Chapter 6: Kili is Hot But Legolas is Hotter
The Fellowship of the Pen was still walking, the Institution of KANON now but a faint, glimmering spot on the western horizon behind them. Hawk maintained the lead, striding forward purposefully and ignoring Merry and Pippin who were singing hobbit walking songs, ignoring Gimli who was singing dwarven walking songs (neither of which would have been bad alone, but it just so happens that hobbit walking songs and dwarven walking songs don't mix well), ignoring Faramir who was having a conversation with Éowyn which largely consisted of complaining about his dad, and ignoring Sauron, who as the official representative of Evil in the Fellowship, had apparently decided it was his civic duty to make negative, snotty comments about anything and everything that anybody and everybody said and did. Hawk kept her face forward determinedly and resisted both her growing headache and her urge to turn around and start braining the characters over their heads with her pack. She wondered vaguely if this was how Gandalf had felt leading the Fellowship of the Ring. If so, Hawk thought morosely, it was no wonder the wizard had thrown himself down a bottomless abyss at the very first opportunity.
Porter trotted at her side, rather like a faithful dog, hitching his pack further up his back every once in a while and occasionally fiddling with his Sue compass. Hawk had also given him charge of their map, as Porter tended to be better with directions than herself.
The map itself had been a gift from Lance. "Technically, this is high security KI property of significant historical value," the president had said, "and as such, I technically shouldn't be giving it to you. And I don't know how much help it will actually be once you arrive in Middle Earth, seeing as how Sue worlds tend to change erratically, but it may be better than nothing. You are going to need all the help you can get once you open the portal, and this is all we have."
It was a map of Middle Earth from the days of Orinthia and Eledhil. In fact, it was assumed to have been created by one of the two famous Sue-Slayers during their own mission to destroy the Pen, since they were the only KI agents to have ever ventured past the borders of the Sue realm. It was done in blue ink on weathered parchment and labeled with neat elven runes that said things like Murkwood – spawning lair of the Common Legolas!Sue (Leggie!Sueus Vulgaris). Beware also of modern-Earth invaders, for here is the largest dropping point of Falling-to-Middle-earth!Sues and The Shirrre – here are Movie!Hobbits which will attack ruthlessly for mushrooms. On the far western side of the map, beside The Sparkling Sea (beware of Mer-elfs) was a tiny drawing of a tower with the label Isinguard – fortress of the Suethor of the Pen.
Both Hawk and Porter had studied the map prior to departure, doing their best to glean any information about the dangers they might meet once in Middle Earth. It was a difficult and unreliable business, since Sues, being fickle creatures, tend to evolve quickly, new species emerging whilst old species all but die out at the whim of popular culture. Yet certain things never truly change, and looking at the map gave the Sue-Slayers at least a fair idea of the horrors their predecessors had encountered and what they themselves might have to fight off to protect the characters under their charge.
Only Legolas was remaining distinctly quiet so far. He was walking towards the middle of the group but seemed detached from the singing, complaining, and/or general chatting with which the rest of the Fellowship were passing the time. Occasionally, he would finger the small pouch at his belt where he had stowed the Pen. Hawk was still a little worried about the elf; once they got into Middle Earth, things would no doubt get nasty at a prodigious rate and she was not looking forward to having to protect the backs of all seven of the characters, who would be rendered virtually defenseless once they crossed the borders into the Sue territory. She also had her doubts about how scathed the quest might leave the elven prince. Frodo might have been facing a host of orcs, a giant spider, and a long climb up a volcano, but Legolas was facing Falling-to-Middle-earth!Sues and the Mer-elfs of the Sparkling Sea (whatever they were). Hawk was pretty confident about which was worse, and she only hoped that by the time Legolas got back, he was still sane enough to play his part in the canon story.
"Are we there yet?"
Pippin's voice came from close behind the Sue-Slayers, who were walking side by side at the head of the column of questers.
Porter took it upon himself to reply, guessing probably that Hawk would have no intention of answering that age-old question that has plagued quest-leaders for millennia (which was an entirely accurate assessment). He turned around, walking backwards and shading his eyes as he glanced at the horizon. "Not too long now, mate," he answered the hobbit, who was next in the column along with Merry. "Just as soon as KANON Institution is out of sight."
