Chapter 34
Minato's head hurt, and as usual, it was all Hamuko's fault. But for once it wasn't funny.
He sat cross-legged on one side of his bed, across from his sister, who was currently mirroring his pose. In between them was his phone, the only reliable way he had to even try to reach his sister in recent days. And yet, even though she was right next to him now, he couldn't help but feel that she was no closer.
His phone was open, still showing her most recent text message ("I'm coming in."), displayed after all of his texts ("Hey. Can we talk?" "Hey Hamu, you got a second?" "Hamu, please answer"). But while he was staring at her intensely, frowning slightly as he tried to scrape together answers to his many questions from her posture alone, she was staring down at her clasped hands, body as stiff and motionless as a forgotten, lonely doll at a toy shop.
And what questions did Minato have?
Well, to start with:
Are you ok?
How are you feeling?
What's been going on in your head?
Are you ok?
Do you need any help?
Can I do anything to help?
Seriously, are you ok?
Despite the flood of questions that Minato desperately wanted to fire at Hamuko with a high-pressure hose, he kept his mouth shut. Only the slight twitching of his fingers betrayed his underlying, buried emotions, raging against their cage.
Thank god for my years of experience with shutting up.
After all, he knew his sister. And they had a system for this.
So he waited. He waited and counted in his head, seconds ticking by slowly. After a short while (thirteen seconds to be exact), he glanced over to the wall and stared at a very interesting patch of paint, incredibly similar to the rest of the wall. Changing his focus didn't seem to invoke any change in Hamuko, but he stayed the course regardless.
They stayed in their positions for a few minutes. Then, just before the five minute mark, Minato opened his mouth-
"Five minutes. I know, Mina."
Minato looked back to Hamuko. A wry smile played on her lips, though her eyes were still downcast, looking at her lap. Upon a closer inspection (which he found himself better able to do now that he wasn't counting seconds or staring at that lovely patch of paint on the wall), he noticed that Hamuko's back was hunched. The only thing stopping her from flopping all the way over was her physical backbone, straining to support her like a weak, willowy tree, liable to break at any moment.
Clenching his teeth, Minato redoubled his efforts to shut the hell up.
As Minato silently waged war with his thoughts, Hamuko seemed to be gearing up for battle. Her expression was now drawn together after her wry smile vanished into thin air, and she opened her mouth, then closed it. She glanced up at Minato, making brief eye contact, before glancing down at his shoulder, her face stoic as stone.
"...I promised Fuuka-chan that I'd talk to you," she said at last.
"...I see," Minato said, not seeing.
"Yeah," Hamuko replied, glancing directly at her brother for a moment before her gaze darted back down to his shoulder. "I saw her at the gym." She paused, trying to gather her words. "It… wasn't something I intended to happen. But she wouldn't leave me alone. She said she owed you."
Normally, Minato would expect Hamuko to glance at him haughtily and say, "So, really, this is your fault!" and dramatically pose for effect. He was unsurprised to see no such dramatic flairs from the current Hamuko - in fact, he could barely see any movement from her, as if a set of great chains bound and bowed her with their weight.
"...I don't even know what I'm supposed to say," Hamuko said, squeezing a short, forced laugh out of her mouth. "I'm just doing what I told her."
Minato swallowed, and he curled his toes on the bed.
This wasn't Hamuko. This was practically anti-Hamuko.
No jokes, no emotions, no communication, no… anything. Gone were the teasing smirks, forgotten were the absurd pouts, and Hamuko's over-dramatic growl had last been seen over a week ago. Her snark had been absent for so long that Minato was considering filing a missing persons report for it.
Minato was so out of his depth here. It was only now, in their hour of need, that he realized just how much he relied on Hamuko telling him things, on her being open, and friendly, and so outgoing that he didn't even need to think about how to start a conversation. Only now, when he needed to get her to say something, did he realize that he had no idea how.
Minato slowly reached up to scratch his nose while his mind went into overdrive. Batting away the sudden realization of you don't know how to start a conversation with your sister?!, he cycled through several things to say, discarding them all immediately.
