Everytime you do it man, it turns the knife.
I stood outside the door, letting the torrential rain pelt me and my shoulders.
It was just a few minutes before I had to clock in, the early morning rainstorm beginning as soon as I started the drive here.
I didn't hesitate getting in the car.
I didn't hesitate getting out.
But as soon as I gripped the door handle, my whole body froze up.
I can feel the chill of the cold handle travel up my arm like a snake, coiling around the rest of my body.
Standing in the pouring rain, the cold water was the least of my worries.
After breakfast yesterday, I ignored Nikki all day.
She kept texting me, even trying to call me at times.
But I let the phone ring every time.
I really couldn't understand why.
I wasn't mad at her.
It's not her fault.
But I couldn't shake the feeling something bad was going to happen if I answered that phone.
Like it was opening Pandora's box.
This weekend was eventful enough, I couldn't handle anything else.
But opening the door to the office was the same scenario.
I started debating in my head, what could be worse?
Just turning around and leaving, or going inside?
What will tomorrow be like if I just-
"Dean, you good?"
"Aah!"
"Yo! What the fuck Dean?!"
"Alex! Don't…sneak up on me like that!"
"The fuck? Bro, I was walking straight towards you through this clear ass door, the hell you mean 'sneak up on you'?"
"I didn't…see you because of…"
"Dude, you were standing outside for like three minutes straight. I kept buzzing you in but you were just standing there, you were creeping the hell out of me."
"Was I…three minutes? Really?"
"Yeah! You're soaked, what the hell were you doing?"
"I don't….I must have…man I was out of it for a second."
"You're telling me. What the fuck are you doing out here?"
"Honestly…wondering what would happen if I just turned around and left."
"Haha, alright, I hear you man. I do that almost everyday. Come on in man. Get out of the rain."
"Thanks."
I stepped inside, and started shaking off whatever rain wasn't absorbed into my clothes.
Alex walked past me right back to his desk.
I could hear him resume his Pokémon-ing.
"Ah shit, I forgot my Switch again man. I swear, I'll bring it in tomorrow."
"You're good man. My brother stopped by over the weekend and helped me out. Thanks though."
"Got'cha."
I rubbed my shoes on the welcome mat, and started walking towards the desk.
"Hey look man, you better hurry up to your office."
"Why, am I that late?"
"No no, you're good, but Rebecca is in your office waiting for you."
In that moment, I could feel my heart thump like an oil drill.
It felt like that heartbeat shot my heart straight up into my throat.
I had to swallow my heart back down before saying anything else.
"Oh…uh….r-really?"
"Uh…yeah."
"Oh…uh…"
My forehead was still soaked, now I couldn't tell if it was the rain or sweat.
"Dean, you good dude? What's the matter?"
"N-nothing, uh….did…did she say anything else?"
"Nope. Nothing. Just wanted me to tell you to hurry up."
"O-okay."
"Why you so scared man? You're like literally the only one she likes, you know that."
"Y-yeah. Yeah. Yeah."
"Good luck man. Talk to you later."
"Yeah…yeah…see ya Alex."
I squished my way over to the elevator, and kept shaking myself dry until it opened up.
I stepped inside, waved to Alex who waved back, and the doors closed in on me.
And once the elevator started to shift up, it was a long way to go.
Not the top floor, but just one below it.
When the elevator began to feel like it was going too slow, I wanted it to speed up.
If the elevator felt like it was going too fast, I begged it to slow down.
Floor after floor, ding after ding.
My heart began to thump again with every new level.
Sometimes it started feeling like I was going back down.
I had to lean against the wall of the elevator, I was ready to collapse with how sick I began to feel.
"Fuuuuck…me…."
I winced my eyes and tried taking deep long breaths.
But before I could get my shit together, the elevator dinged one last time.
The elevator spoke, telling me I arrived at my floor.
But what I heard it say was
'You are probably about to die mother fucker.'
The doors began to spread open.
I closed my eyes and took one last deep breath in.
"Welp. Here goes."
I started walking out before I even opened my eyes.
I could feel the carpet with my first step and-
"There you are you moose."
"Aah, Jesus Christ!"
"Whoa whoa, what the hell man?"
"Don't….do that Rebecca! Please?"
"Don't do what?"
"Sneak…up on me!"
"I was in front of you shithead, how the hell did I sneak up on you?"
"Just…I don't know!"
"Fucking hell, you're extra sheep-ish today."
"What…ever! What do you want?"
"Well good morning to you too, you asshat."
