39
An opportunity
"Moron."
Natty hurls peanuts in my face once she discovers my recent whereabouts and actions. As you know, I rely on my friends when I'm in sorrow. They are mirrors that provide me with reflections of myself.
"What do you want to say?"
"You're stupid multiplied by 3. After all that she did to you, you wrote her a letter to encourage her. Geez... do you eat glass for face23?"
"Do you have to be this emotional?" I throw peanuts back at my friend and drink my beer. Like we all know, since I dated Aontakarn, I've been able to handle alcohol a lot better. Karakate will not show herself again today or the days after.
23 This is a reference to 'buffalo.'
"I'm frustrated. This is something only a moron would do. Who, in their right minds, would do this? She dishonored you. She said you pulled her back and were in the way of her success."
"I really did that."
"Who was the one who used her tongue in the clip? You only separate your legs... Ouch, idiot, that's a whole fist of peanuts!" Natty sweeps the peanuts on the floor and puts them in her mouth. "It would be a waste to just throw them away."
"Do you have to mention that clip? You know how bad it makes me feel."
"If the clip makes you feel bad, why don't you feel bad about Aontakarn? It would be much easier if you hated her."
Though Natty's words lean towards sarcasm, they are logical. Yeah, why aren't I mad or hate her, no matter what happens? When I fight with her, it's more of a sulking. I never thought of hurting her because I couldn't stand to see her hurt.
If Aontakarn hurts... I hurt more.
"How could someone as easygoing as you understand someone who found true love like Chris?" Meen, who's been listening all this time, interrupts. "It's not easy to go out of love once you love someone, especially when they are each other's first."
"It's not about that..." I try to argue, but no one seems to pay any attention to me.
But since you and Aontakarn already ended things, you should give yourself an opportunity to start over. How about that new hire? What's her name?" Ern mentions the new hire.
"Cate."
"Yeah. Cate. Ifs clear that she's flirting with you, but you chase her out of your car to go buy flowers for Aontakarn. My friend is such a moron."
"It's not easy to start over. Moreover, I didn't like women from the start. Breaking up with Aontakarn doesn't mean that I will just pick any woman... Maybe I will pick a man."
"Get a husband. Try it." Natty snaps her fingers. That makes Meen smack her in the head.
"You always steer the topic in that direction. Don't recommend her crazy ideas when she's sensitive like this. Things can easily go wrong. If she doesn't like anyone yet, there's no need to push her."
"Among all my friends, you're the most logical, Meen." I look at my friend, thankfully. Meen shrugs and puts her beer mug against mine.
"Let's drink to stupid love. You're not the only one in sorrow on earth, my friend... Oh, today there's that radio program that we like."
Meen realizes this, so she rushes over to turn on the radio on the computer. The sweet voice of the DJ can be heard. I shake my head at her.
"This is not good. Listening to the stories of those who are in worse situations than us is like stepping on other people to make yourself feel better." I say what I feel. This is like what adults tell you to do, which is to look at those in more sorrow when you're feeling sorrow. If you think that your life sucks, think about those who are disabled or something like that.
I don't like that kind of thinking.
"They call because they want someone to talk to. You don't have to be a good person all the time. Step on others to ease your mind a bit. It's not like we're stepping on them on air. We just listen to it to make ourselves feel better. So,let's listen."
Ern nods in agreement. I don't know how to argue with that, so I let it go because I like this program as well.
'My lover asked me... if he could have someone else. He wants to be with me and another woman. I don't know what to do. I can't take it, but I also can't break up with him.'
"I just found someone more stupid than Chris."
Ern easily gets emotional. She's all angry as she listens to the story. The solution is clear, but the person with the problem is being stupid.
"People think differently. Perhaps they've been through a lot together. Not all are as strong as you."
"Idiot. Because she's not strong, she will let him do it with another woman and herself? One clay, he will ask... Can all three of us do it together with the ballroom dance music on? Trust me, he will."
"Congratulation, Chris. You're not the only moron in this world. And Em is more involved with someone else's story than yours." Natty laughs merrily when she sees Em's reaction to the story. Ern is shaking her head.
"No... Chris is still a moron. It's not like if someone is more stupid than her, then she's no longer stupid. Tell this woman to finish her story quickly. I'm so annoyed with her. She called in so that the DJ would support her and let the man have two lovers. I can tell. How can the DJ tolerate this and continue to talk to her?"
"It's the DJ's job to do so... She's done. You have to be more patient, my friend. Don't get so frustrated over other people's matters, kid." Natty pats her friend on the head. Maybe Em is a bit drunk, so she's overreacting.
And it comes to the second caller of the day... The call is from someone named...
"It's Apple."
I sit up straight, and yes... my friends, who know my story, do the same. Yet before the caller tells her story, Meen waves her hand to quell our rising emotions.
"Stop, eveyone. Her name being Apple doesn't mean that this is about Chris. And Chris is Apple. Remember that."
"It's closely related to us, so I got excited." Natty replies for herself, as well as Em and I. After that, we sit quietly to listen to the caller's story. Everyone stopped getting too emotionally involved after what Meen said, but I still am.
I'm very familiar with that voice. But I don't want to think in favor of myself that it's Aontakarn.
The sweet-faced woman probably wouldn't do something like this... But then, why is my heart pounding so hard?
"So, Apple. What do you want to tell us today?"
"My love... that I ruined."
"What did you do wrong? Can you give us more detail? Let's see if and how we can help Apple out."
Thump Thump...
"The thing is... I have no one left in my life. I broke the nicest person's heart for a vague dream that will never come true. My ambition pushed that person away. But that doesn't hurt as much as..."
"…"
"That person still doesn't hate me at all."
