This smart TV weighs a ton. Or at least more than I do. Now, the weight wouldn't be so bad if it were just a hunk of junk we were lugging around, but this thing has got to be worth at least a million yen. Not exactly a reassuring fact to keep in mind as we're carrying it from the storage area to the living room. It's a trip that includes several steps and going down a couple of hallways, all while maneuvering around several tight corners. Thank God, however, that Suzu and her mom decided on using the TV's stand rather than its wall mount. Even with Dejima and I working together with Takatoshi at the other end, we already feel enough pressure as it is. Namely, the pressure of not accidentally dropping this damn, beautiful thing, or bumping it against any of the walls or furniture. Because of this, we're also beyond grateful for how Uomi is doing her best to keep Kotomi as far away from us as possible. A suggestion may, or may not, have been thrown around earlier to temporarily lock Kotomi outside of the house along with the Hagimura dog, Boa, for the purpose of an added element of precaution, but this was vetoed by half the group. This is despite the fact that both Takatoshi and I even proposed that we could give Kotomi a bowl of chow to keep her preoccupied like Boa, which even Kotomi admitted would've worked just fine.

At the living room, we all act together in the process of unboxing and assembly. After that, it's once again up to Takatoshi, Dejima, and I to lift the TV up onto its stand. Thankfully, it slots in without incident. After Suzu takes care of the dizzying array of wires and plugs, her mom flicks the TV on. We're then treated to an absolutely impressive 8K display of some Scottish dude screaming about undercooked fish.

"Relative of yours?" Takatoshi whispers to me.

"My ass. You know I'm Welsh."

"Wow," says Shino. "The picture is so clear!"

Missus Hagimura croons. "Oh, I love it! You're all lifesavers, you know that?" She starts handing out glasses of juice and some really tasty snacks. She also tosses a dog treat to Boa, who's now been let back into the house. "Suzu and I would have never been able to do this on our own before her dad got home. He's going to be so pleasantly surprised. Especially because of all his moping about having to install this TV by himself after his business trip!"

"We were happy to help, Missus Hagimura!" says Takatoshi. "It's such a shame that your husband had to work overseas during Golden Week."

"It certainly is, though since his company is based overseas, they can technically choose to ignore local holiday observances."

"Dad still gets double-pay for it, though. Along with a nice bonus since he was one of very few who accepted the appointment."

"Precisely! It was the very reason why he took the offer in the first place. Well, that, and also because I reminded him about how amazing the sex is going to be when he finally comes home because I'll have missed him so much." Missus Hagimura starts moaning and hugging herself with a daze-like smile.

"TMI, Mom. TMI."

"Oh! Sorry, Suzu." She then turns to the rest of us. "Is there any way I can repay you all?"

We laugh it off in response, shaking our heads and holding up our hands to deny the offer. "Perish the thought, Missus Hagimura," says Dejima.

"Oh, I'll think of something. Until then, please accept every little bitty-bit of my most sincere gratitude, everybody!"

"You're very welcome, Missus Hagimura!" says Aria. "Although, most of the thanks should go to Tsuda, Artoria, and Miss Dejima. They shouldered the most, after all!"

"Indeed," says Dejima. "It was quite the threesome."

"We made quite the team," insists Takatoshi.

"A three-way team."

"In the sense that it was merely three individuals who worked together. As a team."

"In a very close, threesome-like formation. Just a sweaty man working hard with two equally sweaty women."

Missus Hagimura giggles. "That's my husband and mine's favorite kind of threesome."

"Mom, please don't start!"

"Relax, Suzu! It's just that Miss Dejima here is making nothing but perfectly valid points."

"Thank you, Missus Hagimura. Like I always say — one of the best ways to enjoy a threesome is with a **** that has two sets of holes to choose from."

"We're still talking about a TV installation, aren't we?" grumbles Takatoshi.

Kotomi crosses her arms and says, "If it makes you feel any better, Taka, the **** Miss Dejima is talking about could either be the hammer or the screwdriver you guys used."

