(YM)
A nightmare. It all had to be some vivid nightmare, right? Junko tried to stab 'Kamukura' and he knocked her out. All a dream. It had to be. I laid in bed and tried to convince myself of that over and over. The familiar scent of raspberry perfume along with a warmth I hadn't felt since Christmas proved, before I even opened my eyes, that it was real. I wouldn't have her here with me if I dreamt everything up. I couldn't keep lying to myself. An alarm screamed at me to face the truth of last night while she stirred a bit at the sound. I could barely sleep. Thoughts of what to do overcrowded any kind of relaxation. How could she attempt something like that so... casually? Was she trying to get us killed? She already knew he was a superhuman designed to have as much strength as humanly possible. Did she really think she could win any kind of fight with him? I expected 'Kamukura' to be fair and reasonable in any fight, physical or not. I guess the one good thing to come out of this was knowing for sure he was the type to do damage control first and foremost; not to be vengeful.
I was sure to take out Junko's contacts and take off her shoes, but I was still worried about how uncomfortable she could've been. 'Kamukura' said she wouldn't be in any pain when she woke up. I turned to her to see if she looked like she could've been in any pain. She looked around the room for a second, probably analyzing and thinking about how it's cleaner than she expected. Then she smiled at me knowingly. Whatever thoughts about my room already passed before I could say anything. "Did you really carry me back here?" It was weird seeing her with a natural muted eye color after seeing her solely with blue contacts for so long. "Yeah. I took out your contacts. They're in the bathroom." To my answer, she hugged onto me tightly with a: "Aww, you're so sweet!~ I have the best boyfriend ever!" Swaying me a bit while we were sat up in bed, she planted little kisses on my face. Might've been a cute visual if it were under a different context.
"Yeah, whatever. I'm practically drowning in your *sweetness*. Best boyfriend ever, huh? Well, aren't I lucky?" I comeback with my signature sarcasm. A tint of genuine frustration lining each word. She just stared at me for a moment, probably thinking about what to say. "Are you actually mad? I wasn't really gonna hurt him. It was a test to see if he could predict everything like you said or if he's just some depressed guy. He passed." She tried to explain herself. Oh, yeah, that totally made everything better. "Sure, and what if he was the violent type and hurt you for real? You know he has the ability to kill you without trying. What were you thinking? Are you really that stupid? Now I have to go in there and act like I didn't bring some freak around him that tried to kill him." I lightly pushed her off me as I got dressed. I still couldn't believe it. She really did that without caring about the consequences. What made it worse was knowing that she thought about it beforehand. She thought about all the possibilities in every situation in her life, this wouldn't be any different, and she still decided to try it. All that intelligence wasted on the crazy.
"Hey, it's gonna be okay. I knew what I was doing. Right off the bat, I knew he wasn't gonna hurt me. He's not the type." She walked over to me while I lazily tied my tie. Wearing the same thing as yesterday, it didn't take long to get ready. Only had to put on my pants, redo my tie, and put on my sandals then I was out the door. "I just know he won't blame you for what I did. Don't overthink it too much, hon. He's a rational guy. This won't ruin your little bromance." She teased as she hugged me from behind. Without her heels, she seemed so short. The more gentle hug made me fall right into her hands... again. I needed and took this reassurance, although in the back of my mind, I knew I should be more cynical. She was right, I think. He wouldn't blame me, more like question what I was thinking. Why I was with her. Nothing I didn't question myself on. "Oh, of course. Why would he ever blame me? It's not like this is going to come back to bite me at all. And don't worry, my 'bromance' will stay perfectly intact because everyone knows rational guys love surprises." My casual sarcasm was back. I still had a point regardless of my tone. Anger coursing through each statement wasn't masked that well. I couldn't just let this go. "He wasn't surprised at all. Don't flatter me."
