I'm not the one who messed up big time.
The day came to slow close.
I was checking the clock frequently, seemingly only a minute passing by each time.
I sat in my office, watching the cursor blink.
I didn't get anything done.
I didn't write a damn word.
I just held my face in my hands.
When my eyes were open, I saw a frustrating blank page.
When they were closed, I kept seeing the shadow.
The shadow Becky became.
I tried thinking of the comic.
I tried thinking of words to say and words to use.
But all I could see and all I could hear was the shadow.
I never saw it before, but why did it seem familiar?
Was the sounds it was making a growl? Or was it laughing?
Every thought felt like it's own hour, draining me mentally and physically.
I think I might have actually fallen asleep, before my phone rang.
"H-hello?"
"Dean, it's Alex."
"Oh Alex, h-hey. Umm…what's up?"
"It's five o' six my friend. Come on down, we got a super long weekend ahead of us."
"Oh thank god, I'll be right down."
"Cool."
I hung up the phone, and felt fully recharged.
I turned everything off, grabbed my jacket, and locked the door.
I was ready to sprint towards the elevator, but I couldn't help but look at Becky's window first.
I stood still, waiting to see if she would come out.
A few moments go by, and I didn't see or hear anything.
I approached her door, peeking into what I could through her window.
I didn't see any color at all, and didn't see any shadows.
Her lights must have been completely off, which isn't that rare.
I knocked.
"Becky? Beck? You coming? It's five o'clock."
I knocked again.
"Becky?"
Sometimes she has headphones on, so not hearing the door wasn't unusual.
I was gonna let myself in, I didn't want to keep Alex waiting for us.
But when I tried to turn the doorknob, it didn't turn at all.
"Locked? Why is it locked?"
I knocked on the door, harder this time.
"Becky? Becky!"
I pounded on the door.
"We gotta go! Come on!"
I stepped away from the door, oddly frustrated.
Not at her, but the door itself.
My hand started to hurt, and for some reason I blamed the door.
I looked back up at the window, and the lack of any lights.
I looked back to the door and the resistant knob.
"She didn't…leave already. Did she?"
I checked my phone, and was worried when I didn't have a single notification. No texts, missed calls, nothing.
"Where is she?"
As the elevator door opened, Alex was scrounging up his stuff.
"Dean, thank god. I'm ready to get the hell out of here."
"Hey Alex, sorry, but Becky won't come out of her office."
"Huh?"
"Becky. I can't get her to come out."
"Uhh…she left Dean."
"Shit, really?"
"Yeah. A long ass time ago too."
"…really?"
"Yeah. Like, after lunchtime. She came down, said bye, and hasn't come back since."
"Fuck."
"Why what's up?"
"I don't….nothing. Nothing. Just not like her."
"She didn't tell you?"
"Nope. Didn't say anything."
"Ouch, you must be in trouble big man."
"Yeah, you're telling me."
"Eh. I'm sure it's nothing. She said bye to me, that's a decent sign."
"I guess."
"Alright. See you Monday bro."
"See you."
The drive home felt more somber than I thought it would have been.
I didn't put the music on very loud, and really didnt't bother putting on new songs right after one another.
So there was big gaps of silence in between, all the way back.
And in that silence, I couldn't stop thinking about Becky.
Going over and over in my head the different scenarios of what could have been if I did anything differently.
If I didn't get upset.
If I didn't slam the door in her face.
If I went back over and smoothed things out.
If I just fucking let her sit on my lap again.
In one moment I think the scenarios were dumb, because I reacted normally.
But then in the next, I was convinced I mistreated her by how I responded.
Before the civil war could really sink its teeth into my mood, I was parked and on my way up the stairs into my apartment.
Making sure I didn't trip over my feet kept my mind occupied all the way up.
And once I was inside, I skipped throwing my stuff on the couch and just fell face first on my bed.
My head flooding with all the would have's, could have's, and should have's of today.
I flipped over and started staring at the ceiling, feeling more and more annoyed by the second.
I couldn't agree with myself on anything, like the angel and devil on my shoulders were a bitter divorced couple.
And in between them was me, the dissociative child wishing they would just shut the fuck up.
As I shifted around on my bed, no position feeling comfortable, I could feel my pocket begin to pulse.
I took my phone out, to discover Nikki was calling me.
Before I even swiped the phone to answer it, it felt like the day didn't happen.
No bitterness, no grievances, nothing.
As if I just woke up, and was ready to enjoy the full day ahead of me.
Just seeing her name right now was the biggest relief I didn't know I needed.
"Hello?"
"Dean, what's up?"