She turned around and headed down the hallway towards my office.
Her voice was the same.
Her walk was the same.
But I couldn't shake the feeling she was laying down more traps with every step.
I very slowly started to follow her.
"Sorry, sorry. Uh…good morning."
"Uh-huh."
"So uh….Alex said you were waiting for me?"
"Yup."
"So uh…what's up?"
"Well if you'd hurry the fuck up I can show you."
"Okay okay, sorry."
She scurried into my office.
The fact that she hasn't said anything yet about what I was having constant heart-attacks about could have potentially been a good sign.
I turned into my office and started taking my coat off.
"So have you had more-"
But then I could hear my office door slam shut behind me.
"Aah!"
Up against the wall, I can see Rebecca holding her arm flush against the door.
"Now that is sneaking up on you."
"For fuck's sake, what is with you people today?!"
" 'You people'? What about you?"
"What about me?"
"You're a lunatic, what gives?"
"I don't-"
"Yeah yeah, you don't know. What the fuck else is new."
"But I-"
"But nothing you seahorse. Sit down."
"Why?"
"Oh my fucking….god you suck. I hate you and you suck. Just sit the fuck down."
"I-I know. I'm sitting down now."
I sat down in the nearest chair, which had me facing my own desk from behind.
Rebecca promptly plopped herself in my much more comfortable office chair, resting her ankles on top of my desk.
"Hey wait a second, how come you-"
"Shutup."
"Okay, sorry."
She locked her fingers together, resting her balled up hands on her waist.
She started swaying back and forth, just staring at me.
"So."
"Uh…so?"
"You've been talking to a camgirl huh?"
"Uh…look…it's not-"
"Shut."
"It's really not-"
"The."
"Look, Rebecca I-"
"Fuck."
"Uh…"
"Up."
She resumed swaying.
Tilting her head, observing me from every angle.
"Dean. Be honest with me."
She took her feet off my desk, and leaned towards me.
"Are you just talking to her for the hell of it? Or is she helping you?"
I could feel my forehead become a faucet.
My sweat was so salty and concentrated I started smelling like low tide.
"Uh…uh…well….uh…"
There was the truth, and then there was the correct answer.
I obviously knew what the truth was, but I couldn't fucking decipher what the correct answer was.
The correct answer being the one that'll get me the quickest and least painful death.
"Look, you weren't uh…I…was just…uh…"
My office had its own temperature control, and she must have set it to fucking Arizona.
"She…isn't a…uh…well…"
She slowly stood up, dragging her fingertips across my desk as she walked around it towards me.
Here it comes.
I wonder what eternity will be like.
"Uh….uh…."
I could see her lift her arm, so I closed my eyes.
Any second now.
I'll be meeting the big guy, or his bastard son, or just simply never open my eyes again.
Time to find out.
I held my breath, bracing for the impact.
Would it be blunt force like a hammer?
Would it be sharp like a box cutter?
Or would it be…
Man, is it just me, or I am having a lot of time to ponder this?
Am I dead already?
One way to check is try and open my eyes.
And when I did, it wasn't the big guy or the other big guy.
It was actually Rebecca, hushing me with one finger.
"Dean. We've been over this. Just be fucking honest, please."
"But Rebecca I-"
"Shh. Stop. Why is it such a big deal?"
"Because…because…"
"Have I given you a reason to think it's a big deal? Or are you the one making it a big deal?"
"W-what?"
"Dean, it's not a big deal."
It's not a big deal.
"Gah!"
Suddenly my head felt like it was about to be stretched apart.
But as soon as the immense painful headache showed up, it was gone just as fast.
"Whoa Dean, what happened?"
"I…I had this…huge god awful headache out of nowhere but…it's gone already."
"A headache?"
"Yeah…it was horrible. But…just for a second. That was fucking…weird."
"Dean, you need to go home or something?"
"No no, I'm good."
"That's super debatable you skink."
"I promise, I'm good now."
"Are you sure? First you're sweating like a typhoon, then you scream in pain, and…god are you sure?"
"Yes, yes. I swear."
"Alright, if you say so."
"I promise."
"Okay, because we aren't done here."
"Huh?"
"What's up with the camgirl dude?"
"Oh….um…."
"For fucks sake."
She threw her arms up and headed towards the door.
"Wait!"
"Why should I bother Dean? I could be doing my job right now but instead you're tripping over every single fucking word like a baby horse."
"I'll…tell you. Okay?"
"Uh-huh. How about you go tell one of your friends? Since I'm not one of them."
