The courtyard is busier than I've ever seen it. Booths and banners are making use of seemingly every free inch of space along the most traveled walkways of Ousai. Every club on campus is here. Their members call out enthusiastically towards all passers-by for a chance to start feverish sales pitches. The sprightliest among them even dash from student to student, happily handing out fliers.

"The clubs are really stepping up their game this year," says Takatoshi. "The recruiting wasn't anywhere near this crazy back when Hagimura and I first started. It's like a festival!"

Shino, who's leading from the front as always, nods and says, "Well, we've started four new clubs since Ousai went co-ed. They can't all get the lion's share of funding, so using the strategy of having the most members for extra pull makes sense."

"Not to mention that more members allow for bigger fundraisers," adds Aria.

"And there's over three-hundred freshmen suddenly ripe for the picking," I say.

"Exactly," says Uomi. "That's a lot of cherries that need popping."

Aria gasps. "This sounds like a job for Ousai's official breeding stallion!" She clutches onto Takatoshi, who then begins to pry himself from her trembling death grip in a gentle but resolute fashion. Suzu mumbles something under her breath, unsure of which issue needs addressing the most. She opts for looking up at our group's odd man out.

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask once more. President Uomi, why are you here again?"

She smiles, shrugging. "Eiryou's school year doesn't start for another week. I'm here as an observer to commemorate the recently forged bond between our fine institutions."

"That's what you told us before, sure," I say. "That doesn't really explain why you're joining us right now on our patrol, though."

Uomi gives me a sly look. "Isn't it obvious, Artoria? It's so all your brand-new students get used to seeing me on campus!"

"Ah. Of course."

"Better to get the ball rolling now instead of later."

"Speaking of balls, we haven't even addressed the other half of Uomi's proposal yet." Shino stops our walk and turns back to face us. "We have to be equal here, after all."

"What other half are you talking about?" asks Takatoshi.

"All the male freshmen! Who's going to pop their cherries?"

"I think the answer's right there, Shino," says Aria, pointing towards a fogged-up window nearby. Miss Yokoshima has her face pressed up against the glass and is hyperventilating.

Takatoshi sighs. "We'll need to keep a close eye on that one. Closer than usual, I mean."

"Oh, my. That might end up making things worse, actually. Miss Yokoshima seems like the type who likes being watched."

"Glorious voyeurism!" huff both Shino and Uomi. Sometimes, I think they're the same person in different bodies.

"You guys, please! In case you forgot, we are on duty right now."

"Yeah, Tsuda's right. Let's not make a bad first impression here." Suzu gestures towards the throngs of new students about. "Our conduct today may very well determine how the entire freshmen class views the student council for the next three years."

"Hey, what's with the first-grader?"

"Who the **** said that?" screams Suzu.

I quickly take it upon myself to be Suzu's handler for the day and hold her back. I wonder if she's aware — like, somewhere in the back of her mind — that she's sort of just making things worse by kicking her little legs in the air as she struggles to break free from the hold of a girl who's barely five-foot even. After a few more seconds of this spectacle, Suzu calms just enough that she at least stops throwing cuss words all over the place.

"She's ready to give her speech now," Takatoshi whispers to me. "You should probably let her go."

"She's still kicking, though. Remember what happened outside that karaoke bar?"

Takatoshi nods solemnly. "Trust me." As if having used a Command Seal on me, my arms go limp at his words to let Suzu free. From there, she immediately adopts her fists-on-hips pose for dominance. Oh! Good call once again, Mister Tsuda. And now we watch the fireworks.

"My name is Suzu Hagimura, the official accounting officer, and acting treasurer, of Ousai Private Academy's student council! I'm a returning student in my sophomore year who has studied overseas for the better part of my seventeen years on this planet! I'm fluent in seven languages! I have an IQ of one-hundred and eighty! My memory is eidetic! I can perform up to, and including, ten-digit calculations in my head without the use of any instruments whatsoever!" She points at the confused crowd of freshmen gathered before her. "So, my undergraduates, do you still think I'm nothing more than a child compared to you?" A pause creeps across the courtyard. It goes on and on until some smart-ass out there comes to the marvelous conclusion that there's some flames that need a-fanning.

"I didn't know Ousai had an elementary division."

"Did you not hear me say that I am seventeen years old?" screeches Suzu.