My heart wanted to melt back into forgiving her right away. It was stupid. I knew I was already being too nice about this. Really! This entire situation was a shit show from the start. Stalking me, breaking into that building, getting Mukuro to threaten me, and finally meeting 'Kamukura' was all for what? To get him into join her dumb thought process? I didn't like thinking about what she planned to do with his artificial abilities. I didn't want to be responsible for giving him the talents to do whatever evil plans she wanted. All that anxiety and frustration built up just for her to soothe it with a hug and sweet talk. At least he didn't seem interested in her ridiculous beliefs. That was the only reason nothing got worse.
As the silence grew, she went to play with my hair. A move she knew the power of. I quickly moved her hand away, her face showing a bit of surprise in the mirror. "...Still mad, huh?" I walked past her to put my pants back on. This whole thing had me doing steps out of order. "Oh no, totally over it. I mean, who wouldn't forgive someone for nearly getting us killed? It's not like that kind of thing leaves a lasting impression or anything." A moment of nothing as I sat down at the edge of my bed. She just stared at me with a slightly upset face. I let the quiet seep in. I didn't want her to use her magic on me. Realistically, I could walk out that door and go to see him, but I would be too early and I didn't know what she'd do. Maybe I needed to take her back to her hotel. Did I have enough time for that? Slowly, like she was afraid I'd snap, she walked over. Lightly holding my face as she leaned closer to me, still standing. Forced to look at her, I noticed just how much the eye color got to me. It felt like a reconnection of some sort, as dumb as that was. It was like I was seeing a bit of the real her after she hid it for so long. I didn't want it to affect me.
"I know I should've said something before. I just didn't wanna scare you, okay? You know I thought it through. I wouldn't let anyone hurt you, even someone like him." The way she said those things made me want to believe it. The urge to just accept it and forgive ate at me. I knew better. The disappointment in my actions with her were originally just a battle with myself until last night. 'Kamukura' showed as much emotion as he had in a long time towards anything and it was disappointment directed at me. He didn't know the full scope of it. If he did, I knew he'd be disgusted by how dependent I've become. How fake my toughness really was. How I wasn't in control of my own life. Everything was her. "...You don't mean it." I stood a bit of ground. Nothing that was worth celebrating or even mentioning to anyone. She glanced down for a lingering second, the worries of what she'd do weigh in as she continued to hold my jaw in her palm. The face faded from slightly upset to downright sad. Eye brows turned up with those haunting eyes stared directly into mine. A genuine formation of tears lined her bottom lashes.
"...You really think I would let you get hurt?" She sounded almost innocent in that question. "I do. Wouldn't that just feed into the whole despair nonsense? You must think I'm as stupid as you are." She let go of my face, stood up, and clasped her hands together in a slow build up of motion. Trembling slightly while remaining eye contact. Her bottom lip quivered before she shook her head vigorously. A billion thoughts went through her all at once in a matter of a single millisecond. "N-no! Yasuke, you're different. You've always been different! You're one of the only people I actually care about. I'm sorry, okay? I hate that you feel like I'd really just let you get hurt like that. I'm so sorry..." Tears came to smudge her already messy makeup. I had to think if her annoying acting skills got better or if she really meant it. Would she still be looking at me if it were real? Would she be more dramatic if it were fake? I couldn't tell. I just couldn't figure this out anymore. The tired nature of being unable to sleep and the fear of being alone made me do something I probably shouldn't have. Again, I knew better.
"...Come here." I held out my arms slightly, unable to look at her anymore. I wasn't sure if I felt more shame in making her cry or folding for something like this. Without warning she hugged onto me, practically shoving me into my bed. I hesitated to hug her back. Back when she'd be upset when we were kids, I always rubbed her back in these situations. In the moment, I didn't do it. I just laid my hands there, perfectly still as she sniffled. Something she definitely noticed. "Y-You really think I... would do that to you?" Why did her crying have so much effect on me? After so long, you'd think I'd build a tolerance to it. The problem was I couldn't tell how much of it was fake anymore. Maybe I never knew. What I did know was how much I wanted her to stop crying, real or not. "Stop, okay? I'm sorry. Please just stop." I didn't bother hiding my exhaustion in that reply. It was too damn early to be arguing. No point in it anyway. I never won. "Yasuke, I really do love you. I can't imagine being in a world without you. You've been so patient with me even though I'm crazy and not the best girlfriend. You have to at least believe that I don't wanna live without you in my life."
