Running through my head, over and over.
It rained all day. The constant pattering of the rain felt like ticks of a clock.
I didn't leave my office much, only to go to the bathroom.
Becky never stopped by, and I don't think I ever saw her leave her office either.
She never texted me again or video chatted me either.
I spent the whole day writing up a couple different intros and prologues, keeping our options open in case any of them stick.
Without knowing much about the camgirl character besides she's a camgirl, I was thinking of ways for her and the male to meet.
Some of them were innocent coincidences like accidentally locking eyes at the grocery store.
Some had some dramatic intro, like the male swooping in to save the camgirl from some hecklers.
After polishing and finishing up the last few, I got a phone call from Alex.
"Hello?"
"Hey Dean, what's up?"
"Nothing much."
"Cool cool, hey, just letting you know it's five o'clock."
"Oh fuck, really?"
"Yes sir."
"God damn, the day got away from me. Thanks for letting me know, I'll be right down."
"No problem, but hey, can you swoop up Rebecca for me too? You two are the last ones, as per usual."
"Yeah, sure. Will do. Cleaning up some stuff and we'll be right down."
"You got it."
After I hung up, I double checked and saved all my files and shut down the computer.
After nearly starving myself to death during A Raven's Bleeding Wings, I stopped bringing the files home with me on a flash drive.
I couldn't resist the urge to keep working on them from home, focusing so much on them I wouldn't feed myself.
Once I closed the office door, I walked over to Becky's office, which was just across from mine.
I raised my hand to knock on her door, but it swung open before I could.
"Oh Dean, hey."
"Hey Becky, perfect timing."
"I was on my way to come pick you up."
"Same here."
She locked her office door, and we headed towards the elevator.
"So Dean, what have you been up to?"
"Nothing much, just got a couple different possible intros worked on."
"Cool cool."
"And you?"
"Eh…not much."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"That's not like you."
The elevator opened up and we scurried inside.
I pressed the ground floor button and backed up.
The door closed, and we both leaned up against the wall.
As we slowly descended, Becky spoke first.
"So what else has Nikki said about the story?"
"Oh, nothing much since. I didn't talk to her yesterday."
"Wait, you didn't?"
"Nah."
"Why?"
"Uh…"
"Dean, what the fuck?"
"Well…I kind of…ignored her."
She responded by punching my gut.
"Jesus- what the fuck was that for?"
"You suck. I hate you and you suck."
"I know, but still?"
"You ignored the one person helping this story?"
"I…yeah. I was nervous about you, and her, and…I was just a depressed little caterpillar yesterday."
"A depressed little caterpillar?"
"Yeah…"
"You suck."
"I know."
"Dean, don't lose her. We need her."
"Yeah, I know. I won't."
"Good. What does she look like again?"
"Umm…like…slushi blue hair that barely reaches her shoulder."
"Oh, wow."
"Yeah, she has an interesting-"
"No no, I'm just surprised you gave a useable description on the first try."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I was expecting you to say 'well uh' first and then stumble over your words like a baby elephant a million times."
"….how the fuck does a baby elephant stumble over words? It's a fucking elephant."
"I dunno."
The elevator slowed down, and then the doors opened up.
Revealing a jumping Alex, struggling to put his jacket on.
"Jesus Mary and Joseph, about fucking time!"
I didn't even bother turning on the lights to my apartment.
I followed the city lights to my couch, threw my jacket on the end, and collapsed on it.
I really didn't realize how heavy my thoughts were until I was off my feet.
My mind was three lane traffic, with cars constantly honking and flipping each other off.
The far fast lane was Becky.
The day was normal, she seemed normal.
But yet, that made her seem 'not' normal.
Sitting on my lap, the things she said, seemingly moving on like none of it happened.
The fast lane was peeking over the barrier onto the oncoming traffic, watching the other thoughts and possibilities zoom by.
Was there something in between the lines?
Was there nothing there to think about?
Last time, overthinking ended up hurting her.
But then again, I've never hurt her before. Should I overthink now?
In the middle lane was me.
Trapped in between lanes, people constantly cutting in and out and slamming on the brakes.
I don't know where my destination is, but I know it's miles ahead.
So I'll let all the intrusive thoughts cut me off.
Watch the other thoughts swerve into either lane when I wasn't going fast enough for them.
Just tapping on the brakes every now and then, going with the flow.
Since being in the middle lane trapped me.
Couldn't go left, and couldn't go right.
And in the right hand lane, was Nikki.
Cars veering off the multiple exits, never to be seen again.
Where are they going?
Is that where they meant to go?
Do they know a better way?
Or are they sick of waiting, and will take the backroads?
Should I follow them?
Or just wait here and play it safe?
Despite not moving at all, it felt like my head was spinning out of control.