"Why does your fortress need to be out of sight?" Merry asked curiously. "Why haven't we left the Hub yet?"
"Probably so they can kill us all quietly in the middle of nowhere, take the Pen, and wield its power for themselves," Sauron muttered from where he was trailing at the end of the line.
Porter ignored the Dark Lord and answered Merry. "Well, you see, we Slayers command the power of opening up portals to any of the canon worlds, but Sue worlds act a little differently. They're like parasites if you will, feeding off the canon worlds rather than drawing their power from their connection to the Hub and the Order of the Worlds. They're just out there, floating around in the void, looking for a canon world to latch onto and begin sucking the life out of," he said, waving his hand vaguely at the clear sky.
"Now, when a Sue world finds a canon host world, there's an overlap, right? A wormhole, portal, whatever you want to call it, by which the Sues can drop into the canon realm." He slid one of his hands over the other so that they overlapped, demonstrating. "During that crucial time, the fabric of the two worlds, canon and Sue, becomes confused and it's possible for anything and anyone to travel back and forth either way. That's what we need to happen in order to get into Middle Earth.
"Now, a Sue would never come anywhere near KI – not even they are that dim. It's difficult enough to get a Sue to open a portal to the Hub anyhow, since they know that doing so would give us Slayers a pathway to their world, and besides there's nothing, or more correctly no one, they want here anyway. That being the case, we have to put as wide a berth between ourselves and KI as we can before we can hope to find a portal."
By now, all the Fellowship members were listening. "Why could we not have gone back to Middle-earth?" Faramir asked. "There are certainly no shortage of portals there."
"Problem is, the moment you all went back into Middle-earth, you would have forgotten everything," Porter replied. "You would have been back in your canon storyline, with no memory of anything past your immediate period of entry and certainly no memory of the meeting and the Pen, which might have caused some issues with this whole quest thing, especially the getting along part."
Here, a number of glares were directed at Sauron, who huffily pretended not to notice.
Legolas had been listening intently, but now the elf spoke up. "Correct me if I am wrong, but you said that Sues do not normally come to the Hub. How exactly do you plan on getting a Sue to open a portal from their realm to this one?"
"Don't worry, we've got everything figured out," Hawk said stiffly, without turning.
Legolas glanced at Hawk then back at Porter. He swallowed. "I'm the bait, aren't I?"
Porter considered this statement for a moment then nodded. "Well, yeah, that's pretty much the plan. It'll be OK though, mate, we promise. We've got everything thought out, and it'll be completely under control. All we have to do is get a Sue interested enough to open up a portal and the moment the fabrics of her world and ours are closely enough meshed for us to make it through, we all Jump in and come out in Middle Earth. It'll be easy."
Legolas swallowed again. "I am sure the fishhook doesn't mind the experience of fishing. But I suspect the worm feels a little differently about the matter."
Faramir patted the elf on the shoulder. "We all have faith in you, friend elf. You can do it."
Legolas nodded, though he was still looking a little nervous. "How soon will we need to lure in the Sue?"
Hawk had stopped and was looking back at their path. Behind them, the horizon was now smooth as far as the eye could see. "Right here should do it," she said with no preamble.
Legolas gulped.
Within moments, they had everything ready. Hawk and Porter pulled something out of their packs that initially looked like very fine mesh veils made of some metallic substance that shimmered illusively in the ever-present glow of the Hub's sky and which let off a faint smell reminiscent of lavender. Porter explained that these were Sue blinds, which KI agents used to camouflage themselves and their distinct OC aura from Sues. They were woven from EBG (Essence of Bad Grammar), a mineral which could be found easily in most Sue worlds, and daubed with diluted Typo-mine (another easily-acquired substance which could be collected from Sue tears, if one knew the proper procedures). The end result was that the blinds allowed Sue-Slayers to blend into a Sue's surroundings, effectively masking their presence, which otherwise drove away all but the most bold (or most stupid, though it was often difficult to tell which was the case) of the Sues. With a hint of hope and an expression that showed how quickly he suspected that hope would be dashed, Legolas asked whether the Sue blinds could be used to mask the presence of characters too, but unsurprisingly, the Sue-Slayers shook their heads.
