"Blimey Lily, you look like you spent the summer with a dementor." Bessie said very bluntly as Lily met her friends on the Hogwarts Express back to school.
They were all sixteen now and they'd all changed a lot. Sylvie had succeeded in securing a boyfriend, David Cheshire of Ravenclaw, who she wasted no time in going to find again on the train. Mary was tall and had that slightly awkward look of someone who wasn't yet comfortable with her new height. Bessie had developed in other areas, with the consequence that the nickname 'Breastie' had been coined for her, presumably by Potter and Black's gang as no one else could be quite so immature.
"Thanks, Bessie." Lily said. "I spent it with Sev, actually."
"Did you spend it in a cave? You look like you've not seen sunlight for days."
Did she? She hadn't been indoors that much had she?
Perhaps she'd spent more time inside than she usually would have, but she'd needed time to think.
The problem was, the more she thought, the worse her thoughts became. It was like feeding the giant squid. The more she gave, the more it took.
"You need some girl time." Bessie told her. "We're going to have a first night back party in the common room later, and I insist that you stay and join us."
Though Lily had been planning to see Sev again, she agreed nonetheless.
Potter's gang had secured butterbeers and snacks from the kitchens and even a bottle of firewhiskey, which she assumed had been stolen from one of their parents' houses over the summer.
She, Bessie, Mary and Sylvie changed from their school robes into evening dresses and Lily did her hair up and applied makeup for the first time in weeks.
"You look stunning." Bessie smiled at her. "Now please just have fun tonight. And don't think about… anything."
Lily had to admit the butterbeer and firewhiskey certainly helped her a lot with that.
She could feel herself growing louder and less contained but she chose to let it happen. She was so sick of being the sensible prefect all the time. Why couldn't she be the one having fun for a change?
Even Potter and Black were less hideous in this merry state.
"OK Evans, your turn." Black said, spinning the bottle on the common room floor which landed on her. "I dare you to…" he looked around the room for inspiration. And then he grinned. "Snog Potter."
"Eugh!" Lily said. In her slightly tipsy state she was perhaps less mindful of others' feelings than she might normally have been. However she wasn't tipsy enough to find Potter remotely appealing. "I'll take the truth, thanks." She said, ignoring the hurt look on Potter's face.
"I'm not sure that's how the rules work." Black said. "But alright. I can't say I blame you. OK. Is it true that… Snivellus has joined the death eaters?"
Lily sobered up at once. "No." She said firmly. "It's not." She didn't bother correcting their use of the stupid nickname they had for Sev. She knew the definition of madness was doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.
"Shame. You could have given us intel of what they're up to." Potter said.
"That is if he'd share what he was up to with you."
"I know those death eater types like to keep secrets."
"It's why the prat who calls himself Voldemort is known as you know who."
"Oh who are you, you know who?" Potter sang.
"Ironic, isn't it? The bloke's got a nickname that makes no sense at all. No one sodding does know who he is."
"Except perhaps Snivellus?" Both boys turned eagerly to Lily as though just remembering she was there.
Lily felt suddenly a bit sick. Of course Sev wouldn't know anything about the death eaters. This wasn't funny. This was her boyfriend they were talking about.
She got to her feet, a little unsteadily. Bessie put out an arm to support her. "Are you alright?" She frowned.
"Fresh air." Lily muttered and, without a backwards glance, left the common room.
She had to find him. She had to talk to him. She had to see for herself that he was still the boy she knew and loved, not this creepy death eater fanatic the others seemed to think he was.
She fairly ran through the castle. She attracted Peeves along the way, who wolf whistled loudly and then continued to float behind her with a customary new invented song.
Oh Evans, good heavens, what perfume do you wear? Oh Evans, good heavens, what have you done with your hair? Now you may think you're pretty, but as Peeves sings with this ditty, you're really, my deary, more ugly than fair…
But Lily stopped listening. Peeves' taunts were nothing compared to those now running through her head. Sev wasn't a death eater. Sev had no connection to Voldemort whatsoever.
She needed to hear it. She wanted to hear him tell her.
Hang on, where was she?
The walls of the castle were blurring slightly. Peeves' song sounded strangely slurred. Who was that coming towards her?
She doubled over and was sick all over the floor.
She woke up the next morning with a banging headache.
The dormitory was so bright it hurt her eyes. She rolled over and was very nearly sick again.
She looked over to where Mary was, as was her morning custom, reading in bed.
"Mary." She whispered. She reached for the glass of water someone had left by her bed. "What happened?"