The left and right lanes swooping and blurring in and out of my vision.
Crashing back and forth at their mercy, not having a choice but to brace for impact.
In between the flashing colors, I could see a dark green.
The next exit coming up.
Whether it was the right choice or not, it would stop the spiraling.
The exit was on the right, towards Nikki's side.
I had to get my head together.
I had to grip the wheel and try to get control.
And whatever direction I faced, that's where I had to go.
I switched to the next lane, and drifted all the way onto the exit.
With one deep breath, and one tight grip, I started heading straight.
The road started to curve, past the trees where I couldn't see ahead.
I ended up on the exit ramp, following the curve.
I didn't know where it went, but I had to slow down.
The wheel gripped tight, the brakes pressed down.
I gained control, the car starting to cruise.
I picked up the phone, and went down to Nikki's name.
I pressed it, and the phone started to ring.
And it continued to ring.
Over and over.
But her name faded away.
She never answered.
And so I had to slam on the brakes.
Alright Dean.
That's enough analogies for you today.
Becky told you to stop overthinking.
This whole big car highway allegory you got going on is exactly that.
You were just about to spiral down again because Nikki didn't answer, weren't you?
Yeah you were, you loser.
It's late.
She's probably in bed or something.
That's why she didn't answer.
People are allowed to miss the phone here and there.
Unlike you, who does it all day on purpose.
That 'purpose' being pretty fucking slimy.
So how about this.
Go get changed. Go take a shower. And go to bed before you monologue yourself into a coma again.
Take what you have been given and have been told today to heart.
Everything is fine.
Everything is normal.
Granted the normal is weird, but it's a just a weird normal.
Or would it be a normal weird?
Nonetheless.
Just one more day in the life of You.
Tomorrow will be the same.
Relax.
You are now all nice and clean and dry.
Your bed awaits.
Just brush your teeth and-
Wait is that your phone?
Err, fuck, I mean- my phone?
I ran over to my bedside table where my phone was charging.
In bright white letters, Nikki's name shined, almost bright enough it was projecting onto the ceiling.
I leaped for the phone, and pressed it into my ear as soon as I pressed the green button.
"H-hello?"
"Dean! Hey!"
"Nikki, hey, hi. How are you?"
"I'm good, I'm good."
I turned on the bedside lamp and sat down on the bed.
I thought I was already relaxed, but hearing her voice, seemingly not mad at all, even took more weight off of my shoulders.
"I'm sorry I missed your call Dean, I was cleaning up and didn't realize my phone was on silent."
"No problem Nikki, not a problem at all. I'm the one that has to apologize, I didn't talk to you all day yesterday."
"Yeah about that, but quickly, Um…."
"What's up?"
"What's wrong with your screen?"
"My-my screen?"
"Yeah, I can't see anything."
"Wha…huh?"
"Dean, you know this is a video call right?"
"Huh?"
I lowered my phone quickly, because frankly I had no idea what she was talking about.
I faced the phone, and to my surprise Nikki's face took up the whole screen.
"There you are Dean. What, did you have the phone up to your ear?"
"Uhh…"
"You goober, did you think this was a normal call?"
"Uh…yeah but…I'm trying to figure out how-"
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"You know I can see you right?"
"Aah fuck!"
"Whoa whoa, Dean? You good?"
"Uh…yeah…just uh…hold on."
"What happened? Did you throw the phone or something?"
"Nothing nothing…I just uh…need to put a shirt on."
"Oh, okay. I mean, you don't have to."
"Hey uh…hey."
"Hey."
"Here uh…here I am. I'm sorry, I just got out of the shower and-"
"You're good Dean. It's cool."
"Cool. Uh…cool. Cool."
"You seem uncomfortable."
"Huh? Me? No no, I'm not…un…uncomfortable. No no."
"Bullshit dude. I can tell."
"I…I'm sorry."
"You don't have to be. I just didn't think you'd be this shy. I didn't think it would be a big deal."
"I mean…it's not that big a deal I guess. I just haven't really…done this a lot."
"Done what, video chat?"
"No no, but like, video chat with people I never even met yet."
"Uh-huh."
"What?"
"You haven't met me yet?"
"Uh…I..no that's not what I meant I-"
"Hasn't this been pretty much what we've been doing so far?"
"Well…yes and no?"
"No? How so no?"
"You…haven't ever…seen me."
"Well I am now."
"Yeah…I know."
"Dean, I'm just relieved you aren't some gross dirty old man after all this time. You don't gotta be so nervous."
"Oh, okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, yeah."
"There you go. So, tell me. What's been going on all day?"
"Well after the chat ended I went to go get breakfast with the artist."
"Oh awesome. How did that go?"
