Yes, Leon was now a dog. Yes, that is where the name Huan came from. Yes, I laughed for a very, very long time. But that still leaves one mystery unsolved: how did Duchess Olivia know what a dog looked like?

Olivia had spent all her life in the Faelands, save for a short spell in her little hideaway near the broken Fairy Gate. How, then, did she learn to recognise a dog when she saw one? Apparently her adopted father Jarl gave a picture book to read, from which she learned - in the vaguest of ways - the basics of a dog's features.

But in truth, that was all she knew. As a fairy, Olivia had a skin deep resemblance to humanity: in the same way, Huan possessed only a cosmetic resemblance to a dog. Beneath that exterior, however, was something quite alien in its nature.

This was probably a good thing. He didn't know it yet, but Zefnat the Scholar was sending him into the lair of an Elder Dragon: the Shining Giant of the Depths itself. And naturally, many things would try to kill him.

Huan Strongarm: A Bartfort Folktale, by Lufas Maphaahl

"I already don't like where this is going!" Leon declared.

"The full name of the series is the Compleat Encyclopaedia of Heresies, Heterodoxies and Apostasies," Zefnat continued. "And only yesterday I acquired a copy of Volume 83. That means that I only have Volumes 28 and 67 left to go."

"That's it?" blinked Olivia. "You want us to find some books for you? That doesn't sound very questy."

Zefnat gave her a long, haunted look. "I have a condition," he rasped. "No… perhaps it is better called an obsession. When I start something, I simply have to finish it. I truly have no choice in the matter. Do you know how long it's been since I began collecting these books? How hard it has been?"

"Uh…"

"I barely even sleep anymore," sobbed the scholar. "Every waking moment is spent searching for these accursed books! I find myself randomly gaining and losing weight without any correlation! My friends and family won't even talk to me anymore! My sister won't let her children near me!"

Erica covered her mouth with one hand. "Oh, you poor thing."

"I just… I just want this to be over so I can have a life again!" Zefnat was actually crying now, his face leaking with of tears and snot. "Please… I'll do whatever you want…"

"Fine, dude!" Leon blurted. "We'll help! Just calm down!"

Olivia placed a comforting hand on his back. "There there. Mr Le… Huan already said that he's going to help you. Just calm down."

Eventually Zefnat pulled himself together, snorting a hideously long booger back up his nose. "Thank you," he sobbed. "The first… Volume 28 is…" He coughed for a bit until he got his voice back. "Volume 28 is in the possession of a certain book dealer, but he won't sell it to me. He blames me for the disappearance of a copy of Volume 17 a few weeks ago."

This made even Prince Julius pause. "I'm sorry sir, but I have to ask: did you steal it?"

"Of course not!" Zefnat blurted, but quickly crumbled under their accusing glares. "I… uh… acquired it from another source later that same day." Even the two girls seemed to lose some of their sympathy. "Don't judge me!"

"Too late," said Leon, which got a guilty laugh out of Olivia. "Anyway, aren't we forgetting something? Jules and Green aren't allowed to leave the palace. And Olivia can't go outside in case Elodach or the UnFae try to grab her. That means y'all are benched til this is over."

Olivia didn't seem too bothered by this, but after she translated for him Julius recoiled in horror. "But this is the next leg of the adventure! How can I miss out on this?"

"Ask Mother," suggested Erica blithely. "I'm sure she'll give you permission once she sees how much this means to you."

The Prince's face lit up with childish naïveté. "Great idea sis! C'mon, Jilk!" They ran giddily around a corner, but after a few seconds Julius stuck his head around for one last remark. "Erica stays here."

"Fine by me," grunted Leon. Julius looked at Olivia - who gave him a thumbs up - before running off.

"She's not giving him permission to go," said Erica flatly. "If you need someone to speak human for then I'm afraid you'll need someone else."

"I can go," offered Iven. "I'm not doing anything right now. I may not be able to speak dog, but I'm certainly capable of buying a book."

"Perfect!" Zefnat looked pathetically grateful. He pulled out a pouch of money and shoved it into Iven's hands. He had a dire tremor in his fingers, and very nearly dropped it. "Here's two hundred and fifty gold pieces. Go to the marketplace and look for a man named Bibrus: ask him for Volume 28 and he will sell it to you. I will tell you where to find Volume 67 once I have it, and when my collection is complete I will give you the information you need. Do we have an accord?"

"We do," nodded Leon. He held out his paw, and to his credit the scholar shook it without blinking. He bowed deeply to the Princess before excusing himself. The wolfdog turned to Olivia, and she had spoken to enough animals to recognise the apologetic look on his face. "Sorry to ditch you like this."

"That's alright," she smiled, and meant it. "I'm just glad that you maybe won't end up stuck like this."

He had to admit, it was an electric thought. "Fingers crossed… or paws. Whatever."

"I'll take care of her until you get back," promised Erica. "You just see about that book. And don't worry, I'll make sure she comes to no harm." With that she led the fairy away, asking cagey questions about her stance towards her canonical love interests.

As they left the palace, the guards elbowed one another as they spotted Iven. "Hey," one of them said. "Isn't that Crazy Iven?"

"Yep," said his friend. "I heard that he's the Queen's favourite charity case. I'm surprised the King lets him hang around."

"He's harmless. I heard that while he was on the streets his junk rotted and fell off."

The guards laughed as they walked away. Iven stayed silent, while Leon began to growl threateningly. "There's some truth to that, you know. I no longer have a biological sex."

