Ugh. Well, he needs several until noon. Or one quite thick one. At ten in the morning, he's going to give him some kisses because talking doesn't seem to work, but kisses are new.
Wow! Everyone using the same thing for their own benefit.
Of course! What else can be done? Other than seeing if the sleeping beauty wakes up.
He does wake up, although he might bite first.
Bite?! What?!
Well, he's not used to being kissed by anyone! It's like a... reflex, who knows what he was dreaming!
The unexpected squeal.
Crowley automatically releases him when he squeals, fully waking up.
"But what... Crowley!" he protests, probably dramatically bleeding.
"W-What? What?" Crowley blinks, noticing... is that lipstick?"
No, it would be beautiful if it were lipstick. Super cute and romantic. In contrast to...
"Tell me you're not releasing venom! Heavens... my arms are starting to feel numb..." he's being such a drama queen.
"What? Venom?"
"And it hurts! I'm never kissing you EVER again," he's being super dramatic. Like, super super dramatic.
"But what happened?" Crowley raises his hands in confusion.
"I can't feel my tongue now! I'm going to die!"
"But what happened?"
"You bit me!"
"Me?"
"Yes, you! Like a snake!"
"No... I can't... I don't... How would I even know if I'm venomous?!" Crowley looks at him, horrified.
"Well... well! It's your teeth! I just wanted to give you a kiss!" Aziraphale whines.
"I-I'm sorry, I didn't even realize," Crowley takes his cheeks to see how much he's hurt him.
Aziraphale looks at him all scared with both hands on his mouth. Crowley tries to move them away a bit, finally lets them, so he looks at his lip and... damn it, he did make it bleed.
Of course he did!
"I was ONLY going to wake you up! I didn't expect you to take a chunk out of me!"
He runs his thumb over it and bites his own lip, worried because he doesn't know if it's venomous. What if it is venomous? I mean, nobody had ever died from his bite as far as he knew, but he also wasn't going around biting people.
"I can't feel my legs!" he's just scared, which is different.
"Okay, calm down, calm down... I-I'm sorry, I didn't expect that... I didn't know that..."
"My lips are going gangrenous!"
He grabs him desperately by the nape of the neck, bringing his lip to his mouth and sucking the supposed venom. What a good excuse. Because he saw on a TV show that's what you do with snake venom.
Aziraphale puts both hands on his chest unexpectedly, then closes his eyes and seeks the kiss. Damn it, it only took you two hours to train him.
Well, Crowley forgets what he was doing, really.
"Mmm..." he moans a little into the kiss, but doesn't pull away.
And then Crowley remembers he was saving his life, no... no! He tries to suck again.
"Mmmm... wley..."
"Shh... shut up," he continues with it. Convince yourself if you want, but... you're not convincing us.
Aziraphale miraculously feels his arms again, he strokes his chest and then hugs him by the neck.
It turns into another kiss. You can't just keep sucking on his lip and his thoughts like that!
"Mmm..." another little moan without thinking.
Ugh, ugh, okay, another suction. You're going to leave his lip bruised!
"Mmm... like this?"
Finally, the demon releases him to look, and now his lip looks like they've been kissing for hundreds of hours, although he protests because Crowley has separated.
He looks at him worried because this doesn't seem to be getting better... What if he has poisoned him? He has no idea if he might be venomous. Wasn't it one of those things that started the whole vampire thing? Or was it the crosses?
Doesn't matter, the point is if it's venomous... I mean, some snakes were, as far as he knew, it could be. They would have to go to the doctor. To a specialist in snakeology or whatever they were called, although... he shouldn't have to worry that the venom would affect a human the same as an angel.
Plus, he can already imagine it... "And what kind of snake bit him?" And him screaming "Me!" Desperately before turning into a snake and making the poor guy faint.
But where would he take him if not?
To heaven... "Gabriel. Gabriel, shut up. No... No... let... let me speak... don't shout at me, Gabriel, damn it! Shut up! I know I shouldn't be here, but this is an EMERGENCY. Do you know of any other angel who has been bitten by a demon by MISTAKE?" Ugh.
To hell... "Lord Beelzebub, shu… Shut up. Please... please let me... let me speak... Damn it! Yes! I know the plan was to kill him, but he's dying! Bloody hell... Hey, guys! Has anyone ever bitten an angel by mistake?" UGH.
"A-Are you trying to kiss away my pain, dear? Not that it's not lovely of you..."