"It's the truth!" cries Uomi. She spins up beside Suzu with a flourish. "This fine young lady carries with her the full authority of your student council, and she's earned that position in every sense of the word! Not only that, but since she's your upperclassman, you all owe Suzu Hagimura here a great deal of respect!" The intention is both sweet and imposing, yet the whole display becomes dampened by the plain and simple fact that she's the only person on campus wearing the wrong uniform.

"Is she from another school?" comes a young voice from the gossiping crowd. "I should try to get my nephew into Ousai," comes another. Oh, Lord. This is just going to get worse. Takatoshi and I both turn to Shino, hoping for the best. Luckily, she's in enough of a professional state of mind to dismiss our group, and we move on. Shino, however, stays back to reintroduce her status to them all before explaining the nature of both Suzu's height and Uomi's presence in a thankfully tact manner.

Leaving the scene, we come across the sight of Kaede Igarashi and a few members of the Disciplinary Committee rushing from booth to booth. Looks like they're working double-time today, since it seems that there's no small amount of female club members trying to superfluously sweeten their sales pitches on some of the male first-years. Or hell, maybe they really are just trying out some pick-up lines on the new boys. This is Ousai, after all, so who knows for sure? Uomi has thankfully taken my place in pacifying Suzu, so I join Takatoshi and Aria in trading a look to determine if the council should intervene in Kaede's latest escapade, Operation No Touchy-Touchy. We're interrupted immediately by little Kotomi, however, who eagerly dashes up to our group.

"Hey, Taka! Sis! Artoria!" She proceeds to jump up and down around us in a circle with a stack of papers clutched to her chest. Takatoshi has to grip her by the shoulders on her next go around just to keep her in place, although it doesn't stop her from bouncing at the heels. "You guys never told me that Ousai has so many clubs!"

Takatoshi chuckles. "Which one were you thinking of joining?"

"Oh, it's so hard to choose. They all sound like they'd be tons of fun!"

"You just got to go for whichever one piques your interest the most," I suggest.

"But they all do! They really do!"

Takatoshi and I look at each other incredulously. "You don't say," he says.

"Even World History?" I ask. She nods vigorously.

"What about Biology?"

"Especially Biology, Taka!" She puffs her cheeks in defiance. "There's no reason for you guys to not believe me. I'm serious!"

"Yeah, I'm having my doubts, Kotomi. You should take Pendragon's advice. Choose the one that piques your interest the most to narrow down your choices."

"But remember what Grandma always says? You know, about how things you like a couple years from now could be completely different from before?"

Takatoshi sighs. "Well, I guess there's no harm in trying something new. If anything, you could always resign from one or two clubs before the trial week ends. Then you can try out different ones."

"I don't want to be known as that girl who keeps jumping from club to club, though."

"That's true," says Aria. "You might develop a reputation for being a club skank!"

"Is that even a thing?" counter Takatoshi and I.

Kotomi's eyes widen. "Oh, no! I wouldn't want false rumors flying around that I'm not a virgin anymore."

"They won't," we say.

"So, then. If jumping from club to club labels me as a club skank, then there's only one obvious choice to make here. The great Kotomi Tsuda is going to join . . . each and every one of them at the same time!"

"How is that different from being a club skank?" we yell.

"It's the only option!"

I facepalm simultaneously with Takatoshi. "Kotomi," he says sternly. "You couldn't even wake up on time this morning on your first day of school, and now you want to join eleven clubs at once?"

"And remember how you were still wearing your pajamas under your skirt when you finally stumbled down for breakfast?" I grab her numerous flyers and registration forms despite her resistance. "If we hadn't seen you right before we left through the door, you might've completely embarrassed yourself!"

"It's not my fault you guys didn't wait for me!"

"We're on the student council, Kotomi. We had to be here an hour early for greetings and uniform inspection at the gate."

"Besides, it's not our responsibility to keep baby-ing you. Especially not when we're all going to the strictest high school in Fuyuki together."

"Taka, don't be so mean to me!"

"It's probably not a good idea to call me Taka while we're here either. People might get around to thinking that the vice president's playing favorites or something."

Kotomi gets all moody and crosses her arms. "That is so not cool, Taka. I've always been your baby sister. I'm supposed to be your favorite."

"He's right, though," says Aria. "If you want to keep being your brother's favorite girl during your high school years, the first step is having to accept that you've got a lot of competition now!"

Kotomi gasps. "You mean this is going to be like a real-life visual novel?"

"That's exactly what I was going to say!" Aria croons with clasped hands and twinkling eyes. "This is perfect, Kotomi! It sounds like you're already familiar with the concept of the sister-slammer route. I can get started on teaching you how to stay on top of your brother more easily than I thought!"