"Screwdriver sounds more accurate," says Uomi. "I mean, it's right in the name. Screw!"

Aria tilts her head. "I'd say that the hammer is more comparable to ****s. It's used for pounding, after all!"

"But screwdrivers can be inserted into holes, Aria."

"Uomi, it's the motion of the hammer that better represents a man thrusting his hips."

"Hammers may pound their targets like a **** pounds *****, but screwdrivers still screw, you know?"

"I'm afraid I have to agree with Uomi, Aria," says Shino. "Besides, a hammer only represents a **** when it's thrusting. Screwing is universally applicable, as it can still take into account when a girl wants to do all the work in bed."

Kotomi's eyes light up. "Cowgirl!"

Takatoshi throws his hands into the air. "And just like that, Kotomi's back to randomly shouting 'cowgirl' for the next two months."

Aria raises her finger to object at Uomi and Shino, but squeals in defeat. "I can't argue with your guys' logic. It's absolutely flawless!"

"If I may interject," says Dejima. "Both the hammer and the screwdriver representing Mister Tsuda's monster **** are valid. However, they can also be considered invalid."

The Pervs pipe down and freeze at this, turning to Dejima like she's about to reveal the secret identity of the world's most wanted diamond thief. "How so, Miss Dejima?" asks Shino.

"Consider this. Hammers usually hammer nails. Screwdrivers usually screw in screws. Nails and screws don't resemble vaginas in the least. If anything, they're just as vaguely phallic-shaped as hammers and screwdrivers are. Therefore, it's not one penis inserting itself into a vagina. No, it's one big **** pushing itself against another, smaller ****."

The Pervs gasp. "A ****-dock!"

Missus Hagimura claps, getting everyone's attention. "That gives me an idea," she says. "Maybe this is how I can repay you all!" She pulls out her phone. With a few button presses, she casts the phone's content onto the giant television. What suddenly appears onscreen causes our breaths to be caught in our throats.

It's footage of countless individuals on a beach. Innocent enough under normal circumstances, but very few things involving a Perv can be considered innocent, or a normal circumstance. To illustrate this point, every single one of these countless individuals on the beach are butt-naked from head to toe.

The camera angle is far and wide enough from any individual pair of boobs or genitalia that it doesn't feel too weird, but we're all still rendered speechless for a time.

"That's a lot of dongs," say Shino, Aria, and Uomi.

"Tits ahoy," mumbles Miss Dejima, because of course she'd notice those first.

"Mom, why are you showing porn to minors?"

"We're not minors," say Dejima, Shino, Aria and Uomi.

"But we are," counter Takatoshi, Suzu, and me. I nudge Kotomi, and she says the same, still in a trance at all that nudity on the screen.

"It's still porn, Mom. This isn't the time nor the place for it."

"This isn't pornography, Suzu," says Missus Hagimura happily. "This is a home movie of when your dad and I found ourselves on a nudist beach during a local college's spring break overseas! Look, there's your dad and me in the center. See?" She zooms in to confirm it.

Yup. Those are indeed the Hagimura parents. They're fully naked in each other's arms and waving sprightly at the camera with their free hands.

"Your mother is correct," says Dejima. She's drooling. "This medium of showcasing nudity is called nudism, or naturism. It's not intended to be sexual, but to celebrate the natural beauty of the human body — Good Lord, those teens have nipple piercings and puffy areolas. Missus Hagimura, could I trouble you for a copy of this video?"

"No need, Miss Dejima! It's a public vid online. I'll text you the link."

While Suzu's mom and Dejima briefly fuss over their phones, our eyes follow Shino as she walks over to the tool kit which Dejima brought. Curiosity on her face, Shino picks up a small handheld device and asks, "What's this thing?"

"Oh," says Dejima. "That's a stud finder."

"What does it do?" asks Kotomi.

Uomi laughs and pats her on the head. "It finds studs, Kotomi."

