My standard afternoon greeting upon entering the student council room is returned in the polite manner it always is, although I'm met by a suspicious scene. That in itself is nothing new, but what strikes this time as being extra-odd is that Suzu, the human 10-digit calculator, is using a calculator. That's got to mean that whatever Shino and Aria are snickering to themselves about is significantly more shocking than usual. They're both huddled closely at the table looking at something on Shino's phone. Ignoring this, I take my seat and pull out everything needed to do my math homework. I came here before day's end to get a head start on it since the library's so full. With enough luck, I'll be able to just zone any foolishness out.
Some time passes, and Shino and Aria's conversation mostly goes in one ear and out the other. This allows me to make more progress with my homework than expected. I might be able to finish this before heading home. Yet, at the same time, my brain unintentionally pieces together snippets of the conversation in question, and things slowly begin forming into a concept that I'm actively trying to repress.
"Why can't camera phone recordings be better quality?" I hear Aria whisper.
Shino sighs. "I know. It's infuriating sometimes."
"Wait, go back a few seconds. Right there. See what I mean?"
"Whoa! You're right. That really captures the cheeks and nose a lot better on Jiro."
"If only Jiro would look like him regardless of angle. Hidetada is flawless, though."
"Yeah, his resemblance is uncanny no matter which direction he's looking. I will say that both of their bodies are close enough. Especially the abs."
"Especially the abs. You know, this makes me want to learn how to use that AI program they've been talking about on the news."
"That face-swapping thing they use for idols?"
"Exactly!"
"Oh, my God. Could you imagine the possibilities?" They both squeal, yet at least with some measure of courtesy. "I've heard that it works best if all the models look like each other to begin with, so maybe we really could make this a reality! But how would we even start?"
"We'd have to figure out how to rip video from a Blu-ray and then transfer it to a computer, wouldn't we?"
"You're talking about piracy, Aria! Even if it's for the sake of self-indulgence, that would be illegal!"
"Oh, my!" Aria hums, taking a moment to think carefully. "Well, how about this, then? Would it still count as piracy if we own the source product? The Blu-rays are ours, after all."
"I see. Yes, that totally works!" Shino then sighs. "I just wish I wasn't so bad with computers."
"Same here. Hey, what if we ask somebody for help? Like Suzu's friend, Nene? She's a master with all kinds of technological stuff!"
"Not a bad idea, but I'm worried that the more girls we bring in, the riskier this is just going to get in general. Not to mention we'd have to share the Blu-rays with them, too."
"But that's under the assumption that Nene has triggered a flag. She hasn't, has she?"
"Good question. Is it worth the gamble, though? I mean, we already have to start rotating between four people."
"That's right. Uomi is in on this now to keep her from spilling the beans."
"Yeah." Shino groans. "But it was for a perfectly sensible reason." Man, I really felt that one. It's because of me that Uomi found out they won the Blu-rays. Shino was upset, at first, but when I explained the circumstances of how close Uomi got to sticking her tongue down Takatoshi's throat, she actually thanked me. Still, it almost feels like I sold out an ally to the enemy.
"Anyways, you do have a point, Shino," says Aria. "Maybe we should just forget the whole face-swapping idea."
All right, I am still trying to push out their conversation, but that particular bit is really gnawing at me. Why would face-swapping be considered at all here? They've already gotten their hands on what's basically uncensored porn, so that should be mission complete for them, right? I must admit that this is tugging at my curiosity. However, what reins me in is the look on Suzu's face whenever I glance up at her hoping for some sort of clue. I've noticed that her distress intensifies the more Shino and Aria talk, causing her focus on her own math homework to gradually falter. Now, Suzu was presumably here at the beginning, and something broke her. If it was enough to stupefy a more seasoned Grumbler like her, then I would do best to remain in as much ignorance as possible.
"Shino, what's your take on their ****s, by the way? Do you think they look like his?"
"I can't compare it to something I've never seen before."
Nope. Definitely not listening anymore. Okay, f(x) = 4sin(x) * cos(x). The amplitude is, uh . . .
"Uomi!" No, that's not right.
"What about her, Aria?" Yeah.
"Maybe she knows, Shino." Knows what? Wait.
"She told me she tries to regularly, but always fails." Stop listening, ears. I order you.
"Kotomi has seen it for sure, though, right?"
"She kind of described it to me a couple of times."
"Good! Then she can definitely confirm it." I'm starting to put two and two together.
"But she's probably still in class right now." And I don't like where this is going.
