38
To you... the woman who likes flowers
"Maybe you're just imagining things. She may just want to give you encouragement. A beautiful woman like that would never be interested in someone as plain as you, Chris."
When Natty hears my story via Skype, she hurriedly interrupts to discourage me. I want so badly to stroke my computer monitor with my foot, but it happens that my parents have raised me to be noble. So I can only bare my teeth at her.
"Is that voice from your mouth or your buttocks?"
"HA. I was just kidding. What are you so afraid of If she flirts with you, just flirt back. What's so complicated about that?" Because my friend is easygoing, I don't want to put too much thought into her advice. I turned to ask Meen instead. She's still listening and analyzing the situation.
"What do you think?"
"Same as Natty... I mean, maybe she just wanted to befriend you. She probably isn't interested in you in that way. This is reality. Not everyone likes women."
"1 still like men." I insist on my stance. "Aontakam is just an exception. Aside from her, I don't like any other woman."
"And you also don't like any other man, right? Maybe you're cursed." Ern comes in at this point. She then let out a sigh. "You should find someone to help get you back on your feet."
"I disagree." Meen shakes her head. "We shouldn't use someone who knows nothing as a rebound or to replace someone. That's a selfish act."
"But..."
"Don't fight. I just wanted to know if she was flirting with me. Maybe I was wrong. I just wanted to find a topic to talk about with you gals. I'm bored."
My friends go quiet when they hear that, though their mouths are still wide open. They understand how I feel. Everyone has been in relationships, both good and bad, so they know that I need encouragement, though I try to be strong.
"Have you been crying?"
Meen asks me this. I nodded to admit it honestly.
"Yes."
"Alone?"
"Ah-huh."
"You can cry, but not for long. She may be very happy as you're crying."
"Talking about this gets me so angry. How can she see her dream career in the entertainment industry as more important than my friend? Geez..." Natty cracks her fingers loudly. I quickly argue on Aontakam's behalf. It was an automatic response.
"You have to grab the opportunity when it comes your way."
"After all that she's done to you, you're still arguing on her behalf? Is my friend a buffalo22?" Natty scratches her head until the skin of her scalp almost comes out. She's very annoyed with me. Ern only shakes her head like someone who's weary.
"Love makes an already stupid person even stupider. Even if we don't blame her, others do. Do you know what people say about the clip?"
"I don't want to know." I avoid looking at the monitor as if I'm avoiding eye contact with my friends because I can't listen to negative comments about Aontakam. Yet Ern won't stop.
"It's common for those who hide behind the keyboard and bully people. They are having a good time gossiping and bullying her. But what's interesting is not those bullies, but someone who knows a lot about you."
"Huh?" I look up at Ern. "What do you mean?"
22 A buffalo is a term used in Thai to describe someone who is extremely stupid.
"Someone revealed the relationship between Aontakam and you in detail, describing who Aontakarn is and where she's from. It also describes who you are. It's as if it's from someone close to the two of you... It also talks about how you two do it, as if the person were under your bed. Who do you think can elaborate on that many details? Who knows both you and Aontakarn?"
"That f***ing Toy."
"Yes."
I almost forgot about this character. Aontakarn must be having a tough time. I thought things had died down because Aontakarn is not a famous actress yet. But instead of it dying down, Toy reignited it in order to get more people to know the sweet-faced woman through fake news.
I have to do something...
I haven't written a letter to Aontakam under the alias 'Apple' for a long time. I thank myself for overthinking and never revealing that I'm Apple. At least I can still use that alias to give her encouragement now that we've broken up without her knowing that it's me. I can give her the will to go on without me.
She has no one in this world... Apple is the only person who can make her happy.
After I go in to read the comments my friends direct me to read, I decide to write a letter to Aontakarn. This letter from Apple is probably the longest one I've ever written. I don't want to write to her on Twitter because I want her to hold a nice fragrance letter as she reads my encouraging words. It will make it feel more real and tangible. She will notice handwriting that she can tell was written with intent.
I will give her the letter tomorrow...