Leon hated how helpless he was. It was the helplessness that came with seeing someone you cared about in pain, while having no way to talk to them and make them feel better. He was forced to settle for butting his shoulder against Iven's hand, while the axe hummed sadly on his other side.

Ever so slightly, Iven smiled. "Thanks, guys."

Finding the man they wanted was easy once they gave up and asked for directions. He was astonishingly buff for someone who worked in a bookstore, with colossal arms that were being used to lift an entire bookcase as they entered his shop. His button up tweed shirt barely contained his rippling muscles, which were at odds with his meek, bookish (heh) face. He had a scraggly grey beard on his chin, and a tiny pair of pince-nez spectacles attached to his nose.

"Greetings, sir!" he boomed. "Bibrus the Bookseller, at your service!" He peered at Leon as he held the door open with his shoulder, allowing Iven to enter before letting it close. "Smart dog you've got there."

"He's pretty great," smiled Iven, which Leon appreciated. "We're looking for a copy of Volume 28 of the Encyclopaedia of Heresies."

"Why, certainly… Wait, you're not buying it for Zefnat are you?"

Iven blinked. Leon prayed for him to deny ever hearing of the man. "Yes?" The wolfdog covered his snout in despair.

The man's welcoming smile evaporated. A low rumbling began emanating from his chest, causing Leon's ears to instinctively flatten against his head. "Begone!" Bibrus thundered. "I will sell neither to Zefnat nor his agents! Begone I say!"

"Back! Off!" Leon barked. The bookseller immediately backed down. He nudged Iven's hand with his nose, but the man remained eerily unbothered by violent noise.

"Sir," said Iven politely. "There's no need to shout."

Bibrus glanced nervously at Leon. His large teeth were no longer bared, but he was still glaring resentfully. "O-okay."

"Now," Iven continued reasonably. "I understand that you don't get along with Zefnat. I only met him a short while ago, so I don't really have an opinion on the man one way or the other. But he has something we need, and he won't give it to us unless we give him that book."

The man licked his lips nervously. "I… I appreciate that, but that doesn't make me responsible for your problems."

"I concur," nodded Iven, apparently having expected this. "Which is why I would like to propose an alternative."

Bibrus and the dog gave him matching confused looks. "What alternative?"

Iven smiled enigmatically. "Do you remember those creatures that attacked the square the other day?"

"Of course!" His eyes immediately lit up. "They were beaten back by the legendary hero Strongarm!"

Leon shifted his forepaws self-consciously.

"Precisely. And that same man has recently been cursed."

You could tell from how Bibrus reacted that he had been raised on tales of adventurers. "Cursed?" Iven just looked at Leon. Bibrus followed his gaze. "No goddamn way."

There was a certain gesture known to people everywhere, involving the entirety of the face, head, neck and shoulders. It meant What Can You Do, and when Leon performed it he looked so human that Bibrus instantly believed him.

"Lord Strongarm?" he blinked.

"Yep," nodded Leon. "In the fur."

"How?"

"Fairy."

"The only person with a clue of how to turn him back is Zefnat," Iven continued. "But unless we get that Volume-"

"Please, Lord Strongarm!" Bibrus wailed, throwing himself at the wolfdog's feet. "My friend needs your help!"

Leon blinked. "Uh…"

"I am old friends with a beggar who lives in the Old City! He's in trouble and he refuses to let me help!"

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Iven hesitantly. "But you need to bear in mind that he's currently a dog."

"Hang on a sec," Leon interrupted, pawing at his leg to make sure he got the message. "Let's hear him out."

He nodded at the bookseller to keep going. "I'm not sure of the details," he continued. "But apparently, someone stole his eyes-"

"Yes!" Leon barked, scaring the life out of the other two men. "I know this sidequest!" He bounced giddily at the front door to be let out. "Iven, let's go! The rewards for this quest are so good!"

"I guess he wants to help you out," Iven remarked, a bemused smile creeping across his face. "Before we go, here's two hundred and fifty gold. I'd appreciate it if you could reserve that Volume for us."

He handed over Zefnat's pouch, which Bibrus looked at in mild confusion. "But the book isn't worth more than two hundred."

"So?" he asked pleasantly. "It isn't my money. I'll see you later."

Leon led him through the streets of the Old City, snarling at any thieves or muggers who thought Iven looked like an easy mark. The beggar sat in the same spot he did in the game, crouched miserably in a deserted alleyway. His face was obscured by a filthy beard, and his eyes had been carved out of their sockets; only ghastly black holes remained. Leon's ears flattened against his head, while the remaining hair on Iven's arms stood up at the eerie sight.

"Ah," he said, in a voice deep and mellow like a Shakespearean actor. "The smell of the streets mixed with expensive soap and perfumes. You must be a beggar like myself experiencing a streak of uncommon fortune." He turned his absence of eyes on Leon, causing his tail to shrink between his legs. "You reek of the farms. A village boy you are. A tiller of northern soil, and a dog owner at that. I too was a northerner once, a farmer of rich lands."

Iven cleared his throat nervously. "That's… uh… quite a guess. May I ask who you are?"

"My name matters not, for I have nothing in this world," the man said melodramatically. Leon knew it was coming and just rolled his eyes, but Iven was lapping it up. "I've lost my land and my gold, and now I've lost my eyes."

Leon huffed through his snout, and the axe hummed in agreement. "What happened to your eyes?" asked Iven breathlessly.