"Hey Nikki, not much. How about you?"
"Not much, not much."
"Wait, is this a regular call or a-"
"Haha, nah just a normal phone call this time homie."
"Got'cha got'cha."
"So how was your day? How's the story coming along?"
"Well…"
"Oh fuck, that doesn't sound good."
"It's been another hell of a day."
"Damn Dean, what days of yours aren't hell?"
"I don't even know at this point."
"Come on, let's hear it."
"To start it off, my boss told me and the artist he needs a couple panel long sample of the story."
"Sample?"
"Yeah, ready for Monday morning."
"Well how long does it take to make a few panels?"
"Normally, if we crunch-timed it, it wouldn't be that much of a struggle to get it done."
"So what's the problem?"
"The office is closed the rest of the week."
"Oh shit. How come?"
"Apparently the parking lot is getting paved."
"That's it? They are closing the whole thing just for that?"
"I guess. There really isn't anywhere else nearby for all the employees to park."
"Alright, if you say so. So what, now you guys gotta work from home?"
"Yup."
"That sucks."
"Yeah. But we heckled our way into some decent pay for it, so it's not totally lopsided."
"Decent pay sounds nice."
"Yup. So, after that, me and Becky started talking about what to make the sample out of."
"Were you not just gonna give them the first few pages?"
"Nah, they need like a sample of the sex and shit. The censors and publishers still aren't a hundred percent on their end I guess."
"Huh."
"Yeah, so we had to talk about what we could do. And at first, it was going good. We decided on one position to start with."
"Which was?"
"I asked her about that fantasy she was telling me about. So she drew it up, and it was the male being the big spoon."
"Oh okay, nice."
"I figured we could stretch that along for a few panels, but Becky wanted one more position to play it safe."
"Yeah, I'd say so. Did you come up with anything?"
"After a confusing conversation, we ended up with cowgirl."
"A confusing- what was so confusing about it?"
"I don't- it was- uh…"
"Oh dear God, you poor poor innocent child."
"No no, it wasn't that! It was like, figuring what tops and below's were."
"Tops and what?"
"B-below's? Or something?"
"…bottoms?"
"Yeah, that's it! Tops and bottoms."
"Oh my god. Tops and 'below's'. "
"Yeah yeah yeah, tops and bottoms, whatever. Anyway, we figured it out, and cowgirl seemed like another good one."
"And how did you go from spooning to cowgirl?"
"It was an emotional thing."
"What…the..fuck does that mean?"
"Uh, like, she was vulnerable while spooning, cowgirl lets her be more confident and it gives a good variety and contrast."
"Oh, got'cha. I had no idea where you going with that."
"Yeah."
"Alright, I'm impressed. Look at you coming up with sexy ideas all on your own."
"The artist had a hand in it too, I can't take all the credit."
"Sooner than later you won't need me any more."
"Oh hell no, you're in for the ride at this point."
"Alright alright, don't gotta twist my hand."
"Arm."
"Arm?"
"The saying is twist my arm."
"Why would I twist your arm?"
"Not my arm, your arm."
"I'm twisting my arm?"
"No, I'm twisting your arm."
"Why?"
"Because- wait what?"
"Haha, I have no idea what is happening anymore."
"Me neither, what the fuck just happened?"
"I dunno. Anyway, what happened next? Seems like a good day so far."
"Next is where the hell comes in."
"Oh shit."
"So, I thought we were all set. She's gonna work on the art and format, I was gonna go do the dialogue and whatnot. But before I leave, she tells me she needs reference."
"Reference for what?"
"Apparently…cowgirl."
"Oh…whoa….whoa!"
"….yeah."
"Dean?! Did you guys fu-"
"No! No no no no no, nope, no."
"What the- seriously?!"
"Yes, serious."
"Then what the fuck happened?"
"She tried climbing into my lap again."
"And what did- wait, again?"
"Yes?"
"Again? She's done this before?"
"Yeah, didn't I tell you?"
"No!"
"Oh. Sorry."
"Dean, I would so remember a girl straddling you. Come on man, what happened?"
"Well, it was the other day. I thought she might have been mad about a couple things, but when I got into work she was fine."
"And?"
"Well, then she started acting like, well, her. Interrogating me and shit. I'll admit, she was scaring the shit out of me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but she told me to just calm down and you know, be honest with her. I thought we were done, I thought we were good."
"You thought?"
"I thought. Next thing you know, shes crawling onto my lap. I…was petrified."
"Petrified? Dean, why would you be petrified?"
"It was just…sudden. I had no idea she was gonna do it, and while it was happening I just really couldn't comprehend it."