"Then how about we ask . . ." Feeling their eyes on me now.
"Aria, no!" Here it comes.
"Hey, Artoria?" Crap.
Disregarding the fact that they made me break the tip of my pencil, I look up with an attempted grin. "Yes, Aria?"
"Have you seen Tsuda's **** yet?" All smiles, and no hesitation. The upper half of my now-snapped pencil falls to the floor. I'm vaguely aware of hearing it roll away.
I really don't know how to answer here. That 'yet' part is throwing me for a loop. If I simply say no, that implies 'no, not yet.' If I ask any variation of why, that'd be like pumping these two's imaginations full of steroids. If I reply with offense, a part of me can't help but feel like I'd just be kicking my best friend in the nuts in addition to pumping these two's imaginations full of steroids.
"That's an awfully forward question, don't you think?" Far from ideal, but it's all I had.
"I only ask because you're living in the same house, is all. Considering that Kotomi lives with him and has managed to see his ****, I figured you might've gotten the honor to, yourself." Logic sure is funny when applied to madness.
Face-swapping, Marauder Maiden, Takatoshi, and wieners. Now, it's obvious what's really going on here at this point, but I'd prefer to secure some proof before continuing. But how? Ah, I know. It's something I remember Shino muttering just a few weeks ago. "Hidetada and Jiro, oh my," I say lowly. At this, Shino's outward calmness is betrayed by the fact that she starts quivering. That's all I need to confirm my suspicion. "So, that's the reason why you guys wanted those Blu-rays so much!"
Shino freezes. The smile on her face is still there, but its luster is as gone as the light in her eyes. "No, of course not!" She's all stutters. "Don't be silly, Pendragon. You're making it sound as if I have a crush on him, or something!"
"Him?" My eyes narrow with a smidgen of mischief. "Who's him, exactly? Who do you have a crush on?"
"Tsuda!" Shino goes pale at her own declaration. I know she's not dumb. President Amakusa is top in her class across all subjects. I'm certain she realized that she fell for my elementary-level wordplay. Now, I normally wouldn't do this, but I so very rarely get the opportunity to make Shino squirm rather than the other way around. I'll take what wins I can get here, because there's a reason why Aria remains undefeated.
Speaking of Aria, she giggles to chime in. "That was my reason," she admits. "I wanted the Blu-rays because watching Tsuda dominating Tsuda is my new fetish."
"There, you see? If anybody's in love with Tsuda, it's Aria! Not me!" At this, Aria gives a playful shrug. "That settles it, then. No more speculation is needed, I assure you. I'm only doing this to help her out!" Shino, you are in such absolute, tremendous denial. At least Aria is honest about it. Or maybe 'open' is more accurate, as I'm still not entirely convinced that Aria's fascination with Takatoshi extends beyond molding him into her own personal love-slave. Hell, she proudly brought in a freakin' push-up bra designed for testicles for Takatoshi this morning. Suzu and I were the only ones in the room at the time, so we had to play rock-paper-scissors to decide who had to confiscate it. I lost.
Aria suddenly gasps. "Where are our manners?" she says, taking the phone from Shino. "It's absolutely incredible how much Hidetada and Jiro look like Tsuda. Even Suzu agreed! Here, Artoria. See for yourself!"
Okay. Red flag. And not the kind for triggering romance, either. It's just for decency's sake. I mean, let's be real here: I'm certainly not opposed to admiring the male form. It's just that there's a time and a place for doing so, and it most definitely is not in broad daylight on school grounds. Besides, I'm pretty sure that the two naked Takatoshi-doppelgangers on that screen, who may or may not be in the midst of what I'm telling myself is acted intercourse, are what broke Suzu in the first place.
Before Aria turns the screen around to show me, I gently grab her wrist, and then guide the phone back towards Shino, who snatches it. "Thank you, Pendragon," she says. "All right, then. I suppose that's enough of this for one afternoon."
The door opens. The room goes silent. Vice President Takatoshi Tsuda is now standing there, seemingly none the wiser. He begins studying the scene in the same way that I study the other three. One is simply beaming. The other is red-faced, scared, and also still holding up her phone. And then we have poor Suzu. As innocent as she's been in all of this, her expression looks as guilty as Shino's does.
After a modicum of clarity creeps back into the room, Takatoshi asks, "Enough of what?"
"Nothing, Tsuda," says Shino. She clears her throat and deftly assumes her usual crossed-arms stance to hide her phone beneath her armpit. "More importantly, you're late for our meeting. Did you xerox those drafts on your way here, like I requested?"
