Rachel arrived at Wizengamot Member Ethan Davies house early on Monday afternoon and was relieved to see that it wasn't an enormous manor. After seeing Draco, Neville, and Blaise's family homes, she'd been starting to think that every well off wizard lived in a manor or a castle. She found a bell pull at the edge of the property and rang it, not wanting to disrupt their wards. A moment later a House Elf appeared.
"Wizengamot Member Snow is expected. Please follow Dipsy," the House Elf said, reaching out for Rachel's hand. "Dipsy will guide you through the wards."
Rachel accepted Dipsy's hand and felt a strange pressure sensation as she was led through the wards followed by an almost static sensation. She wondered if other people felt the wards that way or if it was just because she could still sense magic. She rubbed her arms once she was through and followed Dipsy through the garden, noting that it was a working garden and she could see a greenhouse at the side of the house. She wondered if Ethan Davies as well as Mistress Davies brewed or if he was just an administrator for the Potions Guild.
Dipsy led her through the entrance hallway and into a side room where Ethan and Miranda Davies were already sitting at a small dining table.
"Wizengamot Member Snow, please come in. May I call you Rachel?" Ethan Davies asked as he stood and bowed slightly.
"Yes, please do," Rachel said. She still wasn't comfortable with that title.
"Please call me Ethan. And I know you've met Miranda," Ethan said.
Miranda stood as well and gave a small curtsy. "It's a pleasure to see you again, Rachel. Please join us for lunch."
"Thank you," Rachel said, giving her own approximation of a curtsy before sitting down.
Food appeared on the table, with soups and small sandwiches for each of them. Rachel was relieved it wasn't fancier than that.
"I saw your article in Modern Potions. It was a very interesting study. What caused you to focus on Dreamless Sleep?" Miranda asked.
"Oh, I didn't realize it was published yet," Rachel said. She'd finished the revisions they sent two weeks ago and had rather been expecting to have to wait until October's issue to be published at the earliest.
"Just came out this morning, I suspect your copy is still being sorted through the Wizengamot mail service," Ethan said.
Rachel nodded. It usually took her at least a day or two extra to get mail sent to her, but she didn't mind as long as it kept her fan mail - and threatening messages - far away from her. She remembered what Professor Dumbledore said about Ethan Davies valuing honesty and decided to start here. "I focused on Dreamless Sleep because I have difficulty taking the potion. I wanted to brew something that I could take but would still have the effect of not remembering my dreams. The alternative formulation was more just an idea that didn't work. I'm currently doing an independent study on sleeping potions before I start my mastery. I would like to invent one that can be taken regularly without any addiction concerns."
"A challenging task, but a worthwhile one. Why are you delaying your mastery?" Miranda asked.
She felt herself flush. "I joined the auror team that's responding to Death Eater attacks. It's temporary. I'll go back to my mastery once the situation with the Death Eaters is under control."
"I would have rather thought you'd have had enough of Death Eaters, given the events of the last several years," Ethan said, setting down his sandwich as he looked at her.
"It's important. The war isn't really over until they're captured. I know we won't get all of them, but hopefully we can at least stop the attacks."
Miranda nodded slightly. "Severus did tell me that when you set your mind to something that you were very difficult to dissuade. Not a bad attribute for a potions brewer - or a Wizengamot member - in moderation, of course."
She tried not to focus on the burning in her cheeks. "Severus was not particularly pleased about me joining the aurors."
"I can't imagine why not," Ethan said, though he at least seemed slightly amused rather than disapproving. "How are you weathering the trials?"
"Alright, I suppose. I wasn't really expecting to hear what we've been hearing. I knew what the Death Eaters did, but I suppose I wasn't ready for the scale of it. They've hurt so many people," she said, knowing she had to go back for more trials tomorrow. It seemed like the next two months were just stretching out before her and while she liked Quidditch and found the training they were doing in the aurors to be fulfilling, being on the Wizengamot right now just felt disheartening at best.
"It is difficult to listen to. I know you lost many people in the war, we did as well," Ethan said, reaching for Miranda's hand.
She took his hand and nodded. "Sixteen people in the guild were killed over the course of the war. Mostly muggleborns and half-bloods. And a number of families we were well acquainted with on the Wizengamot as well."
"I'm sorry for your loss," Rachel said, wishing she had something better to say during times like these.
Ethan shook his head. "I just keep telling myself that it could have been worse than it was. We are fortunate the war ended when it did. And that is primarily thanks to you."
"My role was mostly incidental, Professor Dumbledore is the one who dueled the Dark Lord," Rachel said, hoping that eventually she could make people see that.
"I suspect there was no one who could have killed him but you. You returned to the world for a reason," Miranda said.
That was way too close to guessing the prophecy for Rachel's comfort. "I saw an opportunity and I took it. I couldn't do anything else. People were dying."
"I'm sure you don't want to talk about that battle," Ethan said. "If I'm not mistaken, you did have something you wished to speak with me about, or was this just you getting to know some of the Wizengamot?"
"I do wish to know more of the Wizengamot," Rachel said, grateful for the subject change. "But I'm afraid I did have a reason to ask to speak with you today. It's about the upcoming trial for Alfred Selwyn."
Miranda sighed. "Alfred Sewlyn a Death Eater. I can hardly believe it. I'm in a tea circle with Annette. How she could have missed such a thing, I don't know."
Rachel wasn't convinced in the slightest that Annette Selwyn didn't know her husband was a Death Eater. How could a person possibly hide something like that from their spouse?
"Was it Albus who sent you here or Amelia?" Ethan asked.
"Neither. Actually it was the victim's advocate who suggested I speak with you," Rachel said, going for honesty again.
Ethan and Miranda glanced at each other and back to Rachel again. "You had a personal encounter with Alfred? While he was a Death Eater?" Miranda asked, sounding uncertain.
Rachel pressed her lips together and reminded herself that this needed to be done if she actually wanted Selwyn to be kept away from her. "A little over two years ago I was kidnapped and taken to Malfoy Manor. The Dark Lord was there, as was a circle of his Death Eaters. Alfred Selwyn was one of them. He, and many others, used the Cruciatus Curse on me. I was the one who went to Madam Bones and asked her to pursue him. I didn't know his name until I saw him at that first meeting in August."
The room was quiet for a long moment, the only sound Rachel could hear was her own breathing.
"They weren't in cloaks and masks?" Ethan finally asked.
"No. They had a dinner party before this happened, while I was being kept in a prison cell in the cellar. They didn't expect me to survive to tell anyone." Rachel somehow found it embarrassing that they'd been having a dinner party, she wasn't sure why. Maybe it was that she'd been intended to be the entertainment following the dinner party. Or maybe it just felt like it diminished what she'd gone through and made it seem less serious somehow.
"What happened to the other people in the Death Eater circle?" Miranda asked.
"I know at least one of them is custody. I know a number of them are dead. The rest are wanted by the MLE."
"I've heard it said that Alfred was under the Imperius Curse. Do you know anything about that?" Ethan asked.
"Madam Bones said he had a close friend or family member use a memory charm on him so that he'd say he was under the Imperius Curse. He's Marked, which the Dark Lord only did to people who he relied on. And, when the Dark Lord returned, he used the Dark Mark to cause his loyal Death Eaters to apparate to attend to him. He called one of them Selwyn, although they were all in cloaks and masks. It's possible that another Selwyn is a Death Eater, but I think chances are good that was Alfred Sewlyn. I've been told that seventeen years ago, anyone who was under the Imperius Curse was released when the Dark Lord was removed from his body. Assuming that's true, then Selwyn made the decision to apparate to the Dark Lord that night," she explained, trying to give them all of the information they might hear at the trial. She didn't want them to think she'd lied to them.
Ethan ran his hand over his mouth. "It's a disturbing tale. I've known Alfred for a long time, and I've always known his first priority is himself and his family. He's always willing to push for the advantage for himself. I suppose he felt that You-Know-Who would win."
"The Dark Lord nearly did win," Rachel said. "Both this time and last. I think…I'm not sure what else Alfred Selwyn has done in the course of being a Death Eater. I suppose we'll find out when we hear his Veritaserum transcript. But I know that he was willing to use an Unforgivable Curse and that when people are willing to use the Cruciatus Curse once, there is not a lot standing in their way stopping them from doing it again." She felt that was about as close as she could get without outright asking him to vote against Selwyn.
Miranda nodded slowly. "There is a good reason those curses have a lifetime sentence. Once people are so far gone into the Dark Arts that they're using Unforgivable Curses, there's no coming back."
"I suppose that's true. If he really did use an Unforgivable Curse without being under the Imperius Curse himself, then there's no other recourse. We can't have someone like that on the Wizengamot, or even roaming free," Ethan said, looking at his wife. "We'll need to talk with people. Soon." He looked back at Rachel. "Do you know when Alfred's trial is scheduled?"
"Around the end of October or beginning of November," Rachel said, feeling her shoulders relax a little. They seemed to believe her.