"That's right," says Dejima. "I brought it in case we needed it for wall-mounting. Please allow me to demonstrate." She takes the device and then slowly moves it along the wall until a little light on it glows green. "This indicates the presence of a framing stud behind the wall. Utilizing these framing studs ensures much better wall-mounting of heavy objects like the Hagimuras' new television."

"Wait, that's what you meant?" asks Uomi. "Framing studs? I see. My apologies. I thought a stud finder was used to find handsome men."

"Same," confesses Shino.

Aria smiles sheepishly. "I thought so, too."

Takatoshi opens his mouth as if to retort, but wisely stops himself. He glances at Suzu and I to communicate that we should perform that Grumbler obligation instead. "Why would you think that?" we both ask of the Pervs.

Shino shrugs. "That's how people use stud finders in all the videos I've seen online." To that, both Aria and Uomi nod.

"Those are called memes," I say.

"Correct," adds Suzu. "The videos you saw were intended as jokes. Stud finders aren't used to determine the attractiveness of a man. That's nonsense."

"On the contrary," says Dejima. With the stud finder still in hand, she holds it up against Takatoshi's chest. All is still for a few weirdly tense seconds. Suddenly, the light on the device glows green.

Aria squeals, snatching the stud finder and examining it with giddy stamps of her feet. "Tsuda is a total stud, confirmed!"

"I never doubted it," says Shino. "I knew it from the moment he agreed to join an all-girls student council!"

"I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him," says Uomi. She smiles at the scowl shooting at her from Shino. Electricity is suddenly in the air.

Kotomi huffs, feeling just as competitive as they are. "Oh, yeah? Well . . . I knew it since me and Taka started taking baths together!"

All eyes turn to Takatoshi. "Could we not?" he says tiredly. "We've already done this bit. You all remember that Kotomi and I only did that because we were kids."

"Up until middle school, if I remember correctly," says Uomi slyly. "That's old enough for Taka's balls to have dropped."

"And for Kotomi to have had some nice, fresh buds to suck on!" adds Aria.

Kotomi smiles proudly. "Well, they were definitely suckable at the time, if I do say so myself."

"Go on," requests Dejima. We all turn to find her basically hiding behind the couch with only her eyes peering out at us.

"Oh. Um, nothing ever came of it, Miss Dejima. Fortunately, Taka never gave into his incest urges."

"Think you're talking about yourself there," he grumbles.

Dejima frowns and rises to her feet. From there, she adjusts her skirt in a manner that seems to far exceed the necessity of recovering from a simple squat. Okay. Pretty sure Miss Dejima was flickin' the bean for a second there. Boa even seems to confirm this by walking up to Dejima and curiously sniffing at her crotch.

"In any case, I think the point here has been proven," says Aria. "Miss Dejima just confirmed, beyond a shadow of a doubt, what we've always already suspected — that Tsuda here is a stud!"

"Nothing like that was proven, Shichijou," he says.

"But it was clearly demonstrated with the power of science!" She raises the stud finder into the air. "Miss Dejima held it up to your chest, and it glowed green. That means it detected the presence of a stud!"

Takatoshi sighs. "Did you guys forget that we have sternums? It would work with anybody. Look," he says, taking the device. He then holds it up against Uomi's chest, and there's a moment of silence. Suddenly, the light also glows green.

"Chihiro Uomi is a stud, too?" cry the Pervs.

Uomi starts quivering, holding up her hands to study them with awe. "This power," she says. "I must be the Chosen One!"

"This is going to change the entire dynamic of our lives," says Aria with glee.

"How is this possible?" demands Shino. "This can't be possible. Can it? There must be some other explanation here!"

"Wait a minute. What if this seemingly innocuous device secretly works on an interdimensional scale, where it uses a given individual as a catalyst to peek into the next universe at their parallel variation?" We all look at Kotomi, perplexed. Returning our surprise with solemnity, she continues with, "President Chihiro Uomi's neighboring version must be that universe's counterpart of Takatoshi Tsuda!"

Takatoshi rolls his eyes. "Why do you only know big words when you act like a dork?"

"It must be because my alternate universe **** is ten feet long!"

