"These hundred-yen stores are filled with so much random little stuff. I wouldn't even know where to begin."
"Is this your first time in one, Artoria?"
I nod. "They don't have these on my side of town. Dude, we should've come to the outlet instead of the mall back during White Day."
"Right? It totally would've made the bulk shopping way easier."
"Eh, it's okay. There's always next year."
"Definitely. We'll set something up before then." As Aria passes by a rack, she beams. "Wow! Look at all these keychains, Artoria!"
"Whoa," is all I can say once I join Aria at her point of view. The rack is absolutely filled with plastic figurines and ornaments that seem to cater to every taste and hobby. Sports, holidays, anime, flowers, outer space, inner peace, even Unicode symbols. The list goes on. Something in the kaleidoscopic smorgasbord catches my eye, and I crouch down to pick it from its hook. It's a caricature-like face of a friendly little lion. I can't quite place my finger on why I'm digging this thing so much, but I do.
"Oh, hey. That's Lion Buddy!"
I chuckle. "Lion Buddy, huh? He some kind of cartoon character?"
"Actually, he's the mascot at Gakugaku Animal Land. He's kind of new, but he's already a hit with kids up to middle school age."
"I know we're just here to browse while waiting for the others, but I kind of want to buy this for my book bag. Wait, did we ever make a decision on that case?"
Aria frowns, shaking her head. "It's scheduled for the all-clubs meeting in May. Word is, there's already a lot of critics for it."
"Well, that sucks. I mean, I get that Ousai's pretty strict on uniform policy, and all, but having a few personalized accessories on your book bag sounds like it'd be a lot of fun."
"Oh, believe me. I'm with you there. Even though most of the seniors this year are purists, there's still a chance the proposal will gain momentum. The whole reason we're even considering it in the first place is because of all the requests in the suggestions box last semester, so that's a good sign."
I smile and return the keychain. "Don't go anywhere, Lion Buddy. I'll be back in a couple of months."
Aria crouches down beside me, studying the keychain with a thoughtful hum. "I wonder what my mom and dad would think about adding a mascot to our theme park." My jaw hits the floor. The Shichijous have a theme park? Then her phone starts ringing. She holds it up for us both to see that it's Shino calling. "I think they're here, Artoria. Hello?"
I join her out onto the promenade to begin the search for our friends. There's a fair amount of people around the outlet today, so Aria has to coordinate with Shino over the phone while I take care of the more visual scan of the crowd. Further down, we notice some girl leap up onto a cement decoration to dramatically survey the whole area like a superhero. Aria and I look at each other and laugh. Turns out that Captain Marvel over there is our very own Mutsumi Mitsuba, founder and chief of Ousai's Judo Club.
As soon as Mutsumi sees us, she grins and starts waving enthusiastically. It doesn't take long before she decides to just run up and meet us halfway. "We found you!" she cheers. Shino and Suzu jog up behind her, chuckling the same as Aria and me.
"Do you ever even walk, Mitsuba?" jokes Shino. A bashful titter is the response. We trade our greetings before Aria looks around.
"Suzu, Mitsuba? Is your friend, Nene, not here yet? Should we wait for her?"
"No need," says Suzu. "She called and told me that her family decided at the last minute to stay at her grandpa's house until Tuesday. She'll just do her school supply shopping while out of town."
"Are the Tsuda siblings really a no-show today, too?" Shino asks me. "We got their message in the group chat this morning that they couldn't make it. Anything happen?"
"Apparently, they're going to do their shopping with some friends who had nobody else to go with. Takatoshi left me a text about it. Said he would've told me in-person, but he didn't want to disturb me. They were both gone by the time I got up."
Shino smirks. "Wake up at noon again?"
"Uh, no." I look away. "It was eleven-fifty."
"I never got Takatoshi's text."
"You don't have each other's numbers, Mutsumi," says Suzu.
"Oh. R-right. So, he's really not coming?"
"Sorry, Mutsumi. Maybe he'll join us next time." I'm being as gentle as possible, but she still frowns. Aww. She really wanted to see him.
"Tsuda texted you, too, Artoria?"