"We have a little time then, we can get to everyone," Miranda said. "Now, let's put aside Wizengamot matters so we can actually eat. I hear you're playing Quidditch in the League?"
"For the Holyhead Harpies, I'm the reserve Seeker," Rachel said, glad to be done with that part. She looked down at her food and decided to see if she could eat a little of it.
"I'm certain they're glad to have you. Roger always complained that you were impossible to beat on the pitch," Ethan said.
"How is Roger?" Rachel asked.
"Busy. He has another year in his mastery and he's hoping to get into the Runic Center in Wales afterward. We see him from time to time. I know his mother wishes he was home more often," Miranda said.
"She would have liked to have him join the Potions Guild with us, but Roger wouldn't know the right end of a stirring rod if it bit him. I know he was always trying to pass Potions in order to remain on the Quidditch team," Ethan said, looking amused again.
Rachel hadn't realized that Roger was struggling with Potions, but she knew a lot of people had difficulty getting the scores they wanted in that class. "I'm glad he's where he wants to be."
"We are as well. There's no shame in children pursuing their own path, even if it's not their parents' path. Our daughter is busy in Australia on a magical creatures reserve, so there you have it," Miranda said with a smile.
Rachel smiled back. "One of my closest friends wants to work with magical creatures. She's in her seventh year at Hogwarts and is hoping to go into magizoology afterwards."
"It's an interesting field, to be sure. And we need magizoologists for a fair number of potions ingredients that are hard to come by," Ethan said. "What people don't tend to realize until after they leave Hogwarts is how many fields are interdependent on each other. We get nowhere without collaboration."
Miranda nodded. "It's always important to have contacts in other guilds. Ethan and I would be happy to introduce you to some people."
"Thank you, I'd like that," Rachel said. She did want to make contacts for her future career, and hopefully they'd be more interested in her as a budding potioneer than as the Girl-Who-Lived.
"I assume you're planning to join the guild after your mastery?" Ethan asked. "As you've already published and had spells registered with the guild, you'll have an open invitation as soon as you're given the title Potions Mistress."
"I do plan to join the guild," Rachel said. "It might take a little while to do my mastery though. I'm balancing the Wizengamot and Quidditch with it."
"It's never a bad idea for a mastery to take three years instead of two. The extra experience and research time can be invaluable. Have you picked a Master or Mistress to apprentice with?" Miranda asked.
"Mistress Emlyn Clough. She said she'd be willing to take me as soon as I'm done with the aurors."
"Emlyn is a good woman. You'll do well with her, especially with a focus on non-traditional healing potions," Ethan said.
"I think Emlyn will be a good fit for you," Miranda agreed.
"Can you tell me more about the guild?" Rachel asked, curious about their experiences with it.
"We'd be glad to," Ethan said.
Thirty minutes later, Rachel left the Davies' house with a list of books Ethan and Miranda recommended and a good overview for what she could expect when joining the guild. She found herself hoping that the situation with the Death Eaters went quickly. She was eager to get started in potions.
"Rachel, that you?" Draco called a moment after Rachel had apparated in the hallway.
"Just me," she said, entering the sitting room to find Draco on the sofa with Feverfew sitting next to him staring at him. The television was on what looked like a cooking program.
"What is wrong with your cat?" he asked.
"Nothing. She's just curious about you. Is she bothering you?" Rachel asked.
"It's a little awkward to be stared at for an hour. What does she want?"
"She might like it if you scratch between her ears, but ask first."
Draco glanced at Feverfew again, but did not offer to scratch between her ears. "How were the Davies?"
"Fine. They told me all about the Potions Guild. I'm actually looking forward to joining," she said, taking a seat on the sofa. Feverfew left Draco's side and came to start sniffing at Rachel.
"You talked with them about Selwyn?" he checked.
"I did. Ethan said he's going to talk with other people. I think he believed me," she said, hoping she'd understood the situation correctly.
"Good. If he can convince the rest of the guild representatives, they might actually convict Selwyn. Maybe. Too soon to tell." Draco's mouth went flat for a moment. "Are you still meeting with the victim's advocate?"
"Yes. He's helping me put together what to say, and the next step is rehearsing it. Are you?"
"Yes. I'm not sure I want to go through with this. It's revealing a lot."
"It is," she agreed. "I won't blame you if you decide not to do it."
Draco sighed. "Just give me some time. I'll let you know when I know."
"Okay. No pressure. We still have time," she said, checking her watch. "I've got to get to Quidditch practice."
"Would you be interested in just playing some games for fun? I'm sure we can get a group together," Draco asked.
"Sure, that would be fine," Rachel said. "Cedric, Cho, and Heidi would be good to ask. I bet Angelina, Alicia and Katie would play too. Probably the Weasley twins. We can ask Miles and I'm sure he's still in contact with Adrian. Roger maybe."
Draco nodded. "I'll see what I can put together."
"Thanks," she said, turning to Feverfew. "I have to go out again. Do you want a quick scratch?"
Feverfew meowed and held her head up, so Rachel gently scratched between her ears and around her chin until Feverfew sat back down again.
"Alright, see you for dinner," Rachel said as she stood.
"See you," Draco said, returning to his show.
Rachel barely managed to stop herself from screaming as she woke and she stumbled out of her bed and onto the floor. It had been Malfoy Manor again and it shamed her that she could feel tears on her face. She gasped for air as she simultaneously tried to stop herself from crying and reminded herself that she was at home and that the past was in the far past. She was not at Malfoy Manor. The Death Eaters couldn't get in their wards. And the Dark Lord was dead.
Feverfew had jumped down from the bed and she was staring at her, her eyes almost glowing in the dim light from the window.
"It's fine, I'm fine," Rachel told her. She swallowed and wiped off her face. She hadn't been able to deal with this two years ago so she'd locked it away in her mind. Now she actually had to deal with it. She had thought she'd been doing alright. She'd told people about it. She'd been back to Malfoy Manor. She was pursuing charges against Selwyn. Weren't these the things she was supposed to be doing to deal with this? Wasn't this what 'recovery' was supposed to look like?
Torey had always told her that once she'd processed things and made some steps in recovery that her nightmares wouldn't be as bad. Either she wasn't doing the right things to fix this or Torey didn't know what she was talking about. In general, Rachel trusted Torey. She'd helped her with a lot of things. But she was also old enough to know that Torey didn't know everything and sometimes the things that worked for one person didn't work for another.
Feverfew crept closer, her nose working as she sniffed at Rachel.
"It's really fine. I had a nightmare. That happens sometimes. That happens a lot, actually." Rachel pushed herself to her feet and went to her wardrobe and pulled out a jumper. She was feeling closed in, even with her room being as big as it was, and she wanted out for a little bit. "You can stay here and sleep or come with me, whatever you want."
She heard Feverfew follow her out into the hallway and Rachel went down the stairs, intending on sitting in the sitting room near the windows so she could picture all that open space around her. Instead she found the lamps on and Hermione sitting on one of the sofas with books spread out around her and a pile of notes. Crookshanks was spread out on top of the sofa behind her and had opened his eyes when Rachel and Feverfew had entered.
"Hermione? It's like two in the morning."
"Did I keep you up?" Hermione asked, looking a little frazzled.
"No. I didn't even know you were up. Why are you up? I thought that they weren't giving you homework," Rachel said as she took a seat on the other sofa. Feverfew jumped up and sat down next to her, her attention now on Hermione as well.
"They don't, but some of this doesn't make sense and I need to make it make sense," Hermione said with a heavy sigh. "And, to be entirely honest, I've been having trouble sleeping ever since the battle at Hogwarts."
"Nightmares?" Rachel asked, full of sympathy. She still had nightmares about it sometimes and she hadn't even fought in the battle.
"Not exactly." Hermione looked back at her books again, but didn't seem to be reading. "I don't believe I have PTSD. I've looked at the symptoms and they don't match. But when it's quiet, and I lie down to go to sleep, it's like I can see it happening all over again. It just plays out in my mind."
"I'm sure it was frightening. Terrifying even," she said, remembering all the Death Eaters they'd found dead. At one point all of them had been fighting against the defenders at Hogwarts.
"I wasn't scared."
Rachel looked at Hermione and found Hermione looking back now.
"I know it sounds like I'm lying, but I wasn't scared," Hermione said, her expression intent.
"I don't think you're lying."
"I…It both happened so fast and it seemed like it stretched out forever. One minute the teachers are telling us that we have to evacuate and they don't know if there's enough time to get everyone out. And we volunteer to stay and fight, because what else can we do? I keep thinking of Colin's parents. And my parents. And they sent him into this magical world, and he never came back. And my parents know I fought at Hogwarts, but they don't know what it was really like. They don't know how much danger I was in because I couldn't bring myself to tell them that I fought knowing that I might leave them like that. And I keep thinking of Colin's parents and Dennis. And how we're promised the magical world. How we're eleven and they tell us we have this amazing gift inside of us. And then it turns out that people want to kill us, just because we're not like them. And how we leave our families behind for this world that they can never really be part of."