"What was there to comprehend?"
"I don't know. That she was doing something like that, I guess. Of all the quirks and weird things shes done, she's never done something like that before."
"Okay, um…Dean."
"Yeah?"
"Look, I just want to understand this better. I understand she sprung it on you, but I just gotta be honest. I never heard of a virgin being…upset a girl was straddling them."
"Okay?"
"And, you know. It seems like a dream come true in that scenario. You said she wasn't ugly, so it can't be that."
"Oh, I think I know where you are going with this."
"Exactly, so, how come?"
"I mean, yeah I'm a virgin but it doesn't mean I'm a horn dog."
"Yeah but- but….alright. Fair enough. Dumb question."
"It's okay, I know it sounds weird too. It's just…that kind of stuff is never really on my mind much."
"Alright, alright. I can see that now."
"It's kind of like why I'd be uncomfortable watching your streams. You're a friend, she's a friend, it's weird for me."
"What kind of virgin are you?"
"What…kind?"
"You're aren't supposed to exist. You're supposed to be akward, gawky, and never stop trying to stick your dick in something."
"Hey man, I'm not gonna argue the akward and gawky part."
"Nah. You aren't gawky."
"Thanks, but what about-"
"So what happened next?"
"So what happened what?"
"When she tried straddling you again?"
"Oh, yeah. She uh…went for it again and I wouldn't let her."
"How?"
"Honestly, it was a punch and a kick away from being a straight up fist fight."
"But it wasn't though, I hope?"
"No, but it was physical. But she actually got the upper hand and pinned me down."
"She did?"
"Yeah."
"And you didn't find it exciting at all?"
"Not in the slightest."
"Jesus- alright. And?"
"She asked again why not, but then…"
"Hmm? Dean?"
"Then…uh…it happened again. That weird, sudden headache."
"Oh no, really?"
"Yeah, but…it was worse this time."
"Shit."
"It lasted longer, and it fucked with me. I thought I was hallucinating for a second."
"Damn dude, that is seriously not good."
"I know, I know. But once it was over, she was off of me and I could tell she felt bad. But…I was still mad. For some reason."
"Some reason? Dean, you had every right to be mad."
"But I thought it was supposed to be a dream come true?"
"Look, my bad for assuming that. But at the end of the day, she was practically assaulting you. And she triggered one of those wierd headaches. Dude, everyone else would be mad."
"Yeah, but-"
"But what Dean? But what?"
"She… I know she wasn't trying to-"
"She's an adult Dean. She should know better."
"I…but she's-"
"Dean, stop this. Do you really need someone else to tell you it's okay to be pissed off?"
"I…I…"
"Alright, whatever. We'll just move on, okay? What happened after the headache?"
"I stormed off, but I felt bad. I opened the door, and we talked about what we were gonna do and that was it. I didn't hear from her the rest of the day, she even left early without telling anyone."
"I see. And nothing from her since?"
"Nope. She seemed really sorry about it though. I wanted to at least-"
"And she should be sorry. I'm sorry she put you through that Dean."
"It's fine."
"It's not, but I get the feeling I won't get anywhere with you on that."
"I'm sorry, I'm just-"
"Dean, enough with the apologies. My god."
"I'm s- uh…."
"It's just a reflex with you, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I'd say so."
"Alright, whatever. So what are you gonna do over the weekend?"
"She's finalizing the panels, so my part is writing the dialogue."
"Just the dialogue?"
"Well, all the readers end up seeing is the dialogue. But I write the whole thing like it was a novel or screenplay. And we use that to also figure out dialogue or details and stuff like that."
"Ah, neat-o. Got anything to share yet?"
"Nope. Not a single word. I really couldn't concentrate all day, I gotta get on it tomorrow."
"Oh man, I hear you. So just gonna go full hermit mode until Monday?"
"Nah, I'm trying to leave my hermit mode behind. But you know what, maybe I'll get some breakfast again tomorrow."
"Breakfast sounds good actually. I might get some too."
"Where do you normally go?"
"Just this little cafe I used to visit a few years ago. It was close to my work at the time, but not so much anymore. But I miss the food and coffee there, I'm thinking it's worth the trip."
"Nice, there you go. Hey wait, didn't you used to work at a coffee shop?"
"Yeah?"
"So why would you go to a different coffee shop?"
"Because my coffee shop sucked."
"Oh."
"Yeah, wasn't expecting that were ya?"
"Yes and no."
"Ha, ah well. I'll let you go tiger. You gotta a lot of work to do."
"Sounds good. It's been fun Nikki, thanks."
"Thanks? What are you thanking me for?"
