Character List In Order of Appearance:
1. Rafael Waithe
2. Lizzie Saltzman
3. Josie Saltzman
4. Jedidiah "Jed" Tien
5. Jen (OFC)
6. Ken (OMC)
7. Alaric Saltzman
8. Caroline Forbes
9. Emma Tig
10. Hope Mikaelson
11. Alyssa Chang
12. Penelope Park
13. Cassie
14. Kaleb Hawkins
15. Milton "MG" Greasley
16. Bonnie Bennett
17. Wade
18. Nimue
Salvatore Boarding School Gym
Rafael's Diary Entry
A month and a half; that was exactly how long - how short - it took for me to sleep with another girl after killing the love of my life Cassie. As I laid next to 'another girl' - Elizabeth "Lizzie" Saltzman - catching my breath, the guilt and self-loathing that I have felt since that fateful evening came back and increased exponentially.
Firstly, I killed Cassie. No matter what everyone said, no matter what Cassie's mother, Landon and the investigation said, I killed her, because I couldn't control my anger and jealousy; and I didn't listen to her about how I drove and I ended up causing the car accident that took her life but spared my unnatural one.
Secondly, I betrayed Cassie by reciprocating Josette "Josie" Saltzman's kiss, and then again by sleeping with Josie's fraternal twin sister Lizzie after I failed to protect Landon and keep him at the school.
How could I go on living when I killed Cassie? How could I send off Landon on his own in the morning when he is my brother in all but blood and he stood by me in my darkest of days, which haven't passed and only seem to be getting darker and darker?
Hope Mikaelson didn't get it. Josie didn't get it. Kaleb, or whatever his vampire name was, didn't get it. Landon was my brother, my best and only friend. He was the reason I didn't commit suicide when I woke up in that hospital bed and found out Cassie died. Landon and I were the only people we had, and they voted to send him away, to separate us.
How could I have sex with Lizzie? How could I not?
I didn't deserve to be alive. I didn't deserve Landon in my life. But I was alive and Landon was in my life and Hope, Josie and Kaleb decided to take him away from me. I wanted to hurt them for that. Them and Jed.
I didn't plan to sleep with Lizzie. It never crossed my mind that I could use her to hurt Josie.
Lizzie came on to me, and I couldn't resist, I didn't even try because I needed to blow off some steam before I ripped off someone's head, preferably Hope's, Josie's and/or Kaleb's head, and when she proposed that I not think about it, I couldn't help but give in because I didn't want to think, that was why I came to the gym in the first place, and think, I did not.
There wasn't anything romantic about it, the sex, it was just raw lust and raw need and raw desperation with zero thoughts and one hundred percent action. It was mind blowing and body rocking, it was freeing, but now that it was over and my anger was subdued for the time being, the guilt and self-loathing were back with vengeance because I was pretty sure that I took advantage of Lizzie.
She was vulnerable when I found her, genuine teary eyes vulnerable, and she called herself the worst person in the world. Not only did I kill the love of my life and fail my best friend, my brother, I also took advantage of a vulnerable girl I just met.
If anyone was the worst person in the world between Lizzie and me, it was definitely me, and I needed her to know that, it was the least I could do, other than apologizing, something that seemed wrong to do right now. 'Sorry I just had sex with you' sounded terrible, especially while still naked, so -
"About what you said earlier, you're not the nicest person in the world," I told her with a whisper, although I wasn't looking at her. "But you're not the worst person in the world either."
"How would you know?" Asked Lizzie after a Moment, her voice small, quiet, vulnerable. "You don't really know me."
"You're right, I don't know you," I concurred. "But I know that you needed a friend when I found you in here, not someone to take advantage of you when you were vulnerable and didn't want to be alone."
"You can take advantage of me anytime you want," she replied with what I was coming to identify as that inside voice of hers that she seemed unable to keep internal.
A part of me wanted assurance that I didn't take advantage of her, but with her response, my guilt and self-loathing upgraded once again tonight. She confirmed that I was a horrible person, the worst person in the world, a fact that I already knew.
Not for the first time, I wondered why I was still alive. I truly didn't deserve to be alive. I didn't deserve to survive the car crash that I caused, Cassie did. She deserved to live. Cassie deserved way better than me, probably why I was jealous and thought that she was flirting with the guy who beat me and I started a fatal argument with her. I knew she deserved better.
I wished Cassie's mother blamed me for Cassie's death, but she didn't, and that ate me up from the inside even more. Why was it so hard for her and Landon and the investigators of the car crash to understand that I killed the love of my life? Why didn't they listen to me when I told them that?
They blamed my admission and confession on survivor guilt and my latest and longest foster parents Hector and Maria Gonzales were all too happy to send me to church and church counseling sessions after my many visits to Cassie's grave and the road she died on after Landon kept finding me
I really scared them when I threw the big lawnmower through the door and exorcism was their next step, a step that almost ended with me ripping them apart. I was glad I didn't end up killing them. Beside them trying to convert me and 'exorcise' my demons, they were better foster parents than the others and they didn't deserve me killing them.