I turn to Aria. "Yep."
"That's no fun. I would've expected him to leave you a hand-written note. A text just doesn't seem as personal to me."
I'm probably walking into a glass door here, but, "How come?"
"Well, I believe it's more romantic for a man to leave his companion for the night a note on the bedside the next morning. It's what they do in the movies, after all."
"We don't sleep in the same room, Aria."
She gasps. "His **** can reach your ***** from down the hall?"
"Your mouth should reach for some duct tape!" Suzu and I counter.
Mutsumi looks confused. "Artoria, the Tsudas keep a rooster in the house? And it plays with your kitty? Oh, that sounds so cute! Can I come over sometime? I'd love to watch Takatoshi's rooster play with your kitty!"
Shino nudges Aria. "Wouldn't mind watching that either."
"Sounds better than any of those chick flicks I was talking about." They both giggle to themselves.
I attempt a smile. "Oh no, Mutsumi. It's not like that. We don't have any pets."
"Huh? Then why did Shichijou —"
Suzu gently places a hand on Mutsumi's arm. "We don't have all day, you guys," she says. "Maybe we should get started, yeah?"
The next couple of hours have us store-hopping for essentials, professional and personal. Aside from the usual routine of the Grumblers having to pull back the leashes of the Pervs whenever their humor gets out of hand, Suzu and I take turns improvising innocuous explanations of such for our sole representative from the Switzerland clique. Honestly, though, it's mind-boggling how sheltered Mutsumi really is. She can gleefully go on and on about all the different 'naked wrestling' positions her parents try out, yet never make the connection that gonads are involved. It's actually kind of funny, really, and that's coming from a Grumbler. However, this does beg a bit of philosophy-chewing. Like, which of the Mitsubas does that say more about here? Do the parents leave their door open when doing the deed, or does the daughter take a quick peep for reasons unknown? That may be asking the real questions, though, which makes things a little too real, if you know what I mean. Probably just best not to think about it that much.
After exiting an arts and crafts store, we find the promenade to be emptier than when we first entered. Mutsumi visors her eyes from the sun as she looks further down. "Where'd the crowd go? It's not even four yet."
"Probably the theater," says Shino. "The movie matinee discounts start around this time, if I'm not mistaken."
"Ah, that makes sense. Early bird specials." She then raises her hand like an excited kindergartener. "Oh! I have an idea!"
Aria giggles. "What is it, Mitsuba?"
"Since we're all here, anyways, let's watch a movie together after we're done shopping!" The rest of us agree, and then of course my stomach audibly rumbles.
I smile lopsidedly at my council colleagues' knowing stares. "Maybe we should grab a bite to eat, first."
Mutsumi wraps an arm around my shoulders. "I'm with Artoria, then. Man, I'm starving!" She sticks a fist out like she's planning to absolutely kick hunger's ass. I join the pose, feigning a more puzzled expression. As childish as Mutsumi is at times, I can't deny that her energy can be infectious. And holy hell, I forgot this girl can eat as much as me. Yes.
Laughing, we head in the direction of a café that Suzu suggests. We're in the middle of joking around about the coming school year when my whole group suddenly goes stiff. Before I can even ask what's wrong, they're scrambling behind some nearby plant decor.
"Pendragon, what are you doing?" Shino whispers in a panic. "Get down! Get down!"
Befuddled, I join them immediately. We all then peek out. Across the courtyard, Takatoshi, Kotomi, and Uomi exit the train station to meet with Mori, who's waiting for them outside.
Mori greets them all joyfully. Uomi greets her with double, no triple, the joy. Like, seriously. She's got her locked in a tender embrace and is rubbing her face all over hers. Mori seems uneasy from such a dazzling display of intimacy, yet makes zero effort to stop it. Probably just used to it by now. Afterwards, Mori and Takatoshi share a surprisingly endearing smile in a surprisingly lengthy moment of silence before speaking.
"That's President Uomi from Eiryou, isn't it?" asks Mutsumi. "I've never seen those other girls before."
"The one with the pigtails is Kotomi Tsuda," says Aria.
Mutsumi's eyes bulge. "Takatoshi's married?"