Rachel nodded, just barely. She may have grown up in the muggle world, but where it mattered she hadn't had the same experiences as muggleborns did.
"So we go to the battle, and Millie and Theo tell us that you're gone, that you're dead. And that's all they know. But there's no time, because we're going out to the battlefield and the Death Eaters are there. There's no time. It just becomes trying to stay alive because that's the only thing I can think about. There were so many of them. I know…seeing it afterward, I know there probably weren't more than a hundred of them, but they seemed endless. I wasn't afraid because there wasn't time to feel afraid. All there was was this crazy voice in my head saying I had to keep them away from me. And there's part of me that's watching. I saw Melanie fall. When I turned, I saw that Lavender was down and Parvati was standing over her trying to keep the Death Eaters away long enough that she could pull Lavender back. I didn't see Colin die. He got separated from us somehow. But all I could do was cast the Cutting Hex over and over and I was aiming at the Death Eater's throats. And I would hit them over and over to force them to drop their shields, and they couldn't cast back at me because they had to keep their shields up. I don't know how many of them I killed. It seems like the sort of thing I should know. I remember the first, and this horror as he fell with a splash of blood, but there wasn't time. And then the second, and the third. But then…I just kept going, trying to keep the Death Eaters away from us."
"They were going to kill you and everyone else. It was the only thing you could do," Rachel said when Hermione stopped. "I know killing doesn't ever feel easy or right-"
"No," Hermione said, shaking her head. "I don't feel guilty. I feel angry. I feel angry that we were ever put in that position to begin with. Do you feel guilty over killing You-Know-Who?"
"No," Rachel said. "Maybe I should, especially given the way that I did it, but I don't feel guilty. I just feel relieved that he can't hurt anyone else."
"I didn't see you do it. I didn't even know you were there. Everyone on the battlefield turned when the elemental battle stopped. It was like a pressure left the air. A sound that we weren't even aware we were hearing until it was gone. I couldn't even figure out what had happened until I heard Professor Snape shout at you. Then I saw you and I wasn't sure if I had lost my mind or if you weren't dead at all and Millie and Theo had just been given the wrong information. The fighting started again, but all but a handful of Death Eaters who were left saw that the battle was over and apparated away. They were taken care of soon enough. I don't know how long I stood there trying to make sense out of what happened, but eventually I came back enough to realize that we had to get people to the Healers. Susan was helping. She said she was with Lavender when she died. Madam Pomfrey and Professor Snape couldn't save her, so they had to move on to saving the people that they could save. Susan and I talk a lot at lunch, we're the only new people in the Healers Training Program this year. She said she wasn't sure about being a Healer after she saw people dying while Madam Pomfrey tried to save them. She said her aunt told her that even more people would have died though if Madam Pomfrey hadn't been healing them. That sometimes people will die, patients will die, because that's how life works, but isn't it better to try to save everyone we can? I think it is, don't you?"
Rachel nodded. "I'm not cut out to be a Healer. But that's what I want to do with the aurors, is stop them from killing as much as possible. And then with potions, I want to make things that will help people."
"Exactly. That's why I want to be a curse specialist. There are people out there who no one is helping because there is no one to help them. People like Blaise's mother or Daphne's sister, who no one is even trying to help. There has to be something I can do. And that's why I'm trying to make sense of all of this, because how can I help people if it doesn't make sense," Hermione said, gesturing at her books. "And it's better to be here doing something, then it is to be in bed thinking over and over of the people I killed and the people I saw get killed."
"This is probably not the suggestion you want, but have you considered taking a sleeping potion twice a week, just to get through the hurdle of getting to sleep? I was really resistant to it for a long time, but I've found that it's better to get two nights of decent sleep a week instead of none. I can even brew them for you." Hermione would likely do better with the regular Dreamless Sleep potion that put people to sleep instead of the modified one that Rachel used.
"Maybe. But that doesn't fix my bigger problem."
"Okay, what's the bigger problem?" Rachel asked.
"This," she said, gesturing at her books again. "Healing does not make sense. At all."
Rachel was completely surprised by this. She'd never seen a subject that Hermione hadn't successfully tackled. "In what way?" she tried.
"A basic understanding of how humans work. This isn't…If a muggle found these books they would laugh their socks off. Honestly, I don't know what to make of it, but magical people have a very different understanding of how humans function and I'm trying to reconcile that with what I know of biology and nothing bloody makes sense."
"Okay, but organs. And blood. And brains. We have all of those. They're not trying to say we don't, right?" Rachel asked, not even sure where to start.
"No, of course not. And they know things about blood pressure and blood sugar. And what each of the organs is doing and how we support them. But disease. There's no germ theory. There's no bacteria. There's no cell biology."
"They don't think we have cells?" Rachel asked, though her own knowledge of cells was limited to the fact that everything had cells and they were the building blocks of life. And that was as far as her primary school had gotten in the subject.
"Not as far as I can tell. And obviously we have cells. I mean, we have to have cells. This isn't…I mean, to be frank, I threw physics out the window seven years ago just to maintain my sanity. Conservation of mass means nothing to these people. But if healers aren't talking about cells, or germs, or any of this, what are we even doing?"
Rachel shook her head as she pondered this. She'd gone into potions inventing with the simple understanding that certain potions ingredients behaved certain ways under certain criteria and through the manipulation of the ingredients and the criteria they could make potions have different effects. But she'd never stopped to think about why they had those effects in the body. How did her potion make her forget her dreams? Was it interacting with her brain somehow? Magic? A combination of both? Which came with a new problem of what spells were doing to their bodies. She'd seen plenty of magical mishaps during her seven years at Hogwarts, but hadn't thought about it too closely because either the professor or Madam Pomfrey always set them right again with a minimum of fuss. "Have you asked your instructors?"
Hermione sighed. "They think muggle medicine is barbarism. If I ask them about germs and cells, at best they think it's not applicable, at worst they think it's something muggles have made up. Honestly, I can't even tell if it's applicable or if there is a whole field in medicine that they are ignoring."
"I suppose you have to ask yourself how crazy do you want to let it make you. If you can do your lessons and achieve the results they're asking for, that might be the way to go. If you want to be a curse specialist, do you also want to be pioneering a new field in healing? I have no idea how spells and potions interact with cells. Obviously they're doing something, and it's possible that it's important, but maybe it's not important for the things that you want to be doing?" Rachel suggested, since that was the only answer she had. "I think it bears looking into one day, but is that day right now?"
"Probably not. And they aren't going to listen to a first year Healing student regardless. I have to show that I have mastery over a field before I begin making changes. I just wish they weren't so quick to dismiss the things that muggles have discovered. I don't think it's a stretch to say that I'm the only muggleborn in the Healers Training Program. I haven't met any muggleborn Healers either. I guess I keep expecting at some point that it will stop mattering that I'm a muggleborn. I've acclimated to the culture. I received seven Outstandings on my NEWTs. I had four recommendation letters with my applications. And yes, they accepted me to the program, because how could they not, but to them I'm still just a muggleborn who has strangle muggle ideas." Hermione rested her hand on her chin. "We fought a war over the basic idea that muggleborns shouldn't be killed. That our cultural heritage doesn't make us dirty or lesser. But the war ending doesn't stop people from believing that. It just means they're not trying to kill us outright anymore."
Rachel sat with that for a while. The war had meant a lot of things to her. She fully believed in muggleborn equality and rights, how could she not? And she believed she would have joined the Order even if she hadn't been targeted, because it was the right thing to do. But the war for her primarily had been about survival and about stopping the endless bloodshed and torment. She didn't think winning the war had done anything to help stop prejudice against muggleborns.
"I don't know." Rachel finally said. "I don't know how we fix this. I think we've discovered that part of it is an exposure issue. Kids believe what they're told and then they take that out into the world with them. If people knew more about muggles, if they weren't so afraid of losing their ways and culture to them, maybe that would help some of the perceptions about muggleborns."
Hermione nodded. "And we know it can be done. We've introduced a number of purebloods from homes that aren't accepting of muggles to different muggle things. But they're our friends. How do we do that for an entire nation of people?"
"I don't know," Rachel said again. "But maybe we start with our books. If my name is on the cover, at least some people will read them." At least she could use her fame for something good.
"A better muggle studies program would be a good step too," Hermione said. "I'm not sure exposure is the entire answer, but it's a building block."
"I don't think it's the entire answer either. There are some people whose minds we can't change. But the more magical people who can begin to understand muggles, the more of them who can coexist with them and care when people want to hurt them. The more people who care, the harder it is for people like the Dark Lord to gain support," Rachel said. There were other important discrimination issues to address too, obviously there were if Hermione was the only muggleborn in the Healers Training Program. But they had to start somewhere. "Do you want to know something funny?"
"Sure, I could use something funny right now."
"This afternoon I came home and found Draco watching a cooking program on his own. He was very focused on it."