"Of course, Prez. And sorry for taking so long. There was a line at the copier."
As Takatoshi lays out his papers upon the table, Aria rounds Shino from behind. Shino then places both her hands down and starts pointing at the papers while voicing some opinions about how the questionnaires for the sophomore-year school trip are supposed to be structured. The phone is nowhere to be seen.
"I still don't quite understand," says Takatoshi. "I'm sorry, Prez. It's just not clicking."
"No, it's okay, Tsuda. Let me show you what I mean." Shino leads him to the whiteboard and draws a multi-column table. Aria stands beside them with her hands behind her back, holding the phone. The scene that then unfolds leaves me in awe.
Shino and Aria spend the next minute or so finding new, creative, and increasingly absurd ways to swap the phone back and forth whenever Takatoshi switches his attention between them. He hasn't the faintest clue, and to be perfectly honest, I'm having a bit of trouble keeping track of who has the phone myself. It occurs to me that they could easily lock the phone screen and be done with it, but knowing these two, this game of keep-away is exactly that to them: a game. One for thrills and adrenaline where the stakes are simply preposterous no matter how you look at it. It never ceases to amaze me how seamlessly these two can surrender themselves to insanity one moment, return to professionalism the next, and then become dexterous maestros of sleight of hand right afterwards while maintaining a convincing act of normalcy. They could probably make a great 'ghost hunting' channel on YouTube if they wanted to. Add Suzu to the mix, and it'd be comedy gold. Speaking of Suzu, she's face-down on the table and no longer moving.
Eventually, Takatoshi requires both of their attention at the board, so Shino seizes a critical instant of stealth to make eye contact with me. She hops her brows and mouths out the word, "Catch."
What? No! We're not on the same team here! Why are you throwing it to me? Why did I catch it? Why am I looking at it? Why are Shino and Aria right? I mean — wow! Both of the young men on the screen of this phone which I am currently holding are basically the spitting image of Takatoshi Tsuda! Seriously, and holy hell! Why am I yelling all of this in my head?
I exert more effort into tearing myself from the screen than I'd ever admit; only to be met by the sly, teasing smile of Shino while Takatoshi is busy talking to Aria. I'm not sure what kind of expression is on my own face, but my cheeks feel warm, my jaw isn't shutting, and my heart feels like it's trying to burst out of my chest. I think the primary reason for why I'm currently not comatose like Suzu is because I'm King ****ing Arthur, damn it. That's right. Steady yourself, woman. You've led armies, for Christ's sake.
Then it hits me. The perfect payback short of tattling on them both to Takatoshi, which I wouldn't do since it'd just upset an already delicate balance.
The phone I'm holding in itself is not against school rules, but its contents technically count as pornography. Looking straight at the President's smirking face, I dangle the phone and mouth out the word, "Confiscated."
Shino's eyes widen. Her lips curl, and her cheeks flush. She's about to explode in Shakespearean-level protest, but in the end, her devotion to law triumphs over all. She pouts, and then uses her hand to air-write the document ID I recognize for claiming contraband, which she'll have to fill out after school. I get up to place her phone in the box we use for that stuff on the shelf, and then take my sweet time to sit back down at the table. I stare at Shino all the while, internally grinning from ear to ear while congratulating myself on a personal victory. I wonder if Suzu would be proud. When I turn to her, however, I find that her full attention is off to the side. The side I just came from, actually. She doesn't notice me staring, so I follow her gaze to confirm it. Yup. She's staring at the box. The box containing Shino's contraband. And Aria's ball cups.
When Suzu finally notices me, she closes her eyes and plays it off by tapping her stack of papers on the desk to align them. That shade of absolute red in her face, though? Not so easy to hide there, buddy. "I've been meaning to ask you, by the way," she then says while handing me an eraser and a pencil sharpener. "Why are you using beta instead of alpha to find the amplitude of that periodic function?"
I look down at my work closely. It takes me a moment to understand what she means, but once I do, it hits me hard. "Oh! You're totally right." I trade a Shino for an Aria in the double-angle formula, and voila! "The answer is two."
"Bingo."
"Suzu, it looks like I owe you one."
She sighs. "Forget I ever looked at that box, and we'll call it even." At this, we trade a tiny smile.
"Deal."
Author's Note: Credit where credit is due. This chapter was inspired by the "Overheat" segment of SYD #450, where Suzu gets so flustered by a compliment from Takatoshi that she loses focus and has to use a physical calculator.