I know, without the need for the person to reveal who she is, that the caller is Aontakarn. When I wrote to her as Apple, I recommended that she listen to this radio show, so it's not surprising that she calls in.
And the alias Apple... it's definitely her.
I pick up my beer and drink it out of excitement, shock, and elation. I'm happy to hear Aontakarn's voice in a show that I never thought she would participate in.
Is she also a fan of the show...
The person on the line tells a short version of her story. She kept some information vague so people wouldn't suspect who she was. For example, she said that she's an entertainment news announcer on a YouTube channel.
'My mother passed away not so long ago... My mother was everything to me, so learning that she had a heart attack felt like the world had collapsed in front of my eyes. She never told me that she had a heart condition because she didn't want me to be stressed or try to gather up money to treat her condition. I can't blame her for that... If I had had more courage and opened the letter she left me, I would have known this earlier.
In the letter that she left me, my mother gave me all the details about her sickness and everything that she left me. She also listed all the relatives that I have left and told me who I could go to if I needed someone. But that's that... All that is not important because, for as long as I can remember, I only had my mother. She raised me as a single mom. We are all that we have. Just the two of us.
My mother was a guidance counselor, but not at the school that I went to. She didn't want me to get any privileges as her daughter. Because of that, I didn't know one piece of information... an important one.
I was in a serious accident when I was young. It was a hit-and-run. That's not the key point because we caught the driver. The important point was that I was in a life-or-death situation because they didn't have my blood type...
I have a very rare blood type.
It seemed as if my survival chance was very slim.
My mother told me that her heart was broken. There was very little hope left. She said that without me, there was no point in her living on as well. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, so it didn't matter whether she lived or died. She was just waiting for me to go first.
Yet, suddenly, someone walked to her and said that she had the same blood type as me and that she would donate her blood to me with the cool reason of, 'In case I get in trouble one day, your daughter will save me back.'
Yes... I survived because of her.
And I met her when we grew up. And we fell in love.'
As it gets to this point, all my friends look at me, knowing who the caller is. I cry like a baby, but I don't overreact. I just continue to listen to the show.
'Can you call it destiny? The person who saved your life when you were young is your lover, and we were madly in love? Yet, because of my ambition, I pushed her away. My mother has always told me, 'Why be successful if there is no one to celebrate your success with?' And I just truly understood what she meant when I lost her.
But it wasn't as clear as... when I lost my lover.
My dream is to be in the entertainment industry and be an actress. I want to be in front of the camera so that people praise and acknowledge me. I want people to admire me... but it doesn't mean anything when I realize that they are strangers. It's not as fulfilling as if the person who is happy for me and proud of me is someone who loves me, and I love the person back.
Imagine kindergarten kids dancing on stage. Everyone claps, but your parents are not there... That's the feeling.
And today, I no longer have my lover...
I realize this as I continue on with my work and get zero feedback from my lover. There are no praises or words of encouragement that I waited for and used to get.
My mother is no longer here.
And I also no longer have my lover.
Being all alone in this world is terrible...'
"Does that person still love you, Apple?"
The question from the DJ makes me nod as if she were asking me. Aontakarn goes quiet for a bit before she answers in my place.
'I think so because today... that person sent me a letter with a white lily. Yes... that person still loves me, and I still love her a lot as well.
The letter from that person made me realize that, no matter how much someone loves or hates me, it doesn't matter as much as that one person. Just that person.
The praise that comes from that person.
The way that person looks at me.
The innocent way that person expressed her love to me in every situation.
Just that person. I don't want anything or anyone else.
"Is this your love confession?"
"It's my apology, my thank you, and... my love confession." Aontakarn's voice is shaking as she says that. It's as if she's trying not to sob. "I never confessed my love when we were together because I've always believed that actions are more important than words. But... my actions hurt her. I pushed her away from me. I'm a terrible person."
"If that person was here right now, what do you want to say to the person?"
"If that person was here..." Aontakarn goes quiet. "I don't know if I'd dare ask what I want if the person was here. I've always been the receiver. She gave me encouragement. She gave me love."
"…"
"But if it's not too selfish... I want to ask for something."
"What is it?"
"An opportunity... just one more chance for us to fall in love again."
I sob and wipe my tears with the back of my hand. It's as if I'm in a crying battle with Aontakarn, who's crying loudly on the radio show.
"Whether it's Chris or Apple. 1 love you. Please... come back."
Everyone drops their jaws after what they hear. Ern, who's the most emotionally invested, cries with me and hugs me as she nods.
"I forgive you. Sob."
"Aontakarn is not asking you." Meen interrupts and grabs my shoulder. She shakes me so that I regain my composure before she asks me for an answer. "Now what, Chris? She asked you like this: Will you give it to her?"
"Give what?"
"Give her an opportunity... Will you fall back in love with her?"
"How can I give her that opportunity?"
"…"
"When I've never stopped loving her!" I look at my beer can in confusion. I try to stand up, but the world is spinning too fast. My friends see my condition and hurriedly support me as they shake their heads.
"I don't think you can do anything in this condition."
"No. I have to go to her now. She's probably crying. I can't stand to see her sad."
"We're not telling you not to go." Meen grabs the car key on the coffee table and twirls it in circles. "But your dear friends will take you to her!"
Everyone smiles at each other. I almost cry because I'm so overwhelmed.
"Thank you all. I... I..."
Whether it was because I was overly elated or because I had consumed five cans of beer, everything went completely dark.
No... I haven't been like this for a long time. Why does it have to happen now? I have to be fully conscious. I can't let my second or third personality come out.
"Chris... Hey, Chris!" Thud.
That's all I can remember before everything goes dark, as if all the lights have been turned off