Especially when she said lovey-dovey schlock like that, it reminded me of why I continued to stay with her. There really was a sweetheart in there - hiding in the depths of her problem. If she didn't have her constant dilemma between boredom and pain, she'd only be the parts that I genuinely loved. She would be the person I fell for as a kid. "You love me back, right?" She asked after what felt like minutes of silence as I started rubbing her back. A sign of things going in her favor. "...I guess. You just make it really hard sometimes." I decided to stop fighting it. I couldn't win. Using my wittiness to ease the tension, I needed to soothe this out. With Junko, I learned to forgive and never forget. Forgetting would be too stupid of me. "You make it hard to love you sometimes when you're so mean. Calling me dumb and stuff." She playfully pouted. The crying seemed to fade as soon as she realized I wasn't as mad anymore. "Well, stop being dumb and I'll quit." To that, she started laughing and rubbing her face against my chest. Again, a sweet visual if under a different context.
How do we always end up like this? She'll do something repulsive, we argue a bit, then we end up cuddled up and laughing together. Something was definitely wrong with her. I knew that long before we became anything official. At the end of it all, I guess I wasn't much better. I mean, who else would want this monster? Who would be crazy enough to put up with her? Maybe that was why we worked in a strange way. We were both completely fucked up down to the core. We laid there a while. Kissing sweetly while she seemed to relax fully into me. I didn't want to do anything else besides melt into her while she was being nice. Nothing else seemed to matter when I was with her, because that's where home was. No one else could both understand AND care about me. No one else could understand her, besides maybe her twin. I envied that sometimes. The only person I had come close to that turned into someone else entirely.
Oh wait, I needed to go! I stopped returning the kisses, glancing over at the alarm clock. "Looks like I need to go see your favorite depressed guy." I joked some. The tension from before completely gone. She shook her head. "Wow, leaving me for your boyfriend just like that?" While she quipped back, she got off me with one more kiss to the cheek. "Oh god. I don't need another chronically bored person on my dating list. I already have to deal with you." Suddenly, I wondered if she was seriously implying something about me. Although it might've just been a joke. She giggled at my reply before helping me up. "Are you gonna go back to the hotel?" I asked while in the doorway out. The outside opening to a hallway. "Guess I'll go back after cleaning your messy room. We could go out somewhere later." Really? I was so sure it was clean enough. "Oh, yeah. Nothing says 'romantic evening' like a prelude of picking up socks off the floor." She rolled her eyes at that.
"Yeah, yeah. You better get out there before Mr. Rational gets all emo about you abandoning him."
"Suure, because he's definitely the type to get emotional. Heh. See you later."
"Oh! So we're going out?"
"Only if you behave."
"Fiine. I guess I will."
In a weird way, it felt almost like the movies when a wife sees her husband off to work... Just our own twisted version of it.
-
As soon as I get into the building, I realized I needed to apologize. Something my pride never liked doing. I associated it with the shame of all the little things Junko 'caught' me doing - things she just didn't like. How could I word this so the camera doesn't out what happened? Even without worrying about that, how was I supposed to apologize in a way that would mean anything to him? I was acting stupid last night. Didn't do a single thing right. Taking anger out on him definitely didn't help anything. For now, I did the routine things: getting breakfast and pills for everyone's favorite experiment. Seeing that Dr. Tsukino wasn't here meant I didn't overdo his sleeping aid. I dreaded going in 'Kamukura's door. It all went by so quickly. For some reason, I hoped there would be enough time to prepare myself. How much time would that be?