"The apothecary made off with them!" he spat. "Plucked them from my skull, the vile toad! He claimed that he was crafting an elixir and needed the eyes of a beggar: a beggar I may be, but now I have no eyes! I mourn my land and gold no longer, but how I mourn my eyes! Half of my world, stolen from me!"

It probably wasn't fair of Leon to mock the man; he was genuinely grief stricken, but his flowery language made it impossible to take him seriously. "What if we wanted to get them back?" Iven asked. "What then?"

"Go ask the apothecary," the beggar grumbled. "If you can, fetch my eyes from him. My possessions are few, but I will reward you if you succeed."

Maybe it was because Leon wasn't directly involved, but it felt like more of a copy/paste from the original game. The beggar's dialogue was virtually unchanged, and when Iven accepted the quest he did so with minimal interface. Every side quest giver Leon had interacted with - Zefnat, Bibrus, Elodach, Drego, Jarl, Korel, Zane, Ragneli, Aravind, Jinyan and Iven himself - had grown into a real person distinct from their fictional counterparts. Maybe humanity was infectious, and Leon was the vector.

Or maybe Iven was just more of a main character than he was. More willing to help people with less persuasion. It was an interesting thought.

The three of them - Leon, Iven and the axe - visited the apothecary's shop, which sat exactly on the border between the Old City and Avrum Market. The Market District was split into two parts: first was the square, where all the noble shops were. Jarl and Bibrus had their shops around the circumference, Roland had used it to announce the Oak Leaf Contest and Leon himself had used it as an arena for his final showdown with the Queen-Mother.

The other half was Avrum Market, a vast collection of stalls for the middle and lower class that Leon could see right behind the apothecary's shop beyond a narrow bridge and a smelly canal. A larger bridge called the Devil's Bridge connected Avrum with the square, spanning a waterway known as the Royal Canal. This was actually the same bridge that Guts and Earis were guarding when Leon delivered the Lionslayer on his first day in Holfort.

World building!

Inside the shop was shelf upon shelf of vials and bottles, containing bizarre substances of such vibrant colours that it made Leon's eyes hurt. The air was filled with multicoloured smoke, burning their lungs and tasting of something different every time they breathed in. "Hello?" Iven coughed. "Is anyone there?"

There was a flash of white light from the back of the shop as something exploded; like a flashbang it blinded them for a few seconds and left a painful ringing in their ears, causing Iven to scream and Leon to yelp in pain. A short man with dark skin and thin silver hair came tumbling out of the back room, his clothes burnt in some places and still on fire in others. He staggered to his feet and squinted at Iven through his glasses, which had extendable lenses like cartoonish little telescopes.

"Are you okay?"

"WHAT?" the man shouted, scaring the life out of them. "IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A DELIVERY… Wait, delivery boys don't wear white robes. ELIXIRS AND POTIONS, UNGUENTS AND BALMS! THAT IS THE APOTHECARY'S CRAFT!"

Evidently, his hearing hadn't quite come back yet. "We… uh… We're here about the beggar's eyes."

"WHAT?" shouted the apothecary. "DID YOU SAY YOU WANT ICE?"

"You sell ice?" Leon blinked, but of course neither of them understood him.

"No, I said eyes."

"ICE?"

"Eyes."

"ICE?"

"Eyes!"

"ICE?"

"EYES!"

"THERE'S NO NEED TO SHOUT… Wait, did I leave these in this entire…" The apothecary plucked a pair of plugs from his ears and patted out the remaining flames from his shirt, then smiled pleasantly. "Elixirs and potions, unguents and balms. That is the apothecary's craft. How can I help you?"

Iven cleared his throat, a little embarrassed at being caught shouting. "We are here on behalf of a certain beggar. He has asked us to retrieve his eyes."

He got a blank look in return. "We?" He looked around until he spotted Leon, who woofed in greeting. "Ah, you meant the dog. Yes, I have the eyes of which you speak, but I require them to make an elixir. I am brewing a concoction of Mendicant Vision."

Iven visibly searched his memory but came up with nothing. Leon knew what he was talking about thanks to the game but to his frustration remained incapable of communicating, forcing him to sit where he was and tap his claws on the tiles as the conversation played out. "I'm sorry… Mendicant Vision?"

"Indeed," beamed the apothecary, holding up an ancient tome for them to look at. It was full of messy handwriting and indecipherable diagrams, and neither of them could make heads nor tails of it. "One who imbibes this potion will gain the gift of special sight: he shall perceive the generosity of others! Those who are most generous will be most willing to part with their gold!"

"I see," smiled Iven awkwardly. "Would you be willing to part with-"

"No."

"But I didn't even-"

"No."

"Please-"

"No." The apothecary picked up a random bottle and drank from it, only to immediately spit it back out again. The strange fluid came out as a pink mist, which quickly solidified into something resembling cotton candy before floating softly to the ground. "I wasn't supposed to drink that," he admitted. "I suddenly find myself in desperate need of rare alchemical ingredients. I will give you the beggar's eyes if you let me not pay for it."

"Okay?" Iven nodded hesitantly. "What… What exactly do you need?"

The apothecary took off his spectacles. His pupils were huge, and he began talking to something off to Iven's left. "In the west of… where are we? In the west of wherever we are now, there lives a rare and elusive fire salamanka. Slay the salamanka and bring me its tongue, and I will give you the beggar's eyes."

Iven slowly began to back away, realising he was starting to get a contact high from the man's breath. "That's… Right. Fine! I should… I should really be going."

"Sure thing, pretty lady!" the apothecary waved cheerfully. "Remember: make with the tongue!"

