AN: I'm not dead, just a little slow.
Chapter 5: The Letter
Astrid woke up the next morning extremely hungover, unbelievably depressed, but somehow by Thor's will, alive…
The girl had drunk at least half a barrel of alcohol by herself last night, and would have continued to power through it if her friends hadn't interrupted her. She didn't remember many of the events that transpired after she'd arrived at the Great Hall, but the one thing she did know was that it had been exactly 1 week since Arkyn was killed, and Astrid didn't feel any better now than she had the moment the tragedy occurred. If anything, things were worse, and Astrid realized this as soon as some of the nasty things she'd said finally began to echo in her head.
She wasn't ready to apologize yet, however. Hiccup still clearly had feelings for her that she didn't want to have for him and Ruffnut had betrayed her by spilling the true story of her vacation with Arkyn to the rest of the dragon riders- a story that Ruffnut only knew in the first place because she unfairly pressed Astrid for it in the arena. If Astrid had really gotten her way, what she had experienced on Nomanisan Island with Arkyn would have ended up in the grave with her, but that ship had sailed already.
It both annoyed and surprised Astrid that her best friend and the future chief were being the biggest thorns in her side at the moment. Fishlegs continued to be his normal, wholesome, genuine self of course. Nobody ever gave him enough credit. And shockingly, despite their tendency to make crude jokes and general immaturity, Snotlout and Tuffnut had taken a welcome step back from their typical antics and stayed out of Astrid's way, something she certainly wouldn't complain about.
But this didn't amount to much. It had only been a week after all, and Astrid would live for thousands more if she was careful about it, even though the motivation to do so was indescribably low. Laying there on her bed in a half drunken state, Astrid considered what it would be like if she were to just 'accidentally' detach her riding harness and fall off of Stormfly during a flight. But the teen ultimately decided that she wasn't strong enough to actually end her own life, no matter how badly she wanted to see Arkyn again. Some unexplainable, unseen presence kept her grounded, told her to push forward, and promised her that things would get better someday. If only she could place where this was coming from…
Lifting her aching head from her pillow, Astrid looked towards Arkyn's saddle and couldn't help but feel hopeless again. Was that really all she had to keep him close? Stinger was still around, but knowing Triplestrykes, it was only a matter of time before the dragon's natural instincts kicked in and he returned to the wild. After the funeral, Stoick had also given her Arkyn's honorary Commander medal since he didn't have any living family members to present it to, but the teen hadn't bothered to take it out of the box yet. What if one day, years in the future, she had actually become part of Arkyn's real family? It was too much for her to think about, so she'd hidden the medal away in her dresser, the possibility of seeing what a future with Arkyn would have looked like now being gone forever.
This wasn't everything, however. Astrid was surprised that it hadn't crossed her mind sooner, but Arkyn's house was still standing where it had always been, and out of all the physical reminders of the boy's legacy that were left, it was perhaps one of the most significant. She hadn't visited it since the two of them woke up next to each other in his bed the morning of the doomed dragon races. Astrid frowned as she came to terms with the fact that the memory was now trapped in an empty shell that used to be a home. Life had disappeared from its walls and left it as a prison for the ghost of its former tenant to be reflected in.
Despite her clouded thoughts, Astrid was still aware of how she missed the safety of the house's sturdy presence, and so as she drifted back onto her pillow in an attempt to sleep off the effects of her hangover, she decided that a trip to the structure was long overdue, and as soon as she woke up, that would become her priority objective.
—
Astrid slept most of that day. She'd woken up just before sunset feeling much better, flown to the arena, broken Stinger out of the stables, hauled him to Arkyn's house, and made sure to avoid both her parents and the rest of her friends along the way, hoping to everyone above that they wouldn't bother her that night. She now stood on the modest dirt path that lay before the former home of her betrothed and studied the stone steps that led up its front walk and ended at its wooden door. Stinger and Stormfly rested quietly behind her as if they could sense her grief- and perhaps they even shared it.