Speaking of -
"You don't deserve to be taken advantage of, Lizzie," I responded firmly, turning my head to face her and found her looking at me with a cringe, appearing to realize that she thought out loud again. "Least of all by me."
"You didn't take advantage of me," she said, sounding genuine, and then she explained. "I meant that I wouldn't mind if you do. I really needed this, and I kind of took advantage of you to get it, not the other way around."
"Why does it feel like I took advantage of you, then?" I asked.
"Because you're a good person," Lizzie replied with a soft smile, looking at me, but the smile turned upside down with her next words while her eyes focused on her fingers, sadness and pain clear in them. "Unlike me. I'm just a black hole of time, and energy, and love, just sucking it all up and never giving any of it back."
The moonlight coming from the windows reflected on silent tears Lizzie shed. Experience told me that the words she said about being a black hole were not her own, she was repeating them.
"I'm just a burden," she continued with a small voice on the edge of a sob. "A broken useless witch without magic of her own, possibly one of the reasons my Dad prefers Hope over me, and Josie, his own daughters. (She looked at me with teary eyes and asked...)
"Did you know that my Dad has regular private training sessions with Hope? He spends more time with her than with me and Josie combined. He hates Hope's father, even though he's dead, but it's like he wishes he was him, 'the Great Evil' himself."
"The Great Evil?" I asked, a little curious, but it wasn't hard for me to believe Lizzie, I had been wondering why her father came with Hope, a student, to Atlanta, and how they found out about me and where I was.
There was also the issue of who would pay my school fees if I stayed at the school, definitely not me, probably not Hector and Maria, unless they were made to forget me turning into a wolf, hence I was going to leave with Landon again after the party, for good this time. I didn't have a reason to stay here without Landon.
"Apparently, Hope's father was the worst person in history," Lizzie explained. "There's a whole module titled 'Klaus Mikaelson: the Great Evil', it's about him."
I planned to read it before leaving the school. It and every material the school has about werewolves, but for now, I had to know about Josie and Lizzie's lack of their own magic.
"What about you and Josie?" I inquired, fully turning on my side to face. "How are you different from the other witches?"
"I don't really know much about that," she answered with a small shrug. "Just that our biological mother came from a coven with a history of witches without their own magic, but they had the ability to siphon magic from objects with magic, and the supernatural too. It's annoying, but it also makes me feel normal sometimes."
Normal, what I would give to be normal, bring back Cassie and have a home and know who my parents were, or at the very least find out my birth date.
"The best of both worlds," I commented, because she had the best of both worlds.
If she wanted, she could live as a human, I couldn't. According to the werewolf mythology books I read while looking for a way to get Jed to vote for Landon to stay, werewolves were cursed forever once they killed someone.
I didn't really have a problem with the curse, it served as my punishment for killing Cassie and I welcomed it, but I wished I didn't have anger issues because anger was the driving force behind my reckless driving and the argument I picked up with Cassie, which ended up being our last conversation and I regretted that.
"The best of both worlds would have been me winning the election and leading the witches," Lizzie said, clearly disappointed, but at least she wasn't crying anymore, though she reached for my hand and I let her hold. "With your physical strength and my magical strength, we could have been the perfect power couple."
I tensed at those words, and she noticed judging by her own tensing and the dejection that took over her features.
"Or not," she rectified, letting go of my hand.
"I killed the love of my life, Lizzie," I tried to explain, sitting up. "Dating is the furthest thing from my mind and priorities. Sure, I kissed Josie, but I..."
"You did what?!" Lizzie exclaimed with no shortage of fury, and was that betrayal?, sitting up too and staring at me with the tensest of look in her eyes.
The hairs on my body fully erected and my instincts warned me of a threat, sensing a sudden shift in the air that was preceded by the gym lights flickering and wind picking up. I considered defending myself, but I let the thought go. It wasn't worth it. I wasn't worth it.
"I kissed your sister, and then had sex with you," I said bluntly, standing up and she followed suit. "I'm hot, I'm angry and I'm damaged. What did you expect from a guy like me?! Sunshine and rainbows? I'm a killer, Lizzie! I killed the person that holds my heart! She was everything to me, and I killed her and had sex with you less than two months later.
"I am not a good person, but Landon is, and your friends and your sister decided to send him away like the unwanted foster kid we have been. If anyone deserves a home, it's him, not me."
'Definitely not me,' I thought, catching my breath.
"Look, I get it," I continued, and I did get it. "You're mad at me, and I understand why. But don't worry. If you still want me as your date for whatever reason, I'll keep my word, but I'll be out of here immediately afterwards with Landon. I have nothing here without Landon."
"What about the pack?" Lizzie surprised me with the question, and I realized that the lights were out and the atmosphere was back to normal, she was calm. A big part of me was very disappointed by that because it wanted her to lash out and hurt me. "You're the Alpha now."
