FFn/AO3 name: StarrAngelofNarnia

House: Ravenclaw (Stand-In)

Class: Ancient Runes (Stand-In)

Category: Standard (Round 6)

Word Count: 1707

Prompt/Prompts: [first line] We've spent too many hours, too many years, too many lives trying to figure out how we fit together and [location] Hogwarts Express (THC); Severus Snape (QL Prompt Bingo)

Warning/Disclaimers: mildly OOC Severus Snape, AU Lily survives and Severus is not a death eater


"We met at the wrong time. That's what I kept telling myself. Maybe one day, years from now, we'll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot." ~ Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind


We've spent too many hours, too many years, too many lives trying to figure out how we fit together. He wanted to forget what Lily had told him in that last fight. How it had broken his heart. But also, how he probably deserved it. He hated James Potter, but he hated himself more for getting so angry at the Gryffindor prat that he hurt Lily.

Having his memories medically erased was the right thing to do. This was more than a simple memory charm; the healer had assured him that the procedure would target specific memories, any that involved Lily. And he'd gotten the idea from Lily herself, whom he had run into at Madame Malkin's. When he realized she had no memory of him, he was crushed. And yet, perhaps that's what he needed too.

As his very last memory with Lily faded, the next one to appear in the front of his mind was the day he called Lily a Mudblood. Everything about that memory was hell. The bullying he'd endured, the bullying he'd turned around and supplied, and how he'd spent all morning cooped up in the Great Hall for a stupid exam. But now, watching the memory replay as he slept, he realized something new. With the immense guilt he felt as he relived the scene, he felt a new feeling: betrayal. Of course, what he said was awful, he would never deny that. And he'd removed the word from his vocabulary ever since. But his best friend, the person he'd spent so much time with over the years, who knew him better than anyone else, had let him go over one moment of weakness. It felt so unfair.

oOoOo

Severus clutched at the envelope in his hand even tighter as he boarded the Hogwarts Express. He never thought he'd be here again, and yet here he was, boarding the train at 10:00am, ensuring that he'd have a spot in private before the students began boarding at 10:30. This early, every cabin would be empty, but he figured it best to find one towards the back of the train. Students would likely begin filing in and filling the front cabins first, hopefully leaving the end of the train relatively empty.

To his surprise, a woman was occupying the very last cabin. His instinct was to avoid contact, to retreat and go to the next one down, but the woman made eye contact before he had the chance. Her eyes were so green, it was startling, and they stood out even more against the fiery red of her hair.

She pulled the cabin door open with her foot. "Well? Are you going to come in or just stand there and gawk?"

Silently, he entered the cabin, closing the door softly behind him and put his trunk in the storage bin above before awkwardly taking a seat across from her.

"I take it you're a new professor as well? Never knew they made the new staff ride in like students until now."

"Potions. I'd rather have the Defense Against the Dark Arts post," he responded, unable to make eye contact.

"Muggle Studies. Though I'd rather have the Defense Against the Dark Arts post as well. I'll fight you for it," she joked. "My name is Lily Potter. And this little imp is my son Harry." Severus had not even noticed the toddler sitting in the corner, intently flipping the pages of a picture book, until the girl had pointed him out.

"I'm Snape. Severus."

oOoOo

The next memory to come to the forefront of his mind was the fight over Avery and Mulciber. Lily had questioned how he could consider either of them to be his friends. But of course, she wouldn't understand. She was popular. And he was anything but. Avery and Mulciber had their moments of being creepy, but he had a lot in common with them. And unlike Lily, they didn't mind being seen around him.

"That was nothing. Just having a laugh," he found himself reassuring the teenage version of Lily.

"It was dark magic," Lily argued back. "And if you think that's funny…"

He cut her off, "And what about Potter and the stuff his mates get up to?"

He honestly didn't see how what Avery and Mulciber got up to was any worse than what Potter and his pack did. All they had done was a simple hex that would make Mary Macdonald's toenails grow freakishly long. And they had messed up the hex, so it hadn't worked anyway. On the other hand, Remus Lupin had almost killed him because of Potter and Black's prank.

He found himself voicing these thoughts aloud. "Ill intentions don't need dark magic. Your werewolf friend almost killed me without it."