It felt surreal for the girl to be standing in that spot again. The last time Astrid consciously remembered taking in this particular view of the structure was when Arkyn stood quietly in its doorway on the night of his party, nervously asking Astrid to join him for a dance. She didn't want to let the moment get to her, but she'd be lying if she said it wasn't. She just wanted him back…that's all…but deep down she knew it was an impossible ask. Deep down she knew that one day she'd have to move on and maybe find someone else, but gods damn it, today was not that day.
Swallowing her fear, Astrid took cautious steps toward the house until she could reach out and touch it, at which point she slid the wooden bolt on the door to the side and lifted the latch to let it swing it open.
Shuffling inside, she began to take everything in. The empty loft with its ladder neatly stowed above, the table and spindly chairs where she and Arkyn had spent hours talking, the humble fireplace on the left wall and the shelves and cabinets fitted beside it, the bed they'd lain in together, still not made after they'd crawled out of it that fateful morning…
Astrid thought of how nice it had been just to rest beneath those covers, to know that Arkyn was there with her, to feel his arms around her. She tried desperately to hold onto her memories of that night, picking up a few of their shared words here, the feeling of hot breaths there, but in the end too much of it was lost. There would come a time- years in the future- when she wouldn't think about it so much. When what they'd done together after returning from Nomanisan island wouldn't have such a grip on her. When this experience would lose its weight and charm in light of new ones. But for now it choked her to think about all the things she'd left unsaid when she'd been right there in that bed with him, and it would for quite some time yet.
It was dark inside the house. The light was getting low outside and the few rays that still streamed through the dusty windows landed dimly on the floor, doing little to help illuminate the space. Astrid briefly glanced at where Arkyn used to mount his sword to the wall, but tore her gaze away upon noticing that it was empty. Tiptoeing further into the house, it was only then Astrid noticed something that nearly took her breath away.
Sitting on the center of Arkyn's desk to the right of the fireplace was his Nomanisan soldier's helmet. He hadn't been wearing it when he'd returned to the fight, and although Astrid hadn't thought consciously about it before, she supposed this was the only place he could have discarded it.
The sleek, black ornament commanded respect and admiration even when its owner was no longer inside it. Its sharp, but elegantly lined surfaces still looked as menacing and intimidating as the day Astrid first saw them, the empty cutouts for the eyes still giving a thousand-yard-stare towards whatever infinite abyss lay in front of them, daring someone to stare back. Specks of dust had begun to sprinkle over the helmet, but this hardly detracted from it, and in addition to its iconic, timeless look, its practical functionality also remained uninhibited.
"Mine happens to be the toughest in existence." Arkyn had boasted that day at the forge. "Screaming Death scales…it's virtually indestructible." And indeed, his impressive craftsmanship had successfully protected him from a myriad of threats during his time on Berk, but Astrid still let out a sigh as she accepted what Arkyn realized a week ago- that no matter how strong the apparatus was, it would still never be enough to withstand the aftermath of the final task he'd set out to do. Ironically, as tough as Screaming Death scales were, they weren't immune to being obliterated by their own kind…
In addition to being the toughest in existence, Astrid guessed that it was probably the only one in existence. The rest were probably engulfed in the attack on Nomanisan or at the bottom of the ocean somewhere far away, the remains of their owners resting with them on the seabed. And so the teen felt lucky to see this one again, comforted to know that Arkyn had worn it not with fear, but with pride. She stared at it a moment longer- too afraid to touch it for worry that it would disappear beneath her fingers- and finally moved to sit on the side of Arkyn's bed. It compressed slightly under her weight, inviting her in.
Astrid sat there awhile, with her feet resting on the wooden bed frame and her head in her hands. All of Arkyn's physical legacy- everything he'd left behind for her to hang onto save for his dragon and his saddle- swallowed her within the walls of his home. And as Arkyn's betrothed, she realized she blended in with it perfectly. All of it was contained in one single place, including herself, collecting dust in his absence.
