Sgt. Frog/Keroro Gunsou holds a special and interesting place in my heart. It was one of the first animes I watched as a child and I enjoyed its wacky sense of humor. I never thought I would actually write a story for it, but here it is.
I doubt any humor I inject into this would come close to the sense of humor the show had, but I might as well make an effort to stretch out my funny bone than make no effort at all.
Humor's pretty subjective anyway. To any readers who decide to pick this up, I hope you enjoy and constructive criticism is welcome!
Niriri was busy transferring this month's patient information into his personal computer's database, while drinking half a bottle of Keronian 999 Brand Liquor when an urgent message appeared on the screen commanding him to drop whatever he was doing at this moment to head straight to the Colonel's quarters. He considered downing the rest of his intense beverage before deciding against it. He was known to be many unsavory things by many of his colleagues and patients, sometimes behind his back and most of the time right to his face, but presenting himself to a high-ranking officer hammered would be a new low even for him.
Grabbing a handful of mints to shove into his mouth to mask the reek of alcohol, he made his way to the Colonel's quarters, hands in his lab coat's pockets as he pondered why he was being called there while not giving it much care as the average soldier would.
Maybe if he were young again he would have been shaking and mentally panicking, skimming through his memories to figure out if he had done anything wrong to have the Colonel asking for him. Nowadays though, he just wanted to either drown himself in his work or his drinks. Or both. Both were good.
After pressing the intercom to make his presence known, he entered the Colonel's quarters with a salute, metal sliding doors shutting behind as he leisurely walked to the cushioned seat. Taking a seat, he scooted, chair's material squeaking beneath his bum, crossed and uncrossed his legs, scooted a few more times then sighed once he realized he wasn't going to feel comfortable any time soon. Looking around the room, the Colonel was such a strange man, keeping it chilly, but obviously not enough to freeze a cold-blooded creature, and so dark that Niriri had to squint to spot the Colonel's figure in the darkness, back turned as he shuffled through what sounded like piles of paper.
Rarely did anyone, other than his closest confidants, see his face clearly. He said it was to maintain an aura of mystery, to get the soldiers questioning, but Niriri simply saw it as an inconvenience and a tad dorky.
Okay, it was very dorky.
Best keep that opinion to himself, though.
"I haven't called you here for, perhaps five years or less, yet you wasted no time adhering to my message. Glad to see your sense of decorum hasn't changed a bit."
"My being on time is nothing too impressive, sir. Orders are orders, and I'm mindful enough of my position to know what is and is not acceptable in the workplace."
"Yes, yes, you would know best about that. Your near flawless record does show your dedication to the art of medicine, although, according to sources, your bedside manner could use some work. You're not that popular around here, it seems."
Niriri's apathetic face twitched. Sooo sorry, maybe if so many soldiers weren't a bunch of hard-headed, whiny, 'all it needs is spit and I'm good', nincompoops, my bedside manner would actually be decent, "Sometimes tough love is a necessary evil in keeping my patients in good, working condition. Some could get," he moved his blue, black-freckled, stubby hands in squeezing motions as he carefully articulated his words, silently wishing he had his clipboard to keep them occupied, " a tad overzealous when it comes to fighting for the sake of Keron that they overlook their own health." It's a pain.
The Colonel chuckled. "I understand your frustrations, Major Medic, and I'm sure it's a sentiment shared by many others in your field. Their devotion to their planet is admirable, but ignoring their well-being can become a detriment to not only themselves but those around them as well. As low as your popularity is in this base, your efforts are very much appreciated."
Niriri cleared his throat behind a loose fist. "Yet again, what I do is nothing impressive, just simple following of orders and protocol. Look, is there a reason for me being here? If all you wanted to do was pass on compliments you would have just sent a message or a projection straight to my office. What's so important that you needed to get me here in-person, sir?"
"Straight to the point. I like that." The Colonel snapped his fingers and the desk between them was doused in a bright light, temporarily blinding Niriri. A heavy thump had him removing his hands from his eyes and he found himself staring at a thickset file organizer that, by looks alone, likely weighed more than he did. Niriri glanced up with a questioning frown and saw that the Colonel was now facing him, creepy glowing eyes and all. "Let me get straight to the point too then: ever heard of the Keroro Platoon? They're very well-known around the galaxy so I'd be surprised if you didn't. I," he patted the organizer, "want you to be their permanent medic."
Niriri stared at the Colonel in disbelief, eyes losing the usual half-lidded look. He took time to process this. He took more time to process this when his mind failed to comprehend it the first time.
One…two…three…Ding ding ding!
"What?" he finally croaked.
"You. Medic. Keroro Platoon. Permanent."
"Sir, you can't be serious…"
"I'm not the sort to make jokes about job transfers, Major Medic Niriri."
"First time for everything, then."
The Colonel tilted his head, humming as if he didn't understand his subordinate's reluctance. "Does the thought of joining another platoon offend you that much? It's been close to a decade since the first disbanded, I was under the impression you were over it by now."
Niriri flinched, gripping the arms of the chair in place of his trusty clipboard. "That's not …Are you demoting me? The Keroro Platoon is an F-ranked team. Two years have passed since their placement on Pekopon and zero progress has been made!"
"Always so pessimistic, I assure you this is no demotion. Think of it more as a change in scenery."
"Change in scene—Sending me on vacation is a change in scenery, this is you permanently placing me in an F-ranked team who can't invade to save their own froggin' lives. Seriously, is this because of the low popularity thing? Because I can change!"
"No you won't."
"True, I won't, but—" The rest of Niriri's complaints died at the tip of his tongue when he noticed the shift in atmosphere. He started to sweat. "…niri…"
The Colonel's voice neither rose or lowered when he spoke, and yet it managed to be threatening, "Remember who you're speaking to, soldier. Like you said, orders are orders, and right now I'm giving you a direct order. Are you undermining me?"
With a gulp, Niriri saluted him. "N-no, I'm not trying to, I hadn't meant to…Sorry. I realize now that I spoke out of turn, forgive me for my earlier insolence, sir. I won't let it happen again."
"Good." The suffocating atmosphere dissipated, to Niriri's immense relief. "The Keroro Platoon's results in invading Pekopon is less than satisfactory, yes, but there is also no denying that the planet is their territory. They and those Pekoponian allies are always seen at the frontlines when there is a threat against their planet. Their resilience is commendable, and I have remaining hope for their success in making the entirety of Pekopon theirs."
The Colonel dramatically motioned to the organizer. "Therein lies information about the Keroro Platoon and their allies: skill sets, diets, temperaments, and medical histories all gathered for your convenience. As you can see, the amount of perilous incidents they get involved in is tremendous, so I deemed it necessary to send them a permanent medic rather than a field one. We needed someone who could best handle their quirks, and seeing that Chief Medic Pururu is already a member of the Garuru Platoon…"
"You th—considered me a good fit, sir?" Niriri finished, voice weak. He eyed the organizer, feeling a growing sense of dread in the pit of his stomach.
"I wouldn't have called you here otherwise. I'm giving you three days to prepare for your transfer to Pekopon. A Cadet will bring you to the train that leads to Tokyo, Japan as they call it. I wish you the best of luck. You're dismissed until further notice."
In a few quick minutes, Niriri found himself standing outside the Colonel's quarters, clutching the oversized organizer in his arms as he stared at passing Keronian soldiers in slack-jawed silence.
He tipped forward and fell flat on his face.
The Author regrets nothing yet everything at the same time.
Let the Fanfic Madness begin!