He grabbed another bottle and yanked the cork out with his teeth, this time glugging down the entire thing. He threw the empty bottle over his shoulder and knocked over a tower of strange vials, shattering them and causing them to explode like multicoloured fireworks. He smiled at them for a moment before suddenly heaving, his eyes bugging out of his head.

"Oh, wow!" he gasped, barely managing to swallow it down. "I don't think I was supposed to drink that!"

With an indescribable noise he doubled over and puked, a literal rainbow of light spewing out of his mouth and pooling on the ground. The mound quivered until he was done before rising up on its own; it began to twist and morph into a vaguely quadrupedal form, developing a pink translucent exoskeleton. As Leon and Iven watched in mute horror the creature opened its eyes, looking for all the world like a pony made of diamonds.

"Butt Stallion?"

The abomination reared up and neighed, then crashed through the wall and galloped away to parts unknown.

"I know what you're thinking," said the apothecary. "Did I hallucinate that? And the truth is…"

He trailed off dramatically, his head slamming into the counter as he began to snore. Leon and Iven swapped looks and slipped out. There was no sign of the Butt Stallion.

"Well, now what?" wondered Iven. "Neither of us are really equipped to go adventuring, and everyone else is either grounded or at work… Leon?"

The black wolfdog trotted around the apothecary's shop, crossing the bridge into Avrum Market. Iven struggled to keep up with him, eventually realising that he was planning on leaving the city entirely.

"Leo… Huan! You can't possibly be thinking of killing one of those things! You're a dog!"

"I identify as a wolfdog," Leon insisted. "And trust me. These things die super easily if you dump them in water."

"I can't understand you, Huan!"

Leon sighed, then suddenly acted as if saw something over Iven's shoulder. "What's that over there?"

"What?" Iven looked, but saw nothing there. "I don't see anything." By the time he turned back, Leon had already run off at top speeds toward the city gate. "Oh, come on!" He picked up the axe and attempted to throw it after him, but it just flopped weakly onto the pavement. "Well, I guess you're staying here with me then."

The axe hummed in shared embarrassment.

Despite all his hang ups over his current form, Leon found he enjoyed running. It felt good to fly through air on all fours, to let his tongue loll comically from the corner of his mouth as he panted in the way that dogs do. In ways it felt more natural than when he was a human, and it took a while before he realised that it was the absence of Zola's whip marks that he felt. As a human they had been a constant source of pain and discomfort, and it felt unbelievably freeing to have them gone.

He left the city gates at fantastic speeds, blowing the papers off the Great Ragneli's desk as he went past. He remembered where to find the salamanka - who emerged into the surface world through a vent leading up from a volcanic level of the dungeon - and set off on the western road. It took him in the opposite direction to Zane's camp, which was unfortunate: he would have enjoyed running through his camp at top speeds and scaring the crap out of his men.

The area he was looking for was hilly and devoid of civilization, with the occasional monster that had escaped the dungeon through undiscovered tunnels and managed to avoid the Holfort military patrols. Specifically, he was looking for an obscure lake fed by underground waterways, which kept it populated by hungry aquatic monsters. The plan was to knock a salamanka into the water, causing it to die of shock from the sudden temperature change. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to retrieve the tongue, but he was sure he could come up with something.

Nothing really prepared him for what he found.

A series of creatures were gathered around the rim of the lake; some of them were monstrous fish poking their nose out of the water, while the rest were car sized lizards and crustaceans gathered along the shore. They were all looking at the colossal sea monster at the centre of the lake, which resembled a bizarre cross between a whale and a serpent. Its back was covered in yellow-green scales, while its chest was a carpet of golden fur. Its huge, flat tail slowly flopped in and out of the water, while two frontal flippers were visible as it reared out of the water.

Leon knew what it was as soon as he saw its face: its teeth were like jagged pegs, and it had two incredibly long, incredibly thick horns protruding from its forehead, one of which was so large it covered its right eye. Leon knew what it was, because he had seen it before in a totally different game. It acted as the final boss in the third game of its home series, where it caused earthquakes in an attempt to remove the horn causing immense pain in its right eye.

Its name was Ceadeus, the Shining Giant of the Depths.

For a moment Leon just stared. What was an Elder Dragon from Monster Hunter doing in a third rate dating sim like this?

And why was it singing?

"Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Shortnin'

Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Bread!

Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Shortnin'

Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Bread!"

The Ceadeus had an extraordinary operatic baritone. Some of the lizards on the shore began bobbing their heads in time with the tune, making a sound akin to bells.

"Two little chillun!

Layin' in bed!

One of em sick

And the other most dead!

Called for the doctor,

The doctor said;"

The Ceadeus took a massive breath before belting out the next line.

"Feeeeeed dem chillun ooooon Shortnin' Bread!"

Some of the lizards began cheerfully clapping their front feet along with the tune. Leon began absentmindedly bobbing his head along to the song.

"Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Shortnin'

Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Bread!

Mama's little baby loves Shortnin' Shortniiiiiin'

Mama's little baby loves Shortniiiiiin' Breaaaaaaad!"

The audience went wild, and Leon realised that he could understand everything they were saying. In retrospect he had understood Caesar, the Head Taker and the Ceadeus itself, so this probably shouldn't have surprised him.

"Thank you, thank you," the Ceadeus bowed. He sounded like an old school American actor, like the sort that appeared in old black and white movies. The sun had already been low when he had woken up in Olivia's hideaway, and by now the sky had entered a full twilight that dramatically backlit the sea monster as he basked in his applause. "You're too kind."

