Content Warning: Snogging/Kissing
Sirius Black was feeling confident.
Remus' request that he try to date other people had a whole different meaning in Sirius' mind. To put it simply: Make Remus Jealous.
That, he thought, will be relatively easy…
Except there weren't as many male students that were interested in other men as he had thought. The Prewitt brothers had graduated last year and Sirius had already had his way with both of them anyway. There were a few 'curious' fourth-year Ravenclaws, but Sirius had standards, and itty bitty fourth years definitely were below them. He wasn't looking to be anyone's first time and he definitely didn't need any of them growing attached. It also wasn't enough to just find a bloke to snog, he had to get
Remus to catch him doing so.
"I don't see why you can't just do what Remus told you to do." James sighed, struggling to hold a squirming niffler still as Sirius tried to paint a large, red number 1 on it.
"I am doing what Remus said," Sirius defended with a frown. "D'you reckon it'd be cruel to put a body bind on these guys while we do this?"
Peter rolled his eyes, his arms full with the other two nifflers they had stolen from Professor Grubbly-Plank's stables. "You're really concerned with animal cruelty at this stage of the plan, Padfoot? Besides, it's not like it will hurt them."
Sirius gave a small shrug and pointed his wand at the creature in James' arms. "Sorry, little guys. Petrificus Totalus." The niffler's eyes grew wide in shock but the rest of its body went rigid. He turned and did the same to the ones Peter was holding.
"Hooking up with Benji Fenwick behind a suit of armor during Remus' rounds to purposely get caught is not what Remus told you to do," James said pointedly, laying the inanimate niffler on his bed and taking one from Peter so he could paint a number 3 on it.
"No idea what you mean," Sirius lied, feigning an air of innocence. "What Benji and I had was very real, thank you very much."
Peter snorted. "Right. All twenty minutes of it, I'm sure." The shorted boy ducked as Sirius took a swing at him, and ended up with a face of red paint regardless. "Look," Peter spat out some paint." All we're saying is that Remus isn't stupid. He knows you're not taking it seriously and you're only trying to make him jealous by snogging other blokes right in his face. You need to show him that you're trying."
"Right," Sirius grumbled, painting the number 4 on the remaining niffler.
James gripped his shoulder, squeezing it reassuringly. "Come on, Pads. It's like you told me at the beginning of the year. 'There's plenty of kelpies in the lake', and Mary and I have been dating for a while now."
Sirius shrugged him off, shaking his head. "Yeah, except you're a bloke that likes girls. So you've got a lake full of kelpies. I've got a pound with some toads and a goldfish or two if I'm lucky."
"And what's that make Remus, exactly?" Peter chuckled.
"The bloody frog you kiss on a dare that turns out to be a damn prince," Sirius muttered miserably.
Rolling his eyes, James grabbed Sirius by the arm and dragged him up. "That's enough of that, Princess. C'mon, we've got to get these guys down to the Great Hall before everyone heads down for dinner."
He and Peter counter-jinxed the nifflers before getting them back into their cages. Peter took the cages, placing a silencing charm on them as James threw the cloak over his head.
—-
Lily climbed through the portrait hole with an excited bounce in her step. She had spent the last few hours digging in the furthest corner of the library, determined still to find any information on the mating habits of werewolves. She was covered in dust and had been bitten by a particularly angry book, but it had been worth it for some of the things she had managed to find. Smiling broadly, she made her way to the sofa by the fireplace where Mary was curled up reading a battered copy of classic muggle poetry.
"Hey Mary, have you seen Potter?"
Mary glanced up at her and blinked. "What's he done wrong?"
Lily frowned. "Wha-? Oh! Nothing! I mean… not that I know of, anyway. I'm sure he's up to something." She found herself laughing nervously and turned into an unconvincing cough that Mary raised an eyebrow at. "Sorry," Lily blushed. "Dust." She cleared her throat once more and tucked her hair behind her ear as her friend stared at her in confusion. "Anyway, I just had to talk to him about something, but it's not important. I mean, it's important but it can wait, you know…"
Mary closed her book slowly, not taking her eyes off her flustered friend. "Is everything alright, Lily?"