Mary smiled. "You were sick all over Professor Slughorn's shoes. He helped you back to Gryffindor tower and then we got you into bed. I think he'd have come to help too, but I suppose he's a boy so the staircase would have melted."
Not feeling in any mood to laugh at Slughorn being referred to as a 'boy' or the mental image of him sliding down the staircase to the girls' dorms, Lily took another sip of water.
"Did he give me detention?" She asked, totally unable to remember any conversation with her potions master.
"No, he gave you a hangover cure. Here, I've got it." And she handed a small phial to Lily.
Lily wasn't sure what she'd done to deserve the good favour of her potions master. She was sure if she'd been found by McGonagall she wouldn't be in this position right now.
"He's an angel." She said, taking a sip of the potion and feeling, to her immense relief, her hangover symptoms easing entirely. "I'd better go and thank him and apologise…"
"My dear Lily." Slughorn said, waving her apology away with a laugh when he answered the door to her. "If I had a galleon for every time I saw a student in the position you were in last night…"
Lily was quite sure if it had been any other student Slughorn would have imposed some kind of sanction, but she wasn't going to argue with the favouritism.
When she went to find Sev, he was in a sympathetic mood. She'd forgotten why she'd gone looking for him last night. She let him stroke her hair and comfort her and by the time she returned to the common room later, all the drama of the night before was totally forgotten.
In fact, Sylvie was the one having the boyfriend dramas now. "Girls. He wants to do it." She announced to the dorm that night, with the same seriousness and gravity as one announcing their departure from the country.
She turned to Lily. Lily blushed. "Why are you looking at me?!"
"Because you know, don't you?"
Lily really didn't want to be having this conversation. "Sylvie, it'll be fine." She said. "If it feels right, it'll be right. Humans have been doing this for… millennia. You really can't get it wrong."
"Why don't you want to talk about it?" Bessie said, frowning at her slightly. "It's supposed to be fun, isn't it?"
Was it? Fun wasn't really a word Lily would use to describe anything about Sev. Sensitive, gentle, a little awkward, maybe…
"Well it has to be perfect." Sylvie insisted. "Girls, this might just be the most important moment of my life."
Unfortunately, Sylvie was very disappointed.
Outside of boyfriends, now they were preparing for their NEWTs, their schoolwork was reaching mountainous heights.
As Lily had received excellent grades for her OWLs she wasn't too worried, but she still wanted to achieve the required grades to train as an auror.
It had been obvious this was what she was going to do for a few years now.
She'd always been brilliant at defence against the dark arts and, as a muggleborn, she knew she had to stand up to those in wizarding society who disregarded her or those like her.
Some of the death eaters' views were worse than this. She knew some didn't think muggleborns were worthy of existing in society at all and anyone who spoke out in their favour would mysteriously vanish or else members of their family would be horribly murdered.
If Lily didn't fight as an auror, in a few years time there would be no other careers she would be able to enter as a muggleborn. She had to do what she could now.
Whether it was Professor McGonagall telling Dumbledore about her career ambitions or for other reasons Lily wasn't sure, but at the start of her seventh year, she received an invitation to meet the headmaster in his office.
To her surprise, Black, Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew had also been invited.
"The Order of the Phoenix?" She said, staring at Dumbledore and feeling a mixture of fear and elation.
This was what she wanted, wasn't it? She wanted to fight, and here was her opportunity, literally handed on a golden invitation.
Dumbledore smiled at her. "Only if you wish to join." He said. "If you do not, we say no more about it."
"I'm in!" Black and Potter said predictably. Lupin agreed emphatically, and Pettigrew went along with it too. Pettigrew went along with anything Black and Potter did.
"Miss Evans?"
Lily thought carefully. This was her moment. This was her time to choose. Did she want to stay on the sidelines, sit on the fence, disagree with the dark arts but not actually do anything about it, or did she want to stand up and be counted? To fight? To make a difference?
"I'm in." Lily said.
"You what?!"
"I told you." Lily told Sev, frowning at him as he stared at her in horror. "I've signed up for the Order of the Phoenix."
Sev shook her head. He looked angrier than Lily thought she'd ever seen him. "Dumbledore's got no right to ask you to do that." He said fiercely. "And you can't fight against the death eaters."
Lily looked at him. "Why not?"
Sev faltered. "Well, because you don't disagree with everything they stand for, do you?" He said, recovering quickly.
"What could I possibly have to agree on with a death eater?!"
"Well, you care about good education and wizards being more open in muggle society don't you? You don't think we should have to hide away like we do at the moment, do you?"