Leon tried to clap, but failed miserably: he had gotten so into the performance that he had forgotten he no longer had hands… hang on a sec. Hang on a sec! "Was this what that thing was talking about?" Leon wondered aloud, referring to the spirit that had given him his Strongarm ability. "Was this what he meant when he mentioned eating without hands? Did that smug purple dildo know I was going to be turned into a dog the entire time?"

Obviously the Ceadeus heard him, swinging his massive head to glower at him with his one visible eye. The other monsters either dove back into the water or moved to surround him; a little intimidated, Leon's tail sank between his legs. "You're off the beaten path, son," the Elder Dragon growled. "Why don't you go back to your human overlords like a good little boy."

"Uh…" Leon looked nervously at the belligerent lizards, his ears flattening against his head. "I liked your singing. You're very talented."

"Thanks," said the Ceadeus begrudgingly. "I have three uvulas, so I can sing in three different voices."

"That's pretty cool."

"So why are you here?" The Ceadeus gave him a measuring look; Leon was acutely aware that its Monster Hunter counterpart could shoot high pressure water blasts from its mouth. That kind of force would scatter him across the countryside for miles. "We don't get a lot of mammals around here."

"Well, you see… T-The truth is I'm… I'm looking for something. Something that I understand lives in the hills around here."

The Ceadeus gave him a long, suspicious look. "Would this something be an ally? Or an adversary?"

Leon cringed, but decided honesty was probably the best policy. "Adversary. I, uh, want to rip out its tongue."

He instantly realised he could have phrased that better. The monsters had started backing away, and even the Ceadeus looked a little taken aback. "I see…" he said, in the tone of someone who actually didn't. "Can you tell me what this creature looks like?"

"Like a big red lizard, like…" Leon held up a paw for reference. "This high. Spits fireballs. Super weak to ice. Dies instantly in water. Ring any bells?"

As if someone had flipped a switch, the sea monster's entire demeanour changed. "Well why didn't you say so? We hate those guys!"

The other monsters began cheering and patting him on the back, a few of the more forward ones trying to lick his face. "Excuse me?"

"You meant the salamanka, yes?" the Ceadeus clarified. "Hate them, the miserable bastards. Worthless fume-huffing lava-eaters!"

"They keep stealing our eggs!" claimed one of the lizards. A few other members of its species and a few of the crustaceans made noses of agreement. "If we leave younglings in our nests then they kill them before they leave! They don't even eat them!"

"Seriously?" Leon blinked. "But aren't they from a totally different ecosystem? Why would they steal eggs when they haven't evolved to hunt them?"

"Because they're dicks!"

"Here's an idea," offered the Ceadeus. "Why don't you spend the night guarding the nests. They come by almost every night, so you should catch one in no time!"

Leon wagged his tail at the idea. "Are you sure that would be okay?"

"Of course! I'd do it myself, but I'd probably wipe out the entire nest in the process. Guys why don't you show… I'm sorry, what was your name again?"

"My name is… Huan," Leon said, coming dangerously close to saying his real name. "It's nice to meet you."

"Likewise," nodded the Ceadeus. "My name is Edward, but you can call me Eddy." He turned to his audience. "Fellas, bring Huan here to the nest! We're going to catch some egg stealers!"

There was a great cheer from the crowd, which dissolved into a conga line of celebrating critters that led Leon all the way to their nests. They had clearly been congregating together for security, clustering their dwellings together in a small cave near the shore. Leon remained on the beach, at first uncertain as to what he should do with himself.

"So how do they get them, exactly? Salamanka die on contact with water, so they definitely aren't swimming to them."

"They just walk in and take them," admitted the lizard. "We have no other place to keep them. We actually started laying here because it was so much safer than keeping them down in the caves, and now we can't go back because the Lagiacrus took over our spot."

"Damn. Unlucky." A few tiny crabs sidled up to him and nipped at his toes until their parents shooed them away.

"Do you think you can sniff them out?" the lizard asked curiously. "Aren't mammals quite good at tracking on land?"

Leon noticed that she used the word Mammals the way some humans said Your People. "Maybe," he hedged. While he hadn't tried tracking anything yet, he had to admit to a heightened sense of smell. "Do you have anything with their smell on it?"

"We have the remains of the last nest they destroyed, if that counts." The lizard led him through the cave, where various families of monsters were huddling together as they waited for night to fall. Some of the younger ones were crying, while their parents comforted or shushed them.

Several of the nests had been destroyed, their different materials and shapes telling him that they belonged to different species. He sniffed at the different shades of blood that stained the floor and walls around them; each one was immediately imprinted in his mind, allowing him mentally compartmentalise which sample belonged to which animal with bizarre accuracy. When he was done he checked the bedding itself, searching for something out of place.

He knew when he recognised rotten eggs that he had the salamanka's scent. It made sense that something that bred in magma would reek of sulphur. As soon as he acknowledged the importance of the smell he became hyper aware of it, and was able to see the exact route the salamanka had taken through the cave in a way that vaguely resembled Detective Mode from the Arkham games.

He could see, in his mind's eye, every salamanka for miles. "They're heading this way," he whispered. "Guys, they're heading this way! Get the children inside!"

Leon ran outside as the community began herding its children to safety, not entirely sure what he was planning to do. Fighting as a dog and fighting as a man were two very different beasts. Also he was a dog, and a mundane canine couldn't do much against a supernatural fire lizard.