"I'm afraid not," Hawk said. "They were created to conceal the agents of KI, not characters. Your aura is much stronger than ours and it would take a lot more than a little bad grammar to disguise you from a Sue."
Legolas sighed, not looking at all surprised by this revelation.
"What about us?" Éowyn asked. "If you are going to hide in the Sue blinds, what are the rest of us going to be doing while we wait for the portal to open?" Her grey eyes gleamed a little. "Do we kill the Sue when she appears?"
"Our goal is to attract a Legolas!Sue," Porter answered. "Chances are as soon as she sets her eyes on Prince Charming here, she won't even notice that the rest of you exist. That's generally the way it works."
While he was talking, Porter had been draping his Sue blind over his head. Hawk did the same thing. Sauron snickered rudely and muttered something under his breath that contained the words ridiculous and idiotic. It was true that the effect was a little odd. The two Sue-Slayers were still completely visible to the characters, though they didn't look quite as substantial as before. They looked in fact a little bit like one appears when viewed through water. But for the most part, it looked like they were standing there in plain view in the middle of the Hub with sparkly nets draped over their heads.
"That is the stupidest thing I've ever seen," Sauron scoffed. "At least I can make things that actually work at turning you invisible. Thatt iz conpletly-" The Dark Lord broke off whatever he was attempting to say, clapping a hand over his mouth and looking mortified by the spelling errors that had just spilled out of his mouth.
Éowyn snickered at him.
"Oh, that's just the Typo-mine doing its work," Porter said from underneath his Sue blind. "Back off several feet and it won't affect you anymore."
"In fact, all of you should probably get back behind us," Hawk said as she worked on fitting one of her quarrels into her crossbow. "I doubt the Sue will take any notice of you, but it's best if you don't get in the way. It's time we get that portal opened up."
As the six other characters retreated, Legolas looked at the two Slayers, a slightly panicked gleam in his bright elven eyes. "What am I going to do when she gets here, when- when I start to change? What if she Sueifies me? What if the portal doesn't open up right away? What if we're not able to all get in-"
Porter gave the elf a thumbs-up. "Don't worry. We'll be right here to protect you if things get nasty. And it shouldn't take all that long before her portal is attached firmly enough to the Hub for all of us to Jump through. Just act normal and do your stuff."
"And you're encouraging her, remember," Hawk added. "We want her to create a stable connection between the Hub and Middle Earth as quickly as possible. The more confident she is that you love her and want to spend the rest of eternity with her, the more eager she'll be to establish herself here."
Legolas nodded, a quick, jerky movement that lacked his usual cat-like grace. He stared out over the Hub plain, shifted a little on his feet, and scratched the back of his neck. He looked back at the Sue-Slayers. "I don't see any Sues," he said in a distinctly flat voice.
Hawk rolled her eyes and let the tip of her crossbow dip down to the ground in a small movement of exasperation, but Porter gave her a little glare and turned to Legolas. "I know you don't have to do anything back in Middle-earth to catch the attention of the Sues," he told the elf, "but this is the Hub. You're going to have to work a little at it here. Not too much, I would expect – you are Legolas, after all – but you're going to have to encourage your Sue to open the portal a little more directly than you'd have to do in Middle-earth."
Legolas swallowed. "How do I do that?"
"Encourage her. Sues like angst, men with family problems, someone they can cuddle and hug and feel like they're imparting desperately needed comfort to. You're single, so play it up. Oooh, I wish I could be with the woman of my dreams… You know."
Legolas looked self-righteously indignant. "I do not dream about women."
"Doesn't matter whether you actually do. It only matters if you say you do. They don't care what you're thinking; they'd probably be shocked to learn you have that much depth. All they care about is that you're attractive and that you sound appropriately angsty and desperate for female company."
"Well, all right…" Legolas turned away from the semi-concealed Slayers, looking out over the plain again. He cleared his throat. Once. Twice.
Hawk coughed impatiently.