"Yay!" She runs up to Aria. "So, what should I do first — oh?"

Takatoshi and I jump between them. "Don't learn anything from Aria!" Kotomi pouts but doesn't try to bypass our barricade.

Without warning, Uomi slinks up beside her. "Cheer up, sweetie," she whispers. "Don't forget that we still have the afterschool advantage."

"That's true, Sis! You're totally right. I don't know why I was so worried!"

"You got us there," Aria says, giggling. "I must admit that I'm a little envious of you three." And of course, she just has to look right at me when saying that last part.

I sigh. "Maybe we should go back to talking about which club Kotomi wants to join."

"Yeah," says Takatoshi. "Now's the best time to start learning about all the clubs, anyway. It's basically recruitment day, after all."

Suzu straightens her collar ribbon, now having calmed. "Indeed," she says. "Moreover, these circumstances certainly do make one wonder. Are we going to be recruiting for the council, as well?" All eyes turn to Shino, who finally rejoins our company.

"Absolutely not," she asserts. "We don't need any members on our council who would have just joined on a whim, or simply out of curiosity as a form of trial. No, we will only accept those who can seize the initiative and approach us of their own volition. That's been the way of Ousai's student council since the founding of our great academy!"

"Wasn't I forced to join on a whim?" grumbles Takatoshi.

"You're telling me," I whisper to him. "Remember, pretty much the only reason I'm on the council, too, is because Shino found out I'm living with you."

"President Amakusa!" calls a voice from the crowd. We turn to find the chief of the Newspaper Club, Ranko Hata, rushing over to us. I can feel the collective groan of half our group as she closes in. "May I trouble the student council for a few words? I'd like to have you all featured in the very first school paper of the year."

Kaede catches up a breath or so behind her. "Don't just run off when I'm in the middle of questioning you!"

"My apologies, Miss Igarashi! It's just that I've been waiting so long for the entire student council to come back together in one spot. Today's lunchtime may be extended, but it still won't last forever. This may very well be my only opportunity to conduct the interview!"

Shino crosses her arms at Hata. "Is that so? Just fess up, Hata. What senseless mayhem are you trying to stir up this time?"

"What's with all this unfounded hostility and suspicion, my fair President? This is going to be for a completely innocuous newspaper article, I assure you!" She forces out a laugh, then cuts herself short while holding up a notepad. "Since you all were the most popular topics of discussion across Ousai last year, I've decided to capitalize on this continuing trend by introducing a new series for the school paper. It'll center on the student council, as well as all of your most regular affiliates. So basically, Tsuda's harem."

Eight gasps of varying authenticity. "Excuse you?" exclaims Shino.

"Circle!" Hata says quickly. "All those within the student council's circle! Circle of influence. That's what I meant to say, of course."

I turn to Takatoshi and whisper, "You ever notice that Hata always gives away her own secrets?"

"Hagimura and I think it's her conscience making her do that as a way to at least give her victims a warning."

"Is there even any point in trying to hide it anymore, Hata?" demands Kaede. "No matter how you try to spin it, we always know what kinds of stories you're really after."

"Exactly," says Suzu. "This article of yours is obviously going to be an extension of your little Tsuda piece from two semesters ago. I have to say, it's way too early in the academic season to be fabricating drama. Even if it's for the sake of your paper's success."

Hata croons. "That's precisely why I need to sow the seeds of discord now. What better time to fire up the rumor mill than at the beginning of a brand-new school year?" Takatoshi chuckles at this, presenting his case in point. Well, then. Thank you, Conscience of Hata.

"Asking us for our thoughts on Tsuda again," says Shino, fidgeting. "I-I don't think this is appropriate, Hata."

She hums in thought, tapping her pen against her notepad. "How about if I were to tell you that today's interviewees will be limited?"

"In what way?" Kaede asks carefully.

"Since I've already questioned Amakusa, Shichijou, and Hagimura on how they feel about Tsuda last time, I'll only be focusing on Igarashi, Pendragon, and Uomi today."

"Proceed," says Shino.

"Have some more tact, will you?" demand Takatoshi, Kaede, and me. Shino doesn't waver, and a glance at Suzu shows zero support. I don't even bother looking at Aria because I can hear her trademark lusty breathing.

Seriously? They're going to use this as an opportunity to gauge what kind of Takatoshi-related competition they're going to have this year?