Lily thought about this. It would certainly be nice to share who she really was with her old muggle school friends, but then wouldn't the fuss and attention get a bit tiresome after a while? They'd be forever wanting magical solutions to their problems. Maybe she would prefer being 'just Lily' without them knowing she was a witch.
"I dunno." She said. "I don't think the way they do things now is that bad."
Sev looked at her like she had two heads. "What do you mean things aren't that bad? Things are terrible! We've basically been forced into hiding and muggles…" he scowled. "Muggles have too much power."
Lily knew enough about Sev to know that his interest in the death eaters was at least partly inspired by his hatred of his father. If only he could find a way to let go of that he might not be quite so desperate for radical measures.
"Muggles aren't all bad." Lily told him quietly. "Most are very good."
Sev gave her a pitying look. "That's not true." He said. "I know that's not true."
Truth was a funny thing, Lily realised. Everyone had their own version of it. But she also knew someone's truth could change. She'd believed she was just a regular girl until the age of eleven. How wrong has she been?!
She reached out a hand for Sev's. "I don't believe you." She smiled at him. He'd soon see things her way. She was sure of it.
But over time, she saw she was wrong.
Though Sev didn't talk about the death eaters to her, he must have been doing so with those in his house.
Towards the end of their final year, Black (who'd never been particularly reserved) told anyone who'd listen how his idiot brother had 'definitely signed up for the death eaters'.
"I mean I don't give a toss what he does." He said, fooling no one in the process. "But we've got to stop him, and people like him."
"How do you know he's signed up?" Lily asked him nervously.
She had to admit she didn't find Potter and Black quite so odious now they'd grown up a bit. Potter had been captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team for a couple of years now, and Dumbledore had also made him head boy.
Though Lily had assumed James would use his new powers to break more rules than ever, this wasn't what happened. He was quite a good leader really. Perhaps a bit relaxed, but fair and responsible nonetheless.
She wondered if it was his support of his friend that helped with his maturity too. She knew Black had moved in with him some time in their fifth year and though she didn't know the details, it sounded like Black had had a rough time of it. Maybe he was beginning to see there was a world outside his big head (and the quidditch pitch).
Black turned to Lily. He appeared to be genuinely considering the question. And then he sighed. "Well I can't see how he wouldn't have done. He's been obsessed with the death eaters for years, collecting little clippings about what Voldemort's been up to. Our parents loved him for it. Or whatever their version of that is…" he gave Lily a humourless smile. "Now he's sixteen I can't see anything stopping him."
Lily shook her head. Sixteen was still so young. They were all eighteen now but fighting Voldemort still felt far greater a task than anything Hogwarts could have possibly prepared them for. Would they be fighting against people like Sirius' brother? Who else would they meet…?
Fortunately (or not as the war situation really was becoming dire now), Dumbledore wanted them all to stay and finish their studies before doing any direct fighting.
They could still meet other members of the Order though and sit in on planning sessions.
Lily became very friendly with Alice Longbottom and Marlene McKinnon at these meetings.
Alice and Marlene had been a few years above her at Hogwarts but she hadn't had much to do with them. Marlene in particular, with her long dark hair and fierce quick wit had always somewhat intimidated her.
Alice was gentler and very kind. She had joined the Order with her husband Frank as they, quite simply, wanted to do anything they could to make the world a better place.
Lily loved that about the Order members. They saw things for the way they were. They saw that if they wanted something doing, it was up to them to do it. So many people tended to rely on the ministry or other people to sort their lives out. They didn't understand that they were their lives.
Though only eighteen, Lily knew this was how she wanted to spend hers. Even if her parents did have their reservations about this decision.
"What do you mean, sort of like a policewoman?" Her mum said, frowning at her.
Lily was explaining her new career to her parents in the kitchen of their house in Cokeworth. She'd brought Lupin along with her to help.
She and Lupin were very friendly these days. In fact she had just about started calling him 'Remus'.
"Remus! What a brilliant name!" Her mum had said, smiling warmly at the boy (now man, really) as she met him at their front door. Though Lily's parents liked most people, she could see they were very taken with Lupin (sorry, Remus).
"It's as safe as it possibly can be." Remus told Lily's mum presently. "The man who leads it, Dumbledore, is the greatest wizard alive today."
"Dumbledore…" Lily's dad said with a frown. "Isn't that the man who came to tell us you were a witch?"
Lily nodded. She was sure her parents wouldn't have forgotten that.
"Well I agree he seemed like a sensible sort of chap." Mrs Evans said. "But aren't there other people whose job it is to do this?"