"W-What? N-No!"
"Have you ever bitten anyone before?" the angel smiles a little involuntarily, and... a little blood comes out.
"Well... I suppose I have."
"You have no idea, do you? Goodness!"
"Well... it's not... a common practice!"
"Didn't you say you did this millions of times in Sodom and Gomorrah?"
"What? Nobody said millions of times!" he retorts because he spent the whole event hidden behind a bush on a hill, watching everything horrified. But nobody's ever going to know that.
"Well, thousands of kisses without biting anyone," he crosses his arms.
"But I can't be venomous, can I? Look at how swollen your lip is!"
"How is it?"
"It's all swollen and red..." well, of course, you've been sucking for like twenty minutes!
"I can't believe this is how you're going to kill me! And you haven't killed anyone else before!"
"Well, I don't know if anyone else has died like this!"
"Good heavens..." he gets up to go to the mirror. "Heavens... this... is punishment."
"It's just... I don't know who I could ask if... what do you do when you get sick?"
"Well... I fix myself!"
"And couldn't you do that?" he squints because maybe, since it's demonic venom, it doesn't work! Ugh!
Aziraphale raises his eyebrows as he looks at his swollen lip in the mirror and blushes a bit because... it's not just the bottom lip that's swollen. The upper one is a bit swollen too, and he thinks it's from so much kissing. He closes his eyes to try to expel the venom like it was alcohol from his system. Crowley looks at him tilting his head.
"H-How does it look?"
"It's... still red."
"And if... you try?"
"Try what? H-Healing you?"
"Don't you want to?"
"I'm afraid it might make it worse."
"Why? Are you going to hurt me?"
"No... It's my specialty that kind of thing. I'm not an angel."
"Are you telling me you don't know how to heal someone?" he blinks incredulously.
"Well, it's not... why would I... I mean... that's kind, I'm not kind!"
The MOTHER of eye rolls.
"I'm serious!"
"Okay... okay. I'll fix it."
Crowley bites his lip because that doesn't mean he's not worried.
"Still, it seems to me not at all that you're unkind, dear."
"I can't believe that's what you're going to argue with me about right now," he protests.
Truth be told, with the kiss, Aziraphale has felt considerably better. So, he looks in the mirror and snaps his fingers, trying to miraculously heal himself. Let Gabriel come and tell him that he can't heal his wounds with miracles now. Come on. Let him dare. He squints, thinking he can't be serious.
Aren't you supposed to let yourself be killed by the guillotine?
Ugh. Okay, okay, he snaps again.
"I don't think I should heal myself with miracles."
"Why not?"
"I don't think heaven would be very pleased..." he hesitates.
"That you heal from the attacks of the demon who's supposedly trying to kill you according to them?"
"Well, they really don't like it now!"
"They've never liked anything anyway."
"Yeah, yeah... but before they didn't find out, and right now... well, do I or do I not have a better mouth?"
He stands up and approaches to look at him, again taking him under the jaw, and damn demon, every time you do that his heart races and he swallows.
What he has now is a huge hickey that I don't know if it will have gone with the miracle because it's not exactly an... illness to heal.
No, the hickey hasn't gone away at all. In fact, it's just a little less swollen.
"Uh... it's just that it seems to... pulse."
"I-It pulses?! Like a heart?"
"Y-Yeah..."
"No more kisses," he squints, although actually, if he thinks about it... he feels like it pulses like a heart.
Crowley, who was about to come closer to see if he could feel it pumping, stops.
"Until it... stops having a life of its own. You haven't put eggs or something weird on my lip, have you?"
"Eggs?"
"How should I know," now you're making things up, Aziraphale. Who knows what he had read the night before. He squints because HE HIMSELF doesn't want to follow the no-kisses rule.
"That's spiders!"
"Well, how should I know! I've never been bitten by a snake on the lips and then had it pulsate... come on, look at it closely!"
"But it's not like snakes lay eggs through their teeth!"
"Well, I hope not! Look at me!" he gets close again.
"Okay, okay..." he does, taking his face again. "It's just red and swollen."
"What do humans do when this happens?" he squints.
"How should I know? Probably die."
"What? No!"
"Well... how am I supposed to know what they do?"
"I don't know!"
"Go to the doctor, I guess. But there's no doctor who's going to know what to do with you."
"Let's just leave it at that."
"I could..." he swallows.