Hermione smiled. "If anything will acclimate him to muggles, the television will. We'll have to do some catch up with him about what is and isn't real on there, but cooking programs seem like a safe place. Now, why are you up at two in the morning? Don't you have to be at the MLE at eight?"
"Nightmares," she admitted. "Sometimes I need to get away from my bed and bedroom afterward. It's a lot easier sneaking down here than it was sneaking into the common room when I needed to get out of my dorm. I used to wake Pansy up all the time."
"Ah, I'm so glad to not be sharing a bedroom anymore. Parvati and Lavender used to keep me awake talking and when I suggested they go talk in the common room, they'd complain that they were already in their nightgowns. I'm never having someone else sleep in my bedroom again."
Rachel giggled. "What if you get married?"
"Then he can have his own bedroom," Hermione said, but she was smiling.
Rachel laughed again. "You can't do that, can you?"
Hermione shrugged. "Why not? Plenty of spouses sleep in different rooms because they need different beds."
"Really?"
"Yes, really. I'm not sure I'd call it a common thing, but it's not unheard of. Some people snore, or they need to sleep propped up because of a medical issue, or they just sleep better in separate beds."
Rachel thought she could live with being married under those circumstances, if there also wasn't any pressure to have sex. It really wouldn't be any different than living with her friends as they were now. "I suppose you'll have to tell your future husband that up front."
Hermione shook her head. "I don't plan to be married for a long time. I want to focus on my career and education first. What about you?"
"I'm pretty sure I'm never getting married. I just can't see it happening," Rachel said. She couldn't imagine that any person would really want to marry her once they figured out everything it came with.
"Well, the world is a big place. Who knows what will happen." Hermione stopped to yawn. "I might actually be able to sleep now."
Rachel thought she was far enough away from her nightmare now that she could go back to sleep as well, or at the very least, she felt calm enough that she could be inside her bedroom without feeling squeezed. "Probably not a bad idea, we both have to be up in the morning."
"You're alright after your nightmare?" Hermione checked.
"Fine. Just needed to stop thinking about it. You helped," Rachel said as she stood.
Hermione began gathering her books and notes. "I talked your ear off."
"Which was pretty much exactly what I needed, so it works for me. And I always want to listen to you if I can," Rachel said, knowing that Hermione had probably been carrying all of this since the battle at Hogwarts.
"Thanks. I haven't really wanted to talk about the war stuff with anyone. I know everyone has had a hard time with it and I didn't want to bring it up for them."
"Well, I wasn't there for most of the battle, so you can definitely talk about it with me if you'd like to," Rachel offered. She didn't know how much advice she'd be able to give, but she knew sometimes just listening and letting someone talk could help.
"Thank you, I appreciate that. I wouldn't be surprised if we bump into each other another night. But you can come to me too," Hermione said.
"Thanks," Rachel said, though she pretty much never wanted to talk about her nightmares. People already knew about the real things that had happened and they didn't need to hear her mind's wild elaborations on the things she'd suffered.
"Ready for lights off?" Hermione asked, drawing her wand.
"Yep, ready Feverfew?" Rachel checked.
Feverfew meowed and headed toward the staircase, Crookshanks following behind her.
"I think we're ready," Rachel said, pausing in the doorway for Hermione to turn out the lights and then following the cats back upstairs. "Goodnight," she said softly in the hallway, not wanting to wake Millie.
"Goodnight," Hermione whispered.
Rachel went back into her bedroom, leaving the door open enough that the cats could come and go during the night, and then climbed back under her covers. There was part of her that was tired, but her mind was turning over the problem of prejudice against muggles and muggleborns and what could possibly be done about it.
Feverfew settled on the bed next to Rachel and began taking a bath. Rachel rested her hand on Feverfew's lower back and idly pet her while she thought and waited to drift back to sleep.
"Down!"
Rachel dropped to her knees and elbows without hesitation as a flash and a rumble that simulated an explosion shook the fake village. She'd learned during their training last year when someone shouted 'down' in combat, there was always a reason for it.
She was back to back with Tonks and at the other side of the fake cottage they were sheltering behind she could see Jasmine and Auror Johansen. Their team had already caught two of the other team and had bound them with the Incarcerous spell. She hadn't seen Draco and Ron in a while, nor Emelia and Miles, which potentially meant they were captured or could just mean they were holed up somewhere else in the fake village. They weren't stunning, because that took a little while to recover from, they were just using combat interrupting spells and the practice spell that Tonks and Kinglsey had taught them last year.
Rachel had yet to be captured and she was hoping that it wouldn't be an experience that freaked her out when the time came. Whenever anyone was captured by the opposing team, Kingsley brought them to the front of the class and they talked through what had happened and what they could have done differently. No one had to say that the Death Eaters would be aiming to kill rather than capture.
Brian and Jamie from the beta team rounded the corner and fired on Jasmine and Johansen. Rachel scrambled around the corner of the cottage, only taking a quick glance to make sure she wasn't placing herself in danger by doing so, and then began to cast back at Brian and Jamie, forcing them down with the practice spell. Jasmine was around on the ground, bound by the Incarcerous spell, and Johansen was on his back, but he was firing on them as well.
Brian went to his knees and Tonks followed up with the Incarcerous spell. Rachel switched her focus to Jamie, knocking him down before he could retreat and Johansen hit him with the Incarcerous spell seconds later.
Rachel's heart was in her throat as she quickly took cover again and then made her way to Jasmine's side to release her.
"Thanks," Jasmine whispered as she pushed herself back up and rubbed at where the ropes had been binding her.
"Sure," Rachel said quietly, glancing at Brian and Jamie and feeling a little guilty that she couldn't release them too. The rules of the game said they had to stay bound so that they could be rescued by the other team, but Rachel was sure it had to be uncomfortable. She returned to Tonks and got a nod, which from Tonks meant that Rachel had done well.
They worked together to place Brian and Jamie with Angela and Sam. If the rest of the beta team knew where their prisoners were being kept, then they would be coming here as it was their only chance of recovery. She glanced around again, wishing she knew where the rest of her team was. They were kind of stuck here for the moment, since they were guarding the prisoners, but she would like to have known if they were still on the move. She supposed that was only realistic. In situations like this, she wouldn't know what was going on somewhere else.
Tonks was peeking around the corner of the cottage and Johansen was doing the same on the other side. Rachel suspected that at this point during a real combat situation, the other Death Eaters would be apparating away and abandoning those who had been captured. From what they'd been told, most Death Eaters weren't particularly loyal to each other.
There had been another attack in the newspaper yesterday morning. Four dead this time and the wards were taken down without alerting anyone. Kingsley had promised the team they had people working on the problem, including the Unspeakables. The goal was to have the auror teams responding to calls by the end of September.
The more Rachel learned from the aurors, the more she learned that it was a war of attrition against the Death Eaters. The goal was never going to be to go and catch all the Death Eaters who were attacking someone. The goal was to apparate in, nab as many Death Eaters as possible, and try not to get anyone killed before the Death Eaters apparated away. The Death Eaters had no reason to stay and fight them.
The long, drawn out fights they were practicing would be rare. For the most part the Death Eaters had no reason to stay and fight. At this point Rachel rather suspected that she and Draco were being used as bait for the Death Eaters. If the Death Eaters would stay to try and kill anyone, it would be them. Rachel found that for now at least, she was okay with that. Anything that would help stop the Death Eaters.
The sounds of fighting came from across the room, which meant at least some of their team was still free. Rachel wanted to go and help, but she knew she needed to stay put. There were times to go running to someone's assistance, but running out into an open space while there was a fight going on was a bad idea, and so was abandoning the prisoners she was guarding.
"Alright, enough," Kingsley called from the stands after the fighting had stopped. "Back in the classroom for a debrief."
Rachel went to the prisoners from the beta team and quickly began to release them. "Sorry," she told them.
"How many times did you hit me?" Brian asked.
Rachel shrugged. She had no idea, she'd just kept firing until he'd gone down. He should have shielded and retreated. "Sorry," she said again.
"All's fair in love and war," Tonks said, helping Angela to her feet.
They left the fake village and went into the classroom and Rachel found the rest of her team. "Where were you?" she asked.
"Other side, near the train station," Miles said, rubbing at his elbow.
"How did you get all the way down there?" she asked as she took a seat next to Ron.
"They kept pushing us, so we kept falling back. Finally they came and we took them down," Ron said, looking a little grumpy.
"We should have pressed them back," Draco said, also sounding irritated.
"You're welcome to have been first around the corner," Emelia said.
"Where were you?" Miles asked.
"Back on the other side where we started, we had prisoners," Rachel said before Kingsley took his place at the podium and the classroom fell quiet.
"Beta team, what was that?" Kingsley asked.
"We had them falling back," Alexis began.
"You divided your team, let four of your team members get captured, and then walked into an ambush," Kingsley said.
Heads hung around the room while the aurors in front looked either displeased or mildly amused.
"Michaels, what was your plan?" Kingsley asked Brian.
"To assail the point where our teammates were being held and to free them, sir," Brian said.