"Of course." Lily smiled. "Why?"
"You've just been acting a little strange, that's all… specifically regarding James." She gave a small shrug. "You're still alright with me dating him, aren't you?"
"Don't be silly!" Lily said, laughing just a little too loud. "It's been, what? Three months? I think it's great that Potter has managed not to irritate you for that long. Keep at it, whatever it is you're doing. I… I have to go find Remus. I'll see you at dinner." Without waiting for a response, she hurried back out of the common room. Once the portrait swung closed behind her she took a deep breath. "What the bloody hell was that?" She muttered to herself, running a hand through her hair. She found herself feeling like that more often around Mary lately like she had to force herself to act normal and the harder she tried, the farther from normal she behaved.
"Lily?"
Lost in her confused thoughts, she was surprised to find herself standing in front of the Great Hall, where Remus was leaning against the heavy, closed doors, seemingly keeping a lookout. For a split second, Lily considered asking why, but she decided against it. "Hi, Remus." She forced a smile once again.
"Bit early to be down for dinner, isn't it?" Remus asked with a concerned look.
"I could say the same to you, couldn't I?" Lily countered, smirking a little.
Remus laughed. "You could, yes. But you and I both know I'm not standing here to be first in line for pudding." He rolled his eyes before cracking the door open just enough so he could peek inside. He closed the door again and looked back at her with a sigh. "I don't know how I continue to be dragged into their shit."
"Oh please," Lily grinned, folding her arms. "Everyone knows it's you that plans half of it out. No one's buying that sweet, innocent face anymore, Lupin."
A smirk more worthy of James or Sirius spread across Remus' face and he shrugged. "Oh, plenty of people still buy it. You just know me better." He gave her a quick once over. "Seriously though, are you alright?"
"I was looking for James- Or… or you, really," she added quickly as both of Remus' eyebrows shot up. "Either of you."
Remus nodded slowly, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. "Uh huh… Well, you've found me."
Lily stood there for a moment, staring blankly at him. What had she wanted to tell him? She had become so flustered earlier with Mary. Lily noticed that happening more and more lately. She mentally retraced her steps…
"Well, it's… It's actually something you may want to discuss in private," she said with a meaningful look that Remus thankfully caught onto right away.
"I see," he nodded, biting his lower lip. "Well…I- '' He stopped speaking as he saw a group of students coming around the corner. He opened the door again, this time wide enough that she could see James, Sirius, and Peter were all seated innocently in their usual spots at the Gryffindor table, and with a heavy sigh he opened the door the rest of the way. "We'll talk later, then?"
She nodded, taking a step forward into the hall just to have Remus grab her by the wrist.
"Wait!" He dug into his school bag and pulled out plastic dinner utensils. "Take these if you actually want to eat dinner tonight."
Lily frowned. "Do I want to ask?"
"No."
"Right…"
It didn't take long to find out what the boys had done. As soon as the feat appeared on the tables, there was a loud clatter and a few screams as Nifflers, with the numbers 1, 3, and 4 painted on their backs in red and gold, crawled over the tables stealing all the silverware in their wake. Students and staff were driven into a panic, with the exception of course of the Marauders, who were calmly eating with their plastic forks.
Lily sighed and shook her head as Professor Grubbly-Plank frantically searched for the missing Niffler, much to the amusement of the boys sitting beside her.
"You four are never going to grow up, are you?"
James snickered around a spoonful of pudding. "Not if we can help it, Evans."
Whatever strange feelings Lily had been experiencing earlier about the boy were promptly forgotten.
—-
After a very stern and detailed lecture about the dozens of school rules they had broken with this particular prank, Professor McGonagall had assigned all four boys separate detentions for the night, with the exception of Remus who had Prefect duties to attend to and would be writing a long letter of apology on the behalf of the four of them instead.
Sirius was serving his detention by polishing the frames of the portraits in one of the second-floor corridors, and instead of being under the supervision of a Professor, it was the Prefect that was on duty of the particular hall that he was supposed to answer to.
Ravenclaw sixth year, Gilderoy Lockhart.