The Pervs gasp. Together, they cry out, "The real Chosen One!" Then they bow down before the Great Kotomi Tsuda. Yup. That's right. Just this once, we're capitalizing the 'Great' part.

"This concept of parallel dimensions is so titillating," huffs Shino. "Like, seriously. It's titty-lating. Like, it's totally titillating my —"

"We get it," say the Grumblers.

"Incredible," says Uomi. "So, that means that —" She gasps, cutting herself off. She then runs up behind Takatoshi and jumps onto his back. From there, she plugs up his ears with her fingers, much to his lethargic annoyance. Now that Takatoshi's hearing is stymied, Uomi continues with, "This means that there could possibly be a universe where I'm giving Taka a topless, sloppy ****job with lots and lots of eye contact?"

"Of course, there is, Uomi!" says Aria. "In fact, there could very well be hundreds of realities where it's happening as we speak!"

Uomi's eyes bulge. Well, as much as they can, considering it's Uomi. She also starts quivering again, but much harder this time. You know, until today, I don't think I've ever seen her do that before. "I see," she says. "That makes me wonder if I look totally different in each universe, too."

"Who knows, Sis," says Kotomi. "In one of those universes, you might even be blowing Taka as an old lady with no teeth!"

Shino gasps. "A no-denture adventure!"

"All gums until he ***s!" adds Aria.

"Close this interdimensional portal at once!" roar Suzu and me. And Takatoshi. Wait, what? His ears are still plugged up!

"I love this concept of parallel dimensions," says Uomi, hopping down from Takatoshi. "This was the plot device used in tons of films and novels throughout the years. There's a more proper term for it, though, isn't there?"

"There is," says Aria. "Like in that one Avengers movie. Do you remember, Shino?"

She shakes her head. "It's been a few years since I last saw it. I forgot the term, too."

"Multiverse theory," says Dejima, not even looking up from the instruction manual she's suddenly reading. "It should be noted, however, that regardless of it being touted as a theory in real life, it is, at its current stage, considered highly improbable."

"Why are you suddenly wearing glasses, Miss Dejima?"

She lowers the manual. "To make me look smarter while I drop some knowledge on you all."

"Really?"

"No, Miss Amakusa. That was a joke. Actually, it's because I forgot to put my contacts in this morning."

Aria flinches. "You didn't forget your vibrator, though, did you?"

"I would never, Milady."

"Oh, thank goodness! At least you remembered the most important thing."

"Your priorities are skewed," says Takatoshi.

Suzu scoffs. "If I didn't see proof that you brought your eyeglasses, Miss Dejima, I would've been very concerned about how you drove us here. Anyways, going back to this so-called multiverse theory. It sounds like a ridiculous concept. A fairy-tale, if you will."

"Indeed, Miss Hagimura," says Dejima. "It's currently accepted by all credible fields as being little else but a form of pseudoscience." She then turns to Suzu's mom and points at the instruction manual in her hands. "The recording-schedule function is in this menu, Missus Hagimura."

"So, multiverse theory isn't even close to being real? Even with all this talk about quantum mechanics and AI on the news these days?" Shino then sighs. "Just when I was getting all excited about it. Titillated, even."

"Stop it," says Takatoshi.

Pouting, Aria says, "Wait, so it's considered a pseudoscience simply because it isn't proven? What about the other way around? Can't it even be considered possible simply for the fact that it can't be disproven yet?"

"This is the circular fallacy of pseudoscience, I'm afraid," says Dejima. "By that logic, anybody could argue that, say, Miss Pendragon here has dozens of alternate iterations simply because it cannot be disproven." At that, I feel my eyes dart off to the side.

"This explains why I've never heard of such a ridiculous concept," says Suzu. "I consider myself lucky that this particular pseudoscience stayed off of my radar until today."

"Really?" I ask, trading a confused glance with Takatoshi. "You've never heard of multiverse theory until now, Suzu?" She shakes her head almost proudly.

"It's a pretty common trope in pop culture these days," says Takatoshi.