"To assail an established base where you were outnumbered while abandoning the rest of your team to an unfavorable situation," Kingsley corrected.
"Alpha team was retreating," Jamie pointed out.
"So what should you have done?" Kingsley asked. "Auror Williamson?"
"Pursued the retreating team with overwhelming numbers before regrouping to rescue our team," Williamson said.
"Good. Let's start with our captures. Larks you're up," Kingsley said.
Angela got up and moved to the front of the classroom and they began dissecting her capture and what she should have done differently.
About thirty minutes later they were released for the day and Rachel stretched. She had therapy later today, and trials tomorrow, and then a Wizengamot meeting on Saturday, but for right now she had a meeting with Madam Bones.
Rachel broke away from the group, heading in the direction of Madam Bones' office.
"Hey Rachel," Stella said, looking up from her work.
"Hi Stella. How are you?"
"Oh, you know, busy as ever. Thankfully the Wizengamot is starting to clear out some of the holding cells, so that's a relief. Our holding cells were never meant to hold this many people. You managing the trials alright?"
"More or less," Rachel said, though she knew Pansy's mother's trial was next Tuesday and she was not looking forward to that.
"Probably that's the best you can hope for. It will be over soon. Training alright? I hear you're pretty good," Stella said.
Rachel bit back a smile. "Someone said that?"
Stella shrugged. "I hear everything that happens in the MLE. People are still getting over the idea that there are two Wizengamot members on the auror teams and that you and Malfoy can actually pull your weight. Most Wizengamot members aren't really trained in combat. Some people around here seem to think that you can work miracles."
"I definitely can't," Rachel said, though there was a part of her that was really curious about what people were saying about her.
"Well, Madam Bones is expecting you. Good luck," Stella said.
"Thanks." Rachel was pretty sure she was going to need it for this conversation. She went down the hall and knocked on the doors to Madam Bones' office, entering when Madam Bones called for her.
"Ah, Rachel. How are you finding training?" Madam Bones asked, setting aside a pile of parchment.
"Pretty good. I'm learning a lot," Rachel said, which had the benefit of being true. She'd picked up a few more things from the aurors and had also learned a lot about the Death Eaters who were still at large.
"Good. Shacklebolt says you seem to be fitting into your team with no problems. No one is questioning you or harassing you?" Madam Bones checked.
"No, everyone on the team has been really polite," Rachel said, which was a relief. She was still getting looked at a fair bit, but they weren't questioning her - or asking her to sign autographs, thankfully.
"Good," Madam Bones said again. "How is your work with the victim's advocate?"
Rachel swallowed hard. That was less good. "We're working on it. I think I'll be ready to speak in time for the trial." She had vetoed talking about Theo's father, wanting to simply say that a Death Eater had used the Flaming Whip curse. She'd actually vetoed naming anyone there but Alfred Selwyn and the Malfoys. "I spoke with Professor Dumbledore and Ethan Davies as well."
Madam Bones nodded. "I know. Ethan came to see me."
"He wanted to know if I was telling the truth?" she asked, feeling a little dispirited. She'd thought he'd believed her.
"No, he wanted my opinion about the Imperius Curse problem. I told him what we will tell the Wizengamot during the trial. We have evidence that a Selwyn attended You-Know-Who not under the Imperius Curse. Alfred Selwyn at no time came to the MLE after You-Know-Who's death to claim he had been under the Imperius Curse. Alfred Selwyn was not at any of the battles on the twenty-first of June, and he certainly would have been if he'd been acting under the Imperius Curse from either another Death Eater or You-Know-Who."
"Did Ethan buy that?" Rachel asked. It sounded convincing to her, but she had a somewhat biased perspective on this.
"Ethan asked if Selwyn had asked an Unspeakable to examine his mind to look for memory tampering, to prove that he hadn't been memory charmed. Selwyn has declined examination by an Unspeakable, which more or less sealed the deal for Ethan and will for most of the Wizengamot as well," Madam Bones explained.
Rachel frowned. She disliked the idea that Selwyn's options were to have his mind violated or go to prison, but she thought that under the same circumstances she would allow a legilimens into her mind to prove her innocence. "How many people is this a problem for?"
"Of the batch we have right now, just Selwyn. No one else took the precaution of having themselves memory charmed, and the people who would have were killed during the battles. Selwyn was the Death Eater - that we know of - who had this kind of power and influence."
"But we're pretty sure Ethan will vote against him?" Rachel checked.
"Reasonably certain, assuming no new evidence comes to light before the trial. He said he will speak with the rest of his faction. I can't say for certain that Selwyn will be found guilty, but we have a reasonable chance at it now," Madam Bones said.
"Is there anything more I can do to help? Anyone else I should speak with?" She didn't want to do that, but she would do it if it was necessary.
"Just prepare yourself to speak at the trial. We'll take care of the rest on this end. Was there anything else?"
"Actually, there was one more thing I'd like to talk with you about, as a Wizengamot member, but also as a member of the MLE," Rachel said, hoping she was going about this the right way.
"Color me intrigued, go ahead," Madam Bones said.
"As a Wizengamot member, I'm looking to present a proposal for a new prison that doesn't rely on Dementors. Azkaban is unethical and something needs to be done about it. I've begun my research, but I need some help with things like visiting Azkaban and learning how other prisons work. My goal is to create a secure prison for magical people that is humane and doesn't torture people or kill them," Rachel explained, having adjusted her language about how she approached this after talking over what they had so far with Booker.
Madam Bones looked unenthused. "That will be difficult on a number of levels. Wait until we've got the trials for the Death Eaters we have in custody finished and for our auror teams to be operational. Then we can discuss this more in detail and give it the due consideration it deserves."
Rachel wanted to press and find out if Madam Bones really supported Azkaban and thought it was right to keep people there, but she didn't. She could wait and she was certain that Madam Bones was currently under a great deal of pressure. "Alright, thank you. Do you have any ideas of what would be good resources for me to learn about prisons from? I can't find any books and I'm not sure who else I would contact."
"I can give you access to the Ministry Archives with a level two clearance. That will give you information about Azkaban, but I don't believe we have information about other magical prisons there. Later, when I have a moment, I will make contact with a few people that I know from the ICW and see if I can come up with some contacts for you in other countries," Madam Bones said.
"Thank you very much, I appreciate that a lot," Rachel said, though she knew nothing about the Ministry Archives or what a level two clearance might allow her to access. She could ask Booker, since he knew pretty much everything about the Ministry, or so it seemed.
"Anything else today?" Madam Bones asked.
"No, that's everything. Thank you. I appreciate that you're willing to make the time to see me, I know you're very busy," Rachel said, suspecting that most of the reason that Madam Bones was meeting with her was because she wanted Rachel's cooperation for the Selwyn trial, and that the rest of the reason was because she was being courteous to a fellow Wizengamot member.
"I am busy, but all of this is part of my job. I know the transition to being a new Wizengamot member isn't easy, particularly since you did not have someone mentoring you for the position when you were a child, and I want to help if I can."
"Thank you," Rachel said again as she stood. "You'll let me know if there is news about Selwyn?"
"I will. We're watching the Selwyn family closely to see if they have any other surprises for us. Focus on your preparations, I'll let you know if there are any new developments on this end," Madam Bones said. "Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Longbottom are well? They're managing the trials?"
"I think so. I think we'll all be glad when it's over," Rachel said.
"It will be a relief for everyone involved," Madam Bones agreed. "I hope you have a good day."
"Thank you, you too," Rachel said, letting herself back out of Madam Bones office and heading back down the hall. Stella was away from her desk, so Rachel made her way through the MLE - pausing to wave to Cedric - and then to the floo. Now she just had therapy in the afternoon, and then she could settle down for the rest of the day with a project. She figured she'd work on her book outline or her sleeping potion research and then tomorrow she would ask Booker about the Ministry Archives so she could start doing more research on prisons.
Severus smoothed his robes and noted in the mirror that he looked every bit of the acerbic potions professor he had been three months ago. There was somewhat of a divide in the potions community to how he was regarded. He had earned the respect of everyone with his inventions and his skills, but older members of the community generally responded to Severus with an easy comradery, while the younger members who'd had him as a professor often eyed him warily. He did not mind the wariness. It was better than making small talk.
He was not looking forward to attending Guild events. He'd always used his busy teaching schedule as an excuse to get out of those and now he had no defense. That was a problem for another day. His problem for today came from his time as a professor, though he still did not have any more solutions than he had then the last time he'd seen Pansy.
Her note had arrived two days ago, pleading for his help. Severus had retrieved the list of Mind Healers that Torey recommended that might be able to help Pansy with her grief and hoped that was at least a step in the right direction. He did not anticipate that this would be an easy conversation, but he was glad Pansy was turning to him with this rather than Rachel. As far as he knew, Pansy hadn't spoken to Rachel since they'd talked about what her mother had done.