This in itself was enough of a punishment in Sirius' opinion. The blonde Prefect was an absolute narcissist, to say the least, and about as flamboyant as a pygmy puff on steroids. He was a bigger flirt than Sirius himself and on top of that, he wasn't even good at it. Although, his stereotypical good looks and irritatingly perfect smile seemed to do the trick, as he was never without arm candy when flouncing around the streets of Hogsmeade, and he wasn't exactly picky about the gender of said arm candy. His very existence made Sirius want to stab his eyes out with his own wand.
"Bad luck, mate." James' reflection muttered quietly when Sirius had complained into the two-way mirror. "I'm sorting all the missing silverware with Grubbly-Plank checking in every ten bloody seconds…"
"Rather that than this bubble-headed nitwit," Sirius grumbled. "As if his ego wasn't bad enough, now they're letting him watch over detentions…"
James snorted. "Maybe he'll go easy on you, Pads. Everyone knows he's a pushover for attention. Offer him a snog, maybe you'll get out early."
Sirius gagged and shuddered. "You're a sick man, Potter."
James laughed, then let out an irritated groan. "Ugh, Grubbly-Plank's back. I'll see you at the dorm. Give Gilly a kiss for me, eh?" His reflection was gone before he could catch Sirius' rude hand gesture.
"I assure you, Black, you look just fine." A twittering laugh made Sirius' eye twitch and he turned around to face Lockhart.
"What?"
Gilderoy nodded to the mirror still gripped in Sirius' hand. "I always wondered how you managed to look so good all the time." He flashed his irritatingly bright, white teeth as he leaned against the wall opposite Sirius. "Though I never took you for the type to carry around a mirror." He sighed and shook his head. "My image of you as a 'carelessly handsome bad boy' is shattered."
Stuffing the mirror back into his jeans, Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to the portrait of Beatrix Boxam to continue scrubbing at her frame. "Sorry to disappoint," he muttered flatly.
"Oh, I'm certainly not disappointed." The Ravenclaw hummed in approval as Sirius bent to dip his rad in polish. "Not at all."
Gritting his teeth, Sirius glared over his shoulder at the other boy. "Flattering. But I have a-"
"A boyfriend?" Gilderoy finished for him, pushing off the wall and strolling over to stand beside him. "Sources say you don't, actually. Word travels around school, you know…"
"Nice try," Sirius smirked and took a threatening step forward, towering over Gilderoy, whose smile vanished immediately. "But I was going to say, I have a few hexes I'd love to test out, and if you aren't interested in becoming my test dummy, I'd suggest you keep your third-year level flirting to a minimum and let me finish out my detention."
Gilderoy huffed in disappointment and stepped away, leaning against the wall again and watching Sirius out of the corner of his eye. Sirius did his best to ignore him, putting all of his concentration into scrubbing the silver frame of Witches and Wizards he was probably related to in some way.
"So what happened?" Lockhart asked, sounding bored after the long, extended silence that Sirius had been thoroughly enjoying.
Sirius didn't look away from Xavier Rastrick's portrait. Mother's great uncle's second cousin, I think…
"Black?"
"WHAT?"
"What happened?" Gilderoy repeated, unaffected by Sirius' outburst.
Sirius stared at him, he must be dumber than he looked. "What do you-? Ugh. My friends and I set a bunch of Nifflers loose in the Great Hall to steal the silverware, weren't you there-?"
Gilderoy rolled his eyes. "I mean between you and your boyfriend. That Lupin bloke." He waved his hand dismissively at Remus' name, making Sirius want to punch him. "I mean, everyone knows you two have been practically married since first year. Though I can't imagine why…"
Sirius' fists clenched so hard he heard his knuckles crack. He let out a slow breath.
"Remus decided that we should see other people." Sirius sighed. He wasn't sure why he was answering to that pompous oaf anyway, he supposed it was better than letting rumors fly around. "And it's only temporary."
Gilderoy hummed thoughtfully, once again braving a step closer to Sirius so that the Gryffindor's back was pressed against the portrait he had been polishing. "It doesn't have to be temporary, you know. You shouldn't sell yourself short, Black. You're the best-looking boy in school, well, besides me of course-" Sirius groaned inwardly, using every ounce of self-control in his body to not pummel Lockhart to the ground and knock those ridiculously stark white teeth out of his pretty head. "Why limit yourself to Lupin when you could do so much better?"
