the strain which made Ahsoka eventually loop his arm over her shoulder and settle her other arm around his waist.
It was humiliating – having to lean on her like that. Thankfully she didn't comment on his weakness and simply guided him the short distance over to the bed, sitting him down gently.
Obi-Wan used his arms to pull his legs up on the bed, absently rubbing the stump of his left leg.
"Is the prosthetic bothering you?"
His hand stopped its movement. "I'm not sure… today was the first day that I actually walked with it."
"Oh."
She feels bad for not being here.
"I think I just need time," he said quietly.
She hummed and sat down at the foot of the bed. "I… can I ask you something?", she asked shyly.
Obi-Wan furrowed his brows concern. "Of course… you know you can talk to me about everything."
"I know..," her voice was hushed, "It's just that… I've been thinking… about what I want."
He listened intently.
"You won't return to the Order, don't you?"
He had a feeling that he already knew what she was getting at. "No. I won't."
Something shattered inside him as he voiced his loss. The very thing he had fought for most of his life – gone. Now he was… nothing.
"Okay," she breathed, "Then… I guess there is no reason for me to stay there either."
"You want to leave the Order?", he asked for clarification, keeping his voice as steady as possible.
"Yes," came the short answer.
"Ahsoka," Obi-Wan sat up on the bed, "I don't want you to make that decision just on my behalf."
"I realized that there are more important things than becoming a Jedi knight," her voice was strong, "… a family."
His heart was squeezed painfully but his chest was filled with warmth.
"What about Master Plo?", he argued, wanting her to be sure about her decision, "I know that he would take you in without asking… you wouldn't need to spend your life on the run."
"It's not the same…. With Anakin gone…," she choked and let out a sob, "… you're the only person that makes me feel safe."
His throat tightened. He didn't know what to say.
Why me?
I have nothing to offer to her.
"… okay," he forced out, "Just don't forget that no matter which decision you make, I'll support you. Jedi or not."
Obi-Wan heard how she shifted from her spot and a moment later again arms looped around him, her head settling on his shoulder.
"Thank you," she mumbled.
He let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding and gently tugged his head to the side as her head started to press against the collar around his neck. Suppressing a wince, he used on his hands to prod at it, his fingers coming away sticky.
It was bleeding again.
As he cursed silently, Ahsoka whipped her head back. "Did I hurt you?", she asked shocked.
Vehemently he shook his head. "No, no…," he explained, "…This just keeps happening."
The teenager stood up from the bed and shuffled around, before returning to him and pressing a piece of gauze against the wound. "There is no way that this thing can stay on…," she whispered.
"I know."
"We need to ask the Mandalorians for help."
A weight settled on his chest, taking his breath away. "…. I know."