This got her wondering exactly what else was in the house for her to save. She glanced towards Arkyn's nightstand, eyeing it with a mix of curiosity and shame. If anyone else were in her shoes right now, she would've considered the thought an intrusion- a dive through someone's personal belongings that they hadn't been invited to take. But this was different. No one would barge in on her, chastise her for looking in places she shouldn't, accuse her of being nosy…that person was gone. So she took a breath, accepting that what she was doing was hypocritical, and opened the top drawer of the nightstand.
Inside was a key and a neatly folded up piece of paper. Astrid guessed the key opened the trunk that Arkyn once described to hold his family's savings, and as such she left it alone. She might've been snooping around, but she was not a thief, no matter how dead the owner of the gold was. Instead she picked up the piece of paper and gingerly unfolded it to its full size. As she did so, two more identical papers slid off the top, the creases no longer locking them together. Astrid carefully laid all three flat on the bed, and after a lot of squinting in the dim room, she finally discovered what was on them.
Each paper contained Arkyn's original, hand drawn diagrams for a different item. The first had several illustrations of Arkyn's Nomanisan soldier's helmet from various viewpoints, the second depicted notes on the construction of his ceremonial sword, and the third shown detailed sketches and a list of materials for the axe he'd gifted to Astrid upon their betrothal- the one she now wore on her back everyday- the one she now could not part from…
"What Hiccup wouldn't give to study these…" The girl whispered to herself, taking it all in.
She had to admit that the true significance of the blueprints was slightly lost on her due to their extremely technical nature, but if the Haddock ever got a chance to lay eyes on them, he'd be going nuts. Astrid sighed, the knowledge that she would eventually need to apologize to the other Viking returning to her. But she needed some more time to cool off, and Arkyn had always characteristically kept his projects under wraps anyway, so for now she folded them back up and placed them where she'd found them, her sustained grudge against the future chief encouraging her to gate-keep these unexpected finds until further notice.
Next came the bottom drawer.
Its movement wasn't as smooth as the one she'd just opened, and Astrid had to yank surprisingly hard to juggle it out of the frame. From what she could tell at first, a small book was the only thing laying inside, but after closer inspection she identified it as the journal of Eobard Ishman- the Viking who had spent vast portions of his life studying Screaming Deaths. She remembered the day she had spent with Arkyn on trader Johann's boat, how excited Fishlegs had been to find the piece of literature, and then later Arkyn's request to borrow it until the Ingerman actually found the time to read it himself. Apparently that time had not yet come, and here it sat in Arkyn's nightstand, taunting his ghost with each and every word of its subject matter.
Astrid, never much of a reader herself, set the book aside without opening it, intending to give it back to Fishlegs when she saw him next as he was still its rightful owner. With a heavy sigh, the girl moved to shut the now empty drawer again, but this time something caught her eye that immediately piqued her curiosity.
Wedged in between the side of the drawer and the frame of the nightstand was an envelope. It barely stuck out of the small crack, but the extra friction it had caused perfectly explained why opening the drawer had been so difficult. Astrid reached for it with icy fingers, slowly and carefully prying it from where it was trapped so as not to damage it. Whether it had accidentally fallen there or Arkyn had purposely stashed it in such a hidden spot would remain a mystery to Astrid for the rest of her life, but whatever the case, it hadn't been hidden enough to keep her from discovering it.
She could tell there was writing on the envelope's face by the texture she felt as she ran her hands over it, but by now night had fallen outside and the house was pitch black. Lifting a candle from on top of the nightstand, Astrid lit it by striking its wick on the heel of her boot, and suddenly warm firelight created a comfortable bubble around her. She let out a gasp at what she saw next. Written neatly in big, fancy letters was one thing: her name.
ASTRID HOFFERSON
The teen cautiously let her worries of poking around melt away as she read this. If anything in this house was meant for her and her alone to find, it was this. Astrid's eyes became wet with sorrow and anticipation as she turned over the envelope and lifted the flap, extracting the contents from inside.
