40

Dear you... who is loved

"Chris."

"…"

"Chris."

"Huh?"

"Is this Chris? Answer Kant first."

I slowly open my eyes as I hear a familiar, soft voice in my ear. Aontakam is lying on top of me. She pokes my nose, my cheek, my forehead, and all over my face as if she's teasing me. I'm a bit stunned.

Am I dreaming... Wait.

My mind wanders to this point, and I find myself closing and opening my eyes multiple times. I do this repeatedly until Aontakam laughs out loud, merrily.

"You're not dreaming. It's Karn."

"Where am I? Is this my room or your place?"

"My place, of course. Don't you remember this room'?"

When I'm asked that, I slowly look around. I'm now certain that this is Aontakarn's room and that I'm not dreaming. The weight of her body on me and the soft, unique scent from her body confirm that. The soft light that shines in through the window allows me to see Aontakarn clearly.

It also allows me to see myself, and I'm naked!

"It's really Karn." I startle and try to sit up, but because Aontakarn is on me, I can't move. "It's the real you without any clothes on."

The petite woman giggles and nods to confirm what I'm seeing.

"Yes. It's Karn without anything on me... So, it's Chris."

"If not me, then who could it be? Wowwww."

I wasn't prepared when Aontakarn snuggles her face into my neck and wraps her arms around me tightly, as if she's trying to choke me. Yet, no matter how uncomfortable I am, I like being hugged tightly like this.

The more uncomfortable I feel, the more I know this is real.

MY Aontakarn.

"Karn loves Chris."

"I must be dreaming. Are you confessing your love to me?"

"This is real."

"I'm not even sure if I really heard you on a radio show as Apple."

"That was also real."

"And I'm lying in your house. naked?"

"As real as it can get." Aontakam lifts her head to look at my face. She snuggles her face into my cheek and kisses it loudly. "Do you believe that it's real now?"

"I'm starting to believe it."

The sweet-faced woman moves to my other cheek.

"How about now?"

"I'm 50% certain."

Aontakam moves to kiss me loudly on my lips.

"Is this real enough?"

"If it's a bit more... Ah..."

The petite woman then presses her lips onto mine and inserts her tongue, as if she wants to prove her identity without using her ID card. I got carried away and kissed her back. But Aontakam, who had been in control of the situation from the start, moves back and pants.

"If you want more proof, I have to move down."

I lock her with my legs to stop her from doing that as I shake my head and laugh.

"Ifs okay. I believe you."

"Can't you pretend to not believe me?"

"Naughty."

We giggle and continue to snuggle for a bit longer. We are like snakes spending time with their lovers. Yet all we do is sniff a bit and taste a little before we part. There are things we want to talk about that take precedence.

I don't remember anything. I wake up, and we've made up... It's a bit of a time jump.

Something must have happened.

"What happened? Tell me... Last I remember, I was still in Meen's room. And now I'm with you; we've made up, and we're snuggling as if nothing happened between us."

"You came to me with your friends last night."

"MY friends? How did they get here?"

"You came as your second personality. No matter how drunk you were, you were still you." Aontakarn pokes my chin a bit. "But you're just you in a version that's..."

"That's?"

"A bit aggressive."

"What did I do?" I startle and sit up straight. The petite woman, who was lying on top of me, has to sit up straight as well. "Did I hit you?"

"Aggressive can be interpreted in other ways." Aontakarn backs away from me a bit and shows me marks on her body. There are marks from activities that did not involve hitting each other, which makes me blush. "These are the evidence."

"I'm not like that."

"From my experience, you're quite aggressive. You just like to keep your cool when you're your full self."

"Lets change the topic." I put my hair behind my ear and wriggled. "Before I was aggressive, how did we reconcile?"

When Aontakam sees me acting all shy, she moves to sit closer to me and looks at me with her light brown eyes. Every time I look into her eyes, I'm charmed. And she likes to tease. When she sees that I get shy, she keeps staring at me until I bare my teeth at her.

"You bared your teeth at me like this last night as well."

I shut my mouth and scrunched my lips.

"I was just exercising my muscles. Please stop staring at me and tell me what happened." I push Aontakam in the face. She leans back and laughs.

"Okay. I will stop teasing you. Last night, you came over and preached to me with harsh words."

"Like?"

"We shouldn't have met."

"Ah..." I put my hand on my chest. I have those thoughts deep inside of me? "I must have been very drunk to say those things. Please don't give any value to it. You do not need to try to make it up to me."

"What you did was appropriate." The sweet-faced woman pulls me into a tight hug. "I've gotten used to receiving all of your love. When things didn't go my way, I was sarcastic and used words to hurt you. Just thinking about me saying that if we didn't meet..."

The petite woman's voice shook. It's as if those words are her deep wound. To be honest, I was in agony when she said it. However, the person who spoke without thinking must have been more hurt than I was.

"You're such a crybaby."

"I can only imagine how painful it was for you to end our relationship. Do you hate me?"

And she cries...

I smile slightly and pat the petite one on the back gently. I want to console her. I also sway her as if I'm swaying a cradle.