"Oh, I wish I had a beautiful wife who would go hunting with me and go on patrol with me and who would talk to me when I'm on guard duty," Legolas said hurriedly in the same flat voice he'd used to comment on the lack of Sues in the area.
"Dear Valar in Aman, we're going to be here forever," Hawk was heard to mutter from underneath her blind.
As Legolas fell awkwardly silent again, Porter coughed faintly and then gave the elf an encouraging smile. "Good start, but give it some heart, Legolas. Angst! There's no such thing as too melodramatic for a Sue." He put the back of his hand to his forehead, tipping his head back slightly. "Oh, woe is me! and all that, mate. Come on, give it a try."
Legolas's fair face was sporting a fine blush by this time, but he took a moment to pull himself together and then let out a sound half-way between a sob and a love-sick sigh. "Ooooh, I'm so lonely. My father won't let me show any affection towards any of the elleths in Mirkwood because he says it is not proper for a prince of my station. Tomorrow, he's going to make me marry some high-born elleth from Rivendell who I met once when I was a child. She made fun of me then because I was just a Wood elf and she was a Rivendell elf. Oh, I don't want to marry her."
He looked sideways at Porter and Hawk, who both gave him nods and beckoned him to continue.
Legolas put the back of his hand to his forehead, imitating Porter from a few moments before. "Oh, woe is me! I suppose I will never see the woman of my dreams in real life now. Yet she is so beautiful I could never imagine loving anyone else. But I suppose she's just a dream and I will never get to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her."
Overhead, a patch of the sky had turned a brilliant azure, startlingly pure and radiant. A smell wafted across the plains, a smell like roses and carnations and lilacs all mingled together. The air had been still before, but now a slight breeze picked up, tossing Legolas's dark hair. Several butterflies appeared out of nowhere and began to flap lazily about the elf's feet.
"It's working! Keep it up," Porter hissed in excited encouragement from his hiding place.
Now that he was getting into the role, Legolas seemed to relax slightly. He let out another heart-wrenching sigh that would have melted the heart of any Mary Sue on the spot. "Oh, if only Elbereth would look kindly upon me and send me someone to deliver me from this fate. Ever since my mother died, my father has scorned love; he thinks I will be happier if I marry simply for convenience, for then I will never feel the sharp sting of love. But he does not know that I have already felt it. I feel it every day, every waking minute, every moment of my sleep. I shall love that beautiful woman of my dreams for the rest of my life, and every moment of that life shall be agony without her. Oh my love, why won't you come to me and save me from this fate? Come to me, my darling one!"
The flower smell had grown steadily stronger, until it was a nearly overpowering stench of perfume. The patch of unbelievably bright azure in the sky had grown wider, spreading its tendrils outward like seeking fingers. Several nightingales had joined the butterflies, whistling melancholy, heart-tugging songs in voices that almost seemed human.
Suddenly, the air in front of Legolas seemed to tremble and dance, like ripples spreading out over water. The plains behind the disturbed patch of air flickered, and, like a mirage, it seemed as if something else was there, something that could not possibly be there for real, there where nothing but open plains had been a moment before. Everything around the mirage seemed to Bend. The fabric of reality in the Hub stretched: melding, swirling, entwining with the parasitic world that was latching itself on…
And there she was. No one who was watching could have said exactly where she appeared from, only that one moment she was not there and the next, she was.
There was no doubt whatsoever as to her nature. Her shiny auburn hair was pulled up into a stylishly messy cross between a bun and a ponytail and she had large, upturned hazel eyes and a delicate, upturned feminine nose. She was wearing make-up (though, most likely, her skin was all but flawless underneath anyway) with cat's eye mascara, pale blue eyeshadow, and full red lips. Her clothing was distinctly modern: an orange halter top (which didn't quite match her blue eyeshadow and identical blue fingernail polish) and tight, denim short-shorts, which made Legolas want to look away modestly. She had a perfect hour-glass body, not too skinny and not too full, and the several inch gap between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her shorts revealed a flat belly with a faux diamond piercing. Her left wrist sported a chintzy charm bracelet, with the letters LEGGIE dangling from it, accompanied by a pink heart with an arrow through it.