All the infants were inside by the time the first blips on his radar reached the lake. The red lizards had slim bodies that contrasted with their broad shoulders and hips, with large, backward facing spikes protruding from the joint of each leg. Their long tails and clawed feet were webbed - presumably to facilitate swimming in magma - while their tusked faces reminded him of reptilian Bulldogs. They poured from the trees until there was about thirty of them, all of whom could probably kill him with ease.

Leon closed his eyes and swore. He had been too desperate to be useful. All he had done was prove how useless he was. Maybe it was for the best if he let the salamanka kill him, before he screwed up the plot any further.

"And who are you?" asked the head of the pack. "I haven't seen you around here before."

"I'm Huan," said Leon nervously. The aquatic monsters watched from the safety of their cave, while Eddy the Ceadeus discreetly poked his head just far enough above the water that he could see what was going on. "I… I'd like you to stop, please."

The creatures exchanged mystified looks. "Stop what?" the leader asked. Leon gathered his courage and clenched his butt cheeks.

"I'd like you to leave these eggs alone," he rushed out. "You guys come from the dungeon, right? Somewhere filled with lava shouldn't have any creatures who lay their eggs near water, so they shouldn't be something you usually eat as part of your diet. That means you can stop any time you want to."

Leon suppressed a whimper. Any fool could hear the panic in his voice. He asked himself what Olivia would do.

"Don't you all have eggs and children of your own? Wouldn't you also feel sad if anything happened to them?"

His voice cracked as he said the words. Leon cursed himself, asking how a mere mob character could possibly imitate the protagonist. Unfortunately, his delivery was nowhere near his biggest problem. He was - to use a contextually racist term - barking up the wrong tree.

"We just enjoy hurting people," the leader explained. For a moment Leon just stared blankly.

"What… What did you…"

"Honestly, we don't even eat them," the salamanka continued. "We just smash them up." There were sounds of horror behind him, intermingled with wails of grief from the parents of the lost eggs. "Knowing that somewhere, someone is in pain because of us brings us great joy."

There was something intensely eerie about the creature's voice as it spoke. It maintained a tone of chilling calm, without any emotion at all. Leon could absolutely believe that this was the voice of a maniac; every hair on his body stood on end at the unnerving sound.

"That's why you've been hunting us?" The new voice came from around Leon's feet; when he looked down he saw a tiny crablike creature with a large grey shell. It was cavorting from side to side beneath him, snapping its claws aggressively at the red lizards. "You murdered my brothers and sisters for a reason like that? How could… How could you? HOW COULD YOU!"

"Canta!" screamed the child's mother behind him. "Get back here right now!"

"Ah," the salamanka observed. "A child." With the general air of someone spitting out a watermelon seed, he spat a fireball at Leon's feet.

In that moment there wasn't a thought in Leon's head. He saw the danger coming and instinct took over; without conscious thought he threw himself on the ground, curling around the infant and placing as much of his body as he could between it and the fireball. It exploded against him like a bomb, and for an instant the watching monsters couldn't see him for the flames.

Slowly, Leon raised his head and looked around. His ears were ringing from the explosion, but otherwise he felt fine. "Was that it?"

His shaggy body was completely unharmed; a small semicircle had been burnt into the ground around him, accurately showing the fireball's blast radius. It seemed unlikely that the salamanka were weak, so…

"What the deuce?" The entire pack began to spit fireballs until they flew toward him like a meteor shower, but they did about as much damage to him as a soap bubble. The first few made Leon flinch and the loud noises hurt his ears, but after his brain acknowledged they were harmless he found he could ignore them.

Leon looked down at the little crab. He seemed terrified. "Hey kid, can you move?"

"I-I think so," stammered Canta. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to make my way over to your parents," explained Leon, nodding at the terrified onlookers for emphasis. "I want you to come with me, and I want you to use me as a shield until we get there. Can you do that for me?"

"Yeah!" The crab snapped its claws in a facsimile of a double fist pump. "Let's do this!"

"Wait!" Leon slammed his paw down in the crab's path before he could run off. "Make sure you stay behind me. If you get caught in that then there won't even be ashes left."

Apparently, Canta was having trouble hearing him over the explosions. "What?"

Leon raised. "I said make sure you stay behind me!"

"What?"

"I said make sure you- WILL YOU GUYS KNOCK IT OFF!"

Every living thing for miles in all directions - human, animal and monster alike - either threw themselves to the ground or fled. The unbelievable sound filled each and every one of them with the same awful certainty: that the sound they had heard was an apex predator. That there was no escape.

Naturally, Leon did not know this. All he knew was that the salvo of fireballs had been temporarily shocked into silence. "I said make sure to stay behind me. Is that clear!"

"Okay!" Canta squeaked. "Yes sir!"

Leon looked over his shoulder, but the salamanka were just standing there in shocked silence. At first he made an effort to worm his way across the ground so as to protect the child, but when it became clear that they weren't going to resume their attack he gave up and walked normally. "Here you go," he said to the crab's mother, wishing he had lips to smile with as they reunited. "Safe and sound."

"How did you do that?" the mother asked. Leon naively assumed she was talking about his immunity to explosions.

"I have no idea," he admitted. "Maybe I'm not really a dog. Maybe I'm like a… like a fairy dog or something."

Canta couldn't express much emotion with his beady little crab eyes, but if he could then they would have been full of hero worship. "So does this mean you can beat them up?"

Leon cocked his head cutely. "You know what? That is a very good question."

The legion of red lizards backed away as he turned around, baring his fangs in a terrifying grin. Their ranks broke as he loped toward them, sinking his teeth into their leader's throat.