"Kotomi's his little sister," I assure.
"Oh. What about that other girl, though? Is she, like, an old friend of Takatoshi's? She's talking to him so . . . warmly."
Shino gives a snide chuckle. "That would be Vice President Mori from the same school as Uomi. I'm not sure if you could really call them old friends. This is probably only the third time that Tsuda and Mori have ever seen each other."
"Well, that's not fair to postulate, President Amakusa." We all yelp to find freakin' Ranko Hata from the Newspaper Club in-between us out of nowhere.
"Hata! Where did you come from?"
"Surely, you jest, Miss Pendragon. I can smell a good scoop from half a prefecture away. Whether it be here at the outlet, or the Shichijou family's private beach."
Shino goes absolutely pink from the neck up. "Y-y-you were there?"
"Indeed, I was. And I took some very interesting, long-range candids of you, in particular, my fair President."
"You delete those pictures immediately!"
"Do not worry, Amakusa. I assure you that every face shot is censored. I still must adhere to privacy laws, after all. And it's nothing personal. A scoop is a scoop, so you can let go of my shirt collar now, please."
"Hata, what scoops are you talking about here? It's spring break! The school paper doesn't even have an audience right now!"
"That's no problem for me, Miss Hagimura. In fact, the only problem that should be considered at the moment is the oddly congenial relationship between Tsuda and Mori over there."
I join the others in turning back to the foursome across the courtyard. They're still there chatting. Despite Hata clearly trying to ruffle my group for whatever motivation only a mind like hers could concoct, I'm forced to admit that Mori is being awfully bubbly with Takatoshi.
"Why does that Mori girl seem so happy to be around him? The president said they barely know each other, right?"
"A good question, Miss Mitsuba," says Hata. "Luckily, there's a good answer for it. Tsuda and Mori are fundamentally counterparts of each other from different schools."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they're both vice presidents of a student council, both quite courteous, good-natured, good-looking, and perhaps most importantly, they're both very clever in reining in the bawdy antics of their superiors. With all those added together, Mori and our dear Tsuda are like two peas in a pod. Dare I say that one could even define them as being true soulmates!"
Shino blushes. "Soulmates?"
"She's playing you, Shino," I warn to no effect. Unfortunately, Mutsumi and Suzu are getting riled up, too. Even Aria is showing some insecurity at this point.
"There's more," says Hata. "Ever since Tsuda spent nearly two hours protecting her from the wandering hands of Miss Shichijou's maid the other day, I'd venture to hypothesize that Mori has taken quite a liking to him!"
"A liking?" screams Shino. She's so loud, she catches the foursome's attention across the courtyard, but we pull Shino down and hide before they see us. Oh, crap. That makes me an accomplice to the jealous harem's Ousai division, doesn't it?
"We'd better go." I ignore the outpour of half-hushed protests, urging them with, "Come on, you guys! This is Takatoshi's business. Not ours."
"This doesn't bother you at all?" Suzu asks.
"I mean, Takatoshi's allowed to have friends outside the Ousai Academy circle, isn't he?"
"You call that friendship?" demands Shino, pointing.
Uomi has Mori and Tsuda each by the arm, dragging them along. They're both just kind of laughing it up while maybe playfully struggling like one would do in such a situation. Kotomi is trying her best to help Uomi by pushing Takatoshi from behind. Although, she's so weak, her feet are basically skating in the same place on the floor repeatedly.
"Takatoshi's being kidnapped?" cries Mutsumi. Her face gets downright rowdy as she rolls up a sleeve. "Not on my watch."
It takes all five of us to hold her back. Damn, she's strong. With Mutsumi struggling all the way, mouth muffled by a ball gag that Aria had on her for some reason, we only manage to drag her back a few steps from our hiding spot before a voice shouts from behind us so commandingly, we all freeze in place. Hell, it even gets Hata to stop her deranged laughter mid-"hoh".
"Amakusa! Shichijou, Hagimura, and Pendragon! Mitsuba from Judo Club, and Hata from the school paper, as well!"
Shino inhales sharply. "Igarashi. W-why, hello there. Shopping for school supplies, too?"