"Rebecca!"
"You won't be honest with me, so fuck it."
She opened the door, but before she could get out I stood up and slammed it shut again.
I could see her jump.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."
"Jesus-seriously! Why have you been so fucking weird these last few days!?"
"It's just…been an eventful few days. Okay?"
"No, no it's not okay! I could understand being nervous about a new project but you can't seriously tell me that justifies being a fucking-"
I muffled her, just like at the cafe.
"I'll tell you. Okay? Please calm down."
She furloughed her brow at me.
She was still surprised, but I could tell she didn't appreciate it this time.
She whacked my hand away, before letting out a huge sigh.
"Fine. But I'm sitting in your chair and you don't get to do that anymore."
"Deal."
"Alright Dean. Let's hear it."
She leaned back into the chair, her arms folded over her chest.
"Her name is Nikki. And I just met her on Saturday morning, before that meeting we had."
"So you were jerking off."
"I wasn't….yet."
"Yet?"
"I was…looking."
"Uh-huh."
"But then I saw her thumbnail, thought she looked interesting, and clicked on her."
"Interesting?"
"She has bright blue hair."
"Oh, got'cha."
"Yeah. But then before I know it, I'm talking directly to her through the chat. She seemed sad, and I was just trying to be nice."
"And?"
"And all of a sudden, it clicked. I was panicking all Friday night about the new comic, I drunk myself stupid stressing about it. I didn't know who to ask for help, since I didn't think I could ask anyone here."
"Why not?"
"It's just a weird thing, like we talked about at breakfast."
"Eh. Whatever. Then what?"
"In like a weird eureka moment, I thought she was perfect to ask for help. And to my surprise, she agreed. So we talked a little about it before the meeting, and a little before our breakfast."
"So that's where the cam-girl idea came from?"
"Yeah."
"And was she the one that wanted the input on the male?"
"Kind of. I've been following her every step, and she thinks an opposites attract thing will be good. But when I told her you have the male, she said it could be tough doing the opposites thing without knowing the male first."
"Uh-huh."
She unfolded her arms, and leaned onto the desk.
"So, now. Sorry if this seems redundant, but why the fuck was that so fucking difficult to tell me?"
"I….thought you would be upset. And when you found out and drove off so quickly, I thought you were mad."
"Why would I be mad?"
"Well…I know we are supposed to keep things private and if my ideas weren't my own, then you'd be-"
"Uh-huh."
"What?"
"I said uh-huh?"
"Well, why?"
"Just thinking."
"About what?"
"I dunno."
"You don't know what you were thinking about?"
"I'm asking the questions you rodent."
She slowly stood up, and walked over to me.
She leaned down, getting to eye level with me.
She started whispering again.
"For your information, let me tell you what actually gets me mad."
She took a deep breath in through her nose.
"I get mad, when people assume shit about me. When little weasels go around trying to tiptoe around my back because they think they know me."
She rested her hand on my shoulder.
Before promptly sinking her nails into my collar bone.
"When they think they know how I work, and they think they can decide who I'm allowed to work with or not."
She started digging so much into my shoulder I had to grit my teeth to deal with the pain.
"I get mad when people lie to me, thinking whatever it is they are lying about will make me happier. I get mad when they try to keep me as a blissful little idiot."
She went around to my back, and started digging into both of my shoulders.
Like she was gonna try and rip out my rib cage through my mouth.
"Re-Rebecca-ah-okay-okay-I-"
"Shut up Dean."
I could feel her nails pierce my skin like a scalpel.
"I'm not a little girl. I'm not some worthless little bitch with a pencil. I'm a fucking adult, okay?"
"Okay-okay-okay-okay-okay."
"Are you gonna tell me nothing but the truth from now on?"
"Yes-yes-yes-yes-yes-yes."
"Promise?"
"For the love of god yes, please-please-please-please."
The pain was bringing me up to my feet, trying whatever angle I could to release any of the pressure.
But trying to stand with my back pressed down in the chair made it worse.
"You gonna keep talking to the camgirl?"
"Wha-ow!"
"Are you?"
"Sh-should I? Fuck-ow-ow-ow."
"Fucking duh Dean."
And just like that, she released, plopping me into the chair.
I winced my eyes, writhing in the pain.
If my shoulders weren't on fire, I'd be more confused as to why she wants to me talk to Nikki.
She started talking to me in her normal voice, since I couldn't hear her whispers over my moans of pain and sighs of relief.