Unexpectedly, the Lily of his memory started talking, but it wasn't what had been said in the real argument. "You should have told me, you know that? I found out from Remus months later what had really happened."

Severus was taken aback. The memories were being pulled to the forefront of his mind in reverse order and the first few had played out exactly as they'd happened. But now, his thoughts seemed to be influencing them.

"Would it have made a difference? If I would have told you about the attack? You hadn't cared when I told you I had figured out he was a wolf. I guess once I was sorted into Slytherin, you just couldn't see past what everyone else told you I'd become."

"You put me on a pedestal I didn't deserve to be on." Though it was his own conclusion, it had come through the words of a tampered-with memory of Lily.

"Yeah," he said softly to himself. "I guess I did. But we both made mistakes. It wasn't just me studying dark magic that pulled us apart."

oOoOo

"Severus," the woman repeated. "It's an unusual name, but it almost sounds familiar for some reason."

"You have a son?" he asked, as if he had not heard her. The toddler looked suspiciously like one James Potter.

"Harry. Yes, he's mine. I suppose I had him quite young. But you know, the war was going on, I rushed into marriage with my husband. He was killed. Harry was actually the target, but my husband James sacrificed himself to save both of us. But I'm sorry, I'm sharing too much. I don't know why either," she laughed. "You just feel so familiar."

Severus looked down at the envelope he was still clutching tightly in his hand. She felt familiar to him too, and he had a sneaking suspicion that this envelope of memories had something to do with it.

Lily noticed the parcel. "I got an envelope just like that. From the Department of Mysteries. Yours too?"

He nodded curtly.

"I read the included letter. It said I had undergone treatment for permanent removal of memories of a specific person. Permanent removal, as opposed to just a memory charm, which can be reversed of course." She laughed again. "I guess the project has been shut down due to unethical practices from the team. I'm not sure if I want to review the memories enclosed or not."

"I believe our parcels may be related," he ventured to suggest.

oOoOo

As the memories became older, his past self became younger. And reliving the memories as a young adult with life experience, he began to notice not just his own faults in the friendship, but also Lily's. He supposed he had thought too much of Lily, seeking her companionship to fill the void left by the death of his mother. But Lily had been just as much a child as he, with her own strengths and flaws. Certainly his interest in dark magic and his association with blood purists had pushed her away. But she had pushed him away too, getting easily caught up in the anti-Slytherin propaganda, which made her hesitant to be around him in public.

The sweetest memories of his relationship with Lily came at the very end, when they'd first started school and their childhood before. Catching up in between classes their first two years, their first train ride on the Hogwarts Express, playing outside, and the best memory of all, that time Mrs. Evans had allowed him to stay overnight in the guest bedroom. In that moment, he had known what it felt like to be cared for, to be loved.

He didn't want to lose this memory. It was sweet, simple, and still so full of hope. But he was asleep and he couldn't shake himself awake. Maybe his friendship with Lily had never been perfect or easy, but now that the memories of her were being stripped away from him, he didn't want to lose them. He didn't want to lose her. But as he slept on and the healers continued their work, there was nothing else he could do. It was too late.

oOoOo

Severus could not take his eyes off the little boy. He looked too much like James Potter. This woman-maybe he knew her, maybe not- had been married to his childhood bully. But people could grow up, he thought. He was an example of that himself. He had almost joined the Death Eaters but instead had thrown himself into academics. Surely, Hogwarts wouldn't have hired a Death Eater.

Lily spoke up, finally. "Well, I suppose if we did know each other before, it doesn't matter if neither of us remember. We could start over."

Outside the walls of the train, the noise of students was starting to pick up. He looked out the window for a moment in thought. "And what is it you mean by that?"

"These memories were returned to us as an ethical courtesy. That doesn't mean we have to review them. At least not yet."

"We're colleagues now," he replied, as if that somehow made a difference to what she had proposed.

"So, we'll be figuring out this professorship thing together." She stood from her seat. "Hello. I'm Lily Potter. It's nice to meet you, Severus. I'm looking forward to teaching alongside you this term."

He hesitated but stood as well. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Lily."


Final author's note: This story was inspired by the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind but it's been ages since I've seen it so this just follows the key plot points. But I'm actually thrilled with how it turned out.