Before Sirius could stop himself, he grabbed a fistful of the blond's shirt and flipped them so that Lockhart was the one pinned against the wall. He drew back his fist, prepared to deliver what was sure to be a very satisfying punch when he saw someone rounding the corner in his peripheral vision.
"Sirius?"
Remus. Sirius registered.
This better work, he thought desperately, and he pressed his lips against Lockhart's.
For a second it felt like everything stopped. He heard Remus' footsteps stop short and he was sure the werewolf was staring at them. Might as well make it believable. Pressing himself against the Ravenclaw Sirius sighed into the kiss. Gilderoy kissed back with a little too much enthusiasm. He tasted too strongly of mint like he carried mouthwash with him for just such occasions, and it gave Sirius an instant headache.
The sound of Remus clearing his throat loudly should have been Sirius' excuse to stop, but he was feeling spiteful and didn't pull away until finally;
"Sirius Black!"
Success! Sirius thought smugly as he broke away from Lockhart with a smirk. "Hey, Rem. I didn't know you were there."
Remus was standing with his arms crossed, amber eyes glaring daggers at his fellow prefect. "Lockhart, I should report you for abusing your post," he said coldly. "You're supposed to be monitoring students in detention, not snogging them."
"Detention's over according to my watch," Gilderoy said airily, making a show of wiping his mouth on his sleeve. Sirius saw Remus' eyes flash and his lips curled.
"So it is," Remus growled softly. He finally locked eyes with Sirius, who suddenly felt very small and not quite as confident and cocky as he had moments ago. "Which means you should be heading back to the dorm, shouldn't you?"
Sirius licked his lips. "Uh-"
"Padfoot, come."
Feeling like a dog who had been caught digging through the garbage, Sirius went to Remus' side with his figurative tail between his legs. Without another word or look to Lockhart, Sirius followed Remus toward Gryffindor Tower.
Sirius could feel Remus' anger coming off of him as they walked in complete silence. Still, he had won, hadn't he? Remus wouldn't be so mad if he wasn't jealous…
"So you're mad at me, then?" He asked once the silence began to bother him more than anything else.
"Yes, I am mad at you," Remus said, keeping his eyes forward.
"Well, that's not exactly fair, Moony. I'm only doing what you told me t-"
"You are not doing what I told you to do!" Remus snapped, rounding on him. "You aren't taking this seriously! You're snogging random blokes and hoping I walk up on you. So what, Sirius? So I'll get jealous? So I'll realize how badly I want you to myself and how much it hurts to see someone else kiss you? That's not what this is about, Sirius! It isn't about whether or not I want you! It's about you giving yourself a fair chance at finding-"
"For your information," Sirius cut in, his own anger rising as he met Remus' glare. "I wasn't just snogging random blokes to make you jealous! I happen to have a date with him in Hogsmeade next weekend!" The lie fell from his mouth before he had time to think and he almost immediately regretted it.
Remus stared at him, jaw dropped and eyes wide before he started to laugh. "Yeah right, Padfoot. You expect me to believe that? You bloody hate Lockhart!" Sirius remained expressionless and eventually, Remus' laughter died. By now they were standing in front of the portrait of the fat lady, staring wordlessly at one another.
Remus swallowed. "Sirius-"
"You need to get back to your rounds," Sirius muttered. "Goodnight, Remus." He turned to the portrait. "Collywobbles."
The portrait swung open and Sirius stepped inside, leaving Remus standing alone in disbelief.
Yes yes, I'm aware that Lockhart is like 4-5 years younger than the Marauders canonically but just let me have this for plot reasons.
Hey guys! Sorry about there not being a chapter last week. Got caught up with marching band and school and stuff... as one does... I really wish I could figure out if there was scheduled posting on here but I haven't figured it out yet. Anyways, hope I'm keeping you on the edge of your seat...
You can find me on Instagram and Tik Tok at Via889 . Fanfiction or my podcast on which I read We Were Forever to my friend Liv at themaraudersoliviasversion on Instagram, Spotify, and Google Podcast I believe.