The salamanka's scales - which were tough enough to be used as material for shields and armour - bent around Leon fangs like chewing gum. The sadistic asshole screamed in pain as his blood spurted from the wound like sticky black tar, and despite his superior size he was flung back and forth as Leon shook him in his jaws. He tasted, weirdly, like cinder toffee.

Leon placed his paw on the salamanka's back, tearing him in half in a shower of gore. He expected to feel some sort of guilt at killing a sapient creature, but the lizard had been such an unfeeling stone cold monster that he actually felt quite good about himself.

Leon spat out the salamanka's torso as its body dissolved into black vapour. "This must be how Uncle felt when he murdered Sonic the Hedgehog," he remarked, before slaughtering the lizards like a fox amongst chickens.

The salamanka were as helpless before him as their former victims had been before themselves, squealing like pigs and fleeing in all directions. Leon found that fighting on four legs came surprisingly easy to him, using his massive paws, strong kicks and sharp claws to rack up just as many kills as his vicious bite. After a few minutes of furious violence it was over, and every salamanka that hadn't fled was smeared across the ground.

"It is weird how good they tasted," Leon remarked, licking his chops clean of viscera. He wasn't fully clear on the effects of monster meat on his digestive system, as they generally evaporated into vapour before it was possible to cook them. Presumably they would dissolve in his stomach and be burped out later, like carbonated meat. "Do you think that did the trick?"

The aquatic monsters didn't respond, as they were too busy cowering in fear.

"Guys?"

Eddy raised his massive, horned head above the waters, fixing Leon with his sole visible eye. "Are you sure you're really a dog?"

"Honestly, I'm as surprised as you are." He suddenly realised that he had forgotten his original objective. "Ah, crap! How am I supposed to take their tongues now?" While it was possible to harvest the body parts of monsters, it had to be done while they were still alive; otherwise, the materials would disintegrate along with the body. It hadn't occurred to him earlier, but now that he knew monsters were fully sapient it seemed a little macabre.

"There's plenty more where they came from," snorted Eddy dismissively. "Well, whatever you are, you have my thanks. I don't think they'll be coming back anytime soon…" He trailed off, peering over Leon's shoulder into the trees. "What the hell is that?"

By now Leon could smell it: it was like the salamanka but bigger, and he could already hear the sound of trees being violently shattered and uprooted as whatever it was trundled towards the lake. "That can't be good."

The salamanka that crashed through the tree line was almost as big as a Ceadeus, its massive body towering over the wolfdog as it glowered down at him with its orange, reptilian eyes. A fan of armour plating like that of a triceratops protected its neck, covered extensively in bone spikes. The boss - because that could only be what it was - opened its mouth to speak, revealing it had only three teeth: one in the middle of its lower jaw, and two where its upper canines should be.

"Which one of you woke me?" it demanded. "Which one of you barked so arrogantly? Which one of you declared yourselves the ruler of my domain?"

Entirely without thinking, everyone looked at Leon. "Uh…"

The giant salamanka puked fire at him in a scorching waterfall; while it didn't hurt him, he immediately began to suffocate as the air burned away. Leon blindly stumbled away from the inferno and fled the scene, coughing and hacking as his eyes streamed. The kaiju lumbered after him, annihilating everything in its path and spitting colossal fireballs at him as he ran.

"You're going to start a goddamn forest fire!" Leon shouted over his shoulder. "Knock that shit off!"

The behemoth contemptuously snorted smoke from its nose. "As if the opinion of a mammal would matter to me!"

Something in the way the sentence was phrased made it sound like the most racist thing he had ever heard. "What the hell is wrong with being a mammal?"

The greenery abruptly gave way to a blackened wasteland, which was small enough that Leon could see the trees surrounding. The wasteland was split down the middle by a great crack in the earth, which the salamanka had presumably been using to escape the dungeon.

Dozens of the smaller lizards emerged from the dirt, firing fireball after fireball that he was forced to dodge for fear of suffocating. Too late, he realised that they were herding him towards the chasm.

In a gap in the mayhem he looked up, only to see that the giant salamanka had caught him. It loomed over him, covering him in its shadow like a dark cloud. Mere feet behind him was the yawning chasm, reaching deep into the dungeon to a pit of churning magma. It was the same level of the dungeon into which he had dumped the UnFae horde the previous day.

"Let it be known," snarled the boss. "That I brook no challengers. Not from you. Not from the Elder Dragon. Not from anyone." It dug its massive claws into the ground, causing the rock beneath Leon's feet to crumble. He realised that the rim of the chasm was collapsing, and that the monster was trying to cast him into the dungeon. "Perish."

Leon yelped as the ground fell away beneath his feet, dropping him into the pit. He spun helplessly through the air, and was able to catch glimpses of huge lava dragons diving through the magma below. When he hit the molten rock he felt the air whoosh out of his lungs, even if it didn't actually burn him or hurt in any way. Although he managed to struggle upright the goopy substance began to suck him in like quicksand.

As he panicked and thrashed his legs were sucked under, quickly followed by his body. His head was the last to go, his eyes scrunching shut as they were covered. Leon raised the tip of his snout as high in the air as could, hoping desperately for a few precious seconds.

There was no thought. There were no clever ideas. There was only blind, hysterical panic. Then, when the magma flooded his nostrils and his body was completely submerged, Leon kicked upward in a last act of desperation.

The lake of lava exploded, as though some new volcano had gone off in the middle. Leon gasped for air as he stood up, the magma now lapping at his ankles as his feet rested reassuringly on the bottom. Out of sheer canine instinct he shook himself clean, sending clumps of lava flying off his fur in all directions.