With a sigh, Severus left the bathroom and checked the time. He would be apparating to the Greengrass' home and he was thankful that Pansy was still welcome there while she sorted everything out. It was just before ten, but given that it was Friday, that meant Rachel would be spending most of her day sitting on trials. He was thankful she had two of her friends with her, and even her godfather, since Severus couldn't be there for her for this.
Severus went downstairs, idly glancing over things to make sure everything was in place. He was still becoming accustomed to living alone and to not seeing to the needs of students most of his waking hours. Gemma had written him to give him the general news about Slytherin House and the school and he had been relieved to hear that things were for the most part back to normal at Hogwarts.
Deciding that he would check on his garden this afternoon - his greenhouse was built and there were rows of seedlings planted - Severus apparated to the front of the Greengrass' home. He found the house situated in a large garden, though it was clear it wasn't a working garden.
"You can come through the wards, Mrs. Greengrass set them to recognize you," Pansy called from the front porch.
Severus walked down the garden path and arrived at the front porch. He paused and noted that Pansy looked wane and despondent. Her robes were loose and she was sitting with her knees tucked up to her chest. "May I sit, Miss Parkinson?"
"Please do. And call my Pansy, please. I'm not your student any longer," she said.
Severus sat down in the chair opposite of her. "Would you like me to cast a privacy ward?"
"Doesn't matter. Everyone knows."
Severus cast one anyway, suspecting that somewhere in her, Pansy did want this conversation to be private. "I'm aware that your mother's trial is on Tuesday," he began when she didn't speak further.
"Is it true?" Pansy asked.
He hesitated. "Is what true?"
"What Rachel said about my parents. Is it true?"
Severus supposed he should have been expecting this conversation. "I was not a witness to what happened that night in Malfoy Manor. I do know that Rachel was tortured with the Cruciatus Curse around forty times. I also know that your parents were in the Dark Lord's inner circle. They would have been expected to have been at an event such as this. A Death Eater circle of this type usually follows a prescribed format where everyone in the circle participates in the torture, followed by rape and murder. And I believe Rachel when she says that she recognized some people who were there, including your parents."
Pansy's face crumpled but her eyes stayed dry. It seemed that she was out of tears. "I don't understand."
He waited, but she didn't continue. "What don't you understand?"
"My mother. My father…I loved him. I still love him. And he loved me. He was a good father. But…the things he said sometimes, talking about the Death Eaters. I could see him doing this. But I don't understand how my mother could have done this. She was a gentle person." Pansy looked at him pleadingly. "How could she have done such a thing? I can see her killing, if she was forced into battle. But torture?"
Severus rather suspected that Ambrosia had done more in her career as a Death Eater than torture Rachel, but this was clearly the part that Pansy was stuck on. "Your mother was a Death Eater in the Dark Lord's inner circle, with all that came with it. There are no Death Eaters that haven't tortured and killed. The Dark Lord makes sure of it, so that people are afraid to leave. He makes the Death Eaters their only option."
Pansy's chin fell to her chest. "I can't imagine using the Cruciatus Curse," she said quietly. "I know Draco had to. He had to." She looked up at him, as if daring him to disagree.
"Draco had to use the Cruciatus Curse in order to keep his cover. He knew he would be expected to participate when he agreed to go in." Severus had been hoping they would have been able to get Draco and Rachel out before things reached that point, but he had known going into it that he couldn't guarantee that.
"I wish this had never happened. I wish the Dark Lord had never come back." Pansy stopped and sniffled. "I wish my mother had fled instead of being captured."
"I understand. The Dark Lord's return brought a great deal of suffering for many people." Severus would have much rather delayed the Dark Lord's return until Rachel had been adult. He was keenly aware that her adolescence had been interrupted by the war and that it played a large role in the difficulties she was having now. "I have a list of Mind Healers who work with people who are experiencing grief. Talking to someone about your parents and your experiences with them may help you find some relief," he said, taking the list he'd copied out from his pocket. He knew Rachel still had the original list and hoped that she gave it to Draco and possibly Theo when it was time.
"I'm not sure how seeing a Mind Healer would change anything."
"It's not going to change events that have happened or your mother's sentencing, but it might help you manage your feelings and your grief so that you can see a future for yourself. I have spoken with a Mind Healer before and I've found it helpful to get a perspective from someone who is entirely outside the situation. Have you begun to make arrangements for your family's estate and other necessities?"
Pansy nodded. "Mrs. Greengrass helped me with a solicitor. He's making the arrangements, which we will finalize after the sentencing." She stopped, pressing her lips together for a long moment. "My mother is going to Azkaban, isn't she?"
"I think that's the most likely course of events, yes." He watched for a moment before pushing the piece of parchment towards Pansy. "Talking with someone doesn't heal everything, but it's a start at figuring out what you are feeling and how you want to handle those feelings."
She took the list, her eyes moving back and forth as she read it. "Will they even care? It seems like most everyone is just happy that the Death Eaters are being sent to Azkaban."
"They will care about how you feel. If they don't, then it is time to try a different Mind Healer. I trust the person who gave me the recommendations. And you are not alone. There are other family members of Death Eaters who are experiencing the same thing you are."
"Draco says he's glad his parents are dead. I don't know how he can say that."
"I suspect glad is not the only thing he feels about his parents' deaths. And it's important to remember that Draco's relationship with his parents was complicated, made even more so by the fact that Lucius nearly killed him," Severus said, wondering if he should make an excuse to check on Draco.
Pansy sighed. "I never pictured my life like this. I feel like I became stuck in time when I learned that my father died, and now the world is just happening around me."
"That is a fairly common experience of grief. Everyone deals with death differently. It will take time and the way you feel about it now will not be the way you always feel about it." Severus felt he was experienced enough in losing people to offer that advice.
"And a Mind Healer can change how I feel?"
"Not necessarily, but they may be able to help you feel like you can rejoin the world."
"I want to want that. I want to want my life back."
"Give it some time. You are still undergoing a trauma," he said, which was also advice he'd given to Rachel many times.
Pansy sat quietly for a long time and they listened to the sounds of late summer birds and insects in the garden. "This is happening. No matter what I do, this is happening."
"Yes," he agreed, knowing she was talking about the trial again.
The tears came then and Severus sat with Pansy while she grieved. He figured he could at least do that much.
Rachel apparated into Severus' sitting room a little bit before six o'clock. She'd spent part of the day doing research - there was a lot of studies about sleeping potions - and she'd spent most of the afternoon working on figuring out wandless magic with her friends and they had taken some time to sit and have a conversation with Ginny and Luna in their two-way books. All of her friends were adding to the two-way books with notes from their masteries and while it was interesting, Rachel could see that it would quickly become beyond what she was familiar with just from their classes at Hogwarts.
"Severus?" she called, wondering if he was still brewing or if he was in the garden tending his plants.
"In here."
She went into the kitchen and found Severus making a stew and a loaf of bread was fresh from the oven. "Smells good," she said. She'd found that she was beginning to experience hunger again, which Torey had told her was a good step in her recovery. Rachel had thought she was completely recovered from her difficulties with eating, but apparently eventually she could come to enjoy food again.
"Good," Severus said, lifting his spoon. "How was your week?"
"Not bad. Staying busy. How about you?" she asked as she began to set the table for two.
"Staying occupied, at least. The greenhouse is coming along nicely. How busy are you?"
"Honestly, not nearly as busy as I was at Hogwarts. Not having three to four hours of homework a night helps a lot." She brought bowls and plates over to the counter by the stove so they could serve themselves.
"I never should have allowed your schedule to be what it was while you were a student," Severus said, ladling the stew into bowls while Rachel began to cut the loaf of bread.
"I didn't give you a lot of choice in the matter."
"You realize that as your father and your Head of House that I could have simply removed you from some of your classes or from your position on the Quidditch team?"
Rachel shrugged. "I told you I could handle it, and I did. Staying busy wasn't a bad thing."
Severus shook his head, but let the subject matter drop. "How is everything at your home?"
Rachel sat down and began buttering her bread. "Good. We're all pretty busy. Hermione and Millie are with their parents tonight for dinner and the boys are having take away. Apparently Sirius has taught all of them about the wonders of muggle take away."
"I presume your House Elves are cooking for you most nights?"
"They are. It took a bit of negotiating, but Kreacher and Dobby trade off nights that they cook. They are having a little bit of trouble getting along, but it hasn't descended to outright fighting yet." Rachel was brokering peace agreements whenever she could. It seemed the only thing that Kreacher and Dobby had in common was that they wanted to take care of Rachel and she felt she didn't particularly need taking care of.
"Be cautious. I can't imagine it will actually come to them fighting, but House Elf magic is powerful. Have you seen any signs that anything is amiss?" he asked, looking concerned.
"No. Really, no. I've convinced Dobby to not talk about being a free Elf to Kreacher, because it upsets Kreacher. They cook and clean on alternate days so that they aren't getting in each other's way. I try to make sure I spend some time with each of them individually so that they are getting support. Do you know if Mind Healers see House Elves?"