"I… don't really know what to say, either," he said, stalling for time as he frantically flung open the dusty cupboards of his mind, searching for anything at all to say.
"Well then," Hamuko said. "What a pair we make."
Something about the way that she spoke cut through the scattered clutter of Minato's thoughts. Instead of filtering through what he should say, he thought back to what was already said.
"...You didn't want to talk to me," he said, the words striking through him hard… although he couldn't say he was surprised to hear it, given her recent actions.
Hamuko minutely flinched.
"You- It's not like you did something wrong, Mina." She shook her head. "If… if anything, it's more like I did something wrong."
"You did nothing wro-"
"Mina, no."
Hamuko's sharp, frustrated tone immediately shut Minato up again. Although he tried not to, he was fairly confident that his eyes were open just a little wider than normal.
But Hamuko didn't seem to notice.
"You know I did something wrong. If I had done everything right, then Yukari-chan wouldn't be paralyzed, would she? Then Junpei-kun wouldn't have had to go to the hospital."
"...It's not that simple."
"It is."
Hamuko glared at Minato - truly glared at him, with no hint of compassion, or concern, or anything else - and the sight was so utterly foreign that Minato felt himself have an out-of-body experience.
"It is absolutely that simple. I wasn't strong, smart, or experienced enough to lead properly. And that meant my team - my friends - got hurt." Clenching her fists, Hamuko plowed onwards. "There's nothing you can say to make me think otherwise. I just want to do the right things from here on out, so I never let anyone else down. And you… you always know the right thing to do with S.E.E.S. I need… I need to be more like you. Not like me."
Trying not to show the pangs he felt in his heart, Minato slowly nodded, wiping his face blank and leaning back a bit. "So, you didn't want to talk because I'd tell you it wasn't your fault. You thought I'd convince you to not do the right things - to keep acting like yourself."
Hesitating for a moment, Hamuko sighed. "You'll… tell me it wasn't my fault. You'll convince me that I'm fine the way I was before. I'll get complacent, and I'll forget what I need to do. And before we know it, someone else will get hurt… or worse."
Hamuko drew a shaky breath, and Minato slowly dipped his head down, closing his eyes.
As Hamuko's brother, Minato was horrified at her words. His heart was racing, and he wouldn't be surprised if his face was flushed. She was absolutely right: he wanted nothing more than to tell her "it's alright," to tell her "you're alright," and to just wrap her in a tight, tight hug and never let go. Or, conversely, take Hamuko, flip her upside down, and shake her until all the bad thoughts had been flung from her head.
Sadly, neither of those would solve the ultimate issue. Now that he'd heard her side, he knew that Hamuko didn't need her brother right now. She needed a mentor.
Minato looked up with new eyes at Hamuko.
Still staring at him, Hamuko appeared disheveled. Sure, her clothes were slightly more rumpled than usual, and her hair pins were skewed at an odd angle, but more noticeable than that was her body and her body language. As he'd noted before, her back posture was non-existent. Her shoulders were hunched. The bags under her eyes were so egregious that even a racoon would've done a double-take. Minato could tell that Hamuko was wearing herself ragged with her new schedule combined with her dark thoughts. She couldn't keep going much longer if she continued acting like this - no one could.
However, Hamuko needed to make the changes to her own life. Minato couldn't do it for her, as much as he wanted to. The only thing he could do is talk.
Dread pooled in Minato's stomach, but iron resolve strengthened him. The words he needed to speak were barbed, even before they left his lips, but he knew - at least, he hoped - that they were the correct ones. The ones she needed to hear.
Minato took a deep breath, and spoke.
"...It was your fault."
Hamuko flinched sharply, Minato's terrible words shredding the last of her composure.
"It… wh-what…?"
Despite the fact that she had said so herself mere moments earlier, there was so much heartbreak in her voice that Minato nearly reversed his course. The words no no just kidding, sorry, that was just an awful joke were on his lips, and he had to stop himself from dive-tackling his sister into the biggest hug she had ever received.