"Right. I mean, Shino, Aria, and Uomi were talking about it as a pop culture trope the whole time, so even they're aware of the concept. But not you, Suzu? You're the science girl!" She shakes her head even more proudly.

"Wow," says Takatoshi. "Have you never watched Endgame, Hagimura?" Hell, even I've seen it. The entire MCU was on-demand back at the Clock Tower.

Suzu scoffs. "Please. The Avengers series? I couldn't even bring myself to finish watching the third film of that dribble of a series."

Missus Hagimura giggles. "We stopped taking her with us after Infinity War because Thanos scared her."

"Mom! No, don't listen to her, guys. That's totally not . . . completely one-hundred percent accurate!"

Suzu sounds like she would make a good case for herself. One good enough that we all might even consider the merit in whatever claim she'd try to make. However, it totally doesn't help that, unbeknownst to her and only her, Missus Hagimura has already started streaming a video on the TV behind her. The video playing is of a much younger Suzu crying and being carried by her dad as they all walk away from a movie theater.

Suzu spins around and blushes red as a tomato. "How do you still have that video, Mom?" she demands. "That must have been shot three cell phones ago, at least! Have you just been transferring it to every new phone since then?"

"I uploaded it to Facebook years ago, sweetie."

"Mom, why is my face showing? I know I was a kid at the time, but I still didn't consent to it!"

"Oh, sweetie. This video was taken back when we were still living with my great-uncle in Abruzzo! Way different privacy laws over there."

"But —"

"And it's got almost two-hundred thousand views by now!"

Suzu is now standing in the corner of the room, staring at the wall. "Oh, my life," she says. I feel bad, of course, but she seems to perk up a bit once Boa goes to comfort her.

All smiles, Missus Hagimura says, "Maybe I can repay you all for your help today by giving you a copy of this video to show all your friends!" Okay — that, we wouldn't do to Suzu. We all immediately decline the offer politely, which calms Suzu down in the background. "Oh, but I must insist on something to thank you for all your help today! It's the least I can do because I just know my husband's going to be absolutely thrilled that the TV's already installed. In fact, I bet he's going to be so grateful that he's going to bend me over and **** me till the morning!" At this, the Pervs squeal in delight amid thunderous applause.

"Mom," Suzu groans, burying her face into her palms. "Come on."

"Oh, I bet he's even going to eat my ***hole for hours!" Oh. My. Well, good for you, Missus H.

"Mom!"

"Sorry, Suzu! I got caught up in the moment. I'm just so filled with joy that your dad's going to fill me with his joy!"

"Then we're just glad that we're getting our dear Suzu's gorgeous mother laid," says Uomi. "That's more than enough thanks, of course!"

"Yes!" cheers Aria. "We're just super-happy to be, uh . . . wait, what's the opposite of being a bunch of ****-blockers?"

"****-enablers?" suggests Dejima. "No, that's not catchy enough."

The room goes silent as all Pervs convene for a really intense thinking session. Like, seriously. They're all just standing there with their hands on their chins, glaring at the floor. Takatoshi, Suzu, and I simply stare at each other the whole time. Finally, it's Uomi who breaks the silence.

"What about vagiticians?"

Missus Hagimura shrugs. "That's a good one, dear, but I think that would work much better if politicians had a reputation for passing legislation rather than vetoing it."

"Plain old wingmen, maybe?" asks Kotomi. "That's kind of what we are here."

"True, Kotomi, but let's shoot for something clever."

"You're right, Sis. Let's see . . ."

Shino raises a finger. "Oh! Schlong sherpa." Some halfhearted nods here and there. "Wait, no. We can do better."

"You're certainly on the right track, though, Miss Amakusa," says Dejima. "Shall we keep that one in the maybe file?" The others agree, then return to their thinking poses. This actually goes on for so long that Takatoshi, Suzu, me, and Boa end up just streaming YouTube on the 85-inch screen while munching on the snacks that Suzu's mom gave us earlier.

"But she's just eating," I say of the channel we clicked on thanks to today's recommended list.