"This has been the highlight of my day so far. When I saw you calling I got excited, and I honestly feel a shit ton better. Really."
"Aww. Damn Dean, I think that's the first time someone ever said that about me."
"First time? How?"
"Yeah, I- how? What do you mean 'how'?"
"As in how has no one ever been happy to see you call before?"
"Because….uh…"
"Because?"
"I'm not… fuck, I don't know."
"Oh geez, was I not supposed to say that?"
"No no, it's fine. You didn't do anything wrong, it's just… kind of…depressing to think about honestly."
"You really think no one has-"
"Whether they did or not, you're the first person to ever say so."
"Oh, got'cha. You're…uh…you're welcome Nikki."
"Thanks Dean."
"So uh…"
"Yeah…uh…"
"Guess uh….guess I'll hop off now."
"Yeah. Here, let me think of another really white person way of saying goodbye."
"Smell ya later?"
"Ah fuck, that's a good one."
"Hit the old dusty trail?"
"Sure."
"See you when I see you?"
"Oh I like that one too."
"Next time at my place?"
"Eh, doesn't really work well over the phone but I'll take it."
"Good enough for me."
"Alright, Goodnight Dean."
"Goodnight Nikki."
I hung up the phone, and placed it gently on the table.
I stared at it, smiling.
Shaking my head, hiding my grin.
I felt playfully embarrassed a simple conversation had me feeling so childish and happy.
As mundane as a word as it is, hearing someone else say 'goodnight' to me felt so foreign yet familiar.
It felt like the last time 'goodnight' meant something, my parents were tucking me into bed.
Ever since then, it was just a neutral gesture, no intentions or well wishes behind it.
It was just another substitute for a meaningless farewell, where not saying it meant more than saying it.
But just now, 'goodnight' felt so solid and dense I could carry it with me.
And I did, all the way to my desk.
Sitting down in the chair, turning on the computer, I could feel it as if it was sitting in my lap.
This warm sensation, a ball of emotion absorbing into me.
As the weight got lighter and lighter, I became warmer and warmer.
My grin grew wider and wider.
The computer screen lit up, igniting the shadows of the room with white and blue colors.
I looked at the screen. Normally a leech of my energy, now became a vessel for it yet again.
A few familiar clicks and buttons chattered as my muscle memory loaded up the programs.
I leaned back in my chair, the warmth spreading me wide.
As the computer continued to load, my body swayed side to side with the chair.
Childish excitement making it hard to remain still.
Sway after sway, until something changed on the screen, stopping me in my tracks.
A face. A person appeared.
A digital mirror, showing me to myself.
However, the smile I wasn't familiar with.
As if the world itself lost its color, I began to feel grey.
Sighing, and looking down.
I saw the face, a dreary reminder of what I had to do.
I began to slowly undo the buttons of my top, with each one becoming harder and harder to grip.
Even though the buttons were undone, every button felt like a new chain being locked.
The chair and desk becoming a prison yet again.
But yet the looming dread felt like a cold skin, an outfit fitted to no one but me.
Crawling inside this skin, feeling more and more familiar no matter how uncomfortable.
Inside the skin, locked in place, trapped in the mirror, suddenly the world got its color back.
Reds and blues in the picture frames, oranges and greens out the windows.
Dull and matte, but colors nonetheless.
Fully locked in, I was reminded this was the real world.
This is who I am and what it's meant to be.
The warm ball felt like a tease now. A foolish illusion.
If I don't try to break free from these chains again, I'll never have to crawl into this skin again.
Just get used to it. As I always have.
The buttons were all undone. My reflection was exposed.
The bells chimed, the demands rolled in.
I needed to remind myself one more time before I began.
"Come on. Don't think of him like that Nikki."
I slowly woke up, wondering how much longer until the first alarm went off.
"Mmmm…holy shit it's only eight thirty?"
I rolled over to look out the window, the sun shining in and creeping its way to the foot of my bed.
I yawned as loud as I could.
Which meant I was more frustrated than I was tired.
"Come on man, the point of this is to sleep until like noon, why does my biological clock do this to me?"
I forcefully closed my eyes and tossed and turned on the bed.
"And why is it that it's so hard to get out of bed before work but when there isn't work is when I want to get out of the fucking bed?"
I punched the pillow.
"Be fucking comfortable God damn you."
I punched it again.
"Come on, at least until the next alarm. At least the next alarm. Sleep until the next alarm."
I stayed still, and folded my hands over waist like I was put to fucking rest at my funeral.
I let a few moments go by, homing in on the chirps of the birds and the occasional honk.
Then it hit me as hard as I hit the pillow.