"I was never angry with you or hated you. Those thoughts never crossed my mind. Not even for a split second. Since we broke up, I have only missed you and wondered what you were doing. I wanted to know if you were happy and well." I lean back, and I wipe Aontakam's tears with my hands. "I wondered if you ate enough. I was worried when you disappeared. You weren't on Twitter at all. It was lucky that you still announced the sports news, so I can see you from time to time. But that wasn't enough. In the end, I came to your house every day to see what time you got home. I leave when you turn off the lights. Puth was so worried because I went home late every night that he lent me his car."

"I saw that. I ran after your car, but you didn't stop the car."

"When... Ah!"

Aontakarn cries harder and hits me on the back with her fists.

"Why do you have to be so nice to me? You should be angry and lash out at me. I feel worse when you're like this."

"Your guilt has already punished you. My job is to make you feel better. Think of your pain as a lesson, so you don't hurt me with your words again."

"I wouldn't dare. I will not sulk. I will be the one who tries to reconcile with you from now on."

"No way."

Aontakarn looks at me in shock.

"You won't forgive me?"

I laugh and cradle her face in my palms. I massaged her face out of cute aggression.

"No. I mean, for you to say that you will no longer sulk... no way. And I'm not the sulky type. You won't get a chance to try to reconcile with me... You calling into the radio show overwhelmed me so much that I'm at a loss for what to do already. If you do more, I will drown in my own tears." And tears well up my eyes when I think about her apology on the radio show last night. "Since when did you know that I'm Apple?"

Right now, Aontakarn is the one who's wiping my tears for me. Having a woman as a lover fills the air with sensitivity.

"Since early on. I've always known that you're Apple."

"Details please."

"I'll let you know bits by bits. There are many things that I just found out that you should also know."

I nod understandingly before I whine out of shyness because I seem to be the last to know everything.

"And you just watched me being in the dark?"

"I wanted to know what your intention was. But you were so adorable that I pretended not to know if you didn't want to tell me. Whether it's you or Apple, I like both."

"Just like?"

"Okay, love."

"You confess your love so easily these days."

"How can I not? I only have you left in this world. You're the person I love the most, who also loves me the most... All in one." Aontakarn pulls me in for a hug again. She asks for a lot of tenderness today, which I think is cute. "You even saved my life."

"Yeah. That too. You said that your mother wrote to you about this?"

"Yes. The letter is full of your stories. Hang on." The sweet-faced woman turns to open a drawer by the bedside and pulls out a letter. The letter is opened. Her mother had written it in rather sloppy handwriting, but it was legible. It's mainly a farewell letter, and yes...

There are many stories about me in it.

I take my time reading the letter. I focus on every letter so I can feel all that was meant to be felt. The letter talked about how her mother was grateful for my help, and she asked Aontakarn to arrange her eye donation to me if that's at all possible. She knew it couldn't be done, but she still tried.

So that she will have eyes to look at Aon... like I always do.

So that she will be Aon encouragement.. like I've always been.

I will no longer be in this world, but Aon will still have her.

If it's possible... be her friend until old age. Aon needs to do everything possible to get close to her. Carissa is a good-hearted person. I want Aon to have good people in your life.

There is more in the letter, but I can't stop myself from sobbing when I get to this part. I'm sobbing like a broken dam. The guidance counselor never forgot about me, and I don't even remember what I did when I was young. Aontakam, who's sitting beside me, also cries as she laughs, leaning her head on my shoulder.

"Actually, I was angry with myself for taking so long to open the letter. If I had opened it sooner, we would have been friends a long time ago."

"Then it's a good thing that you just opened it."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to be your friend."

The sweet-faced woman appears to be surprised before she lets out a laugh. We lean into each other and wipe each other's tears. We kiss, and we make out the way we like to do it. We were just fooling around at first, but it got more passionate as we wanted more and more.

"It's still early in the morning." The sweet-faced woman leans back and lies down on the bed. She stopped kissing me and made that remark.

"Can't we? I miss you. We haven't done it for a long time now."

"How about last night?"

"I don't remember anything, but if you don't want to..."

"Chris... If I play hard to get again, just jump me. Stop being so polite."

"I can do that?"

"After what I just said... Ops! HA HA... It tickles. Ah..."

Our love is reigniting. This time, nothing can get in our way because we've already been through difficult times together.

Someone once said that getting back with an ex is like reading the same old book, which will end the same as it did.

But for me... Aontakarn is not an old book.

It is the sequels that will be released indefinitely.

Who should I thank for this love? A love that crosses sexual identities and a love that I've chosen to be this person and this person only.

Thank you, Toy, for letting me know what a had and casual relationship is like.

Thank you, Rung, Karakate, and all my identities, for making me dare do many things, though I don't know what they were. Yet they were why Aontakam and I got closer together.

Thank you, Puth, for making me join AppTalk and meet a sad, sweet-faced woman who found her happiness again when we met.

And most of all... thank you, my donor, for giving me the opportunity to be able to see again. I found my beauty. I looked into the eyes of the sweet-faced lady named Aontakarn, and my heart raced.

Thank you for whatever made me look up at the television. I fell in love at first sight, and I mustered up all of my courage to send her a letter that day...

Thank you, Apple, for giving me good memories.

And thank you... Aontakarn, for being in my life and making it more meaningful.

If this is a letter, I will write it to Aontakarn. Of course, I will start it the same way I've always had to give her encouragement, like I've always done.

It's not a mystery... because only Apple starts it that way. And Apple will always be here to give her encouragement. Always.

Dear you... who is loved

END