But Hamuko needed the truth.
"It was your fault," he repeated, watching with a blank face and an aching heart as Hamuko mentally and physically reeled backwards, his stinging words sinking in. "And it was mine."
Hamuko leaned forwards. "No, Mina-"
"And it was Mitsuru-senpai's. And Akihiko-senpai's."
"Mina, it was not their-"
"And Junpei-kun's. And, perhaps most of all, Yukari-"
"Don't you dare finish that sentence, Arisato Minato!"
Hamuko, invoking Minato's full name, did silence him. The wrath of god was spread across her face, mounting anger painted on her expression in broad strokes, with incredulity filling in the blanks. "You will not lay the blame for this on Yukari-chan. In absolutely no way was it her fault."
"Why?"
"Because it was me who put her in the situation that forced her to make that choice!"
"Did you tell her to do that?"
"No, of course not, I would never-"
"So then why is it your fault and not hers?"
"I- Because- Because I'm responsible for them all!"
Hamuko was breathing hard as she snarled that last admission, face screwed up in rage. Minato let her comment linger.
"I'm… I'm responsible for everyone." Getting her breathing under control, Hamuko glanced down at the covers on the bed. "That's... what it means to be their leader."
Minato took a deep breath as Hamuko slowly calmed. "...Why are you taking responsibility for something that Yukari did that you specifically didn't want her to do?"
Hamuko shot Minato a flat look. "I put her in that position, Mina."
Minato paused. "So her successes are your doing too, right?"
Hamuko opened her mouth to respond, but hesitated as the words sunk in. Uncertainty flickered over her eyes.
"Seems like Yukari's biggest mistake was your fault, because you put her in that position." Minato cocked his head gently to one side. "So by that logic, her biggest success should be yours too, right?"
"That's…" Hamuko's face wavered on the line between angry and confused. "That's not how it works."
"I agree."
"No, Mina, I mean-"
"I know what you mean. But where do you draw the line? Why are their failures your fault, but their successes are solely their own?"
Hamuko leaned back, mind kicking into a higher gear as she processed Minato's words. Without waiting for her response, Minato continued.
"We're a team. That means that we all take responsibility. Any of us could have noticed or stopped Yukari-chan if we'd said or done the right things - most of all, herself. After all, you tried to stop her."
Hamuko shook her head. "No… no. I refuse to put the blame on her."
"Then she will never learn, and we will make the same mistake again."
The only rebuttal to Minato's comment was a sharp inhale from Hamuko. Only through force of will could Minato keep his face impassive.
"Blame is the other side of responsibility. You are the operational leader, and you understandably feel responsible for everyone, especially Yukari-chan… but you must allow everyone to be responsible for themselves, too. You lead, but you cannot and should not take the blame - and the responsibility - for their every move."
Minato leaned in. "We don't avoid future problems by having you shoulder all the responsibility and the blame, Hamu. We avoid them by shouldering it all together. So please… let us."
His piece said, Minato leaned back again. It was all up to Hamuko now… and she looked like she was in the midst of a great battle. Any attempts at eye contact with Minato were lost as she fell within herself, her white knuckles clenched against her knees. When she finally spoke again, her voice was small.
"...I just don't know, Mina," she murmured. "It… it feels like my fault."
"I know," he replied. "I know."
"And… I'm still in charge of them. I'm still responsible."
"You are. Just not responsible for everything."
Hamuko's face was still conflicted as she hesitated, but Minato's eyes never left her face: the only small window Minato had to the battle he knew was raging in her soul. Minato gently reached over to lay one of his hands on top of hers.
"Hamu, you need to make changes. But so do we all. You can't fix things by trying to shoulder all the burden yourself, and shutting people out."
Hamuko didn't respond, even as Minato's grip got tighter. "Don't lose yourself because we all made a mistake. Please."
As Minato spoke, he moved his eyes down to his lap. Focusing wholly on the words he was speaking, and the meaning he needed to share with his sister, he tried to ignore the distraction of the raw emotions on Hamuko's face. And because of that, when he heard a quiet sniff, he was unprepared, looking up purely on instinct.
