White Day is an unofficial holiday meant to give minor tokens of gratitude to anybody who gifted you a Valentine the month before. It sounds like such a wonderfully wholesome tradition, so when Shino, Aria, and Suzu invited me to the mall after explaining the concept, I practically jumped at the opportunity. However, I do have a fair amount of shopping in store. Aside from my friends, a ton of random girls from all three grades gave me delicious chocolates for no other reason than the fact that I'm a member of the student council. My colleagues are in the same situation, though, so I won't complain about it. Also, I'm super-thankful that Takatoshi saved the name tags of both mine and his Valentines, as I remember basically tossing the boxes and bags over my shoulder after I'd finished digging into each.
Arriving a bit early, I decide to wait outside the mall's entrance for the others. My phone then vibrates. It's a text from Aria. All I see when opening it is: (^_(O_o). Confused, I text her back asking what this emoticon is meant to be. The answer suddenly comes from feeling Aria's entire body snatching me from behind as she gleefully hollers, "Surprise butt-***!"
"I don't think I've ever seen you get startled, Pendragon," Shino says with a chuckle, rounding to my front. She places a hand on my shoulder in greeting. "With how tough you usually come off as, I have to say that you were pretty adorable just now."
"I know, right? We should do this more often." Aria shifts her suggestive embrace into a nice, proper hug before letting me go. "That little yelp was the cutest thing ever!"
"Come on, you guys," I say, laughing. "Hey, Suzu."
"Yo."
The next couple of hours go by way too fast. Despite Suzu and I occasionally having to contend with, and apologize for, the Ambiguously Gay Duo's dirty-minded shenanigans, we're still having a lot of fun shopping together. We get the hard part out of the way first: selecting individualized gifts for the girls we personally know. Before moving on to the next phase, which is figuring out a bulk of generic gifts for the girls whom we don't, we decide to break for lunch at the food court. I gladly go with the majority vote for mixed tempura bowls. I'm so hungry from having skipped breakfast to get here on time that I buy three servings for myself. Fortunately, I'm with companions who don't even bat an eye at the act. I also love that they already know I'm not exactly the talkative type when it comes to enjoying something so tasty.
"What should we get for the girls who have boyfriends?" asks Shino. "Perfume? Makeup?"
"Or maybe a bottle of pH Care," says Aria.
"Wait, even better — condoms!"
"But Shino, wouldn't condoms just exacerbate Japan's declining birth rate situation?"
"Oh. You're right, Aria. Maybe perfume and pH Care are the better choices, since they would encourage procreation instead. Although, perfume seems kind of expensive for a White Day gift, don't you think?"
"Fair point, Shino. It would end up being totally uneven, and also unfair to the girls we've already bought gifts for. What about scented hand cream, then?"
"That's a good idea."
"Scented lotions might be a good choice, too," says Suzu. "They often come in variety packs at a discount, so we can mix and match for the same price range."
Shino's eyes light up. "That's a fantastic idea, Hagimura! Lotion would encourage ****jobs, after all, which could increase the likelihood of procreation!"
"That's our Suzu for you," Aria says, applauding. "A one-eighty IQ sure comes in handy when you need it the most!"
Suzu rolls her eyes. "Yay me, and my clever ideas."
"Now for the seniors who are about to graduate. What would be useful for soon-to-be college girls?"
"How about one of those good luck keychains?" I suggest. My mouth is full at the moment, but hopefully they understood me.
"I like it, Artoria, but a single keychain might not be enough by itself." Aria then gasps. "Or wait, no! Keychains for good luck, and then we could put it together with some other stuff to make a little gift bag!"
"Yes, I see," Shino says, nodding in thought. "It would also double as a nice farewell present. What else could we add?"
"Day planners," says Suzu.
"Check."
"Water flasks," I say.
"Check."
"And finally, a razor."
"Okay, Aria, but how does that specifically pertain to a college girl? Wait, is this going back to the procreation thing?"
"You know it, Shino!"
"Perfect! I can see it now. College girl finds a boy. After a sweet and sweaty date, they're back in the dorm alone —"
"No, a love hotel!"
"A love hotel, yes! He's lying on the bed, and then she comes out of the bathroom after a really steamy shower, completely butt-naked . . ."
Aria strikes a risqué pose. "I'm all shaved from the neck down, lover. You know what that means, don't you?"
"It's baby-making time!" They both squeal animatedly.
"Either that, or he's pissed off because the drain's clogged up." All three girls turn to me, surprised. Aria and Shino then start laughing their asses off, while Suzu sneers at me in confusion. "Sorry," I say to my fellow Grumbler. "I might've forgotten whose side I was on for a second there."
Suzu chuckles, shaking her head. "We all get the occasional pass. I mean, just a couple months back, I sort of cracked a Perv joke myself concerning a . . . looseness. One that was in Aria's, uh, rear end."
"No. Eff'ing. Way. You? How does something like that even happen?"
"It had to do with going through the symptoms of hay fever. I'll tell you about it later."
I laugh at the thought alone. "All right, then. I'm going to hold you to that, Suzu."
Oh, man. There's ups and downs, but I really need to hang out with these girls more often.