"Well, eventful to say the least. She didn't give me the male, but she showed me some of her concept art so far. I'll send them to you right now."
"Ah, got'cha. No prob, Let's take a look."
"There you go, just sent you everything she sent me."
"Got 'em. And uh…whoa. Holy…shit these are fucking incredible. This is just the concept art?"
"Yup. I told you, she's amazing."
"I'm already in love with this guy. He looks so good."
"I agree. But turns out me and her had different ideas about what kind of character he was."
"Really?"
"Yeah. After seeing him I just thought he'd be some rough and tough big boy but my artist said he was actually the real gentle and caring one."
"And why was that?"
"Well, she went into vivid detail I'd rather not think about."
"Oooh, so she had her own little fantasy of him?"
"Yeah, pretty much. Holding her and reassuring her and uh…amongst other things."
"Goddamn."
"Yeah. But before I can ask her more about it she left."
"Gotcha gotcha."
"We didn't talk much today either, so I spent a lot of hours trying to come up with some intros and setups."
"Alright cool, let me hear some."
"Oh shit, uh, lemme think…"
"You don't have them with you?"
"Nah, I do what I can to not bring work home with me. I can get carried away very easily."
"Fair enough man. Can you remember any of them?"
"Well the first one I came up with was the male was actually a manager of sorts and-"
"Nope. Gonna cut you off right there."
"Oookay?"
"No manager nothing. No one is in charge of the other. That'll complicate a simple narrative."
"Will it?"
"Yes. Just trust me on this. You have other suggestions right?"
"Err, yeah. Uh, I was thinking about maybe the male being a bodyguard for-"
"Nope."
"Fuck, okay, uh… they randomly meet in a grocery store?"
"Well that's not the plot."
"No, I guess not."
"Anything else?"
"The only other one I can remember at the top of my head was the male was a personal trainer."
"Nah, I don't- huh."
"Huh?"
"That actually doesn't sound too bad. I can see that being organic and spicy."
"Really?"
"Yeah actually. Gets them close, it lets them meet realistically, and there could easily be like…what's…uh…"
"Hmm?"
"Like…what's the word for when there's like…not trouble but like it feels like there's something bad?"
"Uh….tension?"
"Yes! Sexual tension!"
"Okay, cool. So, the male is a personal trainer and the female is a camgirl. Sounds pretty solid."
"So how do they meet?"
"Is he not just hosting a class?"
"Dude. 'Personal.'"
"…and?"
"He's not a fitness guru, he's a 'personal' trainer. Personal. Person. One single person."
"Alright alright, noted."
"So why is the cam girl hiring a personal trainer?"
"Uh… got me there."
"Nothing?"
"All I thought about was intros, nothing else."
"Well come on man, brainstorm."
"Uh…well, does it have to be something far fetched? Why not she just wants to stay healthy, and she's making good money so she can afford it?"
"Boring."
"Fuck. Um…she gets jumped, he saves her, so she starts taking lessons in self defense?"
"No. Also not the same thing."
"Uh…she won a couple free sessions in a raffle?"
"What the fu- a raffle?"
"Yeah?"
"No. Dean, no."
"Come on, you gotta help me out here."
"Look, you're relying too much on coincidences."
"Well isn't everything arguably a coincidence?"
"Dude."
"Honest!"
"You know what I mean."
"I obviously don't."
"Come on smartass."
"Genuinely, this is all I can come up with."
"Alright, whatever. Um…let me think."
"You got it."
"Alright, okay, so, you've written horror before right?"
"Yes, that I am much more familiar with."
"Okay, give me an example."
"Uh…one of them involved a serial killer on a boat."
"Okay, cool. Now. The victims and the killer. Why were the victims and the killer on the boat?"
"Why?"
"Yes, why were the characters on the fucking boat. Why was the killer killing?"
"You mean what was his motivation?"
"Motivation! That's the fucking word! Yes!"
"Oh."
"What's the motivation Dean? Why is the male a personal trainer and why is the cam girl looking for a personal trainer?"
"Huh. Alright, I'm getting it now."
"Give me something good."
"Um…well…taking what she said about reassuring…"
"Yeah?"
"Maybe, the cam girl has a bad self-image? She really doesn't think much of herself, so she wants a personal trainer to help her make her feel beautiful?"
"Whoa."
"Whoa what?"
"That's…that's it Dean. That's it."
"It is?"
"Yeah. That's perfect."
"Wow, thanks. That's honestly a big relief."
"Yeah."
"Nikki?"
"What?"
"You good?"
"What? Yeah, yeah, absolutely."
"You sure?"
"Yup. It just hit home a little."
"Oh God, I'm sorry. It was just an idea, I had no idea-"
"It's cool man, it's not your fault."
"What?"