"Mum!" Lily said crossly. "Where do you think those 'other people' came from? They were teenagers like me at one point. Bad things are happening in my world at the moment. I have to protect it."
And though Lily knew her parents didn't like it, they didn't argue with her. They'd always been so proud of her. Of how she'd been magical in the first place, of how she'd used her abilities to become prefect and nearly top of her year and now, she was sure of it, that she was defending the world she had stepped into and become an integral part of.
"What about Sev?" Her mum asked. "What's he doing now he's graduated?"
Remus looked down at the table.
"He's considering his options." Lily said.
Sev had moved into Spinner's End.
His mum had successfully fled the house the previous year. She sometimes sent Sev letters from the women's refuge she was staying in, but they had become less regular as time went on. Lily sometimes wondered if even Sev was too much of a reminder of the life she'd left to maintain steady correspondence.
Though Lily hoped she was doing well for herself (she had apparently changed her name and was looking for a complete 'fresh start'), she did still wish she hadn't abandoned her son.
Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) his wife's actions caused such a steady decline in Sev's father's mood that he was drinking more and more.
And then Sev was called into Dumbledore's office one day to be told the man had died.
No one was sure if he'd meant to do it, but no one's body could handle the alcohol and drugs he'd filled it with. He'd been forty eight years old.
If the absence of the man who had abused him and his mother for his entire lifetime generated an uplift in Sev's mood, he didn't show it.
He set about destroying all evidence of his father's existence, selling what he could to have enough money for him to survive without a job.
Lily wasn't sure what he did during the lonely days in the house when he wasn't seeing her. But when she went round he always greeted her warmly.
She hoped that finally having some independence might be good for him.
"You must know Sev." Lily's mum said, smiling at Remus. "I know you were in different houses, Lily said, but you still must have shared some classes?"
"Yes, we did." Remus said quietly.
And that was all he said on the matter.
Though Lily moved to London for Order of the Phoenix training with Dumbledore and a man called Alastor Moody, she returned to her parents' place after.
She knew she'd need to find somewhere more secure to live. She couldn't risk anything happening to them because of her.
Petunia had married a man called Vernon Dursley. The pair had met while working at a firm called Grunnings.
Lily was seeing less and less of her sister these days. She and her husband had moved to a house in Little Whinging, Surrey (where they spoke very well indeed), and Petunia seemed to be greatly enjoying her middle-class southern lifestyle. It had been all she'd ever wanted for herself.
She asked Sev once if perhaps she could move in with him but to her slight hurt, he had rejected the offer.
"Just give me some time to get it sorted." He told her. "Then I promise we'll do anything you want."
She wasn't sure what 'get it sorted' meant exactly, but she agreed to give him the time he needed and so stayed with her parents.
She had to admit this did have the added advantage of meaning she could invite friends from the Order round.
It could be lonely work, fighting in the Order. They were sent on missions every so often, but there was a lot of free time between them.
In the down time, they needed to get together and support each other. Lily was sure they'd go mad otherwise.
Mr and Mrs Evans delighted in having their front room full of witches and wizards.
Not wanting to overwhelm her parents too much, she'd invited the boys only.
She had to admit she'd been wrong about Potter and Black.
She could see them in a way she never had before. Their friendship was strong and she could see they were brave, good people. Who else was willing to risk their lives for something outside themselves in the way they were?
They also let her into a secret.
"Moony!" Lily cried, suddenly the nickname (and incident in the boys' fifth year) making sense.
"Yeah." Black, sorry, Sirius, grinned. "And that's not all. Watch this…"
"Hang on." Potter said, putting out an arm and frowning at his friend. "How do we know she won't run and tell her pet Snivelly?"
Lily frowned at Potter. This was the one bone of contention she still had with the boys. The way they still treated her boyfriend with so much disdain.
"Potter." Lily said, fixing him with as stern a look as she could manage. "As a member of the Order of the Phoenix I think I know a thing or two about keeping secrets."
Potter considered her and then he nodded. "Fair enough." He said. And then he pulled out his wand, there was a loud 'pop' and where he'd just been, a deer stood in his place.
Lily's mouth fell open.
But before she had a chance to do or say anything, Sirius had pulled out his wand and, seconds later an enormous black dog appeared by the deer.
Blinking in amazement she turned to Peter. But Peter was no longer there. Wondering if he'd gone to the kitchen, she moved towards the door, but there was the sound of frantic squeaking and she looked down to see a rat.
She smiled. Wormtail. It all made sense.
She turned to Remus. "They did this for you." She said.
Remus nodded, his wondrous smile reflecting her own. These boys really would do anything for one another. That was true love, she realised.