Wait, what was I thinking? He probably wouldn't even care. He didn't care about anything, why would this be different? For some reason, that was worse than him being upset with me. There was a chance of him feeling betrayed by ME being the one to bring her around or maybe disappointed? I knew he seemed at least somewhat disappointed last night. How humiliating. Although, in a way, that had to be progress, right? Him feeling anything new might be worth it. If it came from this dumbass situation, at least some good would come from it. Attempting to rip off the bandaid, I forced myself to just go in there. He was here staring off into space like he normally was in the morning. Thinking about whatever it was that he thought about nowadays. "Morning." I placed the tray down in it's usual spot. He watched my face before pointing something out that I should've thought of. "It appears you had a good morning. You have lipstick on your face."
Oh, great. Way to add salt into the wound. I was already failing at this. In a lame attempt of easing any possible tension, I used my favorite tools: sarcasm and humor. "Jealous? Don't worry, maybe one day you'll get some attention too, huh? The ladies would love your scar." I might've made that joke before. Whenever he would be able to go out into the world, I knew the scar would be a conversation starter. Doubt he would like that. What excuse would he use anyway? He wasn't naive enough to blurt out the truth. "I will pass on such meaningless endeavors." He responded in a way I should've expected. He never seemed the type to focus on any kind of romance. Maybe when he was still Hinata and not in a terrifying experiment, he was different when it came to that... I guess I should've stopped pretending a long time ago. This wasn't the Hinata I used to know. He used to be there despite the name change. He still had his humor, his emotions, his personality, and now it was all gone. The Hinata I knew wasn't here anymore. Calling him 'Kamukura' in quotations was insulting to who he used to be. I should stop holding onto this dumb lingering for someone I'd never see again. Although, I always had a hard time letting go. Did it matter if he was different? I was still here.
"No problem." I just stopped talking about that topic. I had to bring up the real kicker. This time, I actually called him by his name. No slip up. No hesitation. Something I should've started doing months ago. "Hey, Kamukura. I don't know how to say this, but..." I lowered my voice some before continuing. "I'm sorry, okay?" I was sure to look at him while saying it. He would obviously know what I was talking about, yet I couldn't help wondering if any kind of explanation would mean anything. "There is no need to apologize. We all have our vices and your remorse is clear. I appreciate the sentiment, however." Just as my anxiety told me, he didn't care. Me being the one to almost get him hurt didn't mean anything to him. I tried to convince myself that he knew me well enough to know I didn't mean for Junko to pull anything. He couldn't be mad at something that wasn't my fault, but it WAS my fault. I knew how crazy she was. I mentioned it to him before. He was right when he said I should've expected her to do something, and I did. Just not that.
"Have you thought of what I said?" Kamukura interrupted my thoughts. The same repeated thoughts that muttered throughout the night. What was he referencing in particular? "Not at all. The apology just came from nothing." Again, I had to use my defense mechanism. He didn't bother reacting much to it. Why would he? "I know that is difficult for you. Thank you. Let us continue as if nothing happened." Huh? That's what he was talking about? The line of him telling me to 'not let this affect our relationship' because we 'couldn't afford it' rang through my ears all night too. I had to question how much my presence actually meant to him. Was it as sickeningly wholesome of a statement when he had such limited choices? Did he really know how much I, and hold in your disgust, cared about him? A stupid choice to begin with. I shouldn't have let myself get close whatsoever. Here we were 7 months later and I went out of my way to see him every morning. What a gross effect sympathy had.
Wait, I needed to take this opportunity to ask if he thought about what Junko said before it slipped away. I already knew the answer, I just had to confirm so my brain didn't question it as much. Could he possibly say anything that made me fully believe him? "Hold on. I need to know if you thought about anything that was said." He didn't break the straight face. He predicted this. Of course, he did. I shouldn't be surprised by that. "Not particularly. We discussed this." He started his breakfast right after answering. Like that was all there was to say. I guess it really was. "...Right." I knew there wasn't much, if anything, he could say to stop these worries. I had to move on and 'continue as if nothing happened'. So we would. We would go back to talking about things he probably thought were boring, I just hoped it would mean something to him.