It's funny that I drive Puth's car to park in front of Aontakam's house to see if the petite woman has already closed the light and gone to bed this late at night. Tonight is the same as every night. A warm light shines through the window. It will be time for her to go to sleep soon... The sweet-faced woman is safe and sound, with nothing to worry about today.
"Sweet dreams, MY beautiful lady."
I say this to Aontakarn softly as I sit alone in the car. I slowly drive away with soft music playing in the background. As I drive out of Aontakam's place, there's a call from Puth, so I have to receive the call through the speaker phone.
"What is it, Puth?"
[What time is it? Why aren't you home yet? Where are you?]
"So nosy."
[I'm your brother (*IIKKI9-77t]
Puth complains nonstop. It makes me shake my head wearily. Why did I think I heard someone call my name a moment ago?
Nah... I'm in the car. Who could be calling me?
There are claps to encourage the new announcer, who did a good job in place of Aontakarn. We are shooting outdoors today. Tho, Jeth, and the entire team tried to cheer up the new hire. That includes me, who went along with them. Though she's not as good as the previous announcer, it's better than not having one at all.
"How was I, Chris? Anything I should improve on?"
I smile at the eager new hire and shake my head.
"No. You did well, Cate."
"Great. I thought I would create problems for you."
"You worry too much. If you do something wrong, I will let you know. But you really did well today. You were very professional."
I compliment her a little and prepare to leave. But Cate won't let me go easily. She walks by my side and strikes up a conversation with me.
"I heard that you're going to buy a new car?"
"Ah, yes." It must be Puth who told her that. "Do you have a suggestion?"
"I don't know much about cars. But if it's about an ex, I can give you some advice."
"Huh?"
Cate seems sad as we move on to this topic. Should I continue to talk about this? Would it be rude if I didn't? After all, she was the one who initiated the topic.
"Are you okay?" I decided to keep it vague. "If there's anything I can do to help, you can let me know."
"I heard that you also just broke up with your lover."
Puth has such a big mouth.
"Yes. I did."
"How did you get through it?"
"I just had to... What else could I do?" I reply frankly because there's not a single day that I am over it. I just pretended to be strong.
"I also had a girlfriend."
"You've probably heard a lot about what happened to me... Since we're talking about it, you can ask me whatever you want." I laugh and relax. When Cate sees that I caught on to her, she sticks her tongue out cutely.
"Cate feels good to have a friend with similar tastes. There may be a lot of people like us... I mean women who like women, but it's not so much that you bump into one wherever you go. So when I found out that you had a girlfriend, I wanted to befriend you."
"I can understand that."
Cate is a talkative girl. She's the one who has control over our conversation most of the time, which is good because I don't know what to ask or talk about. I prefer to be the listener. After a while, I offered to drop her off because I saw that she was about to call a taxi. It allows us to talk some more.
Cate is 23 years old. She's a lot younger than me. She graduated with a Communication Arts degree. She was a net idol on Instagram and a beauty blogger. Tho saw her and invited her to be the announcer in place of Aontakam because she speaks very clearly, expresses herself well, and is easygoing. She just broke up with her 'tomboy' lover because she caught her cheating on her. It was not the first time. So she decided to break it off.
"What about you, Chris? Why did you break up with Miss Aontakam... Is it because of that clip?"
I was startled when she mentioned the clip. I can guess that she's seen it. Damned. Everyone has heard me moan.
"That's a part of it. We broke up for a good reason."
"You broke up, though you're still in love with each other?"
"Well... something like that." I smiled slightly and sadly. "Actually, I'm not sure if it was better for us to break up, though we were still in love. It may be easier if we hated each other like you and your lover. For me, it was like we didn't break up, but we had reasons to go our separate ways."
"Does that really exist—people breaking up though they are still in love? What could be the obstacle that breaks lovers up?"
"There are... many."
"No. I think it means that they don't love each other enough, so they put some reasons over their love. One case I heard is a senior of my ex... I'll keep it anonymous. She's a car saleswoman. She sold European cars. She's in love with another woman, like us. Her lover was her brother's ex, and she was the reason that her brother committed suicide. But she wouldn't give up. She saved up, and they ran away to create a life together in a remote province."