"If you can't write this story, then I can't draw it. She's got us this far, I'd say we need her at this point. And she's had good points and ideas up until now."
"So-ow- you're…not mad?"
I opened my eyes, and peeked at her.
She grinned, and chuckled.
"No you antelope. I never was, and I wouldn't have been."
"Oh…"
"Didn't we go through this already? Just be honest with me man. Unless you start telling me you're some serial killer or your weird sexual fantasies, just be open about it. Aren't we like officially friends now?"
"Uh…I gues-Jesus Christ am I bleeding?"
"Only a little."
"Christ…yeah, yeah, you got it. Totally honest from now on."
"There you go, that's my Buddy."
She slapped me hard across the back.
"My pal."
Another slap.
"My amigo."
Another slap.
"Okay, I get it! Can you be a friend that doesn't constantly hurt me?"
"I was until you started constantly lying to me."
"Alright, alright. Fair enough."
"I'm gonna be in my office if you need me."
"Okay, see you Rebecca."
I can hear my door open from behind me.
I leaned over in the chair, trying to un-fuck the muscles in my back.
The door closed, but I could hear more footsteps from behind.
"One more thing Dean."
Rebecca grabbed both my shoulders again, and slammed me backwards into the chair.
"Dude! Didn't we just-"
She hushed me again.
Without saying another word, she started to climb onto my lap.
At first she stopped with both her legs hanging off to one side, but then she shuffled around to where one leg was hanging off of both sides.
Was…what is happening?
Is this real?
Is she straddling me?
I had the words to say to her.
I had all of the questions ready to ask.
'What are you doing' and 'why are you doing this.'
'Get off of me' and 'Don't do it.'
But yet, nothing came out.
Even my shock got caught in my throat.
She eclipsed the light, leaving nothing for me to look at except her face.
In that moment, all of my senses felt heightened.
My nervous saliva tasted stronger.
I could smell her perfume or shampoo or whatever it was.
I could hear both of our heartbeats.
I could see the details in her iris, the asymmetrical patterns in the different colors.
She softly touched my cheeks with her palms.
I could have sworn I could feel the ripples in her fingertips.
She leaned in even more, blocking out more of the light.
"Dean, stop overthinking everything."
I still couldn't speak.
"Everything you've been freaking out about wasn't worth freaking out about. You need to stop getting in your own head."
She stroked my cheeks with her thumbs.
My heart began to beat in rhythm with her strokes.
"It's just you and me, okay?"
My senses started dying down.
The tastes and scents were fading away.
"No one else. Just us. Not just coworkers either. We're partners now. Okay?"
I felt enough of my body to nod my head.
But I never broke the eye contact.
"We'll get this done. Just stay calm, and be confident. I need you just as much as you need me. Okay?"
I nodded again.
"Okay. And Dean?"
She leaned in even closer, right besides my face.
The light she was blocking was now shining directly onto me, forcing my eyes shut.
I could feel her breath on my ear before she whispered even softer.
"Call me Becky."
It's been a few minutes now since she left.
I was at my desk, with my computer loaded up.
Rebecca…
Becky sent me some more of her artwork for the male, so I was jotting down notes.
Everything felt like it was flowing again.
It started to feel like a normal day of work again.
But there was this itch in the back of my mind I couldn't scratch.
As weird as it seemed, I think I really absorbed what Becky was trying to teach me.
It was unfair how I misjudged her, how I assumed she'd be mad and for no other reason other than the ones I came up with.
My head felt like it was screwed on tightly for the first time in a few days.
But there were other things she said that kept bothering me.
Not what she said to me, but the things she called herself.
Or, what she said she wasn't.
A worthless bitch with a pencil?
A blissful little idiot?
It's been years since we've started working together.
For as long as I've known her, Becky was always the same.
She always talked the same, worked the same, dressed the same, this was the only Becky I ever knew.
Even when she had her standout moments, like this weekend and just a few minutes ago, it was so easy to just brush it all under the rug. That rug being her eccentric personality.
The weird things she did was normal because she herself was weird.
But despite all of that.
The insults, the habits, the violations of personal space, despite all of it.
I never thought she was worthless.
I never thought she was an idiot.
I never thought she was immature or childish.
She didn't have to convince me of any of that.
As an artist and as a coworker, I've always thought the world of her.
So why did she say those things to me?
Why did she have to try and prove it to me?
I just can't stop thinking about it.
About her.
If we're really partners, and if we're really friends, I need to know.
Becky…
Are you okay?