"I've never heard of such a thing, but Torey may know better than I would. It sounds to me like the House Elves are doing things that are appropriate for their culture. They aren't going to have the same desires and needs as humans because they're not human."
Rachel frowned. "That shouldn't mean that they aren't well taken care of and that they shouldn't have-" she paused, reaching for the right word. "That they shouldn't be allowed to do what they want to do."
"That's true, but what they will want to do and will find fulfilling to do will be different than what you find fulfilling. Cultural context is everything. What is normal in one culture can be unaccountably rude or impermissible in another," he explained. "You can't force someone to want what you want for them. That desire has to be inborn in them."
She supposed that was true. She just wanted Kreacher and Dobby to be well taken care of and it worried her that they were doing all the household work. Even though she was paying them. She wasn't exactly paying Kreacher so much as she was setting the money aside for him. He'd had a bit of a melt down when she'd told him that she would pay him. "I suppose." She would keep working on it, but try to do it in a way that wasn't upsetting for the House Elves.
"How are things with the aurors?"
"Good. My skill level is pretty close to everyone else's. Everyone is starting to get used to me. They're staring less, at least. I think it took a couple of times in training for them to take me seriously." She was aware that she didn't really look all that threatening, but that was alright. She was willing to let people underestimate her to their own detriment. Her stew was now cool enough to eat, so she began eating.
"Everyone is being polite and respectful?" he asked.
"Yes. I really just want them to think of me as another part of the team. The Quidditch team has gotten used to me, so I think the aurors will too."
"I'm sure they will with time. How are you and Draco managing the trials?"
Rachel shrugged. She'd had nightmares again on Friday and Saturday and she suspected that the trials were making them worse. "The trials are unpleasant, but they won't last forever. Draco seems okay. Both of us prefer our time with the aurors to our time with the Wizengamot."
"You're both prepared for Ambrosia's trial on Tuesday?" he checked, still watching her closely.
"I suppose we have to be. I'm not looking forward to it, but it's going to happen whether I want it to or not. I'm hoping that Pansy will eventually be able to forgive me for voting against her mother." She wasn't at all sure what to do about Pansy. She hadn't spoken to her since she'd told her about what her mother had done and she wasn't sure where to go from there.
"Pansy needs some time and some support. I gave her the list of Mind Healers that you gave me. Hopefully she will utilize it."
"I hope so too." She paused and then decided to ask. "You knew some of these people who are on trial, didn't you?"
"Some of them, yes."
She hesitated, not sure what she was trying to ask.
"Regardless of my affiliation with them, whether they were students of mine or people I knew as a Death Eater, they committed the crimes they are being charged with. While I wish it wasn't the case, we cannot change what has happened," he continued when she didn't speak.
"Some of the people on the list of dead Death Eaters were students of yours. Alice. And Jacob." She hadn't been sure she should tell him this.
"I know. There were others besides them as well. I did what I could for them while they were students. It's just as we were discussing earlier, you cannot make someone want the things that you want for them."
The more Rachel thought about the war, the more senseless it all seemed. All those people had died and suffered for no reason at all. It seemed to her that the situation was roughly the same as it was before the Dark Lord had returned, except a lot of people had died. That seemed wrong to her somehow.
"Have you noticed if Draco or Theo needs additional support following the deaths of their families? Would me talking to them help?" Severus asked.
"I don't know." Rachel sighed as she thought about her friends. "I think everyone is struggling a little. The battle at Hogwarts was really hard for everyone. Theo seems alright, but he doesn't talk about his father much. Draco could probably use some help, but I'm not sure he's willing to accept it right now. It probably wouldn't hurt for you to try."
Severus nodded. "I will do so then. Are you alright?"
"More or less," she said truthfully. Some days it was more, some days it was less. "I'll be better once Selwyn's trial is over with." She was hoping that her nightmares would at least retreat some after that.
"They have a date?"
"End of October or beginning of November." She had roughly six weeks to finish sorting herself out and preparing for this. It simultaneously felt like an eternity and not nearly enough time.
"You will get through this. Would you like for me to attend Selwyn's trial?" he asked.
Rachel thought about that for a moment and then nodded. "Yes, I think so." She thought having him there and knowing he was supporting her would help her be able to speak.
"You should be able to make the arrangements through the Wizengamot to invite me then. Ask your clerk, they will know the procedure."
"I will," Rachel said. Now she had a few things she needed to talk with Booker about. "Tell me about what you've been doing?"
"Do you want the details or just an overview?"
"Both," she said, curious about what he'd been brewing. She settled in to eat and talk about potions for a bit. That was easier than talking about trials and the war.
Rachel was sitting between Draco and Neville, with Sirius on Draco's other side. The day of Ambrosia Parkinson's trial had finally arrived and Rachel felt like she had a lump in her throat. The Wizengamot was almost done gathering and Rachel could see a small group of people gathered in the section for visitors. Pansy was there, sitting between Daphne and Mrs. Greengrass. Rachel was glad she had someone to support her. There were also reporters present, which was pretty standard for the trials. Rachel swore her blood boiled whenever she saw Rita Skeeter.
Ambrosia Parkinson hadn't been brought into the courtroom yet and Rachel wasn't sure how it was going to feel to see her. The last time she'd seen Ambrosia Parkinson it had been when Rachel was being tortured. The time before that had been at Draco's fourteenth birthday party. Rachel wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel. She didn't hate Pansy's mother. She wasn't afraid of her either. Mostly she hated that the situation was hurting Pansy so much.
"Alright?" Sirius asked them quietly.
"Not particularly," Draco said with a fixed expression. "I've known the Parkinsons since I was an infant."
Rachel reached over and patted Draco's hand. Draco tensed for a moment and then exhaled.
"I know it's not easy, but we'll get through this and Pansy will get through it too," Sirius said, still pitching his voice soft.
Rachel looked across the room at Pansy again and wondered if Pansy would get through it. Draco had only told them that Pansy was struggling and that now was not the right time to reach out to her. Millie had written Pansy with an offer to visit, but Pansy had declined. Rachel hadn't tried to speak with Pansy since the last time and was waiting for Pansy to give some sort of signal that she was okay speaking with her again.
"Is there anything that we can do for Pansy at the moment?" Neville asked.
"Not right now, I think," Draco said.
The room fell quiet as Madam Bones stood. "Let us have order. Bring in Ambrosia Parkinson."
The far door opened and two people in MLE robes came in with Ambrosia Parkinson and a Dementor. Rachel wondered how they could possibly stand to be so close to a Dementor without their Patronuses protecting them. She knew her response to Dementors was extreme, but she felt that everyone must have some response to them.
Ambrosia was chained into the chair in the middle of the room. She looked small and diminished. Rachel remembered a woman wearing nice robes and her hair done in fancy hairstyles and looking like the essence of a high society pureblood. Here, Ambrosia looked more like a wilted flower that was slowly dying from lack of care.
"Criminal Hearing on the fifteenth of September 1998 under offenses committed under the Unforgivable Curses Act and the Death Eater Activities Act by Ambrosia Parkinson, resident of Parkinson Hall, Wiltshire. Presiding over this hearing is Madam Amelia Bones, Head of Magical Law Enforcement. Court scribe is Stella Brewerson. As required in trials on offenses committed under the Unforgivable Curses Act, the full Wizengamot is in attendance," Stella said from where she was standing.
"Thank you, Ms. Brewerson," Madam Bones said. "We will begin with a statement from Auror Masterson, who made the arrest."
A woman in blue MLE robes came down to the center of the room and began to speak.
Rachel listened, trying to watch the auror who was speaking, but she kept finding her gaze drawn to Ambrosia.
Pansy loved her mother. Rachel knew that without any doubt what-so-ever. Whenever they were talking about family stuff in the dorm, Pansy always had something to say about something her mother had told her or something they'd done together. From everything Rachel had heard, it seemed like Ambrosia was a good parent.
Rachel also knew that Ambrosia had used the Cruciatus Curse. She knew that very personally. What she couldn't understand was why her feelings about Ambrosia were so different from her feelings about Alfred Selwyn. They'd both used the Cruciatus Curse under the exact same circumstances. Rachel was deeply afraid of Alfred Selwyn and anticipated that he would attack and kill her if given the opportunity. She didn't feel that way at all about Ambrosia. She didn't think Ambrosia would attack anyone, regardless of what she'd already done.
But at the same time, Ambrosia had been given the opportunity to step away from the Death Eaters, but she hadn't taken it. Pansy had tried to offer her a way out multiple times. Rachel could understand being afraid of the Dark Lord. Being afraid of the Dark Lord was only rational.
Severus had tortured and killed because if he hadn't the Dark Lord would have killed him. Ambrosia had done the same thing. The only difference was that Severus had stepped away from the Dark Lord and then had saved lives by spying. Did Severus saving lives by spying make up for the lives he'd taken? Rachel didn't think it worked like that.
She listened as Stella began to read the transcript of Ambrosia's interrogation. Multiple instances of the Killing Curse had been on her wand. Ambrosia stated that she had seen two people fall to her curses. She had participated in five Death Eater circles, using the Cruciatus Curse each time.