"If it gets worse... I don't know. Can't you try to remove the venom yourself just on principle? It's yours!"
He moistens his lips unsurely, and okay, he snaps his fingers.
And what happens?
I don't know because he was trying to remove the venom, but does he have venom? The truth... it was something Aziraphale INVENTED because he got scared. That's why I don't think anything really happened.
Aziraphale blinks. Crowley squints a bit, looking to see.
"What?! What?!"
"It doesn't seem like... anything... happened."
"Wait, wait... you really don't know how to heal someone?!" he raises his eyebrows.
"Well, it's not something that I... we... that..."
"And you don't heal yourself when you get hurt?"
"Yeah, sure, but it's not the same."
"Why not?"
"Because healing myself is different, I know if it worked."
"And this... but how is it that there's nothing visible?"
"Look, I can... talk to Hell to see if someone has ever..."
"No one's going to have anything ever, don't go near Hell. Just... let's wait."
"And if you die?"
"I don't want you to go to Hell," he squints. Crowley looks at him because the problem isn't really going to Hell, it's coming back from there. "No. No. No, I don't want you to go there. It's out of the question. In fact... I don't want you to leave here. Period."
"And? Are you going to kidnap me?" the demon raises his eyebrows.
"Well... yes," he decides, blushing a bit and nodding.
The demon stares at him for a long moment, making him swallow and blush a bit more... And then he tries to run away because he's an idiot.
Okay, okay... Aziraphale blinks, not expecting that, of course you can leave, idiot.
Crowley reaches the door and looks back at him, smiling slightly.
The angel sighs a bit, overly aware that the moment he walks out that door, whoever is spying on him will know he's there, that he's been there, and... they won't be able to see each other again. He smiles a bit.
"I forget that telling you 'you can't do a thing' means you'll do EXACTLY THAT."
"It's that easy to manipulate me."
"Then go," he gestures with his hand.
Crowley looks at him and tilts his head to the side with a feigned sad expression.
"Let me die in peace with my books," he also knows how to make drama out of that.
"It would be a shame not to take credit for this because I couldn't stand you for a couple of hours," he releases the doorknob. "But God knows well the sacrifice..."
Aziraphale laughs, rolling his eyes, and secretly feeling a bit relieved.
"So, I have exactly two hours to die? I'll read."
"Maybe it's three... but we all know that if it's more, the one who will die will be me."
"Fine, this will be decided soon then... by the way, I'm glad to know that you do exist in the mornings."
"That I exist?"
"Don't you say you don't believe in mornings? Well, you and mornings exist."
"Ugh. This doesn't prove their existence."
"Not only that... it also proves that you can exist in them and function quite well," the angel walks past him towards his desk. "Well, perhaps we should plan what we're going to do now..."
Suddenly, Crowley collapses to the floor in a dramatic movement as if he had no bones to scare him, with a dramatic "ahh! I'm dying" although it's quite obvious that... he's just being silly.
"Hey! Crowley?!" he approaches him.
The demon pretends to be dead on the floor, but he can't hold back his laughter.
"Ugh!" he's actually a bit startled. "For a moment there, I thought you were... Ugh!"
"I am, I am..." he whispers.
"You look like a dead spider," he bends down to him.
Crowley theatrically puts his hand on his forehead. You should stop laughing. Aziraphale chuckles a bit more genuinely.
"Did I kill you? Can I fill out my report now?"
"No, it was the morning. But you can take the credit... who's going to check?" he glances at him. The angel laughs a bit more, genuinely.
"You're such a talkative corpse."
"And whose fault is that?" he looks at him, changing his posture yet again.
"Mine?" he asks hopefully, smiling sideways.
"It must be one of your angelic gifts to heal people or something."
"You're hopeless, my dear."
"Then it won't be your angelic grace, but rather that you're a nightmare," he laughs and stands up because he doesn't really like being on the floor.
"I'm a nightmare? Me?!"
"Of course, one of the worst."
"But you're the nightmare. OBVIOUSLY."
"One thing doesn't exclude the other," could you look less proud?
"It's not a compliment!" he goes to sit in his armchair.
"Of course it is!" he gets up from the floor, and since you keep telling him all the time that he's sooo good and soooo sweet, someone finally admitting that he's a nightmare...
"A terrible... and eternal one," Aziraphale smiles, taking a book from somewhere.
"In the end, you'll make me blush..." Crowley responds so cynically, although you're probably already achieving that.