The Mary Sue looked around as if orienting herself after her sudden fall into this strange new world, but then her eyes fell on Legolas, who had automatically stepped back several paces. Her eyes went wide and she opened her mouth into a perfect little O of comprehension and diabolical glee. Hawk and Porter covered their ears, aware of what would happen next.
The Sue let out a squee that could have flattened trees and shattered glass, had there been any trees or glass within squeeing distance (which, incidentally, can be calculated by adding the lung capacity of the Sue with the number of months the Suethor has been infatuated with the particular character in question and multiplying the resulting number by nine).
Legolas staggered, overcome momentarily by the sheer force of the squee, and by the time he had recovered, the Sue had already begun to gush. "OMG! I can't believe this is happening to me! I've read stories like this! I mean, I was, like, just sitting in Social Studies just a sec ago and then there was this weird whirlwind thing and then I was just HERE! And OMG, you're LEGOLAS, aren't you?! And that means this is Middle-earth! OMG, this is sooooo exciting! I mean, you're really, like, really Legolas! Can you really just, like, skate down stairs on your shield and shoot arrows at people?! Oh, or has that happened yet?! That's, like, Helm's Deep, right?! Am I in The Fellowship of the Ring, or The Two Towers, or The Return of the King?! I totally wanna come along and help you! I mean, I, like, joined the fencing club and the archery club at my school last year so I totally know how to fight! I mean, I won't be like a Tenth Walker or anything, 'cause everyone knows those are lame, but I can totally help you on the quest 'cause I know what's going to happen and you need me for that and I can help!"
The blood had all but drained out of Legolas's face and he cast a panicked look in Hawk and Porter's direction before seeming to remember that they weren't supposed to be there. He also seemed to remember that he was supposed to be encouraging the Sue, though at the moment, it didn't look like she needed any more encouragement to continue her verbal rampage.
"Umm, yes, yes, I am Legolas," Legolas said, sounding more confident (he hoped) than he felt. "This is actually the Plains of Rohan and I am chasing the Uruk-hai who have captured my hobbit friends."
"OMG! So this is, like, the beginning of The Two Towers, right?! OMG, is Aragorn here then too, 'cause he's kinda hot too?! No way like you, but traveling with you and Gornie would be, like, the AWESOMEST thing ever! Can I come with you?!"
"Uh, sure," Legolas said, giving the Sue the best smile he could muster.
This didn't seem to be a particularly picky Sue, for the smile, as pathetic as it admittedly was, set her to swooning. "OMG, you are just as hot as I always imagined you! You don't have a girlfriend or anything, right?! 'Cause she never gets mentioned or anything?! That means you're available, right?! 'Cause they would have mentioned if you had a girlfriend or something, right?!"
Legolas inclined his head slightly in what could pass as a polite nod, though in reality he was trying to hide his blanched expression and simultaneously inspect how far the blonde had crept up his hair. It had reached his shoulder blades by now. Fighting to maintain his composure, he answered her as suavely as he could manage. "No, I have no lady love for the time being, though I would be happy to share my life with someone who truly loves me and understands me for who I am."
There was another squee of epic proportions that left Legolas's keen elf ears ringing. "I always thought you'd be like that! I mean, I talk about you all the time with my friends! I totally understand you! I've even dreamed about you! I had a dream the other night where you took me up into one of your elf tree house things and we KISSED! Do you think that could have been, like, destiny or something?! 'Cause I know elves know a lot more about destiny and stuff than, like, humans and stuff! I mean, I don't want to rush things between us! I'd never want to rush you! But if it's, you know, destiny for us to be together, maybe we should travel together and see how things turn out! I mean, there's no way you can spend your whole life, like, single! I can be a really awesome girlfriend! I mean, Aiden – he was my boyfriend last year – he said I was a really good girlfriend and I kiss really well! Oh, but I don't date him anymore, 'cause he starting making out with this other girl at my school called Samantha, so I don't talk to him anymore! And I was soooo upset that I said I wouldn't date any more guys after that, but you're, like, you're an elf and this is Middle-earth so this is different! I have to warn you that I have trust issues now, 'cause of what happened with Aiden! I mean, I don't want to, like, rush either of us! But you've got trust issues with girls, too, right?! Are you still, like, depressed and everything! 'Cause I'm sure I can help with that! If you're still depressed over what happened with Tauriel and everything!"