"Let's begin with some laid-back preliminaries to ease our audience into the article," says Hata. She first turns to Kaede. "You're quite well-known already, Miss Igarashi. Particularly as somewhat of a roadblock towards Ousai's more romantically inclined attendees. For our freshmen, however, may I ask you to introduce yourself?"

"Kaede Igarashi. Senior year. As for what Hata here is referring to, I'm the appointed chief of the Disciplinary Committee."

"And what do you honestly think of Takatoshi Tsuda?"

Kaede jumps. "Already?"

"Of course! Unless you have something to hide, it should be a simple question. Wouldn't you agree?"

Kaede promptly pins the blame on Takatoshi for getting her into this mess, glaring daggers at him. He replies with an expression that's nervous, yet disarming. Her face softens at the sight. Sighing, she admits, "I suppose his term as our vice president has proven to be satisfactory so far. While I'm still somewhat suspicious of his intentions as the first male vice president of Ousai Private Academy, I will not undervalue his many contributions to the school."

Takatoshi grins. "Wow. That's really nice of you to say. Thank you, Igarashi." At this, Kaede blushes vibrantly and turns her face away from both him and Hata.

"It's happening!" Hata growls, scribbling something onto her notepad. "Just as a show of good faith, I'll now mix in some subjects that are relatively less controversial. Miss Igarashi, may we ask you to describe the role of the Disciplinary Committee?"

Admirably, Kaede steadies herself and gets ready for Hata's second sneak attack with a look that seems to say, 'Bring it on.' This girl's a lot tougher than I give her credit for. "Our main directive is to encourage compliance with Ousai's rules and regulations. Beyond that, our duties encompass performing investigations, general patrol, and carrying out any requests which may be directly given to us by Ousai's faculty up to, and including, Principal Kondou himself."

"Do these duties also include deterring public intimacy amongst our student body?"

"It has to. While we don't necessarily wish to dissuade developing teenagers from exploring their feelings, we need to remind everyone that each person's level of tolerance for this issue is just not the same. Ever since the school went co-ed last year, the priorities of the Disciplinary Committee have been leaning more and more towards the preservation of a harmless, wholesome social environment which equally considers the 'comfort zones' of everybody combined."

"Could you elaborate on what you mean by comfort zones, Miss Igarashi? Give an example, perhaps?"

"Certainly. Take kissing or handholding, for instance. While they may be an acceptable sight for some, it most definitely is not for others. The number of complaints we receive from students — and a few teachers, mind you — who feel uncomfortable from being forced to constantly witness these incidents on campus is quite high. The Disciplinary Committee cannot ignore these calls to action. That's why we're forced to confront students who display too much affection on school grounds. It's nothing personal. These couples are simply disturbing the peace."

"Indeed!" Hata proceeds to write on her notepad with great haste. "Jealous. Officer. Wants every. ****. For herself." Kaede grimaces at this whereas the Pervs go haywire. They gang up on her from all sides with puffy cheeks and hungry eyes.

"Do you really have that kind of stamina, Igarashi?"

"How many can you do at the same time?"

"Can you use your hands and feet simultaneously?"

"Spit or swallow? And do you wallow?"

I rush over to catch Kaede's fall. As much as I had praised her tenacity, every girl has their limit, and — holy shit — this one just reached hers five times over. She's completely petrified in my arms.

With the Pervs so squished together at this point, Hata uses this opportunity to switch her attention to Kotomi. "Pardonne-moi," she says to her. "Now that I think of it, I've seen you in the company of Mister Tsuda here many times before, but I've never gotten the opportunity to properly identify you. May we have your name, you lovely young lady?"

"Kotomi Tsuda! It's my first day of school, and I'm super-excited to be here!"

"Tsuda, is it?" Hata writes feverishly. "Vice President Tsuda. All of this time. Secretly. Married. To minor."

"Kotomi's my little sister."

"Incest. Confirmed."

"Hata!"

Passing Kaede to Aria, I run over to help Takatoshi in grabbing Hata's notepad, but she's a slippery one. Hata manages to effortlessly dodge our attempts, and at one point, seems to vanish before our very eyes. Searching, I turn to find my face directly in front of the lens of a handheld video camera that she's pulled out of nowhere. Oh, crap. We got ambushed. Takatoshi and I freeze, lest our actions become immortalized on film and then get taken out of context by Ousai's wizard of spinning sleazy rumors.