"It's a nice contrast with your eyes," he opens the book.
"What? The red?"
"Yes," he looks down at the book. "You're particularly... adorable."
The demon rolls his eyes, but he just remembered something, so he goes through the library looking for something on the shelves.
"I thought I was a nightmare?" he pouts.
"You are, you are. One of those who passes as an adorable demon... and bites you when you least expect it."
He glances at him and has to stop himself from physically feeling the need to worry again and apologize and assure him that it was an accident.
The angel's smug little smile. Look how much better he feels now.
"That's me. Terrible and wicked," the demon returns to what he's searching for.
"Please. Use. Gloves."
"And I don't regret it at all, I did it with full intention," he adds just in case, and having to explain it doesn't help your case. He pretends to blow his nose and wipe it before taking a book.
"Exactly, just like that."
The demon laughs and spits on his hands before rubbing them together to spread it evenly before running his fingers over the books to find the right one.
"Heyyyy! Don't make me get up! What are you looking for?"
"You don't know where it is."
"Yes, I do. I know where all the books are."
"Not this one."
"How would I not know where a book is and you do?"
"Because I put it there."
"You? Don't mess up my book organization!"
"Yes. Anyway, you didn't even notice..."
"When did you do that?!" Aziraphael closes the book and goes over there.
"A while ago, it's easy to hide things here," Crowley continues running his hands over the spines, leaning down a bit.
"What else have you hidden here?"
"Stuff..." he shrugs, taking a thick tome, opening it, and upon finding nothing inside, returning it to its place.
"What stuff?"
"Well, stuff I might need one day."
"What kind of stuff could you need here?" he approaches him. The demon glances at him and then returns to the books, smiling. "Hey? You haven't hidden anything indecent, have you?"
"Not anymore."
"What?!"
"And certainly not the dangerous stuff... I didn't check if they were still here after the fire," he chuckles a bit, trying with another book.
"What stuff... no... what stuff?!"
"I could check..." he looks at him. "No, but I'm sure you'd get hysterical. Aren't you expecting more customers?"
"I want you to check! Oh... I should put up the closed sign."
"No, no... Go and attend to them."
"I don't want to attend to them. Are you trying to get me to leave so you can do... whatever?"
"To check that the things I hid are still here, yes," he finally finds the book he was looking for. Upon opening it, there's a hole shaped like sunglasses, with the glasses inside. He takes them out. Aziraphale raises his eyebrows.
"What!? What book is... when...?"
Crowley returns it to its place, hanging the glasses around his neck. Aziraphale approaches to see which book it is. Probably one of the many bibles he has, a duplicate.
A bible!
"And then he complains that I give too many blessings!"
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"Who hides sunglasses in a bible?! And worse, who punctures a bible!?"
"A demon. You have a million of them anyway."
"No!" he protests a bit. "What else did you hide around here?"
"Ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine," he replies, smiling.
"Do you mean to tell me there's more than one thing in each book?"
"Not all of them are in books... Before you start frantically checking all the books in the shop."
"Well, I want to know what you're hiding in my books! And if you're punching holes in them!" and worse yet, I don't even find out!
"I don't punch holes in yours, I just get others and bring them here," eye roll.
"I'd like to know exactly how you got that bible," he smiles a bit more.
"Oh, no, that one was yours," he lies.
The angel looks at him with narrowed eyes, the demon moistens his lips and tries to smile at him.
"Anthony J. Crowley."
"Principality Aziraphale."
"Don't. Touch. My. Bibles," he frowns.
Eye roll. Because his fingers also itch a bit when they're intact and in good condition.
"And don't roll your eyes at me!"
"Drama queen."
"Drama angel."
"Well, go and see if you have more customers or not."
"I don't."
He snaps his fingers and the doorbell rings. Eye roll from the angel.
"Alright, alright. I'll leave you here," he turns and heads to the door... obviously to sneak back and spy on him from the next hallway.
In fact, there's no one there, the doorbell just rang.
Of course, he knows that. I mean, it's not very complex to figure it out. He went to the door to pretend to fall and then quietly returned to the next hallway, as if that was going to help him much.
Anyway, he's waiting for him with his arms crossed.
"Oh..."
Crowley smiles.
"What?" he blushes a bit. Damn sexy demon.
"Nothing, it's done. Everything's in its place."
"What? You haven't taken long at all! What's everything?"
"There aren't that many things."
"What are they?"
"Condoms, angel."