Astrid found herself to be holding a folded up letter in one hand, but her jaw really dropped when it registered to the girl that in her other hand she held a betrothal certificate. Arkyn's name along with her own adorned the header, but where his signature should've been was instead the word VOID in big, bold handwriting. The village notary's own signature was underneath, and where Astrid and her parents would have signed was left blank. As it turned out, Arkyn hadn't been lying to her. He really had tried to have a real certificate drawn up in order to make their pairing official, but laws were laws, and the notary had cruelly denied it without his parents being there for him.
She grimaced at the illegitimate document, setting it aside as the first real tear dripped down her cheek. It had never bothered Astrid that their betrothal couldn't be put into ink somewhere, but seeing the failed certificate with her own eyes stung badly, and now that Arkyn was gone she wished she had a more positive keepsake to remember the relationship by. Nothing could be done about it now, however, so she wrenched her focus towards the letter instead, terrified to read what it was about after the precursor she'd just examined. It was curiously dated for the day on which Arkyn asked Astrid to be his betrothed, and between this clue and the certificate, the girl had a pretty good idea of what was coming next.
Hoff,
It began simply, with Arkyn adorably addressing Astrid with his preferred shorthand for her name, something he'd picked up after they'd gotten close with one another.
If you are reading this right now, then it means I wasn't enough of a man to do what I actually planned to do when I took you up to our spot on the cliffs this morning. It is with regret that I'm delivering this letter to you instead, because the words contained inside are ones I would much rather speak face to face. Thor only knows if I have the strength for that however, but either way, it is imperative that you receive what I've been meaning to tell you in some form or another, so here we are. I'll try to keep it brief in an attempt to spare both of us some embarrassment.
Losing everything is a humbling experience. You never quite realize what you have until it's gone, and I know that sounds cliche, but now I understand that it's true. I hope you never find out what it feels like to wake up one morning on an island you've never been to before with no one, absolutely no one, left in your life that you're close to. It's an ugly thing. And that's what I was experiencing the first day I met you.
As I'm sure you remember, we got off to a bit of a rocky start. Admittedly that was more my fault than yours with me being the intruder, but whatever the case, we got over it. It seems trivial now. And beneath your hard shell and cold comebacks I found someone special. Someone strong. Someone who isn't afraid to get their hands dirty in a fight. Someone brave. Someone beautiful. Someone who is caring and worth caring for. It took me until the night of the party Stoick threw for me to realize it, but when I did, I knew I couldn't let you slip through my fingers, because I mean it when I say that I fell for you, Astrid- hard.
That brings me to the other piece of paper enclosed in this envelope, and if you've found it already, then I suppose my cover is blown. Not that it would have mattered anyway…
It is a simple fact that no one has helped heal me more since the attack on my home than you. Your character is so illuminating that oftentimes when the two of us are together, I find myself forgetting about the things I've lost completely. These moments feel like breaths of fresh air, and they have taught me quite possibly the most important life lesson I've ever learned: love overcomes. It overpowers all other emotions and mends wounds and allows us to forgive and encourages growth and unites souls in a way no other thing can.
I paid your parents a visit yesterday and explained all of this to them. Yeah yeah, behind your back while you were giving Stormfly a bath. Try not to be too mad at me. I think I'm starting to like your mom a lot more than your dad. She was far easier to convince of what I'm about to ask, but in the end I eventually got both of their blessings. It's clear to see they're really looking out for you.
We had to fight off the Flightmare a few days ago, and in the process I came closer to losing you than I ever have before. Just imagining it knocked the wind out of me. It made me realize that I need you more than I thought I did. It made me realize that I only want to be there for you even more. It made me realize that if we're going to continue growing up together, then I want to commit to growing up with you. So please, Astrid, even though this isn't how I intended to ask you, will you be my betrothed?
I know you were probably hoping for something better. You deserve better, but I decided that even if I failed on the cliffs this morning, I just couldn't wait any longer, so if you can find it in your heart to forgive me for the unfortunate lack of 'fireworks' that usually come along with proposals like this, then please don't give up on me yet. And if I've completely misread this and in fact you don't share any of these feelings with me, then I am prepared for that outcome as well. Thank you for all you have done for me so far. It will be remembered. As for the voided certificate you see, that explanation is one best saved from my poor handwriting. I'll tell you everything you need to know when I see you again.