There was no doubt that Ambrosia was guilty of those crimes.
Rachel didn't know what she was supposed to do. She couldn't find Ambrosia not guilty. That would be wrong. But somehow, sending Pansy's mother to Azkaban felt equally wrong.
"Thank you, Ms. Brewerson," Madam Bones said when Stella finished reading the transcript. "We have not had any victims request to give a statement to the court today. Mrs. Parkinson, you may speak for yourself."
Ambrosia shook her head, seeming like she was supported entirely by the chains. Rachel could see tear tracks on her face.
"The accused has declined to speak. The court will vote. To find Ambrosia Parkinson guilty of violating the Unforgivable Curses Act in seven counts and the Death Eater Activities Act in six counts, please raise your hand. To find her innocent, leave your hands unraised," Madam Bones directed.
Rachel hesitated for a moment and then raised her hand. To her sides she saw Neville, Draco, and Sirius raising their hands as well, along with most of the court around her. Across the room she could see Pansy covering her face while Daphne held her.
Stella returned to Madam Bones with the tally and Madam Bones stood. "Ambrosia Parkinson is hereby found guilty. She is sentenced to Azkaban for life. This court is adjourned for an hour."
"Mother!" Pansy cried out as Ambrosia was released from the chair and was escorted away from the courtroom by two people in MLE robes.
Rachel turned to Sirius. "Will Pansy be allowed to see her mother before she's sent to Azkaban?"
"I don't know," Sirius said.
"Is that something I can make happen?" she asked.
"I don't think so. The MLE has their procedures in place. Come on, we should leave before any reporters try to get to us. It's not a secret that you're friends with Pansy," Sirius said.
They followed Sirius out of the courtroom and began climbing stairs.
"Is it going to be a problem with Pansy that you voted against her mother?" Neville asked Draco quietly.
"There's a good possibility that it will. But I can't be seen as letting off Death Eaters that are friends of the family. I know Pansy understands that, but it might take some time for her to recognize it," Draco said, looking a little grim.
"I really hate this," Rachel said. "This feels wrong to me. I can't see letting the people who did these things go free, but this is wrong."
Sirius sighed. "I know what you mean, but right now our two options are letting the Death Eaters go free or sending them to Azkaban. We have to make the choice about which of those things is the lesser of two evils until we can make larger changes. Right now I believe that for most of the Death Eaters we're seeing, releasing them is going to get people killed."
Rachel agreed with that for the most part. "I don't think Pansy's mother was going to hurt anyone else."
"She wouldn't have," Draco said. "But we made the right decision regardless. All of the Death Eaters who were there that night deserve to be in prison. And so do all the Death Eaters who were there on other nights where the same thing happened to different people. If my parents were down there, I'd be voting to send them to prison too."
"What about Severus?" Rachel asked, hearing her voice crack.
Sirius stopped and cast a privacy ward around them. "Snape is far from my favorite person. He's pretty low on the list, probably landing somewhere above most of my relatives. And he did some terrible things as a Death Eater. But he also paid for what he did during his time as a spy. The information we got from him saved a lot of lives and we all knew that no matter how much we disliked him, he had the most dangerous job in the Order."
"Does it work like that? Where helping people makes up for something terrible that you've done?" Rachel asked, feeling guilt well up inside of her. She did not want to cry here in the Ministry.
Sirius exhaled heavily. "Hell if I know. I know it doesn't fix things. I know there are things in my life that I'm ashamed of and will never stop being ashamed of. I think all we can do is our best. We try to make up for the wrongs we've done. We listen to people when they tell us we've hurt them. And we try to do better. Whether or not that extends to things like killing people, I don't know."
Rachel kept her lips pressed together and bit down on the insides. She hadn't felt this overwhelmed in a long time.
"I think it makes a difference in what they chose to do," Neville said after a long moment. "Professor Snape was a Death Eater once, but he chose to walk away from that and to do better. He knew You-Know-Who and the Death Eaters would kill him for it, but he did it anyway, and then he became your father knowing that it would only increase his chances of being killed. Maybe he's done some really bad things, but he's done some really good things too."
"And he left the Death Eaters. Ambrosia didn't do that and I know she had the opportunity to do so. None of the Death Eaters that we're seeing made the decision that they didn't want to be part of this anymore. All of them went to those battles with the intent of killing as many people as they possibly could. I'm not saying it was an easy choice. It probably wasn't an easy choice for Professor Snape either. But he did the right thing and she didn't," Draco said.
Sirius set his hand on Rachel's shoulder. "Come on, we don't need to be having this conversation in a dank stairwell."
Rachel let him guide her up the staircase and wrestled with the guilt she was feeling. She half thought the right decision was to step down from the Wizengamot. She was sending these people to Azkaban and no matter what they'd done, that was wrong. But she couldn't fix the bigger problem of Azkaban without being on the Wizengamot. Did fixing the problem of Azkaban later - assuming she could even do it - make up for sending people there now?
"Are we doing lunch?" Draco asked when they reached the Wizengamot chambers again.
Rachel shook her head.
"Are you just going to sit in your office and mope for the next hour?" Draco asked.
Rachel nodded.
"Do you want company?" Neville asked.
"No, thank you. I just want to sit somewhere quiet for a little bit," Rachel said.
Sirius gave her a searching look. "I'm going to come bother you in thirty minutes."
"Okay," she agreed. "Draco, do you need company?"
"No. I need to sit down and figure out how I'm talking to Pansy tonight," Draco said. "What exactly are you supposed to say to your girlfriend after you participate in sending her mother to prison?"
"I don't think there's a set rule on that one," Sirius said. "I always start with flowers and an apology when a woman is hacked off at me."
"I'll see you in a bit," Rachel said. She couldn't help Draco with that one, she wasn't sure what she was going to say to Pansy either. Assuming Pansy ever wanted to speak with her again. She left in the direction of her office, nodding occasionally to other Wizengamot members and clerks in the hall, but only out of politeness.
She was relieved to find that Booker was not in her office and she sat down without bothering to take off her Wizengamot robes.
"Tough trial?" Monty asked.
"My friend's mother, who also happened to be party to torturing me," Rachel said, slumping lower in her chair. "How did you do it, Monty? How did you live with sentencing people to Azkaban?"
"I lived with it because it was better than the alternative," Monty said. "Very few things will earn a person a life sentence to Azkaban, with the belief that once a person has crossed one of those lines, they are too dangerous to be allowed out into society."
"Do you really believe that? That just because a person has cast an Unforgivable Curse, that they're irredeemable?"
"I don't know anything about redemption," Monty said. "You've cast an Unforgivable Curse, have you not?"
"I have. I killed the Dark Lord using the Killing Curse." Sometimes she forgot about that. Sometimes that memory didn't feel real at all.
"What did it feel like? Don't give me your first answer, stop and think about it for a moment."
The answer that she wanted to give was that it had been horrible. Killing someone should be a horrible experience. She was supposed to feel guilty or afraid to pick up her wand or something. "It felt right," she admitted. "It didn't feel good, not exactly. But it felt right."
"And with the Killing Curse, it always does. No one using the Killing Curse is afraid to kill. You can't cast the Killing Curse with doubt or uncertainty. You cast the Killing Curse in full knowledge that the person in front of you is about to die and you want it that way. That it is right and correct. You want them dead beyond any other desire in that moment. And it only becomes easier and easier to feel that way the more times you use it. All three of the Unforgivable Curses have that sense of rightness with them. The sense that you are doing the right thing."
Rachel hung her head. "Do you think I should be in prison?" she whispered, afraid of the answer.
"No, I don't. Sometimes a terrible weapon is required for a terrible job. But do you understand why the courts are leery of anyone using those curses?" he asked.
"Yes. But I don't believe that it's right to torture prisoners. I don't believe it's right to torture anyone. For any reason."
"Most people do not consider Dementor exposure torture. What happens to you when you're exposed to Dementors, my dear? Why do you believe this?"
She shook her head slightly. "I collapse and fall unconscious. I relive some terrible things in my mind. And then I have nightmares for weeks afterwards reliving those same things again. But I've heard Sirius talk about Azkaban. He doesn't experience the same things I do, but what he went through is torture. If people don't believe that being in Azkaban is torture, then they're welcome to volunteer to stay there for a week and see how they feel about it after that."
Monty chuckled. "Somehow I can just imagine the expressions if you were to suggest that in a Wizengamot session."
"I just might," Rachel said. Somehow she had to make people see that this was wrong. And since she had the best chance of fixing this from the Wizengamot, she would have to stay. Saving all those people in Azkaban had to be worth what she was doing now.
"You'll want to go about this carefully. You can't just march in there and tell people that Azkaban is wrong. You won't get anywhere with that. You have to make them see the advantage," Monty said.
Rachel nodded. She had to make this work somehow. There were no other options. And in the meantime she'd just have to live with the guilt.