"Gah, I didn't set any alarms you fucking idiot."
I began the walk to the cafe.
I kept constantly checking my phone, hoping either Becky or Nikki would text me.
Because without either of those two to talk to, my walks would be very boring.
I started a text to Becky, drafting it as I went.
'Hey Becky. I'm gonna get to work on the dialogue today, when I'm done I'll-'
Nah, I don't want her thinking I haven't gotten anything done yet.
I mean I haven't, but I don't think she needs to know that just yet.
'Hey Becky. Just wanted to check in on your progress with the-'
Nah, sounds too passive aggressive and boss-y.
'Hey Becky, how's it going with the-'
Nope, could be more casual with it.
'Sup Beck, how you doing with the-'
First you slam a door in her face and then you address her like Marky Mark Wahlberg, that's a good idea.
'Morning Becky. Can I see what you got done so far on the-'
Oh shit the cafe. How fast was I walking?
I sat down with my breakfest.
Letting the coffee cool down while the butter soaked into the muffin.
I opened up my phone, an unfinished text to Becky just sitting there.
Draft after draft, each one getting me more and more pissed off.
I remember when it felt so easy to talk to her, now it felt like another chore and she was a stranger again.
I couldn't help but think about what she said the first time she sat on me.
To stop overthinking things.
To be honest with her.
And that we were partners.
Staring back down at my phone, I realized I was violating all three of those.
I put the phone down and went for my first swig of coffee.
I could feel the first sip warm my body all the way down my throat and into my gut. Loosening me up as it went.
When I put the coffee down, I looked across from me at an empty chair.
A few days ago Becky was in that chair.
So it helped me think about what I would say if she was sitting here right in front of me.
Even after everything that happened.
'Hey Becky. I've been slacking a bit, can you show me what you have so far?'
"Yeah, that's it."
I went to send it, but when I pressed the button, instead of sending the text it started vibrating.
I had to juggle the phone before I dropped it right on top of my muffin.
Once I had it gripped firmly, I could see that Nikki was actually calling me.
I answered it as fast as I could.
"Hello?"
"Good morning Dean."
"Hey Nikki, good morning."
"How are you? How'd you sleep?"
"Good, good. I slept good. How about you?"
"Good."
"Cool. So, what's up?"
"Nothing much, just walking now to get my breakfast."
"Oh cool, I'm actually sitting down with mine right now."
"Nice, what did you get?"
"Muffin and Coffee. Probably get some more before I leave."
"Very nice, very nice. Hey, I wanted to call you because I thought of something for the story."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, if I didn't call you now I would forget what it was."
"Sweet, hit me."
"I was thinking about how the two of them meet actually."
"Yeah?"
"I couldn't help but think that their first meeting should be maybe a bit more dramatic or theatric. Rather than just she walks in and they just say hi."
"Alright, fair enough. What did you have in mind?"
"Well I was watching some show or movie, and these two guys were on the phone and then- ah shit."
"What's up?"
"Missed the light, now I gotta wait before crossing the street."
"Oh got'cha."
"So anyway, they were like bounty hunters or something."
"Bounty hunters?"
"Yeah, I think. I wasn't really paying attention."
"Okay."
"And then they are on the phone trying to kill each other, while they are talking on the phone at the same time."
"They-what?"
"They are talking on the phone, saying they are gonna kill them or whatever, but they are looking for each other at the same time."
"Oh oh oh, okay."
"So like, what if the male and female like, kind of knew each other at first? And then when their paths collide for the first time, it can be more exciting."
"I think i'm catching what you're throwing. Gotta give me an example though."
"Uhh…fuck I thought that was your job."
"Oh, uh…hmm?"
"Dean?"
"Hold on Nikki, sorry. Uhh, yeah I'll take another coffee, sure. Nikki, you there?"
"Yeah, what's up? You getting another coffee?"
"Yup, sorry about that. The barista came over."
"It's cool. I'm almost at mine now. Just turning the corner."
"So what about the bounty hunters?"
"Oh yeah. So then as they are looking for each other, they can start to hear their voices from like, down the hall and not just over the phone."
"Yeah, and?"
"And so they home in on their voices, talking a bunch of shit, and then they end up behind one another."
"Oh cool."
"So yeah, what do you think?"
"I think it's cool. I like the idea."
"Sweet. Hold on, I'm walking in now."
"Okay, I'm gonna grab my next coffee."
"So yeah, does that work?"
"I think so. It'd be cool if they found each other like…."
"….."
"…"
"…"
"…"
"….D-Dean?"
"….N-Nikki?"
"Is….that you?"