Hamuko had turned her head away from Minato, and her face remained mostly still. But her eyes were red and she was biting her lip. She sniffed again, and Minato watched as the cracks in her stoic wall of impassivity became clearly visible.
"I…" She stopped as her voice cracked, and she cleared her throat. "I just don't want to let anyone down. Never again."
A roiling wave of emotion swept over Minato, like a fierce storm. He tugged on Hamuko's hands, slowly pulling them forward until Hamuko tilted her face back to him, and he met her reddened eyes dead on. Then, without meaning to, he broke character. He poured out everything. All the stress, all the frustration, all the sadness, and all the love he held for his sister - everything was unleashed in his steady, unwavering words.
"No matter what you say, what you think, or what you do, you will never, ever even come close to letting me down, Hamu. Never in a million years."
Hamuko stared at him.
Now, maybe Minato had watched too many cheesy family movies recently. He wasn't sure what he expected out of such a comment, but he wouldn't have been too surprised if Hamuko had fully burst into tears, or tackled him in a hug, or maybe had a sudden, visible reckoning with her actions and made a solemn vow to rectify things and act differently.
Alas, no such luck. This was Arisato Minato, and he was finally starting to accept that his expectations rarely went to plan.
Instead of being overcome with gratitude and sentiment, Hamuko's eyes popped wide open, shock blowing away any potential tears. "I- That-" she sputtered. "Mina! That's the most emotion I've heard out of you in years! Literally years!"
Now it was Minato's turn to be baffled. "I… well." He felt his face heating up again as he glanced down. "I thought you… needed it."
"Guess I should get traumatized more often, then."
Minato, still in the midst of embarrassed turmoil, barely registered the sentence for a moment… but when he did, he froze.
Was that a sassy Hamuko comment?
Before he had a chance to think on that further, Hamuko had already steamrolled ahead. "Well, regardless. Mina… I appreciate you taking the time to talk to me." Much to Minato's dismay, by the time he whipped his head up to look at his sister's face, Hamuko had already slid her mask back on, and mostly gone were the signs of emotion that Minato had seen earlier - though he could see the remnants of it around the edges of her mouth and eyes. "I think I get what you're saying, and I... I'll think about it."
With that, Hamuko slid off the bed and stood up. Minato sat upright with a "Hamu, wait," slipping past his lips, but she just gave Minato a small smile and a head nod. Then she quickly backed out through the door and rounded the corner, out of sight.
Thus, Minato was left by himself in his room, with a phone on his bed and a feeling that his words alone wouldn't do the trick. He sighed, tilting his head back and closing his eyes, trying not to wallow too much in frustration.
Honestly, it is Hamu. He swallowed some of his frustration. I shouldn't be surprised that she wouldn't do an about-face that easily.
As Minato tried to yank himself up from the mire of his dark thoughts, footsteps rapidly approached his room again, and a noise came from his door. He opened his eyes just in time to see a blur of auburn hair and rumpled clothes before someone tackled him in a hug, with small, lithe arms crushing his waist.
"...Thank you, Mina," Hamuko whispered.
Minato was still for a moment in surprise, before he quietly wrapped his arms around his sister in response. He couldn't tell if her arms were trembling or if it was just his imagination, but he wrapped his arms tighter around her anyways, taking the opportunity to comfort his sister as best he possibly could.
And if there was an uncharacteristically warm smile on his face as he held his sister… Well, sue him. He had feelings. It was about time he started showing them.
Shout outs to:
Notoriouslee Stupid, Faranon423, Swordmage95, and Kirk Eros for fav'ing;
Notoriouslee Stupid, Faranon423, Sai Hikawa, Swordmage95, Gabriel H (point) Sapphire, and Kirk Eros for following;
0lcra and RaidouXXV for reviewing;
And my amazing beta Disasternoj for beta'ing!
Thanks as always for reading, and see you in the next update!
[Next chapter drops June 11th, 2024!]