"Oh dear Eru, no," Hawk muttered from underneath her blind.
Legolas frowned, so utterly bemused by the flash flood of words at this point that he was struggling just to form cohesive sentences. "I- I'm not sure what- Tauriel? I'm afraid I don't follow you?"
"You know, like, Tauriel, from The Hobbit! You know, with Bilbo and Thorin and Thranduil and everything! That's already happened, right, because this is The Lord of the Rings and that happens after The Hobbit?! I mean, are you still, like, depressed because you liked Tauriel and she ditched you?! You were depressed, weren't you?! I mean, how could you not be?! I mean, it's super obvious you were into her, and then she, like, ditched you for a dwarf, right?! That's gotta sting! But I won't do that to you! I can help you mend the hurt, 'cause love shouldn't be depressing like that?! Just because Tauriel wasn't into you doesn't mean you can't still find love with someone else!"
"What…what are you talking about?" Legolas spluttered. "Ditched me for a dwarf?" Forgetting that he wasn't supposed to be acknowledging the Sue-Slayers, he swung around to face Porter, a look of utter confusion stamped across his face. "What is she talking about? Are we even talking about the same universe?"
"No, actually, I don't think you are," Porter whispered back. "I believe she's referring to movieverse."
"What is that? Some type of Sue poetry?"
"If only…" Porter muttered.
Either the Sue did not notice Legolas talking to a disembodied voice or she thought that disembodied voices were completely normal, for she did not seem bothered by Legolas's interaction with the concealed Sue-Slayer. She continued to babble on blissfully, about Tauriel, about her ex-boyfriend Aiden, about how Kili was hot but how Legolas was still totally hotter, apparently about anything that happened to enter the empty space between her ears…
And in the meantime, the portal behind her was growing larger. Through it, Hawk and Porter could see the mirage effect of another realm becoming clearer and more defined. The substance of the Hub around the portal continued to stretch thinner and thinner, becoming translucent as the Sue world sucked energy from it. Beyond, Hawk saw mountains, sparkling rivers, and huge forests of tall straight trees with sunlight dancing on their leaves. She could feel the Bend growing stronger and stronger, as the parasitic portal tugged at the essence of the Hub. In just a few more minutes, something would Break and-
"NOW!" Hawk roared at the top of her lungs.
The Sue actually paused, startled by the sudden loud sound emanating from the empty space directly to Legolas's right. She opened her mouth, but whatever exclamation-riddled comment had been about to spew out never had the chance to do so. Hawk and Porter flung back their Sue blinds, raising their crossbows simultaneously. There was the wooden thunk of the triggers as both Slayers fired the weapons, sending the liquid logic darts thudding straight into the Falling-to-Middle-earth!Sue's heart.
The Sue staggered backwards, tripping inelegantly over her own high-heeled sandals, and clutched desperately at Legolas for balance. But Legolas was no longer there. The moment Hawk shouted, the elf had leapt straight at the shimmering portal suspended in the Hub air. The other six characters dashed forward, bowling the Sue even further over, and one-by-one, they too vanished into the portal with a hissing sound like two pieces of silk rubbing together. The Bend grew stronger and the portal began to contract, producing a high-pitched whine as it started to collapse under its own immense energy. Only seconds remained…
The Sue was trying to rise when a third bolt hit her in the shoulder, knocking her completely backwards onto her shapely rear end. Hawk and Porter did not wait to see if that bolt had been enough to kill her. Taking advantage of the Sue's disorientation as the liquid logic surged through her system, Hawk and Porter both hurled themselves at the portal just as it cracked and shattered behind them.
Hawk felt a sensation like plummeting down an enclosed water chute, the hissing of the portal reverberating in her ears and the pressure of the wormhole energy making her vision dance with colors like the northern lights. For a few heart-racing seconds, the world dissolved around her, leaving her with nothing but the nauseating feeling of free fall as the darkness of the void between the worlds wheeled around her.
Then, just as suddenly, there was a loud snap and Hawk tumbled out onto the soft green grass of Middle Earth.