"Auf Wiedersehen!" And just like that, Hata is gone. Jeez, man. We need to put a bell on that girl.
"You won't be getting off that easily, Hata," grumbles Kaede. She then turns back to the rest of us. "Hmph. I suppose I'd normally be quite cheerful to run into any of you outside of school . . ."
Aria smiles timidly. "Are you not?"
"What on Earth were you all staring at so suspiciously just now?"
"Krkrkrrkr kr kr krrkr!"
"Take that hideous thing off her face! And let her go!"
Now free, Mutsumi repeats herself. "Takatoshi is in trouble!"
At this, Kaede goes silent. The annoyance in her face disappears soon after. Her shopping bag hits the floor as she rushes straight for our hiding place. We join her to find that Takatoshi, Kotomi, Uomi, and Mori are now walking off deeper into the outlet in a relaxed fashion, chatting innocently.
Kaede sighs. "That's just Uomi. Who are those other two, though? And why were you all —" The click in her head is all but audible. "President Amakusa! Were you and your friends trying to spy on Tsuda simply because he's spending time with other girls?"
"You just missed it, Igarashi!" pleads Aria. "He was totally being wrestled into submission like a goat and a lonely farmer!"
Kaede grimaces. "You all were obviously invading another student's privacy. This is in clear violation of our school's rules and public morals in general."
"We're the student council, Igarashi," offers Suzu. "Since Tsuda is a colleague of ours, we were merely taking it upon ourselves to watch over one of our own."
Shino goes into her crossed arms stance. "That's right. As the student council president and vice president of a rival school, Uomi and Mori spending time alone with Tsuda should be considered an existential threat to Ousai."
"In what way, President Amakusa?" Kaede then matches Shino's pose of authority with her own. "Are you accusing Eiryou of attempting to steal Vice President Tsuda by trying to recruit him into their own student council? Or perhaps there's another, more underhanded motivation at play here?"
"No underhandedness. It's just that Aria and I are trying to protect our investment at the sperm bank!"
Kaede nearly stumbles over. "W-what?"
"Oh." Shino goes all sheepish. "What I meant to say was, we're banking on Tsuda to take over the student council after Aria and I graduate. He's worth protecting because he's our investment. You know, as in, the time we invested in training him?" She then forces a laugh.
"Okay, but where did sperm come from?" I ask, still reeling.
Aria giggles. "I like the thought of Tsuda being our investment at the sperm bank. Even though that's not how they work, it makes it sound like that, in time, the interest will accumulate to the point that there's going to be enough Tsuda to go around."
"I hope you mean enough to go around for our student council," Shino whines.
"You can't seriously be implying what I think you are! You would all willingly fight over the same man?"
Aria is taken aback by this. "How could you say such a thing, Igarashi? It's going to be a five-way relationship, of course."
Suzu shakes her head and grumbles, "Not this bit again." Again, huh? Also, wait. Did Aria say five?
Shino frowns. "But Tsuda would only be able to use two holes, remember?"
"No, wait. I've thought about this." She's thought about this? "Four girls is a perfect number for Tsuda! He has two hands . . . and two heads!"
"That's genius, Aria!"
"That's grounds for seeing a therapist," says Suzu.
Shino then looks like she has a eureka moment. "Now that you've mentioned it, Aria, that gives me an idea. We can fit two more onto the body pile at once if we include Tsuda's feet!"
"Perfect, Shino! We may need to find girls with a foot fetish, though, to square it out. Wait! Why don't we invite Igarashi and Mitsuba?"
"How about it, Mitsuba?" asks Shino eagerly.
She tilts her head. "Huh?"
"Pendragon, why are you plugging up her ears with your fingers?"
"Because Takatoshi always does this to protect her from you guys. I know he'd want me to do the same."
"Oh. Well, that's okay. We'll just invite her later!"
They both then excitedly turn to Kaede. "What about you, Igarashi?" asks Aria, all smiles. They politely wait a couple of seconds for a response that never comes. Confusion dots both of their faces.
Suzu sighs at them and the world. "Pretty sure she fainted about four body parts ago."