Takatoshi shrugs. "Doesn't change the fact that she's still one of the most popular YouTubers in Japan. I mean, hell. Look at her subscriber count."

"Whoa! Five million plus. Over five million people are into watching some lady just . . . eating a gigantic sushi cake?"

"Believe it or not," says Suzu. "At first, I thought it was simply a fetish-related thing started by the otaku scene in Tokyo, but I was surprised to find out that she's got a mostly female audience worldwide."

"Wow," says Takatoshi. "Okay, that I didn't know."

Chuckling, I ask, "Any idea why that is, Suzu?"

"Something about women feeling like they're having a good time with a friend. And honestly? I can see the appeal. I never miss an upload, myself."

"Well, then. This makes me wonder if Mutsumi and I should hit the buffet with a camera crew and try our luck at Internet fame."

Takatoshi snickers. "With the way you two eat sometimes, that would just end up being more of a horror show." Okay, I walked right into that one. I join in on the laughter just as heartily as them.

"Forgive me for what I'm about to say, Pendragon," says Suzu. "When I imagine you and Mutsumi being recorded at a buffet, I'm just picturing it being shot like one of those nature documentaries in the west." At that, we laugh even harder.

To our surprise, Takatoshi suddenly adopts a dulcet, near-perfect English accent and narrates, "And here we find the mighty Pendragon and Mitsuba in their natural habitat. For today's catch, they've successfully waylaid a Cornish hen. Though they tear into this hard-earned meal with passionate vigor, their every bite is calculated. A truly practiced and magnificently terrifying act of nature."

Suzu and I are in hysterics. I rest a hand on Takatoshi's thigh and say, "Was that David Attenborough? Dude, that was really good!"

"I've never heard you talk in that voice before," says Suzu. "Though, it sounds like you've been doing it for a while. Have you been working on that accent in private, or something?"

"To be honest, I did that voice to piss Kotomi off while we were growing up. I stopped for a while because she kept whining about it to our mom and dad, but then I started doing it again in my head when I joined the council. You know. Just narrating Amakusa and Shichijou's shenanigans. Helped me cope in the beginning."

Aria gasps sharply out of nowhere. "I've got it!" she cries. This catches the attention of everyone in the room, including us. Although, Takatoshi goes back into David Attenborough mode, narrating every action of the Pervs with noteworthy accuracy.

"It seems the meeting of the pack is adjourned. The alpha female has finally come to a conclusion. She pauses for dramatic effect, luring the other members of the pack to close in for the announcement with anxious anticipation."

"We are . . . cummissioners!"

"Success! The pack celebrates. Our alpha female finds herself being showered with acclaim, cementing her dominance for at least one more season."

"Taka!" whines Kotomi. "We can hear you, you know!"

"A challenge arises," he narrates even louder, grinning with mischief. "It appears the pack has caught wind of our documentary crew. We may be forced to depart."

"Not this again. Taka!" Kotomi dashes at her brother, but he manages to stop her dead in her tracks. Kotomi huffs while trying to grab at him, but her attacks are futile. She can't even reach him because the much taller Takatoshi is simply keeping her at arm's length with his outstretched palm upon her forehead. It's one of the most cartoony, sibling-like things I've ever seen them do.

"To the great luck of our documentary crew, only the youngest of the pack confronts us, seeking to prove herself."

"Stop it, Taka! Stop it right now! Didn't I tell you that I never wanted to hear you do that stupid old man British voice ever again? Don't think I wouldn't kick your butt!"

"An impressive display of aggression. Even if it is all for naught."

Despite the hand on her face now half-muffling her voice, Kotomi manages to call out to the rest of us. "You guys, help me out here!"

"Having found herself in over her head, a desperate cry for assistance leaves her lips and echoes across the savannah. Although, ultimately, fortune frowns on our hapless youngling. This is because the cry has fallen on deaf ears."

It's true. By this point, the rest of us are just quite literally ROFLMAO'ing. Hey, at least the heat's taken off of Suzu for the day. You've got to share the love.