"And here we have the illustrious Miss Artoria Pendragon, sophomore. For all the newer students watching, Pendragon is the most recent addition to our school's student council. Interestingly, she's the one girl in the harem — circle, I mean — whose motivations continue to go unexplained. More interestingly, her so casually permanent residence within the Tsuda household remains an elusive mystery! Would you say hello to our viewers, Miss Pendragon?"

I give a nod and flash a smile in a manner that, realizing too late, is quite a bit lacking in the approachability department. "Hello, Ousai."

"My, oh my! Why so serious, Miss Pendragon? Stay tuned to this series, dear audience. Perhaps we can discover more about what lies beneath such a professional exterior as the school year progresses." She then growl-whispers, "And as the hidden camera footages surface!" Damn it, Hata. Before I can call her out, though, she presses past me to thrust the lens into Uomi's face. "Beside her, we have no less than the student council president of our nearby academic counterpart, Eiryou High School. May I present to you, Eiryou-President Uomi! Would you care to greet our viewers?"

Uomi blows a kiss and winks at the camera. "Hello, everyone!"

Hata starts huffing so hard at this, her camera visibly shakes. She takes a moment to settle herself down before continuing. "Many of you may remember this absolutely gorgeous specimen from last October's photo montage about our newfound friendship with Eiryou High. As you can plainly see, Uomi remains as dazzling as ever!"

"Oh stop," says Uomi, giggling. For whatever reason, she clings onto Takatoshi's arm in an admittedly adorable manner. Hata moans inappropriately at this sight, mumbling what sounds like pillow talk to herself. Man. Considering how top-tier her public footage ends up being, I bet she spends a lot of time in the editing room cutting out her own sex noises.

Hata centers the camera back on Kotomi. "Miss Tsuda?"

"Just call me Kotomi!" she says, making a peace sign at the camera. This causes Hata to hum in thought. Menacingly. I don't know how else to describe it.

"If I may be so bold, would you mind being referred to as Kotomi Tsuda during this interview?"

She grins from ear to ear. "I don't mind at all! It'll make people think that we're husband and wife!"

"This girl is fantastic!"

"She's a pain in the ass," says Takatoshi.

"Please tell us what you think of Takatoshi Tsuda, Kotomi Tsuda. In preferably ambiguous words."

"He's the best! Taka's always helping me do my homework, and he's always making snacks for me, and he's always looking out for me when Mom and Dad are on business trips!" After a moment of surprise, Takatoshi smiles with a bit of pride as Kotomi continues to gush in front of the camera, and I feel myself doing the same. The Tsuda siblings have their differences like any brother-sister duo would, but hearing Kotomi so enthusiastically shower him with praise is the cutest thing. Then she just has to ruin it with: "And you should see the size of his morning wood! Even from under his shorts, it's almost as big as my whole forearm!"

"Seriously?" shriek three voices in unison. Kotomi and Uomi both answer with immensely proud nods. Suzu's jaw hits the concrete, and Kaede invents a new level of petrification in Aria's arms. Takatoshi wisely maintains the straightest poker face I've ever seen a man do. This only supports my theory that he's playing coy as both a coping and defensive mechanism.

I myself sort of get lost in wondering which of these camps I most accurately fall under. I mean, Kotomi's not exactly exaggerating. Before I can come to a conclusion, however, Hata shoves the camera up my nostrils. "Miss Pendragon?" she asks.

"Yes, I'm here."

"If you please, tell us exactly what Takatoshi Tsuda's relationship is to you." Here we go. No matter what answer I give, it must be given carefully.

"He's like a brother to me."

"Interesting! Remarkably interesting. Any chance we could press you to expand upon that?"

I smile and shake my head, sparing a glance at the young man in question. "Nothing more to it, Hata. Takatoshi Tsuda is like a brother to me."

"Well, that explains quite a bit now, doesn't it? And how about you, Miss Uomi?"

Uomi wraps an arm around Takatoshi's waist, pulls him close, and then nuzzles her head into his side. Stroking his sleeve, she looks directly into the camera and says, "Takatoshi Tsuda is like a brother to me."

"I'd like to change my answer, please."

"To boyfriend? Of course."

"Stop trying to ship everyone, Hata!" shout the conscious Grumblers.

"Any objections to Pendragon's request, Miss Uomi?"

She gives a sultry laugh. "Artoria can be the girlfriend on two conditions. List my name as Chihiro Tsuda, and put me down as Taka's loving —"

"This interview is over!" Shino and Suzu scream. Wait, Uomi's first name is Chihiro? She told me it's Christina.