"It's not your fault?"
It's your fault.
"Gah, fuck!"
"Whoa whoa whoa Dean, what's wrong?"
"Gah, my…my head."
"What's wrong? What the fuck just happened?"
"It…it's gone. It's over, but Jesus Christ that was awful."
"Hello? Dean? You gonna tell me what the fuck that was or not?"
"It…happened earlier too. Randomly I get this super wicked headache, but it's over immediately."
"That doesn't sound good at all, has that always happened to you?"
"No, never."
"Maybe you should get that checked out man. I'm not one to run to the doctors but still."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"It is late, maybe you should get some rest."
"I mean, I'm still good to talk."
"No mister. 'Maybe you should get some rest' means get your ass to bed and not have another aneurysm."
"Alrighty, if you say so."
"There you go. Well hey, at least you got some good stuff to work on tomorrow."
"I do. I can easily start a solid draft now, it'll be a nice productive day tomorrow."
"Sweet, I'm looking forward to reading whatever you get."
"I'm looking forward to sharing whatever I got."
"You better be. Goodnight Dean."
"Goodnight Nikki."
"Oh whoa whoa whoa, Dean."
"Yeah? Yeah? I'm still here, what's up?"
"Can I ask you one more question?"
"Ofcourse, what is it?"
"Why… did you not answer your phone the last few days?"
"Oh, yeah…about that."
"I mean, it's no big deal. I was just wondering and-"
"No, no. It's cool. Honestly, I was being a little bitch. The last few days have been very eventful and stressful and just fucking weird. As much as I liked talking to you, I thought talking to you more would make things tougher for me."
"Oh, got'cha. No problem, I get it."
"I was being a selfish baby, I'm sorry."
"You're good dude, you're good. I'm glad it wasn't anything I did or said."
"No, nothing at all."
"I admit, I was a little paranoid. The other guy joined the chat and you left so suddenly, I thought that had something to do with it."
"Nah."
"Cool cool. Well one of these day you gotta watch one of my streams you know."
"Uh…."
"Hmm? What's the 'uh' for?"
"I appreciate the offer, but I don't think that's necessary."
"Not…necessary?"
"Yeah, uh…."
"Do you not want to?"
"Well uh…"
"Hmm?"
"I don't think…I'd rather not..uh…"
"How about you stop blushing and be honest with me."
"I'm not! Well, it's like… I mean…don't you think it'd be awkward?"
"Nope."
"Right, and then- wait, nope?"
"Yeah, nope. Dean, it's my job. It's what I do."
"I get that, but for like…me? Wouldn't it be awkward since it's me?"
"Uhh….no?"
"No?"
"It's not like you're my brother dude."
"Okay, okay, fair enough. But still. Would you be comfortable with a friend seeing you like that?"
"….friend?"
"Y-yeah…right?"
"Yeah, yeah. Absolutely."
"Cool. So see what I mean?"
"So let me get this straight. You don't wanna watch my streams because we're friends?"
"That pretty much sums it up, yeah."
"Got'cha."
"I hope that isn't shitty of me. I'm just not really… you know."
"I get it Dean, I get it. Just….do me a favor okay?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"Don't…think that…"
"Don't think what?"
"Nothing, it's nothing."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. I am Dean, I swear."
"Alrighty, if you say so."
"Ready to call it a night you think?"
"You know what, that might be a good idea."
"Got'cha. It's been a lot of fun talking to you Dean. I'm really excited to see how the story pans out."
"Same here. It's been a pleasure Nikki. Have a good night, I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Good night."
The video call finished, and the room became even darker.
The furniture and the paintings just became silhouettes on a barely brighter canvas without the screen radiating out.
I held the blank phone in my hand, slowly lowering and raising it over and over again.
Sometimes it felt heavy, then within a single moment it felt like nothing.
I kept trying to pinpoint what the difference was.
When the phone felt heavy, and when it felt light.
When I thought about what we said, the weight would still shift.
When I thought about what was said before, the weight was inconsistent.
And when I would think about the future, the phone was at its heaviest and also its most weightless.
I struggled for minutes thinking about it, before my eyes adjusted to the darkness.
I began to see my desk and my bed, and it was reminder enough I should get some sleep.
I plugged the phone into the wall, stripped down, and climbed onto the bed.
The mattress and the pillow began absorbing the weight on my shoulders, the relief quickly closing my eyes.
But with one long breath in, they opened again.
I don't know what I was looking for, but I already knew it wasn't going to be there.
I slowly let out my breath, blowing away the fog clouding my mind.
And there, hidden deeper in the fog was what I thought I wanted.
It was there. It was far, shrouded, and blurry. But I am sure it was there.
What I wanted to say, but couldn't.
"Dean, please don't think of me like that."