It wasn't until he noticed the lava dragons and other monsters - now tiny - attacking his legs ineffectually that Leon realised what had happened. He had changed his size. Enormously so.

He looked up, and saw the alarmed face of the giant salamanka peering down at him through chasm's mouth. Resting briefly on his haunches, Leon launched himself vertically through the air: as the lizard ducked backward he hooked his front legs on the lip, scrabbling briefly for purchase before hauling himself back into the open air.

The boss no longer seemed so invincible, craning its neck back to look at him.

"It's official," Leon declared. "I am not, in fact, a dog!"

He shrank and grew himself in rapid succession, just to see if he could. It was brain melting to watch.

"Worthless hairball!" screamed the salamanka, continuing to be racist. "You cannot defeat me with such parlour tricks!" It bit his leg, mildly surprising him.

"Gah! What the-" Its toothless mouth feeling exceptionally gross against his fur, Leon grabbed the salamanka's tail in his jaws; with a twist of his neck he yanked the lizard off his leg, spinning it through the air and sending it flying to the other end of the wasteland. "Please don't do that again!"

The salamanka heaved itself to its feet, glowering at him as a red light shone in its chest. "Insolent cur!" it spat, which also felt racist now that he thought about it. "Survive this!"

A concentrated beam of red fury burst from its mouth; Leon considered dodging, but knew that the cave full of aquatic monsters was somewhere behind him. The blast hit him in the side, and the sheer force actually made him skid backward across the dirt.

"Oh damn! That actually hurts a little!" The smell of burning hair filled his nostrils as the beam cooked his side, pinning him in place so he couldn't defend himself.

Then, with a draconic roar, Eddy appeared: the Ceadeus erupted from the river that flowed around the wasteland, glaring furiously at the giant salamanka. "This is for the children!"

A burst of high pressure water erupted from his jaws, hitting the red lizard and sending it flying. Leon's knees sagged slightly as the onslaught stopped; he looked at his side, where a hole of burnt flesh had been cut into his coat. It healed before his eyes, a fresh coat of fur growing over it until there was no sign he had been hurt at all.

"Okay," he whispered shakily. "Not invincible. Just durable. Good to know."

He ran at the giant salamanka with a snarl; it began to charge another blast as he approached, only for him to lunge and clamp his jaws shut around its head. The boss began to panic as it realised he had pinned its mouth shut: it thrashed and writhed as the light grew within its chest, until finally it could be held back no longer.

Their faces were blown apart by the explosion: the giant salamanka's face was torn apart by the blast, while Leon was unhurt but left with an unpleasant taste in his mouth. "Bleh!" he gagged. "Nasty!"

He pinned the screaming monster to the ground with one paw, fastening his jaws around its chest. Howling through its ruined face, it was still able to meet his eyes before the end. "Why are you doing this?" it sobbed. "They were just children!"

The last shreds of doubt left his mind: with a snarl, Leon tore the boss monster in half. Its back end remained pinned under his foot as its front was torn away, screaming in agony as he shook it between his jaws. As it finally died and began to disintegrate Leon spat it out, his heart pounding in his chest from the rush of battle. Without conscious thought, he threw back his head and howled.

Like a great wave, the trees around him bent away from him as they shook in the wind. A great ripple went outwards on the ocean down below, and every lit flame in the entire kingdom went out at once. Much like when he barked earlier, there was a great cowering among the living things that heard the noise: this time, however, only creatures that were evil or malicious felt the urge to flee in terror, while anything good and innocent felt an uplifting, victorious rush bubble up from within.

On a balcony at the top of a high tower in the Holfort palace, Mylene, Olivia and Erica were having a tea party. They sat and stared at the colossal wolfdog, who they could see towering above the tree line even at this distance.

"Are dogs supposed to do that?" Olivia asked quietly. "No?"

Eventually Leon lowered his head, a little out of breath from the long howl. "That was cool and all," said Eddy dryly. "But I'm actually stuck. Could you help me back to the river?"

"Right. Sorry."

Quest: The Salamanka's Tongue

Basically the same as you see here: in the original Summoner, Joseph is asked by A Beggar With No Eyes to retrieve them from the apothecary, who proposes a trade. Not gonna lie, but of all the dumb side characters I've crammed into this thing, I think the apothecary might be my favourite. If there are any fellow fanfiction writers in the audience: feel free to use him! The Giant Salamanka has nothing to do with the quest, but acts as a boss during an unrelated encounter involving a secretive sect of dwarven ninjas.

And before you ask: yes, the dwarven ninja will be appearing later.

Side note: Ceadeus and his characterisation is based off an animation by Tea Common Shark, which is in turn based off Willie the Operatic Whale from The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met from the Disney anthology film Make Mine Music. Willie the Whale is voiced by Nelson Eddy, who of course Ceadeus is named after. I had the bright idea of looking him up on YouTube and basing Ceadeus' speech patterns on how he talked, but the only example I could find was an interview about the loss of his wife.

Manly tears were shed.

Expect kaiju battles with other Elder Dragons in future chapters. And in case you haven't gotten it by now, this whole subplot with Leon turning into a dog is a reference to a dog from the Silmarilion. He beat the absolute SNOT out of Sauron, and humiliated him so badly that every vampire and werewolf in Middle-earth died on the spot. That's why none appeared in Lord of the Rings.

The dog's name, incidentally, was Huan. Truly, the goodest of boys.