Maybe you say no- as you have every right to- and maybe I won't be able to stick around forever, and maybe today is the day that our relationship as we know it changes forever, either for better or for worse. But if I leave you with one thing that I really want you to understand, it's that even if one day my blood runs cold or you spit in my face or all the creatures of Helheim invade our world…even if earth should shatter or we somehow end up worlds apart, never to see each other again, I need you to understand that everything must have an ending…
except…
my love…
for you.
No. Matter. What.
-Arkyn Stryerson
Shock radiated through Astrid's body as she bawled her eyes out on the bed. Her thoughts raced trying to unpack each and every word of Arkyn's letter, hanging onto one phrase after another as if it were life support.
It made sense why he hadn't shown this to her before. In reality, Arkyn did end up being strong enough to give Astrid the fireworks he said she deserved that day on the cliff. He'd mustered up the courage to ask Astrid his big question in person, just like he had planned. This letter was only his fail safe. His backup plan. His incentive not to chicken out, for he knew that a letter would never be able to convey what he needed to convey. There was no need to deliver it if the job was already done.
She cracked feeble smiles backed by tears at the paragraph about her parents, finding it sweet that Arkyn had made efforts to form his own relationship with them as well. He'd asked Astrid to forgive him for seeing them without her knowledge even though he didn't have to because of how much better her life had been as a result. What was perhaps most amusing, however, was that like almost everybody else, Arkyn seemed to socially gravitate towards her mother first, wary of her father's abrasive tendencies. A suppressed giggle was allowed to escape as she read his words admitting this.
She withered at his preemptive apologies, his eloquence, and his compliments- but even more than all that, she withered at his respect for her freedom of decision. Nowhere in the letter did he make arrogant remarks or assumptions about Astrid's feelings. Nowhere did he attempt to coerce her into an agreement, or threaten anything if she were to decline. It was just so very Arkyn- so wholesomely passive. Like a piece of himself had been attached to that paper for Astrid to grasp onto, just so he could remind her of how much she meant to him, even if it meant there was a possibility that nothing was waiting for him in return.
The one thing the teen truly couldn't get over though, was Arkyn's use of the word love. He'd had the confidence to write it several times, but was too nervous to say it out loud until the very moment the two dragon riders were made to part. It made him seem so human, so self conscious about the potential outcomes of his actions. Perhaps he had been bold enough to ask for a betrothal face to face only so he wouldn't need to use the letter, in which case he could protect Astrid from reading words that might have scared her away. But now, after everything that had happened, reading the word love felt like a warm embrace from an old friend- something Astrid wished she would have reciprocated sooner. And the way he'd written it…
Astrid let her mind wander. She imagined Arkyn resting on the bed with her the night after they'd gone to Nomanisan island. She remembered the way he'd kissed her right before they'd gone to sleep. She remembered what he'd started to say but couldn't finish, and soon his voice rang out in her head, deep and decisive, but still gentle. Everything must have an ending…except…my love…for you.
It made the girl go weak with grief, and she collapsed the rest of the way onto the bed as she deposited the letter next to her on the nightstand. There wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be that night, and going back home soon became out of the question. Astrid wished that her mind could trick her into thinking this was her real home instead, but without Arkyn around, it was difficult.
She checked to make sure she'd locked both doors and drew the covers up to her chin, taking one final glance at Arkyn's helmet before allowing her eyes to close. Its unmistakably unique outline burned in Astrid's exhausted eyelids as sleep began to overtake the girl, but just before it did, she could've sworn to Odin himself that she felt something wrap around her midsection- just as she'd experienced 8 long, grueling nights ago.
The cold leather of a glove, the gentle hand of a caring lover, the ever supportive arm of a dragon rider who had been through far too much, far too soon.