I listened to the story with interest. How come no one called in to talk about this on the radio program that I like to listen to?
"And how are they now?"
"I hear that they are happy. The lover is a gorgeous dentist. This world is full of beautiful flowers. Our country is very beautiful."
Cate babbles on as she puts her hand on her chest in a dreamy state of mind. As soon as I step on the break, her phone drops to the floor.
"I'm sorry I stepped on the break all of a sudden. The light just turned red."
I bend down to pick up the phone for her because I feel guilty. My hand touches hers by accident. It's as if time has stopped. No one moved. I don't even dare breathe because I don't want to make any sound.
I'm the one to pull my hand away first.
"I'm sorry. Where do you want me to drop you off again?"
I intended to drop her off at home, but I hurriedly asked to drop her off along the way because I didn't want to start anything. Her eyes and body language were giving me hints that made me tell myself immediately...
No.
It can't be anyone else for me.
"You can drop me off at the next underground station... Thank you for the ride, Chris."
"My pleasure."
I turn on the emergency light and drop Cate off at the underground station. Then I drive on by myself. This is the rudest I've been to another human being. And it was all because I was afraid.
I was afraid that I would cheat on Aontakam...
But how would that be wrong? We have already broken up. I'm the one who broke things off with her, but I can't go on to have someone new or even give someone a chance? Just the thought of giving someone a chance makes me think of the warm light from the window of her house. The sweet-faced woman is all alone, fighting with everyone around her who knows what she did in that clip.
Instead of giving my attention to the new hire, I should focus on what I intended to do, which is the letter I prepared today.
Aontakarn's only encouragement is Apple.
By the way, does that fake Apple still send her flowers? If I suddenly sent her a letter without any flowers, would that be weird? Never mind. I can make the fake Apple look better. Aontakarn's feelings are more important at this point. I want the sweet-faced woman to be able to stand with her head up high as she gets through this.
Flower shop... flower shop.
I am so not myself. Someone like me is buying flowers... It's the most stupid thing I've ever done in my life.
I wearily look at the white lily with a long stem wrapped in expensive paper, which costs over 300 Baht. I grudgingly paid for it to make someone smile. Aontakam will probably announce the news today, as usual. It's almost time for her to get off work. I have to hurry up and leave everything at the reception, like I usually do.
"Please give this to Miss Aontakarn. It's from her fan."
Everything happened quickly. I leave everything at the reception and run out of there because I'm afraid that someone will recognize me. It's not that I'm famous or anything. But I'm always cautious when it involves Aontakarn. I'm afraid that people would be able to link me to the clip, and that would create problems for the sweet-faced woman.
Aontakam only has Apple right now.
And I can only communicate with Aontakarn through Apple.
Dear you... who is loved
I apologize for not contacting you for so long. There were many chaotic events in my life that took up most of my dine. I believe it was the same for you.
Are things going well for you lately? Have you been eating enough and sleeping tight, like you should?
Someone once told me that sorrow and happiness are like the wind. It will pass by, make us feel things, and go away. You may not be happy right now, but that doesn't mean that you won't be laughing tomorrow.
I want Aontakarn, you... who is loved, to always remember that you are not alone in this world. Even if you have no one left, you still have me.
I.. will always be your Apple. Always.
I don't know if my support can still make you happy. I want you to know that you're my support in everything that I do.
These hands will embrace you and support you in every possible way.
These eyes will look only at you. Even if everyone looks past you, I will still be here to watch over you and not desert you.
And as always, the only thing you need to do in return for my love for you is to smile...
Your smile makes me happy.
I very much hope that I will see you happy again one day. Not only is my handwriting not messy today, but I also sent a white lily that you like to you with this letter.
To you... who likes flowers To you... who have a lively smile To you... who is the apple of my eye
Dear you... who is loved
Apple
I wish that you... will move forward with grace. I will look at you from afar like this, always.
MY Aontakam...
